Category Archives: Self-help

The Haircut…

When I was eleven…

 I want to have a new grown up hairstyle.  I’ve had a ponytail for such a long time.  I’ve been looking through magazines, studying the pictures and see most of the girls have shorter hair.

          I want to have a cute, short, stylish hairstyle, too.  All the girls in the magazines have short, straight hair.  The length of their hair is just below their chin.  My hair is below my shoulders, thick and wavy and it gets in my way.  So I wear it in a ponytail most all the time.  I feel like a baby.

          Many of the girls at school are getting their hair cut short.  So I ask my mom if I can get my hair cut short, too.  She asks, “Are you certain you want to get your ponytail cut off?”  “Yes, I am sure!” I answer.  She makes an appointment with the stylist who does her hair. The appointment is on Friday afternoon just before a birthday party at a friend’s house.  My hair is going to be new, a surprise for the party.

          I get my hair cut just like in the picture that I show the hair dresser.  It looks real cute.  I love it!  The hair dresser blows my hair dry with a blow dryer.  My hair is straight, full, and beautiful.  I look real old – like a teenager!  I barely recognize myself. I’m  excited to go to the party and to show off my new hair style.  The party is fun and everyone loves my hair.  I feel so grown-up and sophisticated.

The next day when I wake up, my hair looks kind of wild. I’m use to sleeping with my hair in a ponytail.  In fact, my hair was always in a ponytail.  I go outside to play.  I’m doing my usual Saturday stuff – running all over out-of-doors playing with my friend, Jane. We go inside her house and I go into the bathroom.  I take a look at my hair to admire my new, grown up, sophisticated self. 

Oh my goodness!  My hair is standing out all over the place.  It’s frizzy and awful. I look terrible!  I look like a wild woman!  It’s real humid outside and I have the kind of hair that gets frizzy in rainy weather.  What am I going to do?  Jane comes in and we try to do something with my hair but it’s too short to put it in a ponytail.  Jane still has her ponytail.  I wished I still had mine.  I don’t like this new hair cut.  It’s too much trouble to take care of.  I don’t know how to fix it right.  Jane says that she liked my ponytail better, too.

          Then, Jane’s older sister and mother come home.  When they see me, they ask, “What did you do to your hair?” I reply, “I got it cut.” Trying to hold my chin up, I say, “It’s the newest style.”  They say they liked my ponytail better.

          Quickly, I tell Jane that I have to go home.  I run across the street barely holding back the tears.  I run into the house and run into my bathroom to try to do something with this awful hair.  I’m crying and  call out for my mother.  She comes in to try and help me, but no one can do anything with this hair.  I’m stuck with this awful frizzy hair until it grows out and I can put it into a ponytail again.  Mother says you will get use to fixing your new hair style.  It will just take practice.  Nothing she says can help.

          Something comes over me. I’m overwhelmed by the realization of what I have done.  I was trying to be so grown up and sophisticated.  Instead, I look like a wild woman.  I’m crying real hard.  I go out to the family room where my mother is sitting on the sofa.  I’m crying so hard. I don’t remember ever crying this hard since I was a baby. 

          I’m crying and saying “Mother, I’m so ugly now.  I will never be pretty again. I wrecked myself!”  I’m crying uncontrollably.  Mother takes me in her lap.  I’m crying so hard, the hardest, I ever remember crying.  I’m saying over and over how ugly that I think I am because of my haircut.  My mother is holding me and saying that it will grow, not to worry and to stop crying. That it will be alright.  I’m sitting on my mother’s lap as if I am a baby. Straddling her lap and leaning into her body.  It feels so good to be sitting on my mother’s lap and having her hold me close.  She smells so good, a fresh clean smell like flowers, only not. I relax and let my body go limp as she holds me.  I sense that this will be the last time my mother holds me like this because I’m too old for my mother to hold me like a baby.

          Then I snap out of it and realize as I come back to my senses. I’m not a baby, so why am I sitting in my mother’s lap crying?  I push away but my mother pulls me close to her again, as she says, “Don’t pull away. I haven’t held you like this in so long. It feels so good to hold you.  I don’t get to hold you anymore, since you have become such a big girl.”  I stay there a minute more feeling the closeness and comfort of my mother as her smell permeates my being. Then I pull back and away and get up because I feel embarrassed.  Embarrassed by the closeness, by the feelings and embarrassed by thinking, I’m too old to be sitting in my mother’s lap.

After crying so hard though, I feel a lot better. My hair will grow and until it does I can figure out something to do with it.  I will think long and hard before I take another picture into a beauty shop again and say give me this hairstyle. Actually, I don’t think I have ever done so again.

I recall how good it felt to hold my mother and to be in her arms sitting in her lap.  It was the last time that she ever did hold me like that in full childhood abandonment of joining as one with my mother.  I remember that feeling always. The imprint is on my heart.  I wonder if my mother remembers.

My awareness is I wonder why as we get older, it is sometimes so difficult to be close to our parents?  I wonder why as a child, I believed I was a ‘baby’ if I sought comfort from my mother? Where did this belief in me come from? Where does this belief come from in our society? But as we grow up, it’s emotionally healthy to separate from our mothers to become autonomous with the ability to self-comfort.  Those who don’t separate from their mothers lose who they are and can stay as weak, needy children for their whole lives.

Many, many years later, one evening, my mother had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. I was an adult, living in another state. Daddy called and told me that her stroke was so bad that it was futile to operate. They were letting God take care of her. I made airline arrangements to go see my mother the next day.

Early in the morning while I was sleeping, around three or so, I had a dream-like memory of my mother holding me like on that day when I was eleven distraught about my haircut and thinking I was ruined and ugly. I felt her arms around me and the warmth and love coming from her was magnificent, much stronger than it had even been on that day.  Tears ran down my face as I felt my mother’s love and felt her so very close to me.

The next morning early, Daddy called crying  to tell me mother had died about three that morning.

In the months thereafter, oftentimes, when I would get up in the middle of the night, say to use the restroom, or if I would just awaken, I would smell the fresh fragrance of my mother.  This occurrence stayed with me for several years, in the most unexpected times, but usually at night, late when I was quiet and to myself. And in places, where there were no smells. I wear no perfumes and can’t stand artificial odors so that fragrance came from nowhere in the places where I lived.

  In times of stress,  loneliness or unhappiness, and at times before I go to sleep, I  pull to me the feelings and memory of being in my mother’s lap and her holding me close to her heart.

A story from my book. Look for it to be out this July.

 

Defense and Denial – excerpt from my soon available book…

 Defensive and denial are partners in the deepest blocks towards awareness and healing. Becoming defensive or flipping into denial can be a sign that something, someone or some words have triggered an imprint that you are trying to avoid looking at. Defensive and denial are activated because of fear to feel the pain, to feel wrong and to block reality and truth.

