Category Archives: Inspirational/Spiritual

Boasting, bragging, nosy, controlling people…

Blowhard : someone who always brags or boasts about himself. He is also a braggart, bragger,  vaunter, etc. Blowhard is an informal word describing someone who can’t stop talking about themselves or their accomplishments either real or imagined.

Just recently, I interacted with one of the biggest braggers I have encountered. I met her online. She approached me – concerning my book.  She thinks she knows everything about everything. She asks intrusive, nosy and rude questions and if you don’t answer them , she gets offended that you don’t give her all the info she seeks. She talks about money all the time – what car she drives –  how big her house is – if you mention any topic, she knows more about it than you or anyone else does – and all her ‘friends’ or associates are ‘experts’ in their fields and according to her – ‘know more about anything than anyone else’. Her children are the most accomplished and her husband the best husband in the world – HA! As she continued her BS – I realized that she knows little to nothing about much. She refers to everyone as her ‘besties’ – including me and I just met her – never met her in person and have no desire to do so. She uses emoji’s like some child – like 10 of them with every post or text. Always trying to draw attention to herself. She hides behind the mantel of being a Christian – when her behavior is any and everything but. I tried to give her the benefit of my doubt but my first instincts were correct – so I cut my interaction off with her – but not fast enough. She is a people collector – a sucker of energy. A vampire – searching for prey. 

A person who brags, is a person who seeks external validation since the individual cannot self-validate. The individual doesn’t find or have the inner resources to validate himself. Bragging and boasting implies an inferiority complex.

Braggadocious people are usually also controlling – they want to control the conversation and make it and everything else all about them – what they own – what they do – who they know – what they know – how much money they have. They try to control the conversation in order to get information about you or others.  They ask intrusive nosy questions to find out where they can suck, take, or use against you. Nosy in order to glean information for them to use against you or to put you down when they need another boost for their fragile insecure ego. They will eventually use your vulnerabilities against you in some form or another – even if it’s only to feel better about themselves and to get  or for them to think that they have the upper hand. Many braggers have sociopathic and narcissistic traits.

They try to connect to people with success, money, accomplishment or  some sphere of influence – so they can add them to their arsenal of what ‘expert’ friends and associates they have – in order to have more to brag about – even if it’s only by association. They collect people as if they were things.  They ‘think’ that associating with others of accomplishment will rub off on them – they even take others accomplishments and try to make themselves part of it – trying to take the accolades from someone and trying to make themselves appear that they assisted in someone’s success. They many times exaggerate, if not actually lie and many live way above their means in order to keep up their fake image and facade of – ‘I am – oh so wonderful, happy and great – above all others!’These people are innately insecure and  severely lacking internally.

Wouldn’t it be absurd if Einstein tried to show off concerning his intelligence? We all know he is a genius. Einstein received external and internal validation. People with  accomplishment, be it wealth, accolades, intelligence, happiness, beauty, etc. – don’t need to brag or boast about it – it just is. They are who they are and others sense who they are by their actions, words, behavior and lifestyle –  no need to brag or boast – because who they are  emanates naturally from their pores.

Steer clear of those who are boastful, braggarts, nosy, controllers – who ‘think’ they know everything – who don’t listen, don’t self-reflect about how their rude, intrusive, arrogant, boasting affects others and can’t be shown or taught self-awareness or much else – they will usually take advantage of you,  if and when you don’t go along with their plans, do as they deem, or  they realize that you see through them – they may even try to take from you and do you harm when you don’t give them what they want or need from you.

Realize when you feel more than or less than others – you are not feeling equal to…

A book to assist  – read with self-reflection, honest comprehension and you will grow more  in awareness.

Those who genuinely believe in Jesus Christ…

Have less stress – less mental and emotional issues – more peace – more joy – have more faith – love – contentment. Why? Because they know who they are and where they are going when they leave earth. Talking to Christ and listening with their heart through their mind’s eye, they also understand why they are on earth and their placement and mission and they go for it and live it fully. They are guided. They have more love – respect – kindness – generosity – acceptance – understanding – forgiveness of their fellowman.

They strive for ‘right’ living and following the ten commandments.

When they are in pain and going through the storms of life on earth, they hold quick and fast to the hand of Jesus Christ as their comfort and guide. There will always be trials and pain on earth – it is the planet of dualities – good and evil – that is what keeps this place rockin’ and rollin’.

I am not talking those who ‘pretend’ to believe because they think it’s the ‘thing’ to do or to make people think they are good, in order that they put one over on others. I am writing about those who really and genuinely believe in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.  

They are not overly concerned with material things, their position or power on earth because they know all this is temporary. Sure, things of earth are fun and meaningful and for us to enjoy. Achievement and acquirement are meaningful here, but they are temporary and of earth. What is important and matters the most to the Christian is their soul.  

They will kindly give to others if they are able and even when it is difficult for them to do so. They respect themselves and others as Christ taught them to do.

Christ died for our sins so that we may have life everlasting, if we only believe in him.

May God bless you, America,  and may the world all come to know Christ.  It  is a peace that surpasses earth.

May you take Christ into your heart.  Live joyfully!

Download- upload – how about we upgrade to God?

We have all these technological upgrades that we are continually being prompted to make on our computer  and our phones. ‘Technology’ – what is it really? It’s one way to communicate through machines – it can be convenient and it can also be a pain to deal with. While it’s making communication faster with ability to reach more, it is also taking away the humanness in it. It’s taking us over and it’s separating human beings from others with focus on machines that transmit communication with no real human interaction.  Used too often, it can become, instead of an aid, a menace to society and to the psychological well-being of human beings.  It’s distancing us from one another – distancing us from  genuine human interaction as it ‘pretends’ to bring us closer. Used as a tool and in perspective, it’s great – out of hand it becomes a distancing evil.

Machines  and things are of this earth.  Human beings are of God. Human beings are the importance  and the blessings  on this planet. Things are tools for human use – not to be used for control, to manipulate,  or to distance us from one another. And certainly not to be made or to become more importance than human beings.

Guns are things ‘machines’ – they can’t do anything without human control over them. Those who use them to harm  and kill are Godless- faithless- lost people.  Guns used by the right people are to be for protection.  All things and machines can be used for either ill or for good. 

We are on this planet to interact with one another – person to person – voice to voice – eye to eye. – flesh to flesh – instead of texting on a phone or emailing on a computer. Technology is man- made. Human beings are created by God. Texting does not replace a real conversation and much can be misconstrued in a text as our phones self- correct spelling sending the wrong word.  It can be difficult enough to communicate in person – so texting, emailing etc, can many times add more difficulty – as it can be too fast – too easy – too unfeeling. And that is what is happening to some people in this world – too fast – too easy –  too unfeeling.

A text is not a hug!  A text is not a voice!

What this world needs is to upload and upgrade to God. We will be much better served and it’s free – no app to buy or new machine to purchase or anything to upgrade or download  in order to keep up with it and not be left behind or to become ‘out- of-date’.

Government is not your father or your god and certainly not the father to your children. Communication through a machine is not genuine human interaction. Real communication is eye to eye, voice to voice, person to person. How about cease texting and pick up your phone to hear a voice – better yet, have a real face to face in person communication. All this technology is creating isolation in our people especially our youth and for some it’s detrimental to their psychological development, mental health and emotional well- being.  People need to feel connected to one another. Babies will not thrive and develop healthfully and normally, unless they are held, feel human touch, voice and energy – daily and often.

We need God back even stronger than ever before in our country – our schools – our families – our businesses – with a strong presence  in all  areas of our lives. We need to bring God back into our hearts! It’s the family – a father – a mother – and children with God at the helm that will create a solid, stable, healthy environment for living a ‘right’ life. Sure, it can be done in many ways, but the ‘right’ way is, for the most part – the easiest with usually a better outcome for those involved and society in general.

There is right living and there is wrong. ‘Right’ promotes health and goodness. ‘Wrong’ promotes decay, harm and evil ways – addictions, perversions, unhappiness in mind, body and spirit – distancing from self and from others.

There will always be good and evil. Isn’t it better and more productive for an individual and society to strive for good?

Let’s download the Ten Commandments. The closer we live by and to them – the better our lives and that of others will be.



The Ten Commandments –  also known as the Decalogue, found in the Ark of the Covenant are:


  1. You shall have no other Gods but Me.
  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything. (Gov is not your god or your lord and savior – it’s a false idol- giving a false sense of security – it’s man- made- therefore out for self and not to be trusted.)
  3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
  4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it Holy.
  5. Honor your father and your mother.
  6. You shall not murder.
  7. You shall not commit adultery.
  8. You shall not steal.
  9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, or property.

When you  strive to live as close to the Ten Commandments as you are  able , there will be less chance for murder, adultery, immorality, perversion and evil, etc. to be in our world.

God protect and bless America and all God’s people on this earth!

(Yes, I am aware that I am able to transmit this message to many quickly because of technology – that is one good thing about it.)

Anxiety – depression – mental illness – addictions in our world today…

I have been noticing even more lately than ever before the level of anxiety and mental illness in people. It might be that some are addicted to drugs or alcohol and this is why they behave off balance – I don’t know? But so many appear and act depressed – bipolar – anxiety ridden – narcissistic – lost – hateful – like they don’t give a da-m about themselves or anyone else.

Some have been  diagnosed with ADHD and ADD –  children and adults – lots of hyperactivity – little to no attention span – little to no ability to focus – attachment disorders and avoidant personality traits. All this was not occurring often when I was growing up or in earlier times.  Depression – it seems to be everywhere.  Continual ads about what drug to take if you are depressed, even as they admit the drugs, they are promoting may not work and may even make a person more depressed even suicidal. Perhaps, too many are taking too many drugs of all sorts in the first place! How can bodies process all the junk that some are putting into theirs? It’s certainly not natural to the body,  just as too much alcohol – recreational drugs and other addictions are not natural to be ingested into our bodies or partaken in. Our bodies are natural miracles – perfectly engineered working machines created and orchestrated by God.

Is it because of the nutritionally lacking food with all the chemical additives nowadays? Is it the chemicals in the air? Of course, many who over-indulge in alcohol and who do drugs are trying to self- medicate to alleviate their pain, anxiety, depression, etc.

Is it that many families today do not have a mother and father – so our youth have little grounding? Children have a need to enter this world and to grow up in a place of dependability and safety – this way they can grow and mature mentally, emotionally and physically easily and more naturally. Is it that parents are trying to be ‘friends’ with their children instead of authority figures who guide and set boundaries? Many people who should never have children are having them at rapid rate. They seem to think their children will make them feel loved and successful – give them an identity, when it’s they who should be caring for their children – it’s all gotten turned around in distortion.

It appears so many people – adults and otherwise are stuck somewhere between toddler and teenager… ME ME ME – I want –  I want – I want. I am rebelling – rebelling – rebelling! Where can I find my next high – my stimulus – my rush – my excitement?

Where  has maturity, responsibility, respect, honor, respect for self – respect for others, manners, morals, kindness, thoughtfulness, intelligence, common sense –  gone? It’s not being displayed by more and more adults. Therefore children are mirroring many things negative to self and others with little to no awareness or ability of the positive and good. Some children these days appear not to know or understand right living. 

Is is technology? Everything is faster and faster and that everything is expected to happen quickly – happen NOW – or much frustration occurs. It is the messages in the media and in the entertainment field of perversion,  some people who don’t even know what gender they are, some who are even marrying their animals or a tree in some forest? So many seem to be pushing the envelope to a kind of bizarre distortion even into insanity – where there is no truth, peace, honor, integrity, morality, grounding or belief in the honoring of God.

So many seem to be searching – searching – searching for what?  And trying to escape – escape what? Anywhere you go – there you will still be. Money – things – notoriety – celebrity – searching for something outside themselves to help them feel ‘better’ or ‘okay’ – as if they belong to something – even if it’s something bizarre, perverted, and inane. Such as a herd of woman wearing vagina costumes – that they think will make them  feel better or even just ‘okay’ as they attach to this goofy group of nothingness.

