Kiss a Momma’s boy and you’re kissing a frog, the biggest ugliest one…

Oct10Stop9in the group of designated men not to date and certainly not to marry. Because this kind of disorder rarely corrects.There are many disordered men to avoid : men with addictions, men who lie, cheat, etc. But the mother controlled man is lethal, “mother-controlled monsters” is what I call them and they should be avoided at all costs. Don’t expect him to change, they rarely if ever do… and few if any really ever fully commit. Because they are committed and owned by their mother and, or other female members of their family. Many of these men have never been married.

Mother-complex

If a son becomes his mother’s partner emotionally, if a mother is weak and too dependent on her son, so that he feels responsible for her well-being, he may be unable to lovingly commit himself to another woman – Consequences of Mother – Son Triangulation… he will be his mother’s boy until she dies or even longer.

If in a relationship, and the woman has normal needs for nurturing and attention, he will not be able to fulfill her needs because he will feel trapped and smothered like he felt with his mother. So, he will shut down, get depressed, escape in anyway possible and, or criticize the woman for having normal needs. Men like this use escape as a way to live, fast cars, out in bars, extreme sports, toys, being reclusive, etc. They have an innate and deep fear of being trapped again by a woman, like they were or felt that they were by Momma.

Typical effects on the son of an overbearing, smothering, needy mother are homosexuality, Don Juanism, inability to commit, going from one woman to another, as he always finds something wrong with each woman. He’s searching for perfection in the woman and complete freedom for himself which does not exist in any woman or any relationship. He has an idealized image of a relationship that cannot be achieved and if achieved it would be all for his benefit and nothing for his partner. Sometimes, these men suffer with impotence [though here the father complex also plays a part]. In homosexuality, the son’s entire heterosexuality is tied to the mother in an unconscious form; in Don Juanism, he unconsciously seeks his mother in every woman he meets and in his mind no woman can match the love that he feels from his mother and if he does feel it, then he feels smothered and must escape. These men are always trying to escape their mother while they need/crave female love intensely. They are seeking the approval of Momma but when or if they get it, they sabotage, or run from it. And why they go from woman to woman searching, from one shiny thing to the next. Even if they found perfection, ‘ the perfect match or woman for them’ they would not recognize it as such and would, perhaps, even feel more smothered than ever, because they would have a more difficult time finding their excuse, justification and reason to escape.

Many of these men are severely disordered with multiple afflictions such as narcissist, (inability to feel love or joy), avoidant,  borderline, depression, hypochondriacs, sexual issues, addictions, perversions (as depicted in Shades of Grey) may escape into porn, overeating, are full of illusions and delusions about women, delusions of grandeur, emotionally and, or physically abusive and that may include withholding sexual expression.They don’t live in reality as it relates to the man woman connection. They don’t understand it because their perception is that of mother and child not man and woman. A man protects.A child needs protection.
No woman will be good enough for the little prince as deemed by Momma and in his subconscious  mind no woman will love him as well as his Momma did. So if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a man  with this disorder, RUN! Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how great you are, you will never be enough. He will forever run back into the arms of Momma avoiding and negating the responsibilities, comfort, pleasure of the love of a real woman in a genuine healthy relationship choosing his needy Momma’s hold on him.  His need is to remain a child with little to no responsibility. A man with all the man genes wants the responsibility of the woman he loves. He considers it an honor to provide and protect her. The man/child runs from it. Again a man protects. A child needs protection.

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as “avoidant” when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was “clingy,” for one example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

The goal of the study, published in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, was to address the widespread research debate on “avoidant attachment” — whether such behavior is due to innate personality traits, such as being more of a loner, or is a delayed reaction to unmet childhood needs. Dr. Dekel and Prof. Farber found that while both secure and avoidant individuals expressed a desire for intimacy in relationships, avoidant individuals are conflicted about this need due to the complicated parent-child dynamics they experienced when young.

Taking lessons from childhood – the premise of their study, says Dr. Dekel, is based on attachment theory, which posits that during times of stress, infants seek proximity to their caregivers for emotional support. However, if the parent is unresponsive or overly intrusive, the child learns to avoid their caregiver.

The researchers believe that adult relationships reflect these earlier experiences. When infantile needs are met in childhood, that person approaches adult relationships with more security, seeking intimacy, sharing, caring, and fun, says Dr. Dekel. The researchers labelled these relationships “two-adult” models, in which participants equally share desires with their partner. Avoidant individuals, however, are more likely to adopt an “infant-mother” intimacy model. Men who never grow up, who remain eternally a boy or son, not capable of becoming a man, a husband responsible for and to his wife.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. “Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm — give them unconditional love, including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues.” While what they give in return is criticism, escape and aloofness. So what they are after is a mother/son interaction, not a man/woman interaction. 

Hope for the commitment-phobic? It’s important to study this group further because beyond their severely diminished ability to conduct satisfying romantic relationships, they are also less happy in their lives and are more likely to suffer illnesses, depression, etc, than their secure counterparts, notes Dr. Dekel. Psychologists need a better understanding of what these insecure individuals need, perhaps through more sophisticated neurological studies, she suggests.

There is also the question of whether or not these attachment styles are permanent. Dr. Dekel believes that there are some experiences which can help people develop more secure relationship styles. Sometimes, a life trauma can shift these men out of their commitment disorder.

A boy learns about relationship with women primarily through his relationship with his mother and through observing his parent’s relationship. If there was conflict or emotional distance in his parents; relationship his emotional bond with his father may have  suffered. The boy may have emotionally bonded with his mother in a way that shut down his feeling capacity, which now continues to affect his masculine identity and sense of separate self. Or he observed his mother’s neediness controlling the father. The father may be weak and not able to stand strong, so the boy’s image of a man is that a woman can control a man and suffocate him. So he tries to ‘avoid’ that his whole life. Because he sees that image as being unmanly, while his reality is, he never comes into his full manhood. He remains an eternal child.

