Feeling ill makes me aware that as humans we are fragile. I might have the flu. My stomach hurts and nose is running. I have a cough and am so tired.
I’m staying home from school to nurture myself. I stay in bed, rest, read, watch TV and eat soup. I comfort and lovingly nurture my human body. I feel vulnerable being in my human body today.
I enjoy watching soap operas, ‘Another World’, is my favorite. I can watch it all summer long. Then go back to school until Thanksgiving, watch it again and have not missed a thing. But it’s still fun to watch soap operas even if they move as slow as molasses. I like to look at what the actresses are wearing and see how they’re doing their hair.
It’s fun to be home from school even though I do not feel well. I can think, reflect, breathe and ponder all sorts of things about myself and the world. I wonder, does my mind control my body or does my body control my mind? When my body does not feel good, it affects how my mind works. It affects the way I feel and think about everything. Today even if I had a wonderful outfit like the girls on the soap opera and a make-up artist had done my face, I would still feel awful. If I had everything in the world that I wanted right now, I would still feel bad.
I ponder, does my body control me or do I control my body? It sure seems as if today, it’s controlling me. This cold, cough and flu will pass. This sick tired feeling will be gone in a few days. I’ll be feeling good again soon. I’ll be back in school, attending ballet class and seeing my friends. But these days of bed and cuddling are enjoyable. Perhaps, illness is God’s way of saying be still, slow down, think and come into self, while contemplating your humanness and the frailty of being human.
I’m getting extra attention from the housekeeper and even my mother and my father. Extra attention feels good. I look forward to the time when I’ll have a house of my own and can stay at home all day doing what I really want to do.
Snuggling down under my covers, pulling the comforter up around my chin, I am me and happily to myself. It feels so good. Even though I’m not at school learning, I am accomplishing lots. Learning and figuring things out about myself and the world. I do lots of thinking when I’m home sick. Time to think on your own is just as important as going to school and learning whatever they’re teaching. I like to read books they don’t even talk about at school. I like to read books by John Steinbeck. None of my teachers have ever mentioned him and he’s one of my favorite authors. School doesn’t teach me many things that I want to learn. Perhaps at times, school can be an interruption to education. It feels great to be learning on my own. I love to learn on my own.
As a child I was ill much of the time. From the age of twelve until about the age of fifteen, I had an abundance of colds, respiratory problems and flu symptoms. Perhaps I became ill to avoid going to school. I withdrew to avoid facing more feelings of not being good enough while feeling bored. This may not have been a conscious decision, but it is how it manifested itself in my body.
I stayed home from school lots, so I could be to myself and that time benefited me greatly. I spent much time thinking. I did not feel that I fit into school. I was bored and felt uncomfortable there. My experiences with the school system were, for the majority of the time, negative. I was glad to be out of the school system. I feel that most of my learning, growth and awareness happened separate from what we call our ‘educational system’. My true talents and abilities were not discovered, developed or enhanced by this system. Actually, the schools and teachers that I experienced contributed to my insecurity and the feeling that I did not fit into the world. They also made me think learning was drudgery, when on my own I think learning is exciting.
If mother mentioned that her decorator was going to be at our house the next day, the next morning, I woke up with a stomach ache. I loved to follow our interior designer around the house asking her question after question. She was interesting and taught me much. I eventually worked in the interior design field.
My creativity was not developed by the school system. I did not fit in and felt left out. I believe the purpose of education along with teaching the basics of reading, writing and arithmetic is to open up an individual to their unique gifts and talents – to teach them to think, reason and to be inquisitive. I felt stress while in the classrooms by the way the teachers interacted with me. Therefore my body and mind were in ‘shut down’ mode. I suffered different levels of trauma most every day that I was at school. I was trying to survive, forget trying to enjoy the experience of learning. My brain was operating at half-mast most of the time I was there. When I was in school, I felt like I was in a kind of prison. Life and colors were dimmed. The world appeared gray. I most always hated being there.
When I was away from the school atmosphere and away from my parents, I could learn, think, read and enjoy doing so. When alone, I was out of stress and could explore and stretch my mind. I was able to read, ponder and work on my school projects more effectively. I read constantly. I loved to read and would have book after book beside my bed.
During a prolonged illness, a history teacher gave me homework on chapters with papers to write. I loved working at home. I put so much energy, effort and pleasure into this project. I was sincerely learning the information and excited about what I was learning. Sitting home alone in my room, I worked diligently on this project. Away from the school environment and able to be alone during the day, where it was quiet and peaceful, I could learn quickly and enjoy the process.
After I completed the project, handed it in and the teacher reviewed it, he was very pleased. He told my parents that I had done excellent work and that I was a very intelligent student. Now, if I would only apply myself at school. Therefore, for all my hard work, what I got was in trouble by my parents because I did not apply myself at school. I was blamed for not fitting in.
No one ever looked at themselves or the almighty educational system. It never occurred to anyone that the school was the problem and not me. How did we get so in entrenched in the idea that people needed to fit into some system and then when they don’t, it is their fault and not the system created?
A person is more open and receptive when they are relaxed and comfortable in their environment. The educational system might want to focus on this concept. A happy and relaxed student will be open to learning and developing their talents and skills. It might be well advised to incorporate into the school curriculum ways to teach individuals how to relax, to enjoy learning and about real life. Learning is fun and should be experienced as such. Perhaps classes about tools to lead the individual to emotional peace are just as important as anything else they are taught.
Education is not just about making children fit into a ‘system’ or to obey ‘teacher’s rules’. It is for the development of the individual as unique. Each one of us has incredible talents and skills just waiting to be unleashed. I understand that learning discipline, arriving on time, and following rules are part of learning.
Freedom equals creativity – control stifles creativity. Much of the time, our most talented pupils have their uniqueness delayed or even thwarted all together by the system that we now have in place.
Many individuals who have created what has given the most to our world did not fit into our school system. Some of our most talented and brilliant – our inventors and artists were labeled ‘learning disabled’ by the standards of the system we have created. So perhaps, it is time to truly recognize that our systems in the world need to be as ever changing as our own beliefs about ourselves need to be.
Being different is great. Individuality is what it’s all about.
Sometimes an illness is far more than just healing the body. It is for healing and freeing the mind to create the time and space to relax, think, change and grow.
The educational system should be a place of honoring the individual for being individual. Individual creativity is what will heal the world.
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” Albert Einstein
A book for awareness and healing…
When I was in high school, I didn’t know what an abortion was. Only the sleaziest of girls went ‘all the way’. I didn’t know of, or ever even heard of a girl getting pregnant. If one did, it was hidden and taken care of by her family to an outcome that they alone reached and it was done in private.
I didn’t have my first ‘French Kiss’ until the night of my high school prom. The first man that I ‘went all the way’ with, we were engaged and got married. As an adult, I can look back and know that I missed nothing by not having sex at a young age. In that area, I was able to be a child, instead of pretending or playing at being grown-up.
When I was in college, one of my best girlfriends from high school got pregnant by her longtime boyfriend and I was appalled to hear it. No one that I knew of got pregnant before they got married. This couple quickly married because to have a child out of wedlock just wasn’t done. It was shameful to everyone concerned.
I dealt with the issues of sexuality as an adult and even then they were at times very difficult. In my thirties, I got pregnant. The man and I were in love, but I wasn’t out of my first marriage even though we had been separated for years. My ex-husband dragged it out and forced it to court. My first marriage had ended in complete embarrassment and scandal and the whole town knew about it. It would have added more shame for my family and me if I was pregnant, not being completely divorced and not married. The man I loved and I, couldn’t get married, until three months after my divorce was final and it was not even as of yet final. So for the sake of image, we killed our baby.
The man I was dating told me that he would do whatever I wanted to do in this regard. We were planning on getting married anyway, but after much discussion, we opted for abortion.
It was the most difficult decision that I have ever made in my life. I changed my mind several times before actually having the abortion. Even as I was getting out of the car to enter the medical facility, he and I were still discussing it. One of my thought processes in deciding to have an abortion was that it must be okay because others were doing it. Then there was ‘Roe versus Wade’, a ruling that deemed it okay to abort a baby. This created distorted thinking in me to think that if the government said it was okay then it must be okay. As if having an abortion and killing a child, had a government stamp of approval. Therefore even though in my heart and soul, I knew it was wrong. I made the difficult and horrendous decision to kill our baby. Even as they were putting me under anesthesia, I was protesting in my heart. The doctor feeling my angst said, “Relax, it will be over soon.”
I went to court to testify in my divorce on Monday of that week, which was eventually awarded to me on extreme mental cruelty in a no-fault divorce state. Then on Friday of that same week, I had an abortion.
That doctor performing the abortion was incorrect. It was never over. I suffered emotionally for years because of this decision. The man and I married the following year, but our having made the abortion decision, irreparably harmed our relationship. I couldn’t get past it and he wanted to forget it. He did suffer but he didn’t want to think, talk about it or to deal with his emotions. I needed to deal with mine. I would have intense crying spells concerning this decision. I felt tormented in my heart. I prayed and asked God repeatedly for forgiveness, until I was finally able to put it into some sort of perspective. But I will never get over it and when I think of it, still to this day, I feel like crying. Abortion is murder. On my death bed, I will still be asking for God’s forgiveness for this decision.
Many years later, I told my father about my having an abortion. I am not sure that he believed me or that it really sunk in. He just stared at me and said, “Of all my children, I wanted you to have grandchildren.” Hearing him say this, of course made me feel worse than I already did, in some regards, but not in others. In some ways, I was glad that I didn’t have children. I had such a horrible childhood in some ways that I didn’t want a child to be brought into this world to suffer as I had. I wanted a child to be born into a marriage with a loving couple. I never felt that I had that.
These were my beliefs based on the imprints that I took in from my family of origin.
Children are gifts from God no matter how or where they enter the world. I believe that whatever circumstances a child enters into is theirs to break against, to heal from and is their opportunity to become more of who they are meant to be.
I don’t want women that make the decision to have an abortion to have to sneak into some back alley and have it done by some hack or in less than sterile and safe circumstances. But at the same time, if having an abortion carried shame, it might curtail some from getting pregnant in the first place. That there is shame associated with getting pregnant out of wedlock.
Why is abortion a government issue? Shouldn’t this most serious decision be made between a woman, her doctor, her family, those in her life who understand her situation and her God?
I believe in a woman’s right to choose as there are circumstances in life and that of the unborn where an abortion might be the decision neede be made. I am not stating that abortion is the right thing to do, as this is not my place, nor is it the place of the government. It is deeply personal and a decision of seriousness that matches few others, as is also the decision to bring a child into the world.
There is a right or better way to live, such as a couple of mature age, fall in love, get engaged, marry, buy a house then when they are settled, financially responsible and secure in their relationship, have a child. This is actually the best/better/easier way. Sure there are many other ways, but when you do things ‘right’ – they have a better chance to turn out positive for all concerned.
When and how did abortions become such an ordinary and easy decision to make? Was it ‘Roe versus Wade’ that did it? But the woman that forced the decision concerning this ruling being made into law, has since changed her mind.
How did we as a country become so lax and promiscuous? Was it when the government started paying for unwed mothers and their issue? Is this when many decided that having a ‘government baby’ was the thing to do or even a ‘lifestyle choice’ that was desirable – that the ‘government’ be a child’s father?
I was in my thirties when I had an abortion and even then I didn’t realize how deeply that I would be affected for the rest of my life by this decision. So how in the world can a young person in high school, or even younger understand or have any idea about the importance or how profoundly deep a decision it is to have sex, get pregnant, choose to have an abortion or to bring a life into this world? You need to be able to provide and care for yourself before you bring a life into the world to be under your care and supervision.
