Category Archives: Family

Dating, EXPLOSIONS, Family, Friendship, Health, Inspirational, Love, Men, Relationships, Romance, Self-help, Sex, Women, Women In Real Life

Can insecure fearful people…

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love another for genuine reasons?

Insecure fearful people are overly focused on self and what they lack and what they are trying to gain in order to feel better about themselves. So can they genuinely care for or love another? They are most always looking to fill themselves up in some way, instead of giving to another and to, at times be able to fill another up.
Love is about what you give, not what you take.When an insecure fearful person does give, they most always have a need, even must feel like they have some kind of gain or reward in it for themselves, or it isn’t worth it to them.  When, or if an insecure taker does give, they are more concerned that others see what they did and that they get approval and applause for their giving, rather than to be focused on just the pure pleasure of giving to another. Their innate insecurity creates an inner need to make everything about themselves. Many times, their insecurity leads them to be controlling of others.

Momentary pleasure with a temporary feeling of security are only when they gain something or feel good about themselves – so they can pat their needy little selves on the back.  They suck off the energy of others to get through their miserably dark and lacking life, instead of dealing with their inner turmoil, issues and feelings of insecurity. They may even appear egotistical in their words and behaviors to cover-up for their innate insecurity.

They attract to beauty, money, success, status and things that they ‘think’ will rub off on them and give them a brighter facade or image – in order to build up their insecure ego. 

In a love relationship – there will be a circle of giving and receiving and at times, one may need more than the other because of life circumstances, etc. – but when, or if one begins to feel drained, used and taken for granted – in ‘aware’ love, the other will sense this and connect with them in comforting love – as in hugging, touching, nurturing, or a look in the eyes. But an insecure, needy, self-serving, selfish person will rarely if ever recognize need or lack in another, unless, it serves their self-interest to do so – as in they will gain attention, prestige, sex, gifts, money, or reward of some sort, etc.

Example: in relationship – you can handle their moods and issues, but they can’t handle yours. And not only that, they ‘expect’ you to handle theirs, and will feel put upon whenever there is a need for them to handle your emotions or moods.
Think the woman who can’t stand it when her husband shows weakness in some area – or the man who negates his tired wife’s need for rest and attention. These people are so overly about having their own needs met through the other, than to truly care for and love the other – with little ability to see, recognize the other person as separate, with their own issues, needs and pain.

If your well-being is overly tied to your partner, you will be internally that of a needy child.
On the flip side, if your partner can’t have a melt down with your support  and understanding then you are not  being there for them – but are there only for your selfish-self and childish needs.  If you expect your partner to be perfect in your eyes and out in the world at all times – think of the pressure you are putting on them. Relationship is a place where you can rest and be rejuvenated, to feel and  know that you will be comforted and cared for when you are not at your best.  It is a place to sustain you when you are down and to lift you up.

If you are too insecure and weak to face your issues and pain, you will deflect and project them onto another – trying to make something wrong about them, in order to make yourself feel better about you. 

Love is a combination of acceptance of another, while having self- awareness and growth at the same time.

There are individual fatal flaws that make relationship impossible as in – cheating, addictions, lack of genuine commitment, need to escape at any sign of stress or conflict, inability to have empathy as in seeing your partner’s side of the situation with understanding. If a person is addicted to anything then their relationship is with the addiction instead of their partner –  that addiction may be alcohol, drugs, food, TV, porn, parental approval whether parent be dead or alive, and material things such as collections, etc.
Relationship is for giving, receiving and ultimately healing and growth both individually and together to equal balance in self and in one another. It takes much self-awareness and a mature openness in both  individuals to merge with another in genuine love and commitment. Otherwise, it’s just playing, like a child does and becomes a game to see who can take and get their needs met in spite of the  needs of the other.

In today’s world, there is much narcissism, selfishness, materialism, self-centeredness, lack of commitment, immorality, inability to self-reflect, lack of ability to look at self in genuine awareness. And because of this lack there are many unhappy, depressed, anxiety-ridden, addicted even tormented people. Immaturity is rampant. Accountability and responsibility are lacking.

There is no relationship without accountability and responsibility. It’s about commitment to self in awareness and growth as well as commitment to one another. This is what makes relationship so rich, worthwhile and life worth living.

In relationship is where you learn about yourself  in ‘relation’ to another human being with the ability to become more and this is even in casual daily passing relationships. Only ultimately and more importantly, it is intensely experienced in the love relationship. You were attracted to another and brought together for a reason and purpose. If you shut down, runaway or escape when it gets difficult or becomes real, you are not only harming your partner but ultimately yourself.

When commitment, accountability and responsibility are negated, put down, diminished, dismissed, ignored and escaped from in our individual lives, we are creating  a distorted, fractured, weak immoral society and  world – wherein self-pleasure, selfishness and self- centeredness rule and ultimately there is much self misery.

Books to assist in awareness and growth DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – memoir/self-help & FEAST OF MEN – story of a woman’s heart – Both available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc. in e-book and soft cover.

Family, Inspirational/Spiritual, Love, Politics, Relationships, Self-help, Women In Real Life

Becoming aware…

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At church yesterday, I sat in a pew behind a family of grandparents, parents and a sweet little four-year-old girl. During the church service, the  four-year-old would move from one side of the pew to the other, sit by her mother, then snuggle into her grandfather, look through the hymnal, play with her little pink purse, open and close it – sit still for a moment, then begin her exploration and movements all over again. She was a well-behaved for a four-year-old – quiet, sweet and would sit and be still as long as she could, when one of the adults would suggest that she do so. She was perfect in her development and behavior for four.
But what if she was still behaving in this manner at the age of 16 – at the age of 30 – at the age of 50? If she was, then we would look at her with pity – concern and wonder why she never grew past the developmental age of 4. Is it a mental disorder – was she not reared properly – does she just like to be an irritation to others – is she selfish and spiteful and just not want to fit in?  Does she like to cause disturbances? Was she not taught manners, patience, respect, empathy responsibility, accountability?