People who are hurting  and lost inside are the ones who do the most hurt and harm to others and damage and evil in our world.  They try to attach to anyone and anything to find some kind of meaning in their life. They try to harm even destroy others because of their internal pain – searching for continual stimulation, a place to suck off of, something to heighten their feelings or to numb them.

There also seems to be also a new level of ignorance – actually stupidity – little to no common sense – many brain-dead people – who do not listen or think, but instead are spinning in their brain about what they will say next – how they will try and top someone else – even if they are lying about what they are saying or bragging about. It’s all about me – me – me – no matter how distorted. While they ‘pretend’ to care about others – the world – animals – the earth – people in other countries somewhere across the world. When they are lost, searching, empty in their soul and living a life of distortion, denial and addictions. Some appear to be locked into a brain cloud of fogginess.

Peace and happiness begin and end in self and nothing else really matters. Unless you have this,  nothing can make you happy and content for long.

It begins and ends with awareness, self-reflection,  evaluation, introspection, honesty about self and to do and be this, takes recognizing what you are feeling and why are are feeling it. Then processing through those feelings and emotions in awareness, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. Armed with the ability and tools to do this, you will arrive at a place where you are able to fill yourself with peace, happiness, love and joy!  You will be kind to yourself and therefore kinder to others. Then everything else on earth will be an extra plus to be enjoyed.

Purchase through my website…


A book to assist you  in becoming aware – to find out why you are feeling what you do and to release limiting imprints and negative beliefs.

Punished for speaking the truth! Rewarded for lying…

In our world today – many individuals do not want to know the truth. They are afraid of the truth of themselves and to face the truth in and about the world. They want to live in a la la land of their own making – avoiding reality. – avoiding the truth of who they are and the reality of the world – as in it’s impossible for  a country to invite everyone in – even those who hate the country and oppose their way of life – give them everything and survive as a country.

A human being can’t do drugs, have other addictions, do perverted sexual activities, lie, cheat, steal, etc. and be a solid emotionally and physically healthy person.

What has made us accepting of behaviors and things that we once considered banal and wrong? What has made up accepting of lies, facades, falsehoods, duplicity, perversions, immorality – with focus on money, power and things? 
Is it because we have lowered standards, in order, to make those who made bad choices not feel badly about themselves? Doing this is stupid as it lowers the standards for everyone.   Everyone lives by some sort of standards and values. So why are we lowering them to the easy and slovenly way, instead of raising them up?
Morals – integrity – honor – cleanliness – right living-  do not change…
Truth does not change. Right living does not change. Wrong is wrong and right is right. Truth is truth. Lie is lie.  Everything is not shades of grey – most things actually are black and white.  Trying to make things shades of grey ends up destroying what is right, true, moral and good.
What this is – is evil. Evil is corruption- distortion- lies- misrepresentation – focus on material things, instead of human beings – focus on perversion, instead of that which is wholesome.
Example the Clintons – they are only facade – their ‘family’ image – their lying words are trying to hide what and who they really are – which is a man who has had sexual affairs his whole married life – and lied looking directly into the eyes of the American people – deaths all around them – an unnatural gain of wealth through self promotion and more lies.  Hillary talks about women’s rights – when her husband has been sexually abusing women all through their marriage. Was Chelsea even conceived between them? They want you to think so – as to give the image of a happy family. Many media outlets and rumors reveal that Chelsea is not Bill Clinton’s child.
Everything has become about the ‘image’ that is presented to the public – ‘promotion and advertising’ – being sold an ‘facade’ – instead of the TRUTH of what really is.
Are you afraid of the truth of yourself? Because until you really become aware, know and understand self – you will be. There is a higher self and a lower self – which side of yourself do you lean to more often? Lower self strives for easy pleasures and rewards no matter how attained. The lower self can also destroy everything good – as that is its nature.
When the pain of lies gets too much to bear, if you are fortunate, you will stop and have deep-self-reflection – a dark night of the soul-when you will try,  even through pain to be forced to look at self in truth. When you do – as you dig through your facade – you will come into awareness and growth into releasing the facade… Otherwise, you will spin in pain, addictions, lies, quest for money, power, things, etc. to keep up your facade and continue living in duplicity – pain – sin – addiction, etc.
Are you a child of God – good? Or are you a child of Satan – evil? Some think God – their conscience – their internal moral adjuster does not exist. They may get away with doing this for awhile – but sooner or later it will slam into self – a time when beliefs – imprints – duplicity – facades – that you have been hiding in and ‘you think’ is your worth, don’t work any longer – and all you are left with is self. Some people live a life so full of evil that it shows on their faces and in their physical body, Their eyes are dead, their skin is lifeless – their energy is fragmented and frenetic. They live in internal torment  – full of addictions and disease. They may realize this – they may not.
This is what dying unto self means – when you come to meet your soul in complete honesty then decide to address your issues, torment, imprints, beliefs… and change. When you leave this world – all you exit with is your soul – nothing you have acquired on earth matters any longer – you take none of it with you – what you are at this time,  is what you are in your soul.
How will you feel when this moment occurs? Will you feel satisfied with who  you genuinely are – your authentic self or will you be crushed  when you realize that – your car does not define you – your job does not define you –  your house does not define you – your designer purse does not define you – your money does not define you. The only thing that matters and defines you is who you genuinely are – what you carry in your soul. Is it truth or is it lie?
Until you face the truth of yourself and who you are – you will live in illusions, delusions, self-lies and an altered universe full of distortion – and that is what I am seeing  so much of in our world today. A world filled with much corruption  lies, illusions, facades of good which are covering up much evil.
You may be seemingly rewarded at times for lying to self and others in the material world, but in the world of God, you will be rewarded for seeing, revealing, telling and living in truth…
A book to assist in awareness… DADDY THROW ME IN THE AIR….

Staying Home With A Cold – excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

I am fifteen… 

Feeling ill makes me aware that as humans we are fragile.   I might have the flu. My stomach hurts and nose is running. I have a cough and am so tired.

