Tag Archives: Christmas

Inspirational/Spiritual, Self-help, Women In Real Life

Don’t Look In This Cabinet…

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I am nine…

         Christmas is fast approaching.  Excitement is in the air.  We’ve given our Christmas lists to mom and dad.  They told us that they’ll make sure that Santa Claus gets them. My sisters and I tell mom and dad over and over, reminding them daily of all the things that we want for Christmas.

               I want a Brownie doll, a Girl Scout watch, a bike and a record player.  I want the Girl Scout watch absolutely the most!  I feel as if I’ll be a real grown-up with a watch especially a Girl Scout watch.

               Mother comes home with lots of packages takes them into her room and closes the door.  Later when I check, there is nothing there.  No packages are in her room.  I knew that mom and dad bought some of the gifts and I knew Santa brought some of them.  My younger sisters didn’t know this yet.  I’m three years older than they are.  I know a lot more things than they do.

               I wonder what mom bought.  I’m terribly curious!  One day, I’m snooping around and mother catches me.  She warns, “Don’t go through any closets or cabinets in our room.  If you do, you’ll spoil some surprises.”  I ask her if any of my things are in the cabinets.  I ask specifically about the watch.  She answers, “It’s Christmas. I’m not talking.  Wait and see!  Christmas is about surprises!”

               I didn’t care about surprises. I just had to know!  So one day when I’m sure that mom isn’t around, I climb up to the cabinet where I suspect she has put some of the packages.  I climb up the drawers using them as if they are steps, and crawl into the large cabinet at the top.  I’m very quiet and very careful.  I open all the different sacks and packages.  I find some things I recall my younger sisters asking for. Surely, there’s something for me, too.

Then hooray! I find a Brownie doll and a Girl Scout watch.  I feel excited to know that I’m getting these things especially the Girl Scout watch.  After seeing, the watch I’m totally satisfied and carefully exit the cabinet.   I take great care to put everything back exactly the way I found it.

               I spend the next few days before the arrival of Christmas dreaming of wearing that Girl Scout watch.  How cool I’ll be and feel with it on my wrist.

Then Christmas morning arrives.  We all hurry in to see what Santa Claus has left for us.  With four little girls, there’s a lot of loot – all sorts of toys, games, bicycles in varying sizes and lots of dolls with their accessories.

We decided on Christmas Eve where we wanted Santa to put our gifts. I go to the area where I know my gifts will be.  I see a lot of the things that I had asked for – a bike – a Brownie doll – a record player but no Girl Scout watch.

My heart sank.  I look around at my sisters’ things. Nope. No, Girl Scout watch there.  They’re too little anyway. I don’t think they can even tell time.  But what if it had gotten mixed up in their stuff,  I’d just die if one of my younger sister’s got my watch by mistake.

I’m sure I saw a Girl Scout watch in mom’s cabinet.  That’s the main thing I want. “Oh! Where is it?   I run into my mom’s room.  She’s still in bed.  We got up so early, like five or something.  My mom said she was going to rest a little longer but for us to go on in to see what Santa left.  Daddy was up playing with us and helping with our toys.  But mom was still in bed.  I run into my parents’ bedroom and jump on her side of the bed. I sit beside her. I guess my jumping woke her up.  She opens her eyes and sleepily asks, “Did you get what you wanted from Santa?”  I respond, “Yes, I did – but – um – well…”

               I couldn’t ask her directly about the Girl Scout watch because then she would know.  I had sneaked a look in her cabinet.  I’m scared that maybe God is punishing me for looking in the cabinet and not obeying my mom.  Maybe my mom found out that I’d gone into the cabinet and is punishing me by not giving me the watch. What if she returned it to the store?

I was sure I had put everything back just like I’d found it.  I feel guilty for sneaking and doing what my mom said not to do.  That was why the Girl Scout watch wasn’t there because I am really bad. I’m being punished.  My heart is pounding.  I guess my mom suspected something was wrong because she says, “Go look again, maybe you missed something.”   I race back into the family room.  Toys are everywhere.  My youngest sister is even riding her tricycle in the house.  Daddy is telling her to wait until we go outside but she won’t.  There’s so much activity and mess.  But where’s my Girl Scout watch?  Will I ever find it?  I go over to where Santa placed my things.  I look again and yes! There’s a little box with the Girl Scout name on it.  I open the box and there it is my watch!  I put it on and feel – oh so happy, grown-up, cool and everything else that is good!  I feel as wonderful as any nine-year-old girl can feel with a new bicycle and Girl Scout watch!