This example is an exaggeration because should an adult move about as this child was – clearly something would be terribly wrong. Only today, so many adults are walking around with the internal developmental age of immature children,  self-centered, selfish, no accountability, lack of manners, lack of responsibility, etc.

They may on the outside ‘look’ like adults, but inside they are stuck at some underdeveloped developmental stage. I am not referring to our keeping our inner child alive – so we can, at times, run and play and keep our child-like curiosity that keeps us vital though adult life. I am referring to inner turmoil and dysfunction, either because they are weak, were never taught, had dysfunction modeled for them or were not imprinted with the attributes that lead to true inner awareness and maturity to be able to adapt, develop mentally and emotionally to live a fully responsible life to self and others.

They are the adults walking around who ‘look’ the part, ‘dress’ the part- even have a job  that ‘appears’ the part, but who are not genuine. They are frauds unto themselves and others and live in internal misery and harm many others along the way.  They are addicted to things, to substances, to sex, to using others, to creating a false image, to staying immature, selfish and all about self.
“Me, me, me  – it’s mine – I can do what I want to. Leave me alone!” –  are a few of their outward or inward cries. They are stuck in a developmental stage of childhood with no awareness of self in relation to others or even to what they are doing to themselves. They are ‘play acting’ the part of an adult. Many are referred to as narcissist, pathological, dysfunctional, cluster-B’s, depressives, etc. They use people, institutions, positions, things, substances – any and whomever they can, to try to keep their adult in-control facade in tact.
The lack of maturity, accountability, responsibly in many adults today is astounding.  They are depressed, anxious, addicted, power- hungry without self-control, hoarders, materialistic,  control-freaks, stuff themselves with food, drink, etc. immoral – self-serving – selfish, etc. 

Lib/Dem/progressive/ NWO globalists are prime example of developmental dysfunctions. They want everything given to them – power and control over others, just because they say so and think they ‘know’ better.  Think the developmental stage of the know- it- all teenager or even the NO! of the toddler.  The ‘I want it all for nothing’ – think the toddler to age of five stages. It’s five or six when many of us learn to share, to have empathy, to put others before ourselves, to have genuine compassion. Then there are those trying to be  in complete rule and want complete control  over the the masses – the little dictator-stage of the two-year-old –  and those being controlled want everything for nothing – just like little dependent children.

 A world of toddlers stuck in – “NO NO  NO” –  Three-year-olds – “It’s mine!” –  Six-year-olds “Leave me alone!  – Teenagers – “I will do what I want to! Stay out of my room!”  As a society and as individuals, if  we do not develop properly, we create a world of hell and as individuals we will live in internal hell.

God and an upbringing in the ways of the Bible and Christianity define and create a practice of self-awareness to become responsible, accountable for our actions that leads to an internal mature and developed life. Without this development,  individually we will  live in pain trying to fill the void in ourselves up with things that will not ever spiritual satisfy us. And as a world, we will have what we are seeing in many people now.

It all begins with self and the developmental stages of childhood. this is why the NWO progressive/globalists want control of  our children younger and younger to imprint them with controllable dysfunction even perversion, with lack of boundaries for their use and benefit. A person who stays forever a teenager or young adult with no accountability and responsibility to another, who can’t put others before themselves and have empathy and patience will not be a whole, internally satisfied human being. There will always be the unrest of the four-year-old inside. Sure, there is a positive side to being a child-at- heart then there is a very negative almost demonic side to never maturing properly.  

Nurturing and caring for our inner child and being mature and accountable to others is an internal balance.

‘Acting’ the part isn’t genuinely being or living the part.

Bring a child up in the ways of the Bible. church/God and it will serve him for all of his days.
A tool to assist in awareness DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – memoir/self-help.

Family, Health/Beauty, Relationships, Romance, Self-help, Women In Real Life

The story of Echo and Narcissus…. What is narcissism actually?

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Do you use this much over-used word of the day to accuse/insult even categorize others  whom you view as having certain traits? In Greek Mythology –  which is where this personality disorder of Narcissism derives. The story goes – that there was a wood nymph named Echo who loved to talk. For some reason, she displeased the gods, so they put a curse on her  which was she was only  able to repeat  what she heard – repeat that which others said to her, back to them.

Echo was in love with a young warrior named Narcissus – who also displeased the gods – so they put a curse on him –   which was – that when he was looking into a lake, he would fall in love with his own reflection – and be able to love no one else but his image.   Who knows what these two did to displease the gods- but the gods back then seemed to be easily displeased and also curse happy.

Hence the personality ‘disorder’ of Narcissism began and was created. BUT did you notice and realize that Narcissus fell in love with his ‘image’ – not who he really was – BIG DIFFERENCE! Then as the story goes, Echo who loved Narcissus couldn’t let him know that she loved him because she could only repeat what he said back to her. Therefore, Narcissus never knew how much Echo loved him. Therefore, Narcissist was doomed to love only the image that the world saw of him – he couldn’t really love himself or Echo or feel love from others. He lived a life obsessed with his ‘image.’   Not the way he actually looked or was, but the ‘image’ that he created and was seen by the world. His image was everything to him because he could not genuinely see, understand or love self.  Narcissus means numbness in Greek. He was empty/numb inside  with no true feelings and only about his image. He had no ability to genuinely feel – internally he was void – so he ‘acted’ what he thought was appropriate by observing others.