I’m staying home from school to nurture myself.   I stay in bed, rest, read, watch TV and eat soup. I comfort and lovingly nurture my human body. I feel vulnerable being in my human body today.

I enjoy watching soap operas, ‘Another World’, is my favorite. I can watch it all summer long. Then go back to school until Thanksgiving, watch it again and have not missed a thing.   But it’s still fun to watch soap operas even if they move as slow as molasses. I like to look at what the actresses are wearing and see how they’re doing their hair.

It’s fun to be home from school even though I do not feel well. I can think, reflect, breathe and ponder all sorts of things about myself and the world.   I wonder, does my mind control my body or does my body control my mind? When my body does not feel good, it affects how my mind works. It affects the way I feel and think about everything.   Today even if I had a wonderful outfit like the girls on the soap opera and a make-up artist had done my face, I would still feel awful. If I had everything in the world that I wanted right now, I would still feel bad.

I ponder, does my body control me or do I control my body? It sure seems as if today, it’s controlling me. This cold, cough and flu will pass. This sick tired feeling will be gone in a few days. I’ll be feeling good again soon. I’ll be back in school, attending ballet class and seeing my friends. But these days of bed and cuddling are enjoyable. Perhaps, illness is God’s way of saying be still, slow down, think and come into self, while contemplating your humanness and the frailty of being human.

I’m getting extra attention from the housekeeper and even my mother and my father. Extra attention feels good. I look forward to the time when I’ll have a house of my own and can stay at home all day doing what I really want to do.

Snuggling down under my covers, pulling the comforter up around my chin, I am me and happily to myself. It feels so good.   Even though I’m not at school learning, I am accomplishing lots. Learning and figuring things out about myself and the world. I do lots of thinking when I’m home sick. Time to think on your own is just as important as going to school and learning whatever they’re teaching. I like to read books they don’t even talk about at school. I like to read books by John Steinbeck. None of my teachers have ever mentioned him and he’s one of my favorite authors. School doesn’t teach me many things that I want to learn. Perhaps at times, school can be an interruption to education. It feels great to be learning on my own. I love to learn on my own.

As a child I was ill much of the time. From the age of twelve until about the age of fifteen, I had an abundance of colds, respiratory problems and flu symptoms. Perhaps I became ill to avoid going to school. I withdrew to avoid facing more feelings of not being good enough while feeling bored.   This may not have been a conscious decision, but it is how it manifested itself in my body.

I stayed home from school lots, so I could be to myself and that time benefited me greatly. I spent much time thinking. I did not feel that I fit into school. I was bored and felt uncomfortable there.   My experiences with the school system were, for the majority of the time, negative. I was glad to be out of the school system. I feel that most of my learning, growth and awareness happened separate from what we call our ‘educational system’. My true talents and abilities were not discovered, developed or enhanced by this system. Actually, the schools and teachers that I experienced contributed to my insecurity and the feeling that I did not fit into the world. They also made me think learning was drudgery, when on my own I think learning is exciting.

If mother mentioned that her decorator was going to be at our house the next day, the next morning, I woke up with a stomach ache. I loved to follow our interior designer around the house asking her question after question. She was interesting and taught me much. I eventually worked in the interior design field.

My creativity was not developed by the school system. I did not fit in and felt left out. I believe the purpose of education along with teaching the basics of reading, writing and arithmetic is to open up an individual to their unique gifts and talents – to teach them to think, reason and to be inquisitive. I felt stress while in the classrooms by the way the teachers interacted with me. Therefore my body and mind were in ‘shut down’ mode. I suffered different levels of trauma most every day that I was at school.   I was trying to survive, forget trying to enjoy the experience of learning. My brain was operating at half-mast most of the time I was there. When I was in school, I felt like I was in a kind of prison. Life and colors were dimmed. The world appeared gray. I most always hated being there.

When I was away from the school atmosphere and away from my parents, I could learn, think, read and enjoy doing so. When alone, I was out of stress and could explore and stretch my mind. I was able to read, ponder and work on my school projects more effectively. I read constantly. I loved to read and would have book after book beside my bed.

During a prolonged illness, a history teacher gave me homework on chapters with papers to write. I loved working at home. I put so much energy, effort and pleasure into this project. I was sincerely learning the information and excited about what I was learning. Sitting home alone in my room, I worked diligently on this project. Away from the school environment and able to be alone during the day, where it was quiet and peaceful, I could learn quickly and enjoy the process.

After I completed the project, handed it in and the teacher reviewed it, he was very pleased. He told my parents that I had done excellent work and that I was a very intelligent student. Now, if I would only apply myself at school. Therefore, for all my hard work, what I got was in trouble by my parents because I did not apply myself at school. I was blamed for not fitting in.

No one ever looked at themselves or the almighty educational system. It never occurred to anyone that the school was the problem and not me.   How did we get so in entrenched in the idea that people needed to fit into some system and then when they don’t, it is their fault and not the system created?

A person is more open and receptive when they are relaxed and comfortable in their environment. The educational system might want to focus on this concept. A happy and relaxed student will be open to learning and developing their talents and skills. It might be well advised to incorporate into the school curriculum ways to teach individuals how to relax, to enjoy learning and about real life. Learning is fun and should be experienced as such. Perhaps classes about tools to lead the individual to emotional peace are just as important as anything else they are taught.

Education is not just about making children fit into a ‘system’ or to obey ‘teacher’s rules’. It is for the development of the individual as unique. Each one of us has incredible talents and skills just waiting to be unleashed. I understand that learning discipline, arriving on time, and following rules are part of learning.

Freedom equals creativity – control stifles creativity. Much of the time, our most talented pupils have their uniqueness delayed or even thwarted all together by the system that we now have in place.

Many individuals who have created what has given the most to our world did not fit into our school system. Some of our most talented and brilliant – our inventors and artists were labeled ‘learning disabled’ by the standards of the system we have created.   So perhaps, it is time to truly recognize that our systems in the world need to be as ever changing as our own beliefs about ourselves need to be.

Being different is great. Individuality is what it’s all about.

Sometimes an illness is far more than just healing the body.   It is for healing and freeing the mind to create the time and space to relax, think, change and grow.