If you flip into denial and become defensive along with being angry about a situation or something said or done, it reveals that you have been deeply triggered. You are trying to make them wrong, so that you can feel ‘right’ and ‘safe’ in your beliefs according to your imprints about self, others and your issues.

Try to break through the knee jerk reaction of denial and defense mechanisms, in order, that you are able to look hard and long as to why you react in this manner. Incorporate intense self-refection. Look at yourself instead of trying to point the finger at another. Pointing the finger outside yourself and at another is deflecting and a sure sign that someone or some situation has hit upon your vulnerabilities. Many times, becoming defensive and in denial, is insecurity hiding behind a big ego. It’s a kind of self-willed blindness. You wouldn’t have been triggered, if it hadn’t touched something that you were trying to avoid or hide.

Defenses and denial mechanisms can be difficult to break through, because their whole purpose in being kept alive is to defend imprints, perceptions and the belief system, in order, to stay out of pain. They came into play to avoid looking at self and to avoid change. The defended self can be a hard nut to crack. Some people reacting defensively and in denial do so with such intensity that it’s as if their very life is being threatened and to them it feels this way. The fear that their defended belief system might not be accurate throws them into a spin and the feeling that they are fighting for their life and even to the feeling as if they could die. They will accuse the other side to that which they are guilty. It’s an obvious manipulation tactic and also used to control along with shaming and blaming others, into doing as they wish.

Therefore, awareness will probably need to be done layer by layer because feelings of defensiveness can trigger intense denial, anger and the feeling that you want to reject the person, words, experience or situation. You may actually do this by blocking them out of your life, as you point the finger at them away from self, in deflection, trying to shame and blame them because they are too close to revealing truth, that will break open or shatter your image of self. That which you believe you must hold onto to make yourself feel and ‘appear’ what you think is ‘safe’. Something is shaking up your status quo and your mechanisms of defense don’t like it, and will fight like hell to stop being exposed and to not feel the emotional pain. The defended belief system is a major block that keeps truth and subsequently, peace, love and joy away.

  Dig really deep to become aware of why you are defensive, look at yourself honestly, don’t be afraid to feel the pain. Pain is a part of living. If and when you allow yourself to get into the feelings and the imprint that is being triggered, you will be able to more easily see why you became defensive, and then release it.   Being defensive is usually because you are not feeling good enough, feeling flawed, unworthy, or uncertain and someone has gotten dangerously close to revealing it, so you try to do everything in your power to defend self. But what you are actually doing is defending your right to stay stuck, blocked and cut off from self, growth, truth and ultimately healing and happiness. The longer you stay in denial and defense, the longer you will stay blocked. The quicker you break through denial and defense, the faster you will feel free.

It takes bravery to break through defenses. This is why it’s so prevalent in our world today and why so many make statements such as: ‘Don’t judge me. You have no right to ‘judge’ me. Who are you to ‘judge’ me?’ Comments such as these are defense mechanisms on over drive and come from persons not integrated and at acceptance of self. People who react in this manner are living in insecurity and emotional pain. Their defensiveness and denial concerning the fear of being judged by others clearly reveals this. They may as well be screaming, ‘I am insecure, am weak, feel unworthy, am really not sure of what I believe or what I am saying or doing. So don’t put it in my face because I am too weak and frightened to look at it or myself.’ They will then deflect and try to point the finger outside of their selves by shaming and blaming those who have triggered their deep seated issues and insecurity.

Blaming is giving your power away. When you blame anyone, it is saying that they have power over you, the way you feel, think and behave. So you are admitting that someone else is so powerful as to control your feelings, mood, and even your very being. Therefore how weak does that show you as being?

Reality is that everyone is judging everyone else, in each day and every moment. We all make judgments. Judgments from others will not trigger you and you will not become defensive, if you are at awareness, acceptance and understanding. What matters is how you look at yourself. It’s fine to be different and individual. It’s your insecurity that triggers defensiveness, denial, vulnerabilities and fear of being judged. Feeling the pain in self-reflection and awareness, is the beginning to release. Feel the pain and release it, so you can feel the joy!

Stop watering the weeds in your life and start watering the flowers.

The best things in life are not things…

The best things in life are moments filled with feelings, emotions, sensations of being alive, the touch, the smile of someone you love, the embrace, the kiss, the hug. the warmth of someone you love.  The feel of the sun on your face. The cool wind on your skin. The sun glistening in the trees. The sound of music. The taste of your favorite food. The best things in life are feelings and emotions triggered by people and experiences that create wonderful memories. The best thing in life is to feel and experience our senses. The best thing in life is communication. God’s gift of being on earth is to experience love and joy… the real connection to self, to others and to the source… our maker.

Sure ‘things’ are part of living on earth, but they are not the reason… they are only to enhance, to give to others, and to make our life easier, and perhaps, fun. Things are tools. Things are sofas to sit on, utensils to eat with.

I once went on a date with a man who loved expensive cars and owned many. On our first date, we had fun, he was attentive. We had a great conversation and dinner at a nice restaurant. I think he was driving a Mercedes that evening, but I didn’t care. I thought him a nice man. On our second date, he arrived in a Ferrari. It was pretty… but I have ridden in and owned many great cars. A car is a car. A car is fun to drive. A car gets you from place to place, but it is a thing.  I was chatting as he drove down the tollway to our destination. He did not respond to me, but instead, stared straight at the rode.  I thought …’Umm this is bizarre’. He was not the friendly talkative man of our first date.

Turning into the parking lot of the restaurant,  another car turned too close to him and he sparked into anger with a comment to match. He parked his Ferrari  in a distant parking place to make certain no one could ding it.  At dinner, he kept looking out at his car, since we were by the window with view of it.

After dinner, on our way to the movie, he was overly focused on his driving and was not talkative. So, I inquired. “Are you okay?  You seem preoccupied?” To which he snapped, when I drive this car, I focus on my driving. It’s my baby. It’s worth thus and so. It’s an investment. I only take it out occasionally.

I responded. “So, why did you drive it tonight, to impress me?”

He, “Sure, did. And I did, didn’t I?  I knew you would look great in this car.”

Me, “Actually no. It’s a nice car. But it’s our second date and your focus is on the car and not me. I would rather your attention have been on me, on our getting to know one another, instead of a car,or how I look in your car.”

He, ” Well, well, well…ummm, I thought you would like riding in a Ferrari.”

Me, “We had a great first date. I thought you nice and interesting. I have been in a Ferrari before, in fact, several times.. They are nice cars, but your attention is on it, not me, or us getting to know one another. So, why don’t you and your car continue the date and take me home.”