Echo loved him, but had no way to let him know – therefore, Narcissus could feel no love or emotion  from her. Two truly cursed people. Since relationships are our biggest teachers – these two were stuck in being alone and unable to relate. They were emotionally numb and void.

Narcissism is not about taking selfies or focusing on looks, but that could be one  minor trait. Narcissists more often than not do not like their looks or their self – especially their inner self –  they are all about ‘image’. They are emotionally numb, empty and lost souls.

Narcissism is an inability to feel empathy –  being all about the wants needs of self for their self-image – the image that they create for the world to see –  not caring, giving to, or thinking much about anyone else, unless they can enhance or add to their image. It’s an empty internal existence. It’s an existence all about ‘me, myself & I’ – full of emptiness and, or pain – they often fall into narcissistic depression.

The Narcissistic Relationship

It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Don’t judge yourself for succumbing because research shows that strangers’ initial impressions of narcissists for the first seven meetings are positive. They’re seen as charming, agreeable, confident, open, well-adjusted and entertaining. Their alluring performance is designed to win trust and love, implicitly promising that their attentiveness will continue. Only later, did the research subjects see through the narcissists’ likable façade. Covert narcissists are even more disarming – because their outward image is that of kind, caring, helpful and without the usual grandiose narcissist displays – they are more subtle and obviously ‘covert’. They can quickly pull on their target’s heart strings of caring for, and protection of.

Difficulties and conflict arise in longer narcissistic relationships. At home, narcissists may privately denigrate the person they were just publicly entertaining, and after a romantic prelude, they act totally different. Once you’re hooked, they lack the motivation to maintain a charismatic façade. As the excitement of romance wanes, narcissists become disappointed in their partner. Their criticisms escalate and they may act distant and dismissive. The relationship revolves around the narcissist, while others are viewed merely as objects to use in order to manage the narcissist’s needs and fragile even empty self-esteem. Embarrassed partners watch their mate flirt with a cashier, cut to the front of the line, or castigate a clerk or waitress. They must contend with demands, judgments, and self-centeredness. They’re expected to appreciate the narcissist’s specialness, meet his or her needs for admiration, service, love, or purchases when needed — and are dismissed when they don’t.

Narcissists put themselves first, and their codependent partners concur. Both agree that the narcissist is great and that his or her mate isn’t as great and should sacrifice! This makes their relationship work … in the beginning that is. Eventually, the partner feels drained, hurt, resentful, disrespected, and lonely.

The children and partners of narcissists share Echo’s experience of feeling rejected, invisible and unheard. They long to be seen, to have their needs met, and their love returned. Many partners of narcissists sadly pine away for years longing to feel respected, important, appreciated, and cared about. Their self-esteem suffers over time. They risk turning into empty shells of their former selves. Narcissists suffer, too, because they’re never satisfied. Even though Narcissus and Echo both long for love, Narcissus can neither give love, nor receive the love Echo offers.

If you can’t feel emotions, you are the walking dead, trying to fit in as a human, but actually are a walking zombie.

Learn how to identify and process your feelings, emotions, imprints and beliefs. DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other usual places.

EXPLOSIONS, Family, Inspirational, Self-help

Please God – save America from Satan’s hell….

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As I am out and about where I live, an upscale community in a great state and because of its economy has attracted many from other states and many – way too many, foreigners –

What used to be a refined, elegant – well-dressed and groomed community has been turned into a mess of too many different cultures and people with different values that do not mesh. Of course, people from other countries add texture to a community, but too many and those who do not wish to support our culture or align with our values – are here only to suck off of us economically can harm even destroy a community.  They want what we have in America – in my state – our prosperity – our freedoms, while also wishing to and trying to change us into where they left or escaped from.  

‘Tolerance’ has become the mantra and religion of the secular left/progressive/globalists – when nothing can be called wrong then nothing is right.

Suicides are increasing 64% among young people – because many are lost, have no direction – even concerning their sexuality. Immorality is the standard and when  you cross those physical boundaries at a young age – you change a person forever – weaken their essence and that is what the left/progressive/globalists want — a weakened – controllable populous.

I see fat people at the grocery store frantic to buy tons of food – with their baskets loaded – ill-groomed with swollen bodies.  Many people are not groomed properly – have no pride in appearance – are just looking to fill themselves up in some manner or way – in any way so they won’t have to feel the truth of self. I see frantic people searching for more stuff to buy to try and fill up the holes in themselves – their empty souls. The search for escape is everywhere.

A young girl with purple and pink hair practically walked in front of my car – causing me to slam on my brakes, in a parking lot because her brain was so fogged over that she was not alert to where she was walking.

I see a brain dead fogged over society searching for something outside themselves to try and find meaning in their empty souls – greed – money – things – escape – immorality – perversions, etc. are ruling the day – instead of mental health – fit bodies – alert minds – clear eyes- smiles on faces – human connection and interaction.  Of course, there are the mentally/emotionally/physically well mingling in with these zombies – as  we catch one another’s eyes that meet in our questioning, ‘Where in the world did these people come from? What is happening to our community  – to our world?’

Christmas is a time for introspection – for honoring the birth of our Savior…

Food and presents are  fun… and a part of it – but not the reason… or meaning…

I am tired of see foreigners in my community – and hearing foreign languages and accents…

We are America – sure, we are a melding pot of all countries, but we have allowed too many in who do not want to assimilate and have such different values and cultures that it’s very uncomfortable.

Manners, class, style, refinement, elegance are leaving us. Many of our youth haven’t clue what these things even are – it’s become all about acquiring things, greed, escape, sex, momentary pleasure, at any cost, no self discipline or delayed gratification or morality as these foreigners charge too much for services and products to suck and swindle the American people. 

