Tag Archives: love

The Haircut…

When I was eleven…

 I want to have a new grown up hairstyle.  I’ve had a ponytail for such a long time.  I’ve been looking through magazines, studying the pictures and see most of the girls have shorter hair.

          I want to have a cute, short, stylish hairstyle, too.  All the girls in the magazines have short, straight hair.  The length of their hair is just below their chin.  My hair is below my shoulders, thick and wavy and it gets in my way.  So I wear it in a ponytail most all the time.  I feel like a baby.

          Many of the girls at school are getting their hair cut short.  So I ask my mom if I can get my hair cut short, too.  She asks, “Are you certain you want to get your ponytail cut off?”  “Yes, I am sure!” I answer.  She makes an appointment with the stylist who does her hair. The appointment is on Friday afternoon just before a birthday party at a friend’s house.  My hair is going to be new, a surprise for the party.

          I get my hair cut just like in the picture that I show the hair dresser.  It looks real cute.  I love it!  The hair dresser blows my hair dry with a blow dryer.  My hair is straight, full, and beautiful.  I look real old – like a teenager!  I barely recognize myself. I’m  excited to go to the party and to show off my new hair style.  The party is fun and everyone loves my hair.  I feel so grown-up and sophisticated.

The next day when I wake up, my hair looks kind of wild. I’m use to sleeping with my hair in a ponytail.  In fact, my hair was always in a ponytail.  I go outside to play.  I’m doing my usual Saturday stuff – running all over out-of-doors playing with my friend, Jane. We go inside her house and I go into the bathroom.  I take a look at my hair to admire my new, grown up, sophisticated self. 

Oh my goodness!  My hair is standing out all over the place.  It’s frizzy and awful. I look terrible!  I look like a wild woman!  It’s real humid outside and I have the kind of hair that gets frizzy in rainy weather.  What am I going to do?  Jane comes in and we try to do something with my hair but it’s too short to put it in a ponytail.  Jane still has her ponytail.  I wished I still had mine.  I don’t like this new hair cut.  It’s too much trouble to take care of.  I don’t know how to fix it right.  Jane says that she liked my ponytail better, too.

          Then, Jane’s older sister and mother come home.  When they see me, they ask, “What did you do to your hair?” I reply, “I got it cut.” Trying to hold my chin up, I say, “It’s the newest style.”  They say they liked my ponytail better.

          Quickly, I tell Jane that I have to go home.  I run across the street barely holding back the tears.  I run into the house and run into my bathroom to try to do something with this awful hair.  I’m crying and  call out for my mother.  She comes in to try and help me, but no one can do anything with this hair.  I’m stuck with this awful frizzy hair until it grows out and I can put it into a ponytail again.  Mother says you will get use to fixing your new hair style.  It will just take practice.  Nothing she says can help.

          Something comes over me. I’m overwhelmed by the realization of what I have done.  I was trying to be so grown up and sophisticated.  Instead, I look like a wild woman.  I’m crying real hard.  I go out to the family room where my mother is sitting on the sofa.  I’m crying so hard. I don’t remember ever crying this hard since I was a baby. 

          I’m crying and saying “Mother, I’m so ugly now.  I will never be pretty again. I wrecked myself!”  I’m crying uncontrollably.  Mother takes me in her lap.  I’m crying so hard, the hardest, I ever remember crying.  I’m saying over and over how ugly that I think I am because of my haircut.  My mother is holding me and saying that it will grow, not to worry and to stop crying. That it will be alright.  I’m sitting on my mother’s lap as if I am a baby. Straddling her lap and leaning into her body.  It feels so good to be sitting on my mother’s lap and having her hold me close.  She smells so good, a fresh clean smell like flowers, only not. I relax and let my body go limp as she holds me.  I sense that this will be the last time my mother holds me like this because I’m too old for my mother to hold me like a baby.

          Then I snap out of it and realize as I come back to my senses. I’m not a baby, so why am I sitting in my mother’s lap crying?  I push away but my mother pulls me close to her again, as she says, “Don’t pull away. I haven’t held you like this in so long. It feels so good to hold you.  I don’t get to hold you anymore, since you have become such a big girl.”  I stay there a minute more feeling the closeness and comfort of my mother as her smell permeates my being. Then I pull back and away and get up because I feel embarrassed.  Embarrassed by the closeness, by the feelings and embarrassed by thinking, I’m too old to be sitting in my mother’s lap.

After crying so hard though, I feel a lot better. My hair will grow and until it does I can figure out something to do with it.  I will think long and hard before I take another picture into a beauty shop again and say give me this hairstyle. Actually, I don’t think I have ever done so again.

I recall how good it felt to hold my mother and to be in her arms sitting in her lap.  It was the last time that she ever did hold me like that in full childhood abandonment of joining as one with my mother.  I remember that feeling always. The imprint is on my heart.  I wonder if my mother remembers.

My awareness is I wonder why as we get older, it is sometimes so difficult to be close to our parents?  I wonder why as a child, I believed I was a ‘baby’ if I sought comfort from my mother? Where did this belief in me come from? Where does this belief come from in our society? But as we grow up, it’s emotionally healthy to separate from our mothers to become autonomous with the ability to self-comfort.  Those who don’t separate from their mothers lose who they are and can stay as weak, needy children for their whole lives.

Many, many years later, one evening, my mother had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. I was an adult, living in another state. Daddy called and told me that her stroke was so bad that it was futile to operate. They were letting God take care of her. I made airline arrangements to go see my mother the next day.

Early in the morning while I was sleeping, around three or so, I had a dream-like memory of my mother holding me like on that day when I was eleven distraught about my haircut and thinking I was ruined and ugly. I felt her arms around me and the warmth and love coming from her was magnificent, much stronger than it had even been on that day.  Tears ran down my face as I felt my mother’s love and felt her so very close to me.

The next morning early, Daddy called crying  to tell me mother had died about three that morning.

