Category Archives: Women In Real Life

Relationships, Romance, Self-help, Women In Real Life

THANKSGIVING – Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR

5 Comments

Mid-thirties… 

My entire family is seated around the table in the dining room. The table is filled with turkey and all the trimmings. Dad opened a special bottle of wine. It’s a joyful family celebration. Before we begin eating, we go around the table and each one of us states what we are thankful for.

Then we dig into our Thanksgiving feast. One of us girls makes the suggestion that we reveal the worst thing that we did and got away with when we were living at home with our parents. That our parents didn’t know about.  After all, we were all living in our own homes now, so what could Mom and Dad do – ground us?

I don’t recall which one suggested it or who went first or what anyone confessed to, but when it was my turn.

“When I was fifteen and had just gotten my driver’s permit, it was a Friday night and Mom and Dad went out for the evening. I had a friend over spending the night and we were babysitting my little sisters. We watched movies popped popcorn then got bored and were looking for some excitement and adventure. It was a cold wintery night and there was a bit of snow and ice on the streets but even so, my friend and I decided that it would be fun to take the car out for a drive.”

Mother gasps. “What? I don’t believe you would even think to do such a thing!” She glances across the table at my Father.

He says, “Go on finish the story.”

I continue. “Well believe it, mother. Because after we had done our usual Friday night fun, we were ready for some real adventure. So we talked about loading all the kids in the back seat of Dad’s car then driving around the neighborhood.” I glance at Mom and she shakes her head in disbelief.

I continue, “Really Mom!”

She replies. “I don’t believe you. You are making this up just to shock us.”

I continue, “No, I’m not. We talked about doing it. Changed our minds then we decided to go ahead and do it. The little girls jumped up and down and begged that we do. So we loaded all the kids wearing their pajamas into the backseat of Dad’s car. I got behind the wheel. My friend sat shot gun and off we went. We went driving around the hills of our neighborhood in the dark when there was a bit of ice and snow on the streets. We drove around for a while just fine and it was fun. Then, in an instant we hit an ice patch and the car slid a bit off the road. I’m scared but everyone else thought it was fun and were squealing with excitement and laughter. One of the car’s tires got stuck in some mud. I gunned the car and it didn’t move. I am freaking out inside, but try not to show it. Now everyone else is, too. The little girls are screaming that they want to go home and they are cold. So I gun it again and thankfully, am able pull the car back out onto the street. I drive the car down to the end of the hill, turn around and head back up to our house. I pulled in the driveway and was very careful to park Dad’s car in the exact place where it had been. Then we all get out with excitement and full of exhilaration at what we just did and run into the warm house with everyone exclaiming how much fun it was. Everyone promised not to tell you.” I look at Mom and Dad. “And I guess no one did.” I look into Mom’s face, “And you and Dad never knew or suspected that we did that?”

Mother exclaims, “No and I don’t believe that you did. You were too mindful and good. You were the most obedient child. You never would have done something like that and I don’t believe that you did. You are just making this up to shock us. You were too good and responsible. You never would have done something like that!”

My sisters chime in. “Well, we did it!” It happened!”

Dad says, “Well son of a bitch! No! We sure didn’t know!” He laughs, “You little devils! You are all grounded!”

And everyone laughed.

My awareness is that as a child, my mother always told me how bad I am and how I ruined everything. Now, when I confessed to something I did that was dangerous, irresponsible and bad, she didn’t believe me. Even said, I was making it up because I was too good and responsible. I was stunned, talk about confusing and conflicting messages.

Then I have awareness and understand how much both my parent’s relied on me and had confidence in me. And I fulfilled what they expected of me on most every occasion. Therefore, when I confessed to a time that I didn’t do as they expected, Mother didn’t believe it.

The truth is that I was most always overly good and responsible. And Mother never told me or thanked me when I was being so. She just expected it of me. Thinking back to this makes me angry until I understand that because of my Mother’s issues, I had to be just as I was, responsible and good. I was placed to be so.

But still it felt crazy and confusing and made me feel conflicted inside to hear my mother state that she did not believe it when I was confessing something bad that I did. It also made me realize just as I had thought that I was a kind, caring, good and an overly responsible child. I am proud that I was so, even though it wasn’t fair that I carry such burden and responsibility as a child. Only doing so taught me much and prepared me for life.

To purchase print, e-book or to schedule a consultation – click below…

 


Books by Ayn



Self-help, Women In Real Life

People who think everything is only and all about them…

10 Comments
Some call these people Narcissists  – and they may be in varying degrees – displaying Narcissist traits on different levels. Bottom line – in their world no one has value or matters but them. They have no genuine compassion or empathy for others, unless they can put it to use to benefit them in some way, be it excitement, seduction, sex,  monetary profit, or for even the sadistic pleasure they feel while harming another. – because at least then they can ‘feel’.  Many live a life of depression with little to no genuine fulfillment. They are empty. They may own things and ‘appear’ to  have some kind of earthly power, talent or position, or they may not. 
Nothing feels worse for a Narcissist then when they realize that things are not going as  they direct – that others in their life aren’t going to be as they want them to be – that they aren’t the king of all they survey – that things, power and money aren’t enough even after attaining them, their emptiness returns. They  may fall into narcissist depression. They dance and internal dance of – inflated ego – thinking they are more than, to complete deflation – thinking they are less than and are full of self-loathing.  Think Hillary Clinton – a public display example of this affliction –  self-serving and really only about self gratification. She will not – apparently cannot,  let go that she lost the Presidency –  because she feels and thinks it’s all about her.
 
