Category Archives: Women In Real Life

My Last Halloween – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me in the Air..

  • My Last Halloween

 I am thirteen

I have to take all of my younger sisters, ‘trick or treating’.   What a drag! Well, I guess I can get all dressed up like a ‘beatnik’ or something. Then maybe, it won’t be all that boring.  Halloween is on a school night and mother will not let me go to my friend’s house. I have to stay at home.

Image result for Pictures of Children on trick or treatingI love Halloween! I like to run around in the dark with my friends. I especially like it when it’s cold and windy. When the weather is like that, Halloween is really haunting. It’s fun to scare yourself by pretending a monster is after you.

This might be my last Halloween because I’m getting older. I’m getting too old to ‘trick or treat’ with my younger sisters. I wish I didn’t have to take them around the neighborhood house to house, but I’ll make the most of it. I’ll dress up and get candy too. I feel tall and awkward. I grew fast or something because all of a sudden I’m taller than everyone. I’ll just stand in the back of the group. That way no one will notice me.

Everyone is ready and it’s beginning to get dark. So off we go! The wind is blowing and it’s cold outside. It’s a perfect Halloween! The wind is howling in the trees. The leaves on the trees are making rustling sounds.   It’s all so spooky and fun, I love it  We go from house to house, up and down the streets. Our neighborhood has lots of hills which makes it even more fun and scary.

After being out for about an hour and a half walking up and down the hills, we’re heading back to our house. It’s getting late and everyone is getting tired. We have three more houses to go before we’re back at our house. The house that we’re going to next is real pretty. It sits on the other corner opposite from ours and has a bridge to walk across to get to it. It’s fun to walk over the bridge. The lady who lives there appears nice. I’ve seen her driving her car in the neighborhood. She’s pretty and friendly. It’ll be fun going to her house. I think she has some sons around my age or maybe, older.

We run across the bridge and go up to the front door. We ring the door bell and yell, “Trick or Treat!” The lady comes to the door and looks us all over. She comments about all the little children’s costumes and says how cute or scary they look. Then she looks up at me and turns up her nose. She makes a sarcastic comment about the fact that I’m too old to be ‘trick or treating’. She comments, “You’re a bit tall aren’t you? Don’t you think you’re too old to be ‘trick or treating’?   You’re taking candy away from the cute little ones. It’s horrible how you older children ruin the holiday for the children.” Hearing this coming out of her mouth is my worst fear. I feel so uncomfortable, I could die. I am tall for my age, five foot three and very thin. What this woman said to me and the way she said it, cut right through me.   I felt embarrassed, awkward and wanted to crawl into a hole. I told her that I was taking my little sisters out, but she shot me a dirty look. I felt like I had committed a crime by the way this woman looked at and spoke to me.   Then she said, “If you are only taking your sisters out, why did you take the candy and why do you have a candy sack?”

I wanted out and away from her fast. I didn’t respond to her and told everyone to hurry up that we are going home. I wouldn’t

Image result for Photos of pumpkins and Halloween candy

let my sisters go to more houses after that experience. When we got into our house, all my younger sisters got their pajamas on and then poured all their candy out on the floor in their bedrooms.

I went downstairs to my room and took a shower.   I felt ugly and dirty after the way that lady had spoken to me. What she said and the way that she said it, hurt my feelings into my heart. I already felt awkward and weird about my appearance and all the changes of the new school and the new neighborhood. To hear those critical words come out of her mouth, when I was doing as my parents asked me to do, hurt me into the core of my being.  I had seen her around the neighborhood and thought she was pretty and that she would be a nice person.  I got into my bed that Halloween night and cried.   I thought something must be really bad wrong with me for a lady in our neighborhood to say those things to me.

This woman became a friend of my mother’s and they played bridge together in a club. After that Halloween night, I have seen her and been around her all of my life. I do not really have an opinion whether she is ‘nice’ or not anymore, but I’ll always remember her stinging words. The words she said to a thirteen-year-old child taking her sisters ‘trick or treating’. I wondered what would make her say such comments to a child. Years later, at a society luncheon event, I decided to share with her what I remembered about that Halloween and how it had affected me.   She was shocked. She said she did not remember saying those things and she always thought all of us girls were darling. She even had hopes that her son and I would date because she thought me such a doll. So I had spent years agonizing over something this women had said when she didn’t even recall saying it.

