We communicate by email. He apologizes and tells me how much he likes me. I apologize.

I inquire about his behavior and actions towards me as it makes no sense. Why tell a woman that he’s interested in her then treat her like dirt? 

I am running errands and driving, while we are talking on the phone, and it is pouring down rain.

“So, you drive hours to play in a golf tournament, but can’t pick me up and take me home when it’s only 25 minutes each way?”

He responds. “Golf is a different parallel.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing, ” What?!”…

He then orders me to pull over and to stop the car because he wants to tell me something. And he is insistent that I be parked when he does.

I think, what a freak show, as I inquire, “So, are you a transvestite? Are you married? Are you a serial killer? Are you….?”

He responds through laughter, “No! No!”

We communicate better over the phone than in person. In person, this ‘communication is so important’ man, freaks out and freezes over.

I stop in a shopping center parking lot, “Okay so, what is it?” Thinking what could this ordinary, emotionally and directionally challenged, appears successful, older man, and God only knows whatelse, have to tell me that is so shocking that I must stop the car to hear it?

“I have a venereal disease. I have had it for thirty years, but it is under control. I take daily medication.  I am not telling you because I assume that we will have se with me. I am telling you because I really like you awhole lot and it could head that way. If I wait too long and tell a woman and they have become emotionally attached to me then it is horrible. Everyone gets hurt. So, this is why I acted the way that I did. I knew that if we continued to date that I would have to tell you at some point. You can’t get it as long as I take my medication. Some women after I tell them won’t even touch me.”

I think, good freaking grief as I listen to him emotionally throw up. I am glad that he is revealing this, but what a project this man is. He has so many issues and having sex with him was never ever going to happen anyway, even before he revealed this, not a chance in hell, not if hell froze over, not if he was the only man on earth. He is about as sexy and attractive as a ‘venereal disease’. And the way that he treated me was as if he was punishing me for everything in his life that was bad.

“How did you get this?” I inquire as I recall his confession about how he used to sleep with so many and left many broken hearted in his wake…. difficult as that is to believe….

“From my wife, she had it and didn’t tell me. I got it on our honeymoon. I have been dealing with this for thirty years. It’s not that big of a deal. Many people have it. It’s called the ‘love bug’ in Europe because so many have it.”

I think GROSS! So he slept with all those women and had this… I wonder did they know? Is that the real reason that they got so upset with him?

And now, he’s trying to ‘sell’ me on a venereal disease that in Europe it’s even chic to have it. I laugh internally, as I start my car, continue my errands, and listen to him go on and on and on and on about his issue and its implications. That he likes me so much and would like to get to know me and spend time with me.

I feel sick to my stomach…

I feel sorry for him and well, I guess, he’s placing his vulnerability in me by telling me this. But it’s alll been so inappropriate. He treats me horribly and now dumps this on me.  He is just a person to me, nothing more… I don’t want him to feel worse about himself, but as a woman…!?!?!?!?!?!  Whoa! Perhaps, it was fortunate that he treated me so strangely so that any possibility of my ever caring about him became impossible.

After he emotes at length, I excuse myself from the phone call.

Snuggling in at home, with time to breathe, I have lasagna and wine and am so glad to be alone…

But this man blew it on all levels. His distracted, insulting treatment of me made me not even think of him as a potential anything, so when he told me his deep dark secret, I was repulsed. This was not the time to tell me. Why would he tell me then… throwing up on me again, expecting what? Was he hoping, thinking, that I would accept him with all his problems, even after the rude way that he treated me? This was one of the strangest encounters I have ever had …CRAZY!

I have not dealt with this kind of an issue (venereal disease) before, so this brings me to… when is it appropriate to reveal this kind of an issue? And how do you do it?

And listen up! This is an older, appears conservative man, and he has a venereal disease, so, you can never be too careful. And my recommendation is before having sex  that you really get to know one another and have deep talks and prove each is clear of disease…

Out of all his strange behavior, I never would have thought this was the reason….
 
Okay… discuss… What would you have said or done? What would your reaction have been?

