Category Archives: Self-help

The Insecure Woman….

    by Ann
          
… is not good for her friends, her husband, her children, or herself… and I am not
talking about that occasional insecurity that we all feel at certain times.

I am talking about the blatantly insecure woman. She comes in many forms, but some of the ways to spot her are… her lack of insight towards self and others. Her insecurity makes most everything all about her… either she is a victim, or she is the one victimizing…
But  no matter what occurs, she will view herself as a victim most all the time.

Her insecurity makes her emotions unstable…ups and downs are the norm, but she will probably deny it if you confront her about it. Deny, deny is part of her game.
She is quick to anger and holds grudges. And she may be bossy in her attempt to cover-up her insecurity.

Because she is jealous of her friends, she is catty, many times sarcastic, gossips and is usually talking behind others’ backs. She doesn’t have the confidence or security to say it to the person’s face. So she back bites, while she might be smiling innocently and sweetly when she is around the people that she is scandalizing.

She is usually the one complaining about others. That ‘they’ didn’t notice ‘her’. That she is not being treated correctly. That they are ‘mean’ and she is sooo nice. Well, she isn’t nice… she is an insecure disease. 

It’s usually someone else’s fault, instead of hers, when things fall apart, or go wrong. Blaming others is one of her activities. 

She doesn’t enjoy being alone. So, she may wrap herself in a group of less accomplished, or less attractive friends, whom she arranges just so, so that she recieves their praise. Her friends feel lacking in the friendship, but don’t quite comprehend why.  They may even be tied together by their ‘in common’ insecurity.

Insecure women don’t like secure women. And will try to bring the secure woman down to their level. If they can’t, they will try to alienate or attack her her in some manner. The attack will be covert because these women can’t do things overtly. Many times, an insecure woman is sneaky, plotting and planning in her mind and actions about how to make sure she ‘gets’ others, or to make certain that she is continually ‘praised’ in some manner or form.

The insecure woman either blames her life on her children, hides behind them, or promotes and pushes them to live out the dreams that she is, or was too insecure to pursue herself.  Or she may sabatoge them out of her innate insecurity. She does similar things with her husband. She is proud of him, but doesn’t like his success or happiness, while at the same time, she will brag about his accomplishments as if they were her own. She must identify with someone and live through them or she feels even more insecure.

She may stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship way too long because she is too insecure to get out of it and make it on her own.

She is the one that is glued to shows like the ‘reality housewives’. She may even find her complete identity in public personas. She dreams of being a sought after ‘star’ herself.

Husbands and children feel lacking, but don’t understand exactly why? They also feel stressed and drained because the insecure woman sucks their energy without them even being aware.

She can’t take constructive criticism. She looks at it as insulting. She is too insecure to work on herself. She can’t see who she is because she is too insecure in herself to see herself. She needs to feel ‘right’, on top of things, and will rarely admit that she is wrong.

She doesn’t give compliments easily, but she must have them for herself. She isn’t truly generous or caring, unless she can brag about it to others.

She can dish it out, but she can’t take it. She runs from confrontation. (drives off in her pink Barbie car)

Many times, she uses her sexuality for attention and to ‘get’ men. Her over focus on sexuality is a cover-up for her feelings of unworthiness. She may be addicted to liguor, the must have a glass of wine while cooking. Concerning working out, she must be thin and trim or she gets depressed. She is obsessive about her appearance, her weight and clothing and little is done for fun, while she is always looking to have fun!

She must stay distracted from herself. Given too long to think and she will become depressed and may turn to alcohol, drugs, shopping, or sex to lift herself up.
 
She may at times, even act arrogantly or boastful, as this is part of her cover. But she isn’t secure enough to talk and to confront to resolve any conflict.

She is easily offended, overly sensitive and fragile. She takes things incorrectly as to intent and misunderstands conversation and intentions. (think Camille Grammer on the Beverly Hills Housewives. I watched that show in total about 30 minutes and Camille’s behavior was obviously that of blatant insecurity.) 