In the months thereafter, oftentimes, when I would get up in the middle of the night, say to use the restroom, or if I would just awaken, I would smell the fresh fragrance of my mother.  This occurrence stayed with me for several years, in the most unexpected times, but usually at night, late when I was quiet and to myself. And in places, where there were no smells. I wear no perfumes and can’t stand artificial odors so that fragrance came from nowhere in the places where I lived.

  In times of stress,  loneliness or unhappiness, and at times before I go to sleep, I  pull to me the feelings and memory of being in my mother’s lap and her holding me close to her heart.

A story from my book. Look for it to be out this July.

 

The energy of love…

pearlsandrosesheadshot6Woman is God’s gift to man. Genesis 2:18,20,23,24 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; …

“There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God’s finger on man’s shoulder.” Charles Morgan

gods-gift

Love is energy flowing. It’s action.  The real reason you love someone, if the love is genuine is because of their energy… the energy of their soul. You may be attracted by appearance or something else.  But genuine love is not about a great body, a bank account, a car, or anything else but energy… the spirit of the energy from the heart and soul is what really attracts those to one another graced with the God given ability to know genuine love… “z

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In love, two opposites can come together to create perfection.

Peace is not the absence of conflict, it’s the ability to cope living with it.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.”  Paulo Coelho

“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” Bruce Lee

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“If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy.” Kristin Chenoweth

“There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Look to the left and click to follow…

Empath or narcissist?…

Ann June 18, 2016 -3The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist, the sooner they will spot one with less chance they will have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway,  they can  dig deep into their soul and recognize their strengths and capabilities then do everything they can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away.

Because a narcissist lives in their creation of  facade, illusion, delusion and idealization, through deception, projection, control and delusion, narcissists are skilled at twisting reality. They leave you anxious, confused and questioning your own sanity. Learn how to ignore the crazy-making and stand firm in your truth.

Some in the pop psychology culture deem that someone who takes selfies is a narcissist and that is false.  Because some narcissists hate photos of themselves because they hate themselves, when self is really all they have the capability to care about.  They may have illusions and delusions of how they ‘image’ themselves and when a photo doesn’t match that image they can’t stand it.

Narcissism  is a pattern of thinking and behaving which involves infatuation and obsession with ones self to the exclusion of others. It is very different from healthy narcissism which we all possess. The actual meaning of the depiction of Narcissus in Greek mythology looking into the lake and falling in love with his reflection, is that he only has the ability to care about wants and needs of self. He cares for no one, but self. It’s all about him and no one else and actually that comes from the inability to have genuine self-love with authenticity of self on the soul level. Narcissus fell in love with ‘image’ of self, not who he actually is…because he either hates who he is or doesn’t know who he is. Therefore, he tries to create the image that he wants others to see to cover up who he really is. ‘Image’ is all a narcissist has.

Authentic self-love is very different from a narcissistic obsession with self. It takes a person who loves self in the authenticity of who they are, that can truly look into a mirror, see  who they are, their flaws and all, and still accept and  love themselves. And, therefore,  be able to love another selflessly and authentically, able to accept flaws in another, give to and to understand the responsibility of another’s heart. Doesn’t mean that when you look into your mirror that you don’t want to change some things, but you authentically accept and love yourself, until you do.  It’s a type of unconditional self love… it’s what the narcissist craves, but can’t feel or give. So they seek to suck the energy of love and acceptance from others, but when they get it, they eventually turn to criticize, diminish and abuse those giving it.  Partly to  create distance,  partly to have no responsibility for another, partly to feed their own ego, so they can temporarily feel better about their self-lack, and partly because they don’t think they are worthy of the love and acceptance they are being given, and they so desire. So they devalue and destroy it along with the person giving it. This temporarily gives the narcissist the upper hand and a sense of power, of feeling important, and unattainable. But, they always did have the upper hand because most knew they were  disingenuous from the beginning. They can’t live in the reality of  love, harmony, peace and joy because they don’t have these things inside themselves. Our inner world creates the outer.

Add to that, narcissists are threatened by genuine self-confidence and anyone who has authentic self-love, peace and joy, because the narcissist does not have that ability. So they seek out people who can fill them up with what they are lacking, if only temporarily and, of course, it is temporary as the narcissist sooner or later always crashes into reality of self and will try to tear the other person down and keep them off kilter. Giving the narcissist a rush of power in their fragile ego as they control the emotions of another.

Narcissists only care about what they can get from others, be it an  emotional, high, ‘such as falling in love’, excitement, sex, power by association, money, distraction, or just that they feel something, anything to take them out of their non-feeling and self-loathing emptiness.  Narcissists are about what they can ‘get’ instead of what they can ‘give’.

Some narcissists appear to enjoy sex in the beginning; but what they enjoy is the excitement, seduction, and the rush of newness; as the relationship progresses, they may shut down or pull away from their partner sexually. Doing this, serves to give them another sense of power, by withholding what their partner desires. Many narcissists have no authentic connection to their bodies, when it comes to genuinely connecting to another, so sex soon becomes a chore or non-existent or meaningless as they go from one partner to another.

An empath is connected to body, mind and spirit, so sex to them is another expression of love. With a narcissist, sex is a means to an end, a way to control, or a rush to a high that they lose interest in, soon to be on the prowl for another conquest.

Narcissists don’t have the desire or energy to genuinely love anyone but themselves, unless when it serves them to, because suppressing their anger (narcissistic rage) and other emotions that can easily turn into depression (depression is anger turned inward) is all they have the energy for. They remain focused on self on every level. While they long to be fulfilled, they have no understanding that what genuinely fulfills, is to give and to care for another or others. 

