Category Archives: Women In Real Life

Everything in life is relative….

This week for me has been intense – I was relaxing after dinner last weekend sipping wine and feeling content and at peace, then I broke a crown on a back tooth while eating salt water taffy. I know stoopid but I had a temporary addiction to it – now over! HA!  I do not have a dentist  where I live. I travel to a different state to go to my dentist that I have gone to for about four decades. I love him –  those in his office are like family and I feel safe there. But know and decide that  I must get a dentist where I live. TRAUMA! I have had trauma with dental work ever since I was twelve when my two front teeth were knocked out in an accident. Traumatic events create imprints – stress us and throw us into a kind of frenzy and intense internal fear. This  imprint/memory is shared  in – my soon to be released book.  So I went on the hunt to find a dentist that I would feel comfortable with to put on a temporary then a new crown … FEAR – STRESS!!!

As I was dealing with this, they are putting  new roofs on the townhouses where I live and mine was happening this very week.  Ever lived where a new roof was being put on? It is loud … it feels like being in hell. BANG! BANG! BANG! Mess everywhere – and they begin at 7:00 AM and go to 7:00 PM. I like peace and quiet. I must have a certain amount of it and I can’t stand messes and dirt.

At the same time, I am  working to get my book DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR published… and it’s now being put through the copyright phase. Since it’s about memories in my life… it has sensitive topics in it. Although, I have not only changed names but left out names for the privacy of the living.  It’s a memoir – self-help.

https://www.facebook.com/ayndill/

Along with this, Nordstrom’s couldn’t find my return… so I had to spend time on many, many phone calls.

Hectic week! I did find a dentist – I think I will like. So a temporary has replaced the cracked crown. Today my roof is complete. This morning, they came out to power wash my patio from all the soot that fell from the roof on my patio between my garage and house, when they were working on it.

As I looked out at the men cleaning my patio, I pondered – ‘everything in life is so relative’. I thought of the people in Houston and other towns affected by the flooding of hurricane Harvey. My current issues would seem like little to nothing to them. Right now, I bet they would feel glad to hear the sounds of a new roof being put on their houses.

I saw in my mind’s eye the images of the people walking in flood waters, being carried out of their homes, etc. The horror of it all – their loss – their pain – how unsettled and surreal their lives must feel at this time. They can’t relax in their homes and look out their window while sipping coffee. Our homes are so dear and comforting to us especially during and after trauma. But that is their trauma – the security of their home and belongings have been taken from them. My heart, of course broke for them again, as it had been all week – for all they are enduring.

While I had a stressful week – it was nothing compared to what these people  are going through. And as I stand at my back window, sipping iced coffee, watching the men clean my patio. After my week of trauma,  I am now  in peace – most all of my temporary irritations are over or are on the mend. While those affected by the flooding have so much ahead of them to deal with. And I thought, ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ –   And  also, ‘I cried because I had no shoes, then I saw a man who had no feet.’

May God bless all those hurting and in harm’s way and fill their hearts and lift their minds with comfort, peace, faith and hope for healing, renewal and a fresh beginning.

Everything in life is so amazingly relative.  And this is exactly what a part of my book is about – that we are all in different places. We endure different trials, joys, imprints, have different beliefs, suffer, endure and with faith hopefully can get past and release the trauma and are able to heal.

It serves us all to be thankful for where we are, what we have and what we may be dealing with – however big, small, irritating or irrelevant  it may appear, because it could/might get  worse, change or get better at a moment’s notice.

We are all vulnerable on this Earth. Our only real peace and salvation is with our Lord.

Globalists- NWO – UN – many in our Government ….

and media around the world  who are aligned with this manipulative, corrupt, evil, ‘destroy America’ movement  are the biggest racists that exist. They  want to rule over the  world with all others beneath them in servitude; as in Al Gore, Soros, Clintons, Buffet, Obamas, Gates, Zuckerberg, Pelosi, Rothchilds, some of the Bushes, etc. – to name a very few. Their goals are to control all the world’s resources and assets, including all property rights. They want to weaken America  and take us down to insert us into the NWO under the rule of the UN. Under this rule, the masses will have no freedom.  It will be an illusion of ‘being taken care of’. All will be ‘considered equal’ according to the edit of the few who rule over the masses. So what better way to do this than to flood America with illegals, refugees and others that don’t want to assimilate, but instead want to drain, destroy, change, rule over and conquer the USA.  

President Trump is trying to expose and to  bust this up. This group of  self- anointed  elitists are greatly threatened and in fear of him and what he is doing as it goes against their destructive evil agenda for America.  While they appear that they wanted ‘equality’ for all – this is only a facade – what they want is control. That is why they are after Trump so intensely. He is exposing them and will continue to do so. He sees right through them and has for years. If you listen to his interviews, from decades ago, he even says so then and that he knows their agenda.