If the mother was emotionally unsupported by the father she may
have unwittingly used her son to get her emotional needs met as a substitute for her partner. The disappointment she felt in the father back then was felt by the son . In response the son aspired to be her perfect “little man” that would not let her down like his father did. The son’s heart is open at an early age and it’s natural for him to want to be the apple of his mother’s eye and fill her up with his love. He learned how to please his mother at the cost of his own needs being ignored.

He suffered from not being emotionally close to his father and yet part of him enjoyed his special relationship with his mother in his absence. It comes at a cost. The boy was unaware that he had been setup for an impossible job that he inevitably failed at. It was too much for a little boy to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother. She needed an adult man. The boy was in an emotional bind. He couldn’t be himself and be what (he imagined) his mother  wanted him to be. He unconsciously chose at a young age to fit in with her needs at the cost of his own.

The father was remiss in not providing a healthy parental relationship alongside the mother to allow the son to develop a healthy male identity. The boy cut off from his male power to fit in. A weak, distant or closed hearted father, an emotionally needy mother combined with the cultural images of masculinity encouraged the boy as he grew up to close his heart and disconnect from his feelings.

Relationship Attitudes from “Rape of the Heart”

In later life, the boy as a grown man may develop the following kind of attitudes:

  • He doesn’t feel he is enough. Deep down he feels he wasn’t enough for his mother, so as an adult man he doesn’t feel he is enough for his partner. He is sensitive to criticism as it challenges his male identity . He feels he needs to be perfect and it’s hard for him to admit when he makes a mistake in his relationship.
  • He is fearful of women getting upset. He can’t bear it when his partner is upset, partly because he feels he is responsible for his partner’s happiness. As a boy he felt he was the cause of his mother’s unhappiness. As a child he believed he was responsible and in control of his mother’s feelings through pleasing her.
  • He pleases women to avoid conflict. The man  learned to please women at the cost of his own needs. Women pick up straightaway when a man is pleasing them to avoid conflict. It feels inauthentic. The woman feels shut out from the man as his true feelings are hidden. She can’t feel his authentic male energy which frustrates her. She feels rejected and abandoned as she hears from him the message ,’You are too much’ .This is often how she felt as a child.
  • He feels overwhelmed by her needs. He feels burdened by having to meet his partner’s needs. He is unable to express his own needs as he unconsciously learned not to listen to his needs in order to meet his mother’s needs. Outwardly, it may seem like he has very few needs as he has repressed them.
  • He resents his partner’s needs. The man has an unconscious rage and resentment towards meeting his mother’s needs and he sees all women as his mother on some level.. He believes he is working hard in the relationship to do the right thing, yet he finds no matter what he does, he slips up. He forgets to tell his partner important things, or finds a way to rubbish his partner or the relationship in someway. If he is asked why he ignored her he probably isn’t in touch with his resentment.
  • He feels guilty. The man feels ambivalent about the relationship because of the unresolved feelings he had about loving his mother and feeling smothered.
  • He has repressed the hate which also represses his loving feelings. He may feel unworthy of his partner’s love and want to leave her in order to protect her from his dark feelings.
  • His life Energy is blocked. He represses his feelings and energy or he directs all his energy into work. Men push their feelings down yet keep going in a particular kind of hidden depression.
  •  Healing Process for ‘Rape of the Heart’… best possible outcome for a mother controlled commitment phobic, but this rarely occurs….

    A woman attracted to this kind of man needs to become aware of why she has been unconsciously attracted to a man with a closed heart and what she needs to heal from her past family experience.

    It’s great if both partners can work on this together as in what was there needing to be brought out in one another to themselves. We find that working with the relationship dynamic with both partners together is much more effective than individual counselling alone.

    Behavior Patterns Were Learned In The Past

    mother complexAttraction between partners in part comes from an unconscious fit of “unfinished business’ from each person’s early family. It’s sobering to realize that both partners have re-created their early family situation in the current relationship. Realizing this can give a major shift in perspective as he sees that relationships are an unconscious union that is providing  him now with the opportunity to work things through in order to become emotionally whole.

    Rather than blaming his partner for not being ,’his perfect parent’, he begins to see how he experiences what is going on now, through the eyes and feelings from the past. The recognition of the connection between how he experiences his relationship now and how he felt in his early family makes the unconscious conscious. This stops him being controlled by the past.

    For many men it can be difficult to even conceive that there is a connection between his partner and his mother. It can just seem like “psychobabble”. There can be an investment in protecting the image he has of his parents. He needs to balance that his parents did the best they could and their lack of relationship had an impact on him. It’s  worth looking at how the early  past pattern  affects how he relates with his partner now.

    He Manages His Fear

    He learns how to manage his fear of being emotionally overwhelmed. He discovers his partner is much more emotionally robust that he imagines. As an adult he doesn’t need to placate her for his survival . He may wish to contribute to her happiness yet he realizes that when she is upset it doesn’t mean that he has failed or that he needs to be over responsible. He is not responsible for her happiness.

    He Receives His Partner’s Emotional Flow

    He learns listen to her emotional flow without taking what she says too personally. He is able to discern what he needs to take responsibility for and what belongs to her past. He discovers how to hear what she is saying on a feeling level rather than get caught in rationality disconnected from feeling.

    He Makes Adjustments To His Attitudes And Behavior

    He realizes that his partner isn’t really wanting to criticize  or undermine him. What she is seeking is for her feelings to be received . She feels what needs attention in the relationship and needs him to make an adjustment/ – walk his talk rather than saying “sorry” and repeating the pattern.

    He Strengthens His Male Identity

    He learns that his partner can’t make or break him or take away his masculinity. From this realization he can be present and receive her when she is upset. He doesn’t need defend his male identity as it’s not under threat. He gets the support of other men to strengthen his male identity and reconnect to his masculinity.

