Tag Archives: Daddy Throws me in the Air

It’s bumpy and I am scared! ….

It’s Bumpy And I Am Scared!

I am eight

We are on our way to Florida for a family vacation. I am sitting beside Daddy on the airplane. The little girls are sitting somewhere behind us with Mommy.  The airplane is bouncing up and down lots and way too much for my comfort. I feel as if I could throw-up any minute and if I did that, I would be so embarrassed because I am eight-years-old and not a baby.  But it’s really, really bumpy and I’m really, really scared.

I am trying to act grown up, but I get so frightened that I can’t anymore and I turn to Daddy, “I’m scared, Daddy. Why is the airplane bouncing so much? I feel like I could throw up!” He responds, “It’s okay Tiger, airplanes are meant to withstand turbulence.” “But -but, Daddy, I feel sick to my stomach.” “Here’s an airbag, hold onto it just in case you need to throw up.” I take the bag and hold it tightly in my lap while trying very hard to not be afraid.  Then the airplane bounces up high then down low as my stomach does the same. “Daddy, Daddy! Is the plane going to crash?” “No, everything is fine. The airplane is doing what it’s supposed to do. It is built to withstand turbulence.”  “Okay Daddy, but I am still scared.” The plane bounces roughly again. I grab hold of Daddy’s arm, “Daddy!”  “Okay, Tiger, remember when we were fishing that time and your Mother caught a fish and when she reeled it in and it flip flopped inside the boat, how she jumped up, screamed and almost turned the boat over?” I laughed, “Yes, I do, Daddy and it was so funny!” Daddy kept telling me stories, real and made up, one after another, until the plane touched down in Miami. He kept my mind off the turbulence, off my fear and off my needing to throw-up. He kept me focused and even laughing and enjoying myself.

Even at the age of eight, while this was the perfect distraction, I knew what he was doing. And as I knew this, I loved him so very much for his doing of it.  I love the memory of sitting beside my dad when I was scared riding in turbulence in an airplane and he told me story after story to keep my mind off my fear. So clearly, your mind, even while in intense fear can be distracted and occupied in order that you stay out of fear and in control, relaxed and in present time. Daddy taught me this by example, when I was eight-years-old that to occupy my mind with funny and interesting things and the fear will dissipate.  I love you Daddy for this lesson, thank you!

I recall this imprint of awareness as often as need be. If when emotional, you flip into your thinking brain, it will alleviate or may even clear the emotion. Being more in the analytical side of your brain will bring you into present time – to be in the moment and out of the emotion of fear or the anticipation of fear and the ‘what if’s’.  When I am in stress, emotional pain, fear, anticipation or dread, I will oftentimes, do a task, such as clean my house, workout, focus on something physical and or mental that will pull me out of my feelings and emotions. Doing this gives me release to either work through the issue, come back to it refreshed, put it more into perspective or to release it completely. Staying and being in present time puts most things into perspective.  It’s the anticipation of fear of the future and or anticipation of the ‘what if’s’ or the negatives that messes us up and freezes us in emotional fear.  Of course we need to prepare for the future and the ‘what if’s’ in life as best that we can, but some things we have no control over or won’t know until they happen. As human beings, we are vulnerable at times. Some things are out of our control.  So it’s better to live happy and positive and turn it over to God.




My Last Halloween – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me in the Air..

  • My Last Halloween

 I am thirteen

I have to take all of my younger sisters, ‘trick or treating’.   What a drag! Well, I guess I can get all dressed up like a ‘beatnik’ or something. Then maybe, it won’t be all that boring.  Halloween is on a school night and mother will not let me go to my friend’s house. I have to stay at home.

Image result for Pictures of Children on trick or treatingI love Halloween! I like to run around in the dark with my friends. I especially like it when it’s cold and windy. When the weather is like that, Halloween is really haunting. It’s fun to scare yourself by pretending a monster is after you.

This might be my last Halloween because I’m getting older. I’m getting too old to ‘trick or treat’ with my younger sisters. I wish I didn’t have to take them around the neighborhood house to house, but I’ll make the most of it. I’ll dress up and get candy too. I feel tall and awkward. I grew fast or something because all of a sudden I’m taller than everyone. I’ll just stand in the back of the group. That way no one will notice me.

