Tag Archives: Daddy Throws me in the Air

Those moments and times of perfection…

…how  wonderful and fleeting they are. You know those moments and times when the house is clean – all errands done – everything is calm and peaceful in your world as you sit in bed sipping iced coffee in calm – talking to loved ones – etc.  Or cooking, as you  create a meal for those whom you love while sipping wine – sharing and talking . Or after a vigorous workout when your physical, mental, and emotional bodies are drained and cleansed  with endorphins flowing. Or after making love to the person you love laying peacefully together. – eyes meeting – skin touching breathing in sync.  Or watching a sunset – walking beside the ocean as the waves pull in and out.  Sliding into clean fresh sheets after a long day or getting out of a warm shower – wrapping a big soft towel around you – all clean and relaxed. It’s peace. It’s calm. It’s goodness, happiness and  complete joy all wrapped into one! It’s Heaven on earth. These are some of the kind of moments that  are perfection to me.

We all have our variations of the perfect moments in time.  Those moments that ‘still us’ into what it means to be truly happy, peaceful and content. Those moments for the most of us have to do with people – the giving, loving and sharing, our communication of self and gifts of self to others.

Then the world shifts – something breaks – the car – the dishwasher – there are more errands to do – things to clean and wash – irritating even horrible news about something happening in the world, a tooth aches, tummy hurts  and the moments and time of perfection  seem to fade way even to cease – as a seemingly irritating kind of hell emerges –  as we do what is needed to  try to make our way back to that place of peaceful wonderful.

We live on a planet of dualities – good and evil – nothing stays the same – it shifts and moves from pleasant to troubling – perfection to irritating – it always has and always will. And realize it or not – this is a positive thing – this shifting and changing from peace to turmoil is what keeps us striving for more of the perfection of the peaceful good. Striving for the good – those moments in time of perfection – can be a wonderful stimulus for experience, learning, growth and change. So actually, it’s all good – all  in the perfection of God’s earth. Therefore, love your peaceful perfection as well as  the perfection of your irritating, struggle, challenging and striving turmoil. I know and  well understand, easy to say when all is well, and not so easy when all is out of whack and in turmoil. Never the less, try to recall  and know – because this too soon will pass — Our perfect moments help us to keep on going through the irritations, pain – hell. And our challenging times help us to be grateful for the times when we are in joy and bliss – our individual Heaven on earth.

It’s all as God planned it – just for you. It’s why we are here on earth.  A book to read for awareness, processing and healing as we travel through this challenging and wonderful life. It’s available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble – all the usual places and also available on the front of this site.

https://www.amazon.com/Daddy-Throws-Air-Ayn-Dillard/dp/1619848031/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532879066&sr=1-1&keywords=Daddy+throws+me+in+the+air 

The Grass Is Greener….

Really? Are you so sure about that? We all have the tendency, at times to think the grass is greener in someone else’s life or that if we could only have this, do that, achieve thus and so – then our life would be wonderful and we will have ‘arrived’! Really? Arrived – where?  Anywhere you go – there you will be. And do you really think having that car, purse, or dress, etc. will change who you are or make a difference in who you are or how you feel about yourself – for long? Whatever you put on your body – you are still yourself inside.

Have you ever envied someone else’s life, only to realize when you get to know them  –  Whoa! I am so glad I am me and not them.

Appreciating who you are, where you are and what you have is the greatest awareness. It’s called acceptance, peace, happiness and inner joy.  It’s called  being in the moment – being in present time – and that is  the real gift – the ‘present’.  You are where you are in any given time for a divine purpose and reason. It’s your life in that moment of time to fully feel and to enjoy.

This does not mean that you stop trying to achieve, grow, do and have, but that you be in the moment, satisfied and appreciating of all that you have and where you are in that particular time – in the now.  Life can always change for the good, or for the worst – in an instant. If you aren’t able to experience the joy in and of the moment then you will not be able to feel fully satiated no matter what you have, do or gain – you will always feel lack. longing and wanting of more or something else to try and fill up the empty hole that you have inside yourself.  You will always be thinking the ‘grass is greener’. A person who does this is not able to settle into peace with self.

Things don’t give you peace. Things don’t/won’t fulfill you for long – they will always leave you wanting for more, different or newer.

Someone who can’t feel settled in self is always thinking that the ‘grass is greener’.  That there is something out there somewhere that they need, just must have in order to feel ‘okay’, or better about themselves. They can’t, – are unable to settle into peace, appreciation and joy because they are too busy being on the prowl looking for something else to fill them up.

Not being able to settle in self may  actually cause them to  lose all that they do have  – to be lost – never to be realized again.  As in a man who cheats on their spouse, ‘thinking’ the pretty little thing that caught their eye is what they ‘must’ have to feel happy and content,  only to lose everything that means any and everything in the world to them – then to realize  that pretty little thing is nothing much at all – just a momentary shiny new thing.

Those who  are always looking for the next shiny thing – end up going through lots of tinsel… without  ever holding onto  or having a real diamond in their hands for long –  because they may drop the diamond to chase the tinsel.

Those who think the ‘grass is greener’ have  little to no balance in their lives.  They are in a pattern of dismissing & diminishing what it is that they do have – no matter how great it actually may be. – they can’t see or appreciate it  because they are always on the search &   looking for more, next, another, or what they ‘think’ is  ‘better’ to fill up their empty soul. They do this because of their dissatisfaction with self.

Joy happens when you can appreciate and live in the moment. Joy is the awareness of the moment  and being in appreciation for all that you have – that what God has placed before you is yours – it’s your perfect place to be!

Did you ever stop to think that while you are thinking the ‘grass is greener’ that someone is looking at you – your life – your wife – your house – etc. and thinking the ‘grass is greener’ where you are?

