Can insecure fearful people…

love another for genuine reasons?

Insecure fearful people are overly focused on self and what they lack and what they are trying to gain in order to feel better about themselves. So can they genuinely care for or love another? They are most always looking to fill themselves up in some way, instead of giving to another and to, at times be able to fill another up.
Love is about what you give, not what you take.When an insecure fearful person does give, they most always have a need, even must feel like they have some kind of gain or reward in it for themselves, or it isn’t worth it to them.  When, or if an insecure taker does give, they are more concerned that others see what they did and that they get approval and applause for their giving, rather than to be focused on just the pure pleasure of giving to another. Their innate insecurity creates an inner need to make everything about themselves. Many times, their insecurity leads them to be controlling of others.

Momentary pleasure with a temporary feeling of security are only when they gain something or feel good about themselves – so they can pat their needy little selves on the back.  They suck off the energy of others to get through their miserably dark and lacking life, instead of dealing with their inner turmoil, issues and feelings of insecurity. They may even appear egotistical in their words and behaviors to cover-up for their innate insecurity.

They attract to beauty, money, success, status and things that they ‘think’ will rub off on them and give them a brighter facade or image – in order to build up their insecure ego. 

In a love relationship – there will be a circle of giving and receiving and at times, one may need more than the other because of life circumstances, etc. – but when, or if one begins to feel drained, used and taken for granted – in ‘aware’ love, the other will sense this and connect with them in comforting love – as in hugging, touching, nurturing, or a look in the eyes. But an insecure, needy, self-serving, selfish person will rarely if ever recognize need or lack in another, unless, it serves their self-interest to do so – as in they will gain attention, prestige, sex, gifts, money, or reward of some sort, etc.

Example: in relationship – you can handle their moods and issues, but they can’t handle yours. And not only that, they ‘expect’ you to handle theirs, and will feel put upon whenever there is a need for them to handle your emotions or moods.
Think the woman who can’t stand it when her husband shows weakness in some area – or the man who negates his tired wife’s need for rest and attention. These people are so overly about having their own needs met through the other, than to truly care for and love the other – with little ability to see, recognize the other person as separate, with their own issues, needs and pain.

If your well-being is overly tied to your partner, you will be internally that of a needy child.
On the flip side, if your partner can’t have a melt down with your support  and understanding then you are not  being there for them – but are there only for your selfish-self and childish needs.  If you expect your partner to be perfect in your eyes and out in the world at all times – think of the pressure you are putting on them. Relationship is a place where you can rest and be rejuvenated, to feel and  know that you will be comforted and cared for when you are not at your best.  It is a place to sustain you when you are down and to lift you up.

If you are too insecure and weak to face your issues and pain, you will deflect and project them onto another – trying to make something wrong about them, in order to make yourself feel better about you. 

Love is a combination of acceptance of another, while having self- awareness and growth at the same time.

There are individual fatal flaws that make relationship impossible as in – cheating, addictions, lack of genuine commitment, need to escape at any sign of stress or conflict, inability to have empathy as in seeing your partner’s side of the situation with understanding. If a person is addicted to anything then their relationship is with the addiction instead of their partner –  that addiction may be alcohol, drugs, food, TV, porn, parental approval whether parent be dead or alive, and material things such as collections, etc.
Relationship is for giving, receiving and ultimately healing and growth both individually and together to equal balance in self and in one another. It takes much self-awareness and a mature openness in both  individuals to merge with another in genuine love and commitment. Otherwise, it’s just playing, like a child does and becomes a game to see who can take and get their needs met in spite of the  needs of the other.

In today’s world, there is much narcissism, selfishness, materialism, self-centeredness, lack of commitment, immorality, inability to self-reflect, lack of ability to look at self in genuine awareness. And because of this lack there are many unhappy, depressed, anxiety-ridden, addicted even tormented people. Immaturity is rampant. Accountability and responsibility are lacking.

There is no relationship without accountability and responsibility. It’s about commitment to self in awareness and growth as well as commitment to one another. This is what makes relationship so rich, worthwhile and life worth living.

In relationship is where you learn about yourself  in ‘relation’ to another human being with the ability to become more and this is even in casual daily passing relationships. Only ultimately and more importantly, it is intensely experienced in the love relationship. You were attracted to another and brought together for a reason and purpose. If you shut down, runaway or escape when it gets difficult or becomes real, you are not only harming your partner but ultimately yourself.

When commitment, accountability and responsibility are negated, put down, diminished, dismissed, ignored and escaped from in our individual lives, we are creating  a distorted, fractured, weak immoral society and  world – wherein self-pleasure, selfishness and self- centeredness rule and ultimately there is much self misery.

Books to assist in awareness and growth DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – memoir/self-help & FEAST OF MEN – story of a woman’s heart – Both available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc. in e-book and soft cover.

8 thoughts on “Can insecure fearful people…”

  1. Ayn, I dated a man like you describe. It was all about him. He acted arrogant but was reallly insecure. It’s like being with a child. You describe him perfectly. He blamed all his troubles and issues on other people or me. thank you I needed to read this today. To answer your question no I do not think insecure people can genuinely love

  2. Nailed it. No insecure weak people don’t love they drain energy and life out of everyone around them including their children. Eveyone should read what yu write, Ayn.

  3. YES! to what you wrote and NO! insecure people try to blame others for everything in their lives! They can’t love anyone! It takes and emotionally secure person to love and give to another. You are a very wise woman. I read Daddy Throws me in the air and loved it. I will get the other one. Keep writing! Never stop!

  4. Dang! Big dang! Ayn I agree with another poster you NAILED IT! You always do! sharing! Insecure people hide in and behind anything and anyone they can to not face them self! I have lived this. I went through a hell of my own making to avoid facing myself! I was living in fear! I got sober and faced myself! Now I feel like new person! Keep writing!

  5. I married a insecure women and she was jealous of everything in my life. She started drinking and had an affair to make herself feel desirable then blamed me for her having the affair. We went to therapy and she confessed that she was molested when she was a child. It was a terrible time for us but we got through it. She still goes to therapy and most likely will all her life.

  6. Brilliance as always. What you captured in this article is what is what is wrong with society today. Immature insecure non commital people. It’s all about the hook ups . Screwed up world. Screwed up people

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *