by Ann

I met her in an art gallery, years ago, to discover we’re from the same town. We went to upper-class rival schools and belonged to the same country club. I was the serious, ballet, student type. She a social club, smoker, drinker, hangs with the ‘cool’ kids type.  So, back then, our paths never crossed. 


She was overly thin with long, blond hair and wore jeans with lots of jewelry in an effort to show her ‘wealth’. I only noticed her because she flaunted what she was buying. At first glance, I thought she appeared phony. A couple of pieces of good jewelry are all a ‘real’ lady wears. But, we liked the same art and began a friendship on the commonalities of being from the same city and now living here.


She’s divorcing a doctor and dating a man that she eventually marries. She has two children and he has many. His divorce and bad business deals, once wealthy, leaves him, bankrupt. She has a couple of million from her divorce. I’m newly married living in a large house in a posh area.


We lunch, shop, talk about life, money, and men. Discovering my husband is controlling and abusive, I divorce.

My friend, her husband, and I attend black tie and social events together. They become a part of my comfort that a good relationship is possible in my future. He like a brother to me with a blond on one arm and a brunette on the other. They smoke and drink lots.  I’ve never smoked and only occasionally drink wine or champagne. I spend holidays with them enjoying what I ‘think’ is a contented family. She begins to over indulge in food and liquor. I work out, and take classes to focus on myself and try to understand why my life isn’t going as I planned, which is to be in a healthy, fulfilled relationship.

While I pinch pennies, she flaunts her husband’s success as she shops and puts on pounds. Then one night under the influence of a bottle of wine, she complains about how he’s going through her money and the many issues with his children and his ex. The mother of his kids is apparently crazy and the kids are of that lineage. Meanwhile, I date many, but as soon, as I see some dysfunction, I bolt. 

One hot summer evening, my doorbell rings. It’s my friend’s husband who just happens to be in my area, while she is out of town.  He’s been drinking and wants to take a swim. Outside, in the dark, I sit by the pool averting my eyes as he peels off his clothing and swims nude. “Hey, take a swim with me?”, he insists.
“No thanks.” I uncomfortably respond.


He swims to the side of the pool places his arms on the edge. “I bet you’re a good kisser?”

‘What?’ I think, but say stunned. “Um, I guess, I can be. It’s been awhile.”

He goes on. “You’re great looking. I’m really attracted to you.”

I answer dumb founded. “Thanks but…”


He then jumps out of the pool, wraps a towel around his waist, and pounces spider-like quickly, to kiss my cheek then my neck. I freeze in disbelief, with the certain knowing, that this man has done this before and probably allot.  He sits beside me kissing my neck. “You are beautiful and God, your body is so great.”

I jump up and push him away. “What about Maggie?” I walk into my house. “Please, leave!” He follows.  “Yes, okay.” He exits to a bathroom. Walks out dressed then quickly down the hallway to the front door, it closes. I take a deep breath and begin to cry.


As life goes on, Maggie alternately brags about his successes, how they’re soul mates then complains about his drinking, taking care of his children, and money woes. I listen, but say nothing in my knowing.  She gains more weight.

I keep fit, date, am a bit lonely, but hold true to myself and what I want, which is to heal so that I will recognize dysfunction and attract a healthy relationship. She’s always late when we meet. I call her. She doesn’t answer the phone or call me back. Then suddenly, she resurfaces. We lunch. She stuffs food into her swollen body and shops buying everything in sight. I eat lightly and don’t waste my money.


Then one day, she’s late for lunch and no apology. She overeats, saying. “I’ve got to get this weight off. I also want to get my eyes done, but no money to do it.” We ride to a discount shop in her car that smells of cigarette smoke. “Smoking, is aging Maggie.  Stop smoking and maybe, you won’t worry about your eyes.” She laughs arrogantly. “All the really wealthy, international people smoke. Maybe, that’s why you weren’t in with the popular, wealthy kids in high school.” Now, I’ve had it, so respond. “Smoking is disgusting and has nothing to do with wealth or class and who cares about high school. We’re middle-aged.” She slams back, “Well, all the international people smoke.”


I am feeling total disgust as I look over at her. This woman is married to a man who’s gone through all her money. So now, she’s dependant on him. They live on credit cards. She takes care of his kids and talks about them all the time. I guess to prove to herself her value. If she is talking about and caring for kids, she will have less time to worry about  herself and what she has gotten herself in. She’s more overweight and with more wrinkles appearing, each time, I see her, add to that a double chin. All this on a woman, who spends hours putting on make-up and frets about her appearance and who wears what and who buys what and who’s who and on and on.

Had I been of low morals, her husband would have had an affair with me. I chuckle to myself. And now, this woman is trying to put me down for not smoking. My family is one of the most successful in the town that we once lived in and hers? Well, she likes to pretend that she is from great wealth or some such. And she didn’t even know me in high school. So, what she is saying about me is her fantasy.