Your life is ‘your’ gift from God – whatever – where ever – it may be or is. It’s yours. So appreciate the good and the bad – because it’s  all yours.

How about stating in this moment – I approve of myself. I am all that I ever thought I would or could be in this very moment.  I am blessed. Thank you God for all that I am, all that I have, all the lessons, all the trials, all the awareness, all that I have become and all that I will be.  If you can’t/don’t appreciate the moment without the wanting, even yearning for more – you will never experience contentment, peace and joy.

Then carry  forward  from that point – creating, learning, etc, while  making sure to appreciate what you are  and have in the now,  the people in your life etc. in this time frame.

For awareness … DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – memoir/self-help 

on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and all the other usual places.

You were born  and placed exactly where you were meant to be. Your circumstances and experiences are perfect for you and who you are meant to become. It’s up to you to either break against or immerse yourself  – change – grow or become more – most importantly to become more aware. It’s your  life. This moment is yours! Be aware and be in joy!

https://www.amazon.com/Daddy-Throws-Air-Ayn-Dillard/dp/1619848031/ref=sr_1_1_twi_pap_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1529383520&sr=8-1&keywords=Daddy+throws+me+in+the+air&dpID=41Ym6dKOKtL&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&dpSrc=srch   

Two-faced, smile to your face, talk about you behind your back…

Polite and nice to money. Rude otherwise and looks down upon, even shows disdain for those with less than, or in poverty.  Judges people by their car, house, clothes, etc.  instead of their character. They don’t even know what ‘character’ is  because they have none – so they can’t recognize it in others. Will do anything – lie, cheat, steal to achieve the image, position or appearance of control or power over others. Mistakes having power and things as greatness.

Say one thing then  they do another. Say words or act in ways to manipulate for their use or gain. Nice, courteous and kind to people when selling something – be it a service or a product but uncaring, dismissive even rude otherwise. try to extract value for self from people, places and things with no regard to what they might do to harm.

Men who tell  lies to get a woman into bed. Women who flirt and compliment to make an oaf feel like a king for her gain – doing so, only to manipulate and with ill-intent instead of worthy intentions.

I have observed and become more aware of  this kind of behavior in our world today. This is why, in my opinion there is so much depression, anxiety, addiction, harm to self and others. There is a lack of respect for our fellowman and  ultimately ourselves.

I am otherwise, I was taught otherwise and choose to live otherwise. My words and behaviors reveal who I am, not only to others but to myself.  My word is my honor and my bond. I can be counted on to do what I say, or I don’t say it. So many people these days cannot be counted on for anything much less their word.

What I do in private, matters as much as what I do in public. Of course, I have been known to say what I think – which means, I don’t lie to myself or others.  There are  these concepts called – truth – honesty –  responsibility and accountability.

I try to live by the golden rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Do I lose it at times and mess up? Of course! But this serves me also,  to become more aware of my behaviors and how they may affect others including myself. It’s called ‘self-reflection’ and ‘self-awareness’. We won’t grow, if we don’t have both in our emotional and mental selves.

If we are not becoming more aware in our lives, then what is it we are actually doing? Accumulating stuff – screwing as many people as we can – and on multiple levels –  taking  instead of giving? Look into the eyes of people who have done this in their life even for their entire lives with little to no awareness.  Oh, then of course, some know exactly what they are doing and these are the evil ones. And these people  have dead eyes which reflect their internal selves

Look at the eyes and faces of the Clintons – they are perfect examples. Bill is only 71 and he looks as if he is 171. 

Today so many seem to live by the motto – ‘Screw others before they screw me’.  They will say  or promise thus and so and if they are lying or change their mind and it inconveniences or harms another — so what? Their motto is –  ‘It’s ‘me’ that matters, not them’. What value can I extract from another. They are all about self and this is why they are so internally twisted and unhappy, seeking any and every thing to numb out their torment and misery.

We have become in many ways a selfish, narcissistic society. And that is why so many are unhappy, turn to drugs, alcohol, stuff their selves with food, buy too many things, sit on the sofa watching TV or playing computer games, watching porn, having sex with people only for sex, stare at their phones – texting or surfing the internet even when in the company of others.  Living behind a facade of cars, clothes, fitness routines  – so concerned with ‘image’ – they forget  their internal/eternal self – when reality is – nothing is fit or right about them. Or  they may live in a fat, unkempt body, wearing ill-fitting sloppy clothing, lazy and slovenly  while, thinking nothing matters,  including their appearance, while being envious even hating those who appear they are ‘really together’ – but  who inside may be also dying.

There is a concept called balance – both  inside and outside. The inside will reflect on the outside in some manner or form.

Those who indulge in these behaviors ‘think’ they are putting something over on everyone  else, but what they are really doing is harming themselves, even going as far as to be rotting their soul. Who – they are conning – is themselves. They are choosing to live by no standards, disaplines or morals, but that of self-gratification and all this does is to make a person selfish, self-centered, internally alone, even though they may be surrounded by others – bloated and fat – possibly catch STDS for having sex with many – and because of selfish self-indulgences  they lose their ability to love and care for others and therefore, lose their own individual humanity, just for the purpose  and sake of their momentary attainment and  pleasure of fake power and things. Image is actually nothing. It’s the internal reality that matters.

When you are true to yourself is when you will be true to others. and this has to do with integrity in body, mind and spirit and this comes from continual awareness of self as it relates to others and your relationship with yourself. Self -awareness and self-reflection are keys to happiness.

A book to assist in awareness:

 https://www.amazon.com/Daddy-Throws-Air-Ayn-Dillard/dp/1619848031/ref=sr_1_1_twi_pap_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1528307660&sr=1-1&keywords=Daddy+Throws+me+in+the+air&dpID=41Ym6dKOKtL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch

 

Hillary – the eternal victim…

Hillary played/plays the role of victim her whole life.

She tried to blame others – as in the ”great right-wing conspiracy” for the reason her husband, Bill Clinton, was outed for his sexual escapades – but oops!  His sexual crimes against women were/are true. BLAMING  and LYING were her tools used at that time, in order to play the victim. VICTIMS BLAME OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS IN LIFE.  They don’t  accept responsibility – they blame, project, lie and deflect! Hillary is a master at this.

The poor victim, Hillary, stayed with Bill during and after his sexual escapades were outed – with her complete and full knowledge of – so she could try to become the first woman president riding on his political coat tails.  BUT she failed at being elected president, not only once, but twice. The ceiling Hillary has busted through is being the biggest VICTIM on the planet – while truthfully it’s all her fault that she is such. She writes books about her victim position – asking WHY? WHY? WHY? She blames everyone and everything else – but not herself – as she lies, blames, manipulates and deflects.

She could have divorced  Bill and continued life on her own  taking responsibility making her a brave, strong, self-sufficient woman. Instead, she stayed with Bill and sucked off the American people even creating a ‘foundation’ which kept/keeps most the money for themselves and their over-the-top affluent lifestyle – as they con, manipulate, and suck off anyone they can find. The pretense is a bit of good which hides much deception, evil and greed – to feed and justify their victim mentality. She creates victims and preys on victims. She thinks she is a victim.

After Hillary lost the presidency, she could have gracefully accepted the outcome. Displaying responsibility  honor, integrity and grace (which we know from her previous behaviors, she carries none of these attributes in her psychological make-up.) Hillary’s psychological make-up is that of a victim to stay whining, blaming, deflecting, lying and manipulating  in order to stay in  the forefront and  she will not stop or go away. She will do anything even murder.

Victims never accept responsibility. Instead, they hide and dodge. Hillary has helped to create a herd of victim women followers who  follow her lead as they whine, blame, deflect and even wear pink vagina costumes. – looking not only the victims but the fools!

Victims are the greatest stealers of everyone’s energy – they want the whole world to feel pity and sorry for them – as they try to gain, take or steal any and every thing  they want or ‘think’ that they need to feel better about what they ‘think’and ‘interpret’ is their ‘victim’ status in life. Victims suck the life out of the room and everyone who surrounds them.  Their goal is pity as they seek even demand ‘power’ over others to give them undeserved gains on many levels.

Hillary promotes ‘women’s rights and equality’, while she lives  her life the exact opposite. She stayed with a womanizer, rapist, cheater and blamed the women who called him out for what he did. The women standing up to Bill Clinton were/are the strong ones – not Hillary.

Hillary Clinton is a self-made victim. Her personality is VICTIM! Everything that comes out of her mouth is victim driven.  Those who wear the cloak of victim try to use it  for their gain. They are actually weak, immoral, corrupted in their soul – real losers. Hillary Clinton is a self-made/created victim sucking off America and the whole world. Hillary is on a constant and continual victim tour. 

It would serve Hillary and her victim followers to read – 

Challenges, problems, losses, pain, disappointments help a person grow, become stronger, develop new skills and most importantly become aware. Without all these, there would be no growth. We are on the planet of dualities – good and evil. There will be challenges, problems and pain. It’s how a person handles issues in life that make them who they are – either to rise up, become aware, develop character, strength and knowledge, or to fall into being a victim, stuck in negativity, limiting imprints and negative emotions that block their growth, awareness and ultimately their happiness and peace. Victims easily fall into addictions and the repeating of WHY? WHY? WHY ME?!

https://blog.womenexplode.com/2018/02/why-so-much-anxiety-depression-mental-illness-addictions/

So deemed ‘bad’ things happen to us all. It’s how we process them that make us either a victim or a strong, healed, self-actualize person. To assist to shift your awareness out of victim status — order. 

Dillard/dp/1619848031/ref=sr_1_1_twi_pap_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1522603193&sr=1-1&keywords=Daddy+Throws+me+in+the+air&dpID=41Ym6dKOKtL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch  

Sugar is Salt! Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

I am twelve or thirteen… 

It is April Fool’s Day!  What a blast!  This is the day you can play all sorts of tricks on people.

My friend Linda is spending the night.  We’re going to plan some really neat tricks to play on my parents.  My parents don’t laugh much and I think some tricks might make them laugh and have some fun.

We’re going to wait until they go to sleep.  Then sneak up to the kitchen to figure out the best tricks that we possibly can, to make my parents have a fun April Fool’s Day.

Linda says she has played tricks on her parents and they always thought the tricks were funny.  So we decide we might play some of the same tricks on my parents. Since she tried them out on her parents, we know that they’ll work.

Everyone in the house is asleep but us.  We slowly climb up the stairs to the kitchen.  So we’ll have just enough light to see what we’re doing, we turn on the light in the pantry. We snoop through the pantry looking for ideas.  Okay, what shall we do?

Linda says the first thing we can do is exchange the sugar for the salt.  She says that her parents thought it was funny when she played this trick on them.

Cool idea! We pour the sugar out of its container then fill it with salt. We’re giggling.  Can’t you just see their faces when they put salt into their coffee.  Okay, what else can we do?

The first thing, my parents do when they get up is to have their coffee.  So, what can we do to the coffee?  What looks enough like coffee that we could make an exchange without there being any notice?  Nestle chocolate drink mix?  No dirt, dirt would work!  We’re amazed by our clever ideas.  We sneak outside through the back entrance to scoop some finely ground dirt out of the flower bed.  We sprinkle the dirt into the coffee container laughing as we do.  This is going to be so cool!

