Category Archives: Relationships

Excerpt from FEAST OF MEN ‘Story of a Woman’s Heart’

Startling me, the pilot kneels down in the aisle right by my seat then with a large smile and in a Southern drawl asks, “Are you from LA?”  I laugh silently in my twisted humor. Um, he must think I’m the hijacker. The winking pilot continues looking up at me talking all Southern and gentlemanly like. “You look like someone I used to know who lived in LA. I just wanted to see if you were her.” 

I think, what an overused line, but I look down at him then answer, “I live in Dallas – actually, just outside of Dallas and you look a bit familiar also.”

The pilot looks up at me with his eyes locked into mine. “Oh really, well, I’ve got an empty seat beside me.  Since everyone else is watching the movie, would you like to sit with me and we can chat?  I’d love to talk more with you, but can’t stay here kneeling in this aisle.”

I respond, “Okay – why not, since everyone else is watching the movie.” As I think – nice brown eyes, appears a bit overconfident, but a Southern gentleman, besides I’m bored and can’t seem to sleep. So, talking with him might be a distraction to pass the time. I get up and follow him to where he’s sitting.

He has an aisle seat. There’s a woman by the window. So, I slide into the middle seat then look back.  The lady where I was sitting is yelling and motioning, but I can’t hear her.  So, the gallant pilot goes back to retrieve both my water and Diet Dr. Pepper. Apparently, the lady couldn’t get out of her seat with my tray table down.  I didn’t bring anything with me because I thought I’d only visit with the winking pilot for a short while.

FEAST OF MEN – One woman’s magical mysterious, nightmarish, adventurous journey through men on her quest to have a better understanding of the male energy on her search to find genuine and everlasting love. Just as life brings her the masculine offering of a chance for love, along with experiencing another aspect of herself in reflection – her heart is disappointed even broken. She then is  given the opportunity even forced to heal, as she becomes even more aware of the masculine energy and her relation to it, along with a deeper awareness of her imprints and beliefs. As she travels forward on her journey, the pieces come together, break, then come together again offering her the ability to become more aware and whole.
What if Eve was leading Adam to the opportunity to experience all and every dimension of life? The feminine as it relates to masculine and masculine as it relates to feminine. Male and female rubbing souls against one another for the possibility and benefit of what love creates and heals. And this is exactly what God intended – in the full power of ‘his knowing’ – that only a woman would be able to entice a man to do so. God, after all created the serpent along with the opportunity for choice without which there would be no dark defining light challenges on earth.

Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other usual places.
http://eart/dp/1642376876/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?keywords=FEAST+OF+MEN+byt+Ayn+Dillard&qid=1561582975&s=gateway&sr=8-2-fkmr0

FEAST OF MEN – ‘Story of a Woman’s Heart’…

There must be a plan…

But we’re fools to think we have total control over our destiny. There may be choices, but the universe has its law of physics – seems most things can’t be interrupted.

As if we’re fragments of a broken mirror with the magnetic chemistry of the powerful male/female energy compelling the pieces together.

Our individual reflection in the mirror is our soul-coded-blue-print urging us to find emotional wholeness.

Endless opportunities are offered up to recognize the negative ‘painful’ aspects taken in from our ancestral lineage with the goal of integration.

The powerful allure is the quest for self-knowledge, love and validation.

The ability to feel all our emotions in honest evaluation then to incorporate each reflection shown – we will arrive at our soul’s wisdom – which may be our true life’s journey on earth.

If brave enough to walk through each aspect striving for the unification of the male/female along with our shadow and light, the magic of our soul’s destiny will be unveiled.

  As increased inner truth is acknowledged, the pieces puzzle together. Our mirror becomes clearer as senses expand revealing our current essence through which we have the ability to experience more.

Just as our hearts become free – another piece emerges forcing the image to crack once again, re-adjusting with the offer and possibility of a more magnificent reflection than we once could have ever imagined.

And the process continues, if we persistently choose to overcome the dark and are granted the honor to carry our light to others reflecting the purity of our souls as we journey our way back home…

‘Life’s mirror is friend to a wise man and an enemy to a fool.’

To order signed first edition soft cover – FEAST OF MEN ‘Story of a Woman’s Heart’

The story of Echo and Narcissus…. What is narcissism actually?

Do you use this much over-used word of the day to accuse/insult even categorize others  whom you view as having certain traits? In Greek Mythology –  which is where this personality disorder of Narcissism derives. The story goes – that there was a wood nymph named Echo who loved to talk. For some reason, she displeased the gods, so they put a curse on her  which was she was only  able to repeat  what she heard – repeat that which others said to her, back to them.

Echo was in love with a young warrior named Narcissus – who also displeased the gods – so they put a curse on him –   which was – that when he was looking into a lake, he would fall in love with his own reflection – and be able to love no one else but his image.   Who knows what these two did to displease the gods- but the gods back then seemed to be easily displeased and also curse happy.