    He Reconnects To His Feelings

    He discovers how to express his feelings and needs. He notices when he disconnects from his partner and learns how to manage his emotions intelligently so he can take a time-out without abandoning his partner.

    He Integrates His Dark Side

    What is emotionally repressed controls him. He includes his male wildness/ dark side constructively in ways that brings life energy and passion into the relationship. He expresses more range of feeling so there is room for love and for hate. He learns how to manage his vulnerability. He reconnects to feelings and opens his heart. In effect he chooses to be in relationship and comes from his core in his actions rather than acting in reaction to his mother.

    Conclusion

    It takes time and work to work on deep patterns. It’s a process rather than a quick fix. Relationship counselling provides a safe place to gain insights and explore what is going on in the relationship. It’s a powerful process of recognizing patterns learnt from the past, detoxifying resentments and gaining a new perspective on what the relationship is about. The felt experience of attending sessions and working things through in the sessions and between sessions leads to the couple feeling more connected to each other and better able to work things through together.

    I would like to acknowledge Nick Duffell and Helena Løvendal Sørensen at Creative Couplework for sharing some of the ideas expressed in this article. By

    Directly from the Bible – An unhealthy soul tie often develops when a young adult or older adult becomes solely dependent upon his or her parents.

    The problem is that many people are still bound by generational curses.  These are curses that have been passed down from one generational to the next.  The umbilical cord is still attached.  They are bound by their birth and early childhood experiences.  It is like that they are dragging a ball and chain around with them wherever they go.

    The umbilical card in this passage may also be a picture of unhealthy and ungodly soul ties.  Such ties are destructive to individuals.  These unhealthy attachments lead to anger, depression, and even at times to attempts of suicide or homicide

    ……Very few men with these issues ever get past them. It takes lots of courage and a willingness to dig really deep and become vulnerable. They must step out of their denial and most can’t achieve this. So to women who find themselves dealing with this disorder in a man, I say exit and learn about yourself as to why you were there in the first place. Then reconsider very carefully if you want to deal with a man with this kind of deep seated emotional disorder. If he is not willing to be committed to you  and to do the work needed, including being in counseling together, I say chances are, you will end up feeling like a door mat to his emotional dysfunction and inability to become a fully grown man. You will forever play the role of Momma and he will forever be a rebelling, escaping, run away, petulant boy. These men have no ability to love a woman because they are owned and controlled by their mother or her memory.  Always a son, never a man… a mother-controlled monster. They lack the self-confidence that most men develop in order to head a household, love their wife and exist on earth with a mostly positive  outlook. Their mother instilled insecurity in them, arrogance or both that conflict with their ability to become a whole integrated man.

    I once was in a relationship with a man, who had severe mother issues. I knew it when I first met him and I distanced myself from him for years. He had never been married. Then he re-entered my life, after his mother died, and I pondered, perhaps he had grown up.  He seemed different, ‘appeared’ like a grown, mature man, the first few months as he professed his undying love for me and we began planning a future. But he soon crumbled into the immature son of his mother. He will never be anything more. He drives his mother’s car and lives in her house in an isolated area.  He sits in a rocking chair looking at the view that his father created. He is assuming his mother’s life. His man facade crumbled  and he became like a negative, fearful, depressed, needy, pessimistic old woman. After telling me he will love me forever and was after me for years. He then tells me he will never marry and prefers being alone because he has had depression all his life, (signs of a chemical imbalance were strong.) He said he doesn’t like being around people for long and doesn’t think he could live with anyone. He is always the same and will never change. So he chooses to live alone in a house built by his mother and father, assuming their life as always  being a son,, never separating his identify and creating his own life.  Because of what occurred between his father, mother and him, along with other members in his family, he will be forever a son and never a man or husband. He will never know or experience the full love and life with a woman because he is too fearful to become a man and  he trashes every woman and relationship he has been in.

    I exited and what the final prompt was, when I wasn’t feeling well, and his comments to me were: “What’s your problem, you don’t have cancer.” ( his mother died of cancer) then he stated “You’re a grown woman and can take care of your own life.”   The clearest statement ever that he wanted no responsibility for a woman on  any level because he is a child and at the time was spending time working on his Momma’s house that he was now living in after her death. After I broke up with him and asked for the things I had left at his house. He left them at my front door with a note that said he didn’t want confrontation. Showing that he is a coward on top of it all. He doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions and the harm that he does to others because of his immaturity and disorder.

    I am a strong woman and highly independent and that is why he attracted to me in the first place. But we all have needs and need extra caring at times… and this man could not be consistent in this area of relationship interaction. He became resentful to have to put another’s needs before his own infantile ones. And infantile is the perfect adjective for these men. Selfish, narcissistic and childlike are some of the traits of a Momma’s boy.

    I then began learning how I could have  been attracted to him or thought he might change.

    Now, I get it. He was a challenge, He could be kind, loving and sweet then would turn critical and  cold. And when he became cold and depressed, it ripped at my heart, so I tried to help him and be more attentive when actually his behavior repulsed me, as does his over connection to his mother and also his sister. He would become like a whiny toddler, negative, depressed, pouting, complaining and criticizing of me, even paranoid and full of fear about the world and everyone and everything in his life or things even not in his life. When I would observe him sitting on my sofa, all that was missing was a pacifier.

    Momma’s boys are internal and eternal children, will never be men with full emotional capacity and do not know how to fully love a woman… they only love Momma, she owns him.

    Being with this child/man triggered my insecurity that I must be perfect and strong to be loved that had been imprinted on me from my Dad’s high expectations. This Momma’s boy  is a narcissist and I am an empath… so I was falling into codependency. But I am a ‘Daddy’s girl’ and my Dad was a strong, capable provider and protector. This man didn’t have these traits and wasn’t going to develop them,  or couldn’t pretend that he had them for long. He is a whiny, depressed Momma’s boy and thinks trucks, manly toys, climbing some mountain make him a man or temporarily feel like one, when he has no ability to be a man with a woman and this ability is what defines manhood.