Narcissists focus on escape, illusion of perfection, power, great wealth, that the whole world loves and revolves around them, winning the lottery and all sorts of objects and things, etc.  They idealize relationships and their dreams of pleasure and escape can change often and rapidly. They are never satisfied because it’s impossible for them to be, because they aren’t internally satisfied  with self. I am not speaking of ordinary adventures, dreams and ambition that most all of us have.  Because a narcissist is different, in that, they are never satisfied or happy even when they achieve or attain that which they are after,  and  with that realization, they can fall into an even deeper depression.

Their lives can be a roller coaster, a series of being seemingly happy then depression and they have no idea why. Since they idealize relationships, they will devalue what they have, always looking for more, the next shiny thing … on a constant quest, but never finding fulfillment, like a hamster on a treadmill. The grass is always greener in their world, but when reality hits hard, when they realize that it isn’t, they may fall into deeper depression. Remember, they have no ability to accept flaws in others because they can’t accept flaws in self.

Narcissists cannot/do not feel joy,  have flat or shallow  emotions, cannot genuinely love because love takes the ability to give, to be unselfish, compromise and narcissists do not have these abilities, because everything is about them.  In the beginning, when they are trying to achieve their narcissist supply, they can ‘act’ unselfish and giving, but this is only an ‘act’…   nothing is genuine or authentic with them and will not last for long.

 Narcissists are soul sick.

They  may appear controlled in their expressions and words, like an empty  kind of politeness… as if they have to think hard before they speak, so they can phase words just right for their orchestrated-agenda-filled effect – their self-created image. This is because, they aren’t authentic and don’t have genuine intention.  While the rest of us are just being who we are when we talk and move through life. That doesn’t mean that we don’t think about what we say and do, but most of the time it’s effortless. We can error, accept it, correct ourselves, genuinely apologize and continue on. A  narcissist’s apology is the most shallow words you will ever hear.

A narcissist’s  image is overly important to them since they have little to no internal core structure. They freak when their image is threatened as that touches to the base core of their fragile ego.

They, more often than not,  mimic emotions, behaviors, even dialogue and scenes in movies to be able to fit in, move though the world, seduce and to attain their narcissist supply. They may have dead eyes, even when they smile. Their lips smile, their face and eyes don’t. They study people to learn how to respond appropriately and practice how to act, in order, to appear a certain way when they want to be accepted.

Often times, they fall into a deep depression with no ability to feel, until their next shiny thing comes along with which they can pursue their narcissist supply… the rush of pursuit with goal to suck off of another’s emotions.

Narcissistic supply is easily seen in the romantic pursuit of relationships… but the same dance occurs, of course, in all levels, and activities in society.They fall in love as fast as they fall out of love. Since they cannot genuinely love,  they soon lose interest when the first rush of falling in love with all its emotional excitement settles down to reality.  Love is enduring, not just a rush of excitement, shallow, superficial or fake. Narcissists can’t handle the quiet security,  peaceful joy and genuinely getting to know another person, becoming vulnerable to another and living with the everyday challenges, disappointments and joys of life.  This feels mundane to them, while it’s what most all of us strive for. This is because they do not have this internally, so they have no ability to create, express, or experience it externally. Therefore,  they begin relationships again and again for the rush of the challenge and excitement.  Some prefer short monogamous, marriage-like connections, (so they can feel temporarily connected like others) until the relationship  get too real and the other person has needs and requirements that must be met in order to create the balance that sustains a real relationship. When this occurs the narcissist shuts down, rages, abuses, criticizes, falls into depression or someone ends it, because when it isn’t all about them, they are not in control and pulling the strings, they get no rush.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They  can even  keep up their false image to mental health providers when seeking help .

They may or may not be consciously aware of their behavior and the damage it causes to others because in their fake game, they will sacrifice anyone and anything for the gain of their narcissist supply, then escape and not feel pain, except for themselves…. they are the eternal victims. Because they are above all selfish, all about themselves and no one else really matters. They do not have the ability to feel or express empathy, except in a fake, learned mannerly way .

An empath is authentic, genuine and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find a relationship with a narcissist a huge lesson, a dodged bullet with a painful awakening.

An empath feels love deeply and genuinely. They feel and honor all their emotions with no need to negate or to fake them. If negative experiences happen, they hurt and may get unhappy or depressed, but it’s situational and they will lift out of it as they work to improve the situation and to heal. An empath wants to heal and to heal others. An empath feels the joy of living and being alive. An empath is genuine to themselves able to have empathy and to love another in authenticity. An empath accepts all emotions and allows them to flow through them in awareness  as they  try to gain growth and a deeper insight into self on their quest to becoming more authentic. This is why narcissists attract to empaths.

Empaths need to be careful of not becoming co-dependent. They can’t ‘fix’ the narcissist. When an empath states, I love you, it is genuine and means the beginning of a life together. When a narcissist says, I love you, it means I love the way I feel when I am with you, or they have claimed their shiny object, can get monetary, or other needs met, or that the chase is over and their narcissist mission has been temporarily accomplished…soon after, the love stops. 

A narcissist struggles to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from any relationship or situation, once they realize that they have lost their ability to control the empath, or the empath will not accept the narcissist’s behavior and  forces them to become self-aware and to heal. When the narcissist’s fake  game no longer works, is pleasurable, or they can’t suck narcissist supply from their victim, if the narcissist is not able to be in control with ego constantly stroked, feel in charge, they will seek out their next victim, ‘the next shiny thing’, or escape.

Narcissists are full of ego and selfishness, but it’s a fragile ego built on nothing. They flip from feeling less than to feeling more than, instead of just being equal to all others. They are always trying to outsmart others to gain the upper hand. When reality is, they are outsmarting themselves, damaging others and ultimately destroying their chance at authentic fulfillment. Reality is, their ego is so fragile, that they always need fresh pursuits or withdrawal to recharge.

The final act on the stage of life seems to be a pulling back of the curtain to the soul.