Sex creates life. Human life is the most valuable creation there is. Life is the most valuable, important, precious and profound thing on our planet. Abortion is killing a growing human being. Abortion is killing a life.
My awareness is that I made the choices that I did, based on where I was at the time. I made a choice guided by shame and image. I made a decision that instinctively I knew was wrong, but based on the fact that the government deemed it okay. I went with the government’s decision to kill an unborn child. Had I not had the government’s blessing, I may not have had the abortion.
I understand all sides, mine, the father of the baby’s, society and the governments. I accept the choice that I made and have lived with it ever since I made it. I forgive myself and all concerned and I turn it over to God.
A book for awareness and healing…
Do you feel less than, more than, or equal to?
Most of us are a mix of our insecurities and our strengths…
When an emotionally aware person feels insecure, they have learned to self-reflect concerning why it is that they do. Insecure people are either afraid of looking at self or have no awareness that this is what their feelings in the circumstance are telling them to do. When feeling insecure – ask yourself – Why am I feeling that I am not ‘equal to’ – equal to others – equal to the challenge – equal to being in this place, circumstance – even equal to being in the world? People feeling insecure do not feel worthy and this can manifest in their bodies, lives and into the world in many different ways.
Some of the ways are :
They don’t feel good enough or equal to – so they may criticize others to make themselves feel better and so that in their distorted head they think they will bring others down to their insecure level as they try to one-up others.
They don’t feel good enough – so they have much negative-self talk. and this projects into everything in their life. The view the world through their lens of their insecurity which translates into seeing most everything and everyone as negative.
They may be ill often – one aliment after another. This is caused by their low energy and internal stress which affects their immune system
Often times – insecure people live behind or in a facade of their own making. They have fear of being found out for who and what they truly are. They treat people as if they don’t matter because only they matter. It’s all about them. They have an inflated ego – which is a defense for how insecure they feel.
Definition of EGO: a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance – the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
Our ego level and valuation may change drastically when we are fractured and out of balance. Ego may go from one extreme to the other from feeling down and weak to overly confident triggered by external circumstances or internal self-talk.
There is a syndrome – where you go from feeling less than, to more than, but not equal to. Which is – you feel insecure and less than others – that you are not good enough – you don’t matter – everyone is better than you – have more – are more attractive – more intelligent, etc. Then you flip into thinking and feeling that you are better than – smarter than -everyone else is a fool even stupid and you know more, are special and are way above and better than they are. You go from feeling below everyone in the world to higher than everyone in the world. Which means that you don’t feel equal to, equal to the challenge, equal to living life in the way you desire, equal to developing your talents and skills, equal to taking care of and grooming your body so that you are the best you can be – equal to being on earth along with everyone else.
When you are feeling less than, you will fall into envy, jealousy, denial and defensiveness. You may criticize and blame others to make self feel better. You beat yourself up with negative self-talk and dark thoughts. You fall into fear of the future. Fear, insecurity and negativity take you over. You fear dealing with tasks and dealing with others. You don’t like people and think they don’t like you. You are insecure and devalue yourself and everyone else.
When you are feeling more than, you will bloat up with arrogance – will treat others with disrespect, like you are much better than they are – you will boast and brag – you will talk down to people – criticize them to show them that you are better than they are, etc. You over value yourself to the extent that you become unbearable.
Either way, you are not at balance and don’t feel equal. You go from feeling like you are nothing to feeling like you are above all others. Continually and repeatedly doing this will wear you out as you beat yourself up in insecurity then bloat yourself up in self-importance. Genuine self-confidence is feeling equal to the challenge. That you self-reflect, learn, evaluate self before pointing the finger outward. Ego and confidence are two different things.
Definition of CONFIDENCE – feeling or consciousness of one’s ability or reliance of one’s circumstances – faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper or effective way – to have confidence is to have trust in self-reliance and ability.
Sure, there are days we all feel like a bitch, are grumpy and out of sorts then there are days when we feel on top of the world, can do no wrong and are king of all we survey – simplistically, like the difference between a good hair day and a bad one. When you are at balance, the extremes won’t take you down as low as to fall into depression or so high that you become reckless into self-destruction. You will not be blown about by the external winds of change – up so high then down low controlled by every turn and twist. You will remain, more often than not, at confidence and equal to the challenge. Being in internal confidence, you will/can more easily adapt to others and circumstances staying more in balance without the highs and lows. You will be able to focus on issues and solutions, instead of allowing your emotions and the feelings connected to them take you over.
A fractured ego – goes from one extreme to the other, from over valuation of self to devaluation of self. Emotions, feelings and behaviors are unbalanced both internally and externally. When you arrive at balance, ego will remain internally confident more of the time. Confident that you are equal to others, not more than, not less than, but equal to the challenge; when you arrive at this place, there is a big internal sigh of release – like a balloon full of hot air deflating. Because you realize that you are just fine. You are okay, all you need to do is to be yourself, learn about self, develop yourself, accept self, challenge self, be open to learn from others, listen to others, listen to self, respect yourself and respect others. Your competition is first within self then reflected outward. Living in this way, you will respect yourself and others. Everyone has their worth, their talents, their value. Everyone is/can be equal to and so can you.
Remember, when you are feeling less than or better than, you are not feeling equal to…
To become more self-aware…
and what we see and how we perceive it is based on our psychological make-up – our intelligence and emotional levels – how we were reared and in what environment – our experiences thus far and at any given time – our astrological influences, our genetic make-up – lineage – our educational, religious and spiritual leanings – our maturity or immaturity level – our socio-economic levels – our age, etc. We all have our individual imprints and beliefs and they will stand as they are, until and if we become aware…
What we think and perceive at the age of ten will usually be different at the age of twenty – what we perceive at twenty will often be different at the age of forty. So no wonder there are so many and such different and varied perceptions, truths, thoughts and ideas in the world. We have all been imprinted differently. Some imprints we want – are worthy and serve us well – others not so much. Some imprints, as we become aware shift and change – others do not. Some are of the light and some are of the dark. Some are negative and some positive, and they all serve our individual purpose – until they don’t.