Linda comments, “Your parents are going to just die when they drink their mud coffee with salt in it.  It’s going to be so funny!  They’re going to laugh their heads off!  Now what else can we do?”

I’m beginning to feel uneasy about all this. “I think we have done enough.”  She responds, “No we haven’t!  I bet we can think of a lot more funny April Fool’s things to do!”  I say, “No, this is enough to do.”  She says, “What a party pooper, you are!”

We run back downstairs full of excitement for what tomorrow will bring when my parents wake up to their April Fools surprises.  Linda and I stay up real late watching the late shows on TV.

The next morning, we’re sleeping very soundly, until we hear blood chilling screams coming from the kitchen.

My mother sounds hysterical.  She’s screaming and yelling for my father to come into the kitchen.

I wake up startled and quickly.  My heart jumps into my throat.  I freeze up inside. Oh, no, apparently my mother doesn’t think our tricks are funny. Please, God, don’t let mother yell and scream in front of my friend.

Linda and I sneak up the back stairs to the kitchen.  We wait and listen.  My father comes into the kitchen as my mother is screaming and telling him about her coffee.  She’s actually almost crying.

My father yells for me.  I’m scared to death.  What can I do?  What’s going to happen to me?  I was only playing a joke!

Linda looks frightened, too, but she says.  “What’s the big deal?  It’s only an April Fool’s joke.”

We muster up our courage and walk the rest of the way up the stairs to the kitchen.  We nervously say, “April Fools!  Did we surprise you?  Pretty good tricks, huh?”

My mother is hysterical and crying.  She’s going on about how her coffee is ruined and what a brat I am.

I say, “Mother, it’s only a joke.  We were just having some fun.  I thought that you would laugh and think it was funny.  It’s April Fool’s Day, you know, the day when people play jokes on people.”

My very angry crying mother says.  “Not only did you ruin my morning cup of coffee!  Now, I’m going to have to pour all of the coffee out because you put dirt in it.  You are a brat!  My whole day is ruined because of you!”

My father is trying to go along with my mother’s angry tirade, but he’s chuckling under his breath.  He comments, “The kids were just trying to do some tricks.  Relax, it’s no big deal. We can get more coffee.”

When my father says this, my mother just glares at me and I feel a chill go down my spine.  I feel my mother’s hate for me.  I feel how she cannot stand it when my father sides with me.  She wants to always make sure that I get into trouble and that my father is aware of how ‘bad’ I am.  She likes to make a scene and make sure I get punished.

So she continues to rant and rave, until my father finally gets angry and yells at me.  He yells his usual things about what a naughty brat I am.

Linda and I both apologize then go back downstairs.  We only meant to have fun and make jokes but what we did was make my mother upset.  Nothing we did turned out to be fun.  It was upsetting for all of us.

When I look back at this scene, I can remember the excitement I felt wanting to create some innocent fun for my parents and me.  I was trying to reach out and touch them in a ‘fun’ way.  It made me excited to hear that my friend’s parents responded to her jokes in a positive manner.  It gave me hope that my parents might respond in the same way.  I hoped that my parents would laugh and say what a funny idea.  Then we could all have a good laugh together and feel close to one another, but as usual with my parents, nothing seemed to get the reaction that I was looking for.

As an adult, I can understand that it must have been frustrating for my mother to endure muddy, salty coffee.  I am sorry that I upset her and that she did not appreciate my April Fool’s joke, but looking back, I still think it was funny.

My awareness is that my mother and father never do appreciate my sense of humor.  It is like we are on a different wave link.  Most of the time when I am teasing or trying to be funny, they take it as though I am being serious then I get into trouble.

I do not show my sense of humor to them anymore. I am tired of being criticized for my humor and my light heartedness.  I show my humor and fun side to people who will enjoy and appreciate it for what it is. The sad thing to me is that I feel like I cannot be myself when I am with my parents.  I feel like I have to watch everything I say to them for fear of being criticized.

My awareness is that I can always be true to who I am but can show different sides of myself to different people as is appropriate to do so.

All of us have different ideas of what we think is humorous.

Some people do not seem to have any sense of humor. Then I’ve met others who thought they were funny and I did not get their humor at all.

Every one is an individual and what is funny to one may make the other one cry.  The awareness is to see humor from both sides.  The perspective a person is coming from decides whether they will think something is funny or not. We all have varying degrees of sensitivity. Humor is based on an individual’s perspective.

“Men are disturbed not by things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.” Epictetus

To order:

Boasting, bragging, nosy, controlling people…

Blowhard : someone who always brags or boasts about himself. He is also a braggart, bragger,  vaunter, etc. Blowhard is an informal word describing someone who can’t stop talking about themselves or their accomplishments either real or imagined.

Just recently, I interacted with one of the biggest braggers I have encountered. I met her online. She approached me – concerning my book.  She thinks she knows everything about everything. She asks intrusive, nosy and rude questions and if you don’t answer them , she gets offended that you don’t give her all the info she seeks. She talks about money all the time – what car she drives –  how big her house is – if you mention any topic, she knows more about it than you or anyone else does – and all her ‘friends’ or associates are ‘experts’ in their fields and according to her – ‘know more about anything than anyone else’. Her children are the most accomplished and her husband the best husband in the world – HA! As she continued her BS – I realized that she knows little to nothing about much. She refers to everyone as her ‘besties’ – including me and I just met her – never met her in person and have no desire to do so. She uses emoji’s like some child – like 10 of them with every post or text. Always trying to draw attention to herself. She hides behind the mantel of being a Christian – when her behavior is any and everything but. I tried to give her the benefit of my doubt but my first instincts were correct – so I cut my interaction off with her – but not fast enough. She is a people collector – a sucker of energy. A vampire – searching for prey. 

A person who brags, is a person who seeks external validation since the individual cannot self-validate. The individual doesn’t find or have the inner resources to validate himself. Bragging and boasting implies an inferiority complex.

Braggadocious people are usually also controlling – they want to control the conversation and make it and everything else all about them – what they own – what they do – who they know – what they know – how much money they have. They try to control the conversation in order to get information about you or others.  They ask intrusive nosy questions to find out where they can suck, take, or use against you. Nosy in order to glean information for them to use against you or to put you down when they need another boost for their fragile insecure ego. They will eventually use your vulnerabilities against you in some form or another – even if it’s only to feel better about themselves and to get  or for them to think that they have the upper hand. Many braggers have sociopathic and narcissistic traits.

They try to connect to people with success, money, accomplishment or  some sphere of influence – so they can add them to their arsenal of what ‘expert’ friends and associates they have – in order to have more to brag about – even if it’s only by association. They collect people as if they were things.  They ‘think’ that associating with others of accomplishment will rub off on them – they even take others accomplishments and try to make themselves part of it – trying to take the accolades from someone and trying to make themselves appear that they assisted in someone’s success. They many times exaggerate, if not actually lie and many live way above their means in order to keep up their fake image and facade of – ‘I am – oh so wonderful, happy and great – above all others!’These people are innately insecure and  severely lacking internally.

Wouldn’t it be absurd if Einstein tried to show off concerning his intelligence? We all know he is a genius. Einstein received external and internal validation. People with  accomplishment, be it wealth, accolades, intelligence, happiness, beauty, etc. – don’t need to brag or boast about it – it just is. They are who they are and others sense who they are by their actions, words, behavior and lifestyle –  no need to brag or boast – because who they are  emanates naturally from their pores.

Steer clear of those who are boastful, braggarts, nosy, controllers – who ‘think’ they know everything – who don’t listen, don’t self-reflect about how their rude, intrusive, arrogant, boasting affects others and can’t be shown or taught self-awareness or much else – they will usually take advantage of you,  if and when you don’t go along with their plans, do as they deem, or  they realize that you see through them – they may even try to take from you and do you harm when you don’t give them what they want or need from you.

Realize when you feel more than or less than others – you are not feeling equal to…

A book to assist  – read with self-reflection, honest comprehension and you will grow more  in awareness.

Anxiety – depression – mental illness – addictions in our world today…

I have been noticing even more lately than ever before the level of anxiety and mental illness in people. It might be that some are addicted to drugs or alcohol and this is why they behave off balance – I don’t know? But so many appear and act depressed – bipolar – anxiety ridden – narcissistic – lost – hateful – like they don’t give a da-m about themselves or anyone else.

Some have been  diagnosed with ADHD and ADD –  children and adults – lots of hyperactivity – little to no attention span – little to no ability to focus – attachment disorders and avoidant personality traits. All this was not occurring often when I was growing up or in earlier times.  Depression – it seems to be everywhere.  Continual ads about what drug to take if you are depressed, even as they admit the drugs, they are promoting may not work and may even make a person more depressed even suicidal. Perhaps, too many are taking too many drugs of all sorts in the first place! How can bodies process all the junk that some are putting into theirs? It’s certainly not natural to the body,  just as too much alcohol – recreational drugs and other addictions are not natural to be ingested into our bodies or partaken in. Our bodies are natural miracles – perfectly engineered working machines created and orchestrated by God.

Is it because of the nutritionally lacking food with all the chemical additives nowadays? Is it the chemicals in the air? Of course, many who over-indulge in alcohol and who do drugs are trying to self- medicate to alleviate their pain, anxiety, depression, etc.

Is it that many families today do not have a mother and father – so our youth have little grounding? Children have a need to enter this world and to grow up in a place of dependability and safety – this way they can grow and mature mentally, emotionally and physically easily and more naturally. Is it that parents are trying to be ‘friends’ with their children instead of authority figures who guide and set boundaries? Many people who should never have children are having them at rapid rate. They seem to think their children will make them feel loved and successful – give them an identity, when it’s they who should be caring for their children – it’s all gotten turned around in distortion.

It appears so many people – adults and otherwise are stuck somewhere between toddler and teenager… ME ME ME – I want –  I want – I want. I am rebelling – rebelling – rebelling! Where can I find my next high – my stimulus – my rush – my excitement?

Where  has maturity, responsibility, respect, honor, respect for self – respect for others, manners, morals, kindness, thoughtfulness, intelligence, common sense –  gone? It’s not being displayed by more and more adults. Therefore children are mirroring many things negative to self and others with little to no awareness or ability of the positive and good. Some children these days appear not to know or understand right living. 

Is is technology? Everything is faster and faster and that everything is expected to happen quickly – happen NOW – or much frustration occurs. It is the messages in the media and in the entertainment field of perversion,  some people who don’t even know what gender they are, some who are even marrying their animals or a tree in some forest? So many seem to be pushing the envelope to a kind of bizarre distortion even into insanity – where there is no truth, peace, honor, integrity, morality, grounding or belief in the honoring of God.

So many seem to be searching – searching – searching for what?  And trying to escape – escape what? Anywhere you go – there you will still be. Money – things – notoriety – celebrity – searching for something outside themselves to help them feel ‘better’ or ‘okay’ – as if they belong to something – even if it’s something bizarre, perverted, and inane. Such as a herd of woman wearing vagina costumes – that they think will make them  feel better or even just ‘okay’ as they attach to this goofy group of nothingness.