This incident makes me aware of how easy it is to affect a child or anyone by our ‘innocent’ comments. This woman meant no harm. She was just voicing her opinion, but she was voicing her opinion to a sensitive, insecure young girl. I took her words to heart because I was at a sensitive time in my life and was insecure in myself. If she had said that when I was feeling secure, I might have just thought her rude and blown it off. What was the purpose of her cruel and berating remarks?   Had she had a difficult day and was just taking her frustration out on a kid or was she a bitter woman who really didn’t like children, unless they were little and adorable? Had she had some liquor that night while answering the door for ‘trick or treaters’, so her judgment was flawed? Who knows?   It really does not matter.

All I know is that at the time, her remarks cut deeply into me. Are we ever truly aware of what we say and how we say it affects others? But on the flip side, sometimes harsh remarks can stimulate us to look at self and to change. Only in this instance, there was nothing I could change. I was tall for my age and I was doing as my parents asked me to do and I got nailed for it by a neighbor.

Awareness is why did I let this affect me so deeply?   Granted I was a child and did not realize at the time that this woman was being a grouch. I automatically took it into myself and to heart that something must be wrong with me. I had such low self-esteem at the time that I automatically took her critical remarks as if I was doing something ‘wrong’. Actually, I was doing something I did not really want to be doing, to help my mother and my younger sisters.

The reality is when someone says ugly and hateful things they are usually talking about how they feel at the time. It is more a reflection of them and not you. If a person truly loves themselves, they usually don’t say hurtful cruel things to others, especially to a young child. But also awareness is that sometimes, you can be overly sensitive and take something to heart that the person saying it doesn’t even recall. This lady was placing her opinion on me without knowing anything about what was really going on. How grumpy does a person need to be to verbally attack a child, ‘trick or treating’?

When I look back on this event, it seems so insignificant, but I have remembered the way I felt at the time all of my life. This lady had no awareness of how much she affected the young girl she spoke to on that Halloween so long ago. She never realized it or even thought about it. We are constantly, day by day, bringing up emotions and feelings in one another as we react and interact with each other,  So the awareness is that you never know how much you affect people by what you may say or do. Also why do we let what people say to us affect us so much, at certain times in our life? Why do we let their critical remarks injure our self-esteem? That is our issue to look at, not theirs. When we are secure in ourselves, we will not feel the need to talk negatively to others. And when we are secure in ourselves, we will not take negative, critical things other people say into ourselves and allow them to affect us.  The goal is to respect ourselves and others.




I can forgive this woman. She had no awareness of how much she hurt me. It was my own insecurity which allowed this incident to affect me so deeply. Many times, you may not see things as they are; you see things as you are.

Be aware that everything you say and do affects you or those around you either for good or for ill. And sometimes what is meant for ill; can be changed to good.

“Everything I do and say with anyone makes a difference.” Gita Bellin

Our memories and their imprints teach, guide or limit depending on how we process them…




 

Daddy Throws Me In The Air….

I will have the books sent to me to sign.then will mail them onto you. The price is $24.99 along with a small mailing fee – since it will go through two mailings – to me then to you.




Ayn Dillard’s book, Daddy Throws Me in the Air, demonstrates plenty of spunk and tenacity that will inspire others, who have had similar trials and tribulations in their upbringing, to persevere as she has done. It is a self-help book that encourages as well as coaches others in how to survive a difficult childhood.A searing look at what the lack of love and feeling of empathy from a parent can do to a child. Ayn works her way through this unspeakable stress at a young age and gradually comes to terms over how to handle the loss of maternal support.  Janice Spina, Author, Copy Editor

Description: 
“It was time to heal. I had to stop creating a life that I could not live.  It was time for the pain and suffering to stop.  There was too much pain. I will die if the pain continues.  Why does my life keep ending up in the same place?  Abusive marriages, divorces, lawyers, legal suits – people in my life that had alcoholism, mental illness and abusive behavior, all telling me that I am the problem.  Why did I keep creating and recreating everything I did not want and vowed not to have in my life?

In the process of the healing – soul searching – reading of books – discussing – studying – therapy; seemingly insignificant scenes from my childhood kept entering my mind.  The scenes were overpowering me, forcing me to look at and relive the feelings that I was having at the time.  I began writing down the stories and discovered very meaningful messages that I was given as a child, messages that imprinted me and shaped my life’s existence.  These scenes and the feelings they created caused me to experience a repetitive pattern.  It did not matter if the imprints were intended to create this pattern, only that it was the pattern it created in me. Until I was genuinely ready and able to look at my imprints and beliefs, where they came from and release them – the pattern would remain.”
Negative imprints, beliefs, thinking and emotions cause a great deal of mental, emotional and physical distress. Negative thoughts and worry sink deep and can control your life. There is power in how you perceive your past, your relation to it and your world . Awareness of how your past affects and guides will help stop the vicious cycle
‘Daddy Throws Me In The Air’ is a journey through childhood memories to  awareness. It includes a process to assist in releasing negative imprints and beliefs.
My life is my gift to you.

Excerpt:

He turns and looks at me, as I softly ask. “Daddy, do you mean that?”

His eyes tear as he answers. “If you had never been born, your mother would not have had a breakdown. If you had never been born, she would be okay – like she was when we first met. She was more like you are then. She was happy and full of – of life and now…”

“You said this is not the way things are supposed to be with me. So you think at the age of one that I caused her to have a breakdown? Was I, at the age of one supposed to experience that? Do you ever think about what that did to me as a baby, to have a mother become catatonic then put into a mental institution? Was that supposed to happen?

Tears enter my Dad’s eyes almost as if he had never thought about the affect all that had on me as a one-year-old.
Dad doesn’t answer. He just stares ahead.

Author Bio:
Ayn Dillard has experienced much prompting much self-reflection. She is a self-proclaimed know-it-all and is sharing some of what she knows with you. She acknowledges that just when you think you know everything, your inner or outer world shifts. For you to realize that you don’t know much of anything, encouraging you to dig deeper to discover an even more profound awareness and wisdom. Understanding this, she shares what she has gleaned from her experiences and life to assist others to become more aware. She is a former ballet dancer, and former interior designer.

 




Empty People…

trying to fill themselves up – do much damage to self and others. To them the grass is always greener – because they have little to no ability to appreciate where they are, what they have and to water their own grass – they are always looking over the fence to another yard or to attain another shiny object.

They exploit others using sexuality – they lie – they cheat – trying to make themselves feel good about who they are and  to stave off and deny their internal self-lack. They are void of self worth continually trying  to fill themselves up.  Sex is one way, but there are many ways that the empty-vessel-people try to fulfill their desperate need to feel worthy and fulfilled.

They may gorge themselves on food. All those huge swollen bodies in this world stuffed themselves overly full to become that way. Sure, there are a few people with physical disorders that keep them heavy, but for most it’s because they stuff themselves to overly full – way too often. We all may do this occasionally, but it’s not what is done occasionally that does the harm. It’s what is done daily as a habit or obsession that creates the dysfunction of destruction. Then most sit on their butts in front of the TV or computer escaping into whatever it is  they can find.  Escape – escape-  escape is their goal – trying to escape themselves and their self loathing and fear, along with refusal to face self in any solid self-reflection.

Some use drugs or alcohol to escape their self-lack and emptiness.  They will do any and everything to avoid facing self and their core issues. They are empty to the core and they will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel full – except to face self and to genuinely heal. They continually are trying to cover their internal wound with one band aid after another, when emotional surgery is what is needed. They have little or no regard for others because they have little to no regard for self.

Some buy or collect things. Some become hoarders – if one is good ten is better mentality. They may collect cars or other objects. But once one object has been purchased and owned – their intense internal lack leads them to immediately desire another. They are never satisfied as they roam about on the hunt for their next momentary high only to have it crash to the ground which stimulates  and forces them to search and acquire their next rush. They can’t be genuinely happy or feel fulfilled for long because they do not have the internal means to do so. Some where in their lives they have been fractured – and it’s seemingly easier for them to look  outward to things, objects, money, sex, drugs – any addiction rather than to stop and face  self – their demons – their inner issues.  The grass is always greener in their distorted mind’s view. Something around the next corner or curve they think may be their answer.  They may have a beautiful wife, kids and success but they have little to no ability to have appreciation or gratitude  for what they have. Their inner empty vessel  always desires more – better – younger -newer – the next best shiny thing.  If they have a brunette wife, they desire a blond mistress, etc.

They have little ability to be in the moment of thanks and gratitude. They have a restless soul – they are an empty vessel always looking – searching to be filled-up in some way or form. I am not referring to healthy ambition. I am talking a destructive, internal empty vessel self of nothingness that will eventually lead to destruction in some form or another.

It also  has to do with spirituality and a connection to God – when there is little to none – destruction of self and others doesn’t matter – because no real ability to feel love – contentment – goodness or joy exists in the individual at the deeper soul level. God – goodness values human life. Evil – satanic has no value for human life, but to capture and destroy… hence its attraction to addictions of all varieties.

The key to having a solid core is to face self straight on and in deep self-reflection.  Avoiding self will always lead to  a life with broken fragments – ultimately shards of nothingness.