Hence the personality ‘disorder’ of Narcissism began and was created. BUT did you notice and realize that Narcissus fell in love with his ‘image’ – not who he really was – BIG DIFFERENCE! Then as the story goes, Echo who loved Narcissus couldn’t let him know that she loved him because she could only repeat what he said back to her. Therefore, Narcissus never knew how much Echo loved him. Therefore, Narcissist was doomed to love only the image that the world saw of him – he couldn’t really love himself or Echo or feel love from others. He lived a life obsessed with his ‘image.’   Not the way he actually looked or was, but the ‘image’ that he created and was seen by the world. His image was everything to him because he could not genuinely see, understand or love self.  Narcissus means numbness in Greek. He was empty/numb inside  with no true feelings and only about his image. He had no ability to genuinely feel – internally he was void – so he ‘acted’ what he thought was appropriate by observing others.

Echo loved him, but had no way to let him know – therefore, Narcissus could feel no love or emotion  from her. Two truly cursed people. Since relationships are our biggest teachers – these two were stuck in being alone and unable to relate. They were emotionally numb and void.

Narcissism is not about taking selfies or focusing on looks, but that could be one  minor trait. Narcissists more often than not do not like their looks or their self – especially their inner self –  they are all about ‘image’. They are emotionally numb, empty and lost souls.

Narcissism is an inability to feel empathy –  being all about the wants needs of self for their self-image – the image that they create for the world to see –  not caring, giving to, or thinking much about anyone else, unless they can enhance or add to their image. It’s an empty internal existence. It’s an existence all about ‘me, myself & I’ – full of emptiness and, or pain – they often fall into narcissistic depression.

The Narcissistic Relationship

It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Don’t judge yourself for succumbing because research shows that strangers’ initial impressions of narcissists for the first seven meetings are positive. They’re seen as charming, agreeable, confident, open, well-adjusted and entertaining. Their alluring performance is designed to win trust and love, implicitly promising that their attentiveness will continue. Only later, did the research subjects see through the narcissists’ likable façade. Covert narcissists are even more disarming – because their outward image is that of kind, caring, helpful and without the usual grandiose narcissist displays – they are more subtle and obviously ‘covert’. They can quickly pull on their target’s heart strings of caring for, and protection of.

Difficulties and conflict arise in longer narcissistic relationships. At home, narcissists may privately denigrate the person they were just publicly entertaining, and after a romantic prelude, they act totally different. Once you’re hooked, they lack the motivation to maintain a charismatic façade. As the excitement of romance wanes, narcissists become disappointed in their partner. Their criticisms escalate and they may act distant and dismissive. The relationship revolves around the narcissist, while others are viewed merely as objects to use in order to manage the narcissist’s needs and fragile even empty self-esteem. Embarrassed partners watch their mate flirt with a cashier, cut to the front of the line, or castigate a clerk or waitress. They must contend with demands, judgments, and self-centeredness. They’re expected to appreciate the narcissist’s specialness, meet his or her needs for admiration, service, love, or purchases when needed — and are dismissed when they don’t.

Narcissists put themselves first, and their codependent partners concur. Both agree that the narcissist is great and that his or her mate isn’t as great and should sacrifice! This makes their relationship work … in the beginning that is. Eventually, the partner feels drained, hurt, resentful, disrespected, and lonely.

The children and partners of narcissists share Echo’s experience of feeling rejected, invisible and unheard. They long to be seen, to have their needs met, and their love returned. Many partners of narcissists sadly pine away for years longing to feel respected, important, appreciated, and cared about. Their self-esteem suffers over time. They risk turning into empty shells of their former selves. Narcissists suffer, too, because they’re never satisfied. Even though Narcissus and Echo both long for love, Narcissus can neither give love, nor receive the love Echo offers.

If you can’t feel emotions, you are the walking dead, trying to fit in as a human, but actually are a walking zombie.

Learn how to identify and process your feelings, emotions, imprints and beliefs. DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other usual places.

Sugar is Salt! Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

I am twelve or thirteen… 

It is April Fool’s Day!  What a blast!  This is the day you can play all sorts of tricks on people.

My friend Linda is spending the night.  We’re going to plan some really neat tricks to play on my parents.  My parents don’t laugh much and I think some tricks might make them laugh and have some fun.

We’re going to wait until they go to sleep.  Then sneak up to the kitchen to figure out the best tricks that we possibly can, to make my parents have a fun April Fool’s Day.

Linda says she has played tricks on her parents and they always thought the tricks were funny.  So we decide we might play some of the same tricks on my parents. Since she tried them out on her parents, we know that they’ll work.

Everyone in the house is asleep but us.  We slowly climb up the stairs to the kitchen.  So we’ll have just enough light to see what we’re doing, we turn on the light in the pantry. We snoop through the pantry looking for ideas.  Okay, what shall we do?

Linda says the first thing we can do is exchange the sugar for the salt.  She says that her parents thought it was funny when she played this trick on them.

Cool idea! We pour the sugar out of its container then fill it with salt. We’re giggling.  Can’t you just see their faces when they put salt into their coffee.  Okay, what else can we do?