He, “But I like you. I really like you. You are beautiful, smart and fun.”

Me, “But your attention tonight is on your car. So please take me home and be with your car.”

He asked me out several times after that evening and I declined. This self-centered materialistic man was shocked by my response concerning his ‘car’. He had no idea how to impress much less connect with a woman like me, or really any woman, unless she’s a gold digger and as materialistic a woman as he is a man. And did this fool think so little of women that he thought he could ‘buy’ or ‘lure’ me into liking him with his ‘things’.  How little he must think of himself.

As I stated previously, cars are fun, but people are what matter most.  When people put things before people, they have a distortion in their spirit, soul and, of course, their life. This man showed me early on that ‘his things’ matter more than interacting with me and in his distorted mind, he thought I would like him, or be impressed with a car so much that I would, what? Like him for and because of his car… Ha! His things defined him. He’s fractured with no real inner core. It’s like people such as this are anchored to a reality defined by their ‘things’… instead of their internal core. People such as this often view people as things and treat them as such… as in the trophy wife… and that is how I felt with him. He liked me because he liked the way I looked in his car. He gave no value to who I am inside only that my exterior fit with his  false and fake ‘image’ of self. His concern wasn’t with me, my feelings, my emotions, or getting to really know me… but to show his car off to me. And therefore, show his car and me, off to others… as in ‘his image’ was what was important to him. His image as it related to ‘things’.

It’s one ‘thing’ to enjoy things…quite another to place them where people ought be in  your life.

His placement of value was seriously misplaced.  I never saw him again and he didn’t understand why. Later, I interacted with some people who knew him, actually who had worked for him. (Funny how that happens.) I learned that even though successful,  he was the worst boss they had ever had and one man quit his job because of him. This man of ‘things’ lives in a house worth millions, gated and well-guarded. Has a garage full of expensive, collectible cars and lives alone. He was married once years ago. She had an affair and left him. (He told me this on our first date and poor him, he was so hurt when she did that and he didn’t understand why she did.) He is a hard-hearted money grubbing executive, no one could stand working with, or, for him. He retired early and is alone with his things.  Who knows what happened to make this man so inhuman, fractured, unfeeling and cold. What happened to him that he has no self worth, unless it is connected to money and things? And he’s so far gone now, no one could/would care, except a woman just like him or a gold-digger. But he wouldn’t really share his things with her. He’s too selfish  and self-centered. 

I enjoy things, pretty furniture, antiques, art, jewelry, clothes and yes, cars, too. But nothing comes before people and certainly not before someone I love.

Things are to enhance life, not to replace people, or to become a life.

 

 

Denial of vulnerability leads to needless, non-productive worry…

annface48My father was a worrier. Mother used to say, “If there isn’t anything to worry about, your Dad will find something.”  So, I come by my ‘worrying’ naturally… HA!

When bad things happen in life that turn your world upside down, or create a sense of vulnerability, or devastate you at the time, you become aware that negative things can happen out of the blue and unexpectedly or that the choices you made, hurt you and others.  This can create fear, PTSD, excessive worrying, panic attacks, anxiety, set in your ways, fear of change, fear of making a mistake, etc.

Reality is, as humans we are vulnerable to many and a variety of things, some in our control and many not. It’s the lack of control, the need to live in the denial of our vulnerability that leads to our worrying.

Acceptance of vulnerability releases worry. Once you prepare for the worst case scenario then stop worrying and replace it with faith. But sometimes, when you think you have covered all your bases, you still get hurt and have harm. Then at other times, when you fly by the seat of your pants, everything turns out great. So actually, you can’t always be prepared … because negative, unpleasant, harmful things just happen. We are all vulnerable. To be human is to be vulnerable.

Sure, being prepared, aware and using common sense is wise.  But worrying destroys happiness, fun, joy, adventure,  experiences, health, spontaneity…

My Dad wanted to be in control of his life, and to protect those whom he loved. It’s a male trait. not wanting to feel vulnerable.  It’s a kind of trait that has one looking for the ‘what if’s’… to try and combat them or to cut them off before they do hurt and harm. That can be a good thing…. but too much of it wears the person out , those around them and can stop living in its tracks. Worrying never stopped my Dad from living life large with many accomplishments and adventures. He just went ahead and faced his fears… but he did worry. But he also had much faith that balanced out the worry and allowed him to go forth.. He told me he had an angel on his shoulder. He would loan his angel to me when I was going through a rough time. So just that knowing, showed his faith was more powerful than his worry.

I can be a worrier. I admit it. But I also have tremendous faith that pulls me out of it. I have had many traumatic, out of the blue occurrences in my life that tested my faith and sunk me into worry, fret and depression. Some, perhaps, predictable others not.  My worry and fear have caused me loss and to miss out, and this I regret. I don’t regret what and when I tried and lost because, at least, I tried. But I do regret when fear and worry stopped me in my tracks or caused me to make decisions out of fear instead of faith. But usually and most always I keep on in faith, otherwise, I would die inside with worry and that is no way to live.

While on earth, God wants us to live in faith and to have experiences, adventures, feelings, emotions… but for certain acknowledge all feelings… as warnings of fear can prevent harm, after all we are sentient beings in physical body on earth. Here to experience it all.

As humans on earth we are vulnerable… so accept it and choose faith…

The Christmas season is based on and founded in faith…

What you do is more important than what you say…

ann-smile4Words are meaningless without intent and follow-through.

All talk and no action is empty rhetoric.

“I never worry about action, but only about inaction.” Winston Churchill

Most politicians are all talk and no action…

In the real world only sociopaths, psychopaths, scammers, liars, cons etc. are all talk with no action.  All talk and no action is the first sign of a con.

In the real world, people must follow their words with action, they must follow through or they will  lose face, people won’t trust them and, in general, they just plain eventually lose.  They get found out for what the are and others turn from them.
The government is one of the places where people that are all talk and no action are rewarded.
When the government is supposed to be by the people and for the people, what it’s become is for the government, for the benefit of the government and screw the people. People don’t matter as long as, we,  the government, can keep sucking from and off them to keep us in their money. So why do we keep electing politicians that don’t put action with their words? Or who even do the opposite of what their words convey.
In the real world, all trust is lost in someone who lies, or talks with no action. For some in the government, it appears the people keep on trusting and that is what the government is counting on, that the people keep on trusting their words with no action or their opposite action and the stupid, unaware, ill-informed people do. Look at the c Clinton and Obama cons.
Hopefully President Trump will change all that…

The energy of love…

pearlsandrosesheadshot6Woman is God’s gift to man. Genesis 2:18,20,23,24 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; …

“There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God’s finger on man’s shoulder.” Charles Morgan

gods-gift

Love is energy flowing. It’s action.  The real reason you love someone, if the love is genuine is because of their energy… the energy of their soul. You may be attracted by appearance or something else.  But genuine love is not about a great body, a bank account, a car, or anything else but energy… the spirit of the energy from the heart and soul is what really attracts those to one another graced with the God given ability to know genuine love… “z

z

In love, two opposites can come together to create perfection.