If you remark to her, “Don’t be insecure?” She will anger up and slam back, “I am not insecure!” She might even say… “It’s you who’s insecure, not me!”
Projection is her best friend because she can’t and won’t look at herself honestly.
  
You see, an insecure person needs to think of themselves as secure. And this is one key sign of deep insecurity.

She may be beautiful, accomplished and appear to have it all, but something innately deep inside herself makes her feel insecure. She lives a distortion.

A secure person can admit when they feel insecure and will usually readily cop to it and examine it when called out, because they are secure enough to see self clearly in most aspects. Nothing is wrong with feeling insecure at times, we all do… it is part of being human.

And when you have two insecure people in a marriage… oh my gosh! The Insecure Man


Do you have insecure people and friends in your life and how does this affect you and manifest in your relationship with them?

Signs that you are dating a sociopath…

by Donna Andersen

We all want to be loved, don’t we?

Well, no. There are people in the world who don’t care about love. They don’t even know what love is. But they do care about power, control and sex.

These people are called sociopaths. The media would have us believe that a sociopath is a deranged serial killer. This isn’t true. Sociopaths know exactly what they are doing, and most of them never kill anyone. But they are social predators, who exploit just about everyone they meet. They have no heart, no conscience and no remorse.

To meet them, however, you’d never know it. They’re fun. Charming. The life of the party. They sweep us off our feet. They specialize in the whirlwind romance. Unfortunately, sooner or later, the whirlwind turns on us.

You’d think that by a certain age, we’ve already seen everything and met every type of person. But it’s possible that we’ve never before been targeted by a sociopath. If we find ourselves widowed or divorced after a long marriage, however, it could happen. All of a sudden, after many years as half of a couple, we’re on our own—perhaps with a home, a business, an inheritance, and a big, fat retirement account.

We are ripe to be plucked. And believe me, because of my website, Lovefraud.com, (http://www.lovefraud.com/ ) I’ve heard some truly heartbreaking stories of newly single women who have given all their assets to beaus who appeared out of nowhere. I’ve been contacted by the adult children of these women, who are positive that the guy is a con artist, but Mom is in love and won’t listen.

We’re especially vulnerable if we’ve had a good marriage. We naturally assume that the next man we meet will be as considerate and reliable as our husband was. It could be a very dangerous assumption.

If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He might be a sociopath with a hidden agenda—taking you for all you’re worth.

1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.

2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.

3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.

4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.

5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.

6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.

7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.

8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.

9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.

10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.

Donna Andersen is the author of Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. (http://lovefraud.com/book/index.php/b/ ) She is also the author of Lovefraud.com, a website that teaches people how to recognize and recover from sociopaths. (http://www.lovefraud.com/)

What makes an opinion worth something?

What makes yours or anyone’s opinion worth something if anything? Is it experience, character, conviction, or just media creation?

Why do you listen to people and to whom do you listen to and why?

Think about this… what makes Oprah’s opinion worth something, if anything? She went to Rev. Wright’s church of hate America, yet she makes millions off the American public… isn’t that a bit suspicious??  She gives away products to promote companies, yet takes most of the credit herself. Isn’t that a bit suspicious? So, who in their ‘right’ mind would listen to her agenda-filled opinion??? 

What makes the loud, sickening women ( I guess you can tell my opinion about this show) on ‘The View’s’ opinions worth listening to? What makes Jesse Jackson’s opinion worth anything? How about Howard Stern, Barbara Walter’s, Bill Clinton, Ashton Kutcher, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly or anyone else’s. Why listen to any of them? Why do you listen to them?  Is it worth anything really? How do you decide?

Why is some movie star worth listening to concerning anything? Just because someone can sing, and you enjoy their music, is their opinion worth anything to you? If someone can act, does that make them have worthwhile opinions and if so, why?