The first thing, my parents do when they get up is to have their coffee.  So, what can we do to the coffee?  What looks enough like coffee that we could make an exchange without there being any notice?  Nestle chocolate drink mix?  No dirt, dirt would work!  We’re amazed by our clever ideas.  We sneak outside through the back entrance to scoop some finely ground dirt out of the flower bed.  We sprinkle the dirt into the coffee container laughing as we do.  This is going to be so cool!

Linda comments, “Your parents are going to just die when they drink their mud coffee with salt in it.  It’s going to be so funny!  They’re going to laugh their heads off!  Now what else can we do?”

I’m beginning to feel uneasy about all this. “I think we have done enough.”  She responds, “No we haven’t!  I bet we can think of a lot more funny April Fool’s things to do!”  I say, “No, this is enough to do.”  She says, “What a party pooper, you are!”

We run back downstairs full of excitement for what tomorrow will bring when my parents wake up to their April Fools surprises.  Linda and I stay up real late watching the late shows on TV.

The next morning, we’re sleeping very soundly, until we hear blood chilling screams coming from the kitchen.

My mother sounds hysterical.  She’s screaming and yelling for my father to come into the kitchen.

I wake up startled and quickly.  My heart jumps into my throat.  I freeze up inside. Oh, no, apparently my mother doesn’t think our tricks are funny. Please, God, don’t let mother yell and scream in front of my friend.

Linda and I sneak up the back stairs to the kitchen.  We wait and listen.  My father comes into the kitchen as my mother is screaming and telling him about her coffee.  She’s actually almost crying.

My father yells for me.  I’m scared to death.  What can I do?  What’s going to happen to me?  I was only playing a joke!

Linda looks frightened, too, but she says.  “What’s the big deal?  It’s only an April Fool’s joke.”

We muster up our courage and walk the rest of the way up the stairs to the kitchen.  We nervously say, “April Fools!  Did we surprise you?  Pretty good tricks, huh?”

My mother is hysterical and crying.  She’s going on about how her coffee is ruined and what a brat I am.

I say, “Mother, it’s only a joke.  We were just having some fun.  I thought that you would laugh and think it was funny.  It’s April Fool’s Day, you know, the day when people play jokes on people.”

My very angry crying mother says.  “Not only did you ruin my morning cup of coffee!  Now, I’m going to have to pour all of the coffee out because you put dirt in it.  You are a brat!  My whole day is ruined because of you!”

My father is trying to go along with my mother’s angry tirade, but he’s chuckling under his breath.  He comments, “The kids were just trying to do some tricks.  Relax, it’s no big deal. We can get more coffee.”

When my father says this, my mother just glares at me and I feel a chill go down my spine.  I feel my mother’s hate for me.  I feel how she cannot stand it when my father sides with me.  She wants to always make sure that I get into trouble and that my father is aware of how ‘bad’ I am.  She likes to make a scene and make sure I get punished.

So she continues to rant and rave, until my father finally gets angry and yells at me.  He yells his usual things about what a naughty brat I am.

Linda and I both apologize then go back downstairs.  We only meant to have fun and make jokes but what we did was make my mother upset.  Nothing we did turned out to be fun.  It was upsetting for all of us.

When I look back at this scene, I can remember the excitement I felt wanting to create some innocent fun for my parents and me.  I was trying to reach out and touch them in a ‘fun’ way.  It made me excited to hear that my friend’s parents responded to her jokes in a positive manner.  It gave me hope that my parents might respond in the same way.  I hoped that my parents would laugh and say what a funny idea.  Then we could all have a good laugh together and feel close to one another, but as usual with my parents, nothing seemed to get the reaction that I was looking for.

As an adult, I can understand that it must have been frustrating for my mother to endure muddy, salty coffee.  I am sorry that I upset her and that she did not appreciate my April Fool’s joke, but looking back, I still think it was funny.

My awareness is that my mother and father never do appreciate my sense of humor.  It is like we are on a different wave link.  Most of the time when I am teasing or trying to be funny, they take it as though I am being serious then I get into trouble.

I do not show my sense of humor to them anymore. I am tired of being criticized for my humor and my light heartedness.  I show my humor and fun side to people who will enjoy and appreciate it for what it is. The sad thing to me is that I feel like I cannot be myself when I am with my parents.  I feel like I have to watch everything I say to them for fear of being criticized.

My awareness is that I can always be true to who I am but can show different sides of myself to different people as is appropriate to do so.

All of us have different ideas of what we think is humorous.

Some people do not seem to have any sense of humor. Then I’ve met others who thought they were funny and I did not get their humor at all.

Every one is an individual and what is funny to one may make the other one cry.  The awareness is to see humor from both sides.  The perspective a person is coming from decides whether they will think something is funny or not. We all have varying degrees of sensitivity. Humor is based on an individual’s perspective.

