Tag Archives: abortion

I Am A Murderer! – excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR

In my thirties…

When I was in high school, I didn’t know what an abortion was. Only the sleaziest of girls went ‘all the way’. I didn’t know of, or ever even heard of a girl getting pregnant. If one did, it was hidden and taken care of by her family to an outcome that they alone reached and it was done in private.

I didn’t have my first ‘French Kiss’ until the night of my high school prom. The first man that I ‘went all the way’ with, we were engaged and got married. As an adult, I can look back and know that I missed nothing by not having sex at a young age. In that area, I was able to be a child, instead of pretending or playing at being grown-up.

When I was in college, one of my best girlfriends from high school got pregnant by her longtime boyfriend and I was appalled to hear it. No one that I knew of got pregnant before they got married. This couple quickly married because to have a child out of wedlock just wasn’t done. It was shameful to everyone concerned.

I dealt with the issues of sexuality as an adult and even then they were at times very difficult. In my thirties, I got pregnant. The man and I were in love, but I wasn’t out of my first marriage even though we had been separated for years. My ex-husband dragged it out and forced it to court. My first marriage had ended in complete embarrassment and scandal and the whole town knew about it. It would have added more shame for my family and me if I was pregnant, not being completely divorced and not married. The man I loved and I, couldn’t get married, until three months after my divorce was final and it was not even as of yet final. So for the sake of image, we killed our baby.

The man I was dating told me that he would do whatever I wanted to do in this regard. We were planning on getting married anyway, but after much discussion, we opted for abortion.

It was the most difficult decision that I have ever made in my life. I changed my mind several times before actually having the abortion. Even as I was getting out of the car to enter the medical facility, he and I were still discussing it. One of my thought processes in deciding to have an abortion was that it must be okay because others were doing it. Then there was ‘Roe versus Wade’, a ruling that deemed it okay to abort a baby.  This created distorted thinking in me to think that if the government said it was okay then it must be okay. As if having an abortion and killing a child, had a government stamp of approval. Therefore even though in my heart and soul, I knew it was wrong. I made the difficult and horrendous decision to kill our baby. Even as they were putting me under anesthesia, I was protesting in my heart. The doctor feeling my angst said, “Relax, it will be over soon.”

I went to court to testify in my divorce on Monday of that week, which was eventually awarded to me on extreme mental cruelty in a no-fault divorce state. Then on Friday of that same week, I had an abortion.

That doctor performing the abortion was incorrect. It was never over. I suffered emotionally for years because of this decision. The man and I married the following year, but our having made the abortion decision, irreparably harmed our relationship. I couldn’t get past it and he wanted to forget it. He did suffer but he didn’t want to think, talk about it or to deal with his emotions. I needed to deal with mine. I would have intense crying spells concerning this decision. I felt tormented in my heart. I prayed and asked God repeatedly for forgiveness, until I was finally able to put it into some sort of perspective. But I will never get over it and when I think of it, still to this day, I feel like crying. Abortion is murder. On my death bed, I will still be asking for God’s forgiveness for this decision.

Many years later, I told my father about my having an abortion. I am not sure that he believed me or that it really sunk in. He just stared at me and said, “Of all my children, I wanted you to have grandchildren.” Hearing him say this, of course made me feel worse than I already did, in some regards, but not in others. In some ways, I was glad that I didn’t have children. I had such a horrible childhood in some ways that I didn’t want a child to be brought into this world to suffer as I had. I wanted a child to be born into a marriage with a loving couple. I never felt that I had that.

These were my beliefs based on the imprints that I took in from my family of origin.

Children are gifts from God no matter how or where they enter the world. I believe that whatever circumstances a child enters into is theirs to break against, to heal from and is their opportunity to become more of who they are meant to be.

I don’t want women that make the decision to have an abortion to have to sneak into some back alley and have it done by some hack or in less than sterile and safe circumstances. But at the same time, if having an abortion carried shame, it might curtail some from getting pregnant in the first place. That there is shame associated with getting pregnant out of wedlock.

Why is abortion a government issue? Shouldn’t this most serious decision be made between a woman, her doctor, her family, those in her life who understand her situation and her God?

I believe in a woman’s right to choose as there are circumstances in life and that of the unborn where an abortion might be the decision neede be made.  I am not stating that abortion is the right thing to do, as this is not my place, nor is it the place of the government. It is deeply personal and a decision of seriousness that matches few others, as is also the decision to bring a child into the world.

There is a right or better way to live, such as a couple of mature age,  fall in love, get engaged, marry, buy a house then when they are settled, financially responsible and secure in their relationship, have a child. This is actually the best/better/easier way.  Sure there are many other ways, but when you do things ‘right’ – they have a better chance to turn out positive for all concerned.

When and how did abortions become such an ordinary and easy decision to make? Was it ‘Roe versus Wade’ that did it? But the woman that forced the decision concerning this ruling being made into law, has since changed her mind.

How did we as a country become so lax and promiscuous? Was it when the government started paying for unwed mothers and their issue? Is this when many decided that having a ‘government baby’ was the thing to do or even a ‘lifestyle choice’ that was desirable – that the ‘government’ be a child’s father?

I was in my thirties when I had an abortion and even then I didn’t realize how deeply that I would be affected for the rest of my life by this decision. So how in the world can a young person in high school, or even younger understand or have any idea about the importance or how profoundly deep a decision it is to have sex, get pregnant, choose to have an abortion or to bring a life into this world? You need to be able to provide and care for yourself before you bring a life into the world to be under your care and supervision.

Sex creates life. Human life is the most valuable creation there is. Life is the most valuable, important, precious and profound thing on our planet. Abortion is killing a growing human being.  Abortion is killing a life.

My awareness is that I made the choices that I did, based on where I was at the time.  I made a choice guided by shame and image. I made a decision that instinctively I knew was wrong, but based on the fact that the government deemed it okay. I went with the government’s decision to kill an unborn child. Had I not had the government’s blessing, I may not have had the abortion.

I understand all sides, mine, the father of the baby’s, society and the governments. I accept the choice that I made and have lived with it ever since I made it. I forgive myself and all concerned and I turn it over to God.

A book for awareness and healing…

Hell on Earth…

 I met a Dr. who works for Planned Parenthood – I have never met or talked with anyone associated with this organization before. He is Ob-Gyn and cares for and delivers babies at a hospital and then also works for Planned Parenthood giving abortions. I talked to him without sharing my beliefs and opinion – at first. I asked him if he thought of an abortion as killing a child and he answered, “No, it’s just an operation. The women don’t want the child or they should not be having a baby in the first place.” He said that he performs abortions on girls as young as 15 and women who have many, many children and just don’t want another. He was matter of fact about it all with no care or emotion. Although he did state that in his opinion when the first two cells connect that there is life.  Then I commented that assisting to bring babies into the world must be joyful. His response, “No, it’s just a procedure. Many of these women should not be having kids. They can’t afford them. They can’t afford to care for themselves. They have no common sense. They just get pregnant, get an abortion or have the kid and can’t take care of it. If the woman tries to work child care is too costly. So they quit and stay home.”

So he assists with bringing life into the world on one hand and kills life with the other. And to him either way, it’s no big deal… just procedures.

I have worked as a volunteer in a charity capacity with young girls before. I know and understand how frustrating their ignorance, lack of common sense and no education or proper life guidance can be. One girl I worked with was 14 and all she wanted was to be like Angelina Jolie. This uneducated star-struck child wanted to have many children but did not want to be married. I asked her how she would support all of her children and she shrugged. She never thought about it. I told her that Jolie had a lot of money and was able to afford to give her children food, shelter and education even if she was not married. I asked this young girl if she could do that? And she shrugged. She had no concept of reality of what it took to care for children. She just wanted them. She was a child herself and no one had instructed her about life and reality. Her mother had been an unwed mother. She was carrying on the family legacy.

The ignorance, immorality, lack of common sense, lack of parenting, ‘hooking-up’, no real human interaction and connection, technology world we are living in is fast become Hell on earth. With sex as sport and no commitment, abortion with no concern, lack of responsibility, corrupted government. media propaganda and brainwashing. We are doomed.

I am disgusted with it all. I was reared so differently – to treasure life – that you get married, buy a house and then have a child – I was reared with God in my life. I went to Sunday school, church… I never thought about having children before I would be married. To do this would be shameful… What in the world is happening today?! Human life has no value. Morality has no value. Commitment has no value. Evil is taking over our world at rapid pace and at its basis is complete ignorance and irresponsibility – no respect or value for, or to human beings.. some people place more value on their pets than human beings, but dare you mention how many fat people there are now and ‘Oh my gosh!’ you hurt their poor ignorant, self -indulgent feelings’ – This is the world of ‘hook ups’ where sex means little to nothing. There is no commitment with sex and relationships – no commitment to one another –  so no commitment to the children they bring into this world. It’s the don’t judge me lifestyle of the young  and Godless.  Yep… HELL ON EARTH.