A ten-year-old will not enjoy hanging around a group of thirty-year olds for long nor would a thirty-year-old enjoy being with a group of ten-year- olds at length – other than for the purpose of perhaps, teaching.
Mature and intelligent people may enjoy playing games and behaving like irresponsible children for an evening of fun but hopefully, they will soon get bored with it. Usually, maturity doesn’t enjoy being around immaturity at length. The light may fly too close to the flame of darkness on occasion, but will not stay there. The dark may prey on the light – but if the light is aware, they will soon close the darkness out.
Differences can make life interesting but it can also make things stressful and tedious. We all prefer to be with those of like kind and those of like or similar minds – being so, we feel comfortable and like we are accepted, feel heard and comfortable. Exploring out to be with others who are different, into different cultures, countries, life styles, etc. is refreshing, interesting, educational and widens our perspective, but we soon like coming back to home base and our center. We may incorporate new things into our life and change our way of looking at the world but not completely. Only those with no core and who have been fractured feel the desire or need to leave all that they are or know behind in an attempt to live completely differently than everything they know.
When we more understand, accept, and know who we are in self-reflection, then we are able to accept, get along with and learn from others while still keeping our boundaries and self-integrity. If we are fortunately aware , we learn to get away from and stay away from those with dark, cold, blank eyes and gravitate to those with light, joyful and interesting eyes.
Eyes are the windows to the soul… while also they are where our awareness and change in perspective brings growth and expansion to our very being. We all see through our own eyes – as we go through life triggering those who don’t see as we do and searching for those who do…
Look deep into your own eyes… and when you do, and can see self clearly – you will be more able to look into the eyes of others and recognize their nature, who they are and where their heart and intellect resides.
It all begins at awareness…
On Saturdays, my best friend, Renee, and I like going to the shopping center and hanging out. It’s the ‘in’ thing to do. All the really cool kids hang out at the shopping center on Saturday and we want to be cool. Then of course, we like to shop, too. Lots of kids will be walking around talking to each other. It’s great to be out of the house, away from our parents, and on our own for a few hours.
Renee and I take turns spending the night with each other on Friday night. Then one of our parents will take us to the shopping center. This Friday night, I’m staying at Renee’s house. So this Saturday, it’s Renee’s chauffeur, Leonard, who will take us to the shopping center. Renee’s mother is away somewhere in mental hospital. I have never met her mother and people talk in hushed tones whenever she is mentioned. So her father hired a nice man to drive Renee around. Leonard is cool. We like him. He doesn’t bug us all the time, like parents can do.
Leonard drops us off at noon on the corner by the ‘Five and Dime’. He says that he’ll be back to pick us up at four o’clock and for us to be at this corner and to be on time.
We have lunch at a department store tea room. We have our usual – tea sandwiches, soup and shakes. Yummy! Then we set out to be hanging out and cool. We walk to the bowling alley. Lots of the really cool kids are there. We walk around the place and talk to our friends. There are some cute boys from another school. We talk to them. Then we go to purchase some items we want. I get a wallet and Renee gets some shoes. It’s fun to shop and get what we want without having parents around.
We head back to the ‘Five and Dime’. It’s getting close to four o’clock. We want to have time to look at some records before Leonard picks us up. We like the ‘45’s’ at the ‘Five and Dime’. We begin looking at the records. Bobby Vee and Paul Anka are two of our favorites.
Renee states, “Lots of the really cool kids steal records.” I ask, “Who?” She tells me the names of some of the kids that she has heard steal records. I can’t believe they would steal because their families have lots of money. Renee states, “It has nothing to do with money. It’s just cool to steal records to see if you can get away with it.” She says, “I dare you to steal that record!”
I’m nervous. I don’t know what to do? I want to take her dare. I want to be cool but I don’t want to steal. Stealing is wrong. Renee taunts, “I dare you.” I look around. No one is watching. So I slip the record into my sack. Renee walks around to another aisle and puts a record into her sack. We did it!
I’m freaking out scared inside. We walk to the checkout counter because we have some candy we’re going to pay for. We’re standing in the checkout line and a man comes up to me and asks, “Young lady, what do you have in that sack?”
Oh, no! I’m caught! I’m so scared that I pull out the ‘45’ record and hand it to him. I say, “I did it because of a dare. I’m sorry! I won’t do it again!” The man turns to Renee and asks, “Do you have anything?” Renee answers, “No! I wouldn’t steal anything.” He turns back to me and orders. “Follow me!” I look at Renee. She says, “I’ve got to go out and meet Leonard. It’s four o’clock. Bye, see you later!”
She’s just leaving me and this whole thing was her idea. I’m terrified!
I follow the man as I do, I turn around and look up to see there’s an office that looks down over the whole store. That’s how, he saw me put the record into my sack. This man is the manager of the store.
I follow the manager up to his office. Sitting here, I have a view of whole store.
The manager is really mean to me. He takes my purse and goes through it. He says, “Whatelse did you steal? You spoiled, little brat?”
I respond, “I did it on a dare. I’ll never do it again!” He goes through my sacks. He comments, “You have money, so why are you stealing? You children are spoiled rotten. There are people that really don’t have any money. You steal and you have the money to pay for whatever you want.”
He’s yelling at me. I’m so scared! I’m thinking – I’m going to kill Renee when I see her again.
He says, “I’m tired of you children coming into my store and stealing. I’m going to call the police!” I ask, “Can I call my parents? Please! I need to have them pick me up. My friend has left me.” He says, “Sure she’s left you. She doesn’t want a thief for a friend!”
I’m trembling. I’m so scared that he’ll call the police and I’ll be put in jail!
He hands me the phone to call my parents. I call over and over again but there’s no answer. They’re expecting Leonard to bring me home. I’m afraid that if I don’t get my parents on the phone soon. This man will have me taken to jail.