As we shop, I watch, as she scours the bargains, hungrily filling her basket with faux jewels that she doesn’t need, because she has real ones from her grandmother. Or are they real?


On this day, I see my friend with fresh eyes, or are they the same eyes, that were accurate, when I first saw her and thought her phoney? She’s everything, I’m not, and would never want to be. Who she is, shows me, all that I am. I like me. I don’t like being with her, don’t like me when I am with her and have nothing more to say.


Back in the car, she blabs “Men don’t look at a middle-aged women.”

“Really, I date all the time and men at aerobics,  younger than me, come onto to me.”

“Well, they’re not really after you.”

“Oh then, what are they after?” (Might this be projection on her part?)

Here this woman who went from one marriage to another, has never been alone or dated or … and she puts me down for taking care of myself and not settling. Then in the next breath states because of my age that no man is interested.


In her pouting silence, I think to myself, ‘Goodbye, ‘friend’, I’ll leave you to the international, wealthy smokers. I’m tired of your smokecreen!’


Can anyone relate – keeping a friend too long that tries to make you feel bad about yourself? Then you wake-up and realize…



Conversation With A Man In The World of Dating – Part One


(For the sake of anonymity, the MAN’S image has been distorted)

MAN – It’s a well-known fact that men think about sex every 15 seconds or something like that? So, a guy is thinking about it pretty much all the time.


ANN – Of course, I’ve heard that.


MAN – Therefore, some men say whatever comes to mind, fishing to see what it will take to make a woman take the bait. That’s why some say such stupid, even crass things. It’s just marketing tactics and some men are better at it than others, or might I say, smoother. But, we all do it in some form, say something, anything, or try to get close, go for a kiss to see how she will react.


ANN – Men are always and continually testing the water even before any affection has been established?


MAN – Men, as you know, can have sex without affection.  And some will say or do anything to get to the sex, even, “I love you.” Myself, I would not be untruthful or manipulate. I have several daughters and told them that all boys are after is sex. I told them, no matter how sweet or nice the boys are to you, and it doesn’t mean that they don’t like you, but their goal is sex. I would make sure to demonstrate to the boys calling on my daughters how protective I am of them.

ANN – All women are  someone’s daughters, ever think of that?


MAN – ummm…

ANN – So, other attributes of a woman are not seen and recognized as important…her kindness, insights or intellect?


MAN –They are seen, but the sex is what a man is after.


ANN – So, if a woman has sex with a man on the first few dates before any real connection is established, will the man care for her more than if she didn’t have sex?


MAN – Depends on if the sex is good or not. (laugh)

ANN – Geez! And if sex is bad, according to him that is. She has just given an intimate sampling of herself to someone that doesn’t care about her. Actually, she was used for his masturbation. It appears to me like some men and women are just using each other as masturbation tools. If there is no affection, little interaction, and respect and trust hasn’t been established before sex occurs, what is it other than mutual masturbation?


MAN – Some women can have sex with a man without attachment, the same as a man. In college, a friend told me that he was going to stop the wining and dining and just jump to the question. “Do you want to cut to the chase and ‘F…’?” He said that more than half the women took him up on it.

ANN – Sad commentary, as what was that other than mutual masturbation?


MAN –Okay. But it shows some women are like men in this area.


ANN – I have been deeply in love and when you have and know the incredible profound connection of what sex is, you don’t want or have the need to diminish it in this manner.


MAN – Well, agree. I said my friend did this, not me.

ANN – So what, is this deal with the third date being the charm? Many men seem to think that the third date is when sex is ‘supposed’ to happen.


MAN – I think some women believe that if they have sex on the first date that the men will think that she is a slut. And by the third date that it is okay.


ANN – Oh, I see. But in the first three dates, how well can people really know one another? I would think that having sex then, would be premature. How about the concept of having sex when it just feels right and in the timing for both….that after time spent together and affection grows that it feels right to get that close to another human being?


MAN – Agree. That is probably best.


ANN – Would you stop dating a woman that you liked if she wasn’t ready to have sex on or soon after the third date…that she wanted to wait until she got to know you and felt cared for and safe? And who knows when this will occur…


MAN – If I really liked her, it wouldn’t matter. But at some point, sex either occurs or you stop dating.


ANN – Well, sure. You need to feel that attraction and excitement. And when that excitement builds, it cannot only be fun, but great, in fact incredible!


MAN – Men are focused on the finishing line. 

ANN – Like some deal that they are closing.  Pursue her, have sex. Done! Goal Scored! Sex is as close as two people can get on the physical. It is a body, mind, spiritual connection. Why would you want to get that close to someone that you didn’t know well and didn’t share a great affection for?


Man – Agree. But most men are made differently and most don’t think this way. If they can get it, they will take it.


