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Mid-thirties…

My entire family is seated around the table in the dining room. The table is filled with turkey and all the trimmings. Dad opened a special bottle of wine. It’s a joyful family celebration. Before we begin eating, we go around the table and each one of us states what we are thankful for.

Then we dig into our Thanksgiving feast. One of us girls makes the suggestion that we reveal the worst thing that we did and got away with when we were living at home with our parents. That our parents didn’t know about. After all, we were all living in our own homes now, so what could Mom and Dad do – ground us?

I don’t recall which one suggested it or who went first or what anyone confessed to, but when it was my turn.

“When I was fifteen and had just gotten my driver’s permit, it was a Friday night and Mom and Dad went out for the evening. I had a friend over spending the night and we were babysitting my little sisters. We watched movies popped popcorn then got bored and were looking for some excitement and adventure. It was a cold wintery night and there was a bit of snow and ice on the streets but even so, my friend and I decided that it would be fun to take the car out for a drive.”

Mother gasps. “What? I don’t believe you would even think to do such a thing!” She glances across the table at my Father.

He says, “Go on finish the story.”

I continue. “Well believe it, mother. Because after we had done our usual Friday night fun, we were ready for some real adventure. So we talked about loading all the kids in the back seat of Dad’s car then driving around the neighborhood.” I glance at Mom and she shakes her head in disbelief.

I continue, “Really Mom!”

She replies. “I don’t believe you. You are making this up just to shock us.”

I continue, “No, I’m not. We talked about doing it. Changed our minds then we decided to go ahead and do it. The little girls jumped up and down and begged that we do. So we loaded all the kids wearing their pajamas into the backseat of Dad’s car. I got behind the wheel. My friend sat shot gun and off we went. We went driving around the hills of our neighborhood in the dark when there was a bit of ice and snow on the streets. We drove around for a while just fine and it was fun. Then, in an instant we hit an ice patch and the car slid a bit off the road. I’m scared but everyone else thought it was fun and were squealing with excitement and laughter. One of the car’s tires got stuck in some mud. I gunned the car and it didn’t move. I am freaking out inside, but try not to show it. Now everyone else is, too. The little girls are screaming that they want to go home and they are cold. So I gun it again and thankfully, am able pull the car back out onto the street. I drive the car down to the end of the hill, turn around and head back up to our house. I pulled in the driveway and was very careful to park Dad’s car in the exact place where it had been. Then we all get out with excitement and full of exhilaration at what we just did and run into the warm house with everyone exclaiming how much fun it was. Everyone promised not to tell you.” I look at Mom and Dad. “And I guess no one did.” I look into Mom’s face, “And you and Dad never knew or suspected that we did that?”

Mother exclaims, “No and I don’t believe that you did. You were too mindful and good. You were the most obedient child. You never would have done something like that and I don’t believe that you did. You are just making this up to shock us. You were too good and responsible. You never would have done something like that!”

My sisters chime in. “Well, we did it!” It happened!”

Dad says, “Well son of a bitch! No! We sure didn’t know!” He laughs, “You little devils! You are all grounded!”

And everyone laughed.

My awareness is that as a child, my mother always told me how bad I am and how I ruined everything. Now, when I confessed to something I did that was dangerous, irresponsible and bad, she didn’t believe me. Even said, I was making it up because I was too good and responsible. I was stunned, talk about confusing and conflicting messages.

Then I have awareness and understand how much both my parent’s relied on me and had confidence in me. And I fulfilled what they expected of me on most every occasion. Therefore, when I confessed to a time that I didn’t do as they expected, Mother didn’t believe it.

The truth is that I was most always overly good and responsible. And Mother never told me or thanked me when I was being so. She just expected it of me. Thinking back to this makes me angry until I understand that because of my Mother’s issues, I had to be just as I was, responsible and good. I was placed to be so.

But still it felt crazy and confusing and made me feel conflicted inside to hear my mother state that she did not believe it when I was confessing something bad that I did. It also made me realize just as I had thought that I was a kind, caring, good and an overly responsible child. I am proud that I was so, even though it wasn’t fair that I carry such burden and responsibility as a child. Only doing so taught me much and prepared me for life.

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Some call these people Narcissists – and they may be in varying degrees – displaying Narcissist traits on different levels. Bottom line – in their world no one has value or matters but them. They have no genuine compassion or empathy for others, unless they can put it to use to benefit them in some way, be it excitement, seduction, sex, monetary profit, or for even the sadistic pleasure they feel while harming another. – because at least then they can ‘feel’. Many live a life of depression with little to no genuine fulfillment. They are empty. They may own things and ‘appear’ to have some kind of earthly power, talent or position, or they may not.

Nothing feels worse for a Narcissist then when they realize that things are not going as they direct – that others in their life aren’t going to be as they want them to be – that they aren’t the king of all they survey – that things, power and money aren’t enough even after attaining them, their emptiness returns. They may fall into narcissist depression. They dance and internal dance of – inflated ego – thinking they are more than, to complete deflation – thinking they are less than and are full of self-loathing. Think Hillary Clinton – a public display example of this affliction – self-serving and really only about self gratification. She will not – apparently cannot, let go that she lost the Presidency – because she feels and thinks it’s all about her.