Fast food – swollen bodies – little no grooming – no pride,  style or elegance in dress, baggy – ill-fitting garments – some look like they are wearing their pajamas – I guess, too fat to wear real clothing – unfriendly, dead faces as they hurriedly search for stuff to fill them up so they can get back to their sofas and idiotic brainwashing for agenda TV shows.

Men want to suck off of a woman’s feminine energy in any way he can without honor or commitment. Women hate men for who they have become – weak, feminized and useless as a protector and provider. Men then hate women because they have had to become masculine to survive without male protection. Sexes hating one another and some are so confused they are changing sexes… it’s hell on earth and not as our creator designed it. God created male and female. They are not the same but they are equal – both have their distinct purpose for being.

So as I view the craziness and confusion in our world today. I pull into reading the Bible – into quietness and solitude – physical movement for health – focusing on positive up beat thoughts – instead of the darkness that evil is injecting fast and furious into our world.
I pray for us all – God bless America. May God give us the power to take America back from evil. Merry Christmas to all!!

EXPLOSIONS, Family, Health, Inspirational/Spiritual, Self-help, Spiritual, Uncategorized, Women In Real Life

Download- upload – how about we upgrade to God?

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We have all these technological upgrades that we are continually being prompted to make on our computer  and our phones. ‘Technology’ – what is it really? It’s one way to communicate through machines – it can be convenient and it can also be a pain to deal with. While it’s making communication faster with ability to reach more, it is also taking away the humanness in it. It’s taking us over and it’s separating human beings from others with focus on machines that transmit communication with no real human interaction.  Used too often, it can become, instead of an aid, a menace to society and to the psychological well-being of human beings.  It’s distancing us from one another – distancing us from  genuine human interaction as it ‘pretends’ to bring us closer. Used as a tool and in perspective, it’s great – out of hand it becomes a distancing evil.

Machines  and things are of this earth.  Human beings are of God. Human beings are the importance  and the blessings  on this planet. Things are tools for human use – not to be used for control, to manipulate,  or to distance us from one another. And certainly not to be made or to become more importance than human beings.

Guns are things ‘machines’ – they can’t do anything without human control over them. Those who use them to harm  and kill are Godless- faithless- lost people.  Guns used by the right people are to be for protection.  All things and machines can be used for either ill or for good. 

We are on this planet to interact with one another – person to person – voice to voice – eye to eye. – flesh to flesh – instead of texting on a phone or emailing on a computer. Technology is man- made. Human beings are created by God. Texting does not replace a real conversation and much can be misconstrued in a text as our phones self- correct spelling sending the wrong word.  It can be difficult enough to communicate in person – so texting, emailing etc, can many times add more difficulty – as it can be too fast – too easy – too unfeeling. And that is what is happening to some people in this world – too fast – too easy –  too unfeeling.

A text is not a hug!  A text is not a voice!

What this world needs is to upload and upgrade to God. We will be much better served and it’s free – no app to buy or new machine to purchase or anything to upgrade or download  in order to keep up with it and not be left behind or to become ‘out- of-date’.

Government is not your father or your god and certainly not the father to your children. Communication through a machine is not genuine human interaction. Real communication is eye to eye, voice to voice, person to person. How about cease texting and pick up your phone to hear a voice – better yet, have a real face to face in person communication. All this technology is creating isolation in our people especially our youth and for some it’s detrimental to their psychological development, mental health and emotional well- being.  People need to feel connected to one another. Babies will not thrive and develop healthfully and normally, unless they are held, feel human touch, voice and energy – daily and often.

We need God back even stronger than ever before in our country – our schools – our families – our businesses – with a strong presence  in all  areas of our lives. We need to bring God back into our hearts! It’s the family – a father – a mother – and children with God at the helm that will create a solid, stable, healthy environment for living a ‘right’ life. Sure, it can be done in many ways, but the ‘right’ way is, for the most part – the easiest with usually a better outcome for those involved and society in general.

There is right living and there is wrong. ‘Right’ promotes health and goodness. ‘Wrong’ promotes decay, harm and evil ways – addictions, perversions, unhappiness in mind, body and spirit – distancing from self and from others.

There will always be good and evil. Isn’t it better and more productive for an individual and society to strive for good?

Let’s download the Ten Commandments. The closer we live by and to them – the better our lives and that of others will be.

 

 

The Ten Commandments –  also known as the Decalogue, found in the Ark of the Covenant are:

 

  1. You shall have no other Gods but Me.
  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything. (Gov is not your god or your lord and savior – it’s a false idol- giving a false sense of security – it’s man- made- therefore out for self and not to be trusted.)
  3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
  4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it Holy.
  5. Honor your father and your mother.
  6. You shall not murder.
  7. You shall not commit adultery.
  8. You shall not steal.
  9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, or property.

When you  strive to live as close to the Ten Commandments as you are  able , there will be less chance for murder, adultery, immorality, perversion and evil, etc. to be in our world.

God protect and bless America and all God’s people on this earth!

(Yes, I am aware that I am able to transmit this message to many quickly because of technology – that is one good thing about it.)

Family, Inspirational/Spiritual, Self-help, Women In Real Life

Your life can change in an instant – excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

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My Father’s Cane – Adult – Present Time 

I couldn’t have imagined that almost one year exactly after my father’s death, I would be using one of his canes.  My dad died in April, the day in that year was Good Friday.