The educational system should be a place of honoring the individual for being individual. Individual creativity is what will heal the world.

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” Albert Einstein

A book for awareness and healing…


I Am A Murderer! – excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR

In my thirties…

When I was in high school, I didn’t know what an abortion was. Only the sleaziest of girls went ‘all the way’. I didn’t know of, or ever even heard of a girl getting pregnant. If one did, it was hidden and taken care of by her family to an outcome that they alone reached and it was done in private.

I didn’t have my first ‘French Kiss’ until the night of my high school prom. The first man that I ‘went all the way’ with, we were engaged and got married. As an adult, I can look back and know that I missed nothing by not having sex at a young age. In that area, I was able to be a child, instead of pretending or playing at being grown-up.

When I was in college, one of my best girlfriends from high school got pregnant by her longtime boyfriend and I was appalled to hear it. No one that I knew of got pregnant before they got married. This couple quickly married because to have a child out of wedlock just wasn’t done. It was shameful to everyone concerned.

I dealt with the issues of sexuality as an adult and even then they were at times very difficult. In my thirties, I got pregnant. The man and I were in love, but I wasn’t out of my first marriage even though we had been separated for years. My ex-husband dragged it out and forced it to court. My first marriage had ended in complete embarrassment and scandal and the whole town knew about it. It would have added more shame for my family and me if I was pregnant, not being completely divorced and not married. The man I loved and I, couldn’t get married, until three months after my divorce was final and it was not even as of yet final. So for the sake of image, we killed our baby.

The man I was dating told me that he would do whatever I wanted to do in this regard. We were planning on getting married anyway, but after much discussion, we opted for abortion.

It was the most difficult decision that I have ever made in my life. I changed my mind several times before actually having the abortion. Even as I was getting out of the car to enter the medical facility, he and I were still discussing it. One of my thought processes in deciding to have an abortion was that it must be okay because others were doing it. Then there was ‘Roe versus Wade’, a ruling that deemed it okay to abort a baby.  This created distorted thinking in me to think that if the government said it was okay then it must be okay. As if having an abortion and killing a child, had a government stamp of approval. Therefore even though in my heart and soul, I knew it was wrong. I made the difficult and horrendous decision to kill our baby. Even as they were putting me under anesthesia, I was protesting in my heart. The doctor feeling my angst said, “Relax, it will be over soon.”

I went to court to testify in my divorce on Monday of that week, which was eventually awarded to me on extreme mental cruelty in a no-fault divorce state. Then on Friday of that same week, I had an abortion.

That doctor performing the abortion was incorrect. It was never over. I suffered emotionally for years because of this decision. The man and I married the following year, but our having made the abortion decision, irreparably harmed our relationship. I couldn’t get past it and he wanted to forget it. He did suffer but he didn’t want to think, talk about it or to deal with his emotions. I needed to deal with mine. I would have intense crying spells concerning this decision. I felt tormented in my heart. I prayed and asked God repeatedly for forgiveness, until I was finally able to put it into some sort of perspective. But I will never get over it and when I think of it, still to this day, I feel like crying. Abortion is murder. On my death bed, I will still be asking for God’s forgiveness for this decision.

Many years later, I told my father about my having an abortion. I am not sure that he believed me or that it really sunk in. He just stared at me and said, “Of all my children, I wanted you to have grandchildren.” Hearing him say this, of course made me feel worse than I already did, in some regards, but not in others. In some ways, I was glad that I didn’t have children. I had such a horrible childhood in some ways that I didn’t want a child to be brought into this world to suffer as I had. I wanted a child to be born into a marriage with a loving couple. I never felt that I had that.

These were my beliefs based on the imprints that I took in from my family of origin.

Children are gifts from God no matter how or where they enter the world. I believe that whatever circumstances a child enters into is theirs to break against, to heal from and is their opportunity to become more of who they are meant to be.

I don’t want women that make the decision to have an abortion to have to sneak into some back alley and have it done by some hack or in less than sterile and safe circumstances. But at the same time, if having an abortion carried shame, it might curtail some from getting pregnant in the first place. That there is shame associated with getting pregnant out of wedlock.

Why is abortion a government issue? Shouldn’t this most serious decision be made between a woman, her doctor, her family, those in her life who understand her situation and her God?

I believe in a woman’s right to choose as there are circumstances in life and that of the unborn where an abortion might be the decision neede be made.  I am not stating that abortion is the right thing to do, as this is not my place, nor is it the place of the government. It is deeply personal and a decision of seriousness that matches few others, as is also the decision to bring a child into the world.

There is a right or better way to live, such as a couple of mature age,  fall in love, get engaged, marry, buy a house then when they are settled, financially responsible and secure in their relationship, have a child. This is actually the best/better/easier way.  Sure there are many other ways, but when you do things ‘right’ – they have a better chance to turn out positive for all concerned.

When and how did abortions become such an ordinary and easy decision to make? Was it ‘Roe versus Wade’ that did it? But the woman that forced the decision concerning this ruling being made into law, has since changed her mind.

How did we as a country become so lax and promiscuous? Was it when the government started paying for unwed mothers and their issue? Is this when many decided that having a ‘government baby’ was the thing to do or even a ‘lifestyle choice’ that was desirable – that the ‘government’ be a child’s father?

I was in my thirties when I had an abortion and even then I didn’t realize how deeply that I would be affected for the rest of my life by this decision. So how in the world can a young person in high school, or even younger understand or have any idea about the importance or how profoundly deep a decision it is to have sex, get pregnant, choose to have an abortion or to bring a life into this world? You need to be able to provide and care for yourself before you bring a life into the world to be under your care and supervision.

Sex creates life. Human life is the most valuable creation there is. Life is the most valuable, important, precious and profound thing on our planet. Abortion is killing a growing human being.  Abortion is killing a life.

My awareness is that I made the choices that I did, based on where I was at the time.  I made a choice guided by shame and image. I made a decision that instinctively I knew was wrong, but based on the fact that the government deemed it okay. I went with the government’s decision to kill an unborn child. Had I not had the government’s blessing, I may not have had the abortion.

