Tag Archives: Daddy Throws me in the Air

We all see through individual eyes…

and what we see and how we perceive it is based on our psychological make-up – our intelligence and emotional levels – how we were reared and in what environment – our experiences thus far and at any given time – our astrological influences, our genetic make-up – lineage – our educational, religious and spiritual leanings – our maturity or immaturity level – our socio-economic levels – our age,  etc. We all have our individual imprints and beliefs and they will stand as they are, until and if we become aware…

What we think and perceive at the age of ten will usually be different at the age of twenty – what we perceive at twenty will often be different at the age of forty. So no wonder there are so many and such different and varied perceptions, truths, thoughts and ideas in the world.  We have all been imprinted differently. Some imprints we want – are worthy and serve us well – others not so much. Some imprints, as we become aware shift and change – others do not. Some are of the light and some are of the dark. Some are negative and some positive, and they all serve our individual purpose – until they don’t.

A ten-year-old will not enjoy hanging around a group of thirty-year olds for long nor would a thirty-year-old enjoy being with a group of ten-year- olds at length – other than for the purpose of perhaps, teaching.

Mature and intelligent people may enjoy playing games and behaving like irresponsible children for an evening of fun but hopefully, they will soon get bored with it. Usually, maturity doesn’t enjoy being around immaturity at length. The light may fly too close to the flame of darkness on occasion, but will not stay there. The dark may prey on the light – but if the light is aware, they will soon close the darkness out.

Differences can make life interesting but it can also make things stressful and tedious. We all prefer to be with those of like kind and those of like or similar minds – being so, we feel comfortable and like we are accepted, feel heard and comfortable.  Exploring out to be with others who are different, into different cultures, countries, life styles, etc. is refreshing, interesting, educational and widens our perspective, but we soon like coming back to home base and our center.  We may incorporate new things into our life and change our way of looking at the world but not completely. Only those with no core and who have been fractured feel the desire or need to leave all that they are or know behind in an attempt to live completely differently than everything they know.

When we more understand, accept, and know who we are in self-reflection, then we are able to accept, get along with and learn from others while still keeping our boundaries and self-integrity.  If we are fortunately aware , we learn to get away from and stay away from those with dark, cold, blank eyes and gravitate to those with light, joyful and interesting eyes.

Eyes are the windows to the soul… while also they are where our awareness and change in perspective brings growth and expansion to our very being. We all see through our own eyes – as we go through life triggering those who don’t see as we do and searching for those who do…

Look deep into your own eyes… and when you do, and can see self clearly – you will be more able to look into the eyes of others and recognize their nature, who they are and where their heart and intellect resides.

It all begins at awareness…

 

Dare At The Five And Dime – excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR

  I am thirteen 

On Saturdays, my best friend, Renee, and I like going to the shopping center and hanging out. It’s the ‘in’ thing to do. All the really cool kids hang out at the shopping center on Saturday and we want to be cool. Then of course, we like to shop, too. Lots of kids will be walking around talking to each other. It’s great to be out of the house, away from our parents, and on our own for a few hours.

Renee and I take turns spending the night with each other on Friday night. Then one of our parents will take us to the shopping center. This Friday night, I’m staying at Renee’s house. So this Saturday, it’s Renee’s chauffeur, Leonard, who will take us to the shopping center. Renee’s mother is away somewhere in mental hospital. I have never met her mother and people talk in hushed tones whenever she is mentioned.   So her father hired a nice man to drive Renee around.   Leonard is cool. We like him. He doesn’t bug us all the time, like parents can do.

Leonard drops us off at noon on the corner by the ‘Five and Dime’. He says that he’ll be back to pick us up at four o’clock and for us to be at this corner and to be on time.

We have lunch at a department store tea room.   We have our usual – tea sandwiches, soup and shakes. Yummy!   Then we set out to be hanging out and cool.  We walk to the bowling alley. Lots of the really cool kids are there. We walk around the place and talk to our friends. There are some cute boys from another school. We talk to them. Then we go to purchase some items we want. I get a wallet and Renee gets some shoes. It’s fun to shop and get what we want without having parents around.

We head back to the ‘Five and Dime’. It’s getting close to four o’clock. We want to have time to look at some records before Leonard picks us up. We like the ‘45’s’ at the ‘Five and Dime’. We begin looking at the records. Bobby Vee and Paul Anka are two of our favorites.

Renee states, “Lots of the really cool kids steal records.”   I ask, “Who?” She tells me the names of some of the kids that she has heard steal records. I can’t believe they would steal because their families have lots of money. Renee states, “It has nothing to do with money.   It’s just cool to steal records to see if you can get away with it.” She says, “I dare you to steal that record!”

I’m nervous. I don’t know what to do? I want to take her dare. I want to be cool but I don’t want to steal. Stealing is wrong. Renee taunts, “I dare you.” I look around. No one is watching. So I slip the record into my sack.   Renee walks around to another aisle and puts a record into her sack.   We did it!

I’m freaking out scared inside. We walk to the checkout counter because we have some candy we’re going to pay for. We’re standing in the checkout line and a man comes up to me and asks, “Young lady, what do you have in that sack?”

Oh, no!   I’m caught! I’m so scared that I pull out the ‘45’ record and hand it to him.   I say, “I did it because of a dare. I’m sorry! I won’t do it again!” The man turns to Renee and asks, “Do you have anything?” Renee answers, “No! I wouldn’t steal anything.” He turns back to me and orders. “Follow me!” I look at Renee. She says, “I’ve got to go out and meet Leonard. It’s four o’clock. Bye, see you later!”

She’s just leaving me and this whole thing was her idea. I’m terrified!

