Category Archives: Self-help

The Blame Game…who plays it and why?…

Almost everyone plays it occasionally because it is easier than looking at yourself.

“Blame.” The mere word suggests that something shady is going on. “Blame” hardly ever has a positive ring to it, because it usually implies trying to “pin” fault on another.
 
Many of us learn how to do it when we are little by watching our parents and peers. A whole lot of us never learn how to actually be accountable, or take responsibility for our own actions. After all, that would mean we’d have to look at our own stuff, and God forbid, do some work on ourselves.

Human beings generally resist change, and most, downright despise having to work for anything that doesn’t hail instant reward, or gratification. We live in a society that teaches us that we should have a sense of entitlement. So, looking the other way is not only acceptable, but makes life easier. We don’t like getting involved, not with others, and sure as hell not with ourselves. So, we do a lot of blaming, denying, avoiding and “existing”. Most of us would rather engage in the ‘status quo’ than question the system.

If we do this year after year, we end up with mediocre, miserable lives, which we blame on our surroundings, circumstances, upbringing, or on our lack of (beauty, wealth, health, etc.).

When we blame, it’s an implication that we are right. Being right is the number one reason we fight, or disagree, because ‘ego’ keeps us feeling alive and ‘okay’.

We also imply that we don’t need to adjust our own attitude. We do this by making the same points, with the same people with the same lack of success. This truly is the the best example of insanity. When we run out of excuses, we fall into the victim mode and look for those in agreement. We assemble; in other words, we find those who will agree with us. (interesting ‘community organizer’ types comes to mind) 

We keep building an opinion poll, until we have successfully drowned out any logic, or reason, and hence, continue on our path of craziness.

Why is it so easy to do this? Because one of the most feared traits with most human beings is conflict or confrontation. Therefore, it is much easier to find those who agree, even if it’s silently, than those who call us on our own crap. And of course, because the ‘majority’ consists of (excuse the harsh word) cowards, it is easier to get the buy-in from the majority.

Take a good look around you and tell me how many inspiring people you see? Now take a look and tell me how many followers you see? Those who fall into the blame game are usually followers. Inspiring people stand out, take the blame, state their beliefs, go against the grain and don’t mind conflict.  They enjoy the challenge and the subsequent growth.

We are, by design, herd animals and we function better when we feel validated by the herd.

We are so easily manipulated via our emotions that we follow all kinds of ‘crazy’ ideas, ideologies, statements and people. This is how religion and politics work. They appeal to our emotions, not our logic, and the fact remains that most of us are emotional creatures, even if we are totally unaware of it.
 
If I tell you the things that feed and validate your fears, paranoia and insecurities, I will not only have an impact on you, but possibly a
follower, too
. (dictators are great at this)
 
Weak people will do the most blaming and weak people are easily led. A strong, secure, self-aware person can accept blame and can look at self. In fact, they encourage this for their self-growth which is more important to them than getting away with something.

It ‘appears’ as if inspiring people have the most followers, but sadly, it only ‘appears’ that way. The ones who tell us what we want to hear and ask us for the least amount of effort will generally get our voice and devotion. (Obama)

In theory, we want to be challenged, but in practice we want not to move a finger and have things fall into our laps. Hence, the blame game. And most play it in some form almost every single day.

Do you play the blame game? Can you recognize it when you do? And how often do you play it? Ever thought about it? Huh? Have you?

Stand naked before a mirror…

a three way full length mirror, or just in your bathroom, or somewhere in your house… but perhaps, avoid doing this in a Neiman Marcus’ dressing room because the lighting there is terrible, reveals every ounce of cellulite… oops! But that’s not the point…

The point is to stand naked before a mirror and look at yourself, really look… front, back, sides, and all around the turn back to the front and look clearly into your eyes. Do you smile, cry, laugh, or frown at what you see? Perhaps, you do all of these.

It’s fine to want to improve on what you see, but can you accept what you see today? Can you look at yourself as you stand this very day and smile at what is being relfected?