Only the ignorant are buying into the chaos and division that ‘they’ are instigating, triggering and promoting concerning race, etc. Tearing down statues and monuments is destroying our history. History is ‘what it is’ – it can’t be changed and it is to be learned from. To tear down, destroy, hide  or try to recreate history is control for agenda and of evil.

‘They’ own most the media. So ‘they’ imprint in the minds of fools that which they want them to believe. They know most of the populous will believe what they are told because they don’t/won’t/can’t think for themselves and are easily brainwashed to believe that these manipulative elitists care about them and their miserable lives. ‘They’ think as advertisers do – repeat the promo – the lie – promote – repeat – promote –  continuously repeat –  and  the masses will believe what they are told to believe and buy what they are told to buy.

They want the American people weak and fighting one another. A house divided against itself cannot stand.

They want the government to replace God…. they want the world broken, fractured, fragmented, perverted, confused and under their Satanic-based control.

Cut to the chase – we are on the planet of dualities – good versus evil.

Evil hates the good, just for their being the good . Therefore, Leviathan fog is spread over all communication and  used for manipulation, control and corruption.

Their weakness is their arrogance – that no one can see what they are doing and that they ‘think’ in their distortion that  ‘they’ are all powerful. Just like Satan thought he was better and more powerful than God.  So God – ‘good’ – threw evil out of Heaven and  down to earth.

Evil is not more powerful than good.

God is freewill. Evil is about control…

24 hours in a Hell of irritation…

It’s twelve o’clock at night, I am relaxing sitting in bed looking forward to watching a movie, I  just rented sipping red wine from a stemless glass ( I am not stoopid – glasses with stems can cause accidents in a bed) after a long, hot day.  I lift up to move my laptop and the glass flips up then lands hard. The ounce of red wine, if that – splashes all over my completely white bedding.  Ever seen red wine splashed on a white bed? It looks like someone was murdered in my bed.  Yikes! I ponder this mess. How can so little red wine create so much destruction?  I can’t stand spots on anything – drives me a bit crazy! But it’s late – should I wash it out now or later? I elect to wash the comforter and the blanket. I put the comforter in with  a bit  of bleach.

When I go down to put it in the dryer, I find that the washer has overflowed because of the largeness of the comforter blocked the back water drain. I struggle to put the wet and heavy comforter into the dryer. Then put the blanket into the washer and begin to clean up the water that is all over the utility room floor. I need to move everything.  Just as the water is about cleaned up – I pick up the vanilla coffee  in glass bottles  resting their cardboard case –  not realizing how wet the cardboard is – the  four glass bottles fall to the marble floor and break – spilling and splashing coffee and scattering broken glass all over. I am freaking out. Talking to myself by now, as I continue my clean up – stating to the universe, “Bring it on! I will not be broken!” I pick up and take to the  trash over and over again – broken glass and coffee soaked paper towels –  moving everything  on the floor to make sure I get every ounce of this mess cleaned up. Then another two bottles of vanilla coffee fall to the floor and break. I should not have challenged the universe –  huh?! I begin to cry as I continue cleaning up. My hands and feet cut by the broken glass. After the floor is clean – I tend to my ‘utility-water/coffee/glass on floor’ war wounds…

Finally! It’s all over with  comforter and blanket back on the bed, but with sheets still  to be washed – saving for the next day. I settle into watch the movie I ordered. Then the cable goes out.  I call the provider and wait  ad-nauseam- until finally, I get a person who barely speaks English – who  guides me through the process to correct the cable issue -tedious at best – I can barely understand her.  I am about to blow, but keep saying to myself – keep calm – stay in awareness. All this is nothing in the whole scheme of things… right!?

The next day, I deal continually with the  publishing of my soon to be out book, Daddy Throws Me In The Air… a memoir, self-help book, which I began 25 years ago and knew it was time to complete a few months ago. Dealing with formatting issues… on and on and so forth – I realize the book, I thought would be out in August will not be out until mid-Sept.  After spending most all the day on this, I do notget around to washing my red-wine-stained sheets nor do I  eat all day – well, nothing but a banana and some vanilla coffee… yes, the same offending  vanilla coffee bottles that broke on the utility floor – I had two left after the utility room disaster.

I decide to go to spin class to release the stress and shift the energy. Exercise is a great release and has saved my sanity many-a-time. And whew! It works! After class –  having nothing, but a banana all day, I am starving. I decide to pick up ribs  at one of my favs. I get home to find the order is incorrect. The ribs have overly hot and spicy sauce when I had ordered honey barbecue. My mouth burns at the first bite causing my empty stomach to hurt.  I am beyond starving after working out so hard. I eat a dinner of French fries and coleslaw. And the restaurant promises to make good on my ribs the next time, I pick up ….