As a narcissist ages, they may realize something is wrong with them and fall into an even deeper depression. They can’t genuinely connect to people and certainly not in a love relationship… they may prefer being alone, only coming out of their darkness for their narcissist fix, then going right back in. They may realize how alone they really are, alone inside their distorted mind,  stuck  in their heads only connected to their empty self and their selfish wants and needs.

Narcissism and Depression

Narcissism and depression are believed to oftentimes occur together, probably because the narcissistic personality is incapable of developing true feelings of self-worth or intimacy with others. Genuine relationships with others are what enrich and sustain the lives of empaths because they have a genuine relationship with self, so they value people.

Depression brings with it many physical ailments, aches, pains, headaches, back aches, high blood pressure, heart issues, etc. addictions, and is all about self-absorption… the very thing the narcissist loves… self.

A narcissist has been fractured somewhere in their childhood, and split off from their authentic self to survive, or they were born disconnected from self with their life’s journey  being to reconnect. But it’s a deep soul searching journey to fulfillment and wholeness and most will not attempt or do so. They will just keep playing the game, using the tactics that they know. Some are diabolical, sociopathic monsters and others are wounded souls with little genuine self knowledge. It’s nature versus nurture and there can be a fine line between the two. There may be an inherited disposition to mental illness, or something could have occurred in childhood to trigger it, or both. Genetics  can influence the absence of various brain chemicals that influence how little or much empathy a person has. Personality disordered people struggle with not experiencing, or not having empathy.

Narcissistic need can be compared to that of a toddler. To a toddler everything is mine, mine mine. It’s a normal developmental stage that is usually soon grown out of, as they learn to share, care, and interact with others. But some children at any age can have experiences that fracture them and they stay frozen in that developmental stage. As in a child or teenager who is fearful of growing up and separating from parents and when triggered as an adult, the person digresses back to the developmental age in which they were frozen.  I have literally seen persons with suppressed  emotions, digress right in front of me to somewhere in childhood… as they scream “‘I’ won’t! ‘I’ don’t! ‘I’ll’ do it when ‘I’ am ready!” Their faces and voices becoming child-like, as if they are talking to a parental or authority  figure. A temper tantrum passes for cute in a toddler, but is shockingly and monstrously detestable done by an adult.  Observing one can make you want to gauge your eyes out. It’s hideous.

Parents and the family play a large roll in our psychological development and no ones parents or siblings are perfect. Be alerted if anyone states their mother, father and family were perfect and without flaws. Many times, this kind of denial is part of their fake existence as they try to keep anything negative suppressed to keep their facade intact. Denial is a prominent tool of the narcissist’s existence and assists to keep their fragile self intact. They develop certain beliefs because those beliefs allow them to maintain their  so-called ‘psychological stability’. So any  threat to their beliefs is considered a direct threat to the person’s fragile psychological stability.

Therefore, if they are awakened and acknowledge their parent/family’s flaws then it can make the narcissist feel even more fragile and lost because some  narcissists have an unhealthy connection to one or both parents and hold onto it as if it’s their life line that creates their existence… going from love to hate and back again but never just genuine acceptance.

The most narcissistic people I have known fall into this category. They have created a facade that their family is perfection, when it’s quite the opposite and they have much buried emotional pain, etc. that they have endured as they fragmented themselves trying  to fit in where they didn’t. Therefore, forever or until and if, they decide to dig really deep to heal, they will use much energy suppressing these buried memories and the emotions connected to them which causes depression. 

After all, the issue with narcissism, depression and other mental disorders is an inability to genuinely and authentically process, feel and express emotions.  To be and live in the authentic genuine self, you must have the ability to see things as they really were/are and not as you want them to be. By so doing, you are free to create and live an authentic life, to be loved and to love another, etc.

The romantic relationship is where these deep seated wounds are more easily seen and exposed with have the possibility of being healed because being that close to another is as close as we come to being truly vulnerable, but it takes courage to do this. It’s as close as we get to the child, mother, father connection. Those deep and profound imprints that drive us our whole life in both negative and positive ways, either to our destruction or onto our healing and authentic wholeness.

To love another genuinely, one must become/be the authentic self, or the love will be shallow.

Empaths are giving. They put others before themselves.  A narcissist will only put another before themselves when they are trying to hook the person in to get their narcissist supply.

Narcissists seek me out because of my empathic nature. Many times, I knew I was dealing with coldness and strangeness, with shallow, self-serving emotions, other times, I didn’t know until I did.  Some were overtly abusive and cruel, escaped into alcoholism, gambling, affairs,  others covertly,  fell into depression and excuses for no apparent reason, except for the pursuit of escape, in their fear of being really seen, and known, or when reality became too real and they either had to change to have any semblance of being a genuine feeling human being or escape….

While interacting with them, I began to have stomach aches, or feel ill in some way that was not my usual way of feeling and when I called them on their issues, they tried to project them onto me. Even projecting so much as to call me, for example: a narcissist because I take selfies.  Projection is a key tool of the narcissist and others who are disordered.  They can’t look at self in any authentic way, so have to make it about the other person, when it’s really about them.

Empaths being self-aware with the desire to be caring, empathetic and authentic to self may take on the narcissist’s projections until they wake up and realize that none of it is about them. A narcissist can devastate an empath’s self-esteem, even making them feel mentally and physically ill. Being around pathology can make healthy people ill. 

Recently,  I reconnected with a psychologist, I had gone to years ago after a divorce. She is retired now and we spent much time talking about narcissists and empaths. At my request,  I took some personality tests to affirm what I already knew, that I am predominantly an empath. On one of the empathic/narcissist tests, I scored 90 percent empathic.

A psychologist once said to me : “He USED you! He wanted from you what he didn’t have–you were a challenge. He wanted your high energy, your enthusiasm for life, your kindness towards others, your class, your good-looks–he wanted it all…and then….once he had it, and the challenge was no longer there, it wasn’t fun for him anymore,  and he either had to anti-up or destroy it all to escape and slide right back into his comfortable depressive state where he’s spent most of his miserable life. After all the romance and ‘l love yous’, then to say, “All I am capable of is friendship.” What fucking bullshit to treat you so shabbily and say that shit to you!”