It’s doesn’t matter what you look like. What matters is, your perception of what you see, when you look at yourself without the clothing image that you project to the world? Because this is the real you. The you without adornment… so do you like yourself or what?…

I do this about three times a year… sometimes more… Sometimes, I hesitate, at first, but after after I do it. I like myself more. Sure, I may decide I need to workout a bit more, or I may think, ‘hey pretty darn good’, or ‘aren’t physicial bodies interesting’, or ‘umm, so this is me, the real me’ …  something along those lines … But I am always glad that I did it, because it makes me feel more in touch with myself.

Warning! Don’t do it after eating pizza and drinking beer… although this shouldn’t really matter… but for some it might send you into a depression that you never recover from…HAHAHAHA! It shouldn’t, but it might…

It’s nice to do it… in the morning before, or after your shower… or in the evening before you retire…

As a couple, I have done this with both of us in the bathroom… nude and it’s really a connecting experience… to feel fully accepted… But I have found those that can’t or won’t do this… those who can’t look at themselves fully nude in acceptance… have difficulty with self-esteem and are critical of others as well as themselve.

Years ago, I had surgery and the man I was in a relationship with helped changed my dressings. He saw me nude, smelly and not looking good at all. We had a special connection and to this day… he sees me clearly and I see him… and this bond is healing.

The point is that, many of us rarely, if ever, look at ourselves naked. Few of us love ourselves enough to look at ourself in all our humanity, in all our humanness.
 
Look at your skin, touch it. Examine your wrinkles and folds. Look at your shape, accept it and love it. See and accept who you really are without your clothes on. Look into your eyes and see who you really are.

Can you do this? Try it.. and see what you feel like then share with us…

You don’t need to use your real name… it’s our secret. Really it is!

After you do this, I bet you will feel a closeness to yourself that you haven’t felt in a long time… Love your body, love your soul and live the life that will allow you to do this without shame or repulsion. Children do this all the time…run around naked and look at themselves in the mirror…

When you really can and do see yourself, you feel better about everything. It’s when you hide who you are from yourself that you feel separate from self and from others, a bit rotten, and try to create illusions in your mind and that of others about who you are, or who you want people to think that you are.

After doing this, put on a great outfit, do your make-up (if you are a female) and meet the world with a refreshed confidence and air of inner knowing… an inner knowing that you really know who you are…

If you can’t really look at yourself, how can you truly see another?

I have noticed that people who tell you up front…

and continually what and who they are… are usually not what they tell you. Or they are so insecure that they are trying to convince both you and themselves who and what they are…

And those that tell you continually what they are ‘trained’ to do usually aren’t that good at what they do…

As in… Obama continually telling us that he is the President. Like we don’t know that he is…

I tried a hair stylist once that told me repeatedly that she was a ‘stylist’ … she was the worst that I have ever been to…

A doctor that tells you repeatedly that they are the ‘doctor’ … watch out! (concerning medical issues, be your own advocate)

A person that constantly tells you that they always tell the truth … watch out! If this is true, why do they need to tell you that they do?

People who repeatedly tell you that they are spiritual or religious… watch out? Perhaps, they are telling you this, in order, that you ‘think’ them ‘good’, so that you will then trust them and they can come in for the kill.

Men who inform you that they are good in bed… watch out!

A woman that tells you that she is sexy… watch out!

In college, I dated a guy that on the first several dates talked about sex alot and told me repeatedly how sexy he was… I, of course, ignored what he was saying… then he kissed me… AND it was like kissing a wall… not sexy or sensual at all!

Sensual, sexy people usually don’t say a word about it… it is emitted through their very being and essence…

I have found that people who are good at what they do, don’t need to continually tell you who they are, or what they do … they just do it! They just are, and they know who they are, and it translates into their life in every way and all its forms…

It’s how a person behaves and their actions that tells you, who, and what they are, and what they can, or can’t do…

Those trying so hard to tell you who they are, what they can do for you, or about their character are usually all talk and no go…

As in Obama… sorry, had to say it!

As in talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words…
both true adages… I am seeing this more today than ever before.

Have you found this to be true?…

Predator and Prey…

If you are empty and have nothing to give, you will be looking to get and to take.

You will be a predator looking for prey. It can be in many ways and on different levels… emotionally, sexually, financially, positioning in society, power, etc.