I understand all sides, mine, the father of the baby’s, society and the governments. I accept the choice that I made and have lived with it ever since I made it. I forgive myself and all concerned and I turn it over to God.

A book for awareness and healing…

EGO – Secure vs Insecure People…


Do you feel less than, more than, or equal to?

Most of us are a mix of our insecurities and our strengths…

When an emotionally aware person feels insecure, they have learned to self-reflect concerning why it is that they do.  Insecure people are either afraid of looking at self or have no awareness that this is what their feelings in the circumstance are telling them to do. When feeling insecure – ask yourself – Why am I feeling that I am not ‘equal to’  – equal to others – equal to the challenge – equal to being in this place, circumstance – even equal to being in the world?  People feeling insecure do not feel worthy and this can manifest in their bodies, lives and into the world in many different ways.

Some of the ways are :

They don’t feel good enough or equal to – so they may criticize others to make themselves feel better and so that  in their distorted head they think they will bring others down to their insecure level as they try to one-up others.

They don’t feel good enough – so they have much negative-self talk.  and this projects into everything in their life. The view the world through their lens of their insecurity which translates into seeing most everything and everyone as negative.

They may be ill often – one aliment after another. This is caused by their low energy and internal stress  which affects their immune system

Often times – insecure people live behind or in a facade of their own making. They have fear of being found out for who and what they truly are.  They treat people as if they don’t matter because only they matter. It’s all about them. They have an inflated ego – which is a defense for how insecure they feel.

Definition of EGO: a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance – the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

Our ego level and valuation may change drastically when we are fractured and out of balance. Ego may go from one extreme to the other from feeling down and weak to overly confident triggered by external circumstances or internal self-talk.

There is a syndrome – where you go from feeling less than, to more than, but not equal to.  Which is – you feel insecure and less than others – that you are not good enough – you don’t matter – everyone is better than you – have more – are more attractive – more intelligent, etc. Then you flip into thinking and feeling that you are better than – smarter than -everyone else is a fool even stupid and you know more, are special and are way above and better than they are. You go from feeling below everyone in the world to higher than everyone in the world. Which means that you don’t feel equal to, equal to the challenge, equal to living life in the way you desire, equal to developing your talents and skills, equal to taking care of and grooming your body so that you are the best you can be – equal to being on earth along with everyone else.

When you are feeling less than, you will fall into envy, jealousy, denial and defensiveness. You may criticize and blame others to make self feel better. You beat yourself up with negative self-talk and dark thoughts. You fall into fear of the future. Fear, insecurity and negativity take you over. You fear dealing with tasks and dealing with others.  You don’t like people and think they don’t like you. You are insecure and devalue yourself and everyone else.

When you are feeling more than, you will bloat up with arrogance – will treat others with disrespect, like you are much better than they are – you will boast and brag – you will talk down to people – criticize them to show them that you are better than they are, etc. You over value yourself to the extent that you become unbearable.

Either way, you are not at balance and don’t feel equal. You go from feeling like you are nothing to feeling like you are above all others. Continually and repeatedly doing this will wear you out as you beat yourself up in insecurity then bloat yourself up in self-importance. Genuine self-confidence is feeling equal to the challenge. That you self-reflect, learn, evaluate self before pointing the finger outward. Ego and confidence are two different things.

Definition of CONFIDENCE – feeling or consciousness of one’s ability or reliance of one’s circumstances – faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper or effective way – to have confidence is to have trust in self-reliance and ability.

Sure, there are days we all feel like a bitch, are grumpy and out of sorts then there are days when we feel on top of the world, can do no wrong and are king of all we survey – simplistically, like the difference between a good hair day and a bad one.  When you are at balance, the extremes won’t take you down as low as to fall into depression or so high that you become reckless into self-destruction. You will not be blown about by the external winds of change – up so high then down low controlled by every turn and twist. You will remain, more often than not, at confidence and equal to the challenge. Being in internal confidence, you will/can more easily adapt to others and circumstances staying more in balance without the highs and lows. You will be able to focus on issues and solutions, instead of allowing your emotions and the feelings connected to them take you over.

A fractured ego – goes from one extreme to the other, from over valuation of self to devaluation of self. Emotions, feelings and behaviors are unbalanced both internally and externally. When you arrive at balance, ego will remain internally confident more of the time. Confident that you are equal to others, not more than, not less than, but equal to the challenge; when you arrive at this place, there is a big internal sigh of release – like a balloon full of hot air deflating.  Because you realize that you are just fine. You are okay, all you need to do is to be yourself, learn about self, develop yourself, accept self, challenge self, be open to learn from others, listen to others, listen to self, respect yourself and respect others.  Your competition is first within self then reflected outward. Living in this way, you will respect yourself and others. Everyone has their worth, their talents, their value. Everyone is/can be equal to and so can you.

Remember, when you are feeling less than or better than, you are not feeling equal to…

To become more self-aware…

We all see through individual eyes…

and what we see and how we perceive it is based on our psychological make-up – our intelligence and emotional levels – how we were reared and in what environment – our experiences thus far and at any given time – our astrological influences, our genetic make-up – lineage – our educational, religious and spiritual leanings – our maturity or immaturity level – our socio-economic levels – our age,  etc. We all have our individual imprints and beliefs and they will stand as they are, until and if we become aware…

What we think and perceive at the age of ten will usually be different at the age of twenty – what we perceive at twenty will often be different at the age of forty. So no wonder there are so many and such different and varied perceptions, truths, thoughts and ideas in the world.  We have all been imprinted differently. Some imprints we want – are worthy and serve us well – others not so much. Some imprints, as we become aware shift and change – others do not. Some are of the light and some are of the dark. Some are negative and some positive, and they all serve our individual purpose – until they don’t.

A ten-year-old will not enjoy hanging around a group of thirty-year olds for long nor would a thirty-year-old enjoy being with a group of ten-year- olds at length – other than for the purpose of perhaps, teaching.