“Men are disturbed not by things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.” Epictetus

To order:

We all see through individual eyes…

and what we see and how we perceive it is based on our psychological make-up – our intelligence and emotional levels – how we were reared and in what environment – our experiences thus far and at any given time – our astrological influences, our genetic make-up – lineage – our educational, religious and spiritual leanings – our maturity or immaturity level – our socio-economic levels – our age,  etc. We all have our individual imprints and beliefs and they will stand as they are, until and if we become aware…

What we think and perceive at the age of ten will usually be different at the age of twenty – what we perceive at twenty will often be different at the age of forty. So no wonder there are so many and such different and varied perceptions, truths, thoughts and ideas in the world.  We have all been imprinted differently. Some imprints we want – are worthy and serve us well – others not so much. Some imprints, as we become aware shift and change – others do not. Some are of the light and some are of the dark. Some are negative and some positive, and they all serve our individual purpose – until they don’t.

A ten-year-old will not enjoy hanging around a group of thirty-year olds for long nor would a thirty-year-old enjoy being with a group of ten-year- olds at length – other than for the purpose of perhaps, teaching.

Mature and intelligent people may enjoy playing games and behaving like irresponsible children for an evening of fun but hopefully, they will soon get bored with it. Usually, maturity doesn’t enjoy being around immaturity at length. The light may fly too close to the flame of darkness on occasion, but will not stay there. The dark may prey on the light – but if the light is aware, they will soon close the darkness out.

Differences can make life interesting but it can also make things stressful and tedious. We all prefer to be with those of like kind and those of like or similar minds – being so, we feel comfortable and like we are accepted, feel heard and comfortable.  Exploring out to be with others who are different, into different cultures, countries, life styles, etc. is refreshing, interesting, educational and widens our perspective, but we soon like coming back to home base and our center.  We may incorporate new things into our life and change our way of looking at the world but not completely. Only those with no core and who have been fractured feel the desire or need to leave all that they are or know behind in an attempt to live completely differently than everything they know.

When we more understand, accept, and know who we are in self-reflection, then we are able to accept, get along with and learn from others while still keeping our boundaries and self-integrity.  If we are fortunately aware , we learn to get away from and stay away from those with dark, cold, blank eyes and gravitate to those with light, joyful and interesting eyes.

Eyes are the windows to the soul… while also they are where our awareness and change in perspective brings growth and expansion to our very being. We all see through our own eyes – as we go through life triggering those who don’t see as we do and searching for those who do…

Look deep into your own eyes… and when you do, and can see self clearly – you will be more able to look into the eyes of others and recognize their nature, who they are and where their heart and intellect resides.

It all begins at awareness…

 

THANKSGIVING – Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR

Mid-thirties… 

My entire family is seated around the table in the dining room. The table is filled with turkey and all the trimmings. Dad opened a special bottle of wine. It’s a joyful family celebration. Before we begin eating, we go around the table and each one of us states what we are thankful for.

Then we dig into our Thanksgiving feast. One of us girls makes the suggestion that we reveal the worst thing that we did and got away with when we were living at home with our parents. That our parents didn’t know about.  After all, we were all living in our own homes now, so what could Mom and Dad do – ground us?

I don’t recall which one suggested it or who went first or what anyone confessed to, but when it was my turn.

“When I was fifteen and had just gotten my driver’s permit, it was a Friday night and Mom and Dad went out for the evening. I had a friend over spending the night and we were babysitting my little sisters. We watched movies popped popcorn then got bored and were looking for some excitement and adventure. It was a cold wintery night and there was a bit of snow and ice on the streets but even so, my friend and I decided that it would be fun to take the car out for a drive.”

Mother gasps. “What? I don’t believe you would even think to do such a thing!” She glances across the table at my Father.

He says, “Go on finish the story.”

I continue. “Well believe it, mother. Because after we had done our usual Friday night fun, we were ready for some real adventure. So we talked about loading all the kids in the back seat of Dad’s car then driving around the neighborhood.” I glance at Mom and she shakes her head in disbelief.

I continue, “Really Mom!”

She replies. “I don’t believe you. You are making this up just to shock us.”

I continue, “No, I’m not. We talked about doing it. Changed our minds then we decided to go ahead and do it. The little girls jumped up and down and begged that we do. So we loaded all the kids wearing their pajamas into the backseat of Dad’s car. I got behind the wheel. My friend sat shot gun and off we went. We went driving around the hills of our neighborhood in the dark when there was a bit of ice and snow on the streets. We drove around for a while just fine and it was fun. Then, in an instant we hit an ice patch and the car slid a bit off the road. I’m scared but everyone else thought it was fun and were squealing with excitement and laughter. One of the car’s tires got stuck in some mud. I gunned the car and it didn’t move. I am freaking out inside, but try not to show it. Now everyone else is, too. The little girls are screaming that they want to go home and they are cold. So I gun it again and thankfully, am able pull the car back out onto the street. I drive the car down to the end of the hill, turn around and head back up to our house. I pulled in the driveway and was very careful to park Dad’s car in the exact place where it had been. Then we all get out with excitement and full of exhilaration at what we just did and run into the warm house with everyone exclaiming how much fun it was. Everyone promised not to tell you.” I look at Mom and Dad. “And I guess no one did.” I look into Mom’s face, “And you and Dad never knew or suspected that we did that?”