Everyone is ready and it’s beginning to get dark. So off we go! The wind is blowing and it’s cold outside. It’s a perfect Halloween! The wind is howling in the trees. The leaves on the trees are making rustling sounds.   It’s all so spooky and fun, I love it  We go from house to house, up and down the streets. Our neighborhood has lots of hills which makes it even more fun and scary.

After being out for about an hour and a half walking up and down the hills, we’re heading back to our house. It’s getting late and everyone is getting tired. We have three more houses to go before we’re back at our house. The house that we’re going to next is real pretty. It sits on the other corner opposite from ours and has a bridge to walk across to get to it. It’s fun to walk over the bridge. The lady who lives there appears nice. I’ve seen her driving her car in the neighborhood. She’s pretty and friendly. It’ll be fun going to her house. I think she has some sons around my age or maybe, older.

We run across the bridge and go up to the front door. We ring the door bell and yell, “Trick or Treat!” The lady comes to the door and looks us all over. She comments about all the little children’s costumes and says how cute or scary they look. Then she looks up at me and turns up her nose. She makes a sarcastic comment about the fact that I’m too old to be ‘trick or treating’. She comments, “You’re a bit tall aren’t you? Don’t you think you’re too old to be ‘trick or treating’?   You’re taking candy away from the cute little ones. It’s horrible how you older children ruin the holiday for the children.” Hearing this coming out of her mouth is my worst fear. I feel so uncomfortable, I could die. I am tall for my age, five foot three and very thin. What this woman said to me and the way she said it, cut right through me.   I felt embarrassed, awkward and wanted to crawl into a hole. I told her that I was taking my little sisters out, but she shot me a dirty look. I felt like I had committed a crime by the way this woman looked at and spoke to me.   Then she said, “If you are only taking your sisters out, why did you take the candy and why do you have a candy sack?”

I wanted out and away from her fast. I didn’t respond to her and told everyone to hurry up that we are going home. I wouldn’t

Image result for Photos of pumpkins and Halloween candy

let my sisters go to more houses after that experience. When we got into our house, all my younger sisters got their pajamas on and then poured all their candy out on the floor in their bedrooms.

I went downstairs to my room and took a shower.   I felt ugly and dirty after the way that lady had spoken to me. What she said and the way that she said it, hurt my feelings into my heart. I already felt awkward and weird about my appearance and all the changes of the new school and the new neighborhood. To hear those critical words come out of her mouth, when I was doing as my parents asked me to do, hurt me into the core of my being.  I had seen her around the neighborhood and thought she was pretty and that she would be a nice person.  I got into my bed that Halloween night and cried.   I thought something must be really bad wrong with me for a lady in our neighborhood to say those things to me.

This woman became a friend of my mother’s and they played bridge together in a club. After that Halloween night, I have seen her and been around her all of my life. I do not really have an opinion whether she is ‘nice’ or not anymore, but I’ll always remember her stinging words. The words she said to a thirteen-year-old child taking her sisters ‘trick or treating’. I wondered what would make her say such comments to a child. Years later, at a society luncheon event, I decided to share with her what I remembered about that Halloween and how it had affected me.   She was shocked. She said she did not remember saying those things and she always thought all of us girls were darling. She even had hopes that her son and I would date because she thought me such a doll. So I had spent years agonizing over something this women had said when she didn’t even recall saying it.

This incident makes me aware of how easy it is to affect a child or anyone by our ‘innocent’ comments. This woman meant no harm. She was just voicing her opinion, but she was voicing her opinion to a sensitive, insecure young girl. I took her words to heart because I was at a sensitive time in my life and was insecure in myself. If she had said that when I was feeling secure, I might have just thought her rude and blown it off. What was the purpose of her cruel and berating remarks?   Had she had a difficult day and was just taking her frustration out on a kid or was she a bitter woman who really didn’t like children, unless they were little and adorable? Had she had some liquor that night while answering the door for ‘trick or treaters’, so her judgment was flawed? Who knows?   It really does not matter.

All I know is that at the time, her remarks cut deeply into me. Are we ever truly aware of what we say and how we say it affects others? But on the flip side, sometimes harsh remarks can stimulate us to look at self and to change. Only in this instance, there was nothing I could change. I was tall for my age and I was doing as my parents asked me to do and I got nailed for it by a neighbor.