As I write this, I am sitting in my freshly washed white bed sipping ‘white’ wine. The moral of this story is? Don’t sip red wine while sitting in an all white bed  – or things just happen and when they do, it’s one irritation after another – or after the chaos comes peace – or !@#$%^$#@!#$%^%$#@$%

What???!

Cheers babeeee!  Look for my book DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR … to be out sometime in September….

There is a process included in my book to assist in releasing limiting imprints, negative belief systems and stress. I created it and use it all the time – for the little and the big things…

 

Male is the head and Female is the heart…

of the home. This is a union that has the highest possibility on earth – that of the head and the heart – male and female in union . To think without feeling or to feel without thinking… is not  humanity at it’s finest. It’s when they come together that we are closer to God in his image with the ability to think through our hearts. It’s a union when at its highest and finest  –  no man can put asunder.  And is why, God created male and female with different traits and aspects that complement one another.

Male is not to dominate female but to honor, protect, and provide for her so her gifts and radiance come forth for his and both their benefit. Female is to be led by male as he uses his head and follows her heart. Merged and together they create a whole with purpose – ability and possibility to come to truth… a complete fulfilling and pure love.

Weak – insecure – those of low self-esteem and low-value feel and have a need to dominate…

Strong competent, secure, confident men and women are leaders, they are strong and secure in their countenance.  Their word is their honor. They protect, provide and produce. ( I am focusing on males in this article. Are there women who fit this? Yes, of course.)
Only weak men feel and have the need to ‘dominate’. As in relationship, it is give and take; one leads at times and the other follows, as each have different talents, strengths and knowledge. That’s in business and all other of life’s endeavors also. Weak people can ‘dominate’ just by their being weak, Weak people use whatever, they can to ‘dominate’ because they are weak and have little ability to be secure and strong. So they ‘dominate’ anyway that they can, to ‘feel’ in control. Weakness, unhappiness, whining, feigning illness, fears are powerful ways to control others.  Therefore, it’s not only by the ‘appearance’ of strength and control  that can be the way to dominate . But ultimately, it is the weak, no matter how ‘strong’ they may first appear or growl in their roar, that have the need to dominate.  The need to dominate over others is a sign of weakness. Damaged people have the need to dominate.

When a man feels he is of low-value  then he might as well pull you down to match him. He could try to raise his value but that takes more effort and discipline. It’s easier to try and lower your value to match his own so that he  feels more comfortable.  This is what weak men with a need to dominate do. After all, it’s less risky and he gets to exert more of his “value extracting” dominance in the  relationship. Yes, that’s right, “value extracting” dominance. If he’s able to keep a woman small, then there’s a significantly smaller chance that she might leave him.

If he’s able to rip apart self esteem, then she will become more reliant upon him and his approval of her. But when or if she does, then he will rip her apart for doing so. Low value men and low esteemed men are very good at tearing apart someone else’s confidence. They try to dominant any way they can – by insults covert or otherwise,  withholding, lying, hidden agendas, even physical assault.