People such as this can’t see past self because they have been deeply wounded  with no capacity to genuinely self-reflect and to heal. They  try to fill their wounds with things –  addictions – money – power – control over others and when it doesn’t work or doesn’t pan out – they are still left with their wounds. This is when they may become desperate,  anxiety ridden , fall into  deep self-loathing and depression.
They have no ability or are in fear about self-reflection concerning their behaviors or to  have genuine empathy, caring or concern for another or others, because everything is always about them.  They give only in order to get. 
There is  a seemingly flip side to this, in that some care so much about themselves and carry such emptiness that they  even may take into self the pain of others to fill themselves up.  Feeling something even if it’s pain is better than nothing. If someone else is hurting, having issues or even dies, they make it about self.  They may even suffer as if it were happening to them.   They may ‘appear’ to  care even overly so about others and the world at large, but actually,  it’s that whatever happened/happens to someone else, they make it about themselves  and this is because  they are empty. Even another’s death becomes about them and they may carry this for years – if not their whole life.  Mourning the death of someone at length because they make it  ALL about self. It gives them an excuse  not to self-reflect,  heal or to genuinely live . They wallow in pain as their excuse. Depression becomes their excuse – playing victim, so that others who can genuinely feel will feel sorry for them. – thus manipulating others for self attention, once again. 
They will take in and make everything  and anything as being about self – in order to fill up their emptiness and lack.  Pain and depression become their best friends.   People such as this may get overly emotionally dramatic and be unable to let go of events that happen in the world. They may ‘appear’ to be caring bleeding hearts when in actuality they are selfish and make everything all about self.
 
They may worry, criticize, may be cheap, miserly and isolate themselves. They isolate themselves so that they won’t have to meet anyone else’s  needs or expectations. It’s  mine – mine – is their motto.  To give to another in genuine generosity  makes them have the feeling that it is taking something from them.  ‘I don’t need or want to care about or to  give to another because- it’s all about me. Just giving gives no value back to me.’
Meeting another’s needs drains them because they  are so focused on self that they have nothing to give.  They only have the ability to suck off others. They want no accountability or responsibility because that would mean they would need to think of another in genuine consideration , to compromise, or to put another first, at times.  Unable to do this – because all they can think of is what value someone gives to them  – what they can take, steal or what they can extract.    They need more and more to fill them up.   If they  do  give help for  a short amount of time,  it’s to have the temp high  of doing so  which makes the giving about them. Nothing is genuine.  Because they aren’t genuine to self  – they are walking  facades of being human.  Selfish to their core. 
Narcissists do not genuinely love or have empathy for others. Because not one has value to them unless that can take or get from them and love is not about taking it’s about giving. Narcissists cannot/ do not feel joy nor do they genuinely love.
They are people without hope, faith, joy and love. They are fractured. And rather than process their deep seated insecurity and emotions to come to healing, fulfillment and joy, – they are more comfortable staying where they are. They may even wallow in it. They may  overly attach to animals, things or places. They may isolate themselves and feel sorry for themselves. They are overly critical of self and others – nothing is right. Nothing is wonderful for long. They have no joy in their soul for just being. They are not grateful for what they have or have been given. They are constantly on the quest for more, different or  what they think is better.They may go from buying one thing to another –  to be satisfied  only for a bit – because they are never satisfied.  So off to the next shiny thing with it’s momentary high, intrigue and distraction.  They are stuck, blocked and they make everything about self. They destroy their own happiness and that of others. Once they attain what they thought they wanted – it doesn’t satisfy them because they have no ability to feel  satisfied – wanting more, different or what they ‘think’ will make them happy.
One romantic conquest after another, stuffing their face with food, buying – buying -buying.
 
They roam this earth in a depressed state of being – searching for something to fill them up. 
To feel and be fully alive, you must process your emotions and the feelings connected to them.  Along with this comes faith, hope, love, forgiveness and joy! God means for us to live in joy. Satan means for us to live in depression, loss, pain, worry  and unhappiness. Satan rejoices when we live in feelings of lack and torment. God rejoices when we live in feelings of abundance and peace.
 
To have and feel genuine empathy for others, to care, to put others before self is why we are on earth.   But it takes the ability to love self to be able to do so – not in the Narcissist self-love of me -me- me( flipping from the mentality and emotions from a toddler to an adolescent) – those whom are never fulfilled unless, it’s momentarily then always needing/wanting more . But to be in the genuine love of self as seen through the eyes of God – as a mature, caring, feeling adult.  Most of us emotionally and mentally grow out of the ‘toddler – adolescent mind’ into maturity –  these lost souls – do not.  Like a selfish child nothing matters to them – unless, it provides them stimulation and value.
 
When it gets real – time to become an adult- be accountable – put others first or equal to – they run away or fall into depression. ‘Oh poor me’ is their internal mantra.
Victims are the greatest stealers of other’s energy. They suck. They destroy. They criticize. They blame. They whine. They wallow in self pity. They take. They are depressed – angry – sullen – unhappy – unfulfilled. They are a weight on everyone’s world where they enter and stay.  They suck the joy out of the world.
Those who make everything about themselves are lost and never find fulfillment in their heart and soul. Nothing matters to them until it happens to them.
I saw the movie LET THERE BE LIGHT  – it’s a story of a man  doing just this. He  makes everything about himself. His pain, loss and mourning are only about himself. He doesn’t recognize the pain in those he loved.  He doesn’t  see beyond self. He has no faith.  So he fills himself up with liquor, things, sexual pursuits, distractions and by turning against and trying to negate God.  Then God reveals the light.
 