People such as this can’t see past self because they have been deeply wounded with no capacity to genuinely self-reflect and to heal. They try to fill their wounds with things – addictions – money – power – control over others and when it doesn’t work or doesn’t pan out – they are still left with their wounds. This is when they may become desperate, anxiety ridden , fall into deep self-loathing and depression.

They have no ability or are in fear about self-reflection concerning their behaviors or to have genuine empathy, caring or concern for another or others, because everything is always about them. They give only in order to get.

There is a seemingly flip side to this, in that some care so much about themselves and carry such emptiness that they even may take into self the pain of others to fill themselves up. Feeling something even if it’s pain is better than nothing. If someone else is hurting, having issues or even dies, they make it about self. They may even suffer as if it were happening to them. They may ‘appear’ to care even overly so about others and the world at large, but actually, it’s that whatever happened/happens to someone else, they make it about themselves and this is because they are empty. Even another’s death becomes about them and they may carry this for years – if not their whole life. Mourning the death of someone at length because they make it ALL about self. It gives them an excuse not to self-reflect, heal or to genuinely live . They wallow in pain as their excuse. Depression becomes their excuse – playing victim, so that others who can genuinely feel will feel sorry for them. – thus manipulating others for self attention, once again.

They will take in and make everything and anything as being about self – in order to fill up their emptiness and lack. Pain and depression become their best friends. People such as this may get overly emotionally dramatic and be unable to let go of events that happen in the world. They may ‘appear’ to be caring bleeding hearts when in actuality they are selfish and make everything all about self.

They may worry, criticize, may be cheap, miserly and isolate themselves. They isolate themselves so that they won’t have to meet anyone else’s needs or expectations. It’s mine – mine – is their motto. To give to another in genuine generosity makes them have the feeling that it is taking something from them. ‘I don’t need or want to care about or to give to another because- it’s all about me. Just giving gives no value back to me.’

Meeting another’s needs drains them because they are so focused on self that they have nothing to give. They only have the ability to suck off others. They want no accountability or responsibility because that would mean they would need to think of another in genuine consideration , to compromise, or to put another first, at times. Unable to do this – because all they can think of is what value someone gives to them – what they can take, steal or what they can extract. They need more and more to fill them up. If they do give help for a short amount of time, it’s to have the temp high of doing so which makes the giving about them. Nothing is genuine. Because they aren’t genuine to self – they are walking facades of being human. Selfish to their core.

Narcissists do not genuinely love or have empathy for others. Because not one has value to them unless that can take or get from them and love is not about taking it’s about giving. Narcissists cannot/ do not feel joy nor do they genuinely love.

They are people without hope, faith, joy and love. They are fractured. And rather than process their deep seated insecurity and emotions to come to healing, fulfillment and joy, – they are more comfortable staying where they are. They may even wallow in it. They may overly attach to animals, things or places. They may isolate themselves and feel sorry for themselves. They are overly critical of self and others – nothing is right. Nothing is wonderful for long. They have no joy in their soul for just being. They are not grateful for what they have or have been given. They are constantly on the quest for more, different or what they think is better.They may go from buying one thing to another – to be satisfied only for a bit – because they are never satisfied. So off to the next shiny thing with it’s momentary high, intrigue and distraction. They are stuck, blocked and they make everything about self. They destroy their own happiness and that of others. Once they attain what they thought they wanted – it doesn’t satisfy them because they have no ability to feel satisfied – wanting more, different or what they ‘think’ will make them happy.

One romantic conquest after another, stuffing their face with food, buying – buying -buying.

They roam this earth in a depressed state of being – searching for something to fill them up.

To feel and be fully alive, you must process your emotions and the feelings connected to them. Along with this comes faith, hope, love, forgiveness and joy! God means for us to live in joy. Satan means for us to live in depression, loss, pain, worry and unhappiness. Satan rejoices when we live in feelings of lack and torment. God rejoices when we live in feelings of abundance and peace.

To have and feel genuine empathy for others, to care, to put others before self is why we are on earth. But it takes the ability to love self to be able to do so – not in the Narcissist self-love of me -me- me( flipping from the mentality and emotions from a toddler to an adolescent) – those whom are never fulfilled unless, it’s momentarily then always needing/wanting more . But to be in the genuine love of self as seen through the eyes of God – as a mature, caring, feeling adult. Most of us emotionally and mentally grow out of the ‘toddler – adolescent mind’ into maturity – these lost souls – do not. Like a selfish child nothing matters to them – unless, it provides them stimulation and value.

When it gets real – time to become an adult- be accountable – put others first or equal to – they run away or fall into depression. ‘Oh poor me’ is their internal mantra.

Victims are the greatest stealers of other’s energy. They suck. They destroy. They criticize. They blame. They whine. They wallow in self pity. They take. They are depressed – angry – sullen – unhappy – unfulfilled. They are a weight on everyone’s world where they enter and stay. They suck the joy out of the world.

Those who make everything about themselves are lost and never find fulfillment in their heart and soul. Nothing matters to them until it happens to them.

I saw the movie LET THERE BE LIGHT – it’s a story of a man doing just this. He makes everything about himself. His pain, loss and mourning are only about himself. He doesn’t recognize the pain in those he loved. He doesn’t see beyond self. He has no faith. So he fills himself up with liquor, things, sexual pursuits, distractions and by turning against and trying to negate God. Then God reveals the light.

May God reveal his light guiding you to the way of internal peace.

Becoming aware is our path to healing our wounds…

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