Awareness is why did I let this affect me so deeply?   Granted I was a child and did not realize at the time that this woman was being a grouch. I automatically took it into myself and to heart that something must be wrong with me. I had such low self-esteem at the time that I automatically took her critical remarks as if I was doing something ‘wrong’. Actually, I was doing something I did not really want to be doing, to help my mother and my younger sisters.

The reality is when someone says ugly and hateful things they are usually talking about how they feel at the time. It is more a reflection of them and not you. If a person truly loves themselves, they usually don’t say hurtful cruel things to others, especially to a young child. But also awareness is that sometimes, you can be overly sensitive and take something to heart that the person saying it doesn’t even recall. This lady was placing her opinion on me without knowing anything about what was really going on. How grumpy does a person need to be to verbally attack a child, ‘trick or treating’?

When I look back on this event, it seems so insignificant, but I have remembered the way I felt at the time all of my life. This lady had no awareness of how much she affected the young girl she spoke to on that Halloween so long ago. She never realized it or even thought about it. We are constantly, day by day, bringing up emotions and feelings in one another as we react and interact with each other,  So the awareness is that you never know how much you affect people by what you may say or do. Also why do we let what people say to us affect us so much, at certain times in our life? Why do we let their critical remarks injure our self-esteem? That is our issue to look at, not theirs. When we are secure in ourselves, we will not feel the need to talk negatively to others. And when we are secure in ourselves, we will not take negative, critical things other people say into ourselves and allow them to affect us.  The goal is to respect ourselves and others.




I can forgive this woman. She had no awareness of how much she hurt me. It was my own insecurity which allowed this incident to affect me so deeply. Many times, you may not see things as they are; you see things as you are.

Be aware that everything you say and do affects you or those around you either for good or for ill. And sometimes what is meant for ill; can be changed to good.

“Everything I do and say with anyone makes a difference.” Gita Bellin

Our memories and their imprints teach, guide or limit depending on how we process them…




 

Physical and emotional health are the first wealth…

I was at an event about a month ago where I met a man who talked a lot about when he was a young man in the service that he  was stationed in Hawaii and was awarded a post at the White House in the Ford administration. He even carried  a photo book with him – which he pulled out – about as bizarre as anything I had experienced at a social function. He seemed a lonely man . His wife had died in the past couple of years and it seemed that he missed her terribly. So I endured listening to him to be kind while I wondered was his wife the only one who could stand him?  In the photos showing him with Queen Elizabeth, President Ford, Nancy Reagan, etc. – he was a slim, trim guy – no resemblance to the man  as he appeared today.  He wore my ears out with his bragging.

He weighed about 300 pounds or more  –  I don’t really know how to judge weight well. But he was HUGE, had trouble walking and he could not stand for long.  I sipped wine listening to his stories as he went on ad nauseaum – then he went on to tell me how much money he has, how wealthy he had become – how great a businessman he is – how big a house he was getting ready to buy to live in alone – how he was getting ready to retire and no one wanted him to do so – the people he worked with LOVED him – about the new luxury car he was going to purchase.  He already had the biggest Mercedes made but he got a new one every year – plus a truck – SUV on and on. I kept moving away to try and mingle and  talk with others – but he followed as best his fatness would allow – he was attached to me. Since I was kind and listened for a bit, he wasn’t going to let me get away.

When finally I escaped and was across the room from him, I observed that he talked continually about himself – pulling out his photos from the past to try and impress as everyone moved away from him. He eventually sat at a table alone drinking a Martini and stuffing down food.

He was the perfect example of an empty vessel trying to fill himself up with any and everything. I pondered – what a sad lost man – living in the past – obese – empty –  stuffing himself with food – having the need to talk continually about how important and wealthy he is to impress and no one could stand being around him.

His physical appearance was grotesque even though he wore an expensive suit that was tailored as well as could be to fit a body his size. His emotional health was clearly as bad as his physical.  (Your outer self reflects your inner.)

As I thought back to this man, it made me sad for him. I live in an area where affluence is abundantly everywhere. Some people talk about and flaunt what they have and who they ‘think’ they are. There are of course, women like this man, all  fashioned up in their designer labels, overly done make-up, plastic surgery  and their bragging – as if all this defines their existence on earth.

Things are nice, accomplishments great, what you did in the past – sure it’s part of who you were and are but it needs to be integrated into the now . Who you are today. That is what matters.  How does your body feel, function and move? How do your emotions flow through you? Do you live in the past or are you living in the now  in peace and joy with an eye to the future?  Do your eyes sparkle with passion for life, does your body move in health and vigor or are you stuffing yourself with any and everything to fill your emptiness and to numb your inner lack and pain? Do you spackle your face with make-up, so no one can see the glow of your skin and wear rings on every finger?