Mother exclaims, “No and I don’t believe that you did. You were too mindful and good. You were the most obedient child. You never would have done something like that and I don’t believe that you did. You are just making this up to shock us. You were too good and responsible. You never would have done something like that!”

My sisters chime in. “Well, we did it!” It happened!”

Dad says, “Well son of a bitch! No! We sure didn’t know!” He laughs, “You little devils! You are all grounded!”

And everyone laughed.

My awareness is that as a child, my mother always told me how bad I am and how I ruined everything. Now, when I confessed to something I did that was dangerous, irresponsible and bad, she didn’t believe me. Even said, I was making it up because I was too good and responsible. I was stunned, talk about confusing and conflicting messages.

Then I have awareness and understand how much both my parent’s relied on me and had confidence in me. And I fulfilled what they expected of me on most every occasion. Therefore, when I confessed to a time that I didn’t do as they expected, Mother didn’t believe it.

The truth is that I was most always overly good and responsible. And Mother never told me or thanked me when I was being so. She just expected it of me. Thinking back to this makes me angry until I understand that because of my Mother’s issues, I had to be just as I was, responsible and good. I was placed to be so.

But still it felt crazy and confusing and made me feel conflicted inside to hear my mother state that she did not believe it when I was confessing something bad that I did. It also made me realize just as I had thought that I was a kind, caring, good and an overly responsible child. I am proud that I was so, even though it wasn’t fair that I carry such burden and responsibility as a child. Only doing so taught me much and prepared me for life.

To purchase print, e-book or to schedule a consultation – click below…

 


Books by Ayn



Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

Image result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun Shooting At Logs In A Pond…

Adult

I am divorced and living in my house alone. I loved being alone in my house. But one night, late at night, while in bed I heard the fence gate at the side of the house squeak open. I jumped up and looked out the side windows of the house. I heard more noises. As I turned on the outside lights to the side of the yard, I dialed 911. I went back into my bedroom, closed the door and kept the 911 operator on the phone until the police arrived.

The police looked all over. No door or window was tampered with but when they came in from the back yard, they told me that the gate to the right of the house was open. There were footsteps on the side yard and in my backyard. They said that when I turned the outside lights on, it must have scared whoever it was away. I was freaked out. So I turned on all the outside lights to flood the yard and kept them on the rest of the night. The policemen inquired if I had a gun for protection.  My answer was no. The police patrolled and watched my street and neighborhood for the rest of that night.

The next day, I called Dad to tell him what had occurred.

Dad said, “I’m going to pick you up. We are going to the ranch. You need to learn how to shoot a gun for your protection.”

At our ranch, Dad drove the truck far out to a back pond where he showed me how to load and to shoot a gun. I practiced by aiming and shooting at logs in the pond. It was so fun! I found that I was a good shot. Dad was impressed.  I loved practicing so much that I wore my dad out. I didn’t want to stop. Dad sat in the truck while I stood nearby, shooting at log after log. Dad did place some beer cans on tree stumps for me to also practice on. But my favorite was to shoot the logs in the pond. I was able to hit my mark most every time.

I noticed that Dad looked at me in pride as I was having fun practicing my aim. Dad and I could have such a good time, just the two of us. We had much in common. We enjoyed learning, striving to master skills and new adventures. I loved the tomboy side of me and so did Dad.

Driving across our land back to the ranch house, “Well Tiger, from the looks of it, I’d say that you could hit someone dead on if they were coming at you. The best strategy is, if you hear someone in your house – get your gun, cock it, get down behind your bed, face and aim at the bedroom door. If you see someone at your door, shoot them in the legs. Immediately after, shoot them in the torso. Shoot to kill. If they are in your house and in your bedroom, they are there to hurt you, so hurt them first.

“But Dad, I don’t know if I could really shoot at someone to hurt them – to kill them?”

“Hell Tiger, are you kidding? If someone is in your house and entering your bedroom, you shoot to kill. Do you hear me? It’s either you or them by that point! And of course, call 911! But don’t be weak and let someone get too close to you, so they can overpower you. You hear me? Shoot to kill!”

“Yes Dad, I understand.”

“Here keep this gun, it’s yours. Keep it beside your bed.”

I respond, “Okay. Thank you.”

Dad continues, “When we get back to the house, I will give you more ammunition for it. Keep it loaded, but with the safety on.”

Dad spent time at length teaching and watching me load and unload the gun, taking the safety off and putting it on. I loved learning. Dad had many guns of all types both at our in town residence and at our ranch.  Knowing how and being able to shoot a gun, when and if I ever needed to protect myself gave me a secure feeling.

That is part of what a Dad does, teaches you to protect yourself physically. Thank you Dad!

Emotionally, Dad taught me some about how to protect myself butImage result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun also left me open to be taken advantage of and to be overpowered. He didn’t do this intentionally. He did it unknowingly. His way of relating to me taught me that I was above most others in the world, but not good enough for him which served to confuse and fracture me internally. At times, I felt better than others then my self-esteem would crash and I felt like I was not good enough.