May God reveal his light guiding you to the way of internal peace.
Becoming aware is our path to healing our wounds…
 

Books by Ayn



Self-help, Women In Real Life

Pimple On My Nose – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me In The Air

4 Comments

I am fifteen

I am enjoying visiting with Dad in the kitchen about everyday things. “Hey Tiger, you look cute today.”

Surprised, “I do? Thank you, Daddy!” I was going through the blahs being a teenager and usually felt like I looked icky. So for Dad to tell me that I looked cute made me feel great!

Dad continues, “But you have a pimple on your nose.”

Hearing Dad comment about the pimple on my nose devastated me. I had tried hard to cover it up. It was one of those hulking red terrible ones and it had to be on my nose. It was just horrendous, a complete headlight of embarrassment.

Dad continues, “Did you realize that you had a pimple on your nose, and a big one!”

“Yes, Daddy I did.” Sarcastically, “Thank you, for reminding me.”

“Aren’t you going to do something about it?”

“Yes, I am.” Then I quickly exit the kitchen to my bathroom to look at and work on the pimple on my nose.

So instead of Dad and I having a nice conversation, he pointed out a flaw in me that not only embarrassed me but shut down our communication.  Dad often did that, pointed out a flaw. He would compliment me then take it away in the next breath.

This created in me the feeling that I was never okay and certainly, never close to perfect. And that I must be perfect so that I would not be criticized in some form or another. I became so aware of every little flaw that I didn’t need someone to point them out because I did it myself continually in my mind.

Okay, you know those hard pimples that when you poke a hole in them with a pin, sanitized with alcohol of course, then squeeze and clear liquid and blood comes out? Then the next day, they are full of white pus. They are red, painful and awful and you need to work on them a couple of days – layer by layer, squeezing, applying peroxide and alcohol then repeating the process to fully release the yuck inside of them. Well, releasing poisonous imprints, perceptions and belief systems are the same thing and take the same repeated process. Poke it with a pin and it hurts. Squeeze and a bit of relief then repeat again and again until all the nasty poisonous pus is released. Then and only then will the wound created by the pimple heal itself so that the skin is back to normal and is healthy.

Same as with the fractured part of your being that has been imprinted with negative and poisonous imprints. When these imprints are recalled or triggered, it’s not until all the pus is out that the wound can close over and fully heal. Otherwise, it’s left with poisonous pus to fester and will come back again and again.

It’s also interesting that while the pimple is there that it’s the only thing I can see when I look into the mirror. It stands out to be seen. First thing in the morning, I look at it to see if it’s still there or if it’s healing and less noticeable. I do this many times throughout the day and before I go to sleep at night.  I think about it often when it’s there, then when it heals I completely forget that it had ever been there. That is how we are with most things. When something is irritating us, bothering us, needs our attention, we focus on it as if it runs our life. This is how negative imprints, perceptions and beliefs control us. Until they are seen, understood, accepted and forgiven they control us. Those imprints will continue to bother us until they are recognized because that is their nature and purpose.

My skin is olive and is oily. I suffered and suffer with pimples at times, but the good thing is that oily skin is not prone to dryness and wrinkling like other skin types. So like most everything in life, there is a minus and a plus because we are on the planet of dualities – good and bad – negative and positive. It just depends on where you are at any given time and how you look at it.

As I age, I am happy that I have oily skin. But I still get embarrassed and hate it when I get a pimple and especially on my nose. Because it’s like a sign flashing that I am not perfect. Ha! But I have learned to love myself even though I am not perfect. Just as God loves us all and knows that we are not perfect. But in our imperfection, there is perfection.

Available now in  print -kindle and e-pub…

Consultations available by appointment…


Books by Ayn



Men, Relationships, Self-help, Women In Real Life

Excerpt from DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR…

7 Comments

Image result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun Shooting At Logs In A Pond…

Adult

I am divorced and living in my house alone. I loved being alone in my house. But one night, late at night, while in bed I heard the fence gate at the side of the house squeak open. I jumped up and looked out the side windows of the house. I heard more noises. As I turned on the outside lights to the side of the yard, I dialed 911. I went back into my bedroom, closed the door and kept the 911 operator on the phone until the police arrived.

The police looked all over. No door or window was tampered with but when they came in from the back yard, they told me that the gate to the right of the house was open. There were footsteps on the side yard and in my backyard. They said that when I turned the outside lights on, it must have scared whoever it was away. I was freaked out. So I turned on all the outside lights to flood the yard and kept them on the rest of the night. The policemen inquired if I had a gun for protection.  My answer was no. The police patrolled and watched my street and neighborhood for the rest of that night.

The next day, I called Dad to tell him what had occurred.

Dad said, “I’m going to pick you up. We are going to the ranch. You need to learn how to shoot a gun for your protection.”

At our ranch, Dad drove the truck far out to a back pond where he showed me how to load and to shoot a gun. I practiced by aiming and shooting at logs in the pond. It was so fun! I found that I was a good shot. Dad was impressed.  I loved practicing so much that I wore my dad out. I didn’t want to stop. Dad sat in the truck while I stood nearby, shooting at log after log. Dad did place some beer cans on tree stumps for me to also practice on. But my favorite was to shoot the logs in the pond. I was able to hit my mark most every time.

I noticed that Dad looked at me in pride as I was having fun practicing my aim. Dad and I could have such a good time, just the two of us. We had much in common. We enjoyed learning, striving to master skills and new adventures. I loved the tomboy side of me and so did Dad.

Driving across our land back to the ranch house, “Well Tiger, from the looks of it, I’d say that you could hit someone dead on if they were coming at you. The best strategy is, if you hear someone in your house – get your gun, cock it, get down behind your bed, face and aim at the bedroom door. If you see someone at your door, shoot them in the legs. Immediately after, shoot them in the torso. Shoot to kill. If they are in your house and in your bedroom, they are there to hurt you, so hurt them first.

“But Dad, I don’t know if I could really shoot at someone to hurt them – to kill them?”

“Hell Tiger, are you kidding? If someone is in your house and entering your bedroom, you shoot to kill. Do you hear me? It’s either you or them by that point! And of course, call 911! But don’t be weak and let someone get too close to you, so they can overpower you. You hear me? Shoot to kill!”

“Yes Dad, I understand.”

“Here keep this gun, it’s yours. Keep it beside your bed.”

I respond, “Okay. Thank you.”

Dad continues, “When we get back to the house, I will give you more ammunition for it. Keep it loaded, but with the safety on.”

Dad spent time at length teaching and watching me load and unload the gun, taking the safety off and putting it on. I loved learning. Dad had many guns of all types both at our in town residence and at our ranch.  Knowing how and being able to shoot a gun, when and if I ever needed to protect myself gave me a secure feeling.

That is part of what a Dad does, teaches you to protect yourself physically. Thank you Dad!

Emotionally, Dad taught me some about how to protect myself butImage result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun also left me open to be taken advantage of and to be overpowered. He didn’t do this intentionally. He did it unknowingly. His way of relating to me taught me that I was above most others in the world, but not good enough for him which served to confuse and fracture me internally. At times, I felt better than others then my self-esteem would crash and I felt like I was not good enough.

When you don’t feel good enough and not equal to others, you can flip from feeling better than others to not feeling good enough. This means you are not in balance and not feeling ‘equal to’. It creates up and downs and insecurity at times, then over valuation at others – which is an imbalance in the belief system that leaves a person fractured internally. While they may appear outwardly arrogant at times, they feel weak and insecure at others. This is done to compensate for not feeling equal to others. And this is how my dad related and what he created in me.

Had he been aware, he would have taught me to protect myself emotionally as vigorously as he had taught me to protect myself physically. But did he really and fully know how to do this? He was passing down to me the way that he internally coped and it became imprinted – until I became aware that I am equal to all others, not better than or less than but equal to.

Available now in soft cover and e-book:  Concerning e-book – let me know which application –  e-pub or Mobi for Kindle.

For consulting appointment –  you will need to leave contact info – so we can arrange time.


Books by Ayn



Self-help, Women In Real Life

It’s bumpy and I am scared! ….

10 Comments
It’s Bumpy And I Am Scared!

I am eight

We are on our way to Florida for a family vacation. I am sitting beside Daddy on the airplane. The little girls are sitting somewhere behind us with Mommy.  The airplane is bouncing up and down lots and way too much for my comfort. I feel as if I could throw-up any minute and if I did that, I would be so embarrassed because I am eight-years-old and not a baby.  But it’s really, really bumpy and I’m really, really scared.

I am trying to act grown up, but I get so frightened that I can’t anymore and I turn to Daddy, “I’m scared, Daddy. Why is the airplane bouncing so much? I feel like I could throw up!” He responds, “It’s okay Tiger, airplanes are meant to withstand turbulence.” “But -but, Daddy, I feel sick to my stomach.” “Here’s an airbag, hold onto it just in case you need to throw up.” I take the bag and hold it tightly in my lap while trying very hard to not be afraid.  Then the airplane bounces up high then down low as my stomach does the same. “Daddy, Daddy! Is the plane going to crash?” “No, everything is fine. The airplane is doing what it’s supposed to do. It is built to withstand turbulence.”  “Okay Daddy, but I am still scared.” The plane bounces roughly again. I grab hold of Daddy’s arm, “Daddy!”  “Okay, Tiger, remember when we were fishing that time and your Mother caught a fish and when she reeled it in and it flip flopped inside the boat, how she jumped up, screamed and almost turned the boat over?” I laughed, “Yes, I do, Daddy and it was so funny!” Daddy kept telling me stories, real and made up, one after another, until the plane touched down in Miami. He kept my mind off the turbulence, off my fear and off my needing to throw-up. He kept me focused and even laughing and enjoying myself.

Even at the age of eight, while this was the perfect distraction, I knew what he was doing. And as I knew this, I loved him so very much for his doing of it.  I love the memory of sitting beside my dad when I was scared riding in turbulence in an airplane and he told me story after story to keep my mind off my fear. So clearly, your mind, even while in intense fear can be distracted and occupied in order that you stay out of fear and in control, relaxed and in present time. Daddy taught me this by example, when I was eight-years-old that to occupy my mind with funny and interesting things and the fear will dissipate.  I love you Daddy for this lesson, thank you!

I recall this imprint of awareness as often as need be. If when emotional, you flip into your thinking brain, it will alleviate or may even clear the emotion. Being more in the analytical side of your brain will bring you into present time – to be in the moment and out of the emotion of fear or the anticipation of fear and the ‘what if’s’.  When I am in stress, emotional pain, fear, anticipation or dread, I will oftentimes, do a task, such as clean my house, workout, focus on something physical and or mental that will pull me out of my feelings and emotions. Doing this gives me release to either work through the issue, come back to it refreshed, put it more into perspective or to release it completely. Staying and being in present time puts most things into perspective.  It’s the anticipation of fear of the future and or anticipation of the ‘what if’s’ or the negatives that messes us up and freezes us in emotional fear.  Of course we need to prepare for the future and the ‘what if’s’ in life as best that we can, but some things we have no control over or won’t know until they happen. As human beings, we are vulnerable at times. Some things are out of our control.  So it’s better to live happy and positive and turn it over to God.




Self-help, Women In Real Life

My Last Halloween – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me in the Air..

6 Comments
  • My Last Halloween

 I am thirteen

I have to take all of my younger sisters, ‘trick or treating’.   What a drag! Well, I guess I can get all dressed up like a ‘beatnik’ or something. Then maybe, it won’t be all that boring.  Halloween is on a school night and mother will not let me go to my friend’s house. I have to stay at home.

Image result for Pictures of Children on trick or treatingI love Halloween! I like to run around in the dark with my friends. I especially like it when it’s cold and windy. When the weather is like that, Halloween is really haunting. It’s fun to scare yourself by pretending a monster is after you.

This might be my last Halloween because I’m getting older. I’m getting too old to ‘trick or treat’ with my younger sisters. I wish I didn’t have to take them around the neighborhood house to house, but I’ll make the most of it. I’ll dress up and get candy too. I feel tall and awkward. I grew fast or something because all of a sudden I’m taller than everyone. I’ll just stand in the back of the group. That way no one will notice me.

Everyone is ready and it’s beginning to get dark. So off we go! The wind is blowing and it’s cold outside. It’s a perfect Halloween! The wind is howling in the trees. The leaves on the trees are making rustling sounds.   It’s all so spooky and fun, I love it  We go from house to house, up and down the streets. Our neighborhood has lots of hills which makes it even more fun and scary.

After being out for about an hour and a half walking up and down the hills, we’re heading back to our house. It’s getting late and everyone is getting tired. We have three more houses to go before we’re back at our house. The house that we’re going to next is real pretty. It sits on the other corner opposite from ours and has a bridge to walk across to get to it. It’s fun to walk over the bridge. The lady who lives there appears nice. I’ve seen her driving her car in the neighborhood. She’s pretty and friendly. It’ll be fun going to her house. I think she has some sons around my age or maybe, older.

We run across the bridge and go up to the front door. We ring the door bell and yell, “Trick or Treat!” The lady comes to the door and looks us all over. She comments about all the little children’s costumes and says how cute or scary they look. Then she looks up at me and turns up her nose. She makes a sarcastic comment about the fact that I’m too old to be ‘trick or treating’. She comments, “You’re a bit tall aren’t you? Don’t you think you’re too old to be ‘trick or treating’?   You’re taking candy away from the cute little ones. It’s horrible how you older children ruin the holiday for the children.” Hearing this coming out of her mouth is my worst fear. I feel so uncomfortable, I could die. I am tall for my age, five foot three and very thin. What this woman said to me and the way she said it, cut right through me.   I felt embarrassed, awkward and wanted to crawl into a hole. I told her that I was taking my little sisters out, but she shot me a dirty look. I felt like I had committed a crime by the way this woman looked at and spoke to me.   Then she said, “If you are only taking your sisters out, why did you take the candy and why do you have a candy sack?”

I wanted out and away from her fast. I didn’t respond to her and told everyone to hurry up that we are going home. I wouldn’t

Image result for Photos of pumpkins and Halloween candy

let my sisters go to more houses after that experience. When we got into our house, all my younger sisters got their pajamas on and then poured all their candy out on the floor in their bedrooms.

I went downstairs to my room and took a shower.   I felt ugly and dirty after the way that lady had spoken to me. What she said and the way that she said it, hurt my feelings into my heart. I already felt awkward and weird about my appearance and all the changes of the new school and the new neighborhood. To hear those critical words come out of her mouth, when I was doing as my parents asked me to do, hurt me into the core of my being.  I had seen her around the neighborhood and thought she was pretty and that she would be a nice person.  I got into my bed that Halloween night and cried.   I thought something must be really bad wrong with me for a lady in our neighborhood to say those things to me.

This woman became a friend of my mother’s and they played bridge together in a club. After that Halloween night, I have seen her and been around her all of my life. I do not really have an opinion whether she is ‘nice’ or not anymore, but I’ll always remember her stinging words. The words she said to a thirteen-year-old child taking her sisters ‘trick or treating’. I wondered what would make her say such comments to a child. Years later, at a society luncheon event, I decided to share with her what I remembered about that Halloween and how it had affected me.   She was shocked. She said she did not remember saying those things and she always thought all of us girls were darling. She even had hopes that her son and I would date because she thought me such a doll. So I had spent years agonizing over something this women had said when she didn’t even recall saying it.

This incident makes me aware of how easy it is to affect a child or anyone by our ‘innocent’ comments. This woman meant no harm. She was just voicing her opinion, but she was voicing her opinion to a sensitive, insecure young girl. I took her words to heart because I was at a sensitive time in my life and was insecure in myself. If she had said that when I was feeling secure, I might have just thought her rude and blown it off. What was the purpose of her cruel and berating remarks?   Had she had a difficult day and was just taking her frustration out on a kid or was she a bitter woman who really didn’t like children, unless they were little and adorable? Had she had some liquor that night while answering the door for ‘trick or treaters’, so her judgment was flawed? Who knows?   It really does not matter.

All I know is that at the time, her remarks cut deeply into me. Are we ever truly aware of what we say and how we say it affects others? But on the flip side, sometimes harsh remarks can stimulate us to look at self and to change. Only in this instance, there was nothing I could change. I was tall for my age and I was doing as my parents asked me to do and I got nailed for it by a neighbor.

Awareness is why did I let this affect me so deeply?   Granted I was a child and did not realize at the time that this woman was being a grouch. I automatically took it into myself and to heart that something must be wrong with me. I had such low self-esteem at the time that I automatically took her critical remarks as if I was doing something ‘wrong’. Actually, I was doing something I did not really want to be doing, to help my mother and my younger sisters.

The reality is when someone says ugly and hateful things they are usually talking about how they feel at the time. It is more a reflection of them and not you. If a person truly loves themselves, they usually don’t say hurtful cruel things to others, especially to a young child. But also awareness is that sometimes, you can be overly sensitive and take something to heart that the person saying it doesn’t even recall. This lady was placing her opinion on me without knowing anything about what was really going on. How grumpy does a person need to be to verbally attack a child, ‘trick or treating’?

When I look back on this event, it seems so insignificant, but I have remembered the way I felt at the time all of my life. This lady had no awareness of how much she affected the young girl she spoke to on that Halloween so long ago. She never realized it or even thought about it. We are constantly, day by day, bringing up emotions and feelings in one another as we react and interact with each other,  So the awareness is that you never know how much you affect people by what you may say or do. Also why do we let what people say to us affect us so much, at certain times in our life? Why do we let their critical remarks injure our self-esteem? That is our issue to look at, not theirs. When we are secure in ourselves, we will not feel the need to talk negatively to others. And when we are secure in ourselves, we will not take negative, critical things other people say into ourselves and allow them to affect us.  The goal is to respect ourselves and others.




I can forgive this woman. She had no awareness of how much she hurt me. It was my own insecurity which allowed this incident to affect me so deeply. Many times, you may not see things as they are; you see things as you are.

Be aware that everything you say and do affects you or those around you either for good or for ill. And sometimes what is meant for ill; can be changed to good.

“Everything I do and say with anyone makes a difference.” Gita Bellin

Our memories and their imprints teach, guide or limit depending on how we process them…




 

Inspirational/Spiritual, Media, Self-help, Women In Real Life

Daddy Throws Me In The Air….

23 Comments

I will have the books sent to me to sign.then will mail them onto you. The price is $24.99 along with a small mailing fee – since it will go through two mailings – to me then to you.




Ayn Dillard’s book, Daddy Throws Me in the Air, demonstrates plenty of spunk and tenacity that will inspire others, who have had similar trials and tribulations in their upbringing, to persevere as she has done. It is a self-help book that encourages as well as coaches others in how to survive a difficult childhood.A searing look at what the lack of love and feeling of empathy from a parent can do to a child. Ayn works her way through this unspeakable stress at a young age and gradually comes to terms over how to handle the loss of maternal support.  Janice Spina, Author, Copy Editor

Description: 
“It was time to heal. I had to stop creating a life that I could not live.  It was time for the pain and suffering to stop.  There was too much pain. I will die if the pain continues.  Why does my life keep ending up in the same place?  Abusive marriages, divorces, lawyers, legal suits – people in my life that had alcoholism, mental illness and abusive behavior, all telling me that I am the problem.  Why did I keep creating and recreating everything I did not want and vowed not to have in my life?

In the process of the healing – soul searching – reading of books – discussing – studying – therapy; seemingly insignificant scenes from my childhood kept entering my mind.  The scenes were overpowering me, forcing me to look at and relive the feelings that I was having at the time.  I began writing down the stories and discovered very meaningful messages that I was given as a child, messages that imprinted me and shaped my life’s existence.  These scenes and the feelings they created caused me to experience a repetitive pattern.  It did not matter if the imprints were intended to create this pattern, only that it was the pattern it created in me. Until I was genuinely ready and able to look at my imprints and beliefs, where they came from and release them – the pattern would remain.”
Negative imprints, beliefs, thinking and emotions cause a great deal of mental, emotional and physical distress. Negative thoughts and worry sink deep and can control your life. There is power in how you perceive your past, your relation to it and your world . Awareness of how your past affects and guides will help stop the vicious cycle
‘Daddy Throws Me In The Air’ is a journey through childhood memories to  awareness. It includes a process to assist in releasing negative imprints and beliefs.
My life is my gift to you.

Excerpt:

He turns and looks at me, as I softly ask. “Daddy, do you mean that?”

His eyes tear as he answers. “If you had never been born, your mother would not have had a breakdown. If you had never been born, she would be okay – like she was when we first met. She was more like you are then. She was happy and full of – of life and now…”

“You said this is not the way things are supposed to be with me. So you think at the age of one that I caused her to have a breakdown? Was I, at the age of one supposed to experience that? Do you ever think about what that did to me as a baby, to have a mother become catatonic then put into a mental institution? Was that supposed to happen?

Tears enter my Dad’s eyes almost as if he had never thought about the affect all that had on me as a one-year-old.
Dad doesn’t answer. He just stares ahead.

Author Bio:
Ayn Dillard has experienced much prompting much self-reflection. She is a self-proclaimed know-it-all and is sharing some of what she knows with you. She acknowledges that just when you think you know everything, your inner or outer world shifts. For you to realize that you don’t know much of anything, encouraging you to dig deeper to discover an even more profound awareness and wisdom. Understanding this, she shares what she has gleaned from her experiences and life to assist others to become more aware. She is a former ballet dancer, and former interior designer.

 
EXPLOSIONS, Self-help, Women In Real Life

Empty People…

11 Comments

trying to fill themselves up – do much damage to self and others. To them the grass is always greener – because they have little to no ability to appreciate where they are, what they have and to water their own grass – they are always looking over the fence to another yard or to attain another shiny object.

They exploit others using sexuality – they lie – they cheat – trying to make themselves feel good about who they are and  to stave off and deny their internal self-lack. They are void of self worth continually trying  to fill themselves up.  Sex is one way, but there are many ways that the empty-vessel-people try to fulfill their desperate need to feel worthy and fulfilled.

They may gorge themselves on food. All those huge swollen bodies in this world stuffed themselves overly full to become that way. Sure, there are a few people with physical disorders that keep them heavy, but for most it’s because they stuff themselves to overly full – way too often. We all may do this occasionally, but it’s not what is done occasionally that does the harm. It’s what is done daily as a habit or obsession that creates the dysfunction of destruction. Then most sit on their butts in front of the TV or computer escaping into whatever it is  they can find.  Escape – escape-  escape is their goal – trying to escape themselves and their self loathing and fear, along with refusal to face self in any solid self-reflection.

Some use drugs or alcohol to escape their self-lack and emptiness.  They will do any and everything to avoid facing self and their core issues. They are empty to the core and they will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel full – except to face self and to genuinely heal. They continually are trying to cover their internal wound with one band aid after another, when emotional surgery is what is needed. They have little or no regard for others because they have little to no regard for self.

Some buy or collect things. Some become hoarders – if one is good ten is better mentality. They may collect cars or other objects. But once one object has been purchased and owned – their intense internal lack leads them to immediately desire another. They are never satisfied as they roam about on the hunt for their next momentary high only to have it crash to the ground which stimulates  and forces them to search and acquire their next rush. They can’t be genuinely happy or feel fulfilled for long because they do not have the internal means to do so. Some where in their lives they have been fractured – and it’s seemingly easier for them to look  outward to things, objects, money, sex, drugs – any addiction rather than to stop and face  self – their demons – their inner issues.  The grass is always greener in their distorted mind’s view. Something around the next corner or curve they think may be their answer.  They may have a beautiful wife, kids and success but they have little to no ability to have appreciation or gratitude  for what they have. Their inner empty vessel  always desires more – better – younger -newer – the next best shiny thing.  If they have a brunette wife, they desire a blond mistress, etc.

They have little ability to be in the moment of thanks and gratitude. They have a restless soul – they are an empty vessel always looking – searching to be filled-up in some way or form. I am not referring to healthy ambition. I am talking a destructive, internal empty vessel self of nothingness that will eventually lead to destruction in some form or another.

It also  has to do with spirituality and a connection to God – when there is little to none – destruction of self and others doesn’t matter – because no real ability to feel love – contentment – goodness or joy exists in the individual at the deeper soul level. God – goodness values human life. Evil – satanic has no value for human life, but to capture and destroy… hence its attraction to addictions of all varieties.

The key to having a solid core is to face self straight on and in deep self-reflection.  Avoiding self will always lead to  a life with broken fragments – ultimately shards of nothingness.

My book – out now … has a process to assist with this kind of intense and inner self-reflection.




EXPLOSIONS, Self-help, Women In Real Life

Only lost souls – those with fractured self-identities…

4 Comments

are overly enamored or obsessed with actors, actresses, rock stars, reality stars, artists, politicians, athletes, sports, religious types, those of extreme wealth or any kind of ‘guru’ etc. – and I will also include in this group those who are obsessed with ‘things and objects’.

People in the public eye are showing  for the most part an ‘orchestrated persona’. It is not – many times anything close to who and what they actually are. And some, who are shockingly crass and gross are doing so to garner fame,  attention and your money to purchase what they are offering. Many are talented in the areas of acting, music or athletics and it’s to be enjoyed or admired for what it is. But because they can play tennis or golf well, does not mean their whole life is in order – that they are wise about much anything else – or that their life is that which to emulate – Tiger Woods comes to mind. – but there are so-so many others.

They make money and fame off all their followers. Why follow anyone – how about lead your own life? Only a person with little to no self-identity will overly attach themselves to a person, place or thing. 

When you put those in the public eye on a pedestal and admire them, emulate them – follow them – worship them – thinking that what you see is really accurate or all that there is – and that they have no motive other than that which is self-serving or that they have nothing negative, perhaps even vile that is  being hidden from view – then you are bound to be disappointed.

Their images are often times created to be as such to grab attention and admiration and nothing more – with the purpose of gaining income and popularity for self and their ‘handlers’. It’s mostly advertising and publicity. In essence, it’s a con and fraud to the public – an illusion.

Some teenagers  – the immature – those who remain stunted in their emotional and intellectual development may idolize these figures for awhile especially those with little self- identity. But hopefully  as they grow, find and develop who they are and will become – they will be able to self-actualize and not idolize others to prop up their identity. They will mature out of these illusions and delusions as they  discover themselves and their individual identity. It’s only the lost souls – the fractured, who stay captured by the facade of  images and things. Unfortunately, in this time frame, there seems to be so many with little to no maturity, wisdom and authenticity of self that they emulate, believe, even get plastic surgery to look like some public person.

Actors, musicians, etc. are to be appreciated for their talent and enjoyed as entertainment, but that is pretty much it – to give them more credit is to be immature, naive and under a kind of spell of brainwashing. They are not ‘stars’ . That phrase ‘movie star’ was coined to garner admiration and to create the illusion of being above all others. It’s all BS! They are not above all others. Because someone can read a script, fake emotions and actions means only that – that they can be fake. Just because someone can hit or run fast with a ball doesn’t mean that they know much about how to live correctly or have any emotional intelligence or any values or morals other than ‘bling’. So why would any thinking person ever think anything more or else of them?

They are flawed regular people with a particular talent – they entertain the masses and doing this pays well in the times we are living in – the times where so many, focus so overly on escape – trying to escape their lives – escape their self – to escape thinking for self – to attach their lacking self identify to that of another.

Today – we are seeing many ‘stars’ fall into the reality of who they actually are.  This is a good thing – we all need to live in reality to see and beware of  truth.

What some actress wears, who she sleeps with, when they marry, when they divorce have nothing to do with your life – and if you try to emulate someone whom you don’t really know and believe what they say and how they live – you are a fool.

Appreciate and enjoy their talent but realize who they actually are in their private lives may very well repulse you. I can read about this mess for a few seconds while waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store and have enough of the idiocy to last a lifetime… it’s a diversion into insanity – escape into a bizarre kind  of fun for a few minutes then BLAH!

Enjoy, appreciate, even learn from talent and entertainment, but be discerning and think for yourself. Don’t blindly believe or follow anyone.

Each person is here to develop who they are, not to try and become ‘like’ someone else or to become a puppet of repetition of thoughts, life styles or beliefs of some flipping actor, etc.

Stars  and ‘star makers’ are falling – crashing into the hard ground of reality these days – and thankfully so…

Idolizing a person is just as stupid, vile and banal as idolizing an object.

Self-help, Women In Real Life

Everything in life is relative….

28 Comments

This week for me has been intense – I was relaxing after dinner last weekend sipping wine and feeling content and at peace, then I broke a crown on a back tooth while eating salt water taffy. I know stoopid but I had a temporary addiction to it – now over! HA!  I do not have a dentist  where I live. I travel to a different state to go to my dentist that I have gone to for about four decades. I love him –  those in his office are like family and I feel safe there. But know and decide that  I must get a dentist where I live. TRAUMA! I have had trauma with dental work ever since I was twelve when my two front teeth were knocked out in an accident. Traumatic events create imprints – stress us and throw us into a kind of frenzy and intense internal fear. This  imprint/memory is shared  in – my soon to be released book.  So I went on the hunt to find a dentist that I would feel comfortable with to put on a temporary then a new crown … FEAR – STRESS!!!

As I was dealing with this, they are putting  new roofs on the townhouses where I live and mine was happening this very week.  Ever lived where a new roof was being put on? It is loud … it feels like being in hell. BANG! BANG! BANG! Mess everywhere – and they begin at 7:00 AM and go to 7:00 PM. I like peace and quiet. I must have a certain amount of it and I can’t stand messes and dirt.

At the same time, I am  working to get my book DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR published… and it’s now being put through the copyright phase. Since it’s about memories in my life… it has sensitive topics in it. Although, I have not only changed names but left out names for the privacy of the living.  It’s a memoir – self-help.

https://www.facebook.com/ayndill/

Along with this, Nordstrom’s couldn’t find my return… so I had to spend time on many, many phone calls.

Hectic week! I did find a dentist – I think I will like. So a temporary has replaced the cracked crown. Today my roof is complete. This morning, they came out to power wash my patio from all the soot that fell from the roof on my patio between my garage and house, when they were working on it.

As I looked out at the men cleaning my patio, I pondered – ‘everything in life is so relative’. I thought of the people in Houston and other towns affected by the flooding of hurricane Harvey. My current issues would seem like little to nothing to them. Right now, I bet they would feel glad to hear the sounds of a new roof being put on their houses.

I saw in my mind’s eye the images of the people walking in flood waters, being carried out of their homes, etc. The horror of it all – their loss – their pain – how unsettled and surreal their lives must feel at this time. They can’t relax in their homes and look out their window while sipping coffee. Our homes are so dear and comforting to us especially during and after trauma. But that is their trauma – the security of their home and belongings have been taken from them. My heart, of course broke for them again, as it had been all week – for all they are enduring.

While I had a stressful week – it was nothing compared to what these people  are going through. And as I stand at my back window, sipping iced coffee, watching the men clean my patio. After my week of trauma,  I am now  in peace – most all of my temporary irritations are over or are on the mend. While those affected by the flooding have so much ahead of them to deal with. And I thought, ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ –   And  also, ‘I cried because I had no shoes, then I saw a man who had no feet.’

May God bless all those hurting and in harm’s way and fill their hearts and lift their minds with comfort, peace, faith and hope for healing, renewal and a fresh beginning.

Everything in life is so amazingly relative.  And this is exactly what a part of my book is about – that we are all in different places. We endure different trials, joys, imprints, have different beliefs, suffer, endure and with faith hopefully can get past and release the trauma and are able to heal.

It serves us all to be thankful for where we are, what we have and what we may be dealing with – however big, small, irritating or irrelevant  it may appear, because it could/might get  worse, change or get better at a moment’s notice.

We are all vulnerable on this Earth. Our only real peace and salvation is with our Lord.