The manager says, “If you’ll tell your father about your stealing, I won’t call the police. Have your father call me first thing Monday morning. So, I can be sure that you told him. If I don’t hear from your father on Monday, I’ll call the police. They’ll pick you up at your house.” I promise him that I’ll tell my father.
Finally, my father answers the phone. I say, “I need for you to pick me up.”
The store closes and I go outside to wait on the corner for my father to pick me up. I’m all alone and I feel like a criminal.
When I get into the car my father asks, “What happened I thought Leonard was bringing you home?” “Renee had to leave early.” I respond. Then I bravely tell him the whole story.
He listens to what I tell him then responds. “There’s no reason for you to ever steal.” I answer, “I know, daddy. I’ll never do it again.” Then he says something that I’ll never forget. “What will your mother’s friends in her Bridge club say if they found out? Your mother will be so embarrassed.”
I say, “I promise I’ll never do it again. You’ll need to call the manager at the ‘Five and Dime’ and tell him that I told you what happened or he’s going to put me in jail.” Daddy said that he would call him on Monday morning. He could see how scared I am.
I plead, “Please, don’t forget or I’ll go jail!”
Daddy says, “They don’t put children in jail. I’ll call him Monday.”
I was so glad to get home and to feel safe.
I called Renee, that little rat! She wanted to hear about everything. She apparently thought that she was super cool because she got away with stealing without being caught. She acted like she thought she was better and smarter than me just because she didn’t get caught.
All I know is that I never did steal anything again ever in my whole life. Some of those ‘cool’ kids did end up in real trouble with the police. Maybe I was lucky in a way for getting caught.
I sure never trusted my friend, Renee again or anything she said.
The obvious awareness is that it is wrong to steal. Nothing is cool about it. Also, you need to be very careful when you take a dare. An additional awareness is my father along with his concern about my stealing was more concerned with what my mother’s friends would think, if they found out that I had got caught stealing.
As I remembered this incident, I thought it so strange that this would even occur to my father. It made me feel uncomfortable that this would even cross his mind. I thought he would be more concerned with me. What I had done, why I had done it and my fear of going to jail. I wondered why he would even care what those ladies think.
Then I remember the reason that I took the dare to steal was to be like the others that I thought were ‘cool’. The whole reason I had stolen the record was because of my concern of what others would think of me. I was more concerned with the acceptance of those so-called ‘cool kids’, than I was concerned with what I knew was ‘right and wrong’. I gave up what I knew was the correct way to behave in order to be accepted by others that I felt were doing wrong. Therefore I gave up acceptance of myself to try and be accepted by others.
My awareness is, no one will accept me if I do not accept myself. When I live by my own standards and what I know is right for me is when I will be at peace with myself and able to totally accept myself.
Now I can forgive myself for stealing because I did not understand this yet. I can forgive my friend, Renee because she did not understand this either.
Why do we put so much emphasis on what others’ think when what really matters is what we think of ourselves?
Did you see how quickly my friend turned on me when I got caught and how she acted like she was better than me because she did not get caught? She was the one that dared me! What others’ think about you can change rapidly. What I think of myself can remain true. I honor my mistakes and learn from them.
My awareness is to accept myself, trust myself and to do only what I know is right for me. I do not listen to others before I listen to what I know is right for me in my heart.
When I accept myself totally, I will care less if at all what others’ think. Others will accept me when I accept and honor myself. I will live by my own standards of what I know is right and wrong. No one else influences me nor can decide this for me. I accept myself and know who I am!
I couldn’t have imagined that almost one year exactly after my father’s death, I would be using one of his canes. My dad died in April, the day in that year was Good Friday.
Daddy used canes for years because of an injury when he was in the Navy. A bomb had hit on the submarine he was on. When Dad was running away from the explosion, he turned to look back and was hit in his neck and spine. This created a degenerative spinal disease to develop as his life progressed. He had been an athlete in high school and was recruited to be a pitcher, but he hurt his arm and couldn’t pitch any longer. After a few years of college, he went into the Navy where he acquired this injury to his upper vertebra. He was a large, vibrant man and it wasn’t until later in his life that he needed to use a cane to steady his walk. He eventually ended up in a wheelchair. One day I asked, “Dad is it horribly difficult being in a wheelchair when you were once so active?” He replied in a gruff tone, “No it’s okay. I manage.” I rarely saw him frustrated concerning his disability. Although in private, I am sure that he had his moments. Dad rarely if ever let me see him down, depressed or hopeless. I guess that is why he wouldn’t tolerate it in me. He wanted me to have a strong core because he knew in life that internal strength is what makes or breaks you.
While in the Navy, Dad flew planes but he was also on a submarine. Going from the different altitudes also wreaked havoc on him. He told me stories about being in the Navy infirmary and how lonely he felt. He said that he had never felt so alone in his life and that it was the worst feeling in the world. Healing can be an alone process… When he got out of the Navy, he asked for Mom’s hand in marriage repeatedly – on the third attempt, her father said yes.
Through the years, I would buy him antique or usual canes for gifts. He had quite a collection. After he died, I got some of his canes. I placed the black one with the silver handle to lean in a corner of my powder room. There, I could see it easily as I walked through the hallway past the powder room door. It gave me comfort to see it in there. It gave me the feeling that Dad was watching over me.
On April twenty-fifth, one year after Dad died, I had an accident. I slipped and fell on an unmarked wet concrete floor in a local wine bar. I broke my left elbow and sustained three hairline fractures in my tailbone. ‘Unmarked, wet floor, wine bar wounded warrior’ – not really funny, but…’ And no, I was not tipsy. I had one sip of champagne with a friend who I had picked up from the airport and we were celebrating. It was near closing time and the employees in the wine bar had prematurely begun to clean up and mop. Yes. I sued and yes, they settled with me for their negligence.
I was dealing with so much at time. I was still healing from the death of my Dad. My sisters were continually suing me concerning Dad’s Will. Then I fell and had another lawsuit to contend with. I still don’t know how I dealt with it all. But I knew my Dad was with me. I pulled Dad, Mother and God close to me every night before sleeping and often throughout the day.
