A man gets angry when he feels bad about himself.
He may be feeling ineffectual – that he can’t make something happen. That he can’t change his circumstances, or help someone, or – most importantly – make you happy.
He may feel like he’s always disappointing you. Or…
He may feel guilty because he knows he’s done something bad, something that hurt you, something that makes him feel like less of a man. And so he goes right back to the place where he feels ineffectual to make you happy.
He may feel like he screws up all the time (and maybe he does – and I certainly don’t want any woman with a man who’s always hurting and disappointing her).
HOW ANGER COMING FROM GUILT OR FEELING INEFFECTUAL LOOKS ON A MAN:
He barks. He blames you for ANYTHING he can find, putts YOU down, attacks YOU, brings up stuff he KNOWS will push your buttons. He asks questions he KNOWS will start a fight, trying to provoke you to attack him. He withdraws. He gets sullen, quiet, depressed. He gets sick, tired, fatigued, listless, loses his interest in sex, starts watching TV, buries himself in work, hobbies or friends. Maybe, he starts up with other women.
Where and how these responses started has nothing to do with you. They’re habitual patterns, he discovered, and used as survival mechanisms when he was growing up. His mother, his teachers, his family, his childhood friends created this in him – you DIDN’T.
And yet – you’re walking into it!
You’ve now become a part of his web of behavior – and everything you do and say is likely to trigger him just like was triggered long ago.
ALL A MAN WANTS IS TO FEEL GOOD. A man is 90% ego….
He wants to feel like he’s NOT disappointing you. That he’s NOT ineffectual. He wants to be your HERO.
Only – when he’s acting in the ways, I’ve described above – he doesn’t seem heroic. So, it’s hard to treat him likehe is a hero…
So – we women make the mistake of trying to help, we ‘think’ that we did something ‘wrong’, when it is all about him.
We ‘think’ that telling him it’s “all alright” will help. When, actually – that just pushes him away…
It can push him further into the nightmare of feeling “mothered” and so it pushes him back into his old web, where he’ll get even more triggered. And who wants to feel like a mother to a man? Disgusting!
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS TO RESPOND LIKE A WOMAN FROM HIS PRESENT – NOT A WOMAN FROM HIS PAST.
You don’t want to go INTO his web. You want to stay in YOUR emotional space!
Here are some words you can use when you know something isn’t going right:
1. I’m feeling weird, is there something I should know?
2. I’m feeling quiet. (And then say and do nothing.)
3. I’m feeling anger. I don’t know if it’s mine or yours.
4. I’m feeling all closed in, some air would feel good (then go out for a walk, or drive to the market and walk around, or to the nearest coffee house, or the gym.. and have some fun! You don’t need to let his ‘moods’ control yours and this is what, as women, we too often do).
5. I’m feeling many feelings inside all jumping around… I feel that you’re mad at me, and I feel angry at you, too.
6. Best solution: Get YOURSELF happy. Find out what you like and want to do for ‘you’ then go do it. And enjoy the feeling. Men can suck the life out of a woman when they are in their down mode. So get away from it…
Get silly, laugh… shift the energy…
If you choose to stay around him – find all the humor you can in everything. Just laugh – at things YOU forgot, or at things YOU saw during the day.
Practice enjoying your life, regardless of how he’s behaving. Lifting the mood can shift it…
A woman is not responsible for a man’s moods…. and sometimes, it’s good to distance yourself, even push him away…
If you aren’t yet married, or committed, observe clearly how he manages his anger… it might be that he’s too emotionally dysfunctional to be around or to sray with…
Moody, angry men are often insecure in themselves and no one can ‘fix’ that, but himself. And men who are moody, too often, make terrible mates. I say dump them… or at least, distance yourself…
Let them learn to deal with themselves…
As men mature, glean emotional insights about themselves, they ‘usually’ learn to become more aware of moody and anger behaviors, but some men get worse as they age… almost like pouty little boys, or they become abusive… These kind of men … need to be without you… so say BYE BYE!…
With the mulitiple stresses of the world these days, many men are showing angry behaviors more often… Seeing how a man handles stress, anger and moods shows you much about who he really is….
What do you say men, how does anger express itself in you?…
And what might your lady do, if anything…? Or should she even try…? Do you think that it is ultimately your responsibility to deal with your anger, or do you dump it on her and everyone around you?
A man leads a relationship, or marriage.. and an often angry, pouty one, leads it off track, into chaos and ultimately into hell….
Honest communication can reveal, heal and release much…
(And men, I know there are angry women, but we are talking about male anger here.)