He heads to my house late-afternoon, for a date to a movie then out to dinner. He texts me for my address and directions, even though, he should’ve had this info. I sent him a detailed email previously and he was at my house only a couple of weeks ago. But I send it to him again. He calls and texts, five, or more times, to find out more specific directions to my house. He exits incorrectly and I need to direct him. We live about 25 minutes apart and it is a straight shoot to get to where I live… easy as can be… so why so much drama and trauma concerning getting to my house?

We head for the movie theatre. I have to repeatedly give him directions and this is the same theatre that we went to a couple of weeks ago. He states that he is not good at directions… well, Duh! And that he has other redeeming qualities. I ponder, Really, umm… I’ll see…

At the theatre, I order a frappuccino and give the server specific instructions as to what I would like. The usual Starbucks order…light, half caffe.. etc.

He smirks in ‘a making fun of me kind of way’ as I exclaim, “What?” His response. “When I observe people being so specific and exact in what they want, I wonder, if can I make them happy. Like choosing a restaurant for Sat. night.”

“So, should I order what I want or not?” (realizing he makes everything about him, even my ordering what I want.)

I inquire, “Where were you thinking for Sat.?”

He tells me and I respond, “Good choices”, then state two of which I like the most.

We wait in the theatre. We are there 45 minutes early, even with his ‘get to my house drama’, because ‘Mr. Critical, No Continuity, Communicator’ got the time incorrect. He shovels popcorn down his throat and I sip my frap. I try to chat a bit, but when he turns to reply, his eyes look over my head, or past me. No eye contact. I feel like I am in some ‘surreal and strange war-like situation,’ and have no idea why. Why is he with me, if he can’t look me in the eye and barely talks, or responds?

His phone rings and he answers to confirm a golf tournament. He’s talkative enough on the phone call…

During the movie, he says loudly to the movie screen, “I love when things are black and white!”, referring to what is being said on screen.
 
I am startled by how loudly he speaks and why to the screen? He then refers to the woman character on the screen, commenting that he likes how strong she is, but he doesn’t look at me while talking…kind of talks out of the side of his mouthe. 

Ummm, he told me on our first date that he liked how sure and strong that I am and now he is making fun of me and putting me down.

After the movie, we head out to find a place to eat.

“Where do you want to go?” he asks.

I am tired of giving directions and tired of being criticized for picking places that he doesn’t like because they are too loud. I am tired of being ‘the man’ on the date. Why hasn’t he thought of places to go?  I’d rather just go on home, but I suggest a restaurant where I have gone for years. I know where to sit, so it isn’t loud, so that he can ‘hopefully’ communicate… Good grief! What am I dealing with here? I am catering to this ‘baby/man’ and he is ignoring me.
  
As we head down the street towards the restaurant, I continually need to keep directing him forward. I feel like I am with some inept child that I am having to guide all the way.

He valets the car and we enter. I request my table, which is available and is off to the side, so it won’t be too loud, so perhaps, the noise won’t distract ‘Mr. Fragile’.

He smirks as he kids about having my own table. By this time, I am so over him, that I am about to blow… but I remain polite. We order appetizers and he orders a drink.  I am not hungry. I feel tense and uncomfortable. While I talk, he looks to the side. While he talks, he looks to the side. 

I’ve had it!  I look him directly in the eyes and speak strongly, as I tell him about dating a doctor that had lots of money and didn’t understand why his wife left him. I tell him about another wealthy man that I dated that had a polo field in his front yard and a huge house that he built for his wife and kids and his wife left him and the kids never came to see him. I told him that these men had ‘things’, but didn’t know how to connect, engage, or communicate with a woman. That the few times, I went out with them that it was boring and I felt alone. They were all about themselves, their hobbies, and their things and they didn’t connect with me, while telling me how much they liked me.

He got red in the face as I talked. I had struck a nerve and he was outted.

I felt bad for being hard on him. So, as the evening continued, I told him that a few weeks earlier when it was storming outside. I felt alone and thought about calling him, but didn’t.

He said that he wished I had because, it would’ve made me seem ‘real’.

I think, ‘me’ … ‘real’? He’s the one who’s not real.  How could I call man for comfort who only cares about himself and doesn’t connect?

I told him that I didn’t call because I felt I would be ‘bothering him’.. he said that he wants to be the protector and I said that is what I would like to feel… that I can relax and be protected and cared for.

He said that he would like to cuddle during a storm. I said,  “Me, too.”