ANN – Sex isn’t something that you ‘get’. It’s something that you give. Look at the respective anatomy, a man gives to a woman and she receives. A man injects his emotions and who that he is into a woman. It is work for a woman to get into her feelings and to process all this. Unless, she can cut herself off from her emotions and be like a man. But why really would a woman want to do this – lose herself to become ‘manlike’?


MAN – Some do. But I can see what you are talking about.

ANN – It’s been documented that a man lives longer and happier with a woman in his life and a woman is happier and lives longer without a man. And this is much more to do with the many things that the feminine does for a man, not just the sex, don’t you think?

MAN – Definitely, a man likes the security of coming home or being at home with a woman and family that cares for him. Where he can be himself and relax.
ANN – And feel the woman’s nurturing spirit?
Of course, women have these needs also, but is usually doing most of the nurturing so it is more work on her part.

MAN – Yes, for sure.

ANN – If you met a woman  that you liked and knew that she was promiscuious, had sex with many men and could operate in this area like a man. Would you be hesitant or want a relationship with her?

MAN – (long pause) I – I wouldn’t like it. I wouldn’t want to think about it. It would make me wonder…I – I am not sure.

ANN – Do you think that most men would answer similarly to you?

MAN – (ponders) Some – most – not sure.

ANN –  I have met so many men who complain that their ex-wives weren’t into sex. That they just didn’t like it. I always wonder, hearing this, if the man has something to do with her not liking it?  I am very sexual and need that in a relationship. Yet, I have been in situations where a man turned me off so much that he probably ‘thought’ that I didn’t like sex when it was him, his words, or his behaviors that were the turn off.


MAN – There are women and some men, too, that aren’t that into sex.

ANN – Of course. But if a woman feels, safe, respected and valued, it gives her the space to bloom and when she does, she will shower the man with all that is her and that includes affection, sensuality and sexuality. And this doesn’t happen in one to three dates. It develops over time.

MAN – Sounds good to me.




The Needy Penis Award

More and more men these days are being revealed as having a NEEDY PENIS… 

DEFINITION OF NEEDY PENIS COMPLEX – Men that are NEEDY in their emotions, self-esteem, sexuality, are narcissitic, have little to no ablility to look at their issues, and project issues and problems onto others. They lie and betray, in order, to get their needy penis some attention. They may appear strong and self-assured, but are the exact opposite under their facade. They may and usually do have an accomplished, attractive, even beautiful wife or girlfriend, who may have no idea what this NEEDY PENIS is doing behind her back. Men with this complex often lead several different lives and are adept at lying and covering up.

Many  have a  ‘MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE COMPLEX’ in conjunction with the NEEDY PENIS COMPLEX – thinking because they have money and power that that they can do whatever that they want in life and get away with it. They often act in ways that eventually destroy everything good in their lives. They destroy  families, loved ones, career, and a ‘good’ reputation – even if it was a false one.

Similar traits are: they first lie and believe that they are believed in their lies. They are self-delusional. Only eventually, because of pressure and facts contrary to their lies, they will admit  the truth and apologize. Usually, stating in a pathetic manner, that they will get help.  Oh poor NEEDY PENIS, now caught, feels so bad for their choices.  RIGHT! They just feel bad that they have been caught and revealed as what they really are.  

Most recent NEEDY PENIS AWARD RECEPITANTS:  Al Gore – John Edwards – Tiger Woods – Jesse James, Mel Gibson …

Past NEEDY PENIS AWARD RECEPITIANTS:  Bill Clinton – the man that decided that oral sex wasn’t sex at all… YEAH RIGHT!
and in his cover-up actually stated, “It depends on what  the meaning of IS — is.”  Then there is Jim Bakker…
Help me to fill out the lists here… Think back and add your Needy Penis recipitants to the list, both past and present, and as you do think of how they presented themselves before they were found out.
Look at and evaluate the traits that they have in common and otherwise. Ask yourself, if they can do whatever it is that they desire to fill their NEEDY PENIS COMPLEX, whatelse is a lie about them? And whatelse are they capable of doing and would they lie about to get whatever it is that they want and need to fill up their empty self-esteem?
They may be capable of  STICKING it to everyone who is in their life or anyone that they meet and may have the ability to betray us all.

Become aware of the traits of both these complexes, So, that you may be more astute and avoid interacting, trusting, or having relationships with these characters. Because chances are that they will NOT change or become more self-aware, stop lying, or fill their emotional needs on their own to become a healthy, giving, honest human man.

Sure, you want to give them the benefit of the doubt as that is what the feminine does. This is the expressoin of some of our prominent traits … compassion, empathy, caring and understanding. And the Needy Penis knows and counts on this in the feminine.

 I was once married to a Needy Penis and in my experience, they rarely, if ever, change.

And having written this, of course, there are many men who are great and don’t have these issues. What this is about, are those men who so obviously do, and how they have conned the women in their lives and the public.