My book – out now … has a process to assist with this kind of intense and inner self-reflection.




Only lost souls – those with fractured self-identities…

are overly enamored or obsessed with actors, actresses, rock stars, reality stars, artists, politicians, athletes, sports, religious types, those of extreme wealth or any kind of ‘guru’ etc. – and I will also include in this group those who are obsessed with ‘things and objects’.

People in the public eye are showing  for the most part an ‘orchestrated persona’. It is not – many times anything close to who and what they actually are. And some, who are shockingly crass and gross are doing so to garner fame,  attention and your money to purchase what they are offering. Many are talented in the areas of acting, music or athletics and it’s to be enjoyed or admired for what it is. But because they can play tennis or golf well, does not mean their whole life is in order – that they are wise about much anything else – or that their life is that which to emulate – Tiger Woods comes to mind. – but there are so-so many others.

They make money and fame off all their followers. Why follow anyone – how about lead your own life? Only a person with little to no self-identity will overly attach themselves to a person, place or thing. 

When you put those in the public eye on a pedestal and admire them, emulate them – follow them – worship them – thinking that what you see is really accurate or all that there is – and that they have no motive other than that which is self-serving or that they have nothing negative, perhaps even vile that is  being hidden from view – then you are bound to be disappointed.

Their images are often times created to be as such to grab attention and admiration and nothing more – with the purpose of gaining income and popularity for self and their ‘handlers’. It’s mostly advertising and publicity. In essence, it’s a con and fraud to the public – an illusion.

Some teenagers  – the immature – those who remain stunted in their emotional and intellectual development may idolize these figures for awhile especially those with little self- identity. But hopefully  as they grow, find and develop who they are and will become – they will be able to self-actualize and not idolize others to prop up their identity. They will mature out of these illusions and delusions as they  discover themselves and their individual identity. It’s only the lost souls – the fractured, who stay captured by the facade of  images and things. Unfortunately, in this time frame, there seems to be so many with little to no maturity, wisdom and authenticity of self that they emulate, believe, even get plastic surgery to look like some public person.

Actors, musicians, etc. are to be appreciated for their talent and enjoyed as entertainment, but that is pretty much it – to give them more credit is to be immature, naive and under a kind of spell of brainwashing. They are not ‘stars’ . That phrase ‘movie star’ was coined to garner admiration and to create the illusion of being above all others. It’s all BS! They are not above all others. Because someone can read a script, fake emotions and actions means only that – that they can be fake. Just because someone can hit or run fast with a ball doesn’t mean that they know much about how to live correctly or have any emotional intelligence or any values or morals other than ‘bling’. So why would any thinking person ever think anything more or else of them?

They are flawed regular people with a particular talent – they entertain the masses and doing this pays well in the times we are living in – the times where so many, focus so overly on escape – trying to escape their lives – escape their self – to escape thinking for self – to attach their lacking self identify to that of another.

Today – we are seeing many ‘stars’ fall into the reality of who they actually are.  This is a good thing – we all need to live in reality to see and beware of  truth.

What some actress wears, who she sleeps with, when they marry, when they divorce have nothing to do with your life – and if you try to emulate someone whom you don’t really know and believe what they say and how they live – you are a fool.

Appreciate and enjoy their talent but realize who they actually are in their private lives may very well repulse you. I can read about this mess for a few seconds while waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store and have enough of the idiocy to last a lifetime… it’s a diversion into insanity – escape into a bizarre kind  of fun for a few minutes then BLAH!

Enjoy, appreciate, even learn from talent and entertainment, but be discerning and think for yourself. Don’t blindly believe or follow anyone.

Each person is here to develop who they are, not to try and become ‘like’ someone else or to become a puppet of repetition of thoughts, life styles or beliefs of some flipping actor, etc.

Stars  and ‘star makers’ are falling – crashing into the hard ground of reality these days – and thankfully so…

Idolizing a person is just as stupid, vile and banal as idolizing an object.

Everything in life is relative….

This week for me has been intense – I was relaxing after dinner last weekend sipping wine and feeling content and at peace, then I broke a crown on a back tooth while eating salt water taffy. I know stoopid but I had a temporary addiction to it – now over! HA!  I do not have a dentist  where I live. I travel to a different state to go to my dentist that I have gone to for about four decades. I love him –  those in his office are like family and I feel safe there. But know and decide that  I must get a dentist where I live. TRAUMA! I have had trauma with dental work ever since I was twelve when my two front teeth were knocked out in an accident. Traumatic events create imprints – stress us and throw us into a kind of frenzy and intense internal fear. This  imprint/memory is shared  in – my soon to be released book.  So I went on the hunt to find a dentist that I would feel comfortable with to put on a temporary then a new crown … FEAR – STRESS!!!