People who are hurting  and lost inside are the ones who do the most hurt and harm to others and damage and evil in our world.  They try to attach to anyone and anything to find some kind of meaning in their life. They try to harm even destroy others because of their internal pain – searching for continual stimulation, a place to suck off of, something to heighten their feelings or to numb them.

There also seems to be also a new level of ignorance – actually stupidity – little to no common sense – many brain-dead people – who do not listen or think, but instead are spinning in their brain about what they will say next – how they will try and top someone else – even if they are lying about what they are saying or bragging about. It’s all about me – me – me – no matter how distorted. While they ‘pretend’ to care about others – the world – animals – the earth – people in other countries somewhere across the world. When they are lost, searching, empty in their soul and living a life of distortion, denial and addictions. Some appear to be locked into a brain cloud of fogginess.

Peace and happiness begin and end in self and nothing else really matters. Unless you have this,  nothing can make you happy and content for long.

It begins and ends with awareness, self-reflection,  evaluation, introspection, honesty about self and to do and be this, takes recognizing what you are feeling and why are are feeling it. Then processing through those feelings and emotions in awareness, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. Armed with the ability and tools to do this, you will arrive at a place where you are able to fill yourself with peace, happiness, love and joy!  You will be kind to yourself and therefore kinder to others. Then everything else on earth will be an extra plus to be enjoyed.

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A book to assist you  in becoming aware – to find out why you are feeling what you do and to release limiting imprints and negative beliefs.

Feminism…

fem·i·nism – noun – advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.
I agree concerning equal rights – in that, women should receive equal pay for equal work and that women should be treated with respect in the work place and not subjugated or overpowered by unwanted or unwarranted sexual advances and innuendoes  by some needy, insecure penis in the workplace, business world or anywhere else.
Other than that – what I see and hear that these radical men hating, vagina hat wearing foul-mouthed women are doing by their marches and protests is about as unfeminine and not woman-like as anything could be.  These women who are modeling for their daughters and youth that to dress and act like an idiot is womanly. It’s sad and disgusting. Imagine what these women hating men are doing to their sons as they raised them and model their sick not womanly behavior.
I am a feminine woman –  I like myself. I like men and I enjoy being admired as a woman and flirted with as appropriate to time and place. I am a strong secure woman.
The women donning these idiot costumes with their vile stoopid signs concerning their private parts are not strong, secure, intelligent or wise.  They are displaying neediness, insecurity , negative self-image and more. And their doing this has less to do with men and more to do with their internal lack of self-worth. It’s about them and no one else. They project their insecurity and hate of self into the world because they can’t stand who they are.
WASHINGTON, DC- JAN 21- Groups gather for the Women's March on Washington on Saturday, Jan. 21, 2017 in Washington, D.C. (For the Washington Post: Amanda Voisard)These women may think they are free thinkers but they are so brainwashed and controlled that they actually have no individual thoughts. They are following a group twisted in distortion, insecurity and fear. They are actually imprisoned.  They are easily manipulated by those who want to use them for their purposes – which is that of destroying their femininity and making them a  sick distortion of themselves. Insecure people like to connect with a group in order to help or make them feel validated to bolster their insecurity and cover-up for their lack of self-worth. Few of them could/can stand alone . They are a gang or a herd of loser/bullies feeding off one another’s frenzied energy.  Women who hate being women – hate men –  are lost and full of self-loathing. They are lowly and not women in my eyes with their foul words, idiotic hats and costumes.
It’s unfortunate that some men these days who are turning into ‘p—ies’. God made men and women differently for reasons. Men are to protect women.
Women such as these  are turning men into vaginas while they are acting like dicks. They are destroying the natural flow of things. they are losing their femininity while gaining  nothing but the right to act the fool – like some kind of jester to the world in a vagina hat.
As a woman,  I can match intelligence with most men, but it’s nothing I feel I have to prove. I just  want and need to be my wonderful feminine womanly self – be who I am. But you need to know who you are  in order to be who you are. That’s all any of us need… because when we do that – we are secure in self, can stand up for self and are equal to all.
I have been sexually harassed in the work environment. I exited,  addressed it immediately, sued and he settled.  And doing this, did not make me feel  less than a woman and that I needed to wear a vagina costume to prove I was a woman.
When you feel less than, you can flip into trying to feel better than and you do this because you don’t feel equal to.
A book for awareness and healing…
DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…. on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc.
 
 

Staying Home With A Cold – excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

I am fifteen… 

Feeling ill makes me aware that as humans we are fragile.   I might have the flu. My stomach hurts and nose is running. I have a cough and am so tired.

I’m staying home from school to nurture myself.   I stay in bed, rest, read, watch TV and eat soup. I comfort and lovingly nurture my human body. I feel vulnerable being in my human body today.

I enjoy watching soap operas, ‘Another World’, is my favorite. I can watch it all summer long. Then go back to school until Thanksgiving, watch it again and have not missed a thing.   But it’s still fun to watch soap operas even if they move as slow as molasses. I like to look at what the actresses are wearing and see how they’re doing their hair.

It’s fun to be home from school even though I do not feel well. I can think, reflect, breathe and ponder all sorts of things about myself and the world.   I wonder, does my mind control my body or does my body control my mind? When my body does not feel good, it affects how my mind works. It affects the way I feel and think about everything.   Today even if I had a wonderful outfit like the girls on the soap opera and a make-up artist had done my face, I would still feel awful. If I had everything in the world that I wanted right now, I would still feel bad.

I ponder, does my body control me or do I control my body? It sure seems as if today, it’s controlling me. This cold, cough and flu will pass. This sick tired feeling will be gone in a few days. I’ll be feeling good again soon. I’ll be back in school, attending ballet class and seeing my friends. But these days of bed and cuddling are enjoyable. Perhaps, illness is God’s way of saying be still, slow down, think and come into self, while contemplating your humanness and the frailty of being human.

