Tag Archives: Daddy Throws me in the Air

In Part Four of Daddy Throws Me In The Air …

is a process to assist in releasing limiting and negative imprints and emotions. I have used in on the large things in my life to what seems like the simplest…

Excerpt – and example:

Whatever you try to deny or hide from will return in either your mind or body. Much illness is created by buried feelings, emotions, and beliefs that cause stress and fear which wreak havoc in your body.

If you are stuck feeling some emotion such as anger, ask yourself:

– What do you gain by staying stuck?

– What serves you to feel the way that you feel?

– What are the benefits of staying in anger?

– Does it make you feel like you are holding something over someone’s head?

– Does is make you feel like you have more power if you stay in your anger?

– Do you feel temporarily stronger staying in anger?

I have found that when someone stays stuck in an emotion at length, it’s usually because they think that it benefits them in some way. Their thinking this may not be accurate, but it’s one way that they find to cope. It can be used an as excuse to not do this and so. If they hold onto their indignant, self-righteous anger then it keeps the person or situation at bay and they don’t have to deal with the real issues, such as their part in it, their fear, their loss, or that they become aware by self-reflection.  Anger can eat a person up inside, if held too long. It can/may help you to feel stronger for a while to get through something in a limited time frame, but if held too long it will block love and joy.

Anger is there to be felt – looked at, used for healing and awareness then let go. And the way to get through anger is to understand, accept and to forgive. This does not mean to forget, but to forgive. You can still remember as in factually but when you forgive, the emotional charge is gone from your energy and out of your body. Why forgive? Because when the charge, the trigger is gone, you are free. The act of forgiveness opens your internal emotional channels for all else to flow and for you to be able to be filled with pleasant emotions. Nothing will block the flow as intensely as holding onto anger.

If you are holding onto a negative emotion, ask yourself why. How do you benefit from holding onto it? And if you let it go, process through it, what would you lose or what would you gain?

All emotions and the feelings connected to them are worthwhile. The difference is that some carry positive energy and others negative. Let the negative flow through you as quickly as possible. When we are clear of the negative, we are open for the positive to fill us up. Would you rather walk around feeling sad and depressed or happy and content?

 


Books by Ayn



The Christmas Stockings – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me In The Air….

I am eleven or twelve 

I want to make my mom and dad something special.   We all have stockings. They don’t have any. I know I’ll make them the most beautiful Christmas stockings in the whole world. I’ve saved my allowance and have about five dollars. I’m going to the ‘Five and Dime’ to purchase all the items that I will need to make the stockings.

Image result for Photos of Christmas stockingsI spend hours looking at all the decorations. I find some plain red and white stockings. I get glitter, bells, holly and bows – the perfect decorations for the perfect stockings. I have just enough money to get what I need – the stockings, glue, green and gold glitter and the other adornments. I purchase all the stocking ingredients and hurry home to my room to create.

With the glue – scissors – glitter – my work is in progress. First, I spell mom and dad on the white furry part at the top of the stockings with the glue.   Then I sprinkle the glitter on the glue.   WOW! These are going to turn out better than I imagined. Mom and dad will love them and love me for making them. When I’m not working on the stockings, I hide all the stuff under my bed.

My grandmother, NaNa and aunts come to visit.   I show my grandmother the stockings.   She thinks they are beautiful and encourages me. “You’re so creative and sweet to make them for your parents.” I tell her that I need more stuff to put on the stockings and I don’t have any more money.   I can’t ask my Mom for more money because the stockings are a secret. My grandmother gives me some money. When we all go out to do errands, I have the opportunity to secretively buy more decorations for the stockings. They’re turning out so well, better than the ones in the stores. My parents are going to LOVE them!

My mom enters my room unexpectedly and says, “What’s all this mess? You’re making a big mess! I have enough to do with Christmas coming and visitors without all of your mess.”   I respond, “Momma, I’m making a Christmas surprise!” She responds, “I don’t care what you are making. Clean up this mess! You’re getting stuff in the carpet and the maid has just left for the day. CLEAN IT UP!”

I’m upset but think to myself, ‘When she sees what I’ve made, she’ll forget all about the mess. The beautiful Christmas stockings will please her so much’.

A few days later after changing, arranging and letting the glue set, the stockings are ready. My grandmother and aunts think they are beautiful.

I run up the stairs to give them to my mother and father. My mother says, “They’re pretty – but your dad and I don’t need stockings. Santa doesn’t visit us and besides there’s nowhere to put them.”

I don’t remember what my dad said. My heart is broken. I had worked so hard. I wanted to please my parents to give them something from my heart. I wanted their love and attention.

I thought the stockings were pretty and that mattered, too. I thought they would look pretty hanging with all the other stockings, but my mother didn’t think they would. She said that it would be too cluttered. My grandmother said that she loved my stockings. Her saying this made me feel better.

I kept the stockings in my room until it was time to pack up the Christmas decorations.   Then I stuck them in the boxes with all the other decorations.

Many years later – in a different house, we were getting out Christmas decorations and my mother pulled the stockings out of a box. She said, “These are pretty. Wonder where they came from? Let’s hang them on the fireplace hooks”. I said, “I made them mother. I made them for you and daddy. Don’t you remember?”

She had a blank look on her face. I’m not sure if she even heard me but she did put them on the fireplace hooks. She never said a word about whether she remembered me making the stockings or not. I didn’t want to say anything more about the stockings because it hurt me so deeply that she didn’t even remember that I’d made them.