Daddy used canes for years because of an injury when he was in the Navy.  A bomb had hit on the submarine he was on.  When Dad was running away from the explosion, he turned to look back and was hit in his neck and spine. This created a degenerative spinal disease to develop as his life progressed.  He had been an athlete in high school and was recruited to be a pitcher, but he hurt his arm and couldn’t pitch any longer.  After a few years of college, he went into the Navy where he acquired this injury to his upper vertebra. He was a large, vibrant man and it wasn’t until later in his life that he needed to use a cane to steady his walk. He eventually ended up in a wheelchair. One day I asked, “Dad is it horribly difficult being in a wheelchair when you were once so active?” He replied in a gruff tone, “No it’s okay. I manage.” I rarely saw him frustrated concerning his disability. Although in private, I am sure that he had his moments.  Dad rarely if ever let me see him down, depressed or hopeless. I guess that is why he wouldn’t tolerate it in me. He wanted me to have a strong core because he knew in life that internal strength is what makes or breaks you.

While in the Navy, Dad flew planes but he was also on a submarine.  Going from the different altitudes also wreaked havoc on him. He told me stories about being in the Navy infirmary and how lonely he felt. He said that he had never felt so alone in his life and that it was the worst feeling in the world. Healing can be an alone process… When he got out of the Navy, he asked for Mom’s hand in marriage repeatedly – on the third attempt, her father said yes.

Through the years, I would buy him antique or usual canes for gifts. He had quite a collection. After he died, I got some of his canes. I placed the black one with the silver handle to lean in a corner of my powder room. There, I could see it easily as I walked through the hallway past the powder room door. It gave me comfort to see it in there. It gave me the feeling that Dad was watching over me.

On April twenty-fifth, one year after Dad died, I had an accident. I slipped and fell on an unmarked wet concrete floor in a local wine bar. I broke my left elbow and sustained three hairline fractures in my tailbone. ‘Unmarked, wet floor, wine bar wounded warrior’ – not really funny, but…’ And no, I was not tipsy. I had one sip of champagne with a friend who I had picked up from the airport and we were celebrating. It was near closing time and the employees in the wine bar had prematurely begun to clean up and mop. Yes. I sued and yes, they settled with me for their negligence.

I was dealing with so much at time. I was still healing from the death of my Dad. My sisters were continually suing me concerning Dad’s Will. Then I fell and had another lawsuit to contend with. I still don’t know how I dealt with it all. But I knew my Dad was with me. I pulled Dad, Mother and God close to me every night before sleeping and often throughout the day.

During the healing, I was on crutches for a bit. How horrible are those things? I needed to ‘baby’ my left hip completely for a while and I also had my arm in a sling, I had to use one crutch under my right arm to take pressure off my left side. Using the crutches threw my walking gait off. After starting rehab to strengthen my left leg, I realized I was really having difficulty walking normally. This was frustrating beyond belief. Being a former ballet dancer and used to being fit as a fiddle, I was scared because I seemed to have little control over movement in my left leg to walk naturally.

The first day after I came home from rehab, I ‘crutched’ by the powder room and noticed Dad’s cane. It was as if it was calling to me. I decided in that instant to toss the crutches and to use my Father’s cane.  Even though he was 6’2″ and I am 5’3″, the cane worked perfectly for me. I began practicing immediately – by walking up and down the entry hallway using my dad’s cane. It was exactly what I needed. It offered support while I strengthen my left leg to regain my natural walking gait. I felt tremendously close to my dad during this time using his cane.  Each step I took to regain my natural walk and balance, it was as if Dad was with me. Just like when I was taking my first steps and he encouraged, balanced and guided me. He was with me now. My parents told me that I learned to walk at nine months and after I did – I ran everywhere. Mother could barely keep up with me.

Now I was resting my hand on the same silver handle that my dad used for years. After two days, I was walking more naturally and in a week, I could walk without the cane. I used it a week longer just to feel my daddy close to me for comfort and moral support. Dad used to tell me he loved to watch me walk and to move. I have a fast gait and he told me that he loved the energy of my fast-paced movements.

 I was blessed to be born with my Dad’s will of iron – to keep on keeping on. By breaking against his internal strength all my life, I triggered my own. It’s one of my greatest gifts from him.

Mom used to say, “You and your father are just alike – both have heads as thick as a brick wall, stubborn as can be.” When Mom would say this, it was usually when she was irritated at one or the both of us. Dad and I would look at each other shrug and smile.  Dad and I are/were a lot alike and our hard heads could butt in real style. But actually that stubborn-will served/serves us well at times.

During this time of recovery, I decided to venture further into town to run an errand. I had spent two weeks almost completely in bed and without driving. Only recently, I started driving myself to rehab and doing errands but only in my area and was now ready to get back into the world. I knew that I needed to push myself so as to not become fearful and isolated. So I forced myself to step further out. With my dad’s cane in tow, off I go. As I near my destination, I hear a big pop and the tire light comes on in my car. I slowly enter the parking lot and park in front of where I was heading. Get out and realize that both tires on the driver’s side of my car are blown out. The tires were fairly new. Clearly, I must have run over something. Here I am using a cane, it’s hot outside and I am a far distance away from my house for the first time in almost a month. I momentarily fill up with fear and stress.  Then settle my mind and call a tow truck which arrives in record time after I explain my circumstances. The man driving the tow truck was as kind a man as there could be. Here I am with sling on an arm and using a cane, barely able to lift my left leg climbing into the cab of a tow truck. The man stood behind me guarding me as I did. While, we ride to the car dealership with my car in tow, we chat and I share with him my ordeal of the past month. He listens with understanding and says, “Just have trust in God.” I replied, “That’s what I am doing.”  Then we both burst out into laughter concerning the ridiculousness of it all. He tells me to keep my smile and to keep laughing.

My new tires were put on and I was home in record time. But why did this happen at just this time, one thing after another putting more stress and challenge on me? Was it to further expand me?  All you can do after dealing with the issues at hand – is to trust in a positive outcome, laugh in amusement and let it go. What’s that saying? ‘If you find yourself walking in Hell just keep on walking’. That is what I did. With each issue I dealt with, God had my back. As fast as it fell apart, it came back together with adventure, magic and more awareness along the way. Kind people were put on my path to assist me – complete strangers with like heart and belief.