I’m getting extra attention from the housekeeper and even my mother and my father. Extra attention feels good. I look forward to the time when I’ll have a house of my own and can stay at home all day doing what I really want to do.

Snuggling down under my covers, pulling the comforter up around my chin, I am me and happily to myself. It feels so good.   Even though I’m not at school learning, I am accomplishing lots. Learning and figuring things out about myself and the world. I do lots of thinking when I’m home sick. Time to think on your own is just as important as going to school and learning whatever they’re teaching. I like to read books they don’t even talk about at school. I like to read books by John Steinbeck. None of my teachers have ever mentioned him and he’s one of my favorite authors. School doesn’t teach me many things that I want to learn. Perhaps at times, school can be an interruption to education. It feels great to be learning on my own. I love to learn on my own.

As a child I was ill much of the time. From the age of twelve until about the age of fifteen, I had an abundance of colds, respiratory problems and flu symptoms. Perhaps I became ill to avoid going to school. I withdrew to avoid facing more feelings of not being good enough while feeling bored.   This may not have been a conscious decision, but it is how it manifested itself in my body.

I stayed home from school lots, so I could be to myself and that time benefited me greatly. I spent much time thinking. I did not feel that I fit into school. I was bored and felt uncomfortable there.   My experiences with the school system were, for the majority of the time, negative. I was glad to be out of the school system. I feel that most of my learning, growth and awareness happened separate from what we call our ‘educational system’. My true talents and abilities were not discovered, developed or enhanced by this system. Actually, the schools and teachers that I experienced contributed to my insecurity and the feeling that I did not fit into the world. They also made me think learning was drudgery, when on my own I think learning is exciting.

If mother mentioned that her decorator was going to be at our house the next day, the next morning, I woke up with a stomach ache. I loved to follow our interior designer around the house asking her question after question. She was interesting and taught me much. I eventually worked in the interior design field.

My creativity was not developed by the school system. I did not fit in and felt left out. I believe the purpose of education along with teaching the basics of reading, writing and arithmetic is to open up an individual to their unique gifts and talents – to teach them to think, reason and to be inquisitive. I felt stress while in the classrooms by the way the teachers interacted with me. Therefore my body and mind were in ‘shut down’ mode. I suffered different levels of trauma most every day that I was at school.   I was trying to survive, forget trying to enjoy the experience of learning. My brain was operating at half-mast most of the time I was there. When I was in school, I felt like I was in a kind of prison. Life and colors were dimmed. The world appeared gray. I most always hated being there.

When I was away from the school atmosphere and away from my parents, I could learn, think, read and enjoy doing so. When alone, I was out of stress and could explore and stretch my mind. I was able to read, ponder and work on my school projects more effectively. I read constantly. I loved to read and would have book after book beside my bed.

During a prolonged illness, a history teacher gave me homework on chapters with papers to write. I loved working at home. I put so much energy, effort and pleasure into this project. I was sincerely learning the information and excited about what I was learning. Sitting home alone in my room, I worked diligently on this project. Away from the school environment and able to be alone during the day, where it was quiet and peaceful, I could learn quickly and enjoy the process.

After I completed the project, handed it in and the teacher reviewed it, he was very pleased. He told my parents that I had done excellent work and that I was a very intelligent student. Now, if I would only apply myself at school. Therefore, for all my hard work, what I got was in trouble by my parents because I did not apply myself at school. I was blamed for not fitting in.

No one ever looked at themselves or the almighty educational system. It never occurred to anyone that the school was the problem and not me.   How did we get so in entrenched in the idea that people needed to fit into some system and then when they don’t, it is their fault and not the system created?

A person is more open and receptive when they are relaxed and comfortable in their environment. The educational system might want to focus on this concept. A happy and relaxed student will be open to learning and developing their talents and skills. It might be well advised to incorporate into the school curriculum ways to teach individuals how to relax, to enjoy learning and about real life. Learning is fun and should be experienced as such. Perhaps classes about tools to lead the individual to emotional peace are just as important as anything else they are taught.

Education is not just about making children fit into a ‘system’ or to obey ‘teacher’s rules’. It is for the development of the individual as unique. Each one of us has incredible talents and skills just waiting to be unleashed. I understand that learning discipline, arriving on time, and following rules are part of learning.

Freedom equals creativity – control stifles creativity. Much of the time, our most talented pupils have their uniqueness delayed or even thwarted all together by the system that we now have in place.

Many individuals who have created what has given the most to our world did not fit into our school system. Some of our most talented and brilliant – our inventors and artists were labeled ‘learning disabled’ by the standards of the system we have created.   So perhaps, it is time to truly recognize that our systems in the world need to be as ever changing as our own beliefs about ourselves need to be.

Being different is great. Individuality is what it’s all about.

Sometimes an illness is far more than just healing the body.   It is for healing and freeing the mind to create the time and space to relax, think, change and grow.

The educational system should be a place of honoring the individual for being individual. Individual creativity is what will heal the world.

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” Albert Einstein

A book for awareness and healing…

 

I Am A Murderer! – excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR

In my thirties…

When I was in high school, I didn’t know what an abortion was. Only the sleaziest of girls went ‘all the way’. I didn’t know of, or ever even heard of a girl getting pregnant. If one did, it was hidden and taken care of by her family to an outcome that they alone reached and it was done in private.

I didn’t have my first ‘French Kiss’ until the night of my high school prom. The first man that I ‘went all the way’ with, we were engaged and got married. As an adult, I can look back and know that I missed nothing by not having sex at a young age. In that area, I was able to be a child, instead of pretending or playing at being grown-up.