The stockings are hung up every Christmas and no one remembers where they came from or who made them.

But I do! They were made with all the love I had. When I see them I remember. I remember the little girl and how she loved so much and wanted to please and make her parents a gift from her heart. I love that little girl and hold her in my heart forever.

My mother could not – would not acknowledge my love for her.   She did not – could not see or feel the joy and love that I was feeling as I made my gift for her and my dad.

As an adult, I know my mother doesn’t like holidays.   She doesn’t like having extra things to do. She can barely get through her day doing ordinary things. Holidays are just an extra bother for her and she can’t wait until they’re over. She dreads putting up a Christmas tree. She is always stressed and angry in the holiday season. She has no joy!

It’s sad to me because I love the holiday season. I love to decorate the house and putting up the Christmas tree is one of the most joyous things I do at Christmas!

One year, many years later during the holiday season, my mother called to say that my father and she were going to their Yacht for Christmas. She stated that she was so glad because she did not have to deal with all the Christmas stuff. She went on and on about how she was so sick of Christmas. Then she asked me what I was going to do for Christmas.

At the time, I did not have the money to even purchase a tree.   I wanted a tree badly, but it would have been an extravagance for me to get one that year. I answered my mother by saying, “Not much, perhaps, I’ll spend the day with friends.” She asked, “Are you going to put up a tree?” I replied that I did not have the money for a tree. She either didn’t hear me or she just ignored what I said and asked, “Aren’t you going to lots of parties?” I responded, “Sure there are always lots of parties.”

When I hung up the phone, I cried. I thought isn’t it bizarre that a person who wants a tree so badly, can’t afford one? And some people, who can buy anything they want, think Christmas is a bother and it’s too much trouble to put up a tree.

I do understand that all the decorations and celebrations can get over done and that going away on a Yacht is a nice way to spend Christmas, too.

Image result for Photos of Christmas TreesAnother year, after a divorce and I was alone in my house. My ex-husband had moved his grand piano out. I got the biggest Christmas tree that I could find and placed it in the corner where the grand piano once was. It took me days to decorate the tree, pulling a ladder around it the higher I went up to place the ornaments on the tree. After it was completed, it was fabulous! I would turn the lights on and lay under the tree as if I was a child. I cherish this Christmas memory!

I love the holidays, but some negative feelings come up. I don’t like to give gifts to my parents because I never feel that they like what I give them. It feels good to give to them because I love them, but I feel they are critical of whatever it is that I give. They are critical of what I give them just like they are critical of everything about me. My mother is always so full of stress at the holiday season that she can’t enjoy and truly see all the love that is trying to be expressed.

I believe the best thing about Christmas is the love that it gives us for the opportunity to express – the giving of love and remembrance of the birthday of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…

For the gift of awareness leading to healing…


Books by Ayn



Shopping in my own closet…

When I was a young person in my twenties, going to college and living at my parents,  I went to classes, shopped and socialized. I loved fashion. I was pretty much a fashionista, needing a different couturier, designer dress or outfit for every date or occasion. If we were going to the lake, I needed a new swimsuit, cover-up and shorts outfit. This was in the time, when women really dressed. We wore dresses and heels to most all functions and kept our bodies fit in order to be able to wear the structured clothing . The way  I fit in and looked in whichever designer dress I wore was the most important aspect of my life – my silhouette must be sleek. What I wore mattered to the max and I  had to have just the ‘right’ outfit – look the best –  make an entrance – with all eyes looking for what ‘I’ would be wearing.  It was part of who I was   – it was my image and I had to keep it up – no matter how time consuming, costly or tedious it was to do so.

I was dating a college man two years older than myself. He was in Air Force ROTC , was getting ready to graduate and enter flight school. So, not only were there his dances and luncheons to attend at the General’s house, etc, but my social functions –  arts, ballet, etc.

I was a fortunate young lady with permission and authority to charge whatever I wanted to my parent’s accounts.  I was a  young society daughter of a wealthy man. I had a long walk-in closet full of clothes, shoes and bags. It was the beginning of spring and I spent hours at all the upscale shops selecting, trying on and purchasing clothes. When at home, I would have my head buried in Vogue, Town and Country,  Image result for Vogue circa 19 75and other fashion mags to see what to wear where and who was wearing what.

One afternoon, I was in a shop on the hunt for the perfect dress for a luncheon and found one. I asked the store manager to please charge it. She returned to tell me that my mother had closed my privilege to charge and that I needed to speak with her and they would be happy to hold the dress, until they heard further from me. You see, I was a well-known and valued patron.

Mortified, but calmly and with authority I stated, ” It must be a mistake. I will talk to mom and get back with you.”

When I returned home  – “Mother, I found a dress I liked and they said that you stopped my ability to charge. Why?! What is going on? I need that dress!  I have nothing to wear!”

Her reply, “You have a closet full of clothes. I think you can get through the summer without buying another thing. At the end of the summer, we will talk about it.”

In horror, What?!  You must be kidding! I have absolutely nothing to wear! Nothing! Do you want  me to look awful?  Do you want me to wear some old rag?” As I think, ‘That’s really it. She wants me to look terrible and have nothing to wear.’ You see, my mother and I never got along. I state, “I will ask Daddy, he will let me get it.”

Her reply, “Your father and I made this  decision together. You have  a closet full of beautiful clothes .”