    So why was I attracted? He, at first ‘appeared’ manly and he is a large man (false appearance)… and when he fell into being a boy… it triggered my male side imprinted on me by my Dad to carry on and fix things… and that is not the main roll I want in a relationship. I want to be the woman, not the man. I am a feminine womanly/woman and while I am strong and capable, I need and want a man who is manly and takes that role with vigor and pride, that of provider and protector. A man with all his  male genes intact knows that he provides a place for his woman to feel safe and to glow, she can then bestow on him all her caring, joy, nurturing and love…  and he values her place in his life above all others. If a man doesn’t value what you are giving to him, exit ladies. He isn’t worth your time. Any other way and it really does not work… as this was the way God intended it to be.

    After breaking up with him, I went into counseling and healed myself. I had hoped this man and I could heal together, but he refused to go to counseling together.  I don’t want to always have to be the strong one  and my strength is what attracted him, so he could rarely handle any weakness in me.  while I had to continually handle his. In fact, he vomited his neediness, insecurity , depression and lack onto me daily at the end of our relationship and the weight of his disorder made me feel ill physically and emotionally ill.

    I don’t need to be perfect to be loved and being codependent ravages the soul. I don’t want to be some man/child’s mother. GAG!  Talk about a sexual turn off. I deserve a man who can handle my weak side, that I can lean on when needed and is my soft place to fall and is there for me, or I would rather be alone… so, ta da!..  I am out of this Mommy boy dance … and sadly but  gladly said, ba bye!I had begun to pity and feel sorry for this emotionally stunted boy/man and that destroys love, respect and, of course, sex.

    I was a Daddy’s girl and my Dad was strong and capable and that is the only kind of man I will be with. This was my first and last ‘mother-controlled monster’… while I have had other men in my life with their fatal flaws and issues, they were all men and not ‘momma’s boys’.

    A ‘mother controlled monster’ should not be mistaken for a man who has an emotionally healthy respect and love for his mother and she him. This kind of man knows how to treat women, wants, is even honored to be a provider and protector to and for the woman he loves and is consistent in these actions and behaviors. He wants the honor of having a wife, puts her first in his life and defers to her, instead of his mother, sisters or any other female in his family. An emotionally stable mother wants to create emotionally independent children and wants her son to have a wife and to experience the joys of relationship.

    “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ”

    Genesis 2:24

In romantic relationship, is the closest you can get to the mother, father bond and it takes strength of emotions, and self integrity to walk through the healing and if your partner can’t do it then get out , heal and save yourself.

Look to the left and click to follow…

88 thoughts on “Kiss a Momma’s boy and you’re kissing a frog, the biggest ugliest one…”

  1. Wow! I have dated one and this is dead on accurate to a T. When a man is tied to his mother, he is emotionally stunted for life and not worth any woman’s time. you will never be able to compete with mother and no woman should have to. I agree with Ayn. RUN away as fast as you can! There are clear signals that this kind of man gives. One never married by 30. The one you described in this article living in his mother’s house and driving her car. OMG He has become his mother. Does he screw in his mother’s bed? I love your insights. You make me laugh and I learn so much.

  2. Commitmen tphobics. Men like this are playboy types. They play at relationships because they are too insecure and mother controlled to become a man. I dated one for a year. Big waste of time. Mommy always rules his life. I went on to get married and he is still controlled by his Mother. She hold his balls.

  3. Insightful and accurate. My bother is messed up in the head like this. He has never married and is 45. He always has a girlfriend and they always change. We all laugh at him and when we meet a new girl, we know she will not be around for long, NEXT! He was out mother’s little man. Our mother while I love her is dependent woman that drives us all crazy. She yanks my brother around like a poodle on a chain. No woman can compete with mom. This article is truth.

  4. I am laughing. He drives his mother’s car and lives in her house. Is he a fag? No, he was dating you. You this gorgeous woman that any man in the world would want, kill to make his and he chooses his mother. He’s sick in his f-=== head. he could date as a cover for what hw really is. too f— up for words.

  5. Every word is truth. I was married to a momm’as boy. It was hell. After he won me he became a child playing with his toys and hanging with his buds. I divorced him after one year and now am married to a man. A momma’s boy will never grow up. that’s how momma wants him. A child forever.

  6. This article is helping me heal over a man I’ve known and loved and am still trying to get over. Thank you for posting it on LinkedIn.

  7. Ayn you mentioned lack of interest in sex. That is a real big part of it. Most hopefully didn’t have sex with their mother but they may have lusted after her and as you state here emotional incest is incest. If a boy takes the role of caretaker of his mother there is a sexual element and why they aren’t that interested in sex with a woman other than perhaps to try and get her under their thumb. These men are cold withholding men , not able to bond normally with a woman because of how their mother interacted with either too much care or none at all. Another pt you made that was excellent is that a fully emotionally in tact man has a desire to provide and protect. The momma boy type lacks this ability even thought at first he appears to be so. He knows that’s what a woman needs and wants but he can’t sustain it and then some never really do. These men pout like children and sometimes run in packs. They like to talk about what is wrong with women and their marriages. When what is wrong is that they are immature momma’s boys with out a man gene amongst them. This article is excellent like man others on your site. You are one wise woman and you take the time to seriously figure issues out and this helps us all.

  8. Unfortunately I married one of these baby men. I thought it great that he held his mother in such high regard until I realized she was his wife and not me and she was the only woman in his heart. I left that sucker fast and never looked back. Ayn, your article and quoted resources explain it very well. Women stay away from ‘Mother-controlled monsters’.. Iam stealing that phrase Ayn.

  9. Great words here and explanation. I have dated men like this and you are correct. They never get better and the more your give and try to help them they get worse. Nothing you do or ever are will be good enough. They are full of criticzm for you and others. It’s hell to be around them and i will destroy self-esteem. Cut and run as soon as you even suspected he’s a mother controlled baby.

  10. Lots of screwed up men these days and this kind is the worst I agree because they can appear kind and polite that they do love their mother but then they flip and you see she is th e only one he is capable of loving even though truth is he hates her and he will soon hate you. Mothers can really screw up boys.

  11. I dated a mother controlled monster. I am stealing your phrase also Ayn and he was practically impotent and I thought it was me at first that he didn’t want me but he told me he has sex issues. He was lots older than me so I thought it might be his age. He had not been married. I wondered if he was gay. I ended it when I met a man my age who didn’t have sex issues. Good article, ma’am. Love your site. I follow you on twitter.

  12. Another brilliant article by Ayn. You described the mother,son relationship perfectly. Sorry you got into one of those and it sounds like a lethal one. He drives her car and lives in her house. Worst one I have heard of. Yes, men with this affliction attract to strong women. They have to have strength in a woman because.they have so little in themselves. They are still children at their core. They drain and abuse any women they are in relationship with. I am a practicing psychologist and I read your articles often. Your insight is always dead on accurate. I applaud you and your ability to see through issues, explain them well and to heal yourself.

  13. No one could have stated this better. As for you beautiful Ayn. I read your site all the time. You have it all. Beauty brains, wisdom humor, talent common sense and are sexy as any woman could be while also being classy. You are the complete package and if some man talks to you the way this one did, you did what you should have, got him out of your life. He must be the biggest loser in the universe.

  14. Read this article three times. It is so good. Also, I will add that Momma’s boy are victims. They see themselves as poor me and view women as big bad wolves. The poor victim has all the needs and the big bad wolf is just bad and shouldn’t have needs. Like you showed in your example of the way he responded to you. “You are a grown woman and can take care of your own life.” In that comment he diminished that you have any needs and also step any responsibility away from him. He is discounting and diminishing you and your needs an you being emotionally wise got it. Some women would not see the discounting and abuse in that statement. Just as you wrote in your article. He expects your attention when he wants he and that you care for him and is whining but when you express needs he is aloof and discounts you Women ! Wake up and read what this woman writes. It’s brilliant.

  15. Good article and is helping me understand. These men are damaged for life. There is no growth. I was married to one and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Everything was about him. He suffered from depression and headaches and would take to the bed and stay there. Everything bothered him. Everything. I got out and he tried to blame me but then he went into counseling and was given medication. He is still crazy and depressed. They will never grow up.

  16. Ayn, a man you are in a relationship that would say what this one said to you is not a man and you should have done just what you did. Get out of it. This was a really excellent article as all yours are. You rock and are brilliant and beautiful.

  17. I have been reading about mother controlled men, Men enmeshed to momma. Here is more info:

    When it comes to mother enmeshed men, it is describing a man who is emotionally entangled to their mother. While it is true that they may live in a different house or a different part of the country; the emotional cord has not been cut.

    A Choice

    In a functional relationship with boundaries the emotional connection will be choice and what one has chosen. When it comes to an enmeshed relationship, it doesn’t feel that one has a choice and that they are enslaved to the other person.

    And for the mother enmeshed man it is a feeling of having no sense of self; other than an identity that is based on being attached to their mother.

    Two Emotions

    Two Emotions

    What this experience often creates is two powerful emotions, these are anger and guilt. On one side there is the anger at feeling as though one has to do what their mother says and can’t say no.

    And on the other side there is the guilt that is felt if one were to say no or was to think about saying no to the mother.

    This can create a feeling of being emotionally trapped; because based on these two options, it won’t lead to a sense of peace or empowerment. One can easily end up in a cycle of going through these two extremes time and time again.

    The anger can be amped up and turn to rage and may alternate between the two. And the guilt can also become shame and betrayal.

    A Sense Of Self

    By not being able to say no and to stand up for oneself, the man is caught between these two primary emotions. And this is largely due to the mother enmeshed man not knowing that he is a separate individual.

    His mothers wants, needs and desires, are not seen as separate from him. Where he begins and ends and where his mother begins and ends: is unclear to him. This then leads to him feeling responsible to his mother.

    Responsible

    How his mothers feels is then his responsibility and something he needs to take care off. Her wellbeing is something that he has to look after. And what this also means is that his wellbeing and his own needs, wants and desires are often denied and ignored.

    So being responsible for himself is then overlooked and his boundaries will end up being constantly crossed. And as a result of extending himself for his mother, a natural consequence is being exhausted.

    Love

    On the surface this sounds completely dysfunctional and doesn’t make any logical sense. And one of the biggest reasons that this behaviour is occurring is due the mothers enmeshed mans association of what love is. To his unconscious mind, this is what love means to him.

    Familiar

    At a conscious level it is only creating: pain, struggle, conflict and suffering. But to the ego mind this is being associated as familiar and therefore what is safe.

    The reason it is familiar is due to it being how their mother treated them as a child. As a result of those early experiences being played out thousands of times, it is no wonder that its affect is so strong on a fully grown man.

    Childhood

    In a functional upbringing a child would be recognised as a separate individual; with their own needs, wants and preferences for example. For this to happen, the caregiver would have to have good boundaries themselves and to see that it is not down to the child to take care of their needs.

    However, if the caregiver is unaware of the child being separate, as a result of having no boundaries themselves, it will be more of less impossible to treat the child as a separate being. And by the caregiver being needy and emotionally undeveloped the child will be used for this purpose.

    The way that the caregiver acts, is more than likely how they were brought up. And as a result of not being aware; are playing out the same pattern.

    Role Reversal

    So what this leads to is the roles being reversed. Instead of the mother taking care of the Childs development, the child ends up taking care of the mothers unmet needs.

    The process of separating then doesn’t happen and instead of boundaries being formed, enmeshment is what remains. Part of the reason for this process is often down to having a father that is either physically or emotionally absent.