When I was in college, one of my best girlfriends from high school got pregnant by her longtime boyfriend and I was appalled to hear it. No one that I knew of got pregnant before they got married. This couple quickly married because to have a child out of wedlock just wasn’t done. It was shameful to everyone concerned.

I dealt with the issues of sexuality as an adult and even then they were at times very difficult. In my thirties, I got pregnant. The man and I were in love, but I wasn’t out of my first marriage even though we had been separated for years. My ex-husband dragged it out and forced it to court. My first marriage had ended in complete embarrassment and scandal and the whole town knew about it. It would have added more shame for my family and me if I was pregnant, not being completely divorced and not married. The man I loved and I, couldn’t get married, until three months after my divorce was final and it was not even as of yet final. So for the sake of image, we killed our baby.

The man I was dating told me that he would do whatever I wanted to do in this regard. We were planning on getting married anyway, but after much discussion, we opted for abortion.

It was the most difficult decision that I have ever made in my life. I changed my mind several times before actually having the abortion. Even as I was getting out of the car to enter the medical facility, he and I were still discussing it. One of my thought processes in deciding to have an abortion was that it must be okay because others were doing it. Then there was ‘Roe versus Wade’, a ruling that deemed it okay to abort a baby.  This created distorted thinking in me to think that if the government said it was okay then it must be okay. As if having an abortion and killing a child, had a government stamp of approval. Therefore even though in my heart and soul, I knew it was wrong. I made the difficult and horrendous decision to kill our baby. Even as they were putting me under anesthesia, I was protesting in my heart. The doctor feeling my angst said, “Relax, it will be over soon.”

I went to court to testify in my divorce on Monday of that week, which was eventually awarded to me on extreme mental cruelty in a no-fault divorce state. Then on Friday of that same week, I had an abortion.

That doctor performing the abortion was incorrect. It was never over. I suffered emotionally for years because of this decision. The man and I married the following year, but our having made the abortion decision, irreparably harmed our relationship. I couldn’t get past it and he wanted to forget it. He did suffer but he didn’t want to think, talk about it or to deal with his emotions. I needed to deal with mine. I would have intense crying spells concerning this decision. I felt tormented in my heart. I prayed and asked God repeatedly for forgiveness, until I was finally able to put it into some sort of perspective. But I will never get over it and when I think of it, still to this day, I feel like crying. Abortion is murder. On my death bed, I will still be asking for God’s forgiveness for this decision.

Many years later, I told my father about my having an abortion. I am not sure that he believed me or that it really sunk in. He just stared at me and said, “Of all my children, I wanted you to have grandchildren.” Hearing him say this, of course made me feel worse than I already did, in some regards, but not in others. In some ways, I was glad that I didn’t have children. I had such a horrible childhood in some ways that I didn’t want a child to be brought into this world to suffer as I had. I wanted a child to be born into a marriage with a loving couple. I never felt that I had that.

These were my beliefs based on the imprints that I took in from my family of origin.

Children are gifts from God no matter how or where they enter the world. I believe that whatever circumstances a child enters into is theirs to break against, to heal from and is their opportunity to become more of who they are meant to be.

I don’t want women that make the decision to have an abortion to have to sneak into some back alley and have it done by some hack or in less than sterile and safe circumstances. But at the same time, if having an abortion carried shame, it might curtail some from getting pregnant in the first place. That there is shame associated with getting pregnant out of wedlock.

Why is abortion a government issue? Shouldn’t this most serious decision be made between a woman, her doctor, her family, those in her life who understand her situation and her God?

I believe in a woman’s right to choose as there are circumstances in life and that of the unborn where an abortion might be the decision neede be made.  I am not stating that abortion is the right thing to do, as this is not my place, nor is it the place of the government. It is deeply personal and a decision of seriousness that matches few others, as is also the decision to bring a child into the world.

There is a right or better way to live, such as a couple of mature age,  fall in love, get engaged, marry, buy a house then when they are settled, financially responsible and secure in their relationship, have a child. This is actually the best/better/easier way.  Sure there are many other ways, but when you do things ‘right’ – they have a better chance to turn out positive for all concerned.

When and how did abortions become such an ordinary and easy decision to make? Was it ‘Roe versus Wade’ that did it? But the woman that forced the decision concerning this ruling being made into law, has since changed her mind.

How did we as a country become so lax and promiscuous? Was it when the government started paying for unwed mothers and their issue? Is this when many decided that having a ‘government baby’ was the thing to do or even a ‘lifestyle choice’ that was desirable – that the ‘government’ be a child’s father?

I was in my thirties when I had an abortion and even then I didn’t realize how deeply that I would be affected for the rest of my life by this decision. So how in the world can a young person in high school, or even younger understand or have any idea about the importance or how profoundly deep a decision it is to have sex, get pregnant, choose to have an abortion or to bring a life into this world? You need to be able to provide and care for yourself before you bring a life into the world to be under your care and supervision.

Sex creates life. Human life is the most valuable creation there is. Life is the most valuable, important, precious and profound thing on our planet. Abortion is killing a growing human being.  Abortion is killing a life.

My awareness is that I made the choices that I did, based on where I was at the time.  I made a choice guided by shame and image. I made a decision that instinctively I knew was wrong, but based on the fact that the government deemed it okay. I went with the government’s decision to kill an unborn child. Had I not had the government’s blessing, I may not have had the abortion.

I understand all sides, mine, the father of the baby’s, society and the governments. I accept the choice that I made and have lived with it ever since I made it. I forgive myself and all concerned and I turn it over to God.

A book for awareness and healing…