When you don’t feel good enough and not equal to others, you can flip from feeling better than others to not feeling good enough. This means you are not in balance and not feeling ‘equal to’. It creates up and downs and insecurity at times, then over valuation at others – which is an imbalance in the belief system that leaves a person fractured internally. While they may appear outwardly arrogant at times, they feel weak and insecure at others. This is done to compensate for not feeling equal to others. And this is how my dad related and what he created in me.

Had he been aware, he would have taught me to protect myself emotionally as vigorously as he had taught me to protect myself physically. But did he really and fully know how to do this? He was passing down to me the way that he internally coped and it became imprinted – until I became aware that I am equal to all others, not better than or less than but equal to.

Available now in soft cover and e-book:  Concerning e-book – let me know which application –  e-pub or Mobi for Kindle.

For consulting appointment –  you will need to leave contact info – so we can arrange time.


Books by Ayn



Responsibility…

Definition of responsibility – the quality or state of being responsible: such as moral, legal or mental accountability reliabilitytrustworthiness:  something for which one is responsible. To be responsible is to respond, to honor, to be trustworthy – to live to a higher standard.

 Responsibility is an important key to living a moral, happy, content and peaceful life – to be responsible makes for a productive and fulfilling life. When there is awareness then it’s time for responsibility which includes accountability to understand and to either accept, change or break against. Otherwise, you will be stuck and blocked in blame, denial and defensiveness which lead to more of the same. Everyone has issues and trauma in their lives in some form and to continue to use them as an excuse for lack of responsibility and accountability is immaturity. When you know why you behave in a way or think as you do that creates stress and pain in yourself and others and you don’t change it – that is being irresponsible.          

Those without responsibility to self and to others live a lost life. All of us are accountable and there are consequences in life for lack of responsibility and accountability. If you don’t pay your car payment, it will be repossessed. If you don’t pay your utility bills, they will be turned off. If a man is not responsible to and for his wife and her to him – best if done in equal parts – the marriage will fail.

I was overly responsible in my marriages and it lead to destruction. When one person shoulders all the responsibility in a partnership or relationship – the burden becomes too much – balance is impaired and weakness seeps in. Sure at times, one may need to shoulder more responsibly because of circumstances. If you aren’t responsible to your children, family and live a responsible life – it will all fall apart – they will leave – become unruly with a sense of lack, direction and ultimately failure.

Everything worthwhile and of value in life comes from commitment and responsibility to that commitment. And that includes healing of your emotional self. Fears and limits set by imprints and beliefs are often illusions. It’s your responsibility to self to shift in order to live your highest life.

The best things in life are not things…

The best things in life are moments filled with feelings, emotions, sensations of being alive, the touch, the smile of someone you love, the embrace, the kiss, the hug. the warmth of someone you love.  The feel of the sun on your face. The cool wind on your skin. The sun glistening in the trees. The sound of music. The taste of your favorite food. The best things in life are feelings and emotions triggered by people and experiences that create wonderful memories. The best thing in life is to feel and experience our senses. The best thing in life is communication. God’s gift of being on earth is to experience love and joy… the real connection to self, to others and to the source… our maker.

Sure ‘things’ are part of living on earth, but they are not the reason… they are only to enhance, to give to others, and to make our life easier, and perhaps, fun. Things are tools. Things are sofas to sit on, utensils to eat with.

I once went on a date with a man who loved expensive cars and owned many. On our first date, we had fun, he was attentive. We had a great conversation and dinner at a nice restaurant. I think he was driving a Mercedes that evening, but I didn’t care. I thought him a nice man. On our second date, he arrived in a Ferrari. It was pretty… but I have ridden in and owned many great cars. A car is a car. A car is fun to drive. A car gets you from place to place, but it is a thing.  I was chatting as he drove down the tollway to our destination. He did not respond to me, but instead, stared straight at the rode.  I thought …’Umm this is bizarre’. He was not the friendly talkative man of our first date.

Turning into the parking lot of the restaurant,  another car turned too close to him and he sparked into anger with a comment to match. He parked his Ferrari  in a distant parking place to make certain no one could ding it.  At dinner, he kept looking out at his car, since we were by the window with view of it.

After dinner, on our way to the movie, he was overly focused on his driving and was not talkative. So, I inquired. “Are you okay?  You seem preoccupied?” To which he snapped, when I drive this car, I focus on my driving. It’s my baby. It’s worth thus and so. It’s an investment. I only take it out occasionally.

I responded. “So, why did you drive it tonight, to impress me?”

He, “Sure, did. And I did, didn’t I?  I knew you would look great in this car.”

Me, “Actually no. It’s a nice car. But it’s our second date and your focus is on the car and not me. I would rather your attention have been on me, on our getting to know one another, instead of a car,or how I look in your car.”

He, ” Well, well, well…ummm, I thought you would like riding in a Ferrari.”