Low-value men have/feel a need to dominate. People don’t listen to low-value men when they speak, Others sense their feeling of low-value. Low-value men constantly yearn for the attention of many women to bolster their frail overblown ego. They will try to use a high-value woman to bolster their low-self-esteem. They won’t stay for long in a relationship when it becomes real because they know, they will need to man-up. Their low-self-esteem knows that they don’t have that ability and if they stay too long, they will be seen for what and who they really are – low-value. So they exit by putting the woman down or blaming her and go onto another woman to impress temporarily in whichever way he uses to get temporary energy from her. Then he will soon exit or she will see who he really is and dump him. Then off he goes to another.  A low-value man will take all they can from the people around him, especially women, mostly through a false facade and manipulation.  A low-value person is driven by envy. A low-value person feels a high-value partner will make them look bad if he stays too long. Then he will need to deal with himself and his low-value and low self-esteem.
A relationship is only as good as the weaker partner. A high-value relationship thrives on both parties bolstering and nurturing each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
 Secure men don’t have the need to dominate, they treat their woman as an equal. Women are subservient to their husbands but that does not mean weak nor does it mean for the man to ‘dominate’. It means that he leads, protects and provides.  He holds her as high or higher, as he does himself. No smart woman will follow a weak man because he will lead them off a cliff to destruction and hell.
 The female energy wants to feel that she can relax into the arms of the male and be nurtured and protected… that she can relax in safety and by her being able to feel this, she can honor him with love, respect and all the gifts of her femininity. Her radiance will be able to shine. A low-esteemed man feels threatened by a woman’s full radiance and will try to diminish her glow instead of enjoying it and continuing to  flame it. He misses out on an exciting part of her femininity because of his low-value.
As example – the  ‘Shades of Grey’ character,  he was weak, ‘fractured’ so he had the need  to dominate over women physically and sexually and hurt them to feel that he is in ‘control’. Because when he was a small child and had no power or control, he had been abused. His boundaries had been violated which created in him a need to dominate, rule and control others.  When, what he really is, is lost and hurting and afraid to become vulnerable as he had felt like as  a little child. Because he had been so abused, he was too fearful and wounded to allow himself to become vulnerable and to love. He  became physically sadistic to protect his soft inner core,  for his protection and to survive. When he was able to heal, submit and become vulnerable to love is when he became emotionally strong and a real man.  Submitting is at times the strongest place a person can become and be. Surrender and allowing vulnerability is how you can heal and  become able to love. Only the strong are capable of love and vulnerability
People can help one another overcome their fears and weaknesses. But it takes the person themselves to grow past them or not. By not healing , they not only limit themselves but that of  those around them. They damage and destroy self and others.  Fears,  depression, negativity, addictions  etc. control their life and anyone close to them.  They keep repeating the same pattern over again trying to keep them self ‘safe’.
The Fruits of the Holy Spirit sum up nine attributes of the true Christian life.. “Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self Control.” No where does it say dominate others.
Young men, stunted men, fractured – forever little boys are the ones who can’t deal with emotions, so they try to dominate others to ‘feel’ that they are in control and strong – that they are ‘big’ boys. It’s only a facade because  what they really are is weak and insecure,  of low-value and low-self-esteem.
Strong men don’t dominate… they lead, protect and provide.

Hell on Earth…

 I met a Dr. who works for Planned Parenthood – I have never met or talked with anyone associated with this organization before. He is Ob-Gyn and cares for and delivers babies at a hospital and then also works for Planned Parenthood giving abortions. I talked to him without sharing my beliefs and opinion – at first. I asked him if he thought of an abortion as killing a child and he answered, “No, it’s just an operation. The women don’t want the child or they should not be having a baby in the first place.” He said that he performs abortions on girls as young as 15 and women who have many, many children and just don’t want another. He was matter of fact about it all with no care or emotion. Although he did state that in his opinion when the first two cells connect that there is life.  Then I commented that assisting to bring babies into the world must be joyful. His response, “No, it’s just a procedure. Many of these women should not be having kids. They can’t afford them. They can’t afford to care for themselves. They have no common sense. They just get pregnant, get an abortion or have the kid and can’t take care of it. If the woman tries to work child care is too costly. So they quit and stay home.”

So he assists with bringing life into the world on one hand and kills life with the other. And to him either way, it’s no big deal… just procedures.

I have worked as a volunteer in a charity capacity with young girls before. I know and understand how frustrating their ignorance, lack of common sense and no education or proper life guidance can be. One girl I worked with was 14 and all she wanted was to be like Angelina Jolie. This uneducated star-struck child wanted to have many children but did not want to be married. I asked her how she would support all of her children and she shrugged. She never thought about it. I told her that Jolie had a lot of money and was able to afford to give her children food, shelter and education even if she was not married. I asked this young girl if she could do that? And she shrugged. She had no concept of reality of what it took to care for children. She just wanted them. She was a child herself and no one had instructed her about life and reality. Her mother had been an unwed mother. She was carrying on the family legacy.

The ignorance, immorality, lack of common sense, lack of parenting, ‘hooking-up’, no real human interaction and connection, technology world we are living in is fast become Hell on earth. With sex as sport and no commitment, abortion with no concern, lack of responsibility, corrupted government. media propaganda and brainwashing. We are doomed.

I am disgusted with it all. I was reared so differently – to treasure life – that you get married, buy a house and then have a child – I was reared with God in my life. I went to Sunday school, church… I never thought about having children before I would be married. To do this would be shameful… What in the world is happening today?! Human life has no value. Morality has no value. Commitment has no value. Evil is taking over our world at rapid pace and at its basis is complete ignorance and irresponsibility – no respect or value for, or to human beings.. some people place more value on their pets than human beings, but dare you mention how many fat people there are now and ‘Oh my gosh!’ you hurt their poor ignorant, self -indulgent feelings’ – This is the world of ‘hook ups’ where sex means little to nothing. There is no commitment with sex and relationships – no commitment to one another –  so no commitment to the children they bring into this world. It’s the don’t judge me lifestyle of the young  and Godless.  Yep… HELL ON EARTH.