Truth is I had everything any girl my age could ever want or dream of but I didn’t think or realize that then – I just wanted more. I had clothes from all the designers  of the day – Calvin Klein, Mollie Parnis,, Adele Simpson, Alpert Nipon, Chanel, Dior – a closet full of  Image result for photos of a dark haired woman in designer apparelbeautiful clothing in fabulous fabrications and styles. But that didn’t matter because I must have this particular dress because it was the perfect dress and by owning it then I would feel and be ‘perfect’.  This dress would complete me.

Instead, I found myself struck mortified in a young woman’s fashion dilemma of alternatively wanting, inability to purchase and  shame to be without. I went to my room petrified of a summer ahead with NO new clothes.  I wondered could I live that long with nothing new to wear. I  sat on my bed  and pondered as I  looked towards the entrance of my closet. Then I arose and entered it. I started going through the racks of clothing. I was amazed. I had clothes and clothes that I didn’t  even realize I had and they were great. Cuter than the dress that I wanted and thought I needed.   I plotted my revenge, ‘I’ll show my cruel and hateful mother. I will create outfits out of what I have and will look better than ever. I will show her!’ And so I did.

I began to love being shoppingly creative in my own closet. I had a great summer and felt like I wore the perfect outfit to every occasion.  Actually, I felt like there was a weight off my shoulders –  a monkey off my back – the weight of feeling the need and drive to shop and to continually have something new and different –  left me that summer.

That summer was a big lesson that taught me much. You need much less than you think you do. And if you keep buying new, you will miss out on what you already have. I had incredible clothing in my closet, but I just kept pushing them to the back to fit in the new.  I lost some of my desire to shop after summer – well, of course, not entirely  and not at all times, ( I can still get into that shopping mode at times) but…I learned to use what I have, to stop thinking I always need more or new  in order to feel satisfied – that a new something or other changes little to nothing – once the newness wears off, it’s back to square one looking for something else new for the momentary rush, thrill and excitement.  Sometimes, what you already have is better than what you think you need to attain.

Side bar – Sure young people get into fashion neediness, thinking if they don’t wear a certain item that they won’t be cool and accepted. Advertisers and those who drive fashion know this.  That is why fashion and styles change, from long skirts to short, high heels to flat. Your eye gets used to seeing a new look and then to desire it. It’s marketing at its finest con.  I wish more people were focused on ‘real fashion’ today. When the ‘Flower Children’ made their entrance with their sloppy jeans and tee shirts,  it seems the world continued to lose some of its fashion elegance and now we are falling into bizarre.  Many people seem to have lost pride in their appearance and don’t know what appropriateness is regarding clothing. Perhaps, with the Trumps in the White House, elegance and taste will make a return.

Awarenesses gleaned from that summer of no shopping:

Fashion is fun. Shopping is fun! But not fulfilling for long.

The dress doesn’t make you – you make the dress. A garment doesn’t make you perfect… you make you – ‘YOU’ Who you are inside makes you – ‘YOU’ – Not some garment or item.

What is that great old saying?  You think the grass is greener but it isn’t and this applies to so many things in life.

How about become aware and focus on the art of shopping in your own closet in every area of your life…

A gift of awareness…


Books by Ayn



THANKSGIVING – Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR

Mid-thirties… 

My entire family is seated around the table in the dining room. The table is filled with turkey and all the trimmings. Dad opened a special bottle of wine. It’s a joyful family celebration. Before we begin eating, we go around the table and each one of us states what we are thankful for.

Then we dig into our Thanksgiving feast. One of us girls makes the suggestion that we reveal the worst thing that we did and got away with when we were living at home with our parents. That our parents didn’t know about.  After all, we were all living in our own homes now, so what could Mom and Dad do – ground us?

I don’t recall which one suggested it or who went first or what anyone confessed to, but when it was my turn.

“When I was fifteen and had just gotten my driver’s permit, it was a Friday night and Mom and Dad went out for the evening. I had a friend over spending the night and we were babysitting my little sisters. We watched movies popped popcorn then got bored and were looking for some excitement and adventure. It was a cold wintery night and there was a bit of snow and ice on the streets but even so, my friend and I decided that it would be fun to take the car out for a drive.”

Mother gasps. “What? I don’t believe you would even think to do such a thing!” She glances across the table at my Father.

He says, “Go on finish the story.”

I continue. “Well believe it, mother. Because after we had done our usual Friday night fun, we were ready for some real adventure. So we talked about loading all the kids in the back seat of Dad’s car then driving around the neighborhood.” I glance at Mom and she shakes her head in disbelief.

I continue, “Really Mom!”

She replies. “I don’t believe you. You are making this up just to shock us.”

I continue, “No, I’m not. We talked about doing it. Changed our minds then we decided to go ahead and do it. The little girls jumped up and down and begged that we do. So we loaded all the kids wearing their pajamas into the backseat of Dad’s car. I got behind the wheel. My friend sat shot gun and off we went. We went driving around the hills of our neighborhood in the dark when there was a bit of ice and snow on the streets. We drove around for a while just fine and it was fun. Then, in an instant we hit an ice patch and the car slid a bit off the road. I’m scared but everyone else thought it was fun and were squealing with excitement and laughter. One of the car’s tires got stuck in some mud. I gunned the car and it didn’t move. I am freaking out inside, but try not to show it. Now everyone else is, too. The little girls are screaming that they want to go home and they are cold. So I gun it again and thankfully, am able pull the car back out onto the street. I drive the car down to the end of the hill, turn around and head back up to our house. I pulled in the driveway and was very careful to park Dad’s car in the exact place where it had been. Then we all get out with excitement and full of exhilaration at what we just did and run into the warm house with everyone exclaiming how much fun it was. Everyone promised not to tell you.” I look at Mom and Dad. “And I guess no one did.” I look into Mom’s face, “And you and Dad never knew or suspected that we did that?”