During the healing, I was on crutches for a bit. How horrible are those things? I needed to ‘baby’ my left hip completely for a while and I also had my arm in a sling, I had to use one crutch under my right arm to take pressure off my left side. Using the crutches threw my walking gait off. After starting rehab to strengthen my left leg, I realized I was really having difficulty walking normally. This was frustrating beyond belief. Being a former ballet dancer and used to being fit as a fiddle, I was scared because I seemed to have little control over movement in my left leg to walk naturally.
The first day after I came home from rehab, I ‘crutched’ by the powder room and noticed Dad’s cane. It was as if it was calling to me. I decided in that instant to toss the crutches and to use my Father’s cane. Even though he was 6’2″ and I am 5’3″, the cane worked perfectly for me. I began practicing immediately – by walking up and down the entry hallway using my dad’s cane. It was exactly what I needed. It offered support while I strengthen my left leg to regain my natural walking gait. I felt tremendously close to my dad during this time using his cane. Each step I took to regain my natural walk and balance, it was as if Dad was with me. Just like when I was taking my first steps and he encouraged, balanced and guided me. He was with me now. My parents told me that I learned to walk at nine months and after I did – I ran everywhere. Mother could barely keep up with me.
Now I was resting my hand on the same silver handle that my dad used for years. After two days, I was walking more naturally and in a week, I could walk without the cane. I used it a week longer just to feel my daddy close to me for comfort and moral support. Dad used to tell me he loved to watch me walk and to move. I have a fast gait and he told me that he loved the energy of my fast-paced movements.
Mom used to say, “You and your father are just alike – both have heads as thick as a brick wall, stubborn as can be.” When Mom would say this, it was usually when she was irritated at one or the both of us. Dad and I would look at each other shrug and smile. Dad and I are/were a lot alike and our hard heads could butt in real style. But actually that stubborn-will served/serves us well at times.
During this time of recovery, I decided to venture further into town to run an errand. I had spent two weeks almost completely in bed and without driving. Only recently, I started driving myself to rehab and doing errands but only in my area and was now ready to get back into the world. I knew that I needed to push myself so as to not become fearful and isolated. So I forced myself to step further out. With my dad’s cane in tow, off I go. As I near my destination, I hear a big pop and the tire light comes on in my car. I slowly enter the parking lot and park in front of where I was heading. Get out and realize that both tires on the driver’s side of my car are blown out. The tires were fairly new. Clearly, I must have run over something. Here I am using a cane, it’s hot outside and I am a far distance away from my house for the first time in almost a month. I momentarily fill up with fear and stress. Then settle my mind and call a tow truck which arrives in record time after I explain my circumstances. The man driving the tow truck was as kind a man as there could be. Here I am with sling on an arm and using a cane, barely able to lift my left leg climbing into the cab of a tow truck. The man stood behind me guarding me as I did. While, we ride to the car dealership with my car in tow, we chat and I share with him my ordeal of the past month. He listens with understanding and says, “Just have trust in God.” I replied, “That’s what I am doing.” Then we both burst out into laughter concerning the ridiculousness of it all. He tells me to keep my smile and to keep laughing.
My new tires were put on and I was home in record time. But why did this happen at just this time, one thing after another putting more stress and challenge on me? Was it to further expand me? All you can do after dealing with the issues at hand – is to trust in a positive outcome, laugh in amusement and let it go. What’s that saying? ‘If you find yourself walking in Hell just keep on walking’. That is what I did. With each issue I dealt with, God had my back. As fast as it fell apart, it came back together with adventure, magic and more awareness along the way. Kind people were put on my path to assist me – complete strangers with like heart and belief.
As I continued dealing with rehab and this whole ordeal, I could hear Dad’s words in my mind’s eye as I pushed, faltered, got frustrated, scared then kept on… “Keep at it Tiger! You can do it. I am here with you. I am proud of you.”
Dad had been a wounded warrior and my accident and what it took to recover gave me a new appreciation for what it is to deal with and recover from physical trauma. Dealing with this just one year after his death, was a lot to process on the physical, emotional and mental levels. But the strength that I had honed from my lessons in life got me through it. In the exact moment, I replaced my crutches with his cane. I promised Dad that with the help of his cane, his eyes watching over me and the energy and grace of God that I would regain the walk that I was born with and he loved to watch. I fully recovered in record time and in my doctor’s amazement with no lingering effects from my injuries. None! I am physically fully restored.
To add to this time of trauma – dark night of the soul – testing of my spirit – just six months after I had fully healed from the fall and was beginning to feel relief – I went to my dermatologist for my yearly examination. To discover I had a place on my forehead that was cancerous. This place was above my right eyebrow. My dermatologist sent me to a MOHS surgeon to have it examined. Because of where it was, they scheduled me with a plastic surgeon to close the opening after the surgery. I was in full panic mode before the surgery. I had no idea how deep the cancer was or how intensive the damage would be to my forehead.
In two years, my dad had died, I was still dealing with the emotional effects of this, my sisters were repeatedly suing me, I had fallen, recovered and was in the middle of suing the restaurant where I fell. And now, I was looking at having my forehead possibly disfigured. My father was gone -the only one on earth I had to turn to for strength. My physical abilities had been threatened and I was now facing losing my looks. Talk about overwhelming stress upon stress.
I was wired, anxious and I became depressed. I wondered how much I was going to be put through and if it would ever be over. Would I ever feel like me again? Then who was I, anyway?
I prayed and prayed and finally turned it over to God. At times, this was easier to do than at others.
A friend took me to have the MOHS surgery early on a winter morning. They only needed to go in one and half times, so the cancer had not destroyed much. But I still was left with a large hole in my forehead. That afternoon, I went to the surgery center for a plastic surgeon to close it, to leave the least effect on the appearance of my forehead and face. God lead me to a gifted surgeon.