Corrupted media and entertainment industry…

The media is being used to encourage and foster psychopathic behavior in otherwise normal people. They are manipulating otherwise decent people to emulate psychopathic traits and to view these traits as the norm. The entertainment industry is filled with this message. Lady GaGa parades around in a dress made of animal flesh that sends out a message to millions of young impressionable minds that they are just a hunk of meat. This is not by accident. This is not ‘art.’ Look at the vileness of Miley Cyrus and her sexual degradation and exploitation. 

It’s become all about the money and power over others’ lives and reality… propaganda, perversion and brainwashing..

  Psychopathic individuals behind the scenes in music and entertainment are slowly altering  psychology in order to dehumanize, so that the day comes to replace freewill,  human spirit and your soul with a microchip, you’ll accept it, as you will have been conditioned to view your humanity as just soulless meat. And your sexuality contains no boundaries and as meaningless. Perversion and crossing sexual boundaries separates people from their humanity and their soul.

 Look at the fashion industry, pornography, etc. The aim of the trans-humanist movement is to remove consciousness from the Earth except for a ‘privileged’ few. That is if they even know what ‘consciousness’ is  as they seem  to be steeped in evil and Satanic vibes. Morality as in truth, honor, kindness, humanity is going out the window replaced by lies, propaganda, perversion and greed. People mean nothing. Greed and the false power wielded on earth are everything. Sinful behaviors are being promoted as good. While morality is looked down upon and laughed at.

A vital stage of their agenda is to create a bond between machines and humans. Technology distances you from your humanity. The people behind this agenda are evil. They want to take away choice, freedom, and Godliness and rule over Earth and all its inhabitants. 

I was in a hair salon recently and no one talked to anyone, even the stylist. Everyone was on their phone or computer. I sat there observing … it gave me a sick and eerie feeling in my gut. If you would ask the stylist a question, she would answer. But when you entered no one greeted anyone, no one smiled, there was no small talk. There was no human interaction. There was no happiness.  There was nothing. It was clear the stylist was not interested in her clients personally and was all about the money exchange coming to her. When it was time for the client to pay, the stylist gave attention. Watching her made me feel sick to my stomach… like I was watching manipulative evil extortion in action. The decor was stark white and minimal – attractive but cold.  It was bizarre and felt like being on another planet and not earth.

“To achieve world government, it is necessary to remove from the minds of men their individualism, loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism, and religious dogmas.”Brock Adams – director of UN Health Organization.

Responsibility…

Definition of responsibility – the quality or state of being responsible: such as moral, legal or mental accountability reliabilitytrustworthiness:  something for which one is responsible. To be responsible is to respond, to honor, to be trustworthy – to live to a higher standard.

 Responsibility is an important key to living a moral, happy, content and peaceful life – to be responsible makes for a productive and fulfilling life. When there is awareness then it’s time for responsibility which includes accountability to understand and to either accept, change or break against. Otherwise, you will be stuck and blocked in blame, denial and defensiveness which lead to more of the same. Everyone has issues and trauma in their lives in some form and to continue to use them as an excuse for lack of responsibility and accountability is immaturity. When you know why you behave in a way or think as you do that creates stress and pain in yourself and others and you don’t change it – that is being irresponsible.          

Those without responsibility to self and to others live a lost life. All of us are accountable and there are consequences in life for lack of responsibility and accountability. If you don’t pay your car payment, it will be repossessed. If you don’t pay your utility bills, they will be turned off. If a man is not responsible to and for his wife and her to him – best if done in equal parts – the marriage will fail.

I was overly responsible in my marriages and it lead to destruction. When one person shoulders all the responsibility in a partnership or relationship – the burden becomes too much – balance is impaired and weakness seeps in. Sure at times, one may need to shoulder more responsibly because of circumstances. If you aren’t responsible to your children, family and live a responsible life – it will all fall apart – they will leave – become unruly with a sense of lack, direction and ultimately failure.

Everything worthwhile and of value in life comes from commitment and responsibility to that commitment. And that includes healing of your emotional self. Fears and limits set by imprints and beliefs are often illusions. It’s your responsibility to self to shift in order to live your highest life.

The Haircut…

When I was eleven…

 I want to have a new grown up hairstyle.  I’ve had a ponytail for such a long time.  I’ve been looking through magazines, studying the pictures and see most of the girls have shorter hair.

          I want to have a cute, short, stylish hairstyle, too.  All the girls in the magazines have short, straight hair.  The length of their hair is just below their chin.  My hair is below my shoulders, thick and wavy and it gets in my way.  So I wear it in a ponytail most all the time.  I feel like a baby.

          Many of the girls at school are getting their hair cut short.  So I ask my mom if I can get my hair cut short, too.  She asks, “Are you certain you want to get your ponytail cut off?”  “Yes, I am sure!” I answer.  She makes an appointment with the stylist who does her hair. The appointment is on Friday afternoon just before a birthday party at a friend’s house.  My hair is going to be new, a surprise for the party.

          I get my hair cut just like in the picture that I show the hair dresser.  It looks real cute.  I love it!  The hair dresser blows my hair dry with a blow dryer.  My hair is straight, full, and beautiful.  I look real old – like a teenager!  I barely recognize myself. I’m  excited to go to the party and to show off my new hair style.  The party is fun and everyone loves my hair.  I feel so grown-up and sophisticated.

The next day when I wake up, my hair looks kind of wild. I’m use to sleeping with my hair in a ponytail.  In fact, my hair was always in a ponytail.  I go outside to play.  I’m doing my usual Saturday stuff – running all over out-of-doors playing with my friend, Jane. We go inside her house and I go into the bathroom.  I take a look at my hair to admire my new, grown up, sophisticated self. 

Oh my goodness!  My hair is standing out all over the place.  It’s frizzy and awful. I look terrible!  I look like a wild woman!  It’s real humid outside and I have the kind of hair that gets frizzy in rainy weather.  What am I going to do?  Jane comes in and we try to do something with my hair but it’s too short to put it in a ponytail.  Jane still has her ponytail.  I wished I still had mine.  I don’t like this new hair cut.  It’s too much trouble to take care of.  I don’t know how to fix it right.  Jane says that she liked my ponytail better, too.

          Then, Jane’s older sister and mother come home.  When they see me, they ask, “What did you do to your hair?” I reply, “I got it cut.” Trying to hold my chin up, I say, “It’s the newest style.”  They say they liked my ponytail better.

          Quickly, I tell Jane that I have to go home.  I run across the street barely holding back the tears.  I run into the house and run into my bathroom to try to do something with this awful hair.  I’m crying and  call out for my mother.  She comes in to try and help me, but no one can do anything with this hair.  I’m stuck with this awful frizzy hair until it grows out and I can put it into a ponytail again.  Mother says you will get use to fixing your new hair style.  It will just take practice.  Nothing she says can help.

          Something comes over me. I’m overwhelmed by the realization of what I have done.  I was trying to be so grown up and sophisticated.  Instead, I look like a wild woman.  I’m crying real hard.  I go out to the family room where my mother is sitting on the sofa.  I’m crying so hard. I don’t remember ever crying this hard since I was a baby. 

          I’m crying and saying “Mother, I’m so ugly now.  I will never be pretty again. I wrecked myself!”  I’m crying uncontrollably.  Mother takes me in her lap.  I’m crying so hard, the hardest, I ever remember crying.  I’m saying over and over how ugly that I think I am because of my haircut.  My mother is holding me and saying that it will grow, not to worry and to stop crying. That it will be alright.  I’m sitting on my mother’s lap as if I am a baby. Straddling her lap and leaning into her body.  It feels so good to be sitting on my mother’s lap and having her hold me close.  She smells so good, a fresh clean smell like flowers, only not. I relax and let my body go limp as she holds me.  I sense that this will be the last time my mother holds me like this because I’m too old for my mother to hold me like a baby.

          Then I snap out of it and realize as I come back to my senses. I’m not a baby, so why am I sitting in my mother’s lap crying?  I push away but my mother pulls me close to her again, as she says, “Don’t pull away. I haven’t held you like this in so long. It feels so good to hold you.  I don’t get to hold you anymore, since you have become such a big girl.”  I stay there a minute more feeling the closeness and comfort of my mother as her smell permeates my being. Then I pull back and away and get up because I feel embarrassed.  Embarrassed by the closeness, by the feelings and embarrassed by thinking, I’m too old to be sitting in my mother’s lap.

After crying so hard though, I feel a lot better. My hair will grow and until it does I can figure out something to do with it.  I will think long and hard before I take another picture into a beauty shop again and say give me this hairstyle. Actually, I don’t think I have ever done so again.

I recall how good it felt to hold my mother and to be in her arms sitting in her lap.  It was the last time that she ever did hold me like that in full childhood abandonment of joining as one with my mother.  I remember that feeling always. The imprint is on my heart.  I wonder if my mother remembers.

My awareness is I wonder why as we get older, it is sometimes so difficult to be close to our parents?  I wonder why as a child, I believed I was a ‘baby’ if I sought comfort from my mother? Where did this belief in me come from? Where does this belief come from in our society? But as we grow up, it’s emotionally healthy to separate from our mothers to become autonomous with the ability to self-comfort.  Those who don’t separate from their mothers lose who they are and can stay as weak, needy children for their whole lives.

Many, many years later, one evening, my mother had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. I was an adult, living in another state. Daddy called and told me that her stroke was so bad that it was futile to operate. They were letting God take care of her. I made airline arrangements to go see my mother the next day.

Early in the morning while I was sleeping, around three or so, I had a dream-like memory of my mother holding me like on that day when I was eleven distraught about my haircut and thinking I was ruined and ugly. I felt her arms around me and the warmth and love coming from her was magnificent, much stronger than it had even been on that day.  Tears ran down my face as I felt my mother’s love and felt her so very close to me.

The next morning early, Daddy called crying  to tell me mother had died about three that morning.

In the months thereafter, oftentimes, when I would get up in the middle of the night, say to use the restroom, or if I would just awaken, I would smell the fresh fragrance of my mother.  This occurrence stayed with me for several years, in the most unexpected times, but usually at night, late when I was quiet and to myself. And in places, where there were no smells. I wear no perfumes and can’t stand artificial odors so that fragrance came from nowhere in the places where I lived.

  In times of stress,  loneliness or unhappiness, and at times before I go to sleep, I  pull to me the feelings and memory of being in my mother’s lap and her holding me close to her heart.

A story from my book. Look for it to be out this July.

 

Defense and Denial – excerpt from my soon available book…

Defensive and Denial

 Defensive and denial are partners in the deepest blocks towards awareness and healing. Becoming defensive or flipping into denial can be a sign that something, someone or some words have triggered an imprint that you are trying to avoid. Defensive and denial are activated because of fear to feel the pain, to feel wrong and to avoid reality and truth. Living in denial is living in a fog.

Some people will do any and everything possible to avoid self-refection. They must believe – ‘think’ that they are ‘right’ and everyone else is wrong. They feel – ‘think’ that they must do this in order to survive. They feel as if they might be destroyed and even die if they don’t. Actually sometimes, you need to die unto yourself, tear down, break down and take apart something in order to rebuild it on a stronger and better foundation. But the fear of death of the ‘current and in place belief system’, no matter how distorted it might be, can create such fear that defense and denial become life lines. Actually defense and denial are angels of death creating blocks and leading to destruction.

If you flip into denial and become defensive along with being angry about a situation or something said or done, it reveals that you have been deeply triggered. You are trying to make them wrong. So you can feel ‘right’ and ‘safe’ in your current beliefs according to your imprints about self, others and your issues.

Break through the knee jerk reaction of denial and defense mechanisms to be able to look hard and long as to why you react in this manner. Incorporate intense self-refection. Look at yourself instead of trying to point the finger outside self or at another. Pointing the finger outside yourself and at another is deflecting and projecting – a sure sign that someone or some situation has hit upon your vulnerabilities. Looking with honesty at coping mechanisms that you use to deflect discomfort is the biggest challenge to awareness and healing. The deepest work is healing our personal wounds – our core wounds. And to do this you must be open to looking at self honestly in deep self-reflection.

Many times becoming defensive and in denial is insecurity hiding behind a big ego. It’s a kind of self-willed blindness. You wouldn’t have been triggered, if it hadn’t touched something that you were trying to avoid or hide. So why do you have such fear of being ‘judged’?

Defense and denial mechanisms can be difficult to break through, because their whole purpose in being kept alive is to defend imprints and the belief system, in order to stay out of pain and to feel ‘safe’. They come into play to avoid looking at self and to avoid change. Therefore they will fight hard and long to stay alive. The defended self can be a hard nut to crack. Some people reacting defensively and in denial do so with such intensity that it’s as if their very life is being threatened and to them, it does feel this way. The fear that their defended belief system might not be accurate throws them into a tailspin and the feeling that they are fighting for their life. So they will accuse the other side to that which they are guilty. They will project.

 PROJECTION – is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities – both positive and negative – by denying their existence in themselves and attributing them to others.

Realize that people will not only project their bad traits onto others, but also their good. When a person projects their good traits onto someone – they for example may see someone has having a kind heart which is theirs. When in reality the person on whom they are projecting has a cold manipulative heart with devious motives. Therefore projecting can be harmful whether it’s done with either negative or positive attributes.

Projection can be an obvious manipulation tactic and is also used to control, along with shaming and blaming others into shutting up allowing for continuance to keep on doing as they wish. Therefore, the clearer you see yourself in awareness and knowledge in relation to others is the best and safest you can be in this regard.

 Concerning defensiveness, awareness will need to be done layer by layer. Because feelings of defensiveness can trigger intense denial, anger and the feeling that you want to reject the person, words, experience or situation. You may actually do this by cutting them out of your life. As you point the finger at them away from self either in deflection or projection as you try to shame and blame. Because they are too close to revealing the truth. That will break open or shatter your image of self. That which you believe you must hold onto in order to make you ‘feel’ and ‘appear’ what you ‘think’ is ‘safe’. Something is shaking up your status quo and your mechanisms of defense don’t like it and will fight like hell to stop being exposed and to not feel the emotional pain. The defended belief system is a major block that keeps truth and subsequently peace, love and joy away.

Dig really deep to become aware of why you are defensive; look at yourself honestly, don’t be afraid to feel the pain. Pain is part of living. If and when you allow yourself to get into the feelings and the imprint that is being triggered, you will be able to more easily see why you became defensive and then release it. Why are you afraid of being judged? Why does it bother you so intensely? It wouldn’t bother you if you felt and were secure in self.

Understand that being defensive is usually because you are not feeling good enough, feeling flawed, unworthy or uncertain and someone has gotten dangerously close to revealing it. So you try to do everything in your power to defend self. But what you are actually doing is defending your right to stay stuck, blocked and cut off from self growth, truth and ultimately healing and happiness. The longer you stay in denial and defense, the longer you will stay blocked. The quicker you break through denial and defense, the faster you will feel free.

It takes bravery to break through defenses. This is why it’s so prevalent in our world today and why so many make statements such as: ‘Don’t judge me. You have no right to ‘judge’ me. Who are you to ‘judge’ me?’ Comments such as these are defense mechanisms on over drive and come from persons not integrated and at acceptance of self. People who react in this manner are living in insecurity, intellectual denial and emotional pain. Their defensiveness concerning the fear of being judged by others clearly reveals this. They may as well be screaming, ‘I am insecure, am weak, feel unworthy, am really not sure of what I believe or what I am saying or doing. So don’t put it in my face because I am too weak and frightened to look at it or myself.’ They will then deflect or project trying to point the finger outside of their self by shaming and blaming those who have triggered their deep seated issues and insecurity.

Blaming is actually a form of giving your power away. When you blame, it is saying or admitting ‘they’ have power over you concerning the way you react, feel and behave. Therefore, you are admitting that someone else is so powerful as to control your feelings, mood and even your very being. So how weak does that show you as being?

Some people will even defend the indefensible as in someone may commit an actual crime and their mother may say, “Oh, it was just his circumstances. He hung out with the wrong crowd.” 

Avoidance is another piece of defense and denial – as in avoiding whatever is brought up avoid the pain. You deny, block, bury, ignore or turn away from all warnings and signals. You avoid doing activities, being around people or expressing yourself because you fear that you will experience pain as recalled from past experiences.

 Avoidant personality disorder – Those affected display a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and inferiorityextreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction despite a strong desire to be close to others. Individuals with the disorder tend to describe themselves as uneasy, anxious, lonely, unwanted and isolated from others.

 Avoidance coping creates stress and anxiety and ravages self-confidence. It is a major factor that differentiates people who have common psychological problems – depression – anxiety and/or eating disorders vs. those who don’t. Simplistic example: You realize that you have gained some weight. Instead of addressing it and looking at your body naked in a full length mirror, you avoid mirrors and wear larger clothing to cover up and continue over-eating. When you realize you have gained even more weight, you become overwhelmed and depressed. You feel like you look bad, whether you actually do or not. It’s your perception and you feel hate for yourself – your body – your clothing and that hate of self bleeds out what you do and onto everyone you come into contact with, in some form or another. You avoid going to the gym until you lose weigh because you have a fear of being judged and humiliated. You avoid doing your usual activities and being around your friends. It’s about what you fear that leads to what you avoid rather than what is actual. Avoidance coping causes anxiety to snowball because when people use avoidance coping they typically end up experiencing more of the very thing they were trying to escape.

You are overly focused that the outcome of interactions and experiences will be negative. You are self-conscious, have fear of being judged and think everyone is seeing you as badly as you perceive yourself. Most people probably will not notice or care that you gained a few pounds. Most people are more concerned with self than someone else. This is an obvious example of ‘avoidance’ on a physical level. Avoidant personalities – blow things up in their minds thinking and worrying that if, in some context and time frame, they had a bad experience that they always will. They idealize relationships then devalue them, avoid making decisions and avoid life’s experiences in general.

 Reality is that everyone is judging everyone else in each day and every moment. We all make judgments. Judgments from others will not trigger you and you will not become defensive, if you are at awareness, acceptance and understanding of self. It will just cause you to self-reflect and self-reflection is how you grow into awareness. So being triggered can be a good thing, if looked at and used with awareness. What matters is how you look at yourself. It’s fine to be different and individual. It’s your insecurity about self that triggers defensiveness, denial, vulnerabilities and fear of being judged. Feeling the pain in self-reflection and awareness is the beginning to healing. Feel the pain and release it, so you can feel the joy!

Stop watering the weeds in your life and start watering the flowers.