The above  paragraph is the exact and perfect example of the way a narcissist behaves.

A narcissist’s primary goal is to manipulate for self-serving agenda. An empath’s primary goal is to love and to heal.  So a relationship with a narcissist is toxic for an empath.

We all have varying traits that hit on every aspect of the psychological spectrum. It’s when very many are in one, that  a person is deemed to have a personality disorder.

A review of narcissist traits:  shallow emotions, flat or shallow affect, goes from high to low emotions, (range of degree can even be bi-polar), many short term romantic relationships, rarely commits,  cheats, boasts, lives dangerously or on the edge, suppresses anger and other emotions, rage and anger can come out of nowhere,  impatient, bouts of depression, only interested in self, selfish, can go from appearing loving and giving to cold and non-giving in a short span of time, and for no apparent reason,  and many would rather be alone than with people. They don’t actually like people, unless, it’s to get their ‘fix’ for their narcissist supply. They are cold and calculating, whether aware of what they are doing or not and most are aware … and all this has little to nothing to do with taking selfies…

Also, there can be mixed psychological issues, such as narcissist/borderline – narcissist/avoidant disorder, etc. But the bottom line is these people are psychologically disordered and can wreck havoc in the lives of those who live in authenticity with emotions in tact, able to give  and to receive love.  People who  are empaths.

Giving to another in love is the greatest blessing we have on earth. The greatest lesson we may all ever learn, is to love and be loved in return. This is especially true for the narcissistic personality type as they learn to give and for the empath to learn that love is received in return.

“There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations”.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Memories of my Dad that fill me with his love and…

A2AC1define my worth and character forever, no matter what happens in my life. In my early twenties,  I was getting ready for a formal evening out, designer dress, the works. While getting out my attire, I realized that my satin evening purse had a busted chain… not only that, but it was broken in a way that… Oh my gosh!  I thought could never be repaired and certainly not in time for  my date. It was the only  purse I had that would work with my dress and I just had to wear that dress with that particular evening purse!

Because I had chosen this particular dress just to go with the evening purse my Dad had given me for Christmas which had been his perfectly selected  gift wrapping for his generous Christmas check.  My Dad had shopped for and selected this elegant designer purse just for me and I liked it so very much for just that reason.

I rushed into the library where Dad was watching TV and in the brokenhearted frustration drama only a twenty year old preparing for a black tie affair with her beau could create,  held up the purse that was destined to  ruin the whole evening.

“Daddy can you fix it? Please can you?! I got my dress just to go with the purse you gave me. Please Daddy, I have to take it tonight. I just have to! But I think it’s broken for good … Daddy, what do you think?”

He turned from the TV with a slightly  amused but concerned smile as he took my purse from me and said. “Go on and get ready. I will see what I can do.”

Feeling better that my Dad was on it, I showered then rushed into  the kitchen to see my Dad at the breakfast counter with his tools out working on the chain of my purse.  There was also a needle and thread involved.

I observed Dad’s work table as I thought, Daddy can sew?… “Daddy, how’s it coming along? Do you think it can it be fixed?”

Dad glanced up at me and said. “Don’t you need to be getting ready. Your date will be here soon.”

Okay… Daddy, okay … I am. I will.” As I rushed back to my dressing area and proceeded to do my hair, make up, etc. I was frantic. I had no other purse that would work with the dress that I so wanted to wear.

I walked into my bedroom to get my dress and there on my bed sat my purse.  I held it up and I couldn’t even tell it had been broken. I quickly put on my dress and finished  getting ready, putting my lipstick, hairbrush, etc, into my treasured Dad given, Dad repaired purse.

Then, the doorbell rang.  I hurried down the hallway to the entry hall to find Dad talking with my date. Dad smiled in pride when I entered…. his eyes lit up as they always did when I entered a room. “Dad, you did it, you fixed my purse.” I gave my Daddy a big hug. “Thank you Daddy! I love you.”

Dad’s reply. “You’re welcome honey. You look beautiful. Have a good time.”

On the arm of my date, as I stepped out the front door wearing my poofy black satin dress with my treasured Dad given and repaired evening purse over my shoulder, I turned back to smile at Daddy, our eyes met in our special love,  my knowing of his pride in me and my respect  for and trust in him.

My Dad has been gone four years, memories often come to me of all theDadandmemahog special ways that he treated me that instilled his pride, love and created my self-worth as a woman. That imprinted, taught and showed me how I want, need, must be treated by any man and most certainly ‘the special man’ in my life.

Those moments of love, respect and pride that my Dad instilled in me created my worth. My Father,  a master engineer and builder who built the Valdez terminal in Alaska, refineries and nuclear power plants around the world, this former Navy man, pro-baseball player, pilot, yachtsman, golfer, intellectual giant, leader in his industry, accomplished masculine towering man, sat in his kitchen late on a Saturday afternoon foregoing sports on TV,  with tools and a needle and thread Daddy at pooland worked on my purse, until it was fixed perfectly for me, his precious blessed to be his daughter, because this man of so many worldly accomplishments knew his most prized and devout duty was that of being a Father.

Recently, I reconnected in friendship with my first college boyfriend and he told me how the talks with my Dad and the way in which he observed my Father treating me, molded him as a man throughout his whole life. That he observed a man protective of his daughter and that he knew, that I knew, my Dad, while being tough on me in order to stretch and to build my character, at the same time, would always protect me.  He recalled that even as immature as he was at nineteen, that when I took hold of his arm, even though I was strong, independent, out going and capable, that I expected him to protect me. And I do recall, this young man did protect me. He also told me after knowing me at eighteen, nineteen and not having seen me since I was twenty… and us now meeting up again decades later… that my Dad would be impressed and proud of the woman I have become. That I have femininity filled with my Dad’s strength of character and intelligence. And that he knew in a relationship that I  must feel safe with a man because I felt safe with my Dad because that is the world he created for me.  What a compliment and a blessing to have him share this with me.