As I continued dealing with rehab and this whole ordeal, I could hear Dad’s words in my mind’s eye as I pushed, faltered, got frustrated, scared then kept on… “Keep at it Tiger! You can do it. I am here with you. I am proud of you.” 

Dad had been a wounded warrior and my accident and what it took to recover gave me a new appreciation for what it is to deal with and recover from physical trauma.  Dealing with this just one year after his death, was a lot to process on the physical, emotional and mental levels. But the strength that I had honed from my lessons in life got me through it.  In the exact moment, I replaced my crutches with his cane. I promised Dad that with the help of his cane, his eyes watching over me and the energy and grace of God that I would regain the walk that I was born with and he loved to watch. I fully recovered in record time and in my doctor’s amazement with no lingering effects from my injuries. None! I am physically fully restored.

To add to this time of trauma – dark night of the soul – testing of my spirit – just six months after I had fully healed from the fall and was beginning to feel relief – I went to my dermatologist for my yearly examination. To discover I had a place on my forehead that was cancerous. This place was above my right eyebrow. My dermatologist sent me to a MOHS surgeon to have it examined. Because of where it was, they scheduled me with a plastic surgeon to close the opening after the surgery. I was in full panic mode before the surgery. I had no idea how deep the cancer was or how intensive the damage would be to my forehead.

In two years, my dad had died, I was still dealing with the emotional effects of this, my sisters were repeatedly suing me, I had fallen, recovered and was in the middle of suing the restaurant where I fell. And now, I was looking at having my forehead possibly disfigured.   My father was gone -the only one on earth I had to turn to for strength. My physical abilities had been threatened and I was now facing losing my looks. Talk about overwhelming stress upon stress.

I was wired, anxious and I became depressed. I wondered how much I was going to be put through and if it would ever be over. Would I ever feel like me again? Then who was I, anyway?

I prayed and prayed and finally turned it over to God. At times, this was easier to do than at others.

A friend took me to have the MOHS surgery early on a winter morning. They only needed to go in one and half times, so the cancer had not destroyed much. But I still was left with a large hole in my forehead. That afternoon, I went to the surgery center for a plastic surgeon to close it, to leave the least effect on the appearance of my forehead and face. God lead me to a gifted surgeon.

After the surgery, I felt like I looked like Frankenstein because my forehead was swollen with a red suture line over my right eyebrow. The caring surgeon called me every morning for a week to see how I was doing. He promised that the swelling and the scar line would disappear. I was going to look great again even better. The upside was that the surgery raised my right eyebrow that was lower than the left one and served to tighten my forehead – a light in the darkness.

After a few weeks, it did look much better. In months, it was barely noticeable. Today the scar line is barely, if at all visible. I don’t even need to put makeup on it, to cover it up.

Everything I had broken against as a child, young adult and throughout my life had prepared me for this sequence of events of my dark night of the soul without my father here on earth to sustain me. I had almost lost everything several times in my life, but never like this. Nothing had ever felt this alone and low. In this timeframe, I remembered back to when angels had walked though me. I asked and prayed that they please do it again. But they didn’t. I heard in my mind’s eye, ‘You know we are with you and you will be fine’.  Therefore, I focused on recalling that feeling of love that had once filled me up in comfort and grace as I pulled God, my mother and my father close to me every night. As I lay alone in my bed, I could smell the fresh fragrance of my mother and heard my father’s words, “You can do it, Tiger! I am with you all the way.”

Things can appear horrible and like everything including your life is falling apart, right before more awareness is recognized. I learned how strong and resilient I am. I felt, knew and renewed my faith and strength in God. I realized the hate that my sisters have for me, so I cut them completely out of my life which I should have done a long time before.  Doing so, has freed my spirit in ways that is incredible. I feel younger now, than I even did when I was a child living in my parent’s home with the burdens of my mother, my sisters and my father weighting me down with their imprints. I have awareness, understand, accept and forgive them all. I let them go.

I choose only to keep the love of my mother and dad as comfort to guide me in the rest of my life’s journey. Of course, I do have happy family memories that I enjoy at times.

Embrace challenges in life as opportunities for self-reflection and transformation.

“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find strength.” Marcus Aurelius


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Memories of my Dad that fill me with his love and…

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A2AC1define my worth and character forever, no matter what happens in my life. In my early twenties,  I was getting ready for a formal evening out, designer dress, the works. While getting out my attire, I realized that my satin evening purse had a busted chain… not only that, but it was broken in a way that… Oh my gosh!  I thought could never be repaired and certainly not in time for  my date. It was the only  purse I had that would work with my dress and I just had to wear that dress with that particular evening purse!

Because I had chosen this particular dress just to go with the evening purse my Dad had given me for Christmas which had been his perfectly selected  gift wrapping for his generous Christmas check.  My Dad had shopped for and selected this elegant designer purse just for me and I liked it so very much for just that reason.

I rushed into the library where Dad was watching TV and in the brokenhearted frustration drama only a twenty year old preparing for a black tie affair with her beau could create,  held up the purse that was destined to  ruin the whole evening.

“Daddy can you fix it? Please can you?! I got my dress just to go with the purse you gave me. Please Daddy, I have to take it tonight. I just have to! But I think it’s broken for good … Daddy, what do you think?”

He turned from the TV with a slightly  amused but concerned smile as he took my purse from me and said. “Go on and get ready. I will see what I can do.”

Feeling better that my Dad was on it, I showered then rushed into  the kitchen to see my Dad at the breakfast counter with his tools out working on the chain of my purse.  There was also a needle and thread involved.

I observed Dad’s work table as I thought, Daddy can sew?… “Daddy, how’s it coming along? Do you think it can it be fixed?”