Mature and intelligent people may enjoy playing games and behaving like irresponsible children for an evening of fun but hopefully, they will soon get bored with it. Usually, maturity doesn’t enjoy being around immaturity at length. The light may fly too close to the flame of darkness on occasion, but will not stay there. The dark may prey on the light – but if the light is aware, they will soon close the darkness out.

Differences can make life interesting but it can also make things stressful and tedious. We all prefer to be with those of like kind and those of like or similar minds – being so, we feel comfortable and like we are accepted, feel heard and comfortable.  Exploring out to be with others who are different, into different cultures, countries, life styles, etc. is refreshing, interesting, educational and widens our perspective, but we soon like coming back to home base and our center.  We may incorporate new things into our life and change our way of looking at the world but not completely. Only those with no core and who have been fractured feel the desire or need to leave all that they are or know behind in an attempt to live completely differently than everything they know.

When we more understand, accept, and know who we are in self-reflection, then we are able to accept, get along with and learn from others while still keeping our boundaries and self-integrity.  If we are fortunately aware , we learn to get away from and stay away from those with dark, cold, blank eyes and gravitate to those with light, joyful and interesting eyes.

Eyes are the windows to the soul… while also they are where our awareness and change in perspective brings growth and expansion to our very being. We all see through our own eyes – as we go through life triggering those who don’t see as we do and searching for those who do…

Look deep into your own eyes… and when you do, and can see self clearly – you will be more able to look into the eyes of others and recognize their nature, who they are and where their heart and intellect resides.

It all begins at awareness…


Your life can change in an instant – excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

My Father’s Cane – Adult – Present Time 

I couldn’t have imagined that almost one year exactly after my father’s death, I would be using one of his canes.  My dad died in April, the day in that year was Good Friday.

Daddy used canes for years because of an injury when he was in the Navy.  A bomb had hit on the submarine he was on.  When Dad was running away from the explosion, he turned to look back and was hit in his neck and spine. This created a degenerative spinal disease to develop as his life progressed.  He had been an athlete in high school and was recruited to be a pitcher, but he hurt his arm and couldn’t pitch any longer.  After a few years of college, he went into the Navy where he acquired this injury to his upper vertebra. He was a large, vibrant man and it wasn’t until later in his life that he needed to use a cane to steady his walk. He eventually ended up in a wheelchair. One day I asked, “Dad is it horribly difficult being in a wheelchair when you were once so active?” He replied in a gruff tone, “No it’s okay. I manage.” I rarely saw him frustrated concerning his disability. Although in private, I am sure that he had his moments.  Dad rarely if ever let me see him down, depressed or hopeless. I guess that is why he wouldn’t tolerate it in me. He wanted me to have a strong core because he knew in life that internal strength is what makes or breaks you.

While in the Navy, Dad flew planes but he was also on a submarine.  Going from the different altitudes also wreaked havoc on him. He told me stories about being in the Navy infirmary and how lonely he felt. He said that he had never felt so alone in his life and that it was the worst feeling in the world. Healing can be an alone process… When he got out of the Navy, he asked for Mom’s hand in marriage repeatedly – on the third attempt, her father said yes.

Through the years, I would buy him antique or usual canes for gifts. He had quite a collection. After he died, I got some of his canes. I placed the black one with the silver handle to lean in a corner of my powder room. There, I could see it easily as I walked through the hallway past the powder room door. It gave me comfort to see it in there. It gave me the feeling that Dad was watching over me.

On April twenty-fifth, one year after Dad died, I had an accident. I slipped and fell on an unmarked wet concrete floor in a local wine bar. I broke my left elbow and sustained three hairline fractures in my tailbone. ‘Unmarked, wet floor, wine bar wounded warrior’ – not really funny, but…’ And no, I was not tipsy. I had one sip of champagne with a friend who I had picked up from the airport and we were celebrating. It was near closing time and the employees in the wine bar had prematurely begun to clean up and mop. Yes. I sued and yes, they settled with me for their negligence.

I was dealing with so much at time. I was still healing from the death of my Dad. My sisters were continually suing me concerning Dad’s Will. Then I fell and had another lawsuit to contend with. I still don’t know how I dealt with it all. But I knew my Dad was with me. I pulled Dad, Mother and God close to me every night before sleeping and often throughout the day.

During the healing, I was on crutches for a bit. How horrible are those things? I needed to ‘baby’ my left hip completely for a while and I also had my arm in a sling, I had to use one crutch under my right arm to take pressure off my left side. Using the crutches threw my walking gait off. After starting rehab to strengthen my left leg, I realized I was really having difficulty walking normally. This was frustrating beyond belief. Being a former ballet dancer and used to being fit as a fiddle, I was scared because I seemed to have little control over movement in my left leg to walk naturally.

The first day after I came home from rehab, I ‘crutched’ by the powder room and noticed Dad’s cane. It was as if it was calling to me. I decided in that instant to toss the crutches and to use my Father’s cane.  Even though he was 6’2″ and I am 5’3″, the cane worked perfectly for me. I began practicing immediately – by walking up and down the entry hallway using my dad’s cane. It was exactly what I needed. It offered support while I strengthen my left leg to regain my natural walking gait. I felt tremendously close to my dad during this time using his cane.  Each step I took to regain my natural walk and balance, it was as if Dad was with me. Just like when I was taking my first steps and he encouraged, balanced and guided me. He was with me now. My parents told me that I learned to walk at nine months and after I did – I ran everywhere. Mother could barely keep up with me.

Now I was resting my hand on the same silver handle that my dad used for years. After two days, I was walking more naturally and in a week, I could walk without the cane. I used it a week longer just to feel my daddy close to me for comfort and moral support. Dad used to tell me he loved to watch me walk and to move. I have a fast gait and he told me that he loved the energy of my fast-paced movements.

 I was blessed to be born with my Dad’s will of iron – to keep on keeping on. By breaking against his internal strength all my life, I triggered my own. It’s one of my greatest gifts from him.

Mom used to say, “You and your father are just alike – both have heads as thick as a brick wall, stubborn as can be.” When Mom would say this, it was usually when she was irritated at one or the both of us. Dad and I would look at each other shrug and smile.  Dad and I are/were a lot alike and our hard heads could butt in real style. But actually that stubborn-will served/serves us well at times.