As I was dealing with this, they are putting  new roofs on the townhouses where I live and mine was happening this very week.  Ever lived where a new roof was being put on? It is loud … it feels like being in hell. BANG! BANG! BANG! Mess everywhere – and they begin at 7:00 AM and go to 7:00 PM. I like peace and quiet. I must have a certain amount of it and I can’t stand messes and dirt.

At the same time, I am  working to get my book DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR published… and it’s now being put through the copyright phase. Since it’s about memories in my life… it has sensitive topics in it. Although, I have not only changed names but left out names for the privacy of the living.  It’s a memoir – self-help.

https://www.facebook.com/ayndill/

Along with this, Nordstrom’s couldn’t find my return… so I had to spend time on many, many phone calls.

Hectic week! I did find a dentist – I think I will like. So a temporary has replaced the cracked crown. Today my roof is complete. This morning, they came out to power wash my patio from all the soot that fell from the roof on my patio between my garage and house, when they were working on it.

As I looked out at the men cleaning my patio, I pondered – ‘everything in life is so relative’. I thought of the people in Houston and other towns affected by the flooding of hurricane Harvey. My current issues would seem like little to nothing to them. Right now, I bet they would feel glad to hear the sounds of a new roof being put on their houses.

I saw in my mind’s eye the images of the people walking in flood waters, being carried out of their homes, etc. The horror of it all – their loss – their pain – how unsettled and surreal their lives must feel at this time. They can’t relax in their homes and look out their window while sipping coffee. Our homes are so dear and comforting to us especially during and after trauma. But that is their trauma – the security of their home and belongings have been taken from them. My heart, of course broke for them again, as it had been all week – for all they are enduring.

While I had a stressful week – it was nothing compared to what these people  are going through. And as I stand at my back window, sipping iced coffee, watching the men clean my patio. After my week of trauma,  I am now  in peace – most all of my temporary irritations are over or are on the mend. While those affected by the flooding have so much ahead of them to deal with. And I thought, ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ –   And  also, ‘I cried because I had no shoes, then I saw a man who had no feet.’

May God bless all those hurting and in harm’s way and fill their hearts and lift their minds with comfort, peace, faith and hope for healing, renewal and a fresh beginning.

Everything in life is so amazingly relative.  And this is exactly what a part of my book is about – that we are all in different places. We endure different trials, joys, imprints, have different beliefs, suffer, endure and with faith hopefully can get past and release the trauma and are able to heal.

It serves us all to be thankful for where we are, what we have and what we may be dealing with – however big, small, irritating or irrelevant  it may appear, because it could/might get  worse, change or get better at a moment’s notice.

We are all vulnerable on this Earth. Our only real peace and salvation is with our Lord.

Globalists- NWO – UN – many in our Government ….

and media around the world  who are aligned with this manipulative, corrupt, evil, ‘destroy America’ movement  are the biggest racists that exist. They  want to rule over the  world with all others beneath them in servitude; as in Al Gore, Soros, Clintons, Buffet, Obamas, Gates, Zuckerberg, Pelosi, Rothchilds, some of the Bushes, etc. – to name a very few. Their goals are to control all the world’s resources and assets, including all property rights. They want to weaken America  and take us down to insert us into the NWO under the rule of the UN. Under this rule, the masses will have no freedom.  It will be an illusion of ‘being taken care of’. All will be ‘considered equal’ according to the edit of the few who rule over the masses. So what better way to do this than to flood America with illegals, refugees and others that don’t want to assimilate, but instead want to drain, destroy, change, rule over and conquer the USA.  

President Trump is trying to expose and to  bust this up. This group of  self- anointed  elitists are greatly threatened and in fear of him and what he is doing as it goes against their destructive evil agenda for America.  While they appear that they wanted ‘equality’ for all – this is only a facade – what they want is control. That is why they are after Trump so intensely. He is exposing them and will continue to do so. He sees right through them and has for years. If you listen to his interviews, from decades ago, he even says so then and that he knows their agenda.

Only the ignorant are buying into the chaos and division that ‘they’ are instigating, triggering and promoting concerning race, etc. Tearing down statues and monuments is destroying our history. History is ‘what it is’ – it can’t be changed and it is to be learned from. To tear down, destroy, hide  or try to recreate history is control for agenda and of evil.

‘They’ own most the media. So ‘they’ imprint in the minds of fools that which they want them to believe. They know most of the populous will believe what they are told because they don’t/won’t/can’t think for themselves and are easily brainwashed to believe that these manipulative elitists care about them and their miserable lives. ‘They’ think as advertisers do – repeat the promo – the lie – promote – repeat – promote –  continuously repeat –  and  the masses will believe what they are told to believe and buy what they are told to buy.

They want the American people weak and fighting one another. A house divided against itself cannot stand.

They want the government to replace God…. they want the world broken, fractured, fragmented, perverted, confused and under their Satanic-based control.

Cut to the chase – we are on the planet of dualities – good versus evil.

Evil hates the good, just for their being the good . Therefore, Leviathan fog is spread over all communication and  used for manipulation, control and corruption.

Their weakness is their arrogance – that no one can see what they are doing and that they ‘think’ in their distortion that  ‘they’ are all powerful. Just like Satan thought he was better and more powerful than God.  So God – ‘good’ – threw evil out of Heaven and  down to earth.

Evil is not more powerful than good.

God is freewill. Evil is about control…

24 hours in a Hell of irritation…

It’s twelve o’clock at night, I am relaxing sitting in bed looking forward to watching a movie, I  just rented sipping red wine from a stemless glass ( I am not stoopid – glasses with stems can cause accidents in a bed) after a long, hot day.  I lift up to move my laptop and the glass flips up then lands hard. The ounce of red wine, if that – splashes all over my completely white bedding.  Ever seen red wine splashed on a white bed? It looks like someone was murdered in my bed.  Yikes! I ponder this mess. How can so little red wine create so much destruction?  I can’t stand spots on anything – drives me a bit crazy! But it’s late – should I wash it out now or later? I elect to wash the comforter and the blanket. I put the comforter in with  a bit  of bleach.

When I go down to put it in the dryer, I find that the washer has overflowed because of the largeness of the comforter blocked the back water drain. I struggle to put the wet and heavy comforter into the dryer. Then put the blanket into the washer and begin to clean up the water that is all over the utility room floor. I need to move everything.  Just as the water is about cleaned up – I pick up the vanilla coffee  in glass bottles  resting their cardboard case –  not realizing how wet the cardboard is – the  four glass bottles fall to the marble floor and break – spilling and splashing coffee and scattering broken glass all over. I am freaking out. Talking to myself by now, as I continue my clean up – stating to the universe, “Bring it on! I will not be broken!” I pick up and take to the  trash over and over again – broken glass and coffee soaked paper towels –  moving everything  on the floor to make sure I get every ounce of this mess cleaned up. Then another two bottles of vanilla coffee fall to the floor and break. I should not have challenged the universe –  huh?! I begin to cry as I continue cleaning up. My hands and feet cut by the broken glass. After the floor is clean – I tend to my ‘utility-water/coffee/glass on floor’ war wounds…

Finally! It’s all over with  comforter and blanket back on the bed, but with sheets still  to be washed – saving for the next day. I settle into watch the movie I ordered. Then the cable goes out.  I call the provider and wait  ad-nauseam- until finally, I get a person who barely speaks English – who  guides me through the process to correct the cable issue -tedious at best – I can barely understand her.  I am about to blow, but keep saying to myself – keep calm – stay in awareness. All this is nothing in the whole scheme of things… right!?

The next day, I deal continually with the  publishing of my soon to be out book, Daddy Throws Me In The Air… a memoir, self-help book, which I began 25 years ago and knew it was time to complete a few months ago. Dealing with formatting issues… on and on and so forth – I realize the book, I thought would be out in August will not be out until mid-Sept.  After spending most all the day on this, I do notget around to washing my red-wine-stained sheets nor do I  eat all day – well, nothing but a banana and some vanilla coffee… yes, the same offending  vanilla coffee bottles that broke on the utility floor – I had two left after the utility room disaster.

I decide to go to spin class to release the stress and shift the energy. Exercise is a great release and has saved my sanity many-a-time. And whew! It works! After class –  having nothing, but a banana all day, I am starving. I decide to pick up ribs  at one of my favs. I get home to find the order is incorrect. The ribs have overly hot and spicy sauce when I had ordered honey barbecue. My mouth burns at the first bite causing my empty stomach to hurt.  I am beyond starving after working out so hard. I eat a dinner of French fries and coleslaw. And the restaurant promises to make good on my ribs the next time, I pick up ….