Peace is not the absence of conflict, it’s the ability to cope living with it.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.”  Paulo Coelho

“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” Bruce Lee

images

“If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy.” Kristin Chenoweth

“There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Look to the left and click to follow…

Damaged, disordered, wounded people can damage and cause you to become so…

???????????????????????????????Ever heard the saying you become like who you marry?

Those we associate with often change us. If we are around negative people, we will become more negative. If we are around happy positive people we will become more positive.  Confident people instill confidence in others.

Ever notice how around certain people you feel happy and uplifted and around others you feel down and like the energy has been sucked out of you?  You feel that way because it has been. I have noticed that I  even can  begin to feel nervous around some people. When I feel negative emotions coming at me, I have learned to become aware, to limit exposure and  even  to exit completely.  Listen to your gut and how you feel… don’t negate or discard your gut instincts. They are a gift from God for your protection.

If and when you point out to others how you feel around them and if they can’t look at themselves, apologize for dumping onto you, then  you need to cut them loose from your life … until they can.

Being emotionally thrown up  on by someone for things that have nothing to do with you is damaging to self… unless, you set and have clear boundaries. 

I am not saying let friends down when they are in need. We all have needs at time and need extra caring but only the strong of heart are the ones capable to give this to you. The wounded, damaged and disordered will suck your energy even when you are in need  and will most likely make you feel worse whether you realize it in that moment or not. These are people to limit your association with. They are energy vampires.

Misery loves company and subconsciously  that is their agenda, to take you down to their level.  I have had people tell me that they love me and love to be around me because ‘I’ make ‘them’ feel good and calm them, then when I need their energy and help they suck the life out of me. These are the people I have learned to limit my exposure to.

Have you ever been around someone that never if rarely smiles or someone that has a negative comment for every occasion? I have and tried to lift these people up for awhile, until their damaged, disordered, wounded soul began to affect me. Then I ended my association with them to protect myself.  All I  can do then is to pray for them but I limit even cut off our energies connecting.

We can all help one another, at times, but true healing begins with self.

Energy suckers of the world are damaged people and until they deal with their issues, they will not be able to give to another, instead, they will drain those around them.

You become more like those you associate with. If you associate with man haters, you will find yourself bashing men. If you associate with women haters, you will find yourself bashing women. If you think it’s okay to do drugs then those are the people you will associate with. If you workout and are physically fit, you will prefer being around those of like  body and mind.

Everyone in this world has been hurt, damaged, wounded, etc. It’s the energy of the strong and brave that works on healing self instead of going through life projecting, and throwing up their neediness on others. 

It’s your individual duty to set your boundaries.  Like kind attracts like kind… and opposites attract. Think of how profound these truisms are and on so many levels.

annface48“Any fool can be happy. It takes a man with real heart to make beauty out of the stuff that makes us weep.” Clive Barker

Look to the left and click to follow…

Negative People….

negative5Remaining positive in a tough situation can be difficult, but the outlook you choose can affect every aspect of life. Positive and negative people have very different attitudes, thoughts and ways of dealing with their circumstances.

To keep negative energy out of your life, be aware of these common traits of negative people… not all negative people will have all these traits but they will have many of them.  You will see a trend in their way of looking at and dealing with the world.

Negative people kill the souls of others, destroy the happiness in life, and definitely ruin fun times. Destroyers of  hope and joy… they are full of fear, insecurity  and become defensive when called out on their behavior. They will tend to project it back onto the one calling them out. They dodge responsibility. They have been damaged in their past and refuse either out of denial, fear or ignorance to look at themselves, their mind set, and from where it derives.

Block their negativity from your life. Block their trying to kill your happiness and joy. Some of these people seep into your life unnoticed, under the guise of ‘caring’ and ‘friendship’ … but what their motives are is to suck off your life energy for as long as you will allow them to… then when you need some energy from them, they either give it half-baked, while even making you feel worse in their subtle way of negativity, are not there for you at all or you will end up feeling worse than you would have were they not there at all.

If allowed they can and will bring you into  the abynegative4ss of their negativity.  Misery loves company. They are not genuinely happy so they can’t be supportive or genuinely happy for others. They may utter supportive words, at times, but if you listen with your gut, instead of your ears, their words will not feel sincere.  Even the words ‘ I love you’ will feel empty and some can utter that phrase as easily as saying thank you… which is a sure sign of insincerity.

Negative People are Afraid of Change –  Negative people tend to fear change. Even if they aren’t happy with their current circumstances, instead of thinking “things could get better,” they believe that change is always for the worst. They are too afraid of losing what they have to let it go so that they can gain more. So they may stay in stagnant or  bad situations because they are afraid of change while they complain all the time about their situation.

A positive person welcomes change and is always open to new experiences.

Negative People Aren’t Grateful – Negative people are so focused on the negative that they are blinded to the positive things that surround them. They don’t show gratitude toward their friends or family members, and they take their blessings —  like their job, home and health — for granted.

Positive people recognize their blessings and show gratitude for what they have.

Negative People Don’t Sincerely or Genuinely Care About Others – Negative people aren’t concerned with hurting anyone’s feelings. They are too focused on themselves to worry about someone else, even the people that care about them. If the conversation isn’t focused on them, there’s no real interest. negative

A positive person is always open to making new friends, and they enjoy making others happy.

 Negative People Blame Others for Their Mistakes – A negative person doesn’t like to admit when they’re wrong. Even when it’s clear that they’ve made a mistake, a negative person will blame others for something that is really their fault. They will not apologize, or if they do it will feel insincere. Some cry at the drop of a hat to get them out of responsibility or to make others feel sorry for them. Negative people enjoy playing the martyr.

A positive person takes responsibility for mistakes and failures.

negative3Negative People Believe the World Revolves Around Them – A negative person believes that the world owes them something. They think that if they’re having a bad day, which is more often than not, everyone else should cater to them. They let their negative feelings and poor attitude drive them on a daily basis. They are self-absorbed.

A positive person is able to put the needs of others before his or her own.

 Negative People Don’t Apologize – “I’m sorry” is a phrase that negative people avoid even dread. They see apologizing as a weakness. It means admitting that they were wrong. While a positive person is quick to apologize for hurting others, a negative person will do almost anything to avoid an apology even cry to illicit pity for themselves… oh poor pitiful them.

A positive person is able to admit when they’re wrong and apologize sincerely.

 Negative People Focus on Personal Gain – Negative people are willing to step on everyone around them if it boosts their success. They are concerned with their own personal gain and will do anything that benefits them, despite who it hurts in the process.

A positive person would never put someone else down in order to get ahead.

Negative People Enjoy Seeing Others Fail – Negative people don’t root for anyone, even if it’s a family member or a friend. When someone else experiences success, a negative person becomes jealous and bitter. They may give lip service to another’s good but they really don’t feel it… what they feel is envy.

A positive person is sincerely happy to see others succeed.

Negative People Can’t Accept Constructive Criticism – Constructive criticism can be hard to take, but it’s often necessary in order to learn and grow. A negative person hates to be criticized. Even if someone is trying to help them, they become closed off and they see criticism as a threat.

A positive person welcomes constructive criticism, seeing it as a learning opportunity.

Negative People Think They Know Everything – A negative person sees learning something new as a sign of weakness. They like to act like they are already an expert in every subject, instead of taking the time to truly expand their knowledge.

A positive person always strives to learn something new.

negative2Negative People Aren’t Compassionate – A negative person will never be a shoulder to cry on. If friends or family members ask for help, a negative person won’t be able to cheer them up. They’ll likely point out even more negatives in a situation or start talking about their own sorry life and issues.  A negative person will never be a soft place to fall.

A positive person is able and willing to cheer someone up when they’re feeling down.

Negative People Aren’t Willing to Work for Change – Negative people aren’t happy with their situation, but they also aren’t willing to work to change anything. A positive person knows they have to work for what they want, while a negative person would rather sit around and mope than put in any effort.

A positive person sets goals and works hard to achieve them.

Negative people are usually immature and insecure.

I have a ‘friend’ that would often comment to me that just being around me makes them feel happier and that I calm them.  That they like my energy.  They would also say that they don’t have any friends.  I usually felt drained and stressed after being around them. I tried to be a good friend… I would invite them to dinner, cook a nice meal because according to them they have such a stressful busy life with job and family. They whined all the time about all the stress in their life.

Then it was my time to need some extra attention. And when it was, they were an hour late, came in stressed and dithered. I immediately felt the usual stress energy around and coming from them  and it made me feel worse and this was when I needed to feel nurtured and calm. They talked about themselves, how stressed and  hurried they were to get to my house. They drank almost a whole bottle of wine while yammering on and did things I did not want nor ask them to do.  What they decided to do what more important than what I needed. Their concern was that they take a bath… while I was feeling neglected and that they were being put upon. I detested being around them so I came into myself and calmed myself down that night.

negative6The next day, I addressed how their behaviors made me feel… and they whined that they went out of their way for me even saying that I made them cry. It was a pathetic display… but showed me clearly what needed to be revealed.

My eyes were opened. This person is too negative and consumed with self to  clearly see me, help, me, genuinely care for me, be a shoulder for me,  because when I asked for and  needed nurturing and solid energy, they had none to give… they made it all about their self.

I, therefore, honored myself and my ability to stay centered and to calm and nurture myself… with God’s grace and help. I pulled forever away from this person,  keeping them at arm’s length as an acquaintance, never to have expectations of reciprocation…  nor need of it… as they have not the ability.  Lesson learned…

There are positive and negative energies on this planet. It’s what keeps it afloat, rocking and rolling along… all of us will have negative people, things and experiences in our lifetime. It’s how we address them that either brings us back to center and to be mostly positive or keeps us captured in the evil throes of negativity.  It’s our choice which energy that drives us. I choose the positive … the positive light of God. I choose joy!

“In optimism there is magic. In pessimism there is nothing.”
Look to the left and click to follow…

Spirit is what creates life in our body…

ann-smile5Just like fabric doesn’t become an article of clothing until is it designed and created as such. An article of clothing doesn’t become alive until a body enters it. A dress lying on a bed is a dead  piece of fabric until it’s put on a body then it becomes animated. A body makes the article of clothing come alive. Every article of clothing will fit  and look differently as it adorns each body. Some bodies won’t even be able to fit into it while it fits others like a glove. But there are many other articles, styles and fit of clothing for the body to choose.  An article of clothing while perfect for one body will be wrong for another.  There are dresses to wear to Galas and dresses to wear to work.  It’s all about choosing the garment that suits the occasion and the body.  The appropriate garment, but some bodies don’t know how to select what is appropriate for occasion or for their body style, so they walk around being off the mark,  out of sorts  and not appropriate. They don’t fit their clothing and their clothing doesn’t fit them.

Similarly, it is the spirit that makes a body come alive.  A body that is dead with no spirit in it, can’t move, can’t talk, can’t create, can’t move…has no life.

A dead body is just that, it is dead and without spirit to animate it.

When the body dies, the spirit exits. Therefore, the body has no life with the spirit gone. At death, the energy of the spirit exits the body.

The  spirit entering the body is what creates life.  Our body is the tool of our spirit. How our spirit expresses in our body is up to our spirit…

The eyes reveal the soul. The quality of the spirit shines through either the  light or the darkness in the eyes.  A spirit of evil will be revealed in the eyes and a spirit of good the same. 

We can either work with our spirit or against it as our spirit is expressed through our heart and mind into our body in every single choice that we make…. what we eat, if and how we move, if , when and what we say, what we choose to put on our body. What we choose to do, what we create, whom we love or if we do. If we choose bad or if we choose good, if we sin or not, if we choose evil or if we choose God. What we see and how we see it.  The spirit will  choose the body that will be able to express what it needs.  The desires of the flesh and the corruption of the mind can over take goodness. It’s choice.  The spirit will choose the appropriate body, heart and mind for the what it needs to experience on this earth and when the mission is accomplished the spirit will exit the body or when the body wears out, the spirit will exit.

It’s our spirit that gives our body life and our spirit comes and enters from God. Which spirit animating which body is God’s  decision. Which spirit that enters which body that will have the circumstances, choices, trials, joys, challenges, happiness, sadness, pain or pleasures is a union between spirit and God.  If the body, mind, heart and circumstances don’t seem to fit the needs of the spirit after trying to do so,  then it’s time to turn to God in prayer and guidance for asking and understanding.  The message of the spirit may need to become clearer or the body, mind and heart need to shift and change to match the guidance of the spirit.

It’s the spirit that fills the flesh of the body with life.

When the body dies, after living life with all its experiences and  imprints on earth, the spirit goes back to God… or to hell based on choices made while on earth. The body remains here on earth, as an empty shell of matter just like a dress taken off, tossed on the floor, it is lifeless.

Does your spirit fit your body? Does your body honor your spirit?

Body, mind and heart are the tools of the spirit… full of God given choice in each and every moment.