Why do you listen to some ‘politician’s’ opinion? Is it how he lives his life, his character, or is it just that he knows how to make you listen to his opinion by his delivery learned by Hollywood guidance and practice at persuasion. Is it just the media hype?  Is that why you listen? Is it because their opinion is rammed down your throat continually on TV or radio?

Obama has stated repeatedly, “Repeat it often enough and they will get it.”
He is a ‘community organizer’ and that’s what they do, ‘persuade for agenda’.

Obama’s spiritual advisor for 23 years was the hate America, Rev. Wright. Gadhafi is tied to Rev. Wright. So who exactly is this man leading America and whose opinions are making decisions for our country?

Why would someone like Obama be someone that anyone would listen to, especially in America?

What makes some network’s opinion worth listening to? What makes some radio show’s opinion worth listening to?

What is your opinion worth? What is anyone’s opinion worth?
We all have opinions, but what in your opinion makes some worth listening to and other’s not?

Why do we have all these opinions flying around the airwaves?

Might I suggest that you look at where and from whom the opinion is coming from and be discerning about whom you listen to and why…

It’s my opinion that character, experience and agenda count. If I catch someone in a lie, their opinion becomes worthless. Obama’s continual blatant and obvious lies make him and his opinion worthless. It’s actually humourous watching him, were he not so dangerous. The way that Obama lies and circle talks makes his opinion worth nothing.

Clinton is a blatant liar, also. He was caught red-handed and this con lies right in America’s face. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” And besides, he’s a whoremonger and lies to his wife. So, how could his opinion ever matter? You think he’s not lying to you to get you to follow his agenda?

Listen to my opinion or not. It’s up to you. Your own opinion should be the most important. 

Whose opinion is worth something to you and why? Ever really thought about it?

The essence of a con…

by Ann

Men and women who seduce and con successfully know that they must disrupt your sense of stability, and so they try to make you starstruck with something about themselves concerning what they have to offer. Your insecurity allows them to move in according to their plan.

They see your holes, and they strive to make you ‘think’ that they can fill them.

Sooo.. the key to avoiding the seduction of a con is to know yourself and to listen to your instincts. Know your weaknesses, know what, and where your holes are.

Now, we have all been harmed, hurt, and betrayed on some level in our lives. It’s just part of the human experience and we all have holes… in varying degrees. It’s a life long journey to close our soul’s holes and along the way are many ups and downs.. and some of our worst experiences can be the ones that enable us to heal the most, in order, that we can become more whole.

Allow hurts to heal you, and make you aware of who you are, and if you can be honest deep into your very soul to the essense of what makes up ‘you’…so, you will be able to see how the seduction of the con lured you in.

Examine who you are in the situation and try to be brutally honest with yourself. Sure, you may have been conned, but look to see why they picked you, why you were susceptible, and how it all happened.

It seems that there are more and more cons these days and more varying ways to con going on in our world.

Listen to your gut instincts…Know thyself and to thine own self be true. Integrity, honesty, truth and respect are what any real human interaction is based on and any relationship must have, in order, to endure and most certainly a relationship that includes love. Be aware of this always…

But integrity, honesty, truth and respect begin with self. When you feel and apply these things to yourself, you will be more able to realize when someone isn’t treating you in this manner. And you will either move away from the person, or situation, or communicate your thoughts and feelings. And when you do communicate, if you feel unsatisfied with the interaction… honor how you feel.  HONOR YOURSELF!

If you don’t honor yourself, few others will. Doubt yourself and the con, instinctively knows it, and they move in because they know that they have you and that you are an easy mark.

What do these statements mean to you?  Remember the recent post..”Sometimes when you lose, you win.” Sometimes, when you win you lose.” 

Think about it.. it will make sense!

Maturity.. what is it and how does one attain it?

by Ann

Is maturity is the sum of all your experiences and how you process them?

But, I have met older persons with seemingly many life experiences that are so immature that it is scary.