It seemed that we had a ‘nice moment’, but…

The rest of the evening was, well… I nibbled my dinner as we decide that Saturday, we would eat at his house and he would cook. That he would like that because he went out so often for business and didn’t eat at home much. That he would grill out because all he would need to do is to flip some meat on the grill. He asked what I like in my salad. Did I like cucumbers so on and so forth. His intense questions about salad ingredients and planning were tedious and over done. It was as if he had some need to plan every detail of what to have and what to do.

He also stated that he didn’t want to drive to my house to get me then have to take me back to my house. I am stunned hearing this ‘man’ say this… but…

For some reason? I respond, (while thinking what a lazy creep), that I wouldn’t mind driving to his house Sat. (I was curious to see where and how he lived. He told me that his house wasn’t all that organized, since, he had only lived there for ’39’ days in the past year. He often mentioned boxes that he needed to go through and unpack. I wondered, was he one of those hoarders like they show on TV? This man had become a mystery to solve, instead of a date.)

I asked him why didn’t he look at me when I was talking? Did he find me unattractive? He told me that he thinks I am gorgeous, intelligent and other positive things.

“Gorgeous?! You don’t even look at me. I felt like I was alone. In the theatre, when I was just making small talk you barely responded.”

“We were in a movie and I was distracted.”

My response. “The movie hadn’t even started.”

“But things were on the screen.”

Talking to this man is so frustrating. He is defensive, claims to always be distracted and blames everything on others, instead of looking at himself. There is always something wrong with the restaurant, or something else… What is really up with this man? I can’t talk in a restaurant, before a movie begins, or while he is driving…This is insanity!

While waiting for the valet, he stands there with a pouting expression. His face is red and he has this nasty, but abstract look on his face. I hook my arm through his and try to lighten the mood, (I feel sorry for him.) but, of course, it doesn’t work. All he offers is complete silence. This man that claimed on our first date that communication was so important, can’t communicate at all.

His car is brought around and we get in. There is a car blocking us. So, we can’t leave. Finally, a man gets out of the car and the ‘man’ I am with, yells out of the window. “Why don’t you move?! Other people want to drive out?!!”

Then he says to me, while, of course, not looking at me. “This is another bad thing about me.”

Driving down the street, he almost hits an older couple walking across the street.
He brakes, exclaiming. “I didn’t even seen them!”

I ask. “Why not? The lights? What? Are you ADD? You tease about it often enough. So, are you? What’s wrong with you?”

“Aren’t all successful men a bit ADD?”

We ride to my house in almost silence.

Except for my comment, “Well, I communicated honestly and you seem not to like that I did.”

At my front door, I walk in and he stands at the threshold like some pouting kid.

“So, are we eating at your house on Sat.or what?” ( while I think, this man is an idiot, why am I trying to be nice to him?)

“Let me think about it.”

I respond, “Think about it? Let’s forget it. If you think, I am gorgeous and are interested in me, yet don’t look me in the eyes and treat me with such disregard, I don’t know how you will connect with any woman.”

Then he pulls me to him and ties to kiss me. I push him away and close the door.

I feel beaten up by some guy that told me that he wanted to get to ‘know me’ and to ‘date me’….

Okay! So, what’s your take?
I have, of course, reviewed and reflected.. but let’s discuss…

Side note: Even if you plan on being late to your own funeral, lateness to a date signifies indolence, disrespect, immaturity, and downright lameness! If you’re going to be ten or fifteen minutes late, it’s polite to let your date know. This could mean the difference between a warm welcome and a cold shoulder. If it’s convenient, talk in person, rather than relying on lazy communication… texting and emailing.

He told me that he had been married once for 20 years and that she left him for another man, and he didn’t understand why. That she didn’t communicate well, and didn’t tell him that she was unhappy, and to him communication is everything. He had been focusing on his career and ‘planning’ their financial security. And in the divorce, she got a hefty amount of money. He seemed bitter about the money and that she married the man with whom she was having the affair. 

After that, he dated lots, had many sexual encounters that meant nothing. He stated that he left many dead bodies in his wake, but that was in those days. (I pondered, he’s not all that attractive, so umm, why were ‘all’ these women ‘sleeping’ with him? I’d think it’d be more like he was the dead body left in their wake.) Then more recently, he had a four year relationship, that ended months ago. She, too, had another man. She lived in his house in one town, while he lived in another for his business. I asked why he hadn’t married her. He claimed, “I suspected that she was after me for my money and didn’t really love me.”