Look to the left and click to follow…

Kiss a Momma’s boy and you’re kissing a frog, the biggest ugliest one…

Oct10Stop9in the group of designated men not to date and certainly not to marry. Because this kind of disorder rarely corrects.There are many disordered men to avoid : men with addictions, men who lie, cheat, etc. But the mother controlled man is lethal, “mother-controlled monsters” is what I call them and they should be avoided at all costs. Don’t expect him to change, they rarely if ever do… and few if any really ever fully commit. Because they are committed and owned by their mother and, or other female members of their family. Many of these men have never been married.

Mother-complex

If a son becomes his mother’s partner emotionally, if a mother is weak and too dependent on her son, so that he feels responsible for her well-being, he may be unable to lovingly commit himself to another woman – Consequences of Mother – Son Triangulation… he will be his mother’s boy until she dies or even longer.

If in a relationship, and the woman has normal needs for nurturing and attention, he will not be able to fulfill her needs because he will feel trapped and smothered like he felt with his mother. So, he will shut down, get depressed, escape in anyway possible and, or criticize the woman for having normal needs. Men like this use escape as a way to live, fast cars, out in bars, extreme sports, toys, being reclusive, etc. They have an innate and deep fear of being trapped again by a woman, like they were or felt that they were by Momma.

Typical effects on the son of an overbearing, smothering, needy mother are homosexuality, Don Juanism, inability to commit, going from one woman to another, as he always finds something wrong with each woman. He’s searching for perfection in the woman and complete freedom for himself which does not exist in any woman or any relationship. He has an idealized image of a relationship that cannot be achieved and if achieved it would be all for his benefit and nothing for his partner. Sometimes, these men suffer with impotence [though here the father complex also plays a part]. In homosexuality, the son’s entire heterosexuality is tied to the mother in an unconscious form; in Don Juanism, he unconsciously seeks his mother in every woman he meets and in his mind no woman can match the love that he feels from his mother and if he does feel it, then he feels smothered and must escape. These men are always trying to escape their mother while they need/crave female love intensely. They are seeking the approval of Momma but when or if they get it, they sabotage, or run from it. And why they go from woman to woman searching, from one shiny thing to the next. Even if they found perfection, ‘ the perfect match or woman for them’ they would not recognize it as such and would, perhaps, even feel more smothered than ever, because they would have a more difficult time finding their excuse, justification and reason to escape.

Many of these men are severely disordered with multiple afflictions such as narcissist, (inability to feel love or joy), avoidant,  borderline, depression, hypochondriacs, sexual issues, addictions, perversions (as depicted in Shades of Grey) may escape into porn, overeating, are full of illusions and delusions about women, delusions of grandeur, emotionally and, or physically abusive and that may include withholding sexual expression.They don’t live in reality as it relates to the man woman connection. They don’t understand it because their perception is that of mother and child not man and woman. A man protects.A child needs protection.
No woman will be good enough for the little prince as deemed by Momma and in his subconscious  mind no woman will love him as well as his Momma did. So if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a man  with this disorder, RUN! Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how great you are, you will never be enough. He will forever run back into the arms of Momma avoiding and negating the responsibilities, comfort, pleasure of the love of a real woman in a genuine healthy relationship choosing his needy Momma’s hold on him.  His need is to remain a child with little to no responsibility. A man with all the man genes wants the responsibility of the woman he loves. He considers it an honor to provide and protect her. The man/child runs from it. Again a man protects. A child needs protection.

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as “avoidant” when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was “clingy,” for one example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

The goal of the study, published in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, was to address the widespread research debate on “avoidant attachment” — whether such behavior is due to innate personality traits, such as being more of a loner, or is a delayed reaction to unmet childhood needs. Dr. Dekel and Prof. Farber found that while both secure and avoidant individuals expressed a desire for intimacy in relationships, avoidant individuals are conflicted about this need due to the complicated parent-child dynamics they experienced when young.

Taking lessons from childhood – the premise of their study, says Dr. Dekel, is based on attachment theory, which posits that during times of stress, infants seek proximity to their caregivers for emotional support. However, if the parent is unresponsive or overly intrusive, the child learns to avoid their caregiver.

The researchers believe that adult relationships reflect these earlier experiences. When infantile needs are met in childhood, that person approaches adult relationships with more security, seeking intimacy, sharing, caring, and fun, says Dr. Dekel. The researchers labelled these relationships “two-adult” models, in which participants equally share desires with their partner. Avoidant individuals, however, are more likely to adopt an “infant-mother” intimacy model. Men who never grow up, who remain eternally a boy or son, not capable of becoming a man, a husband responsible for and to his wife.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. “Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm — give them unconditional love, including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues.” While what they give in return is criticism, escape and aloofness. So what they are after is a mother/son interaction, not a man/woman interaction. 

Hope for the commitment-phobic? It’s important to study this group further because beyond their severely diminished ability to conduct satisfying romantic relationships, they are also less happy in their lives and are more likely to suffer illnesses, depression, etc, than their secure counterparts, notes Dr. Dekel. Psychologists need a better understanding of what these insecure individuals need, perhaps through more sophisticated neurological studies, she suggests.

There is also the question of whether or not these attachment styles are permanent. Dr. Dekel believes that there are some experiences which can help people develop more secure relationship styles. Sometimes, a life trauma can shift these men out of their commitment disorder.

A boy learns about relationship with women primarily through his relationship with his mother and through observing his parent’s relationship. If there was conflict or emotional distance in his parents; relationship his emotional bond with his father may have  suffered. The boy may have emotionally bonded with his mother in a way that shut down his feeling capacity, which now continues to affect his masculine identity and sense of separate self. Or he observed his mother’s neediness controlling the father. The father may be weak and not able to stand strong, so the boy’s image of a man is that a woman can control a man and suffocate him. So he tries to ‘avoid’ that his whole life. Because he sees that image as being unmanly, while his reality is, he never comes into his full manhood. He remains an eternal child.

If the mother was emotionally unsupported by the father she may
have unwittingly used her son to get her emotional needs met as a substitute for her partner. The disappointment she felt in the father back then was felt by the son . In response the son aspired to be her perfect “little man” that would not let her down like his father did. The son’s heart is open at an early age and it’s natural for him to want to be the apple of his mother’s eye and fill her up with his love. He learned how to please his mother at the cost of his own needs being ignored.

He suffered from not being emotionally close to his father and yet part of him enjoyed his special relationship with his mother in his absence. It comes at a cost. The boy was unaware that he had been setup for an impossible job that he inevitably failed at. It was too much for a little boy to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother. She needed an adult man. The boy was in an emotional bind. He couldn’t be himself and be what (he imagined) his mother  wanted him to be. He unconsciously chose at a young age to fit in with her needs at the cost of his own.

The father was remiss in not providing a healthy parental relationship alongside the mother to allow the son to develop a healthy male identity. The boy cut off from his male power to fit in. A weak, distant or closed hearted father, an emotionally needy mother combined with the cultural images of masculinity encouraged the boy as he grew up to close his heart and disconnect from his feelings.

Relationship Attitudes from “Rape of the Heart”

In later life, the boy as a grown man may develop the following kind of attitudes:

  • He doesn’t feel he is enough. Deep down he feels he wasn’t enough for his mother, so as an adult man he doesn’t feel he is enough for his partner. He is sensitive to criticism as it challenges his male identity . He feels he needs to be perfect and it’s hard for him to admit when he makes a mistake in his relationship.
  • He is fearful of women getting upset. He can’t bear it when his partner is upset, partly because he feels he is responsible for his partner’s happiness. As a boy he felt he was the cause of his mother’s unhappiness. As a child he believed he was responsible and in control of his mother’s feelings through pleasing her.
  • He pleases women to avoid conflict. The man  learned to please women at the cost of his own needs. Women pick up straightaway when a man is pleasing them to avoid conflict. It feels inauthentic. The woman feels shut out from the man as his true feelings are hidden. She can’t feel his authentic male energy which frustrates her. She feels rejected and abandoned as she hears from him the message ,’You are too much’ .This is often how she felt as a child.
  • He feels overwhelmed by her needs. He feels burdened by having to meet his partner’s needs. He is unable to express his own needs as he unconsciously learned not to listen to his needs in order to meet his mother’s needs. Outwardly, it may seem like he has very few needs as he has repressed them.
  • He resents his partner’s needs. The man has an unconscious rage and resentment towards meeting his mother’s needs and he sees all women as his mother on some level.. He believes he is working hard in the relationship to do the right thing, yet he finds no matter what he does, he slips up. He forgets to tell his partner important things, or finds a way to rubbish his partner or the relationship in someway. If he is asked why he ignored her he probably isn’t in touch with his resentment.
  • He feels guilty. The man feels ambivalent about the relationship because of the unresolved feelings he had about loving his mother and feeling smothered.
  • He has repressed the hate which also represses his loving feelings. He may feel unworthy of his partner’s love and want to leave her in order to protect her from his dark feelings.
  • His life Energy is blocked. He represses his feelings and energy or he directs all his energy into work. Men push their feelings down yet keep going in a particular kind of hidden depression.
  •  Healing Process for ‘Rape of the Heart’… best possible outcome for a mother controlled commitment phobic, but this rarely occurs….

    A woman attracted to this kind of man needs to become aware of why she has been unconsciously attracted to a man with a closed heart and what she needs to heal from her past family experience.

    It’s great if both partners can work on this together as in what was there needing to be brought out in one another to themselves. We find that working with the relationship dynamic with both partners together is much more effective than individual counselling alone.

    Behavior Patterns Were Learned In The Past

    mother complexAttraction between partners in part comes from an unconscious fit of “unfinished business’ from each person’s early family. It’s sobering to realize that both partners have re-created their early family situation in the current relationship. Realizing this can give a major shift in perspective as he sees that relationships are an unconscious union that is providing  him now with the opportunity to work things through in order to become emotionally whole.

    Rather than blaming his partner for not being ,’his perfect parent’, he begins to see how he experiences what is going on now, through the eyes and feelings from the past. The recognition of the connection between how he experiences his relationship now and how he felt in his early family makes the unconscious conscious. This stops him being controlled by the past.

    For many men it can be difficult to even conceive that there is a connection between his partner and his mother. It can just seem like “psychobabble”. There can be an investment in protecting the image he has of his parents. He needs to balance that his parents did the best they could and their lack of relationship had an impact on him. It’s  worth looking at how the early  past pattern  affects how he relates with his partner now.

    He Manages His Fear

    He learns how to manage his fear of being emotionally overwhelmed. He discovers his partner is much more emotionally robust that he imagines. As an adult he doesn’t need to placate her for his survival . He may wish to contribute to her happiness yet he realizes that when she is upset it doesn’t mean that he has failed or that he needs to be over responsible. He is not responsible for her happiness.

    He Receives His Partner’s Emotional Flow

    He learns listen to her emotional flow without taking what she says too personally. He is able to discern what he needs to take responsibility for and what belongs to her past. He discovers how to hear what she is saying on a feeling level rather than get caught in rationality disconnected from feeling.

    He Makes Adjustments To His Attitudes And Behavior

    He realizes that his partner isn’t really wanting to criticize  or undermine him. What she is seeking is for her feelings to be received . She feels what needs attention in the relationship and needs him to make an adjustment/ – walk his talk rather than saying “sorry” and repeating the pattern.

    He Strengthens His Male Identity

    He learns that his partner can’t make or break him or take away his masculinity. From this realization he can be present and receive her when she is upset. He doesn’t need defend his male identity as it’s not under threat. He gets the support of other men to strengthen his male identity and reconnect to his masculinity.

    He Reconnects To His Feelings

    He discovers how to express his feelings and needs. He notices when he disconnects from his partner and learns how to manage his emotions intelligently so he can take a time-out without abandoning his partner.

    He Integrates His Dark Side

    What is emotionally repressed controls him. He includes his male wildness/ dark side constructively in ways that brings life energy and passion into the relationship. He expresses more range of feeling so there is room for love and for hate. He learns how to manage his vulnerability. He reconnects to feelings and opens his heart. In effect he chooses to be in relationship and comes from his core in his actions rather than acting in reaction to his mother.

    Conclusion

    It takes time and work to work on deep patterns. It’s a process rather than a quick fix. Relationship counselling provides a safe place to gain insights and explore what is going on in the relationship. It’s a powerful process of recognizing patterns learnt from the past, detoxifying resentments and gaining a new perspective on what the relationship is about. The felt experience of attending sessions and working things through in the sessions and between sessions leads to the couple feeling more connected to each other and better able to work things through together.

    I would like to acknowledge Nick Duffell and Helena Løvendal Sørensen at Creative Couplework for sharing some of the ideas expressed in this article. By

    Directly from the Bible – An unhealthy soul tie often develops when a young adult or older adult becomes solely dependent upon his or her parents.

    The problem is that many people are still bound by generational curses.  These are curses that have been passed down from one generational to the next.  The umbilical cord is still attached.  They are bound by their birth and early childhood experiences.  It is like that they are dragging a ball and chain around with them wherever they go.