I follow the man as I do, I turn around and look up to see there’s an office that looks down over the whole store. That’s how, he saw me put the record into my sack. This man is the manager of the store.

I follow the manager up to his office.   Sitting here, I have a view of whole store.

The manager is really mean to me. He takes my purse and goes through it. He says, “Whatelse did you steal? You spoiled, little brat?”

I respond, “I did it on a dare. I’ll never do it again!”   He goes through my sacks. He comments, “You have money, so why are you stealing? You children are spoiled rotten. There are people that really don’t have any money. You steal and you have the money to pay for whatever you want.”

He’s yelling at me. I’m so scared! I’m thinking – I’m going to kill Renee when I see her again.

He says, “I’m tired of you children coming into my store and stealing. I’m going to call the police!” I ask, “Can I call my parents? Please! I need to have them pick me up. My friend has left me.” He says, “Sure she’s left you. She doesn’t want a thief for a friend!”

I’m trembling.   I’m so scared that he’ll call the police and I’ll be put in jail!

He hands me the phone to call my parents. I call over and over again but there’s no answer.   They’re expecting Leonard to bring me home. I’m afraid that if I don’t get my parents on the phone soon. This man will have me taken to jail.

The manager says, “If you’ll tell your father about your stealing, I won’t call the police. Have your father call me first thing Monday morning. So, I can be sure that you told him. If I don’t hear from your father on Monday, I’ll call the police.   They’ll pick you up at your house.”   I promise him that I’ll tell my father.

Finally, my father answers the phone. I say, “I need for you to pick me up.”

The store closes and I go outside to wait on the corner for my father to pick me up. I’m all alone and I feel like a criminal.

When I get into the car my father asks, “What happened I thought Leonard was bringing you home?” “Renee had to leave early.” I respond. Then I bravely tell him the whole story.

He listens to what I tell him then responds. “There’s no reason for you to ever steal.” I answer, “I know, daddy. I’ll never do it again.” Then he says something that I’ll never forget. “What will your mother’s friends in her Bridge club say if they found out? Your mother will be so embarrassed.”

I say, “I promise I’ll never do it again. You’ll need to call the manager at the ‘Five and Dime’ and tell him that I told you what happened or he’s going to put me in jail.”   Daddy said that he would call him on Monday morning. He could see how scared I am.

I plead, “Please, don’t forget or I’ll go jail!”

Daddy says, “They don’t put children in jail. I’ll call him Monday.”

I was so glad to get home and to feel safe.

I called Renee, that little rat! She wanted to hear about everything. She apparently thought that she was super cool because she got away with stealing without being caught. She acted like she thought she was better and smarter than me just because she didn’t get caught.

All I know is that I never did steal anything again ever in my whole life. Some of those ‘cool’ kids did end up in real trouble with the police. Maybe I was lucky in a way for getting caught.

I sure never trusted my friend, Renee again or anything she said.

The obvious awareness is that it is wrong to steal.   Nothing is cool about it. Also, you need to be very careful when you take a dare. An additional awareness is my father along with his concern about my stealing was more concerned with what my mother’s friends would think, if they found out that I had got caught stealing.

As I remembered this incident, I thought it so strange that this would even occur to my father. It made me feel uncomfortable that this would even cross his mind. I thought he would be more concerned with me.   What I had done, why I had done it and my fear of going to jail. I wondered why he would even care what those ladies think.

Then I remember the reason that I took the dare to steal was to be like the others that I thought were ‘cool’. The whole reason I had stolen the record was because of my concern of what others would think of me. I was more concerned with the acceptance of those so-called ‘cool kids’, than I was concerned with what I knew was ‘right and wrong’. I gave up what I knew was the correct way to behave in order to be accepted by others that I felt were doing wrong. Therefore I gave up acceptance of myself to try and be accepted by others.

My awareness is, no one will accept me if I do not accept myself. When I live by my own standards and what I know is right for me is when I will be at peace with myself and able to totally accept myself.

Now I can forgive myself for stealing because I did not understand this yet. I can forgive my friend, Renee because she did not understand this either.

Why do we put so much emphasis on what others’ think when what really matters is what we think of ourselves?

Did you see how quickly my friend turned on me when I got caught and how she acted like she was better than me because she did not get caught?   She was the one that dared me! What others’ think about you can change rapidly.   What I think of myself can remain true.   I honor my mistakes and learn from them.

My awareness is to accept myself, trust myself and to do only what I know is right for me. I do not listen to others before I listen to what I know is right for me in my heart.

When I accept myself totally, I will care less if at all what others’ think. Others will accept me when I accept and honor myself. I will live by my own standards of what I know is right and wrong. No one else influences me nor can decide this for me. I accept myself and know who I am!

For awareness…

 

Don’t Look In This Cabinet…

I am nine…

         Christmas is fast approaching.  Excitement is in the air.  We’ve given our Christmas lists to mom and dad.  They told us that they’ll make sure that Santa Claus gets them. My sisters and I tell mom and dad over and over, reminding them daily of all the things that we want for Christmas.

               I want a Brownie doll, a Girl Scout watch, a bike and a record player.  I want the Girl Scout watch absolutely the most!  I feel as if I’ll be a real grown-up with a watch especially a Girl Scout watch.

               Mother comes home with lots of packages takes them into her room and closes the door.  Later when I check, there is nothing there.  No packages are in her room.  I knew that mom and dad bought some of the gifts and I knew Santa brought some of them.  My younger sisters didn’t know this yet.  I’m three years older than they are.  I know a lot more things than they do.

               I wonder what mom bought.  I’m terribly curious!  One day, I’m snooping around and mother catches me.  She warns, “Don’t go through any closets or cabinets in our room.  If you do, you’ll spoil some surprises.”  I ask her if any of my things are in the cabinets.  I ask specifically about the watch.  She answers, “It’s Christmas. I’m not talking.  Wait and see!  Christmas is about surprises!”