On the flip side of this…My Dad wasn’t perfect and he also left negative imprints for me to see clearly, to break against, understand and to grow past. Because of his perfectionism and great accomplishments, while feeling loved,  I also had the imprint on me that if I wasn’t perfect, I was not worthy of love. Dad was tough on me, and held me accountable and would turn cold even harsh and withholding, when I displeased him and when those times occurred, I felt rejected, ugly, dumb, and unloved. So all my life I have been dealing with this imprint. Interesting, huh? As much as my Father’s imprint on me was that I was protected and loved…there was also the imprint that if I wasn’t perfect, I was not worthy of love.  Part of the duality on this planet and my growth to  recognize  and overcome to achieve wholeness.

As I have grown into life and full awareness, everything my Dad was as a Father, role model and teacher continues to incorporate fully in me and my psyche… both the positive and the negative. And I am fortunate that the tough way he dealt with me, at times,  and the way that he held me accountable, created  strength in me enough to have the tools to grow past his negative imprints. When you recognize the humanity in your parents is when you heal your wounds. What a blessed gift.

A Dad leaves his mark on the world by the love he gives his children along with many others as this gift floods out into the world.

A Father creates self-worth or not, in his children in everything that he does; by example, by actions, by words, and by unspoken looks.

Dad&Annbday2My Father was the example of a fine, great, generous, provider, a giver, a protector and even a fixer of chain woven with satin on a purse that created a memory in my heart that will last forever.

In the later years of my Father’s life, he shared  many deep feelings with me about his life, his choices, and about his love for me that revealed clearly his deep love for me, so that could release more of the pieces of that imprint that I am not worthy of love unless I am perfect.

Happy Father’s Day to my Father who is now in Heaven looking over me. Thank you for the gift of you in my life.

Ladies, don’t ever settle for less than your worth… Every woman, if  she was fortunate to have a good Father, deserves a man that treats her accordingly.  This is the blessed gift of a great man and Father, he knew in his soul the worth of women.

Also, the way a child observes the way their parents treat one another provides the standard with which they either will emulate or break against in their own relationships .

Ephesians 5:25-29 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

Ephesians 5:28 

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Genesis 2:24 

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

—The way a man treats women defines his character, his soul, and his life.

Jesus loved and respected women.

We are all perfect in God our Father’s eyes.  As our Fathers on earth  define and polish us, in some people’s eyes, their Father on earth defines how they think God deals with, or thinks of them, defining  spiritual connection of peace, worth and security in self.  And this is another reason the Fathers of this world are so important.

Happy Father’s Day to all you great men in the world!

“My life began when I met Ronnie” Nancy Reagan…

Nancy Reagan 3The death of our beloved Nancy Reagan brings us back to the love story between her and our beloved President Ronald Reagan as they clearly displayed the love, respect, balance, and support, the blessed gift from God possible on earth between a man and woman.

Nancy and Ronald Reagan

Her comment that her life didn’t really begin until she met Ronald Reagan… is not understood by some… as in the woman libbers who think they don’t need a man or that they are weak to think that they might, the feminists that have no clue concerning the balance achieved through the love between a man and a woman. There is great strength and wisdom in Mrs. Reagan’s statement regarding her profound love and soul connection that  she knew she had when she met the love of her life. It’s doesn’t negate that she was a woman of talent and accomplishments in her own right as ‘feminists’ seem to think. What it means is that their union enhanced both of them on many levels and by their union, both destinies were recognized and achieved bigger, more and better than had they been apart.

When any of us are given this rare and blessed  gift from God to meet and join with a soul mate, our life does begin anew and again with a future opening up changing our lives forever, giving us the opportunity to become and grow  more than ever could have imagined possible. Ronald_Reagan_and_Nancy_Reagan_aboard_a_boat_in_California_1964

It is exciting and more meaningful to grow through life with a partner, a true soul mate, who witnesses and offers support in life, assisting, therefore, each to become more than ever thought they could be alone.

And it takes a real woman or man to submit to this kind of deep profound love, which requires being seen clearly by another, exposing vulnerabilities and wounds, and in that closeness is the ability to experience genuine love, the kind of love that is the closet thing to God’s love for us on earth. It is not an undertaking for the feint or weak of heart… it’s only for the brave and sincere of heart and spirit.

Though love is the closest that we can be to God on earth.

” Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

Pure, committed, God based love was clearly displayed by Nancy and Ronald Reagan.

“When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him – or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” – Tim Keller

Nancy Reagan 2

God bless and keep you dear Nancy… as you reunite with your beloved Ronnie.

Nancy and Ronald Reagan 1

What inspires you to love?

TreeAnn6Is it beauty, fun, kindness? Is it sex, liking the samethings, or experiences shared? Is it commonalities, differences, or the energy you feel when you are with the person? Is it their actions, words, or that their words and actions match? Is it consistancy, compatiblity, tension or comfort?

Is it inconsistancy, uncertainty, excitement, thrill,  or danger?

Different things attract  the inspiration to love. Some of the attractions are healthy and some not. Sometimes, it’s a mixture of the good and the bad? Some people think they love someone when they feel like they felt with their parents or caregivers. They attract to the familiarity of whatever they experienced then, so it ‘feels’ like love, ‘like home’, when perhaps, it isn’t. It’s just familiar, like a habit, but  it’s what ‘feels’ comfortable, like an old shoe and so they think it’s love.

If the past was healthy and nurturing that is great, but if it was one of discord, addictions or dyfunction, not so great. Those imprinted patterns are difficult to break and they can guide either to goodness or destruction.