Mother exclaims, “No and I don’t believe that you did. You were too mindful and good. You were the most obedient child. You never would have done something like that and I don’t believe that you did. You are just making this up to shock us. You were too good and responsible. You never would have done something like that!”

My sisters chime in. “Well, we did it!” It happened!”

Dad says, “Well son of a bitch! No! We sure didn’t know!” He laughs, “You little devils! You are all grounded!”

And everyone laughed.

My awareness is that as a child, my mother always told me how bad I am and how I ruined everything. Now, when I confessed to something I did that was dangerous, irresponsible and bad, she didn’t believe me. Even said, I was making it up because I was too good and responsible. I was stunned, talk about confusing and conflicting messages.

Then I have awareness and understand how much both my parent’s relied on me and had confidence in me. And I fulfilled what they expected of me on most every occasion. Therefore, when I confessed to a time that I didn’t do as they expected, Mother didn’t believe it.

The truth is that I was most always overly good and responsible. And Mother never told me or thanked me when I was being so. She just expected it of me. Thinking back to this makes me angry until I understand that because of my Mother’s issues, I had to be just as I was, responsible and good. I was placed to be so.

But still it felt crazy and confusing and made me feel conflicted inside to hear my mother state that she did not believe it when I was confessing something bad that I did. It also made me realize just as I had thought that I was a kind, caring, good and an overly responsible child. I am proud that I was so, even though it wasn’t fair that I carry such burden and responsibility as a child. Only doing so taught me much and prepared me for life.

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Books by Ayn



Pimple On My Nose – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me In The Air

I am fifteen

I am enjoying visiting with Dad in the kitchen about everyday things. “Hey Tiger, you look cute today.”

Surprised, “I do? Thank you, Daddy!” I was going through the blahs being a teenager and usually felt like I looked icky. So for Dad to tell me that I looked cute made me feel great!

Dad continues, “But you have a pimple on your nose.”

Hearing Dad comment about the pimple on my nose devastated me. I had tried hard to cover it up. It was one of those hulking red terrible ones and it had to be on my nose. It was just horrendous, a complete headlight of embarrassment.

Dad continues, “Did you realize that you had a pimple on your nose, and a big one!”

“Yes, Daddy I did.” Sarcastically, “Thank you, for reminding me.”

“Aren’t you going to do something about it?”

“Yes, I am.” Then I quickly exit the kitchen to my bathroom to look at and work on the pimple on my nose.

So instead of Dad and I having a nice conversation, he pointed out a flaw in me that not only embarrassed me but shut down our communication.  Dad often did that, pointed out a flaw. He would compliment me then take it away in the next breath.

This created in me the feeling that I was never okay and certainly, never close to perfect. And that I must be perfect so that I would not be criticized in some form or another. I became so aware of every little flaw that I didn’t need someone to point them out because I did it myself continually in my mind.

Okay, you know those hard pimples that when you poke a hole in them with a pin, sanitized with alcohol of course, then squeeze and clear liquid and blood comes out? Then the next day, they are full of white pus. They are red, painful and awful and you need to work on them a couple of days – layer by layer, squeezing, applying peroxide and alcohol then repeating the process to fully release the yuck inside of them. Well, releasing poisonous imprints, perceptions and belief systems are the same thing and take the same repeated process. Poke it with a pin and it hurts. Squeeze and a bit of relief then repeat again and again until all the nasty poisonous pus is released. Then and only then will the wound created by the pimple heal itself so that the skin is back to normal and is healthy.

Same as with the fractured part of your being that has been imprinted with negative and poisonous imprints. When these imprints are recalled or triggered, it’s not until all the pus is out that the wound can close over and fully heal. Otherwise, it’s left with poisonous pus to fester and will come back again and again.

It’s also interesting that while the pimple is there that it’s the only thing I can see when I look into the mirror. It stands out to be seen. First thing in the morning, I look at it to see if it’s still there or if it’s healing and less noticeable. I do this many times throughout the day and before I go to sleep at night.  I think about it often when it’s there, then when it heals I completely forget that it had ever been there. That is how we are with most things. When something is irritating us, bothering us, needs our attention, we focus on it as if it runs our life. This is how negative imprints, perceptions and beliefs control us. Until they are seen, understood, accepted and forgiven they control us. Those imprints will continue to bother us until they are recognized because that is their nature and purpose.

My skin is olive and is oily. I suffered and suffer with pimples at times, but the good thing is that oily skin is not prone to dryness and wrinkling like other skin types. So like most everything in life, there is a minus and a plus because we are on the planet of dualities – good and bad – negative and positive. It just depends on where you are at any given time and how you look at it.

As I age, I am happy that I have oily skin. But I still get embarrassed and hate it when I get a pimple and especially on my nose. Because it’s like a sign flashing that I am not perfect. Ha! But I have learned to love myself even though I am not perfect. Just as God loves us all and knows that we are not perfect. But in our imperfection, there is perfection.

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Books by Ayn



Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

Image result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun Shooting At Logs In A Pond…

Adult

I am divorced and living in my house alone. I loved being alone in my house. But one night, late at night, while in bed I heard the fence gate at the side of the house squeak open. I jumped up and looked out the side windows of the house. I heard more noises. As I turned on the outside lights to the side of the yard, I dialed 911. I went back into my bedroom, closed the door and kept the 911 operator on the phone until the police arrived.

The police looked all over. No door or window was tampered with but when they came in from the back yard, they told me that the gate to the right of the house was open. There were footsteps on the side yard and in my backyard. They said that when I turned the outside lights on, it must have scared whoever it was away. I was freaked out. So I turned on all the outside lights to flood the yard and kept them on the rest of the night. The policemen inquired if I had a gun for protection.  My answer was no. The police patrolled and watched my street and neighborhood for the rest of that night.

The next day, I called Dad to tell him what had occurred.

Dad said, “I’m going to pick you up. We are going to the ranch. You need to learn how to shoot a gun for your protection.”

At our ranch, Dad drove the truck far out to a back pond where he showed me how to load and to shoot a gun. I practiced by aiming and shooting at logs in the pond. It was so fun! I found that I was a good shot. Dad was impressed.  I loved practicing so much that I wore my dad out. I didn’t want to stop. Dad sat in the truck while I stood nearby, shooting at log after log. Dad did place some beer cans on tree stumps for me to also practice on. But my favorite was to shoot the logs in the pond. I was able to hit my mark most every time.

I noticed that Dad looked at me in pride as I was having fun practicing my aim. Dad and I could have such a good time, just the two of us. We had much in common. We enjoyed learning, striving to master skills and new adventures. I loved the tomboy side of me and so did Dad.

Driving across our land back to the ranch house, “Well Tiger, from the looks of it, I’d say that you could hit someone dead on if they were coming at you. The best strategy is, if you hear someone in your house – get your gun, cock it, get down behind your bed, face and aim at the bedroom door. If you see someone at your door, shoot them in the legs. Immediately after, shoot them in the torso. Shoot to kill. If they are in your house and in your bedroom, they are there to hurt you, so hurt them first.

“But Dad, I don’t know if I could really shoot at someone to hurt them – to kill them?”

“Hell Tiger, are you kidding? If someone is in your house and entering your bedroom, you shoot to kill. Do you hear me? It’s either you or them by that point! And of course, call 911! But don’t be weak and let someone get too close to you, so they can overpower you. You hear me? Shoot to kill!”

“Yes Dad, I understand.”

“Here keep this gun, it’s yours. Keep it beside your bed.”

I respond, “Okay. Thank you.”

Dad continues, “When we get back to the house, I will give you more ammunition for it. Keep it loaded, but with the safety on.”

Dad spent time at length teaching and watching me load and unload the gun, taking the safety off and putting it on. I loved learning. Dad had many guns of all types both at our in town residence and at our ranch.  Knowing how and being able to shoot a gun, when and if I ever needed to protect myself gave me a secure feeling.

That is part of what a Dad does, teaches you to protect yourself physically. Thank you Dad!

Emotionally, Dad taught me some about how to protect myself butImage result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun also left me open to be taken advantage of and to be overpowered. He didn’t do this intentionally. He did it unknowingly. His way of relating to me taught me that I was above most others in the world, but not good enough for him which served to confuse and fracture me internally. At times, I felt better than others then my self-esteem would crash and I felt like I was not good enough.

When you don’t feel good enough and not equal to others, you can flip from feeling better than others to not feeling good enough. This means you are not in balance and not feeling ‘equal to’. It creates up and downs and insecurity at times, then over valuation at others – which is an imbalance in the belief system that leaves a person fractured internally. While they may appear outwardly arrogant at times, they feel weak and insecure at others. This is done to compensate for not feeling equal to others. And this is how my dad related and what he created in me.

Had he been aware, he would have taught me to protect myself emotionally as vigorously as he had taught me to protect myself physically. But did he really and fully know how to do this? He was passing down to me the way that he internally coped and it became imprinted – until I became aware that I am equal to all others, not better than or less than but equal to.

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Books by Ayn



It’s bumpy and I am scared! ….

It’s Bumpy And I Am Scared!

I am eight

We are on our way to Florida for a family vacation. I am sitting beside Daddy on the airplane. The little girls are sitting somewhere behind us with Mommy.  The airplane is bouncing up and down lots and way too much for my comfort. I feel as if I could throw-up any minute and if I did that, I would be so embarrassed because I am eight-years-old and not a baby.  But it’s really, really bumpy and I’m really, really scared.

I am trying to act grown up, but I get so frightened that I can’t anymore and I turn to Daddy, “I’m scared, Daddy. Why is the airplane bouncing so much? I feel like I could throw up!” He responds, “It’s okay Tiger, airplanes are meant to withstand turbulence.” “But -but, Daddy, I feel sick to my stomach.” “Here’s an airbag, hold onto it just in case you need to throw up.” I take the bag and hold it tightly in my lap while trying very hard to not be afraid.  Then the airplane bounces up high then down low as my stomach does the same. “Daddy, Daddy! Is the plane going to crash?” “No, everything is fine. The airplane is doing what it’s supposed to do. It is built to withstand turbulence.”  “Okay Daddy, but I am still scared.” The plane bounces roughly again. I grab hold of Daddy’s arm, “Daddy!”  “Okay, Tiger, remember when we were fishing that time and your Mother caught a fish and when she reeled it in and it flip flopped inside the boat, how she jumped up, screamed and almost turned the boat over?” I laughed, “Yes, I do, Daddy and it was so funny!” Daddy kept telling me stories, real and made up, one after another, until the plane touched down in Miami. He kept my mind off the turbulence, off my fear and off my needing to throw-up. He kept me focused and even laughing and enjoying myself.

Even at the age of eight, while this was the perfect distraction, I knew what he was doing. And as I knew this, I loved him so very much for his doing of it.  I love the memory of sitting beside my dad when I was scared riding in turbulence in an airplane and he told me story after story to keep my mind off my fear. So clearly, your mind, even while in intense fear can be distracted and occupied in order that you stay out of fear and in control, relaxed and in present time. Daddy taught me this by example, when I was eight-years-old that to occupy my mind with funny and interesting things and the fear will dissipate.  I love you Daddy for this lesson, thank you!

I recall this imprint of awareness as often as need be. If when emotional, you flip into your thinking brain, it will alleviate or may even clear the emotion. Being more in the analytical side of your brain will bring you into present time – to be in the moment and out of the emotion of fear or the anticipation of fear and the ‘what if’s’.  When I am in stress, emotional pain, fear, anticipation or dread, I will oftentimes, do a task, such as clean my house, workout, focus on something physical and or mental that will pull me out of my feelings and emotions. Doing this gives me release to either work through the issue, come back to it refreshed, put it more into perspective or to release it completely. Staying and being in present time puts most things into perspective.  It’s the anticipation of fear of the future and or anticipation of the ‘what if’s’ or the negatives that messes us up and freezes us in emotional fear.  Of course we need to prepare for the future and the ‘what if’s’ in life as best that we can, but some things we have no control over or won’t know until they happen. As human beings, we are vulnerable at times. Some things are out of our control.  So it’s better to live happy and positive and turn it over to God.




My Last Halloween – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me in the Air..

  • My Last Halloween

 I am thirteen

I have to take all of my younger sisters, ‘trick or treating’.   What a drag! Well, I guess I can get all dressed up like a ‘beatnik’ or something. Then maybe, it won’t be all that boring.  Halloween is on a school night and mother will not let me go to my friend’s house. I have to stay at home.

Image result for Pictures of Children on trick or treatingI love Halloween! I like to run around in the dark with my friends. I especially like it when it’s cold and windy. When the weather is like that, Halloween is really haunting. It’s fun to scare yourself by pretending a monster is after you.

This might be my last Halloween because I’m getting older. I’m getting too old to ‘trick or treat’ with my younger sisters. I wish I didn’t have to take them around the neighborhood house to house, but I’ll make the most of it. I’ll dress up and get candy too. I feel tall and awkward. I grew fast or something because all of a sudden I’m taller than everyone. I’ll just stand in the back of the group. That way no one will notice me.

Everyone is ready and it’s beginning to get dark. So off we go! The wind is blowing and it’s cold outside. It’s a perfect Halloween! The wind is howling in the trees. The leaves on the trees are making rustling sounds.   It’s all so spooky and fun, I love it  We go from house to house, up and down the streets. Our neighborhood has lots of hills which makes it even more fun and scary.

After being out for about an hour and a half walking up and down the hills, we’re heading back to our house. It’s getting late and everyone is getting tired. We have three more houses to go before we’re back at our house. The house that we’re going to next is real pretty. It sits on the other corner opposite from ours and has a bridge to walk across to get to it. It’s fun to walk over the bridge. The lady who lives there appears nice. I’ve seen her driving her car in the neighborhood. She’s pretty and friendly. It’ll be fun going to her house. I think she has some sons around my age or maybe, older.

We run across the bridge and go up to the front door. We ring the door bell and yell, “Trick or Treat!” The lady comes to the door and looks us all over. She comments about all the little children’s costumes and says how cute or scary they look. Then she looks up at me and turns up her nose. She makes a sarcastic comment about the fact that I’m too old to be ‘trick or treating’. She comments, “You’re a bit tall aren’t you? Don’t you think you’re too old to be ‘trick or treating’?   You’re taking candy away from the cute little ones. It’s horrible how you older children ruin the holiday for the children.” Hearing this coming out of her mouth is my worst fear. I feel so uncomfortable, I could die. I am tall for my age, five foot three and very thin. What this woman said to me and the way she said it, cut right through me.   I felt embarrassed, awkward and wanted to crawl into a hole. I told her that I was taking my little sisters out, but she shot me a dirty look. I felt like I had committed a crime by the way this woman looked at and spoke to me.   Then she said, “If you are only taking your sisters out, why did you take the candy and why do you have a candy sack?”

I wanted out and away from her fast. I didn’t respond to her and told everyone to hurry up that we are going home. I wouldn’t

Image result for Photos of pumpkins and Halloween candy

let my sisters go to more houses after that experience. When we got into our house, all my younger sisters got their pajamas on and then poured all their candy out on the floor in their bedrooms.

I went downstairs to my room and took a shower.   I felt ugly and dirty after the way that lady had spoken to me. What she said and the way that she said it, hurt my feelings into my heart. I already felt awkward and weird about my appearance and all the changes of the new school and the new neighborhood. To hear those critical words come out of her mouth, when I was doing as my parents asked me to do, hurt me into the core of my being.  I had seen her around the neighborhood and thought she was pretty and that she would be a nice person.  I got into my bed that Halloween night and cried.   I thought something must be really bad wrong with me for a lady in our neighborhood to say those things to me.

This woman became a friend of my mother’s and they played bridge together in a club. After that Halloween night, I have seen her and been around her all of my life. I do not really have an opinion whether she is ‘nice’ or not anymore, but I’ll always remember her stinging words. The words she said to a thirteen-year-old child taking her sisters ‘trick or treating’. I wondered what would make her say such comments to a child. Years later, at a society luncheon event, I decided to share with her what I remembered about that Halloween and how it had affected me.   She was shocked. She said she did not remember saying those things and she always thought all of us girls were darling. She even had hopes that her son and I would date because she thought me such a doll. So I had spent years agonizing over something this women had said when she didn’t even recall saying it.

This incident makes me aware of how easy it is to affect a child or anyone by our ‘innocent’ comments. This woman meant no harm. She was just voicing her opinion, but she was voicing her opinion to a sensitive, insecure young girl. I took her words to heart because I was at a sensitive time in my life and was insecure in myself. If she had said that when I was feeling secure, I might have just thought her rude and blown it off. What was the purpose of her cruel and berating remarks?   Had she had a difficult day and was just taking her frustration out on a kid or was she a bitter woman who really didn’t like children, unless they were little and adorable? Had she had some liquor that night while answering the door for ‘trick or treaters’, so her judgment was flawed? Who knows?   It really does not matter.

All I know is that at the time, her remarks cut deeply into me. Are we ever truly aware of what we say and how we say it affects others? But on the flip side, sometimes harsh remarks can stimulate us to look at self and to change. Only in this instance, there was nothing I could change. I was tall for my age and I was doing as my parents asked me to do and I got nailed for it by a neighbor.

Awareness is why did I let this affect me so deeply?   Granted I was a child and did not realize at the time that this woman was being a grouch. I automatically took it into myself and to heart that something must be wrong with me. I had such low self-esteem at the time that I automatically took her critical remarks as if I was doing something ‘wrong’. Actually, I was doing something I did not really want to be doing, to help my mother and my younger sisters.

The reality is when someone says ugly and hateful things they are usually talking about how they feel at the time. It is more a reflection of them and not you. If a person truly loves themselves, they usually don’t say hurtful cruel things to others, especially to a young child. But also awareness is that sometimes, you can be overly sensitive and take something to heart that the person saying it doesn’t even recall. This lady was placing her opinion on me without knowing anything about what was really going on. How grumpy does a person need to be to verbally attack a child, ‘trick or treating’?

When I look back on this event, it seems so insignificant, but I have remembered the way I felt at the time all of my life. This lady had no awareness of how much she affected the young girl she spoke to on that Halloween so long ago. She never realized it or even thought about it. We are constantly, day by day, bringing up emotions and feelings in one another as we react and interact with each other,  So the awareness is that you never know how much you affect people by what you may say or do. Also why do we let what people say to us affect us so much, at certain times in our life? Why do we let their critical remarks injure our self-esteem? That is our issue to look at, not theirs. When we are secure in ourselves, we will not feel the need to talk negatively to others. And when we are secure in ourselves, we will not take negative, critical things other people say into ourselves and allow them to affect us.  The goal is to respect ourselves and others.




I can forgive this woman. She had no awareness of how much she hurt me. It was my own insecurity which allowed this incident to affect me so deeply. Many times, you may not see things as they are; you see things as you are.

Be aware that everything you say and do affects you or those around you either for good or for ill. And sometimes what is meant for ill; can be changed to good.

“Everything I do and say with anyone makes a difference.” Gita Bellin

Our memories and their imprints teach, guide or limit depending on how we process them…




 

Physical and emotional health are the first wealth…

I was at an event about a month ago where I met a man who talked a lot about when he was a young man in the service that he  was stationed in Hawaii and was awarded a post at the White House in the Ford administration. He even carried  a photo book with him – which he pulled out – about as bizarre as anything I had experienced at a social function. He seemed a lonely man . His wife had died in the past couple of years and it seemed that he missed her terribly. So I endured listening to him to be kind while I wondered was his wife the only one who could stand him?  In the photos showing him with Queen Elizabeth, President Ford, Nancy Reagan, etc. – he was a slim, trim guy – no resemblance to the man  as he appeared today.  He wore my ears out with his bragging.

He weighed about 300 pounds or more  –  I don’t really know how to judge weight well. But he was HUGE, had trouble walking and he could not stand for long.  I sipped wine listening to his stories as he went on ad nauseaum – then he went on to tell me how much money he has, how wealthy he had become – how great a businessman he is – how big a house he was getting ready to buy to live in alone – how he was getting ready to retire and no one wanted him to do so – the people he worked with LOVED him – about the new luxury car he was going to purchase.  He already had the biggest Mercedes made but he got a new one every year – plus a truck – SUV on and on. I kept moving away to try and mingle and  talk with others – but he followed as best his fatness would allow – he was attached to me. Since I was kind and listened for a bit, he wasn’t going to let me get away.

When finally I escaped and was across the room from him, I observed that he talked continually about himself – pulling out his photos from the past to try and impress as everyone moved away from him. He eventually sat at a table alone drinking a Martini and stuffing down food.

He was the perfect example of an empty vessel trying to fill himself up with any and everything. I pondered – what a sad lost man – living in the past – obese – empty –  stuffing himself with food – having the need to talk continually about how important and wealthy he is to impress and no one could stand being around him.

His physical appearance was grotesque even though he wore an expensive suit that was tailored as well as could be to fit a body his size. His emotional health was clearly as bad as his physical.  (Your outer self reflects your inner.)