If you are insecure and have no self-control, you look for prey that you consider controllable, so that you can have control outside yourself and feel a sense of power

If you are insecure sexually, and unable to connect to your emotions, you will look for sexual prey that you can use then toss away. Something is always wrong with them, never you. 

If you feel lacking in an area, you will look for those that have what you lack, so that you can take and get things from them.

Sure there is a balance in sharing, ‘a give and take’ in relationships and in the world. But the predator is only thinking about, and wired to be concerned about what they can get and take from their prey.

If a predator ‘appears’ to share anything, it is just to fool its prey into giving away more and more of their power, so that the predator can get, take and use them.

Apply this to love relationships, friends, politics… Oh politics! Our government has become a predator and the people are its prey.

All the government does is look for more and more ways to take
away power, freedom and finances from the people, in order to give themselves more. This is not as it should be… the government is there to SERVE the people instead of PREY on them, their talents, their works, their efforts, their resources and their very life…

When the government ‘appears’ to be ‘trying’ to help, it is only fooling in order to extract more of your rights and to take more of your power. They give alittle in order to take a lot!
 
The dynamic of predator and prey seems to have gotten more extreme in our world today…

Agree or not?…

Deflecting…

to avert and change the subject in conversation is rampant in communication today…

Deflect – turn from a straight course, fixed direction, or line of interest. Cause (something) to change direction by interposing something; turn aside from a straight course.

Therefore, many can’t even have a ‘straight on’ conversation today. If anything gets too close to home, or questions, or gets too real, honest and intense, what occurs with many is deflecting, either by changing the subject, humor, sarcasm, or name calling.

Serious questions and things true and on target are being deflected everywhere. Some think that if you side step and side step some more, then ‘maybe’, ‘hopefully’ no one will notice…and they might even forget.

Obama is the king of deflecting as are his administration, his followers, his media and most all of those who voted for him. Liberals and progressives have made deflecting an ‘art form’… deflecting is the art of cons, the weak, the manipulative, agenda-filled, and the guilty… and it is unfortunately, because of public example, considered ‘okay’ to do and has become the ‘norm’.
 
I can’t stand it! It’s almost as if a real conversation or communication with facts and truth are lost in today’s world…

Circle, spin, deflect, repeat then start the wash cycle all over again…

Give me a person that’s straight to the point, answers questions honestly and directly, and uses few words to make their point.Not long ago, this was what was admired and strived for and we must bring this back into vogue, or we become a society of word spinners and deflectors that say nothing that means anything.
 
Agree or not… or will you deflect even this topic and question?

When did you realize that the people you thought…

had the answers, don’t? And not only that, but very possibly, you know as many answers as they do.

When did you realize that the people ‘in charge’ are not all that ‘in charge’, or all that bright, or all that wise, or all that intelligent, or all that good? And that those that ‘act’ like they have all, or most the answers, just may know least of all…

What if you realize that those you thought knew some, or all of the answers, don’t know anymore than you do?

What does it feel like when you realize this…when you see behind the curtain…?

Is this just a part of growing up? Do you think that we all come to this awareness eventually?

Have you come to this realization and if so when?

Or are you still looking to others for the answers?… 

Don’t We All?…

 I was parked in front of the mall wiping off my car. I had just come from the car wash and was waiting for my wife to get out of work. Coming my way from across the parking lot was what society would consider a bum.

From the looks of him, he had no car, no home, no clean clothes, and no money. There are times when you feel generous, but there are other times when you just don’t want to be bothered. This was one of those, “I don’t want to be bothered times.”

“I hope he doesn’t ask me for any money,” I thought. He didn’t. He came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop, but he didn’t look like he had enough money to even ride the bus. After a few minutes he spoke.

“That’s a very pretty car,” he said. He was unkempt, but he had an air of dignity about him. His blond beard kept more than just his face warm.

I said, “Thanks,” and continued wiping off my car.

He sat there quietly as I worked. The expected plea for money never came. As the silence between us widened something inside said, “Ask him if he needs any help.” I was sure that he would say “yes”, but I held true to the inner voice.