So, ponder what inspires you to love and attracts you to someone as it’s the basis of the relationship, its journey, its joys, its pain, its success, its harm, or failure.

“But does he who loves someone on account of beauty really love that person? No; for the small-pox, which will kill beauty without killing the person, will cause him to love her no more.

And if one loves me for my judgment, memory, he does not love me, for I can lose these qualities without losing myself. Where, then, is this Ego, if it be neither in the body nor in the soul? And how love the body or the soul, except for these qualities which do not constitute me, since they are perishable? … We never, then, love a person, but only qualities.”  Blaise Pascal’s “Pensees”

The above is an example of shallow love…

We all lose our ‘qualities’ eventually  and when we do, is when we will know if we are loved and if we love.

The awareness, blessing and grace to love without the distraction of qualities and traits is  a genuine gift and if we love sincerely love  will  eventually evolve into this.

What attracts you to love someone? Ever really thought about it deeply, beyond the face, figure, abs, smile, etc?

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

Oscar Wilde

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“The gift from God for the ability…

to love is its own reward – nothing else is required.” Ann Dillard ???????????????????????????????

Love is not about recieving, getting, or taking, it’s about giving.  I am a giver. I was born that way and I have had much pain in my life for being so and I didn’t/couldn’t understand why? Why was I hurt, betrayed and taken advantage of by those I loved and who professed to love me? Would a time ever arrive where I felt loved, nurtured and given to?

In the past,  felt I needed love, so I loved the wrong people. I loved those without the ability to love me in return. I loved people that took from me, used me and took advantage of the naivete of my pure heart.

Then I had the realization… that my ability to love was a gift from God and nothing else was needed or required as that gift of the ability to love was the greatest gift that anyone could ever have and I became grateful, thankful and full and without the need to be loved by others. I feel love and know what love is and what love isn’t and that is a blessed gift.

I have a full heart… and even as many have tried to take it from me and to destroy my heart because of my gift of love from God and my ability to love, my heart has stayed pure, whole becoming stronger and wiser. Sure, there were times, I didn’t think I could live throught it and felt so devastated that I thought I would die baring the pain of it all, but I always turned to God and by so doing my heart came back to the fullness of love. I love me now fully and completely so the desire to be loved by others is not there. If I am fine, and if I am not fine. It’s about them, not me because I know me. I know my heart and I love them both.

Love is not sex. Love is not getting. Love is not taking. Love is giving. People walk around looking for love, wanting to be loved, needing love wanting someone to fill them up.  Why don’t people, instead desire, think and say, I want to love, I want to give love, I want to love someone? They don’t because they are lost and seeking… instead of found and giving. 

I have never really been or felt loved in my life except from my father and God. I never felt loved by my mother. She didn’t have that ability. She was a good mother in ways and a horrible one in others. I never felt loved by my siblings ever, even as I gave them love, they would hurt me time and again. I knew one of my grandmothers loved me and a grandfather loved me. Another grandmother claimed to love me and did in ways, but she was actually too selfish for me to feel that love fully.  All human beings are flawed in varying degrees… only God’s love is pure. And the closer a person is to God the more that they know what real love is…

Men were after me for sex, that they found me attractive, or that my Father was successful so they wanted that association. But I never felt truly loved only that I made them feel good about themselves. It always felt shallow to me on levels and soon proved to be that.

Sex comes after love… and sex is not love. Sex is one expression of love.

As I have lived and aged, I realize that none of that mattered. What mattered is that I loved. Iloved my mother, even though I never had a real conversation with her. I loved my sisters and helped them even though all they did was harm to me. They never helped me even once in my life. I loved other relatives and they loved me when it was convenient for them, and that is key. People can only love as much as that which they have inside. If they have no love inside, they look to get and take instead of to give.

But love derives from self love. I am not talking selfish love because love is selfless. I am talking love of self …  genuine love from God… that gives a person the realization to care for themselves, their body, mind and spirit, to stay connected to God. Addictions distort and interrupt that connection even completely breaking it and that is what I see today, addictions replacing God’s love.  The focus is on sex, escape, greed, material things, envy, immorality, etc. Love has been/is distorted on earth and becomes more so it seems each time I look. Men focus on sex like I have never seen before. It’s pathetic. Women have sex like men…and that is not in the innate nature of the feminine. Love has been propagandized into being something it isn’t.

When you know the love of God and stand strong in that love, you are quick to recognize that which is counterfeit.

I know I am blessed. I am loved by God and I realize now that I know love… real love because I have the ability to love and in that love I can discern truth from lie, good from bad…   I have grown in that love to know, it matters not that I have not been or felt loved, what matters is that I have the ability to love.

So when I die, it matters not that I never felt loved on earth. What matters is that I die knowing, I leave earth in love and go back to the love of God.

And this knowing comes from awhole lot of living and  the love in my heart.. .

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Commitment …

???????????????????????????????Once commitment happens is when everything begins and until it happens it is playing  and that goes for relationships, a business, or any endeavor. Nothing happens without the commitment to it.

com·mit·ment
– a promise to do or give something

– a promise to be loyal to someone or something

– the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something

A person can talk all day about losing weight but until they commit to taking the action, it’s all for naught and is wasted energy.

A man can say that he loves a woman, but until a commitment is made, it’s playing house. To want all the benefits of a relationship or marriage without the commitment is spoiled and childlike and will most always do harm to both participants.

A person can talk about writing a book or creating a piece of art but until the commitment and action are taken, it’s nothing but talk.

It’s either worth the commitment or it isn’t. A person is either commited or they aren’t. Some people won’t or can’t make commitments. They avoid them skipping from one thing to the next, be it a hobby, a relationship, or a job.

Let’s talk relatonship commitment. A man and a woman committed to creating a life together is the best and what God intended. Sex without commitment… well, what is that exactly? Not much!

When a man commits to a woman, oftentimes, is the point when he become a real man. He oftentimes becomes more successful than he would have without her or if he remained single. A mature, genuine man becomes focused in his life by making this commitment to his beloved and this life.  He claims responsibilities as a man and an honorable man not only wants to make this commitment but takes his commitments seriously.  The dishonorable man, not only does not take, or make the commitment, but he may not honor it if, and when he does. That is why we have so many fatherless homes, children left with mothers to do it all. There are fewer and fewer male role models. It seems the commitment to a relationship, love,  and to have a family have lost value to some. When this is the most valuable commitment and in the long run reaps the greatest rewards in life and it  all begins with commitment. (I know a woman must make the commitment also for it to work and for it to be worthwhile.) But it begins with the maturity in the male… otherwise, a woman is forced to take on the male role and this is one most women resent then bitterness takes over the relationship.

A man is the leader, the provider, he sets the stage. The woman is the nurturer and the creator. I am not implying that there are not dimensions in of both in either sexes… but this is their primary innate roles. Men hunt and gather and women create the home. If a man can’t/won’t do his part, the woman cannot do hers and it all falls apart. (and of course, visa versa) Men are stronger, women are softer than, and again that doesn’t mean that women aren’t strong or that men can’t be soft. Actually, softness is the the most strength. A women helps a man process his emotions, but if he doesn’t do his part in creating that space for her, she will get exhausted… as will a man who is providing and doens’t feel nurtured and appreciated. Appreciation is the key. Both sexes must feel appreciated for what they bring to the relationship as both are equally valuable and the place it begins and the glue that holds it together is commitment.

At times, a commitment can be difficult to hold to, but all that’s worthwhile in lfe begins and ends with a commitment to it.

Having a child is one of life’s major commitments and anyone who has a child without the commitment to the  well-being of the child is an immature, selfish fool.

Commitment is what
Transforms the promise into reality.
It is the words that speak
Boldly of your intentions.
And the actions which speak
Louder than the words.
It is making the time
When there is none.
Coming through time
After time after time,
Year after year after year.
Commitment is the stuff
Character is made of;
The power to change
The face of things.
It is the daily triumph
Of integrity over skepticism.
When I say I love you, I mean that I’m committed to working to love you even when it’s hard.
by Ashbash

It’s out of commitment that comes true happiness and contentment…

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Enough about politics, let’s talk men and sex…

What makes a man ‘worthy’ of having sex with a woman?…Ever thought about it? From what I am hearing… not many men are…. and this makes ???????????????????????????????me want to EXPLODE!!!

Example: A man has never met a woman and he emails her this…”Here is a question we can discuss on the phone. What are your feelings about being bestfriends in addition to a quality love relationship? That means different things to different people. We can discuss that.”

What??? How can you be lovers if you can’t be friends? This man must be emotionally stunted somewhere in his psyche. He’s an older man and not 16. HA and oh, really!? How presumptuous that he dictates what can be discussed in their ‘first’ conversation. Clearly, a control freak and control freaks aren’t sexy and don’t make good friends or lovers…

Another man inquires in the second hour of a first date. “Are you a good kisser?” Then a bit later asks, “Are you passionate? Then before, she answers, he states, “I can tell that you are.” So, if the guy can tell this, why did he ask?

A really sensuous and passionate man doesn’t need or even think to ‘ask’ these kind of stupid and premature questions. He gets to know the woman and let’s it unfold at her pace… And if he is sensuous, he can sense her as she reveals herself (should she choose to) and this occurs as she gets to know him and feels trust and security are established and this does not occur in the ‘first’ meeting or date. It occurs with time spent together and different experiences and consistency in his attention towards her. Otherwise, a wise woman leaves him in her wake because he’s not worthy of her…

Besides, what would a person answer, when asked, “Are you a good kisser?” NO!?! HA! Why can’t men see how ridiculous these kind of questions are and how useless and stupid.

Men like this are of course, ‘trying’ to turn the direction toward sex… when it is premature and doing it in this manner is a turn off to a sensuous woman. Now maybe, whores, and sexually promiscuous women respond to lame attempts. But that is another topic… or is it? Are some men treating all women like sluts because of the behaviors of ‘some’ or even ‘most’ women these days? And the example shown in movies, the media and on slimy talkshows.. ‘Sex and the City’ has done much to destroy respect for sex…

A man also stated, “I think I ‘should’ kiss you.” to a woman on a first date.What? Ha!.. Interpretation…I ‘want’ to kiss you….and don’t really care if you are interested in kissing me…
again he’s testing the water to see if he can get laid on a ‘first’ date. She responds. “I don’t move this fast.” His come back. “I am in sales. I like to make the close.”

HAHAHA! Well, buddy, she isn’t buying what you are selling… and how insulting was his comment? He came right out and told her that he was trying to close the deal. And he also is showing that it’s not about her, it’s all about him. He is not worthy of having sex with a ‘quality woman’… He has no respect for her or the act of sex… he is about satisfying ‘his selfish and immediate’ needs…

A real man, a ‘gentleman’, will ask if he ‘can’ kiss a woman… not ‘declare’ that he ‘should’…
And any man who??????????????????????????????? says something like, “You have a really good body” on the first date or meeting… Well, what is this? It’s a man looking to get laid. It’s one thing to say you are pretty or you look fit, but to say, “You have a really good body.” is objectifying and marginalizing a woman for their sexual needs, desires and purposes.

The ‘real war on women’ is led by ‘some’ men.. who think it’s ‘manly’ to focus on sex, or they are so needy that even at mid-age they are still ‘thinking’ with their penis. And men like this are a waste of a ‘real’ woman’s time…
And men like this are not worthy to have sex with a real woman…

Okay women, what sickening things have you heard from a man ‘trying’ to be seductive, to seduce you, or to ‘appear’ sexy?

And men what’s your opinion and why do ‘some’ men say such stupid, tasteless and turn-off comments?

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