After the surgery, I felt like I looked like Frankenstein because my forehead was swollen with a red suture line over my right eyebrow. The caring surgeon called me every morning for a week to see how I was doing. He promised that the swelling and the scar line would disappear. I was going to look great again even better. The upside was that the surgery raised my right eyebrow that was lower than the left one and served to tighten my forehead – a light in the darkness.
After a few weeks, it did look much better. In months, it was barely noticeable. Today the scar line is barely, if at all visible. I don’t even need to put makeup on it, to cover it up.
Everything I had broken against as a child, young adult and throughout my life had prepared me for this sequence of events of my dark night of the soul without my father here on earth to sustain me. I had almost lost everything several times in my life, but never like this. Nothing had ever felt this alone and low. In this timeframe, I remembered back to when angels had walked though me. I asked and prayed that they please do it again. But they didn’t. I heard in my mind’s eye, ‘You know we are with you and you will be fine’. Therefore, I focused on recalling that feeling of love that had once filled me up in comfort and grace as I pulled God, my mother and my father close to me every night. As I lay alone in my bed, I could smell the fresh fragrance of my mother and heard my father’s words, “You can do it, Tiger! I am with you all the way.”
Things can appear horrible and like everything including your life is falling apart, right before more awareness is recognized. I learned how strong and resilient I am. I felt, knew and renewed my faith and strength in God. I realized the hate that my sisters have for me, so I cut them completely out of my life which I should have done a long time before. Doing so, has freed my spirit in ways that is incredible. I feel younger now, than I even did when I was a child living in my parent’s home with the burdens of my mother, my sisters and my father weighting me down with their imprints. I have awareness, understand, accept and forgive them all. I let them go.
I choose only to keep the love of my mother and dad as comfort to guide me in the rest of my life’s journey. Of course, I do have happy family memories that I enjoy at times.
Embrace challenges in life as opportunities for self-reflection and transformation.
“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find strength.” Marcus Aurelius
Christmas is fast approaching. Excitement is in the air. We’ve given our Christmas lists to mom and dad. They told us that they’ll make sure that Santa Claus gets them. My sisters and I tell mom and dad over and over, reminding them daily of all the things that we want for Christmas.
I want a Brownie doll, a Girl Scout watch, a bike and a record player. I want the Girl Scout watch absolutely the most! I feel as if I’ll be a real grown-up with a watch especially a Girl Scout watch.
Mother comes home with lots of packages takes them into her room and closes the door. Later when I check, there is nothing there. No packages are in her room. I knew that mom and dad bought some of the gifts and I knew Santa brought some of them. My younger sisters didn’t know this yet. I’m three years older than they are. I know a lot more things than they do.
I wonder what mom bought. I’m terribly curious! One day, I’m snooping around and mother catches me. She warns, “Don’t go through any closets or cabinets in our room. If you do, you’ll spoil some surprises.” I ask her if any of my things are in the cabinets. I ask specifically about the watch. She answers, “It’s Christmas. I’m not talking. Wait and see! Christmas is about surprises!”
I didn’t care about surprises. I just had to know! So one day when I’m sure that mom isn’t around, I climb up to the cabinet where I suspect she has put some of the packages. I climb up the drawers using them as if they are steps, and crawl into the large cabinet at the top. I’m very quiet and very careful. I open all the different sacks and packages. I find some things I recall my younger sisters asking for. Surely, there’s something for me, too.
Then hooray! I find a Brownie doll and a Girl Scout watch. I feel excited to know that I’m getting these things especially the Girl Scout watch. After seeing, the watch I’m totally satisfied and carefully exit the cabinet. I take great care to put everything back exactly the way I found it.
I spend the next few days before the arrival of Christmas dreaming of wearing that Girl Scout watch. How cool I’ll be and feel with it on my wrist.
Then Christmas morning arrives. We all hurry in to see what Santa Claus has left for us. With four little girls, there’s a lot of loot – all sorts of toys, games, bicycles in varying sizes and lots of dolls with their accessories.
We decided on Christmas Eve where we wanted Santa to put our gifts. I go to the area where I know my gifts will be. I see a lot of the things that I had asked for – a bike – a Brownie doll – a record player but no Girl Scout watch.
My heart sank. I look around at my sisters’ things. Nope. No, Girl Scout watch there. They’re too little anyway. I don’t think they can even tell time. But what if it had gotten mixed up in their stuff, I’d just die if one of my younger sister’s got my watch by mistake.
I’m sure I saw a Girl Scout watch in mom’s cabinet. That’s the main thing I want. “Oh! Where is it? I run into my mom’s room. She’s still in bed. We got up so early, like five or something. My mom said she was going to rest a little longer but for us to go on in to see what Santa left. Daddy was up playing with us and helping with our toys. But mom was still in bed. I run into my parents’ bedroom and jump on her side of the bed. I sit beside her. I guess my jumping woke her up. She opens her eyes and sleepily asks, “Did you get what you wanted from Santa?” I respond, “Yes, I did – but – um – well…”
I couldn’t ask her directly about the Girl Scout watch because then she would know. I had sneaked a look in her cabinet. I’m scared that maybe God is punishing me for looking in the cabinet and not obeying my mom. Maybe my mom found out that I’d gone into the cabinet and is punishing me by not giving me the watch. What if she returned it to the store?
I was sure I had put everything back just like I’d found it. I feel guilty for sneaking and doing what my mom said not to do. That was why the Girl Scout watch wasn’t there because I am really bad. I’m being punished. My heart is pounding. I guess my mom suspected something was wrong because she says, “Go look again, maybe you missed something.” I race back into the family room. Toys are everywhere. My youngest sister is even riding her tricycle in the house. Daddy is telling her to wait until we go outside but she won’t. There’s so much activity and mess. But where’s my Girl Scout watch? Will I ever find it? I go over to where Santa placed my things. I look again and yes! There’s a little box with the Girl Scout name on it. I open the box and there it is my watch! I put it on and feel – oh so happy, grown-up, cool and everything else that is good! I feel as wonderful as any nine-year-old girl can feel with a new bicycle and Girl Scout watch!