    Undeserved Loyalty

    What this early conditioning creates is an undeserved loyalty to the mother. As the ego mind associates the whole experience as being what love is, it creates a kind of compulsive need to please the mother.

    In reality the mother used the child for her own benefit and only harm

    So what this leads to is the roles being reversed. Instead of the mother taking care of the Childs development, the child ends up taking care of the mothers unmet needs.

    The process of separating then doesn’t happen and instead of boundaries being formed, enmeshment is what remains. Part of the reason for this process is often down to having a father that is either physically or emotionally absent.

  18. Most men with unconscious mother complexes do both – they initially worship and later on demonize their women.
    Very well done article. You were correct to exit. This man devalued you and your needs just like your stated he did with those insensitive and cruel comments. He has no empathy.

  19. These men never grow up. Run away like it says in this article. They are damaged goods and beyond repair. Their mother controlled from birth and never change. They will make your life miserable.

  20. Agree men like this are damaged goods. Their mother broke them and controlled them making it impossible for them to love another woman. They are too scared that they will be controlled. They equate commitment with the control that their mother had over them. They are damaged for life.

  21. OMG Ayn you are so right on. The guy in Shades of Grey had an absent abusive mother so he can’t love and attach normally. He fits the category of mother-controlled monster like others. At first glance it doesn’t appear that way. Your article made me realize a whole bunch about men and their mothers and how mothers can fuck men up in a deadly way. The guy in Shades was a pervert and wanted to hurt her physically but emotionally is all the same. I guess he hurt her in both ways but other guys like you wrote about hurt women emotionally because they are afraid of intimacy, can’t commit, and if they do commit don’t want to deal with a woman’s emotional needs. My brain is clicking fast. THANK YOU for your wisdom and sharing it with us.

  22. A man who treats a woman like a punching bag is not a man. No excuse. What that man said to you on the phone. “What’s your problem you don’t have cancer” was cruel and abusive. Glad to hear you got out of it and didn’t let him continue abusing you. When a man does it once and you let it slide by they keep it up. Ayn you are incredible. Not only beautiful but smart as a whip. Never let any man treat you like that.

  23. I dated this man. Men too attached to their mom remain boys and they are sick. They never become men. Good article. You have the best articles and info on your site.

  24. I counsel married couples and this article is accurate. I will be sharing it. Well done. Most women who marry mother controlled men leave them. NO woman wants to be married to a child. Men like this think of a wife as a ball and chain, as being restrictive. They never grow up and will always rebel in some form either affairs, drinking, or depression and withdrawal as in pouting. They deal with women as if they are their mothers. They will have short relationships or marriages because any woman worth her self will not stay with them. They end up alone. I have counseled mother controlled men late in their life when they finally realize the truth and it’s a sad state they are in when they realize what their mother instilled in them destroyed their chance for love and an enduring relationship with a woman. This article is well thought out and put together.

    1. Moving into Mother’s house and driving her car after her death along with never been married is the classic example of mother controlled. Once again, you explained it very well. I read on your site often, you have an excellent grip and take on psychological issues. Why did a woman as bright and in tune are you are get hooked into this man? I can bet he was loving, attentive and everything wonderful in the beginning. That is their MO until it gets real then they start falling apart being critical and pulling away. You ended it great. His comments to you when you weren’t feeling well showed just as you wrote that he was not going to care for you when you needed him to only when he wanted to and his comment about cancer when his mother died of cancer is so revealing it’s classic. This man is mother controlled to the extent that I would bet every one who knows him can see it. Any woman around him will either need to be a mother image or her opposite and her opposite is what he is after but when she shows any traits of what he didn’t like in his mother, the woman will be criticized. You explained it well and you understand it. He hates women. Needs them but hates them.

  25. That is quite an article and I agree with all of it. I have had the honor of being married to my lovely wife for 16 years. I treasure her. Mama’s boy have no idea what they are missing. They are missing out of the biggest joy of life that of being a husband to a wife that of being a married couple. Their mother damaged the love out of them. Ayn, My wife and I read your blog all the time. You my dear are an exceptional woman and beyond any man’s dream. If any man treats you less than being on the pedestal of his life, if he is fortunate enough to have gained your love, he is the fool of fools.

  26. My mother was the dominant figure in my family of origin, and with a passive-aggressive father and two relatively dominant older sisters, it was a disastrous for my developing masculinity.

    A controlling mother creates a relationship dynamic that will undermine your confidence in yourself as a man unless you take steps to counter its effects. I had to first admit that my mother was my problem and that took me awhile but when I did it all made sense. What you have written here is a great article Ayn. I have been working on myself and I am seeing the light. I am learning to love and appreciate women instead of trying to make sure that they did not control me when they weren’t even trying to be this way. It was all in my psyche.

    1. I felt castrated by my mother and didn’t even know it until I was in therapy for a year. Instead of becoming full-fledged man prepared to attract and maintain healthy, committed relationships, my mother never cut the apron strings and I acted like a perpetual adolescents. I hadn’t developed the emotional skills necessary to have productive, adult partnerships. I am working on it and seeing women and relationships much clearer and separate from my mother.

  27. These guys are really f-ed in the head. My brother is like this. He was out mother’s pet. He has never married goes from girlfriend to girlfriend. The family sees his problem but if we bring it up . He yells and denies it. Mother is a whiny woman and used him like a husband because our Dad was pretty much cold. The rest of us wanted to get out and make our own lives. our younger brother is a mothers baby and it’s ruining his life. He is 36 now and I don’t think he’ll ever get married or make his own life. When mom dies I bet he will move into her house like the guy you wrote about. We all pity his mama controlled azz. He needs help but is too stupid and immature to see how messed in the head he is. Mother controls him completely. Good article. Don’t see many about this topic. It screws men in the head.