During this time of recovery, I decided to venture further into town to run an errand. I had spent two weeks almost completely in bed and without driving. Only recently, I started driving myself to rehab and doing errands but only in my area and was now ready to get back into the world. I knew that I needed to push myself so as to not become fearful and isolated. So I forced myself to step further out. With my dad’s cane in tow, off I go. As I near my destination, I hear a big pop and the tire light comes on in my car. I slowly enter the parking lot and park in front of where I was heading. Get out and realize that both tires on the driver’s side of my car are blown out. The tires were fairly new. Clearly, I must have run over something. Here I am using a cane, it’s hot outside and I am a far distance away from my house for the first time in almost a month. I momentarily fill up with fear and stress.  Then settle my mind and call a tow truck which arrives in record time after I explain my circumstances. The man driving the tow truck was as kind a man as there could be. Here I am with sling on an arm and using a cane, barely able to lift my left leg climbing into the cab of a tow truck. The man stood behind me guarding me as I did. While, we ride to the car dealership with my car in tow, we chat and I share with him my ordeal of the past month. He listens with understanding and says, “Just have trust in God.” I replied, “That’s what I am doing.”  Then we both burst out into laughter concerning the ridiculousness of it all. He tells me to keep my smile and to keep laughing.

My new tires were put on and I was home in record time. But why did this happen at just this time, one thing after another putting more stress and challenge on me? Was it to further expand me?  All you can do after dealing with the issues at hand – is to trust in a positive outcome, laugh in amusement and let it go. What’s that saying? ‘If you find yourself walking in Hell just keep on walking’. That is what I did. With each issue I dealt with, God had my back. As fast as it fell apart, it came back together with adventure, magic and more awareness along the way. Kind people were put on my path to assist me – complete strangers with like heart and belief.

As I continued dealing with rehab and this whole ordeal, I could hear Dad’s words in my mind’s eye as I pushed, faltered, got frustrated, scared then kept on… “Keep at it Tiger! You can do it. I am here with you. I am proud of you.” 

Dad had been a wounded warrior and my accident and what it took to recover gave me a new appreciation for what it is to deal with and recover from physical trauma.  Dealing with this just one year after his death, was a lot to process on the physical, emotional and mental levels. But the strength that I had honed from my lessons in life got me through it.  In the exact moment, I replaced my crutches with his cane. I promised Dad that with the help of his cane, his eyes watching over me and the energy and grace of God that I would regain the walk that I was born with and he loved to watch. I fully recovered in record time and in my doctor’s amazement with no lingering effects from my injuries. None! I am physically fully restored.

To add to this time of trauma – dark night of the soul – testing of my spirit – just six months after I had fully healed from the fall and was beginning to feel relief – I went to my dermatologist for my yearly examination. To discover I had a place on my forehead that was cancerous. This place was above my right eyebrow. My dermatologist sent me to a MOHS surgeon to have it examined. Because of where it was, they scheduled me with a plastic surgeon to close the opening after the surgery. I was in full panic mode before the surgery. I had no idea how deep the cancer was or how intensive the damage would be to my forehead.

In two years, my dad had died, I was still dealing with the emotional effects of this, my sisters were repeatedly suing me, I had fallen, recovered and was in the middle of suing the restaurant where I fell. And now, I was looking at having my forehead possibly disfigured.   My father was gone -the only one on earth I had to turn to for strength. My physical abilities had been threatened and I was now facing losing my looks. Talk about overwhelming stress upon stress.

I was wired, anxious and I became depressed. I wondered how much I was going to be put through and if it would ever be over. Would I ever feel like me again? Then who was I, anyway?

I prayed and prayed and finally turned it over to God. At times, this was easier to do than at others.

A friend took me to have the MOHS surgery early on a winter morning. They only needed to go in one and half times, so the cancer had not destroyed much. But I still was left with a large hole in my forehead. That afternoon, I went to the surgery center for a plastic surgeon to close it, to leave the least effect on the appearance of my forehead and face. God lead me to a gifted surgeon.

After the surgery, I felt like I looked like Frankenstein because my forehead was swollen with a red suture line over my right eyebrow. The caring surgeon called me every morning for a week to see how I was doing. He promised that the swelling and the scar line would disappear. I was going to look great again even better. The upside was that the surgery raised my right eyebrow that was lower than the left one and served to tighten my forehead – a light in the darkness.

After a few weeks, it did look much better. In months, it was barely noticeable. Today the scar line is barely, if at all visible. I don’t even need to put makeup on it, to cover it up.

Everything I had broken against as a child, young adult and throughout my life had prepared me for this sequence of events of my dark night of the soul without my father here on earth to sustain me. I had almost lost everything several times in my life, but never like this. Nothing had ever felt this alone and low. In this timeframe, I remembered back to when angels had walked though me. I asked and prayed that they please do it again. But they didn’t. I heard in my mind’s eye, ‘You know we are with you and you will be fine’.  Therefore, I focused on recalling that feeling of love that had once filled me up in comfort and grace as I pulled God, my mother and my father close to me every night. As I lay alone in my bed, I could smell the fresh fragrance of my mother and heard my father’s words, “You can do it, Tiger! I am with you all the way.”

Things can appear horrible and like everything including your life is falling apart, right before more awareness is recognized. I learned how strong and resilient I am. I felt, knew and renewed my faith and strength in God. I realized the hate that my sisters have for me, so I cut them completely out of my life which I should have done a long time before.  Doing so, has freed my spirit in ways that is incredible. I feel younger now, than I even did when I was a child living in my parent’s home with the burdens of my mother, my sisters and my father weighting me down with their imprints. I have awareness, understand, accept and forgive them all. I let them go.

I choose only to keep the love of my mother and dad as comfort to guide me in the rest of my life’s journey. Of course, I do have happy family memories that I enjoy at times.

Embrace challenges in life as opportunities for self-reflection and transformation.

“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find strength.” Marcus Aurelius

Books by Ayn

Also available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc…