Question? Why do I feel so sexually and emotionally tied to a man I’ve been dating for a little over a year (more on than off). He’s with me and then he’s not. He always comes back around to tell me he misses me, and I give in to him. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so addicted to him?

 Response:

In order to understand this dilemma, it’s essential to understand that relationships are formed for the purpose of defining self… And in relationships dealing with pair bonding and mating, the stakes can get very high as biology and ardent physical chemistry take a firm hold. It’s advantageous to know this truth of our reptilian selves, because at the end of the day, instinct drives the species and the fundamentals are always in play.

You want this man for a few very basic reasons. First, you’re sexually well matched. Your bodies are in sync on some very sensual levels. This is a potent component indeed. However, it isn’t the only reason you find yourself being so compliant with a man who comes and goes as he pleases. Unfortunately, the fact that he treats you like you’re less than he, is what attracts you. He makes you a lower priority, thus elevating himself which appeals to your biological instincts. After all, it’s the natural objective of the female to mate with a male of superior stock. Not a lesser… Not even an equal. What constitutes that superiority will vary from culture to culture, age to age and woman to woman, but the principal remains the same.

Men are creatures of nature, too, but they don’t really care if a mate is their equal or superior or what. They’re as prone to sleep with one beautiful woman as another, because to them all that really matters is that they capture and subdue their conquests. They will sleep with many and cut most of them loose at once. Yet some, the good ones, they will try to imprint, to keep them around for future mating. This is what your man is doing with you. You’ve been fairly easy prey for him.

Each time you sleep together, you’re being imprinted by him in a territorial cycle. At first, he did it just a little here and there, to test your boundaries. He quickly realized that his game works well with you.

No matter how horrid his behavior, you always take him back and the bedroom door swings wide open. As a sexual predator, he knows that if he was kind to you and stayed with you night after night, he’d lose his allure and that bedroom door would close.

As things are now, you’re his to control. Every time you take him back and give him sex, you hand over your power. If you think there’s any chance for you to change the situation, I’m afraid you’re very much mistaken. The very foundation of your attraction to this man lies in his mistreatment of you.

You can’t really do anything about the fact that you desire men who make themselves aloof and superior. Nature sort of has you cornered there. My only advice for you would be how to avoid this situation in the future.

You can change unwanted patterns by employing a realistic knowledge of yourself. Next time, he comes around, keep the bedroom door shut. Go off him cold turkey, and get him out of your system and get him out of your life. Either that, or embrace the fact that you’re really into having sex with him and accept the relationship for what it is. It’s your choice. Whatever you choose, don’t expect him to change. He won’t!

Women, the power is in you not the man. Men know this, that is why they con, test boundaries and say what women want to hear. When you realize this, your life will change. You decide if and when, you give your wonderful womanly powerover to a man and my advice is to raise yourself above basal nature.

Now a self-actualize man, while still feeling nature’s pull will rise above the basal. So wise women will look for this type of a man and pull away from the lowly predator…

You teach people how to treat you… and predators are always testing…it’s in their nature.

Observe behavior over time and character will be revealed. Any mask and facade can only be upheld for so long, until it cracks or completely falls apart.

One important indicator of character is how a person handles situations and life in times of stress, when they are criticized/confronted or experiencing failure; in other words, when things don’t go their way and all is not rosy.

Pressure reveals who someone is at their core and what coping skills they have or don’t. Those with strong character compose themselves with grace, dignity and kindness, no matter how bad it gets. Going through difficult or hard times never gives reason to act like a jerk. And, a person with strong character won’t always make it about themselves, while selfishly disregarding another’s view or opinion. They don’t have their head stuck up their butts, unable to see anything outside of their own box and bleak reality, and because of that they know how to forgive, let go and go forward.

Strong character is fueled by integrity, honesty, fairness, kindness and strength. Therefore, consistent actions of egotism, victim-hood, fear, anger, jealousy or imbalance are not sported, because a strong character has no need for those except, perhaps, for a few weak, dark of the soul fleeting moments.

It is human for someone to handle things the wrong way at times, but the sum of our actions is what defines us; not our occasional words or displays of doing the wrong thing.  And a person of character will realize when they have behaved or acted wrongly and will apologize or correct their behavior.  Apologies not excuses.

Don’t listen to excuses like “Well, these were special circumstances,” or “I have been going through a hard time.” We all go through hard times now and then. It doesn’t give us the right to lash out, to insult people or take our moods and attitude out on them. If a person can’t or won’t eventually see and own what they have done to harm or hurt another, they will not grow in character nor will they change.

Anyone who notoriously sports moody behavior, who can’t be trusted and requires a constant tiptoeing, i.e. censorship of one’s actions or words is not worth it. Persons with character, own their ‘bad moods’ and recognize when their behavior is less than it should be and if they can’t and always make excuses, well then you have seen who they are.

Any relationship, personal or professional, requires a consistent flow of giving and taking. When things are always off balance, it is time to reevaluate if it is worth continuing interaction with that person.

Unhealthy souls enjoy wallowing in stress, drama and pain. They are never in a space of true happiness; they don’t know joy and any success they may feel is short-lived. The glass is always half empty for them, no matter how good they have it, or what happens, because they have long lost, or maybe, never even learned the ability to enjoy anything in life. They have come to rely on their own misery, worry and lack of anything good to define how their life unfolds.

Those I have met amazing people of character who have lost a great deal in life, but you would not know it, when you first meet them. They have endured great hardships or pain and within all of that have learned not to take things for granted and to appreciate people and situations more, while complaining and whining less.

They have learned to be kinder and more patient because they know how it felt at some point and time to be on the other side of the spectrum. They have learned what truly matters in life. What is it that decides why some who endure pain turn into monsters, while others turn into heroes? It’s their character.

And most importantly a person of character does not blame… they take responsibility… this may be the corner stone of character, the ability to take responsibility.

The character of a person defines who they are and everything about how they live.