Listening to that man, he was not interested in me or anyone else really – only that they listen to him. No one had value to him… except to fill up his empty self-worth and ego  housed in a bloated stuffed-to the brim fat body.

He had/has a fractured inner core. Where that fracture happened or came from only he could know or figure out. He kept telling me what a nice guy he is… He was exhausting!

I think he did ask me one question – what I did or like to do and I think I stated that I am a writer and was getting ready to put a book out. He didn’t ask what it was about or anything else. He went onto talking  about the  huge house he was going to purchase with large yard and pool —- blah blah and blah!

If I had clearly met someone who obviously could use and benefit from the info in my book – it was this man, but he would have little to no ability to comprehend its awareness . He thought he knew everything – had everything and was everything.  He pretended his life was perfect. His family perfect – kids and grand kids perfect – during our conversation one called him to ask for money. He stated a woman that he took out a couple of times had asked him to pay her rent and to give her money and he couldn’t understand why… UGH! The man had/has no concept of self.

When you are ready to become more aware of what makes you – ‘you’ – what you have been imprinted with, why you believe, think and act as you do – to learn how and why the memories that you recall most often are guiding your life whether you  realize it, want them to or not…

 




Everything in life is relative….

This week for me has been intense – I was relaxing after dinner last weekend sipping wine and feeling content and at peace, then I broke a crown on a back tooth while eating salt water taffy. I know stoopid but I had a temporary addiction to it – now over! HA!  I do not have a dentist  where I live. I travel to a different state to go to my dentist that I have gone to for about four decades. I love him –  those in his office are like family and I feel safe there. But know and decide that  I must get a dentist where I live. TRAUMA! I have had trauma with dental work ever since I was twelve when my two front teeth were knocked out in an accident. Traumatic events create imprints – stress us and throw us into a kind of frenzy and intense internal fear. This  imprint/memory is shared  in – my soon to be released book.  So I went on the hunt to find a dentist that I would feel comfortable with to put on a temporary then a new crown … FEAR – STRESS!!!

As I was dealing with this, they are putting  new roofs on the townhouses where I live and mine was happening this very week.  Ever lived where a new roof was being put on? It is loud … it feels like being in hell. BANG! BANG! BANG! Mess everywhere – and they begin at 7:00 AM and go to 7:00 PM. I like peace and quiet. I must have a certain amount of it and I can’t stand messes and dirt.

At the same time, I am  working to get my book DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR published… and it’s now being put through the copyright phase. Since it’s about memories in my life… it has sensitive topics in it. Although, I have not only changed names but left out names for the privacy of the living.  It’s a memoir – self-help.

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Along with this, Nordstrom’s couldn’t find my return… so I had to spend time on many, many phone calls.

Hectic week! I did find a dentist – I think I will like. So a temporary has replaced the cracked crown. Today my roof is complete. This morning, they came out to power wash my patio from all the soot that fell from the roof on my patio between my garage and house, when they were working on it.

As I looked out at the men cleaning my patio, I pondered – ‘everything in life is so relative’. I thought of the people in Houston and other towns affected by the flooding of hurricane Harvey. My current issues would seem like little to nothing to them. Right now, I bet they would feel glad to hear the sounds of a new roof being put on their houses.

I saw in my mind’s eye the images of the people walking in flood waters, being carried out of their homes, etc. The horror of it all – their loss – their pain – how unsettled and surreal their lives must feel at this time. They can’t relax in their homes and look out their window while sipping coffee. Our homes are so dear and comforting to us especially during and after trauma. But that is their trauma – the security of their home and belongings have been taken from them. My heart, of course broke for them again, as it had been all week – for all they are enduring.

While I had a stressful week – it was nothing compared to what these people  are going through. And as I stand at my back window, sipping iced coffee, watching the men clean my patio. After my week of trauma,  I am now  in peace – most all of my temporary irritations are over or are on the mend. While those affected by the flooding have so much ahead of them to deal with. And I thought, ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ –   And  also, ‘I cried because I had no shoes, then I saw a man who had no feet.’

May God bless all those hurting and in harm’s way and fill their hearts and lift their minds with comfort, peace, faith and hope for healing, renewal and a fresh beginning.

Everything in life is so amazingly relative.  And this is exactly what a part of my book is about – that we are all in different places. We endure different trials, joys, imprints, have different beliefs, suffer, endure and with faith hopefully can get past and release the trauma and are able to heal.

It serves us all to be thankful for where we are, what we have and what we may be dealing with – however big, small, irritating or irrelevant  it may appear, because it could/might get  worse, change or get better at a moment’s notice.

We are all vulnerable on this Earth. Our only real peace and salvation is with our Lord.

24 hours in a Hell of irritation…

It’s twelve o’clock at night, I am relaxing sitting in bed looking forward to watching a movie, I  just rented sipping red wine from a stemless glass ( I am not stoopid – glasses with stems can cause accidents in a bed) after a long, hot day.  I lift up to move my laptop and the glass flips up then lands hard. The ounce of red wine, if that – splashes all over my completely white bedding.  Ever seen red wine splashed on a white bed? It looks like someone was murdered in my bed.  Yikes! I ponder this mess. How can so little red wine create so much destruction?  I can’t stand spots on anything – drives me a bit crazy! But it’s late – should I wash it out now or later? I elect to wash the comforter and the blanket. I put the comforter in with  a bit  of bleach.

When I go down to put it in the dryer, I find that the washer has overflowed because of the largeness of the comforter blocked the back water drain. I struggle to put the wet and heavy comforter into the dryer. Then put the blanket into the washer and begin to clean up the water that is all over the utility room floor. I need to move everything.  Just as the water is about cleaned up – I pick up the vanilla coffee  in glass bottles  resting their cardboard case –  not realizing how wet the cardboard is – the  four glass bottles fall to the marble floor and break – spilling and splashing coffee and scattering broken glass all over. I am freaking out. Talking to myself by now, as I continue my clean up – stating to the universe, “Bring it on! I will not be broken!” I pick up and take to the  trash over and over again – broken glass and coffee soaked paper towels –  moving everything  on the floor to make sure I get every ounce of this mess cleaned up. Then another two bottles of vanilla coffee fall to the floor and break. I should not have challenged the universe –  huh?! I begin to cry as I continue cleaning up. My hands and feet cut by the broken glass. After the floor is clean – I tend to my ‘utility-water/coffee/glass on floor’ war wounds…

Finally! It’s all over with  comforter and blanket back on the bed, but with sheets still  to be washed – saving for the next day. I settle into watch the movie I ordered. Then the cable goes out.  I call the provider and wait  ad-nauseam- until finally, I get a person who barely speaks English – who  guides me through the process to correct the cable issue -tedious at best – I can barely understand her.  I am about to blow, but keep saying to myself – keep calm – stay in awareness. All this is nothing in the whole scheme of things… right!?

The next day, I deal continually with the  publishing of my soon to be out book, Daddy Throws Me In The Air… a memoir, self-help book, which I began 25 years ago and knew it was time to complete a few months ago. Dealing with formatting issues… on and on and so forth – I realize the book, I thought would be out in August will not be out until mid-Sept.  After spending most all the day on this, I do notget around to washing my red-wine-stained sheets nor do I  eat all day – well, nothing but a banana and some vanilla coffee… yes, the same offending  vanilla coffee bottles that broke on the utility floor – I had two left after the utility room disaster.

I decide to go to spin class to release the stress and shift the energy. Exercise is a great release and has saved my sanity many-a-time. And whew! It works! After class –  having nothing, but a banana all day, I am starving. I decide to pick up ribs  at one of my favs. I get home to find the order is incorrect. The ribs have overly hot and spicy sauce when I had ordered honey barbecue. My mouth burns at the first bite causing my empty stomach to hurt.  I am beyond starving after working out so hard. I eat a dinner of French fries and coleslaw. And the restaurant promises to make good on my ribs the next time, I pick up ….

As I write this, I am sitting in my freshly washed white bed sipping ‘white’ wine. The moral of this story is? Don’t sip red wine while sitting in an all white bed  – or things just happen and when they do, it’s one irritation after another – or after the chaos comes peace – or !@#$%^$#@!#$%^%$#@$%

What???!

Cheers babeeee!  Look for my book DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR … to be out sometime in September….

There is a process included in my book to assist in releasing limiting imprints, negative belief systems and stress. I created it and use it all the time – for the little and the big things…