Have you noticed when someone hurts you, they don’t like to be reminded of it, or to go over it, if you have the need to, in order, that they understand the full, extent of the damage they have done?
No! They want it all behind them, forgotten and gone.
Some seem to think that once they are done dealing with it that you should be too. And they may even become self-righteous about it.
These people, often times, will say, the past is in the past. It’s time to let it go and move forward… after a quick, “I am sorry”… or even a couple of “I’m sorry’s” they deem it’s all over and behind them. And things are good to go. Therefore, it should be over for you also. And if it’s not over for you.. they may respond self-righteously by word and attitude.. that something must be wrong with you if you can’t move forward and forget. They may admonish.. Can’t you forgive and forget? Can’t you go forward? They try to put the blame on you.
Well, how convenient for them.
Or they may say, I am a different person now, not the same at all, I have ‘changed’.
They know the only way it can/will be forgotten and to feel better about themsleves is when you will hopefully forget, as they claim to have ‘changed.’ Or perhaps, what they did is so horrible that they don’t want, or can’t claim, or even think about it because to do so makes them feel badly about themselves. They don’t really want to look at their self, as to what they really did, who they really are, or to realize just how badly they hurt others.
But, if they won’t, or can’t hear your pain, until the time, ‘you feel’ that you have been heard, I say they have not changed.
It takes strength to hear and own what you did to others in harm and many of the people, who cheat, have addictions, lie, con, twist, spin, steal and generally do harm really are deep down very weak…. even spineless…
Their hideous manipulative game is to throw others off so that it’s the harmed ones who begin to think that something is off with them, if they can’t go forward…
I think that until the person is able to listen to the one they harmed, claim and understand it all and to ‘feel’ what the other felt enduring the harm, they are not changed, but still escaping as, perhaps, is what they did in the first place… escaping into addiction. The nature of these people is avoidance and escape and they are usually passive/aggressive in their behavior.
People like this desire control over others and situations, after all, their addictions controlled for so long, so they still manipulate in that same vain whether they realize it or not.
So, until the one harmed feels that they have been heard and the one who did the harm claims it all … there can be no real change.
What’s more self-righteous then a recovering alcoholic who boasts about how long they have been sober… so in need of attention for their accomplishment that it becomes like an addiction. They put it out there as if demanding you respond. “Good job!” Well, hey! How about those who have never been addicted and who have suffered from those who are. Where is there applause for surviving each day? Where is their “good job” for surviving?
While I do think that ‘some’ people change, I think most don’t. And while I think forgiveness is key to letting go and moving forward. Forgiveness is not about forgetting… as in the past can be a strong indicator of the future.
If you forget the past, you will be doomed to recreate it and live it again. And that goes for people, relationships and countries.
Many times, those who have wronged you, just want you to ‘believe’ that they have changed, so they can wrong you again. As in the abuser who brings gifts and flowers… then abuses again and the cycle begins anew.
Those weak of character have trouble, won’t, or even can’t really look at themselves deeply, or with clarity, so of course, they want you to forget about their past. So, they can forget about it, too. But in order, for real change to be imprinted and implemented, they must look deep into the pain that they have inflicted onto others and own it. Why should the one harmed be condemned to carry the pain forever? But, of course, that is when forgiveness can enter and release it. Forgiveness is mostly for the one doing the forgiving, not the one being forgiven.
When one feels really heard, it is easier to forgive and thus the healing has benefits for both. A person who harms must hold themsleves accountable for that harm and not brush it off as in, ‘The past is the past, let’s move on.’ That is a flip statement, if all the depth of pain, listening and understanding hasn’t been delt with in full.
Then the comment, “I am a changed person. You wouldn’t know me now.” I don’t know how many times, I have heard this… and it’s rarely truth. They are the same person, but have just acquired a different way to harm, manipulate, control, ‘side-step’, another addiction or escape. And that escape may very well be just a moving on past it all… I mean how tedious for them to hear what they have done to damage others. It’s just not worth ‘their precious’ time…onward to bigger and better things.. even if it’s onward to more harm.
I was, at one time, married to a man who was a cheater, a gambler and an alcoholic. After being exposed and caught, he spent much time ‘trying to convince’ me that he had changed…so that, I would not leave him. I gave him some chances, but he never did change for more than a week. I kicked him out of the house, after he told me he would never, never cheat again and that he loved me and only me. One week after he was gone, a suspicious letter came to our house addressed to him. I opened it. It was from an airline attendant that he was having an affair with in another state.
So gee! I guess his claims to change were a lie and a con.
Do you think people can really change, change their character and change their behaviors? Addictions create chaos in lives, and those addicted cannot be trusted because they are all about escaping responsiblity and truth. If they address their addiction, does their character really change? Maybe some do, but perhaps, many only change their addiction, escape plan and route to get there. Run away. Fly away. Side-step. Hide.
At least, this is what I have found in my experiences. What do you think?
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