Dad glanced up at me and said. “Don’t you need to be getting ready. Your date will be here soon.”

Okay… Daddy, okay … I am. I will.” As I rushed back to my dressing area and proceeded to do my hair, make up, etc. I was frantic. I had no other purse that would work with the dress that I so wanted to wear.

I walked into my bedroom to get my dress and there on my bed sat my purse.  I held it up and I couldn’t even tell it had been broken. I quickly put on my dress and finished  getting ready, putting my lipstick, hairbrush, etc, into my treasured Dad given, Dad repaired purse.

Then, the doorbell rang.  I hurried down the hallway to the entry hall to find Dad talking with my date. Dad smiled in pride when I entered…. his eyes lit up as they always did when I entered a room. “Dad, you did it, you fixed my purse.” I gave my Daddy a big hug. “Thank you Daddy! I love you.”

Dad’s reply. “You’re welcome honey. You look beautiful. Have a good time.”

On the arm of my date, as I stepped out the front door wearing my poofy black satin dress with my treasured Dad given and repaired evening purse over my shoulder, I turned back to smile at Daddy, our eyes met in our special love,  my knowing of his pride in me and my respect  for and trust in him.

My Dad has been gone four years, memories often come to me of all theDadandmemahog special ways that he treated me that instilled his pride, love and created my self-worth as a woman. That imprinted, taught and showed me how I want, need, must be treated by any man and most certainly ‘the special man’ in my life.

Those moments of love, respect and pride that my Dad instilled in me created my worth. My Father,  a master engineer and builder who built the Valdez terminal in Alaska, refineries and nuclear power plants around the world, this former Navy man, pro-baseball player, pilot, yachtsman, golfer, intellectual giant, leader in his industry, accomplished masculine towering man, sat in his kitchen late on a Saturday afternoon foregoing sports on TV,  with tools and a needle and thread Daddy at pooland worked on my purse, until it was fixed perfectly for me, his precious blessed to be his daughter, because this man of so many worldly accomplishments knew his most prized and devout duty was that of being a Father.

Recently, I reconnected in friendship with my first college boyfriend and he told me how the talks with my Dad and the way in which he observed my Father treating me, molded him as a man throughout his whole life. That he observed a man protective of his daughter and that he knew, that I knew, my Dad, while being tough on me in order to stretch and to build my character, at the same time, would always protect me.  He recalled that even as immature as he was at nineteen, that when I took hold of his arm, even though I was strong, independent, out going and capable, that I expected him to protect me. And I do recall, this young man did protect me. He also told me after knowing me at eighteen, nineteen and not having seen me since I was twenty… and us now meeting up again decades later… that my Dad would be impressed and proud of the woman I have become. That I have femininity filled with my Dad’s strength of character and intelligence. And that he knew in a relationship that I  must feel safe with a man because I felt safe with my Dad because that is the world he created for me.  What a compliment and a blessing to have him share this with me.

On the flip side of this…My Dad wasn’t perfect and he also left negative imprints for me to see clearly, to break against, understand and to grow past. Because of his perfectionism and great accomplishments, while feeling loved,  I also had the imprint on me that if I wasn’t perfect, I was not worthy of love. Dad was tough on me, and held me accountable and would turn cold even harsh and withholding, when I displeased him and when those times occurred, I felt rejected, ugly, dumb, and unloved. So all my life I have been dealing with this imprint. Interesting, huh? As much as my Father’s imprint on me was that I was protected and loved…there was also the imprint that if I wasn’t perfect, I was not worthy of love.  Part of the duality on this planet and my growth to  recognize  and overcome to achieve wholeness.

As I have grown into life and full awareness, everything my Dad was as a Father, role model and teacher continues to incorporate fully in me and my psyche… both the positive and the negative. And I am fortunate that the tough way he dealt with me, at times,  and the way that he held me accountable, created  strength in me enough to have the tools to grow past his negative imprints. When you recognize the humanity in your parents is when you heal your wounds. What a blessed gift.

A Dad leaves his mark on the world by the love he gives his children along with many others as this gift floods out into the world.

A Father creates self-worth or not, in his children in everything that he does; by example, by actions, by words, and by unspoken looks.

Dad&Annbday2My Father was the example of a fine, great, generous, provider, a giver, a protector and even a fixer of chain woven with satin on a purse that created a memory in my heart that will last forever.

In the later years of my Father’s life, he shared  many deep feelings with me about his life, his choices, and about his love for me that revealed clearly his deep love for me, so that could release more of the pieces of that imprint that I am not worthy of love unless I am perfect.

Happy Father’s Day to my Father who is now in Heaven looking over me. Thank you for the gift of you in my life.

Ladies, don’t ever settle for less than your worth… Every woman, if  she was fortunate to have a good Father, deserves a man that treats her accordingly.  This is the blessed gift of a great man and Father, he knew in his soul the worth of women.

Also, the way a child observes the way their parents treat one another provides the standard with which they either will emulate or break against in their own relationships .

Ephesians 5:25-29 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

Ephesians 5:28 

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Genesis 2:24 

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

—The way a man treats women defines his character, his soul, and his life.

Jesus loved and respected women.

We are all perfect in God our Father’s eyes.  As our Fathers on earth  define and polish us, in some people’s eyes, their Father on earth defines how they think God deals with, or thinks of them, defining  spiritual connection of peace, worth and security in self.  And this is another reason the Fathers of this world are so important.

Happy Father’s Day to all you great men in the world!