As I write this, I am sitting in my freshly washed white bed sipping ‘white’ wine. The moral of this story is? Don’t sip red wine while sitting in an all white bed  – or things just happen and when they do, it’s one irritation after another – or after the chaos comes peace – or !@#$%^$#@!#$%^%$#@$%

What???!

Cheers babeeee!  Look for my book DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR … to be out sometime in September….

There is a process included in my book to assist in releasing limiting imprints, negative belief systems and stress. I created it and use it all the time – for the little and the big things…

 

Male is the head and Female is the heart…

of the home. This is a union that has the highest possibility on earth – that of the head and the heart – male and female in union . To think without feeling or to feel without thinking… is not  humanity at it’s finest. It’s when they come together that we are closer to God in his image with the ability to think through our hearts. It’s a union when at its highest and finest  –  no man can put asunder.  And is why, God created male and female with different traits and aspects that complement one another.

Male is not to dominate female but to honor, protect, and provide for her so her gifts and radiance come forth for his and both their benefit. Female is to be led by male as he uses his head and follows her heart. Merged and together they create a whole with purpose – ability and possibility to come to truth… a complete fulfilling and pure love.

Weak – insecure – those of low self-esteem and low-value feel and have a need to dominate…

Strong competent, secure, confident men and women are leaders, they are strong and secure in their countenance.  Their word is their honor. They protect, provide and produce. ( I am focusing on males in this article. Are there women who fit this? Yes, of course.)
Only weak men feel and have the need to ‘dominate’. As in relationship, it is give and take; one leads at times and the other follows, as each have different talents, strengths and knowledge. That’s in business and all other of life’s endeavors also. Weak people can ‘dominate’ just by their being weak, Weak people use whatever, they can to ‘dominate’ because they are weak and have little ability to be secure and strong. So they ‘dominate’ anyway that they can, to ‘feel’ in control. Weakness, unhappiness, whining, feigning illness, fears are powerful ways to control others.  Therefore, it’s not only by the ‘appearance’ of strength and control  that can be the way to dominate . But ultimately, it is the weak, no matter how ‘strong’ they may first appear or growl in their roar, that have the need to dominate.  The need to dominate over others is a sign of weakness. Damaged people have the need to dominate.

When a man feels he is of low-value  then he might as well pull you down to match him. He could try to raise his value but that takes more effort and discipline. It’s easier to try and lower your value to match his own so that he  feels more comfortable.  This is what weak men with a need to dominate do. After all, it’s less risky and he gets to exert more of his “value extracting” dominance in the  relationship. Yes, that’s right, “value extracting” dominance. If he’s able to keep a woman small, then there’s a significantly smaller chance that she might leave him.

If he’s able to rip apart self esteem, then she will become more reliant upon him and his approval of her. But when or if she does, then he will rip her apart for doing so. Low value men and low esteemed men are very good at tearing apart someone else’s confidence. They try to dominant any way they can – by insults covert or otherwise,  withholding, lying, hidden agendas, even physical assault.