You know I really wish that I had listened to my mom and not looked into the cabinet. I did spoil my surprises. Sometimes, it’s nicer not to know. To let surprises happen especially at Christmas.
What awareness! As an adult releasing the need to always know the outcome and be in control can be a difficult process. Allow life to be a surprise. We do not always need to know the outcome. Many times, we have no way in the world to control the outcome of situations in our life. Sometimes what you expect or want is not what you get and many times it works out for the best this way. Also sometimes what you really want and are looking for is right in front of your eyes but you can’t see it because you are looking so hard for it or trying to find something else that you think might be better but isn’t.
Let go and let God! Trust that what is truly yours will be yours. Release the need to control all situations. Allow Surprises! Many times what will be will be, no matter how hard you try to know and control the outcome. Relax and go with the flow…
Also it’s interesting that when I did not find my much desired gift, the Girl Scout watch from Santa, I immediately thought the reason was because I was being punished. That God or my mother was punishing me by not giving me the gift that I wanted the most. The same belief that most of us have, if something happens ‘bad’ or that we deem is bad, we think we are being punished by a judging and vengeful God.
Where does this automatic response come from? Is it the religious dogma and Puritan ethics that instill a fear of God? And perhaps, is having that fear, at times might be a good thing? So we are kept on our path with surprises, twists and turns along the way of our journey on earth.
Our memories, why we recall what we do, and how and why we are imprinted with what we are – is what makes us who we are and creates our life. Until we become aware, in full self-reflection, we will be guided as if on remote control by imprints and belief systems. When we become aware, we are at choice.
DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – a memoir/self-help – included is a process to assist in releasing limiting and negative beliefs.
Available in print and e-book on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc or by clicking on link below. May your Christmas season be full of grand memories for awareness, forgiveness, healing and JOY!!!
There is a healthy appreciation of sensuality and sexuality then there is the opposite and this can take many forms – shaming, being promiscuous while hiding behind the facade of self-righteousness, power or authority, abuse, harassment, assault, threats, even rape and all sorts of other perverted nasty BS!
Openly crude and overtly sexual behavior as in Miley Cyrus and many others is clear in its intent including all the recent revelations of all the sexual harassment allegations ; such as with Harvey Weinstein, etc. This kind of harassment is clearly about the insecurity of those doing so and their need to feel powerful and in control – it actually has little to do with sexuality. In fact, it is the opposite. It’s only about rule, dominate and control, along with a perverted insecure and distorted mind.
When an emotionally healthy and sensual woman or man expresses compliments or admiration, it’s deemed ‘bad’ by those with freakish, perverted, sick minds and negative intentions.
Male and female energy are what keeps this planet rocking and rolling. In fact, the tension in the energy between male and female is what can create life. Nothing else can do this in the natural God-given way – everything else is technology and artificial.
Emotionally and mentally healthy, sensual, feminine, womanly, moral women enjoy being complimented, appreciated and shown admiration in a respectful way and manner – it’s their natural instinct to desire this. Most women can feel almost immediately and in most instances, the intent of the words and behaviors – whether they are of genuine appreciation or ill-intent full of power, insults, threats, abuse and control. A man with his words and behaviors can make a woman feel valued and wonderful or sick, humiliated and dirty. Men who want to make a woman feel dirty are dirty in their mind, body and soul.
Emotionally and mentally healthy men admire women and enjoy complimenting them on and about their attractiveness, womanliness intelligence and beauty. Sick, perverted men get off on sadistic harm, threats and holding power-over.
Today, those with a distorted mind, emotionally stunted and perverted are destroying the natural interaction between a male and female. Some females are overly sensitive and defensive and some men are crude and needy – utilizing exploitation, power-over, along with rule, dominate and control, to fulfill their neediness and perversions. This is the opposite of mental and emotional health in regards to sexuality.
It’s about manners, morals, ability to control themselves, mental and emotional health. We cannot let those with twisted minds control us by their sick perversions..
The answer to this dilemma is for each to learn about self…
A book about awareness…
Excerpt – and example:
Whatever you try to deny or hide from will return in either your mind or body. Much illness is created by buried feelings, emotions, and beliefs that cause stress and fear which wreak havoc in your body.
If you are stuck feeling some emotion such as anger, ask yourself:
– What do you gain by staying stuck?
– What serves you to feel the way that you feel?
– What are the benefits of staying in anger?
– Does it make you feel like you are holding something over someone’s head?
– Does is make you feel like you have more power if you stay in your anger?
– Do you feel temporarily stronger staying in anger?
I have found that when someone stays stuck in an emotion at length, it’s usually because they think that it benefits them in some way. Their thinking this may not be accurate, but it’s one way that they find to cope. It can be used an as excuse to not do this and so. If they hold onto their indignant, self-righteous anger then it keeps the person or situation at bay and they don’t have to deal with the real issues, such as their part in it, their fear, their loss, or that they become aware by self-reflection. Anger can eat a person up inside, if held too long. It can/may help you to feel stronger for a while to get through something in a limited time frame, but if held too long it will block love and joy.
Anger is there to be felt – looked at, used for healing and awareness then let go. And the way to get through anger is to understand, accept and to forgive. This does not mean to forget, but to forgive. You can still remember as in factually but when you forgive, the emotional charge is gone from your energy and out of your body. Why forgive? Because when the charge, the trigger is gone, you are free. The act of forgiveness opens your internal emotional channels for all else to flow and for you to be able to be filled with pleasant emotions. Nothing will block the flow as intensely as holding onto anger.
If you are holding onto a negative emotion, ask yourself why. How do you benefit from holding onto it? And if you let it go, process through it, what would you lose or what would you gain?
All emotions and the feelings connected to them are worthwhile. The difference is that some carry positive energy and others negative. Let the negative flow through you as quickly as possible. When we are clear of the negative, we are open for the positive to fill us up. Would you rather walk around feeling sad and depressed or happy and content?