He said that ‘continuity’ and ‘communication’ were the issues in both relationships and it was because of his work. I asked why this last woman didn’t move to where he lived and he said she had kids, was working, and in her business she worked primarily on the weekends.

As we talked, I noticed that his eyes became glassy. He had a drink, while he was waiting for me, and as I stated, we had wine with dinner. He had played golf that day and in my experience with golfers (was married to two and dated many), I knew that with some, the 19th hole is often too much a part of the game. 

I pretty much enjoyed talking with him. He was attentive, complimentary, liked my looks, my dark hair, and said that when I walked in his heart skipped a beat. He stated that he likes my take charge attitude, intelligence, obvious strength, and the fact, that I know what I want and what I like. He told me that he was tired of dating and would like to see if we can make a go of it. 

At times, during dessert, he would hold my hand and it felt ‘kind of nice’, but also a bit ‘strange’. When a person touches me, I usually know instantly, if I am attracted or not, but I didn’t know, or felt pretty much nothing with this man…

He went onto explain that he had plenty of money and wanted to travel and enjoy life. That sounded good, in that, I am done with men who have so much baggage, ex-wives, children with issues, etc, that they can’t focus on me, our relationship, and just have fun…

To which I nodded, “Okay fine, let’s get to know one another.” He walked me to my car and as a matter of conversation, I asked what kind of car he drives. His reply, “I have a fleet.”

Umm.. I thought pretentious and braggadocios… 

We hugged good night with plans to get together two weeks from then, on a Saturday night.

For a man that expressed such interest in me, I ‘think’ he called me ‘once or twice’ and emailed a couple of times and texted. (I can’t stand texting with someone I barely know. I think texting is impersonal) So, in an email, I expressed that I prefer talking on the phone.(Sure this is an age of technology, but texting and emailing are lazy communication to ask someone out, cancel, or even to announce you’re going to be late. Anyone who is reliant on texts, or emails to keep in touch is a red flag as someone who might be lazy in relationships as well as in the bedroom.)

But I rationalized, he’s retiring, tieing up loose ends… so whatever…

I went out of town and he did communicate by email and phone.

Our next date, I picked a Mexican restaurant. He picked me up in an ‘upscale’ sports car, Maserati or Ferrari, I don’t recall which. He informed me that he wasn’t going through a ‘mid-life’ crisis (reference to the car, I’m guessing), that he had done that years ago, and he only drove ‘this car’ on occasion. I like cars and have dated guys with the best of the best. A car is not relevant to whether I connect with someone. The character of and connection with the man is what matters.

On the drive to the restaurant, he didn’t talk. I tried to make small talk, but he didn’t respond. When he asked, if he should turn, and I responded that I wasn’t sure. When he realized that it was the way. He snipped. “You should’ve said, yes turn.” To which I replied. “But, I wasn’t sure.”  while I thought, what a grumpy jerk. Were I not hungry and were we not in front of the restaurant, I would’ve said. ‘How about take me home, Bucko?’

At the restaurant, we sat off to the side. I suggested the table, since the restaurant was loud and we agreed that we liked it quieter.  As I was trying to communicate, I realized he wasn’t looking me in the face. He was detached and distracted.

We would connect for a moment then it would swing back to his being aloof. So, I enjoyed the food, thinking, well, he must’ve met someone else, or isn’t that interested, and so what…because I am not having much fun and after he snapped at me in the car… well…

Walking out of the restaurant, he took my hand as we walked to the car.. ummm…
Mixed signals…

In the car, I asked, if he had ever been in love (knowing this is a self-absorbed man. Then I thought that he might have a lot on his mind ‘retiring’, and he had also informed me that he was remodeling his house.)

He got a strange, abstract look on his face and hemmed, hawed and didn’t answer. 

I prodded. “This is not a difficult question. Don’t you know if you have ever been in love? I could answer this question immediately.”