    The umbilical card in this passage may also be a picture of unhealthy and ungodly soul ties.  Such ties are destructive to individuals.  These unhealthy attachments lead to anger, depression, and even at times to attempts of suicide or homicide

    ……Very few men with these issues ever get past them. It takes lots of courage and a willingness to dig really deep and become vulnerable. They must step out of their denial and most can’t achieve this. So to women who find themselves dealing with this disorder in a man, I say exit and learn about yourself as to why you were there in the first place. Then reconsider very carefully if you want to deal with a man with this kind of deep seated emotional disorder. If he is not willing to be committed to you  and to do the work needed, including being in counseling together, I say chances are, you will end up feeling like a door mat to his emotional dysfunction and inability to become a fully grown man. You will forever play the role of Momma and he will forever be a rebelling, escaping, run away, petulant boy. These men have no ability to love a woman because they are owned and controlled by their mother or her memory.  Always a son, never a man… a mother-controlled monster. They lack the self-confidence that most men develop in order to head a household, love their wife and exist on earth with a mostly positive  outlook. Their mother instilled insecurity in them, arrogance or both that conflict with their ability to become a whole integrated man.

    I once was in a relationship with a man, who had severe mother issues. I knew it when I first met him and I distanced myself from him for years. He had never been married. Then he re-entered my life, after his mother died, and I pondered, perhaps he had grown up.  He seemed different, ‘appeared’ like a grown, mature man, the first few months as he professed his undying love for me and we began planning a future. But he soon crumbled into the immature son of his mother. He will never be anything more. He drives his mother’s car and lives in her house in an isolated area.  He sits in a rocking chair looking at the view that his father created. He is assuming his mother’s life. His man facade crumbled  and he became like a negative, fearful, depressed, needy, pessimistic old woman. After telling me he will love me forever and was after me for years. He then tells me he will never marry and prefers being alone because he has had depression all his life, (signs of a chemical imbalance were strong.) He said he doesn’t like being around people for long and doesn’t think he could live with anyone. He is always the same and will never change. So he chooses to live alone in a house built by his mother and father, assuming their life as always  being a son,, never separating his identify and creating his own life.  Because of what occurred between his father, mother and him, along with other members in his family, he will be forever a son and never a man or husband. He will never know or experience the full love and life with a woman because he is too fearful to become a man and  he trashes every woman and relationship he has been in.

    I exited and what the final prompt was, when I wasn’t feeling well, and his comments to me were: “What’s your problem, you don’t have cancer.” ( his mother died of cancer) then he stated “You’re a grown woman and can take care of your own life.”   The clearest statement ever that he wanted no responsibility for a woman on  any level because he is a child and at the time was spending time working on his Momma’s house that he was now living in after her death. After I broke up with him and asked for the things I had left at his house. He left them at my front door with a note that said he didn’t want confrontation. Showing that he is a coward on top of it all. He doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions and the harm that he does to others because of his immaturity and disorder.

    I am a strong woman and highly independent and that is why he attracted to me in the first place. But we all have needs and need extra caring at times… and this man could not be consistent in this area of relationship interaction. He became resentful to have to put another’s needs before his own infantile ones. And infantile is the perfect adjective for these men. Selfish, narcissistic and childlike are some of the traits of a Momma’s boy.

    I then began learning how I could have  been attracted to him or thought he might change.

    Now, I get it. He was a challenge, He could be kind, loving and sweet then would turn critical and  cold. And when he became cold and depressed, it ripped at my heart, so I tried to help him and be more attentive when actually his behavior repulsed me, as does his over connection to his mother and also his sister. He would become like a whiny toddler, negative, depressed, pouting, complaining and criticizing of me, even paranoid and full of fear about the world and everyone and everything in his life or things even not in his life. When I would observe him sitting on my sofa, all that was missing was a pacifier.

    Momma’s boys are internal and eternal children, will never be men with full emotional capacity and do not know how to fully love a woman… they only love Momma, she owns him.

    Being with this child/man triggered my insecurity that I must be perfect and strong to be loved that had been imprinted on me from my Dad’s high expectations. This Momma’s boy  is a narcissist and I am an empath… so I was falling into codependency. But I am a ‘Daddy’s girl’ and my Dad was a strong, capable provider and protector. This man didn’t have these traits and wasn’t going to develop them,  or couldn’t pretend that he had them for long. He is a whiny, depressed Momma’s boy and thinks trucks, manly toys, climbing some mountain make him a man or temporarily feel like one, when he has no ability to be a man with a woman and this ability is what defines manhood.

    So why was I attracted? He, at first ‘appeared’ manly and he is a large man (false appearance)… and when he fell into being a boy… it triggered my male side imprinted on me by my Dad to carry on and fix things… and that is not the main roll I want in a relationship. I want to be the woman, not the man. I am a feminine womanly/woman and while I am strong and capable, I need and want a man who is manly and takes that role with vigor and pride, that of provider and protector. A man with all his  male genes intact knows that he provides a place for his woman to feel safe and to glow, she can then bestow on him all her caring, joy, nurturing and love…  and he values her place in his life above all others. If a man doesn’t value what you are giving to him, exit ladies. He isn’t worth your time. Any other way and it really does not work… as this was the way God intended it to be.

    After breaking up with him, I went into counseling and healed myself. I had hoped this man and I could heal together, but he refused to go to counseling together.  I don’t want to always have to be the strong one  and my strength is what attracted him, so he could rarely handle any weakness in me.  while I had to continually handle his. In fact, he vomited his neediness, insecurity , depression and lack onto me daily at the end of our relationship and the weight of his disorder made me feel ill physically and emotionally ill.

    I don’t need to be perfect to be loved and being codependent ravages the soul. I don’t want to be some man/child’s mother. GAG!  Talk about a sexual turn off. I deserve a man who can handle my weak side, that I can lean on when needed and is my soft place to fall and is there for me, or I would rather be alone… so, ta da!..  I am out of this Mommy boy dance … and sadly but  gladly said, ba bye!I had begun to pity and feel sorry for this emotionally stunted boy/man and that destroys love, respect and, of course, sex.

    I was a Daddy’s girl and my Dad was strong and capable and that is the only kind of man I will be with. This was my first and last ‘mother-controlled monster’… while I have had other men in my life with their fatal flaws and issues, they were all men and not ‘momma’s boys’.

    A ‘mother controlled monster’ should not be mistaken for a man who has an emotionally healthy respect and love for his mother and she him. This kind of man knows how to treat women, wants, is even honored to be a provider and protector to and for the woman he loves and is consistent in these actions and behaviors. He wants the honor of having a wife, puts her first in his life and defers to her, instead of his mother, sisters or any other female in his family. An emotionally stable mother wants to create emotionally independent children and wants her son to have a wife and to experience the joys of relationship.

    “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ”

    Genesis 2:24

In romantic relationship, is the closest you can get to the mother, father bond and it takes strength of emotions, and self integrity to walk through the healing and if your partner can’t do it then get out , heal and save yourself.

Look to the left and click to follow…