               I didn’t care about surprises. I just had to know!  So one day when I’m sure that mom isn’t around, I climb up to the cabinet where I suspect she has put some of the packages.  I climb up the drawers using them as if they are steps, and crawl into the large cabinet at the top.  I’m very quiet and very careful.  I open all the different sacks and packages.  I find some things I recall my younger sisters asking for. Surely, there’s something for me, too.

Then hooray! I find a Brownie doll and a Girl Scout watch.  I feel excited to know that I’m getting these things especially the Girl Scout watch.  After seeing, the watch I’m totally satisfied and carefully exit the cabinet.   I take great care to put everything back exactly the way I found it.

               I spend the next few days before the arrival of Christmas dreaming of wearing that Girl Scout watch.  How cool I’ll be and feel with it on my wrist.

Then Christmas morning arrives.  We all hurry in to see what Santa Claus has left for us.  With four little girls, there’s a lot of loot – all sorts of toys, games, bicycles in varying sizes and lots of dolls with their accessories.

We decided on Christmas Eve where we wanted Santa to put our gifts. I go to the area where I know my gifts will be.  I see a lot of the things that I had asked for – a bike – a Brownie doll – a record player but no Girl Scout watch.

My heart sank.  I look around at my sisters’ things. Nope. No, Girl Scout watch there.  They’re too little anyway. I don’t think they can even tell time.  But what if it had gotten mixed up in their stuff,  I’d just die if one of my younger sister’s got my watch by mistake.

I’m sure I saw a Girl Scout watch in mom’s cabinet.  That’s the main thing I want. “Oh! Where is it?   I run into my mom’s room.  She’s still in bed.  We got up so early, like five or something.  My mom said she was going to rest a little longer but for us to go on in to see what Santa left.  Daddy was up playing with us and helping with our toys.  But mom was still in bed.  I run into my parents’ bedroom and jump on her side of the bed. I sit beside her. I guess my jumping woke her up.  She opens her eyes and sleepily asks, “Did you get what you wanted from Santa?”  I respond, “Yes, I did – but – um – well…”

               I couldn’t ask her directly about the Girl Scout watch because then she would know.  I had sneaked a look in her cabinet.  I’m scared that maybe God is punishing me for looking in the cabinet and not obeying my mom.  Maybe my mom found out that I’d gone into the cabinet and is punishing me by not giving me the watch. What if she returned it to the store?

I was sure I had put everything back just like I’d found it.  I feel guilty for sneaking and doing what my mom said not to do.  That was why the Girl Scout watch wasn’t there because I am really bad. I’m being punished.  My heart is pounding.  I guess my mom suspected something was wrong because she says, “Go look again, maybe you missed something.”   I race back into the family room.  Toys are everywhere.  My youngest sister is even riding her tricycle in the house.  Daddy is telling her to wait until we go outside but she won’t.  There’s so much activity and mess.  But where’s my Girl Scout watch?  Will I ever find it?  I go over to where Santa placed my things.  I look again and yes! There’s a little box with the Girl Scout name on it.  I open the box and there it is my watch!  I put it on and feel – oh so happy, grown-up, cool and everything else that is good!  I feel as wonderful as any nine-year-old girl can feel with a new bicycle and Girl Scout watch!

You know I really wish that I had listened to my mom and not looked into the cabinet. I did spoil my surprises.  Sometimes, it’s nicer not to know. To let surprises happen especially at Christmas.

What awareness!  As an adult releasing the need to always know the outcome and be in control can be a difficult process.   Allow life to be a surprise.  We do not always need to know the outcome.  Many times, we have no way in the world to control the outcome of situations in our life. Sometimes what you expect or want is not what you get and many times it works out for the best this way. Also sometimes what you really want and are looking for is right in front of your eyes but you can’t see it because you are looking so hard for it or trying to find something else that you think might be better but isn’t.

 Let go and let God!  Trust that what is truly yours will be yours. Release the need to control all situations.  Allow Surprises! Many times what will be will be, no matter how hard you try to know and control the outcome. Relax and go with the flow…

Also it’s interesting that when I did not find my much desired gift, the Girl Scout watch from Santa, I immediately thought the reason was because I was being punished.  That God or my mother was punishing me by not giving me the gift that I wanted the most.  The same belief that most of us have, if something happens ‘bad’ or that we deem is bad, we think we are being punished by a judging and vengeful God.

Where does this automatic response come from?  Is it the religious dogma and Puritan ethics that instill a fear of God? And perhaps, is having that fear, at times might be a good thing? So we are kept on our path with surprises, twists and turns along the way of our journey on earth.

Our memories, why we recall what we do, and how and why we are imprinted with what we are – is what makes us who we are and creates our life. Until we become aware, in  full self-reflection, we will be guided as if on remote  control by imprints and belief systems. When we become aware, we are at choice.

DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – a memoir/self-help –  included is a process to assist in releasing limiting and negative beliefs.

Available in print and e-book on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc or by clicking on link below. May your Christmas season be full of grand memories for awareness, forgiveness, healing and JOY!!!


Books by Ayn



In Part Four of Daddy Throws Me In The Air …

is a process to assist in releasing limiting and negative imprints and emotions. I have used in on the large things in my life to what seems like the simplest…

Excerpt – and example:

Whatever you try to deny or hide from will return in either your mind or body. Much illness is created by buried feelings, emotions, and beliefs that cause stress and fear which wreak havoc in your body.

If you are stuck feeling some emotion such as anger, ask yourself:

– What do you gain by staying stuck?

– What serves you to feel the way that you feel?

– What are the benefits of staying in anger?

– Does it make you feel like you are holding something over someone’s head?

– Does is make you feel like you have more power if you stay in your anger?

– Do you feel temporarily stronger staying in anger?

I have found that when someone stays stuck in an emotion at length, it’s usually because they think that it benefits them in some way. Their thinking this may not be accurate, but it’s one way that they find to cope. It can be used an as excuse to not do this and so. If they hold onto their indignant, self-righteous anger then it keeps the person or situation at bay and they don’t have to deal with the real issues, such as their part in it, their fear, their loss, or that they become aware by self-reflection.  Anger can eat a person up inside, if held too long. It can/may help you to feel stronger for a while to get through something in a limited time frame, but if held too long it will block love and joy.

Anger is there to be felt – looked at, used for healing and awareness then let go. And the way to get through anger is to understand, accept and to forgive. This does not mean to forget, but to forgive. You can still remember as in factually but when you forgive, the emotional charge is gone from your energy and out of your body. Why forgive? Because when the charge, the trigger is gone, you are free. The act of forgiveness opens your internal emotional channels for all else to flow and for you to be able to be filled with pleasant emotions. Nothing will block the flow as intensely as holding onto anger.

If you are holding onto a negative emotion, ask yourself why. How do you benefit from holding onto it? And if you let it go, process through it, what would you lose or what would you gain?

All emotions and the feelings connected to them are worthwhile. The difference is that some carry positive energy and others negative. Let the negative flow through you as quickly as possible. When we are clear of the negative, we are open for the positive to fill us up. Would you rather walk around feeling sad and depressed or happy and content?

 


Books by Ayn



The Christmas Stockings – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me In The Air….

I am eleven or twelve 

I want to make my mom and dad something special.   We all have stockings. They don’t have any. I know I’ll make them the most beautiful Christmas stockings in the whole world. I’ve saved my allowance and have about five dollars. I’m going to the ‘Five and Dime’ to purchase all the items that I will need to make the stockings.

Image result for Photos of Christmas stockingsI spend hours looking at all the decorations. I find some plain red and white stockings. I get glitter, bells, holly and bows – the perfect decorations for the perfect stockings. I have just enough money to get what I need – the stockings, glue, green and gold glitter and the other adornments. I purchase all the stocking ingredients and hurry home to my room to create.

With the glue – scissors – glitter – my work is in progress. First, I spell mom and dad on the white furry part at the top of the stockings with the glue.   Then I sprinkle the glitter on the glue.   WOW! These are going to turn out better than I imagined. Mom and dad will love them and love me for making them. When I’m not working on the stockings, I hide all the stuff under my bed.

My grandmother, NaNa and aunts come to visit.   I show my grandmother the stockings.   She thinks they are beautiful and encourages me. “You’re so creative and sweet to make them for your parents.” I tell her that I need more stuff to put on the stockings and I don’t have any more money.   I can’t ask my Mom for more money because the stockings are a secret. My grandmother gives me some money. When we all go out to do errands, I have the opportunity to secretively buy more decorations for the stockings. They’re turning out so well, better than the ones in the stores. My parents are going to LOVE them!

My mom enters my room unexpectedly and says, “What’s all this mess? You’re making a big mess! I have enough to do with Christmas coming and visitors without all of your mess.”   I respond, “Momma, I’m making a Christmas surprise!” She responds, “I don’t care what you are making. Clean up this mess! You’re getting stuff in the carpet and the maid has just left for the day. CLEAN IT UP!”

I’m upset but think to myself, ‘When she sees what I’ve made, she’ll forget all about the mess. The beautiful Christmas stockings will please her so much’.

A few days later after changing, arranging and letting the glue set, the stockings are ready. My grandmother and aunts think they are beautiful.

I run up the stairs to give them to my mother and father. My mother says, “They’re pretty – but your dad and I don’t need stockings. Santa doesn’t visit us and besides there’s nowhere to put them.”

I don’t remember what my dad said. My heart is broken. I had worked so hard. I wanted to please my parents to give them something from my heart. I wanted their love and attention.

I thought the stockings were pretty and that mattered, too. I thought they would look pretty hanging with all the other stockings, but my mother didn’t think they would. She said that it would be too cluttered. My grandmother said that she loved my stockings. Her saying this made me feel better.

I kept the stockings in my room until it was time to pack up the Christmas decorations.   Then I stuck them in the boxes with all the other decorations.

Many years later – in a different house, we were getting out Christmas decorations and my mother pulled the stockings out of a box. She said, “These are pretty. Wonder where they came from? Let’s hang them on the fireplace hooks”. I said, “I made them mother. I made them for you and daddy. Don’t you remember?”

She had a blank look on her face. I’m not sure if she even heard me but she did put them on the fireplace hooks. She never said a word about whether she remembered me making the stockings or not. I didn’t want to say anything more about the stockings because it hurt me so deeply that she didn’t even remember that I’d made them.

The stockings are hung up every Christmas and no one remembers where they came from or who made them.

But I do! They were made with all the love I had. When I see them I remember. I remember the little girl and how she loved so much and wanted to please and make her parents a gift from her heart. I love that little girl and hold her in my heart forever.

My mother could not – would not acknowledge my love for her.   She did not – could not see or feel the joy and love that I was feeling as I made my gift for her and my dad.

As an adult, I know my mother doesn’t like holidays.   She doesn’t like having extra things to do. She can barely get through her day doing ordinary things. Holidays are just an extra bother for her and she can’t wait until they’re over. She dreads putting up a Christmas tree. She is always stressed and angry in the holiday season. She has no joy!

It’s sad to me because I love the holiday season. I love to decorate the house and putting up the Christmas tree is one of the most joyous things I do at Christmas!

One year, many years later during the holiday season, my mother called to say that my father and she were going to their Yacht for Christmas. She stated that she was so glad because she did not have to deal with all the Christmas stuff. She went on and on about how she was so sick of Christmas. Then she asked me what I was going to do for Christmas.

At the time, I did not have the money to even purchase a tree.   I wanted a tree badly, but it would have been an extravagance for me to get one that year. I answered my mother by saying, “Not much, perhaps, I’ll spend the day with friends.” She asked, “Are you going to put up a tree?” I replied that I did not have the money for a tree. She either didn’t hear me or she just ignored what I said and asked, “Aren’t you going to lots of parties?” I responded, “Sure there are always lots of parties.”

When I hung up the phone, I cried. I thought isn’t it bizarre that a person who wants a tree so badly, can’t afford one? And some people, who can buy anything they want, think Christmas is a bother and it’s too much trouble to put up a tree.

I do understand that all the decorations and celebrations can get over done and that going away on a Yacht is a nice way to spend Christmas, too.

Image result for Photos of Christmas TreesAnother year, after a divorce and I was alone in my house. My ex-husband had moved his grand piano out. I got the biggest Christmas tree that I could find and placed it in the corner where the grand piano once was. It took me days to decorate the tree, pulling a ladder around it the higher I went up to place the ornaments on the tree. After it was completed, it was fabulous! I would turn the lights on and lay under the tree as if I was a child. I cherish this Christmas memory!

I love the holidays, but some negative feelings come up. I don’t like to give gifts to my parents because I never feel that they like what I give them. It feels good to give to them because I love them, but I feel they are critical of whatever it is that I give. They are critical of what I give them just like they are critical of everything about me. My mother is always so full of stress at the holiday season that she can’t enjoy and truly see all the love that is trying to be expressed.

I believe the best thing about Christmas is the love that it gives us for the opportunity to express – the giving of love and remembrance of the birthday of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…

For the gift of awareness leading to healing…


Books by Ayn



Shopping in my own closet…

When I was a young person in my twenties, going to college and living at my parents,  I went to classes, shopped and socialized. I loved fashion. I was pretty much a fashionista, needing a different couturier, designer dress or outfit for every date or occasion. If we were going to the lake, I needed a new swimsuit, cover-up and shorts outfit. This was in the time, when women really dressed. We wore dresses and heels to most all functions and kept our bodies fit in order to be able to wear the structured clothing . The way  I fit in and looked in whichever designer dress I wore was the most important aspect of my life – my silhouette must be sleek. What I wore mattered to the max and I  had to have just the ‘right’ outfit – look the best –  make an entrance – with all eyes looking for what ‘I’ would be wearing.  It was part of who I was   – it was my image and I had to keep it up – no matter how time consuming, costly or tedious it was to do so.

I was dating a college man two years older than myself. He was in Air Force ROTC , was getting ready to graduate and enter flight school. So, not only were there his dances and luncheons to attend at the General’s house, etc, but my social functions –  arts, ballet, etc.

I was a fortunate young lady with permission and authority to charge whatever I wanted to my parent’s accounts.  I was a  young society daughter of a wealthy man. I had a long walk-in closet full of clothes, shoes and bags. It was the beginning of spring and I spent hours at all the upscale shops selecting, trying on and purchasing clothes. When at home, I would have my head buried in Vogue, Town and Country,  Image result for Vogue circa 19 75and other fashion mags to see what to wear where and who was wearing what.

One afternoon, I was in a shop on the hunt for the perfect dress for a luncheon and found one. I asked the store manager to please charge it. She returned to tell me that my mother had closed my privilege to charge and that I needed to speak with her and they would be happy to hold the dress, until they heard further from me. You see, I was a well-known and valued patron.

Mortified, but calmly and with authority I stated, ” It must be a mistake. I will talk to mom and get back with you.”

When I returned home  – “Mother, I found a dress I liked and they said that you stopped my ability to charge. Why?! What is going on? I need that dress!  I have nothing to wear!”

Her reply, “You have a closet full of clothes. I think you can get through the summer without buying another thing. At the end of the summer, we will talk about it.”

In horror, What?!  You must be kidding! I have absolutely nothing to wear! Nothing! Do you want  me to look awful?  Do you want me to wear some old rag?” As I think, ‘That’s really it. She wants me to look terrible and have nothing to wear.’ You see, my mother and I never got along. I state, “I will ask Daddy, he will let me get it.”

Her reply, “Your father and I made this  decision together. You have  a closet full of beautiful clothes .”

Truth is I had everything any girl my age could ever want or dream of but I didn’t think or realize that then – I just wanted more. I had clothes from all the designers  of the day – Calvin Klein, Mollie Parnis,, Adele Simpson, Alpert Nipon, Chanel, Dior – a closet full of  Image result for photos of a dark haired woman in designer apparelbeautiful clothing in fabulous fabrications and styles. But that didn’t matter because I must have this particular dress because it was the perfect dress and by owning it then I would feel and be ‘perfect’.  This dress would complete me.

Instead, I found myself struck mortified in a young woman’s fashion dilemma of alternatively wanting, inability to purchase and  shame to be without. I went to my room petrified of a summer ahead with NO new clothes.  I wondered could I live that long with nothing new to wear. I  sat on my bed  and pondered as I  looked towards the entrance of my closet. Then I arose and entered it. I started going through the racks of clothing. I was amazed. I had clothes and clothes that I didn’t  even realize I had and they were great. Cuter than the dress that I wanted and thought I needed.   I plotted my revenge, ‘I’ll show my cruel and hateful mother. I will create outfits out of what I have and will look better than ever. I will show her!’ And so I did.

I began to love being shoppingly creative in my own closet. I had a great summer and felt like I wore the perfect outfit to every occasion.  Actually, I felt like there was a weight off my shoulders –  a monkey off my back – the weight of feeling the need and drive to shop and to continually have something new and different –  left me that summer.

That summer was a big lesson that taught me much. You need much less than you think you do. And if you keep buying new, you will miss out on what you already have. I had incredible clothing in my closet, but I just kept pushing them to the back to fit in the new.  I lost some of my desire to shop after summer – well, of course, not entirely  and not at all times, ( I can still get into that shopping mode at times) but…I learned to use what I have, to stop thinking I always need more or new  in order to feel satisfied – that a new something or other changes little to nothing – once the newness wears off, it’s back to square one looking for something else new for the momentary rush, thrill and excitement.  Sometimes, what you already have is better than what you think you need to attain.

Side bar – Sure young people get into fashion neediness, thinking if they don’t wear a certain item that they won’t be cool and accepted. Advertisers and those who drive fashion know this.  That is why fashion and styles change, from long skirts to short, high heels to flat. Your eye gets used to seeing a new look and then to desire it. It’s marketing at its finest con.  I wish more people were focused on ‘real fashion’ today. When the ‘Flower Children’ made their entrance with their sloppy jeans and tee shirts,  it seems the world continued to lose some of its fashion elegance and now we are falling into bizarre.  Many people seem to have lost pride in their appearance and don’t know what appropriateness is regarding clothing. Perhaps, with the Trumps in the White House, elegance and taste will make a return.

Awarenesses gleaned from that summer of no shopping:

Fashion is fun. Shopping is fun! But not fulfilling for long.

The dress doesn’t make you – you make the dress. A garment doesn’t make you perfect… you make you – ‘YOU’ Who you are inside makes you – ‘YOU’ – Not some garment or item.

What is that great old saying?  You think the grass is greener but it isn’t and this applies to so many things in life.

How about become aware and focus on the art of shopping in your own closet in every area of your life…

A gift of awareness…


Books by Ayn



THANKSGIVING – Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR

Mid-thirties… 

My entire family is seated around the table in the dining room. The table is filled with turkey and all the trimmings. Dad opened a special bottle of wine. It’s a joyful family celebration. Before we begin eating, we go around the table and each one of us states what we are thankful for.

Then we dig into our Thanksgiving feast. One of us girls makes the suggestion that we reveal the worst thing that we did and got away with when we were living at home with our parents. That our parents didn’t know about.  After all, we were all living in our own homes now, so what could Mom and Dad do – ground us?

I don’t recall which one suggested it or who went first or what anyone confessed to, but when it was my turn.

“When I was fifteen and had just gotten my driver’s permit, it was a Friday night and Mom and Dad went out for the evening. I had a friend over spending the night and we were babysitting my little sisters. We watched movies popped popcorn then got bored and were looking for some excitement and adventure. It was a cold wintery night and there was a bit of snow and ice on the streets but even so, my friend and I decided that it would be fun to take the car out for a drive.”

Mother gasps. “What? I don’t believe you would even think to do such a thing!” She glances across the table at my Father.

He says, “Go on finish the story.”

I continue. “Well believe it, mother. Because after we had done our usual Friday night fun, we were ready for some real adventure. So we talked about loading all the kids in the back seat of Dad’s car then driving around the neighborhood.” I glance at Mom and she shakes her head in disbelief.

I continue, “Really Mom!”

She replies. “I don’t believe you. You are making this up just to shock us.”

I continue, “No, I’m not. We talked about doing it. Changed our minds then we decided to go ahead and do it. The little girls jumped up and down and begged that we do. So we loaded all the kids wearing their pajamas into the backseat of Dad’s car. I got behind the wheel. My friend sat shot gun and off we went. We went driving around the hills of our neighborhood in the dark when there was a bit of ice and snow on the streets. We drove around for a while just fine and it was fun. Then, in an instant we hit an ice patch and the car slid a bit off the road. I’m scared but everyone else thought it was fun and were squealing with excitement and laughter. One of the car’s tires got stuck in some mud. I gunned the car and it didn’t move. I am freaking out inside, but try not to show it. Now everyone else is, too. The little girls are screaming that they want to go home and they are cold. So I gun it again and thankfully, am able pull the car back out onto the street. I drive the car down to the end of the hill, turn around and head back up to our house. I pulled in the driveway and was very careful to park Dad’s car in the exact place where it had been. Then we all get out with excitement and full of exhilaration at what we just did and run into the warm house with everyone exclaiming how much fun it was. Everyone promised not to tell you.” I look at Mom and Dad. “And I guess no one did.” I look into Mom’s face, “And you and Dad never knew or suspected that we did that?”

Mother exclaims, “No and I don’t believe that you did. You were too mindful and good. You were the most obedient child. You never would have done something like that and I don’t believe that you did. You are just making this up to shock us. You were too good and responsible. You never would have done something like that!”

My sisters chime in. “Well, we did it!” It happened!”

Dad says, “Well son of a bitch! No! We sure didn’t know!” He laughs, “You little devils! You are all grounded!”

And everyone laughed.

My awareness is that as a child, my mother always told me how bad I am and how I ruined everything. Now, when I confessed to something I did that was dangerous, irresponsible and bad, she didn’t believe me. Even said, I was making it up because I was too good and responsible. I was stunned, talk about confusing and conflicting messages.

Then I have awareness and understand how much both my parent’s relied on me and had confidence in me. And I fulfilled what they expected of me on most every occasion. Therefore, when I confessed to a time that I didn’t do as they expected, Mother didn’t believe it.

The truth is that I was most always overly good and responsible. And Mother never told me or thanked me when I was being so. She just expected it of me. Thinking back to this makes me angry until I understand that because of my Mother’s issues, I had to be just as I was, responsible and good. I was placed to be so.

But still it felt crazy and confusing and made me feel conflicted inside to hear my mother state that she did not believe it when I was confessing something bad that I did. It also made me realize just as I had thought that I was a kind, caring, good and an overly responsible child. I am proud that I was so, even though it wasn’t fair that I carry such burden and responsibility as a child. Only doing so taught me much and prepared me for life.

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Books by Ayn



Pimple On My Nose – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me In The Air

I am fifteen

I am enjoying visiting with Dad in the kitchen about everyday things. “Hey Tiger, you look cute today.”

Surprised, “I do? Thank you, Daddy!” I was going through the blahs being a teenager and usually felt like I looked icky. So for Dad to tell me that I looked cute made me feel great!

Dad continues, “But you have a pimple on your nose.”

Hearing Dad comment about the pimple on my nose devastated me. I had tried hard to cover it up. It was one of those hulking red terrible ones and it had to be on my nose. It was just horrendous, a complete headlight of embarrassment.

Dad continues, “Did you realize that you had a pimple on your nose, and a big one!”

“Yes, Daddy I did.” Sarcastically, “Thank you, for reminding me.”

“Aren’t you going to do something about it?”

“Yes, I am.” Then I quickly exit the kitchen to my bathroom to look at and work on the pimple on my nose.

So instead of Dad and I having a nice conversation, he pointed out a flaw in me that not only embarrassed me but shut down our communication.  Dad often did that, pointed out a flaw. He would compliment me then take it away in the next breath.

This created in me the feeling that I was never okay and certainly, never close to perfect. And that I must be perfect so that I would not be criticized in some form or another. I became so aware of every little flaw that I didn’t need someone to point them out because I did it myself continually in my mind.

Okay, you know those hard pimples that when you poke a hole in them with a pin, sanitized with alcohol of course, then squeeze and clear liquid and blood comes out? Then the next day, they are full of white pus. They are red, painful and awful and you need to work on them a couple of days – layer by layer, squeezing, applying peroxide and alcohol then repeating the process to fully release the yuck inside of them. Well, releasing poisonous imprints, perceptions and belief systems are the same thing and take the same repeated process. Poke it with a pin and it hurts. Squeeze and a bit of relief then repeat again and again until all the nasty poisonous pus is released. Then and only then will the wound created by the pimple heal itself so that the skin is back to normal and is healthy.

Same as with the fractured part of your being that has been imprinted with negative and poisonous imprints. When these imprints are recalled or triggered, it’s not until all the pus is out that the wound can close over and fully heal. Otherwise, it’s left with poisonous pus to fester and will come back again and again.

It’s also interesting that while the pimple is there that it’s the only thing I can see when I look into the mirror. It stands out to be seen. First thing in the morning, I look at it to see if it’s still there or if it’s healing and less noticeable. I do this many times throughout the day and before I go to sleep at night.  I think about it often when it’s there, then when it heals I completely forget that it had ever been there. That is how we are with most things. When something is irritating us, bothering us, needs our attention, we focus on it as if it runs our life. This is how negative imprints, perceptions and beliefs control us. Until they are seen, understood, accepted and forgiven they control us. Those imprints will continue to bother us until they are recognized because that is their nature and purpose.

My skin is olive and is oily. I suffered and suffer with pimples at times, but the good thing is that oily skin is not prone to dryness and wrinkling like other skin types. So like most everything in life, there is a minus and a plus because we are on the planet of dualities – good and bad – negative and positive. It just depends on where you are at any given time and how you look at it.

As I age, I am happy that I have oily skin. But I still get embarrassed and hate it when I get a pimple and especially on my nose. Because it’s like a sign flashing that I am not perfect. Ha! But I have learned to love myself even though I am not perfect. Just as God loves us all and knows that we are not perfect. But in our imperfection, there is perfection.

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Books by Ayn



Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

Image result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun Shooting At Logs In A Pond…

Adult

I am divorced and living in my house alone. I loved being alone in my house. But one night, late at night, while in bed I heard the fence gate at the side of the house squeak open. I jumped up and looked out the side windows of the house. I heard more noises. As I turned on the outside lights to the side of the yard, I dialed 911. I went back into my bedroom, closed the door and kept the 911 operator on the phone until the police arrived.

The police looked all over. No door or window was tampered with but when they came in from the back yard, they told me that the gate to the right of the house was open. There were footsteps on the side yard and in my backyard. They said that when I turned the outside lights on, it must have scared whoever it was away. I was freaked out. So I turned on all the outside lights to flood the yard and kept them on the rest of the night. The policemen inquired if I had a gun for protection.  My answer was no. The police patrolled and watched my street and neighborhood for the rest of that night.

The next day, I called Dad to tell him what had occurred.

Dad said, “I’m going to pick you up. We are going to the ranch. You need to learn how to shoot a gun for your protection.”

At our ranch, Dad drove the truck far out to a back pond where he showed me how to load and to shoot a gun. I practiced by aiming and shooting at logs in the pond. It was so fun! I found that I was a good shot. Dad was impressed.  I loved practicing so much that I wore my dad out. I didn’t want to stop. Dad sat in the truck while I stood nearby, shooting at log after log. Dad did place some beer cans on tree stumps for me to also practice on. But my favorite was to shoot the logs in the pond. I was able to hit my mark most every time.

I noticed that Dad looked at me in pride as I was having fun practicing my aim. Dad and I could have such a good time, just the two of us. We had much in common. We enjoyed learning, striving to master skills and new adventures. I loved the tomboy side of me and so did Dad.