Then I have met younger persons that act and appear mature on most levels…

So, what is it exactly that allows, creates, develops ‘maturity’?

One definition of maturity is:  The state or quality of being mature; ripeness; full development; as, the maturity of corn or of grass; maturity of judgment; the maturity of a plan.

Another definition is: adulthood: the period of time in your life after your physical growth has stopped and you are fully developed.
 
According to these definitions, seems maturity is reached by physical adulthood. But how about maturity in emotions, feelings, actions, behaviors and intellect? Isn’t all that pretty much an on going effort?

Then a person can be seemingly mature in most levels of their life and at old age revert back to an immaturity that is almost insanity.. as in sex, and lifestyle to even the extent of whining like a baby.

To be able to process experiences in life, one needs to have the intellect and emotional honesty and innate integrity to look at self and evaluate. Without this, how can maturity occur at all? So where does this ability come from? And why are some so lacking in this ability? As some have it, others don’t and seemingly never will as they step into the same traps, mistakes, irresponsilbity, and blunders all their lives and can’t see why, or change or ‘mature’ past it.

Someone can maturely handle their job and finances and be an immature dweeb in emotions and feelings.

So, what is a mature individual? Are we all just a work in progress until we die, or until we revert back to being childlike…?

Ummmm….interesting, huh?

What does maturity look like to you?  How is maturity manifested in one’s life?

Share Love, Gratitude and Compassion…

Ways to spread abundance that will brighten your day – and someone else’s!

Write a Thank You (for Being You) Note!

It may be old fashioned in these days of e-mails, texts and facebook wallposts, but sometimes the best things stem from tradition. Take this opportunity to let someone know that you appreciate them – not for something they’ve given you or done, but for who they are and what they bring to your life.


Shake Things Up 

Even if you hate it, and it doesn’t go with the rest of the meal at all, make your loved one’s favorite dish part of your Holiday celebrations. Barbecue? Chinese dumplings? Whatever? The fact that it’s not standard holiday fare makes it even more meaningful as an expression of love. The gesture won’t go unnoticed.

Donate Something

Whether it’s your time, a few bucks, or your favorite holiday snack, give something to your local homeless shelter. You’ll be surprised how good it feels.

Offer to Babysit

Have friends or family members who don’t get out much. Offer to babysit so that they can have a second to themselves. It’s a great big thank you for which they’ll be extremely grateful!

Mentor Someone

It doesn’t have to be more than a coffee, but if you’re in a position that someone else might like to learn about, give them a little insight into your experiences. This doesn’t have to be professional, it can be life based (like Big Brothers and Big Sisters). Offering guidance to someone who needs it, is a great way to pass on some positive energy.

Smile at Strangers

So what if a few people think you’re strange? Most people love being smiled at – it’s a reflection of happiness and who couldn’t use a little more of that?

Dedicate a Yoga or Meditation Session

Some people offer up prayers, and it’s great if you do that, too. But the next time you’re meditating or in a yoga class, focus on sending someone you care about (whether you know them or not) a little white light. Afterward, don’t be surprised if they get in touch because they’ve been thinking of you.

Release All Ill Will

There’s no point holding grudges, and what better holiday is there for releasing yours in celebration of all that is great in your life? Let go of any bad feelings you have toward anyone. Whether that means you forgive them and forget them or you forgive them and reach out is up to you.

Make Amends

Now is a great time to let bygones be just that. If you feel you owe someone an apology, give it now. Even if it’s just in e-mail, the signals it sends (to the person and to the forces at work) open you up for progress.

Set Aside Time For Yourself
It may sound crazy as a way to spread goodwill and gratitude, but above all other things, if you appreciate yourself and the importance of maintaining a sense of balance. Doing so, you’ll offer others inspiration and may even help them permit themselves to do the same. And what can be better for the world than that?

Confidence or arrogance, virtue or vice…

Arrogance should never be confused with having an innate sense of self-respect and healthy confidence. Initially, these character traits may come across as similar, but if you look more closely, you will readily perceive how differently they manifest themselves in real life. With a little effort and insight, you can avoid the mistake of misidentifying a sense of self-importance and superiority with the real deal: a truly confident person with an inherent sense of peace, an openness to others’ thoughts and lifestyles, and with nothing to prove to anyone else. Let’s look at a few major differences between leading a self-assured life and a self-inflated existence.

Arrogance can often come from self-misconception and false perception, an inflated ego that tells the person they are better than all others around them. How a person views themselves is often contrary to how the rest of the world views them. Even if arrogant people truly have more talent than others in a given field, the idea that they are superior to others because of this talent still represents a skewed perception of themselves. After all, no one is perfect, everyone has faults, and there’s always someone out there better than you at your talent.

Arrogance is often an attempt by someone with low self-esteem to gain praise from others through false confidence. Through seeking praise from the outside world, they hope to gain a feeling of worth that they may not otherwise feel in themselves. Conversely, people with confidence are comfortable with their accomplishments remaining under wraps, and have no compelling need to consistently brag about their achievements.

Another aspect of arrogance is that it does not lead to loyal relationships, as arrogant individuals seem to only attract those who are looking to use them for the very things they brag about. Then, too, they might attract others with equally inflated egos, where their main connection is boasting of their accomplishments together and making others feel inferior to themselves. These types of negative relationships do not weather the harder times in your life, when things get difficult or problems arise. When the going gets tough, these fair-weather friends will be nowhere to be found.

Confident people, on the other hand, don’t need to belittle or put down others with less success in their lives, in order, to feel better about themselves or their accomplishments, as arrogant people often do.

Confidence has humility embodied within it, an inner strength that does not diminish others, but lifts them up with the unperceivable shining of their light – a sort of charisma resulting from a surety in who they are as human beings. Arrogance, on the other hand, has a person claiming, even demanding their proper respect and “adoration” from those beneath them, who they perceive to be cut from lesser cloth.

Confident people tend to be more aware and accepting of those times when they aren’t always in the right. They can live with the idea that no one is perfect and don’t feel unduly threatened when confronted with their mistakes or limitations. In contrast, arrogant people tend to think only their vision is correct, unlike confident people who are able to see other points of view, and if necessary, adjust accordingly.

People with confidence are not upset when challenged by others, whether the debate is regarding ideas, abilities, or opinions. Confident people are open and accepting of different viewpoints, while arrogant people often do not allow much room for debate, insisting instead that their thoughts and beliefs are the only ones that count.

Clearly, confidence and arrogance are on opposite ends of the character spectrum with one emerging as a virtue and the other, a most unpleasant vice.

Single, or in a relationship LIVE! Create new experiences!

Ideas!
 
If you find yourself constantly aware of wanting to be alone and hibernate, to play the hermit, to sit home alone and feel sorry for yourself, you are pushing yourself down into a depression, illness, or worse. Be proactive, and you can make it through the holidays without the darkness claiming your happiness! Choosing to dwell on the more depressing aspects of your life can be dangerous.

I won’t be a cheerleader here, because I’ve been there, and I know how the pep talks can irritate when you feel like “hiding.” If you’ll hear me out, think about making the following choices during the holidays. Everywhere you look, they’re “selling” family and relationships on TV, in movies, on the radio… how can you avoid feeling lonely?

 
Don’t automatically say no. When friends ask you out, or over, or to a party, don’t say no immediately, and do not melodramatically claim that they are “only” doing it because they feel “sorry” for you. No matter what, why, or how, this is an opportunity to enjoy the company of others, to find something funny and laugh, or to meet new people, or find new interests. If you stop that knee jerk reaction of “No, I just want to go home and be alone” and say, “Thank you, I’ll come for a while,” you may end up having fun.
 
Stay away from “downers” – sad movies, morose “he dun me wrong” music, people that are negative. If your family of origin is a downer… plan a trip to see friends or loved ones that you enjoy over the holidays instead! Or do something fun and invite a friend.
 
If it winds up that you happen to spend one of those “family days” when you are “feeling” alone, you can plan a special dinner and movie for yourself, dress up, make YOUR favorite food or just have dessert! To fill time, you can make calls to others that you haven’t talked to in a while just to wish them “happy holidays,” and if all else fails, you can volunteer somewhere. Helping others is an amazing way to get your mind off your woes!
 
In fact, that is one suggestion that I absolutely think is great. If you get to a place where you’re spending all your free time depressed, or feeling sad about your situation, you can use my trick. If I’m too much in my own head and life, too self centered, I go and volunteer. There are hundreds of groups, programs, homes and hospitals that can always use some help… and that, my friends, will bring you back to the world of living, and help you move your life forward again!

Are you more than, less than, or…?

by Ann

egual to?

Do you feel like you are more than others, better than others? Do you feel arrogant, bloated in your self-esteem and full of yourself?

Do you stay in this place most of the time except… for when you sink low and feel much less than others, feel like nothing, insignificant and not as good as others? 

When there are extremes in these levels in an individual and I am not talking as extreme as in mental, or emotional illness here. Although, that can and does play a part, then your internal core is not balanced.

And this can lead to difficulties in every area of your life…

Sure! We all have our bad days, where we feel not so good, fat, stupid, insignificant to others and the world. Our hair looks yucky, etc…. we just have a bad day.. Then other days, we feel on top of the world, we look good, feel good, can do no wrong, are smart and on target with it all.

But anyone with extreme flips in either direction is not balanced in themselves and hasn’t made peace with their self-worth in relation to self and to others. They don’t feel equal to others, instead, they feel more than, or less than. And in their efforts to feel equal, they can do much damage to themselves and to others.

Those that go from arrogance to the pits of depression are out of balance. These are people that when feeling their arrogance, put others down to make themselves feel even better and take advantage of others. They don’t think that ‘others’ are as important as they are … so it matters not to them what they do to others. When actually, they are projecting their own negative self-worth out into the world as they suck energy off of others because theirs is a false arrogance that depends on others for approval. 

They feel less than so they belittle others, but are sensitive to criticism themselves. They can dish it out, but can’t take it themselves. And may even lash out emotionally and inappropriately when they are criticized because they can’t stand that they may not be all that they think that they are in their ‘insecure-arrogant mind’.

When they meet a ‘genuinely’ confident person… they will ‘try’ to overwhelm them, or put them down, or take them down to their size.. because ‘they’ don’t ‘get’ that confidence and arrogance are not the same things.  Genuine confidence threatens them to their empty core.

On the flip side, a person that doesn’t feel, or think that they are as good as others may let others take advantage of them and even let others walk all over them. These people look like they feel, mashed down, the underdog and they are ripe for exploitation on every level.They feel that they have no worth. This can be because of trauma in their lives, or a chemical imbalance, or psychological issues.

It’s all so complex and relies on an internal balance…

But when a person ‘most of the time’ feels equal to tasks, life, people etc. then they will have fewer highs and lows. They are more balanced and feel genuine confidence. They can handle criticism and conflict by taking the time and opportunity to look at self and evaluate. They are not so sensitive, or easily blown, or taken down by the wind of misfortune, or bad days. They flow more easily through life…

To arrive at, equal to, most all of the time requires self-evaluation of your behaviors, reactions and also that of others.

Being equal to is the place to strive for and to be. Because in this place, you will naturally treat others well and with respect because you treat yourself well and with respect. And if you mess up, you will be quick to apologize.

The key here is…you respect yourself, therefore you respect others.

The way that you treat others most of the time reflects how you feel about yourself all the time.

So, are you better than, less than, or equal to? Self-evaluate…

What are your opinions, experiences, or examples?