Me, “We had a great first date. I thought you nice and interesting. I have been in a Ferrari before, in fact, several times.. They are nice cars, but your attention is on it, not me, or us getting to know one another. So, why don’t you and your car continue the date and take me home.”

He, “But I like you. I really like you. You are beautiful, smart and fun.”

Me, “But your attention tonight is on your car. So please take me home and be with your car.”

He asked me out several times after that evening and I declined. This self-centered materialistic man was shocked by my response concerning his ‘car’. He had no idea how to impress much less connect with a woman like me, or really any woman, unless she’s a gold digger and as materialistic a woman as he is a man. And did this fool think so little of women that he thought he could ‘buy’ or ‘lure’ me into liking him with his ‘things’.  How little he must think of himself.

As I stated previously, cars are fun, but people are what matter most.  When people put things before people, they have a distortion in their spirit, soul and, of course, their life. This man showed me early on that ‘his things’ matter more than interacting with me and in his distorted mind, he thought I would like him, or be impressed with a car so much that I would, what? Like him for and because of his car… Ha! His things defined him. He’s fractured with no real inner core. It’s like people such as this are anchored to a reality defined by their ‘things’… instead of their internal core. People such as this often view people as things and treat them as such… as in the trophy wife… and that is how I felt with him. He liked me because he liked the way I looked in his car. He gave no value to who I am inside only that my exterior fit with his  false and fake ‘image’ of self. His concern wasn’t with me, my feelings, my emotions, or getting to really know me… but to show his car off to me. And therefore, show his car and me, off to others… as in ‘his image’ was what was important to him. His image as it related to ‘things’.

It’s one ‘thing’ to enjoy things…quite another to place them where people ought be in  your life.

His placement of value was seriously misplaced.  I never saw him again and he didn’t understand why. Later, I interacted with some people who knew him, actually who had worked for him. (Funny how that happens.) I learned that even though successful,  he was the worst boss they had ever had and one man quit his job because of him. This man of ‘things’ lives in a house worth millions, gated and well-guarded. Has a garage full of expensive, collectible cars and lives alone. He was married once years ago. She had an affair and left him. (He told me this on our first date and poor him, he was so hurt when she did that and he didn’t understand why she did.) He is a hard-hearted money grubbing executive, no one could stand working with, or, for him. He retired early and is alone with his things.  Who knows what happened to make this man so inhuman, fractured, unfeeling and cold. What happened to him that he has no self worth, unless it is connected to money and things? And he’s so far gone now, no one could/would care, except a woman just like him or a gold-digger. But he wouldn’t really share his things with her. He’s too selfish  and self-centered. 

I enjoy things, pretty furniture, antiques, art, jewelry, clothes and yes, cars, too. But nothing comes before people and certainly not before someone I love.

Things are to enhance life, not to replace people, or to become a life.

 

 

Negative People….

negative5Remaining positive in a tough situation can be difficult, but the outlook you choose can affect every aspect of life. Positive and negative people have very different attitudes, thoughts and ways of dealing with their circumstances.

To keep negative energy out of your life, be aware of these common traits of negative people… not all negative people will have all these traits but they will have many of them.  You will see a trend in their way of looking at and dealing with the world.

Negative people kill the souls of others, destroy the happiness in life, and definitely ruin fun times. Destroyers of  hope and joy… they are full of fear, insecurity  and become defensive when called out on their behavior. They will tend to project it back onto the one calling them out. They dodge responsibility. They have been damaged in their past and refuse either out of denial, fear or ignorance to look at themselves, their mind set, and from where it derives.

Block their negativity from your life. Block their trying to kill your happiness and joy. Some of these people seep into your life unnoticed, under the guise of ‘caring’ and ‘friendship’ … but what their motives are is to suck off your life energy for as long as you will allow them to… then when you need some energy from them, they either give it half-baked, while even making you feel worse in their subtle way of negativity, are not there for you at all or you will end up feeling worse than you would have were they not there at all.

If allowed they can and will bring you into  the abynegative4ss of their negativity.  Misery loves company. They are not genuinely happy so they can’t be supportive or genuinely happy for others. They may utter supportive words, at times, but if you listen with your gut, instead of your ears, their words will not feel sincere.  Even the words ‘ I love you’ will feel empty and some can utter that phrase as easily as saying thank you… which is a sure sign of insincerity.

Negative People are Afraid of Change –  Negative people tend to fear change. Even if they aren’t happy with their current circumstances, instead of thinking “things could get better,” they believe that change is always for the worst. They are too afraid of losing what they have to let it go so that they can gain more. So they may stay in stagnant or  bad situations because they are afraid of change while they complain all the time about their situation.

A positive person welcomes change and is always open to new experiences.

Negative People Aren’t Grateful – Negative people are so focused on the negative that they are blinded to the positive things that surround them. They don’t show gratitude toward their friends or family members, and they take their blessings —  like their job, home and health — for granted.

Positive people recognize their blessings and show gratitude for what they have.