  28. Distrust, fear, caution are the parents of insecurity. Mothers can instill fear in their sons about becoming men and mother controlled men never leave mother. The goal of parents is to create full functioning adults in this world. When man or woman never grow up and stayed hooked to their parents. The parents failed. What they created is a forever child. It’s sick. It’s an aberration It’s emotional incest and destroys the child’s ability to live fully and experience love. Good article. It’s been shared on several psychological sites. This is where I read it. You are correct. Run for these men. They will make your life miserable with criticism, negativity and fear. They attract to strong women then do their best to tear them down. Misery loves company. They are threatened by what they want. They are psychological messes courtesy of their mother and father.

  29. A real man treats his lady with respect. love and dignity. What that mama’s boy said to you is degrading and you responded as you should have as a lady. Dump his baby ass. Ayn, you are a woman among women… never let some immature whack job put you down or talk to you in anyway negative. Any man to be should be honored to be with you or if you gave them the time of day .

  30. Mama’s boys are missing the man gene. I have know several in my life. They complain about women. Truth is they aren’t men. One guy I knew he dated woman after woman and all were nice women but he always picked them apart. He was what was wrong not the women. He didn’t know how to love a woman who wasn’t his mother. He was in love with his mother all his life. She controlled him. He died of a heart attack a few years back. Never married and always unhappy. Older and alone is a sad thing and I do think he realized in the end what he was and what he has missed in life. He was too selfish to love.

  31. My sister was married to one of these mother controlled monsters and monster is what they are. Their mother created a monster. Anyway, my sister divorced his sorry ass after a year. He was always out in bars screwing with his cars and hanging with his buds. He put her down when she is beautiful and smart and he is not so much of anything he just thinks he is. Long story short. She got tired of being his mother and now is with a grown up man. Good article. I am sending it to her. I saw this on a site talking about men not to date. It’s getting tons of hits. You got it going on, Ayn.

  32. Okay Ann, I can see why every man is after you. But why were you interested in him? A Mama’s boy does not fit in your style at all. You, my dear, need a man’s man. A man that wants a real woman not in some role as his mama. That’s the kind of man I see you with. A mover, a shaker. One that loves you dearly . You bring so much to the table. You are the perfect woman and everyone loves you. You love people and have your unique style, beauty, grace and humor and you have an hysterical sense of humor. I can comment this since I have known you for years. Good riddance to that kid. Keep educating us all.

  33. OMG Ayn this article is so good. Shade of Grey. Yes! That man was a mother damaged man. Mothers can break or make a man to force him to need either physical or emotional abuse to women. Mother’s can screw with their son’s heads so much that they can never have the love of a real woman. Your article is right on the money.

  34. Men damaged by their mother’s whether they are weak or over controlling can be real f-ed up. Unless they break the ties that bind them.

  35. Mama’s boys are weak little puxxys and Daddy’s girls are usually strong because their dad instilled this. ?They may be a bit pampered but along with that comes common sense and strength I see that in you Ayn and no way you could be with a mamma’s boy.

  36. Men like this lack the male gene. Their mother stole their masculinity. I watch mothers do this all the time. I am a teacher. I can spot the boys that are being ruined by either dominant or weak mothers. Your article is valid and accurate to a tee. Glad you cut ties with this mama’s boy. He would consume and ruin your life. It would be like you had a son not a husband.

  37. Fantastic article, Ayn. It has really explained a lot! Without even realizing, my strong-willed, independent nature somehow attracts immature, irresponsible men. Ew! The last one showed signs of being a womanizer/sex addict and I bailed quickly. These types appear to need women(any woman will fit the bill) but hate them for it. Sad. Thanks for the info.

  38. Great article, Even B4 reading I appreciate Becoz The heading Momma’s boy.. & beginning itself is interesting and informative.
    I respect you WISDOM !! , your capacity to carry the matter as & where and however
    is rare that too without mutilating and mitigating the facts or deviation from the main topic. Past 3 years I have learnt a lot from a few ,a family and a person. What I write is suggestion Only and open to corrections from you WISDOM !!.
    I will read Momma’s boy now.
    TUVM

  39. Very detailed article covering all kinds of situations in fact and psychological analysis there of makes it understandable. Mother’s
    Influence is damaging in Man& Woman relations. Very much informative write-up

  40. I’m sorry that you have encountered this type, also. We cannot verbalize it at the beginning, yet our gut tells us that something is “off” long before our minds can place the puzzle together. They are essentially genderless/ effeminate and try to overcompensate with crude, sexist behaviors. Not impressive to ladies of refinement and accomplishment. We’re not fooled.

  41. Ayn, this article is the best explanation and put together one I have ever read about Mama’s boys. They are rank men. They like the seduction but have no ability to move past it. They do not know what love is unless it’s their mother towards them. They are cold and damaged men. Women you meet one RUN! Don’t waste your time thinking he will ever change, he won’t. He’s damaged goods.

  42. That mama’s boy said to you, what’s your problem you don’t have cancer. That is disgusting, rude, insensitive, hateful, demeaning. I am glad you got rid of him. A life around him would have been full of abuse and his negation of you. This article is comprehensively great. Whiny mama’s boys makes me sick. They usually have sexual dysfunction. I had a girlfriend who was married to one and he could hardly ever get it up. His mother held his balls. He made a good living so she didn’t care and just had affairs. He was too stupid to figure it out. Not that this was such a good thing for her to do but if your husband won’t have sex with you, it’s either divorce or affairs.

  43. If a sexy fireman had to check with his mother every time he took off his clothes for a girl, his sex appeal would definitely fade. Women generally like strong men who aren’t intimidated or easily influenced by other people, and that’s a big reason why women don’t like mama’s boys. Great article.

  44. Ayn guys like this are royally fu–ed up. I have a guy friend like this. He goes from woman to woman. No one takes him seriously. He talks about marriage and never has. He is the big 60 and he loves his mommy the most even though she has been dead for years. He was a spoiled mommy’s boy and no woman will be enough for him.