Again, no eye contact, as he told me that he needed to focus on driving. Chuckling, that this was his ADD and he could only do one thing at a time. That he didn’t drive this car often and needed to be careful and focus. So, on our second date, he is more concerned with some car than talking to and getting to know me. I felt so cared for (sarcasm). Was he trying to impress me with the car, or why even drive it?
 
He can’t talk and drive? ADD? Um really? Many use this overused term humorously, when they can’t be emotionally available, or communicate. It seems the whole world is ADD or ADHD. He ‘appears’ a successful man, therefore, he can control himself enough to function in business.

Before the movie started, I attempted conversation as he wolfed down popcorn. He barely responded and again didn’t look me in the eyes when he did. From his energy, I felt stress. I felt alone on this ‘date’ … ‘to get to know one another’. Ummm… is this how, perhaps, all the women in his life felt? Because on the second date, I am pondering, ‘affair’. I need another man…HAHAHAHA!… I have never had an affair in my life and never would… but being with man was like being alone…

Movie over, we ran to the car holding hands as it was windy and cold. I suggested going to a wine bar that I like (thinking it might be relaxing, as I was feeling strange and was not enjoying the evening thus far. So, I was giving an effort to have some fun.) 

His response. “I’m tired.”

At my house. I exited the car fast, ran up to my front door and opened it. I was done with this guy and glad to be home.

But he stepped in the door and told me that he would like to talk with me. I felt like I was being called into the principle’s office, but was polite and invited him in.

He emotionally threw up concerning a recent dating experience with a woman who apparently liked him, but he didn’t like her. He went on and on about the details of it. That he broke up with her and she cried and cried. I asked him what he did to encourage her and he said nothing. He didn’t know why she reacted the way that she did. Except, that her husband had died and he didn’t want to be some rebound guy. But that she had asked him if he had ever been loved.

So, when I asked him, if he had ever been in love, this is why he didn’t answer in the car because it triggered what she had asked.

I could tell that this man has issues and that relationships with women are not his best suit even though he considers himself such a ‘good communicator’.  And he never knows ‘why’ the women leave him, or react like they do.

I inquired. “So, have you ever loved, or been loved?”

With a pouty child-like expression, “Not unconditionally.”

My response, “Only parents love you unconditionally.”

Angrily, “Well, mine didn’t”. 

I brought up his detachment behavior in the restaurant and he told me that it was the noise that distracted him. That our first date was perfect, but this restaurant that I had chosen was loud. (As if  his behavior was my fault.)

He apologized and revealed that his retirement was weighing on him. He had lots of loose ends to tie up. 

I stated. “Anyone can have a bad day, so let’s chalk it up to that.” I was so ready to have this man leave.

We ended the evening and planned to see each other in a couple of weeks when he moved back.He kissed me lightly, barely touching. (while I pondered, if I even wanted to go out with him again.) As I felt exhausted after the evening. 

We communicated by email, and, maybe, one phone call. I again told him that the detachment dinner was worrisome and his sharing all that he did concerning some woman tedious. He over-explained, apologized and stated that he was just trying to explain his ‘distracted’ behavior. Communication on the phone was better than in person. Although, he said that he liked to talk in person rather than on the phone.

In about a week, he emailed that he would be in town and would like to take me to brunch and for a drive around the lake.

I was insulted being asked out by email. As the day went on… I thought whatever…I don’t have plans and it might be interesting to check him out again. So, I emailed back, sure, and suggested that he call me when he was on his way to town.

No call. The next morning, the morning that we were ‘supposed’ to have brunch… I got a TEXT! Stating that he was ill with food poisoning, or something, and that he was very sorry, but would need to cancel and that he would try to call me later…TRY?!  

The next day, he passed through my mind, so, I gave him a call to see if he was feeling better.

He sounded ill, but was dealing with repair people at his house. I offered to bring him food, or whatever. He thanked me and declined, but stated it was lonely being sick and all alone. He said he was leaving town the next day to go back to work and was looking forward to seeing me again when he was back for good, so that we could have ‘continuity’ in our relationship.

 Desperation…

Ask about how you are perceived and suggestions as to what you can do to overcome the obstacles. Be open to their advice, even though it might sting. Hopefully, you don’t choose friends who want to deliberately hurt you, or don’t care. Good friends and genuine people will be honest. But consider the source for any type of feedback, before you discard a friend, simply because they may have told you something, you didn’t want to hear.