When you are around someone, check in with yourself. How do you feel? Happy? Anxious? Insecure? Confident? Needy? Beautiful? Ugly?
It’s important to respect your feelings and to ask yourself WHY you’re having them. Are the feelings because of ‘your’ insecurity, sense of lack, jealousy, or dislike of self, being triggered around this person?
Or are you picking up on ‘how they feel about themselves’? Are they projecting their insecurity and unhappiness onto you. Is this person just bad for you? Is this person trying to drag you down to their level?
If you’re unsure, write down the pros and cons, doing this should reveal what you need to know.
Example: Years ago, I met a man who approached me about buying my car. On this premise, we interacted, but he soon dropped talking about my car and pursued me.
I really wasn’t interested, then he came on stronger. I still wasn’t attracted, but was in a lull in my life, so reasoned, he seemed pleasant enough (bad decision). I had parted from a man, after a four year relationship … five months earlier…so, was into myself and healing…
This man was obviously ‘after’ me, he kissed me one night which meant nothing to me. I was not into him and I told him so, yet he persisted (I continued seeing him, bad choice).
Even though he was pursuing me, I noticed, he never complimented me about anything. He never told me, I looked pretty, or what I was wearing was attractive. He said things like, “You’re ‘lucky’ to be thin. It must be your genetics.” He gave me credit for nothing, attributing everything to ‘luck’.
He put me down, actually, made fun of me because I enjoy writing, and spiritual studies, that I workout regularly, that I like ballet, opera, art and the preforming arts, movies, etc. He didn’t understand why I had different kinds of art hung on one wall. He didn’t appreciate my eclectic decorating style. His tiny apartment looked like it was decorated by his mother, or grandmother and I learned that it was. It was horrible with granny curtains, etc.
He whined continually about his bad luck. He was turning out to be pretty much a drag. When he first met me, he ‘claimed’ to have money, but soon began whining about not having any. He dreamed about winning the lottery. I have never bought a lottery ticket.
He had lost his job as a pilot. So, ‘buy my car’…. yeah right! A friend, I’d known for 25 years, at my request, introduced him to a well-connected pilot, to try, and assist him in getting a job. What I got for being kind, was this man telling me, that ‘my friend of 25 years’ really didn’t like me. Just as my friend of 25 years told me that this man was bad mouthing me to her and that she didn’t think he was good for me, or that he was a ‘good’ man.
No good deed goes unpunished, huh? Of course, I confronted him and suggested that we all three meet to sort things out (I like to confront things head on, to clear the air) which, of course, he refused to do. I think you get the picture… (he was trying to separate me from my friend, while trying to make me feel bad and himself better)
One night, I was dressed in black linen slacks and a white linen designer halter top that wrapped around my waist. I was tan and felt wonderful. Even by my own high standards, I felt like I looked fab. He looked me up and down, then said, “What is that you have on? I have never seen anything like that. Why does it wrap and tie like that?”
I was determined to have a good time… so…
That night we went to an upscale restaurant of my choice (we had done burger, pizza, chinese food ad nauseam). The atmosphere and food were excellent. His comment. “They sure serve small portions. I am still hungry.” He had no ability to appreciate a refined ambiance, or to make an evening elegant.
He was always about himself. He sucked the glow out of me and everything we did.. He complained, whined and criticized most everything and everyone. When we would do things, he liked, I enjoyed them, but when we did things, I liked, he would whine and complain. Being a writer and screenwriter, I encouraged interest and appreciation in seeing all kinds of movies… more sophisticated than his usual fare. I enriched his life, while he was sucking the life out of me.
This man and I were from totally different worlds. He had never been out with a woman who wore designer clothing. He didn’t appreciate, who I was, or what I was about. He wanted who I am, but had no idea how to care for and feed a woman like me. He did not have the background, or experience to appreciate, or to understand me. So, he put me and everything about me down. His insecurity triggered his criticism and served to make me feel unappreciated and not seen.
There was a two week period where I ‘thought’ we might be ‘something’, but I soon became more and more uncomfortable around him, and realized that he and I had no business being together. Here I was, ‘dating’ a man, I had no interest in, in the first place, and his behaviors and words were making me feel bad (stupid, I know, and one reason, I am sharing this).
He would never be up to my standards, while he was trying to take me down to his… a place, I felt uncomfortable and don’t belong.
I also realized that he was ‘copying’ even ‘mirroring’ me. He would state something, I had said, claiming it as his own, as if he was trying to be me. He was even envious of my skin tone…(he has a crush on Selma Hayek) I tan easily and he is pink and freckly. Except, when he gets a spray tan, then he is ‘some’ color of orange. (Thinking back, I am repulsed that I even knew this man. Yet, at the time, I kept interacting like a fool.)
Then I got the picture! He wanted to be me. He even wanted my skin tone. He wanted under my skin and to be in my skin. He was envious of everything about me.
He was passive/aggressive. There are all kinds and ways of abuse and this is one…an insidious one.
He was sucking off my energy every chance he got. He felt insecure about himself and I could tell he enjoyed it when I felt off base. Because when I was, he felt better about himself. And for ‘some’ reason, I was allowing it.
I even became embarrassed to be with him, but being a kind person and self-reflective, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Also, as I stated, I was in a lull and passing time.
This man was uninteresting to me in all ways and this was one reason that he slipped under ‘my jerk alert radar’. I was not paying close enough attention to my feelings when I was around him, because I was using interacting with him as a diversion.
I wrote down why I liked him and why I didn’t. There were, maybe, two things I liked and fifty that I didn’t. Pretty much says it all!
But most of all, I didn’t like the way I felt around him. I began not being myself around him, to make him feel better, diminishing myself, and to continually explain and endure him continually asking, ‘why’, and his snide remarks putting me down and general negativity began to wear on my self-esteem. The man was a total energy suck and I was was his place to feed.
We went our separate ways, but…
Through time, this man would try to re-enter my life (like gum stuck to my shoe) and occasionally when I was in a lull, I would interact with him. (I know, stupid!)
Five years later, he contacted me to ask that I stage a house that he had remodeled and had up for sale, for my monetary compensation, but he never paid me. He used me. (Remember, he put me down for my decorating style, but now, wanted my services.) During this time frame, I gave him a script that I had written, that had done well in awards and was at several prodcos and studios under consideration. He told me that he didn’t like to read, so probably wouldn’t read it. (Remember nothing about me was worthy according to him).
I met a real man that I fell in love with and got engaged and didn’t interact with this man any longer. Got him out of my life… I thought. But he continued contacting me. I told him that I was not interested, but when I wouldn’t respond, he verbally attacked me… calling me old and wrinkly.
About three years later, he begged me to have lunch with him and like a fool, I felt sorry for him and did. BIG MISTAKE! My lack of responsibility was, that if, I was bored, or there was a lull in my life, I would interact with this sucker. I became a sucker for him to lick, take from, suck on and insidiously abuse. He craved my energy. He even told me that he did. I needed him like I need a hole in my head.
I liked almost nothing about him. One night at my house, he was drinking wine like it was water, and he blurted out that he always loved me, would always love me and that he always knew that we would get back together. He had gained a ton of weight, was almost 300 pounds. His face was fat and his body swollen as if filled up with air. I felt disgusted watching him drink as he inventoried my frig. I said jokingly to change the subject, “You will need to replace all that wine you drank.”
He wrote me a lengthy and pathetic email stating how much he cared for me (yes, I have it in my file) and inquiring, if I was seeing anyone else. Was the man I was engaged to out of my life, etc? All which was none of his business.(I was still angry at him for using my time and never paying me, regarding the decorating and when I inquired. He told me he didn’t have any money.) He wrote in his whiny email that my remark, that he replace the wine ‘made him feel cheap,’ like I didn’t care enough for him to let me drink some wine. (Are you hearing this whiny BS?)
Good grief was all I thought. I told him that I had no interest in him, but friendship and that the wine remark was an off the cuff remark because he was drinking so much and so fast. Then I ended all communication…
But he continually emailed and called me. I would look out my window and see his car in front of my house. (The same car, he drove when I first met him….it had been years and he was still in the same place.) He put sweet cards at my door… and called emailed and texted over and over.
Finally, I answered and told him to leave me alone, but as we talked, I felt sorry for him and he convinced me that we could have some fun, I was in a lull in my life, so…(Don’t even say it! I know! STUPID!)
We hung out a few more times… and I don’t know why because I hated being around him. And every time, I was around him. I was bored and began to feel down. He stole something off my neighbor’s house. He thought it was funny. I thought it was appalling.
He began asking me all sorts of questions about my writing, like if the script that I gave him to read was ‘copyrighted’. All of a sudden, he was overly interested in my writing. He told me he had written a story, since we had last seen each other. I found this unbelievable, since, he told me that he didn’t like to read. He wanted me to put him on my website. He was sucking, sucking, sucking…
So, after making fun of me for writing, now he’s written a book, and guess what? The leads and storyline are similar to the script that I gave him. He is also claiming to be ‘an inspirational writer’, after putting me down for my inspirational/spiritual writing, which I have done for over 20 years.
I finally really got it! And I got this man out of my life for good, but, in order, to do it, I had to be cruel. He kept whining that we belong together. That we have magic. That he only feels at home with me. He compared us to the movie, THE NOTEBOOK. Listening to him, was making me sick.
And I could not get rid of him. He would email me. I blocked him, then he would text me that he wanted to start over. I asked, ‘start what’ over? We were never anything.
He is a chameleon. He was dating a woman who remodeled houses, so, in that time frame, this is what he did. He smoozes up to women and they will ‘think’ he is a nice man, until they realize, he is an energy sucker… a USER…He asks ‘why and ‘how’ all the time. Why? Why? Why do you do this? How do you do that?
Oh and the ‘pilot thing’, he has never flown for a large airline and in all his years flying, he isn’t a Captain. He is a co-pilot and flies cargo. I have friends who are pilots and I have dated airline Captains and an Air Force Pilot, and not a one ‘goes on about it’ like this man. I have been around pilots all my life. My Father had a plane and was a pilot and also my ex-husband and neither one went on about it, like this ‘fly boy’ who just has to be up in the air…
This man tries to give an image of being this ‘dashing airline pilot’. HAHA! No way! He claims to have been places, but he has no photos or memorabilia. He is on layovers flying freight, not any real traveling. This man claimed, for example, to have been in Saudi Arabia.. I asked him what he did while he was there… he said, “I stayed in my hotel room.” Get the picture?
He told me during the time that I was engaged that he was getting married to an attorney and moving to Florida… but guess what? The truth is, she was a legal assistant, cheating on him and dumped him for another man. This man lies, cons and spins as bad as Obama does… and oh yeah, he was for Obama!
He now lives in a crummy, filthy apartment, full of what is now, ‘beat up’,(he takes care of nothing) masculine (instead of granny) furniture that I selected, but was never paid for.
He hates his mother and sister (How do I know? He has told me on many occasions. He has even screamed it out at the top of his lungs). He sucks up to women who will feel sorry for and be kind to him. He is looking for a ‘Mama’, a woman to care for him that he can suck from. He is a gold-digger. He has never been married.
He is always the ‘poor victim’… According to him, women cheat on him…Whine! Whine! Blah, blah blah! And I understand why. He is a complete con, bore and a whine baby. I have seen him throw tantrums like a two year old and he is close to fifty. So, get the picture?…
Energy suckers are insidious abusers… they may ‘appear’ mild-mannered, ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ and may even put on a front to the world that is in complete opposition of who they really are. They have ‘learned’ and practiced saying the ‘right things’ to get what they need. So, it can feel confusing. But, if you feel bad about yourself around someone and it seems a bit confusing…you may be with this type of an abuser…a passive/aggressive/energy sucker…
Energy suckers are emotionally stunted, kids who never grew up…they are vapid, empty, needy and insecure and will suck you dry, to try and fill their void with all you have as their nourishment, if you allow them to.
Insecure people are threatened and jealous of confidence, happiness, inner peace and things that they know not of, or things that they want to claim as their own. Many like this man, will steal ideas, thoughts, and even identities… and may commit plagiarism and worse. I have tried to confront him, concerning ‘his book’, but now he is avoiding me. He is now living the persona of a ‘writer’with a hype and con award ‘nomination’ that he paid a fee for, in order, to put a sticker on his ‘self-published’ e-book.
So, the purposes and moral of this tale….
We all feel insecure, at times, and to have the self-awareness of why you are feeling a certain way is the key to growth and healthy relationships.
And when there is a lull in your life, it’s better to let there be a lull, than to fill it with an energy sucker because each time, they will suck more. You are only a place for them to feed. Each time, this man entered my life, he took more….I allowed him in, only because I was in a lull and bored, otherwise, I would never be around such a man.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important one. Listen to your gut and how you feel, don’t negate it, even if you are in a lull.
Had I listened to my gut, I would never have gone out, more than once, with this passive/aggressive/energy/sucker…
Being kind, or bored is not the reason to interact with someone, when your gut screams otherwise…
That which is attracted to you, will try to define you… so guard yourself well…
Have you ever had experiences such as this…?