Negative People Don’t Sincerely or Genuinely Care About Others – Negative people aren’t concerned with hurting anyone’s feelings. They are too focused on themselves to worry about someone else, even the people that care about them. If the conversation isn’t focused on them, there’s no real interest. negative

A positive person is always open to making new friends, and they enjoy making others happy.

 Negative People Blame Others for Their Mistakes – A negative person doesn’t like to admit when they’re wrong. Even when it’s clear that they’ve made a mistake, a negative person will blame others for something that is really their fault. They will not apologize, or if they do it will feel insincere. Some cry at the drop of a hat to get them out of responsibility or to make others feel sorry for them. Negative people enjoy playing the martyr.

A positive person takes responsibility for mistakes and failures.

negative3Negative People Believe the World Revolves Around Them – A negative person believes that the world owes them something. They think that if they’re having a bad day, which is more often than not, everyone else should cater to them. They let their negative feelings and poor attitude drive them on a daily basis. They are self-absorbed.

A positive person is able to put the needs of others before his or her own.

 Negative People Don’t Apologize – “I’m sorry” is a phrase that negative people avoid even dread. They see apologizing as a weakness. It means admitting that they were wrong. While a positive person is quick to apologize for hurting others, a negative person will do almost anything to avoid an apology even cry to illicit pity for themselves… oh poor pitiful them.

A positive person is able to admit when they’re wrong and apologize sincerely.

 Negative People Focus on Personal Gain – Negative people are willing to step on everyone around them if it boosts their success. They are concerned with their own personal gain and will do anything that benefits them, despite who it hurts in the process.

A positive person would never put someone else down in order to get ahead.

Negative People Enjoy Seeing Others Fail – Negative people don’t root for anyone, even if it’s a family member or a friend. When someone else experiences success, a negative person becomes jealous and bitter. They may give lip service to another’s good but they really don’t feel it… what they feel is envy.

A positive person is sincerely happy to see others succeed.

Negative People Can’t Accept Constructive Criticism – Constructive criticism can be hard to take, but it’s often necessary in order to learn and grow. A negative person hates to be criticized. Even if someone is trying to help them, they become closed off and they see criticism as a threat.

A positive person welcomes constructive criticism, seeing it as a learning opportunity.

Negative People Think They Know Everything – A negative person sees learning something new as a sign of weakness. They like to act like they are already an expert in every subject, instead of taking the time to truly expand their knowledge.

A positive person always strives to learn something new.

negative2Negative People Aren’t Compassionate – A negative person will never be a shoulder to cry on. If friends or family members ask for help, a negative person won’t be able to cheer them up. They’ll likely point out even more negatives in a situation or start talking about their own sorry life and issues.  A negative person will never be a soft place to fall.

A positive person is able and willing to cheer someone up when they’re feeling down.

Negative People Aren’t Willing to Work for Change – Negative people aren’t happy with their situation, but they also aren’t willing to work to change anything. A positive person knows they have to work for what they want, while a negative person would rather sit around and mope than put in any effort.

A positive person sets goals and works hard to achieve them.

Negative people are usually immature and insecure.

I have a ‘friend’ that would often comment to me that just being around me makes them feel happier and that I calm them.  That they like my energy.  They would also say that they don’t have any friends.  I usually felt drained and stressed after being around them. I tried to be a good friend… I would invite them to dinner, cook a nice meal because according to them they have such a stressful busy life with job and family. They whined all the time about all the stress in their life.

Then it was my time to need some extra attention. And when it was, they were an hour late, came in stressed and dithered. I immediately felt the usual stress energy around and coming from them  and it made me feel worse and this was when I needed to feel nurtured and calm. They talked about themselves, how stressed and  hurried they were to get to my house. They drank almost a whole bottle of wine while yammering on and did things I did not want nor ask them to do.  What they decided to do what more important than what I needed. Their concern was that they take a bath… while I was feeling neglected and that they were being put upon. I detested being around them so I came into myself and calmed myself down that night.

negative6The next day, I addressed how their behaviors made me feel… and they whined that they went out of their way for me even saying that I made them cry. It was a pathetic display… but showed me clearly what needed to be revealed.

My eyes were opened. This person is too negative and consumed with self to  clearly see me, help, me, genuinely care for me, be a shoulder for me,  because when I asked for and  needed nurturing and solid energy, they had none to give… they made it all about their self.

I, therefore, honored myself and my ability to stay centered and to calm and nurture myself… with God’s grace and help. I pulled forever away from this person,  keeping them at arm’s length as an acquaintance, never to have expectations of reciprocation…  nor need of it… as they have not the ability.  Lesson learned…

There are positive and negative energies on this planet. It’s what keeps it afloat, rocking and rolling along… all of us will have negative people, things and experiences in our lifetime. It’s how we address them that either brings us back to center and to be mostly positive or keeps us captured in the evil throes of negativity.  It’s our choice which energy that drives us. I choose the positive … the positive light of God. I choose joy!

“In optimism there is magic. In pessimism there is nothing.”
Look to the left and click to follow…