You know I really wish that I had listened to my mom and not looked into the cabinet. I did spoil my surprises.  Sometimes, it’s nicer not to know. To let surprises happen especially at Christmas.

What awareness!  As an adult releasing the need to always know the outcome and be in control can be a difficult process.   Allow life to be a surprise.  We do not always need to know the outcome.  Many times, we have no way in the world to control the outcome of situations in our life. Sometimes what you expect or want is not what you get and many times it works out for the best this way. Also sometimes what you really want and are looking for is right in front of your eyes but you can’t see it because you are looking so hard for it or trying to find something else that you think might be better but isn’t.

 Let go and let God!  Trust that what is truly yours will be yours. Release the need to control all situations.  Allow Surprises! Many times what will be will be, no matter how hard you try to know and control the outcome. Relax and go with the flow…

Also it’s interesting that when I did not find my much desired gift, the Girl Scout watch from Santa, I immediately thought the reason was because I was being punished.  That God or my mother was punishing me by not giving me the gift that I wanted the most.  The same belief that most of us have, if something happens ‘bad’ or that we deem is bad, we think we are being punished by a judging and vengeful God.

Where does this automatic response come from?  Is it the religious dogma and Puritan ethics that instill a fear of God? And perhaps, is having that fear, at times might be a good thing? So we are kept on our path with surprises, twists and turns along the way of our journey on earth.

Our memories, why we recall what we do, and how and why we are imprinted with what we are – is what makes us who we are and creates our life. Until we become aware, in  full self-reflection, we will be guided as if on remote  control by imprints and belief systems. When we become aware, we are at choice.

DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – a memoir/self-help –  included is a process to assist in releasing limiting and negative beliefs.

Available in print and e-book on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc or by clicking on link below. May your Christmas season be full of grand memories for awareness, forgiveness, healing and JOY!!!


Books by Ayn



Inspirational/Spiritual, Self-help, Women In Real Life

The Christmas Stockings – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me In The Air….

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I am eleven or twelve 

I want to make my mom and dad something special.   We all have stockings. They don’t have any. I know I’ll make them the most beautiful Christmas stockings in the whole world. I’ve saved my allowance and have about five dollars. I’m going to the ‘Five and Dime’ to purchase all the items that I will need to make the stockings.

Image result for Photos of Christmas stockingsI spend hours looking at all the decorations. I find some plain red and white stockings. I get glitter, bells, holly and bows – the perfect decorations for the perfect stockings. I have just enough money to get what I need – the stockings, glue, green and gold glitter and the other adornments. I purchase all the stocking ingredients and hurry home to my room to create.

With the glue – scissors – glitter – my work is in progress. First, I spell mom and dad on the white furry part at the top of the stockings with the glue.   Then I sprinkle the glitter on the glue.   WOW! These are going to turn out better than I imagined. Mom and dad will love them and love me for making them. When I’m not working on the stockings, I hide all the stuff under my bed.

My grandmother, NaNa and aunts come to visit.   I show my grandmother the stockings.   She thinks they are beautiful and encourages me. “You’re so creative and sweet to make them for your parents.” I tell her that I need more stuff to put on the stockings and I don’t have any more money.   I can’t ask my Mom for more money because the stockings are a secret. My grandmother gives me some money. When we all go out to do errands, I have the opportunity to secretively buy more decorations for the stockings. They’re turning out so well, better than the ones in the stores. My parents are going to LOVE them!

My mom enters my room unexpectedly and says, “What’s all this mess? You’re making a big mess! I have enough to do with Christmas coming and visitors without all of your mess.”   I respond, “Momma, I’m making a Christmas surprise!” She responds, “I don’t care what you are making. Clean up this mess! You’re getting stuff in the carpet and the maid has just left for the day. CLEAN IT UP!”