Driving across our land back to the ranch house, “Well Tiger, from the looks of it, I’d say that you could hit someone dead on if they were coming at you. The best strategy is, if you hear someone in your house – get your gun, cock it, get down behind your bed, face and aim at the bedroom door. If you see someone at your door, shoot them in the legs. Immediately after, shoot them in the torso. Shoot to kill. If they are in your house and in your bedroom, they are there to hurt you, so hurt them first.

“But Dad, I don’t know if I could really shoot at someone to hurt them – to kill them?”

“Hell Tiger, are you kidding? If someone is in your house and entering your bedroom, you shoot to kill. Do you hear me? It’s either you or them by that point! And of course, call 911! But don’t be weak and let someone get too close to you, so they can overpower you. You hear me? Shoot to kill!”

“Yes Dad, I understand.”

“Here keep this gun, it’s yours. Keep it beside your bed.”

I respond, “Okay. Thank you.”

Dad continues, “When we get back to the house, I will give you more ammunition for it. Keep it loaded, but with the safety on.”

Dad spent time at length teaching and watching me load and unload the gun, taking the safety off and putting it on. I loved learning. Dad had many guns of all types both at our in town residence and at our ranch.  Knowing how and being able to shoot a gun, when and if I ever needed to protect myself gave me a secure feeling.

That is part of what a Dad does, teaches you to protect yourself physically. Thank you Dad!

Emotionally, Dad taught me some about how to protect myself butImage result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun also left me open to be taken advantage of and to be overpowered. He didn’t do this intentionally. He did it unknowingly. His way of relating to me taught me that I was above most others in the world, but not good enough for him which served to confuse and fracture me internally. At times, I felt better than others then my self-esteem would crash and I felt like I was not good enough.

When you don’t feel good enough and not equal to others, you can flip from feeling better than others to not feeling good enough. This means you are not in balance and not feeling ‘equal to’. It creates up and downs and insecurity at times, then over valuation at others – which is an imbalance in the belief system that leaves a person fractured internally. While they may appear outwardly arrogant at times, they feel weak and insecure at others. This is done to compensate for not feeling equal to others. And this is how my dad related and what he created in me.

Had he been aware, he would have taught me to protect myself emotionally as vigorously as he had taught me to protect myself physically. But did he really and fully know how to do this? He was passing down to me the way that he internally coped and it became imprinted – until I became aware that I am equal to all others, not better than or less than but equal to.

Available now in soft cover and e-book:  Concerning e-book – let me know which application –  e-pub or Mobi for Kindle.

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Books by Ayn



It’s bumpy and I am scared! ….

It’s Bumpy And I Am Scared!

I am eight

We are on our way to Florida for a family vacation. I am sitting beside Daddy on the airplane. The little girls are sitting somewhere behind us with Mommy.  The airplane is bouncing up and down lots and way too much for my comfort. I feel as if I could throw-up any minute and if I did that, I would be so embarrassed because I am eight-years-old and not a baby.  But it’s really, really bumpy and I’m really, really scared.

I am trying to act grown up, but I get so frightened that I can’t anymore and I turn to Daddy, “I’m scared, Daddy. Why is the airplane bouncing so much? I feel like I could throw up!” He responds, “It’s okay Tiger, airplanes are meant to withstand turbulence.” “But -but, Daddy, I feel sick to my stomach.” “Here’s an airbag, hold onto it just in case you need to throw up.” I take the bag and hold it tightly in my lap while trying very hard to not be afraid.  Then the airplane bounces up high then down low as my stomach does the same. “Daddy, Daddy! Is the plane going to crash?” “No, everything is fine. The airplane is doing what it’s supposed to do. It is built to withstand turbulence.”  “Okay Daddy, but I am still scared.” The plane bounces roughly again. I grab hold of Daddy’s arm, “Daddy!”  “Okay, Tiger, remember when we were fishing that time and your Mother caught a fish and when she reeled it in and it flip flopped inside the boat, how she jumped up, screamed and almost turned the boat over?” I laughed, “Yes, I do, Daddy and it was so funny!” Daddy kept telling me stories, real and made up, one after another, until the plane touched down in Miami. He kept my mind off the turbulence, off my fear and off my needing to throw-up. He kept me focused and even laughing and enjoying myself.

Even at the age of eight, while this was the perfect distraction, I knew what he was doing. And as I knew this, I loved him so very much for his doing of it.  I love the memory of sitting beside my dad when I was scared riding in turbulence in an airplane and he told me story after story to keep my mind off my fear. So clearly, your mind, even while in intense fear can be distracted and occupied in order that you stay out of fear and in control, relaxed and in present time. Daddy taught me this by example, when I was eight-years-old that to occupy my mind with funny and interesting things and the fear will dissipate.  I love you Daddy for this lesson, thank you!

I recall this imprint of awareness as often as need be. If when emotional, you flip into your thinking brain, it will alleviate or may even clear the emotion. Being more in the analytical side of your brain will bring you into present time – to be in the moment and out of the emotion of fear or the anticipation of fear and the ‘what if’s’.  When I am in stress, emotional pain, fear, anticipation or dread, I will oftentimes, do a task, such as clean my house, workout, focus on something physical and or mental that will pull me out of my feelings and emotions. Doing this gives me release to either work through the issue, come back to it refreshed, put it more into perspective or to release it completely. Staying and being in present time puts most things into perspective.  It’s the anticipation of fear of the future and or anticipation of the ‘what if’s’ or the negatives that messes us up and freezes us in emotional fear.  Of course we need to prepare for the future and the ‘what if’s’ in life as best that we can, but some things we have no control over or won’t know until they happen. As human beings, we are vulnerable at times. Some things are out of our control.  So it’s better to live happy and positive and turn it over to God.