  45. This guy had your love and treated you like he did? A major Mommie’s boy. Did he have sex with momma or what is his strange obsession with her things?

  46. Ayn as you know sociopath’s can’t really love. They give an imitation of it and when they had their victim they turn on them criticzing and pulling away. This momma’s boy and all momma’s boys may be sociopathic in nature. Can’t love, show real empathy, or have joy that is like a sociopath. Might want to look into this aspect of it. Great article by the way. All of yours are great! I am an admirer.

  47. After reading, reading and reading I have 1 question….
    Why are you still single???
    With your wits, beauty, charm and intelligence I am sure your a handful! A lovely woman all the way around!

  48. Men like this are often times into objects like mechanical things or collecting things. They relate to objects more than people. Objects are something they own and control. They can love an object because it won’t hurt them that is in the sickness of their minds. Think Howard Hughes a mentally ill freak all about objects and he objectified woman. He died alone. They are cold men . Momma made them thata way. Ayn, you have amazing insight.

  49. So this guy you went out with picked his mother over you – his dead mother at that? What a tool!I have heard of this before but thought it was a horror movie PSYCHO wasn’t it? So no ones problems matter unless they have cancer like good old mom did. Can you say sick in the head much? Ayn, this article is going crazy on a dating site I guess you know that? Women are sharing and posting I think it has like 1400 posts on it. You hit a nerve with this and they are also having fun with it. It was most probably with your permission it on that site. Ayn you know you are drop dead incredible, right?

  50. Other men than men with mother complexes have these issues and are equally without ability to love a woman and have a relationship and there are women like this also. The man in your life with this issue sounds narcissist. It’s all about him. So what is in his mind that if it’s not cancer it’s not a probem. That statement says everything about this cold -hearted man. He is diminishing you having needs giving him the self-serving right not to care. He sounds dangerous. Being around him at lenght and a woman might turn up dead. Abusive men escalate their abuse. I know you understand this and it’s one reason they go from woman to woman. Most women feel how bad it is to be with them so they exit. The saddess ones without self esteem and the abilty to leave stay and they get battered emotionally and physically. Men who have love hate relationships with their mother are fractured and unless they have deep therapy and want to change to be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman they never will. This is excellent in explanation and the way you put it together. I am a psychologist and found it on a woman’s dating site. Stay safe!

  51. Why relationships break down is because one or both people will not heal themselves. They stay stuck in their wounds and do not allow for growth out of them rather its fear, laziness or denial. So they escape, have addictions break up and start over and create the same thing in the next relationship. People who can’t love are not worth being in a relationship with. They are deeply flawed. This whole site is an adventure in information. Great info here. I will follow and be back often.

  52. Also mother-controlled men and other disordered men want a woman to love them but they have no ability to love. When they feel she loves him then he hurts her. He thinks since she loves him like mommy that he can do anything he wants and she will still love him as in the unconditional motherly love. Women in relationships like this will end up being a mother role to his teenage love and hate.. he loves her when things are great but when she gets angry or is upset he gets mad at her like he did his mother. He’s a child forever. Doesn’t look at himself. He hasn’t the ability. He has not matured. He remains a child. He willl always be trying to escape momma’s control over him and all women fall into this category. He projects his mother onto every woman in his life in some form. I am just adding my thoughts to an already excellent article.

  53. Mentally ill, sociopaths, narcissists and the depressed have little ability to sustain lasting relationships. As soon as they feel found out or are forced to look at self they fall into depression, try to alienate with criticism or worse. They are then off to new prey. This article is informative and very good. Thanks.

  54. The Bible (aka God) never said bring your girlfriends and boyfriends into the mix and let’s party! Or to love your mother like a wife. One man. One woman. Period. Marriage between a man and a woman was instituted by God with Adam and Eve. Genesis 2:24 states: “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
    In Matthew 19:4-5, Jesus reaffirms this: “He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one’?”
    Sex is between a man and wife, people in love, people committed to one another. It’s not about sex with one after another. Good article, Ayn.

  55. Men’s feelings about their mothers colour the way they relate to other women. Men punish women for not providing the perfect love experienced in infancy before they had to make the psychological separation necessary to ‘learn’ to become men. Although it is male children who reject the mother and seek a man to model themselves on, they feel it the other way round. The baby boy, without the intellectual knowledge to understand what is going on, believes the mother is rejecting him. In his eyes she stops being simply the ‘princess’, who made him feel totally and unconditionally loved, and becomes a ‘witch’, making him suffer.’ To put it bluntly Momma’s boys are f-ed up! Good article and overview, Ayn

  56. After my relationship with my mother enmeshed husband and him ending our relationship after I confronted him about his relationship with his mother, I feel very hurt even though I knew he was not showing me the respect and affection I needed.

    My self esteem crushed and I became an anxious person. Now I am trying to heal but it is very hard.
    It is true like in the article I find myself wondering if he values things that he owns more than me.
    I became crazy thinking how he changed after the wedding from the person I knew that admired me. I am to this day still questioning myself if I could act more calmly it would be different.

    I was a confident woman, standing on my own feet. Now I am devestated and my self esteem hit bottom. He left me alone dealing with problems on my own, and distanced from me when i was not as strong as the time he met me. I was thinking he would change after his mother dies but I can see from this article that not much will change after she dies.

    I just hope, i can heal and move on with my life finding the man who deserves my love.
    How could he cause this much pain in me. i still love this man who just took took and took.

  57. Good comprehensive article and all you wrote is correct. If a man is still connected to his Mommy. He can’t connect to a woman. Men such as this one use women. They are takers not givers, be it for sex, money, status. Get out as quickly as you realize how bad mommy messed them up.

  58. Excellent! EXCELLENT article. Wow! Blew me away the accuracy of the depiction. You got it going on Ayn! Wise beyond wise!

  59. I believe that is probably true. That’s probably where the term, “mama’s boy” comes from. And any woman that winds up married to a guy like that is not going to be happy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *