Tag Archives: Belief systems

Don’t Look In This Cabinet…

I am nine…

         Christmas is fast approaching.  Excitement is in the air.  We’ve given our Christmas lists to mom and dad.  They told us that they’ll make sure that Santa Claus gets them. My sisters and I tell mom and dad over and over, reminding them daily of all the things that we want for Christmas.

               I want a Brownie doll, a Girl Scout watch, a bike and a record player.  I want the Girl Scout watch absolutely the most!  I feel as if I’ll be a real grown-up with a watch especially a Girl Scout watch.

               Mother comes home with lots of packages takes them into her room and closes the door.  Later when I check, there is nothing there.  No packages are in her room.  I knew that mom and dad bought some of the gifts and I knew Santa brought some of them.  My younger sisters didn’t know this yet.  I’m three years older than they are.  I know a lot more things than they do.

               I wonder what mom bought.  I’m terribly curious!  One day, I’m snooping around and mother catches me.  She warns, “Don’t go through any closets or cabinets in our room.  If you do, you’ll spoil some surprises.”  I ask her if any of my things are in the cabinets.  I ask specifically about the watch.  She answers, “It’s Christmas. I’m not talking.  Wait and see!  Christmas is about surprises!”

               I didn’t care about surprises. I just had to know!  So one day when I’m sure that mom isn’t around, I climb up to the cabinet where I suspect she has put some of the packages.  I climb up the drawers using them as if they are steps, and crawl into the large cabinet at the top.  I’m very quiet and very careful.  I open all the different sacks and packages.  I find some things I recall my younger sisters asking for. Surely, there’s something for me, too.

Then hooray! I find a Brownie doll and a Girl Scout watch.  I feel excited to know that I’m getting these things especially the Girl Scout watch.  After seeing, the watch I’m totally satisfied and carefully exit the cabinet.   I take great care to put everything back exactly the way I found it.

               I spend the next few days before the arrival of Christmas dreaming of wearing that Girl Scout watch.  How cool I’ll be and feel with it on my wrist.

Then Christmas morning arrives.  We all hurry in to see what Santa Claus has left for us.  With four little girls, there’s a lot of loot – all sorts of toys, games, bicycles in varying sizes and lots of dolls with their accessories.

We decided on Christmas Eve where we wanted Santa to put our gifts. I go to the area where I know my gifts will be.  I see a lot of the things that I had asked for – a bike – a Brownie doll – a record player but no Girl Scout watch.

My heart sank.  I look around at my sisters’ things. Nope. No, Girl Scout watch there.  They’re too little anyway. I don’t think they can even tell time.  But what if it had gotten mixed up in their stuff,  I’d just die if one of my younger sister’s got my watch by mistake.

I’m sure I saw a Girl Scout watch in mom’s cabinet.  That’s the main thing I want. “Oh! Where is it?   I run into my mom’s room.  She’s still in bed.  We got up so early, like five or something.  My mom said she was going to rest a little longer but for us to go on in to see what Santa left.  Daddy was up playing with us and helping with our toys.  But mom was still in bed.  I run into my parents’ bedroom and jump on her side of the bed. I sit beside her. I guess my jumping woke her up.  She opens her eyes and sleepily asks, “Did you get what you wanted from Santa?”  I respond, “Yes, I did – but – um – well…”

               I couldn’t ask her directly about the Girl Scout watch because then she would know.  I had sneaked a look in her cabinet.  I’m scared that maybe God is punishing me for looking in the cabinet and not obeying my mom.  Maybe my mom found out that I’d gone into the cabinet and is punishing me by not giving me the watch. What if she returned it to the store?

I was sure I had put everything back just like I’d found it.  I feel guilty for sneaking and doing what my mom said not to do.  That was why the Girl Scout watch wasn’t there because I am really bad. I’m being punished.  My heart is pounding.  I guess my mom suspected something was wrong because she says, “Go look again, maybe you missed something.”   I race back into the family room.  Toys are everywhere.  My youngest sister is even riding her tricycle in the house.  Daddy is telling her to wait until we go outside but she won’t.  There’s so much activity and mess.  But where’s my Girl Scout watch?  Will I ever find it?  I go over to where Santa placed my things.  I look again and yes! There’s a little box with the Girl Scout name on it.  I open the box and there it is my watch!  I put it on and feel – oh so happy, grown-up, cool and everything else that is good!  I feel as wonderful as any nine-year-old girl can feel with a new bicycle and Girl Scout watch!

You know I really wish that I had listened to my mom and not looked into the cabinet. I did spoil my surprises.  Sometimes, it’s nicer not to know. To let surprises happen especially at Christmas.

What awareness!  As an adult releasing the need to always know the outcome and be in control can be a difficult process.   Allow life to be a surprise.  We do not always need to know the outcome.  Many times, we have no way in the world to control the outcome of situations in our life. Sometimes what you expect or want is not what you get and many times it works out for the best this way. Also sometimes what you really want and are looking for is right in front of your eyes but you can’t see it because you are looking so hard for it or trying to find something else that you think might be better but isn’t.

 Let go and let God!  Trust that what is truly yours will be yours. Release the need to control all situations.  Allow Surprises! Many times what will be will be, no matter how hard you try to know and control the outcome. Relax and go with the flow…

Also it’s interesting that when I did not find my much desired gift, the Girl Scout watch from Santa, I immediately thought the reason was because I was being punished.  That God or my mother was punishing me by not giving me the gift that I wanted the most.  The same belief that most of us have, if something happens ‘bad’ or that we deem is bad, we think we are being punished by a judging and vengeful God.

Where does this automatic response come from?  Is it the religious dogma and Puritan ethics that instill a fear of God? And perhaps, is having that fear, at times might be a good thing? So we are kept on our path with surprises, twists and turns along the way of our journey on earth.

Our memories, why we recall what we do, and how and why we are imprinted with what we are – is what makes us who we are and creates our life. Until we become aware, in  full self-reflection, we will be guided as if on remote  control by imprints and belief systems. When we become aware, we are at choice.

DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – a memoir/self-help –  included is a process to assist in releasing limiting and negative beliefs.

Available in print and e-book on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc or by clicking on link below. May your Christmas season be full of grand memories for awareness, forgiveness, healing and JOY!!!

Books by Ayn

Physical and emotional health are the first wealth…

I was at an event about a month ago where I met a man who talked a lot about when he was a young man in the service that he  was stationed in Hawaii and was awarded a post at the White House in the Ford administration. He even carried  a photo book with him – which he pulled out – about as bizarre as anything I had experienced at a social function. He seemed a lonely man . His wife had died in the past couple of years and it seemed that he missed her terribly. So I endured listening to him to be kind while I wondered was his wife the only one who could stand him?  In the photos showing him with Queen Elizabeth, President Ford, Nancy Reagan, etc. – he was a slim, trim guy – no resemblance to the man  as he appeared today.  He wore my ears out with his bragging.

He weighed about 300 pounds or more  –  I don’t really know how to judge weight well. But he was HUGE, had trouble walking and he could not stand for long.  I sipped wine listening to his stories as he went on ad nauseaum – then he went on to tell me how much money he has, how wealthy he had become – how great a businessman he is – how big a house he was getting ready to buy to live in alone – how he was getting ready to retire and no one wanted him to do so – the people he worked with LOVED him – about the new luxury car he was going to purchase.  He already had the biggest Mercedes made but he got a new one every year – plus a truck – SUV on and on. I kept moving away to try and mingle and  talk with others – but he followed as best his fatness would allow – he was attached to me. Since I was kind and listened for a bit, he wasn’t going to let me get away.

When finally I escaped and was across the room from him, I observed that he talked continually about himself – pulling out his photos from the past to try and impress as everyone moved away from him. He eventually sat at a table alone drinking a Martini and stuffing down food.

He was the perfect example of an empty vessel trying to fill himself up with any and everything. I pondered – what a sad lost man – living in the past – obese – empty –  stuffing himself with food – having the need to talk continually about how important and wealthy he is to impress and no one could stand being around him.

His physical appearance was grotesque even though he wore an expensive suit that was tailored as well as could be to fit a body his size. His emotional health was clearly as bad as his physical.  (Your outer self reflects your inner.)

As I thought back to this man, it made me sad for him. I live in an area where affluence is abundantly everywhere. Some people talk about and flaunt what they have and who they ‘think’ they are. There are of course, women like this man, all  fashioned up in their designer labels, overly done make-up, plastic surgery  and their bragging – as if all this defines their existence on earth.

Things are nice, accomplishments great, what you did in the past – sure it’s part of who you were and are but it needs to be integrated into the now . Who you are today. That is what matters.  How does your body feel, function and move? How do your emotions flow through you? Do you live in the past or are you living in the now  in peace and joy with an eye to the future?  Do your eyes sparkle with passion for life, does your body move in health and vigor or are you stuffing yourself with any and everything to fill your emptiness and to numb your inner lack and pain? Do you spackle your face with make-up, so no one can see the glow of your skin and wear rings on every finger?

Listening to that man, he was not interested in me or anyone else really – only that they listen to him. No one had value to him… except to fill up his empty self-worth and ego  housed in a bloated stuffed-to the brim fat body.

He had/has a fractured inner core. Where that fracture happened or came from only he could know or figure out. He kept telling me what a nice guy he is… He was exhausting!

I think he did ask me one question – what I did or like to do and I think I stated that I am a writer and was getting ready to put a book out. He didn’t ask what it was about or anything else. He went onto talking  about the  huge house he was going to purchase with large yard and pool —- blah blah and blah!

If I had clearly met someone who obviously could use and benefit from the info in my book – it was this man, but he would have little to no ability to comprehend its awareness . He thought he knew everything – had everything and was everything.  He pretended his life was perfect. His family perfect – kids and grand kids perfect – during our conversation one called him to ask for money. He stated a woman that he took out a couple of times had asked him to pay her rent and to give her money and he couldn’t understand why… UGH! The man had/has no concept of self.

When you are ready to become more aware of what makes you – ‘you’ – what you have been imprinted with, why you believe, think and act as you do – to learn how and why the memories that you recall most often are guiding your life whether you  realize it, want them to or not…