To feel loved and to be loved, there must be intimacy. I am not talking sex, I am talking intimacy. Sex can be an expression of intimacy and when there is real intimacy, sex is usually fulfilling, even great, leading to the kind of sex where you look deep into one another’s eyes and that takes you to a place out of this world.
‘Playboys and girls’ confuse sex with intimacy because they are emotionally fearful and insecure. Therefore, they ‘play’ at it.. nothing is real, or for keeps.
Intimacy can be scary. No matter how much we say we want it, most of us are really terrified of getting close to another
We’re afraid to be seen for who we really are – especially the parts we don’t like about ourselves.
And some of us have so many parts that we don’t like, we spend most of our energy trying to keep those parts hidden – not just from others, but from ourselves, too.
But if you are hiding a part of yourself, how can anyone get to know you enough to really love you? They can’t. You can’t be intimate and love, or be loved because you are too focused on hiding who you are. Therefore, you won’t feel loved and neither will those around you.
One definition of Intimacy: familiarity: close or warm friendship; “the absence of fences created a mysterious intimacy in which no one knew privacy.”
If you have too many fences, you won’t be able to feel, or to be intimate. That mysterious intimacy that leads to fulfillment will be null and void.
The self-imposed need to be ‘perfect’ can block intimacy. As a woman, if you think that you need to look perfect all the time, be at a certain weight and have on the perfect outfit…intimacy takes a back seat.
As a man, if you think that you need to earn a certain amount of money, have the right job, and know almost everything, then intimacy will take a back seat. Overly focused on image and intimacy is diminished… that master of the universe persona to impress, actually distances. Many times, overly focused on business, or sports, TV, or games is to avoid feelings… to avoid intimacy.
Often times, when intimacy is shared, an insecure person will sabotage it by anger, distancing, avoidance, or by pulling rank…. they feel too close for comfort, so they must either consciously or subconsciously do something to alleviate that ‘too close for comfort’ feeling…while it’s what they really desire…one step forward and three steps back.
It takes an internally secure person to be truly intimate with another, to be able to risk, share insecurities, and to express when and where they feel down and inadequate.
Intimacy is developed over time. I am not talking here about emotionally throwing up too often, or too soon especially when you first meet. To do this is needy and shows an emotional instability… But sometimes, a couple just clicks and they are able to talk deeply…then again, if too much is revealed, it can cause embarrassment at a later date. Vulnerability is like undressing emotionally. Therefore, to develop intimacy over time is the wisest.
Also, as intimacy is shared it is wise not to use revealed vulnerabilities to hurt, or in anger. To do so, obviously will shut down intimacy. Protect and cherish, as private and sacred, vulnerabilities shared, this will create a more sacred intimacy and that is what we all deeply long for, admit it or not.
We have been conditioned to think that romance must be ‘perfect’ when in reality romance and love are imperfect. And in that imperfection it becomes perfect.
We come together in romantic love for the purpose of growth, healing, intimacy and companionship… which leads to security, peace and a kind of a wonderful joy at being loved for who you are. If you can’t do that for another, how can someone do that for you? If you can’t do that for yourself, how can you do it for another?
To love and be intimate with another, is to reveal who you really are, and to be and feel loved for the sincerity of self and when you give and accept that in a relationship, you will feel loved.
If you aren’t able to love yourself, warts and all, will you be able to love another warts and all? We all have warts….no matter how hard we push them away and try to hide them, we all have them!
If you can’t love and accept yourself, how can you love and accept another and be truly intimate?
Intimacy is the key to love, the key to feeling loved and the key to bonding between two people. It’s the ability to look deeply into yourself with acceptance then deeply into the eyes of another in acceptance.
The ability to accept those things that you don’t like about yourself (doesn’t mean that you don’t work to improve yourself) and the things that you might have shame, or remorse about can be revealed and you feel accepted with the right person. Acceptance of those things in others and self leads to intimacy and real love.
Do you accept yourself warts and all? Can you accept another warts and all?
Are you secure enough in yourself to be intimate?
Have you ever thought about what intimacy is?
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