As I thought back to this man, it made me sad for him. I live in an area where affluence is abundantly everywhere. Some people talk about and flaunt what they have and who they ‘think’ they are. There are of course, women like this man, all  fashioned up in their designer labels, overly done make-up, plastic surgery  and their bragging – as if all this defines their existence on earth.

Things are nice, accomplishments great, what you did in the past – sure it’s part of who you were and are but it needs to be integrated into the now . Who you are today. That is what matters.  How does your body feel, function and move? How do your emotions flow through you? Do you live in the past or are you living in the now  in peace and joy with an eye to the future?  Do your eyes sparkle with passion for life, does your body move in health and vigor or are you stuffing yourself with any and everything to fill your emptiness and to numb your inner lack and pain? Do you spackle your face with make-up, so no one can see the glow of your skin and wear rings on every finger?

Listening to that man, he was not interested in me or anyone else really – only that they listen to him. No one had value to him… except to fill up his empty self-worth and ego  housed in a bloated stuffed-to the brim fat body.

He had/has a fractured inner core. Where that fracture happened or came from only he could know or figure out. He kept telling me what a nice guy he is… He was exhausting!

I think he did ask me one question – what I did or like to do and I think I stated that I am a writer and was getting ready to put a book out. He didn’t ask what it was about or anything else. He went onto talking  about the  huge house he was going to purchase with large yard and pool —- blah blah and blah!

If I had clearly met someone who obviously could use and benefit from the info in my book – it was this man, but he would have little to no ability to comprehend its awareness . He thought he knew everything – had everything and was everything.  He pretended his life was perfect. His family perfect – kids and grand kids perfect – during our conversation one called him to ask for money. He stated a woman that he took out a couple of times had asked him to pay her rent and to give her money and he couldn’t understand why… UGH! The man had/has no concept of self.

When you are ready to become more aware of what makes you – ‘you’ – what you have been imprinted with, why you believe, think and act as you do – to learn how and why the memories that you recall most often are guiding your life whether you  realize it, want them to or not…

 




Everything in life is relative….

This week for me has been intense – I was relaxing after dinner last weekend sipping wine and feeling content and at peace, then I broke a crown on a back tooth while eating salt water taffy. I know stoopid but I had a temporary addiction to it – now over! HA!  I do not have a dentist  where I live. I travel to a different state to go to my dentist that I have gone to for about four decades. I love him –  those in his office are like family and I feel safe there. But know and decide that  I must get a dentist where I live. TRAUMA! I have had trauma with dental work ever since I was twelve when my two front teeth were knocked out in an accident. Traumatic events create imprints – stress us and throw us into a kind of frenzy and intense internal fear. This  imprint/memory is shared  in – my soon to be released book.  So I went on the hunt to find a dentist that I would feel comfortable with to put on a temporary then a new crown … FEAR – STRESS!!!

As I was dealing with this, they are putting  new roofs on the townhouses where I live and mine was happening this very week.  Ever lived where a new roof was being put on? It is loud … it feels like being in hell. BANG! BANG! BANG! Mess everywhere – and they begin at 7:00 AM and go to 7:00 PM. I like peace and quiet. I must have a certain amount of it and I can’t stand messes and dirt.

At the same time, I am  working to get my book DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR published… and it’s now being put through the copyright phase. Since it’s about memories in my life… it has sensitive topics in it. Although, I have not only changed names but left out names for the privacy of the living.  It’s a memoir – self-help.

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Along with this, Nordstrom’s couldn’t find my return… so I had to spend time on many, many phone calls.

Hectic week! I did find a dentist – I think I will like. So a temporary has replaced the cracked crown. Today my roof is complete. This morning, they came out to power wash my patio from all the soot that fell from the roof on my patio between my garage and house, when they were working on it.

As I looked out at the men cleaning my patio, I pondered – ‘everything in life is so relative’. I thought of the people in Houston and other towns affected by the flooding of hurricane Harvey. My current issues would seem like little to nothing to them. Right now, I bet they would feel glad to hear the sounds of a new roof being put on their houses.

I saw in my mind’s eye the images of the people walking in flood waters, being carried out of their homes, etc. The horror of it all – their loss – their pain – how unsettled and surreal their lives must feel at this time. They can’t relax in their homes and look out their window while sipping coffee. Our homes are so dear and comforting to us especially during and after trauma. But that is their trauma – the security of their home and belongings have been taken from them. My heart, of course broke for them again, as it had been all week – for all they are enduring.

While I had a stressful week – it was nothing compared to what these people  are going through. And as I stand at my back window, sipping iced coffee, watching the men clean my patio. After my week of trauma,  I am now  in peace – most all of my temporary irritations are over or are on the mend. While those affected by the flooding have so much ahead of them to deal with. And I thought, ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ –   And  also, ‘I cried because I had no shoes, then I saw a man who had no feet.’

May God bless all those hurting and in harm’s way and fill their hearts and lift their minds with comfort, peace, faith and hope for healing, renewal and a fresh beginning.

Everything in life is so amazingly relative.  And this is exactly what a part of my book is about – that we are all in different places. We endure different trials, joys, imprints, have different beliefs, suffer, endure and with faith hopefully can get past and release the trauma and are able to heal.

It serves us all to be thankful for where we are, what we have and what we may be dealing with – however big, small, irritating or irrelevant  it may appear, because it could/might get  worse, change or get better at a moment’s notice.

We are all vulnerable on this Earth. Our only real peace and salvation is with our Lord.