Low-value men have/feel a need to dominate. People don’t listen to low-value men when they speak, Others sense their feeling of low-value. Low-value men constantly yearn for the attention of many women to bolster their frail overblown ego. They will try to use a high-value woman to bolster their low-self-esteem. They won’t stay for long in a relationship when it becomes real because they know, they will need to man-up. Their low-self-esteem knows that they don’t have that ability and if they stay too long, they will be seen for what and who they really are – low-value. So they exit by putting the woman down or blaming her and go onto another woman to impress temporarily in whichever way he uses to get temporary energy from her. Then he will soon exit or she will see who he really is and dump him. Then off he goes to another.  A low-value man will take all they can from the people around him, especially women, mostly through a false facade and manipulation.  A low-value person is driven by envy. A low-value person feels a high-value partner will make them look bad if he stays too long. Then he will need to deal with himself and his low-value and low self-esteem.
A relationship is only as good as the weaker partner. A high-value relationship thrives on both parties bolstering and nurturing each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
 Secure men don’t have the need to dominate, they treat their woman as an equal. Women are subservient to their husbands but that does not mean weak nor does it mean for the man to ‘dominate’. It means that he leads, protects and provides.  He holds her as high or higher, as he does himself. No smart woman will follow a weak man because he will lead them off a cliff to destruction and hell.
 The female energy wants to feel that she can relax into the arms of the male and be nurtured and protected… that she can relax in safety and by her being able to feel this, she can honor him with love, respect and all the gifts of her femininity. Her radiance will be able to shine. A low-esteemed man feels threatened by a woman’s full radiance and will try to diminish her glow instead of enjoying it and continuing to  flame it. He misses out on an exciting part of her femininity because of his low-value.
As example – the  ‘Shades of Grey’ character,  he was weak, ‘fractured’ so he had the need  to dominate over women physically and sexually and hurt them to feel that he is in ‘control’. Because when he was a small child and had no power or control, he had been abused. His boundaries had been violated which created in him a need to dominate, rule and control others.  When, what he really is, is lost and hurting and afraid to become vulnerable as he had felt like as  a little child. Because he had been so abused, he was too fearful and wounded to allow himself to become vulnerable and to love. He  became physically sadistic to protect his soft inner core,  for his protection and to survive. When he was able to heal, submit and become vulnerable to love is when he became emotionally strong and a real man.  Submitting is at times the strongest place a person can become and be. Surrender and allowing vulnerability is how you can heal and  become able to love. Only the strong are capable of love and vulnerability
People can help one another overcome their fears and weaknesses. But it takes the person themselves to grow past them or not. By not healing , they not only limit themselves but that of  those around them. They damage and destroy self and others.  Fears,  depression, negativity, addictions  etc. control their life and anyone close to them.  They keep repeating the same pattern over again trying to keep them self ‘safe’.
The Fruits of the Holy Spirit sum up nine attributes of the true Christian life.. “Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self Control.” No where does it say dominate others.
Young men, stunted men, fractured – forever little boys are the ones who can’t deal with emotions, so they try to dominate others to ‘feel’ that they are in control and strong – that they are ‘big’ boys. It’s only a facade because  what they really are is weak and insecure,  of low-value and low-self-esteem.
Strong men don’t dominate… they lead, protect and provide.

Hell on Earth…

 I met a Dr. who works for Planned Parenthood – I have never met or talked with anyone associated with this organization before. He is Ob-Gyn and cares for and delivers babies at a hospital and then also works for Planned Parenthood giving abortions. I talked to him without sharing my beliefs and opinion – at first. I asked him if he thought of an abortion as killing a child and he answered, “No, it’s just an operation. The women don’t want the child or they should not be having a baby in the first place.” He said that he performs abortions on girls as young as 15 and women who have many, many children and just don’t want another. He was matter of fact about it all with no care or emotion. Although he did state that in his opinion when the first two cells connect that there is life.  Then I commented that assisting to bring babies into the world must be joyful. His response, “No, it’s just a procedure. Many of these women should not be having kids. They can’t afford them. They can’t afford to care for themselves. They have no common sense. They just get pregnant, get an abortion or have the kid and can’t take care of it. If the woman tries to work child care is too costly. So they quit and stay home.”

So he assists with bringing life into the world on one hand and kills life with the other. And to him either way, it’s no big deal… just procedures.

I have worked as a volunteer in a charity capacity with young girls before. I know and understand how frustrating their ignorance, lack of common sense and no education or proper life guidance can be. One girl I worked with was 14 and all she wanted was to be like Angelina Jolie. This uneducated star-struck child wanted to have many children but did not want to be married. I asked her how she would support all of her children and she shrugged. She never thought about it. I told her that Jolie had a lot of money and was able to afford to give her children food, shelter and education even if she was not married. I asked this young girl if she could do that? And she shrugged. She had no concept of reality of what it took to care for children. She just wanted them. She was a child herself and no one had instructed her about life and reality. Her mother had been an unwed mother. She was carrying on the family legacy.

The ignorance, immorality, lack of common sense, lack of parenting, ‘hooking-up’, no real human interaction and connection, technology world we are living in is fast become Hell on earth. With sex as sport and no commitment, abortion with no concern, lack of responsibility, corrupted government. media propaganda and brainwashing. We are doomed.

I am disgusted with it all. I was reared so differently – to treasure life – that you get married, buy a house and then have a child – I was reared with God in my life. I went to Sunday school, church… I never thought about having children before I would be married. To do this would be shameful… What in the world is happening today?! Human life has no value. Morality has no value. Commitment has no value. Evil is taking over our world at rapid pace and at its basis is complete ignorance and irresponsibility – no respect or value for, or to human beings.. some people place more value on their pets than human beings, but dare you mention how many fat people there are now and ‘Oh my gosh!’ you hurt their poor ignorant, self -indulgent feelings’ – This is the world of ‘hook ups’ where sex means little to nothing. There is no commitment with sex and relationships – no commitment to one another –  so no commitment to the children they bring into this world. It’s the don’t judge me lifestyle of the young  and Godless.  Yep… HELL ON EARTH.