Family

We are who we are because of who brought us into this world…

the example that they displayed, the environment that they created and their ancestral lineage. And this makes us all individuals…

Were you a planned for child with basinet and layette awaiting your arrival? Or were you unplanned for, an accident of two teenagers? Did you come from a night of random, meaningless, mindless sex? If so, you have much to deal with as you grow as a human being…

Or were your parents two adults that knew what bringing a child into this world entails and the responsibility of it?  Even if your parents were thinking about you, and what future you might have before you were conceived, you will still have trials and challenges in your life. Were your parents clueless, reckless and only concerned with themselves? Did your Dad stay with your Mother and help rear you? Do you even know who your father is?

These familial beginnings create who you are and how you perceive your world. And none of us are the same. Even siblings reared in the same environment have different imprints and perceptions. If your parents did drugs, steal, or live off the government, that is probably what you will also do. It’s a rare one that pulls out of their familial examples and environment, especially if it is a destructive and abusive one. But occasionally, these bad examples can show a person exactly what they don’t want to be… so an opposition can occur.

Families create who children are and who they become. Families are the backbone of our country.  A person’s parents are their lineage, their example, the rock that they break themselves upon, the abuse that they endure, or the solidness of love that sustains them, or maybe, a bit of it all. It’s where self-esteem lives, or dies. It’s where morals, honor and standards are instilled. It’s where we learn how to interact and treat others. It’s the basis for most everything that we are….

It’s not the schools. It’s more the family. When I grew up, I felt like school was an interruption to my education. I was mostly bored while there. Sure, I had friends and learned some…umm, or did I really? Well, I learned what not to do, or be and that’s a certainty… many kids smoked and were promiscuous and this was not me. I rejected peer pressure because of who I am and what I was taught at home. I read voraciously and studied on my own and went to ballet everyday after school. My life began once school was over. School was something I endured…

I stayed home from school when our decorator came, as I loved to ask her questions and learn from her. I learned more from her than I ever did at school and I later became a decorator.

It’s the family, the home environment, what you see as an example and what you are exposed to through your family that makes the most profound imprint on you.

That is why so many in our world today lack in manners, morals, values, motivation, refinement and common sense. Little is being seen as an example in families even if they do have a family environment. Many families today are fragmented, broken, and corrupted internally as well as externally.

Looking to the government and the schools has and is creating a disaster. It’s the example of two parents, a traditional family that creates an internally solid person and therefore, a solid world.

I am not ignoring that alternative families can be successful, but it is more difficult and why risk the life of a child to chance and experimentation?

A child is a terrible thing to waste. Bringing children into this world is the most important and profound decision that most will ever make.  And now, we have more unwed mothers, absent fathers and self-indulgent, irresponsible people bringing children into this world and it is lowering the standards of our world to almost nothing These people, many times, rely on the government to take care of them and their children and it is disgusting.

I say back to the traditional family, and Judeo/Christian values to lift our world back to higher standards. Families take care of their own. The government is no ones’ family and those that rely on it, or are dependant on it, are fools that have been fooled.

Just as with a doctor… they can’t ‘make’ you healthy… only you can take care of your health… a doctor assists when there is a need. Relying on a doctor to ‘give’ you health is as ignorant as relying on the government to give you a lifestyle.

The family is key … everything else is secondary and the government is nothing, but an entity that should be small and play a minuscule part in anyone’s life.

We are individuals. Not equal, but with equal opportunity in our individual circumstances that are God given. No one knows the reasons for your circumstances, but you and God…
Agree or not?

Family

Playing on Tulsa Time!

by Ann
While in Tulsa recently, on a hot, humid day, my much loved niece, Cory, and I spent a day playing and walking down memory lane.  Cory drove us around in her new Subaru.First, we went to the Gap, where Cory works. 

Then  off to lunch, at the Wild Fork restaurant, in Utica Square…

Where we pigged out on almost a taste of everything, including onion strings. Total YUM!
Then shopping. shopping and more shopping, following a 24 year-old around, while she shops for what to wear when her boyfriend, Ryan, comes in from OU, is well, exhausting, but fun. I was once the very same way. My choice back in the day, was Miss Jackson’s.

Most of the time, we dressed more formally than the young people of today. 
 


I also worked part time at Miss Jackson’s, while attending TU.
Later in the day, it was back to Dad’s…

 

A nice relaxing day, playing in a more laid back timeframe then in Dallas… Love it! Good ole Tulsa time!

Family

Family…the good, the bad and the craziness!

by Ann
My sisters and I hosted a small celebratory dinner for Dad for his 86th birthday, with most of his immediate family and a couple of his friends, in attendance. Like most families, we have the jokester, the tormentor, and the usual sarcasm. We know each other’s secrets and some other things, too. We get along then we don’t. We love each other, but could annihilate with a glance or an admission, as in. “I recall, when thus and so happened.” Some get along well, some better than others and some don’t get along well at all. Some are jealous, some arrogant, some too sweet and kind. Some honest and some manipulative, as they listen and observe what’s happening then lay in wait to use it to their advantage, or to laugh, or jab about it at a later date.

Some think eating at McDonald’s is the greatest, while others never eat fast food and everyone thinks that they are right. Some drink a lot and others not much. And pictures can be deceiving… as the one holding two wine bottles doesn’t indulge much at all.

Some are happy. Some are genuine and some are fake. Some are silly, some are serious and most are a mix of everything depending on their mood. Some will be angry that I put this on the internet. Others will think it’s cool! Pretty much the typical family!

And we have a former, Bishop of Oklahoma, to bless it all! Through it all and in spite of everything, there is the connection of love. We are family! Family is the backbone of America. Not the government, but FAMILY. Those with it have a strength and support and don’t have the need to lean on others. Thank you Dad for being our impervious leader. 

Happy Birthday Dad!!! 

I love you very much!

Dad with his four daughters…

“We are family! I’ve got all my sisters with me!”

Debbie did the work. We all just showed up!