“Do you need any help?” I asked.

He answered in three simple, but profound words that I shall never forget. We often look for wisdom in great men and women. We expect it from those of higher learning and accomplishments. I expected nothing but an outstretched grimy hand. He spoke the three words that shook me.

“Don’t we all?” he said.

I was feeling high and mighty, successful and important, above a bum in the street, until those three words hit me like a twelve gauge shotgun.

Don’t we all?

I needed help. Maybe, not for bus fare, or a place to sleep, but I needed help. I reached in my wallet and gave him not only enough for bus fare, but enough to get a warm meal and shelter for the day.

Those three little words still ring true. No matter how much you have, no matter how much you have accomplished, you need help, too. No matter how little you have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money, or a place to sleep, you can give help. Even if it’s just a compliment, you can give that.

You never know when you may see someone who appears to have it all. They are waiting on you to give them what they don’t have. A different perspective on life, a glimpse at something beautiful, a respite from daily chaos, that perhaps only you can help them see.

Maybe, the man was just a homeless stranger wandering the streets. Maybe, he was more than that. Maybe, he was sent by a power that is great and wise, to minister to a soul too comfortable in himself.

Maybe, God looked down, called an Angel, dressed him like a bum, then said,

“Go minister to that man cleaning the car; that man needs help.”

Don’t we all?

~ The author is Nathaniel Bronner, Jr., who has a daily inspiration “Wings Over The Mountains of Life. ” His website is well worth the visit and is located by clicking… http://www.mountainwings.com

Communication…

Is communication by machine hampering, blocking and detracting from real sincere human communication?

Are email and text messaging hampering face to face look into the eyes real honest communication?

I think that it is! Not think! I know that it is!

There were studies done, years ago, that revealed that people who used a computer in their work were more likely to objectify human beings. There were also studies done showing that sexual predators, many times, are isolated in their work and in their work use a computer.

I can’t stand to be asked on a date, or lunch with a friend by email or text. I think email and texting can be useful, if used as an additional tool for communication, but when someone uses it, when it would be just as easy to pick up the phone, it appears as an avoidance and a lazy way to communicate. It’s detached communication, a step removed from the voice, and two steps removed from in person.

I like to hear a voice, I like to see a face. I like eyes… intimacy… touching and real in person communication.

Behind a computer, a person can pretend to be anyone. I don’t know how many married men approach me over the internet. These people are weak and insignificant in their essences. They are frauds hiding behind a machine. Trying to make a human connection through a machine, dependant on a machine, hiding behind a machine and lying through a machine.

If you don’t have to reveal yourself, but you can just type out a persona and words that are meaningless, do you diminish, perhaps, even lose the ability to really communicate from your heart and in person?

Communication has always been key to any and all human relations….and is the cause for so much misunderstanding, hurt and break-ups. So now, that so many are focusing using communication by machine, it’s taking real communication to a new low.

Sure, you can communicate faster and with more people, but how about the quality? How meaningful is a text? And do you think that you can really know, or get to know someone communicating by email and by texting? Well, you can’t and you don’t…

We are detaching from the fullness of who we are and from each other. Some may like that as they hide who they really are and their intentions. 

A man can text one woman while having dinner with another… and tell her it’s business…while he’s making or canceling a date…

I like real in person communication…

I have noticed too many times, couples in restaurants, where both are on their  ‘communication’ contraptions and missing, or avoiding the opportunity for real in person communication. 

Perhaps, in the future, classes will be needed concerning how to communicate and interact in person. We needed that as a society even before communication by machine took over…

Communication is difficult as it is… why add a machine into the mix…?

It takes courage to communicate face to face, eye to eye, person to person. In person, the whole of you is revealed, your facial expressions, your voice tone, your eyes, whether you make eye contact, or not, your vulnerabilities, even if you are really capable of full communication….In person, it’s yourself, YOU, in all of your dimensions.

All this hiding behind this machine driven communication is diminishing real communication and who we are as a people.

My suggestion, use it as a tool, but don’t count on it to do most of your communication (especially personal) and never rely on it and certainly not to make dates especially in the beginning of a courtship. Doing so, might be cutting you off from yourself, and others, even while you ‘think’ that you are communicating more.

Put down your cellphone while eating with friends and family. Put down your cell while driving, turn off your cell while in the movie threatre. And on dates, turn off your phone, or don’t even take it, unless, you are a surgeon and you just preformed surgery and need to keep tabs on your patient.

Be where you are and with the person and people you are with, instead of being distracted, and connecting to others who aren’t there in person.

Observing people in the grocery store, walking across parking lots, and while they are driving, etc. talking on the phone… well, to me, they look like idiots… not actually present, but attached to some machine. It doesn’t make them appear ‘busy’ or ‘popular’.. it makes them appear unorganized, detracted, distracted and pathetic. So desperate to communicate and connect… but are they really? Are they really even capable?

Human interaction and communication in person is fulfulling for a healthy individual. Real human interaction enables a person to be autonomous and to enjoy solitude at times, without the need to be plugged in all the time…

Get what I am communicating here?

Voices and in person are the only way to fully communicate…  
Look me in the eyes and talk with me…
  

Insecurity! Our individual blight that spills onto others…

Looking honestly and sincerely at yourself… can be a difficult thing to do.

It takes a secure person to admit what they are insecure about in themselves… but when you are able to recognize, accept and work on your personal insecurities, you will live a more actualized, self-contained, emotionally healthy life with less harm done to those around you. 

How does one become more secure in self? I believe that it comes from self-reflection and evaluation. Examining situations and how you interact and react with others and taking the time to look at both sides, not just how you ‘think’ that it is, or how you ‘think’ that someone is, but to see things from both sides, even all sides. When you feel a certain way, examine whylook into yourself to see if what you feel is real, imagined, or a distortion. 

Example: If you are jealous, but can’t, won’t, or don’t see that in yourself, how can you release it? You can’t! You need to be able to recognize what you are feeling and why you have the emotional reactions that you do, in order to grow, shift and change out of it.

To be able to identify what you are insecure about is key. I bet most don’t give it a thought. They just go through life reacting, blaming and projecting onto others…

So, what are your insecurities? Can you identify them? Some insecurities are deep and painful, while others are right on the surface and fairly easy to see then some we aren’t even aware of.

At times, I feel insecure about my appearance. I feel insecure that perhaps, I am not doing as much as I should be…  Why am I here? What is my life for? When I was younger, I might’ve felt insecure, if I didn’t feel like I was wearing a ‘cool’ outfit or if I ‘felt’ overweight…I think that I have behaved in varying levels throughout the years in some of the behaviors in..The Insecure Woman

And we also have The Insecure Man

But now, I am mostly just insecure concerning my direction on the planet. Am I doing what I was placed on this planet to do? Am I fullfilling my highest destiny?

If and when you are feeling insecure and lacking… volunteer to help in your community in some form (not just to get your photo in the paper, or so that you can brag about what you are doing) because when you think about others and put others first, often times, you can step out of yourself. Then when you come back to self, you might be able to see yourself more clearly. Also, accomplishments of worthwhile things, over-coming and striving, in competition with yourself and challenging yourself, builds confidence and helps a person to fill up their insecurity holes…

Be competitive with yourself not others… set your personal goals and strive to achieve them.

The more that you recognize and fill up your insecurities, the less that you will have the need to lash out, respond with insecurity, turn to addictions, or project your insecurities onto others. You will be at peace and honest in yourself and that is good for everyone concerned…

I think that the older you get, if you have been self-evaluating along the way, you come to a point where you know who you are and can more easily identify your weaknesses and blind spots… What do you think? 

What are your insecurities? Are you brave and secure enough to recognize them and to share?

Look to the left and click to follow…

Just because someone is talking…

doesn’t mean what they are saying is true…

Just because you read something that someone writes, it doesn’t mean that it is true..

Learn to discern!

Discern : to detect with senses

If someone tells you something, observe their actions and how they live, to see ‘if’ they match their words..

If you read something, before you believe it, sometimes, it’s important to take the time to research it for yourself.

Anyone can talk and write anything…

Agree or not????

Look to the left and click to follow…