I’m upset but think to myself, ‘When she sees what I’ve made, she’ll forget all about the mess. The beautiful Christmas stockings will please her so much’.

A few days later after changing, arranging and letting the glue set, the stockings are ready. My grandmother and aunts think they are beautiful.

I run up the stairs to give them to my mother and father. My mother says, “They’re pretty – but your dad and I don’t need stockings. Santa doesn’t visit us and besides there’s nowhere to put them.”

I don’t remember what my dad said. My heart is broken. I had worked so hard. I wanted to please my parents to give them something from my heart. I wanted their love and attention.

I thought the stockings were pretty and that mattered, too. I thought they would look pretty hanging with all the other stockings, but my mother didn’t think they would. She said that it would be too cluttered. My grandmother said that she loved my stockings. Her saying this made me feel better.

I kept the stockings in my room until it was time to pack up the Christmas decorations.   Then I stuck them in the boxes with all the other decorations.

Many years later – in a different house, we were getting out Christmas decorations and my mother pulled the stockings out of a box. She said, “These are pretty. Wonder where they came from? Let’s hang them on the fireplace hooks”. I said, “I made them mother. I made them for you and daddy. Don’t you remember?”

She had a blank look on her face. I’m not sure if she even heard me but she did put them on the fireplace hooks. She never said a word about whether she remembered me making the stockings or not. I didn’t want to say anything more about the stockings because it hurt me so deeply that she didn’t even remember that I’d made them.

The stockings are hung up every Christmas and no one remembers where they came from or who made them.

But I do! They were made with all the love I had. When I see them I remember. I remember the little girl and how she loved so much and wanted to please and make her parents a gift from her heart. I love that little girl and hold her in my heart forever.

My mother could not – would not acknowledge my love for her.   She did not – could not see or feel the joy and love that I was feeling as I made my gift for her and my dad.

As an adult, I know my mother doesn’t like holidays.   She doesn’t like having extra things to do. She can barely get through her day doing ordinary things. Holidays are just an extra bother for her and she can’t wait until they’re over. She dreads putting up a Christmas tree. She is always stressed and angry in the holiday season. She has no joy!

It’s sad to me because I love the holiday season. I love to decorate the house and putting up the Christmas tree is one of the most joyous things I do at Christmas!

One year, many years later during the holiday season, my mother called to say that my father and she were going to their Yacht for Christmas. She stated that she was so glad because she did not have to deal with all the Christmas stuff. She went on and on about how she was so sick of Christmas. Then she asked me what I was going to do for Christmas.

At the time, I did not have the money to even purchase a tree.   I wanted a tree badly, but it would have been an extravagance for me to get one that year. I answered my mother by saying, “Not much, perhaps, I’ll spend the day with friends.” She asked, “Are you going to put up a tree?” I replied that I did not have the money for a tree. She either didn’t hear me or she just ignored what I said and asked, “Aren’t you going to lots of parties?” I responded, “Sure there are always lots of parties.”

When I hung up the phone, I cried. I thought isn’t it bizarre that a person who wants a tree so badly, can’t afford one? And some people, who can buy anything they want, think Christmas is a bother and it’s too much trouble to put up a tree.

I do understand that all the decorations and celebrations can get over done and that going away on a Yacht is a nice way to spend Christmas, too.

Image result for Photos of Christmas TreesAnother year, after a divorce and I was alone in my house. My ex-husband had moved his grand piano out. I got the biggest Christmas tree that I could find and placed it in the corner where the grand piano once was. It took me days to decorate the tree, pulling a ladder around it the higher I went up to place the ornaments on the tree. After it was completed, it was fabulous! I would turn the lights on and lay under the tree as if I was a child. I cherish this Christmas memory!

I love the holidays, but some negative feelings come up. I don’t like to give gifts to my parents because I never feel that they like what I give them. It feels good to give to them because I love them, but I feel they are critical of whatever it is that I give. They are critical of what I give them just like they are critical of everything about me. My mother is always so full of stress at the holiday season that she can’t enjoy and truly see all the love that is trying to be expressed.

I believe the best thing about Christmas is the love that it gives us for the opportunity to express – the giving of love and remembrance of the birthday of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…

For the gift of awareness leading to healing…


Books by Ayn