Category Archives: Romance

The best things in life are not things…

The best things in life are moments filled with feelings, emotions, sensations of being alive, the touch, the smile of someone you love, the embrace, the kiss, the hug. the warmth of someone you love.  The feel of the sun on your face. The cool wind on your skin. The sun glistening in the trees. The sound of music. The taste of your favorite food. The best things in life are feelings and emotions triggered by people and experiences that create wonderful memories. The best thing in life is to feel and experience our senses. God’s gift of being on earth is to experience love and joy… the real connection to self, to others and to the source… our maker.

Sure ‘things’ are part of living on earth, but they are not the reason… they are only to enhance, to give to others, and to make our life easier, and perhaps fun. Things are tools. Things are sofas to sit on, utensils to eat with.

I once went on a date with a man who loved expensive cars and owned many. On our first date, we had fun, he was attentive. We had a great conversation and dinner at a nice restaurant. I think he was driving a Mercedes that evening, but I didn’t care. I thought him a nice man. On our second date, he arrived in a Ferrari. It was pretty… but I have ridden and owned many great cars. A car is a car. A car is fun to drive. A car gets you from place to place, but it is a thing.  I was chatting as he drove down the tollway to our destination. He did not respond to me, but instead, stared straight at the rode.  I thought …’Umm this is bizarre’. He was not the friendly talkative man of our first date.

Turning into the parking lot of the restaurant,  another car turned too close to him and he sparked into anger with a comment to match. He parked his Ferrari  in a distant parking place to make certain no one could ding it.  At dinner, he kept looking out at his car, since we were by the window with a view of it.

After dinner, on our way to the movie, he was overly focused on his driving and was not talkative. So, I inquired. “Are you okay?  You seem preoccupied?” To which he snapped, when I drive this car, I focus on my driving. It’s my baby. It’s worth thus and so. It’s an investment. I only take it out occasionally.

I responded. “So, why did you drive it tonight, to impress me?”

He, “Sure, did. And I did, didn’t I?  I knew you would look great in this car.”

Me, “Actually no. It’s a nice car. But it’s our second date and your focus is on the car and not me. I would rather your attention have been on me, on our getting to know one another, instead of a car,or how I look in your car.”

He, ” Well, well, well…I thought you would like riding in a Ferrari.”

Me, “We had a great first date. I thought you nice and interesting. I have been in a Ferrari before, in fact, several times.. They are nice cars, but your attention is on it, not me, or us getting to know one another. So, why don’t you and your car continue the date and take me home.”

He, “But I like you. I really like you. You are beautiful, smart and fun.”

Me, “But your attention tonight is on your car. So please take me home and be with your car.”

He asked me out several times after that evening and I declined. This self-centered materialistic man was shocked by my response concerning his ‘car’. He had no idea how to impress much less connect with a woman like me, or really any woman, unless she’s a gold digger and as materialistic a woman as he is a man. And did this fool think so little of women that he thought he could ‘buy’ or ‘lure’ me into liking him with his ‘things’.  How little he must think of himself.

As I stated previously, cars are fun, but people are what matter most.  When people put things before people, they have a distortion in their spirit, soul and, of course, their life. This man showed me early on that ‘his things’ matter more than interacting with me and in his distorted mind, he thought I would like him, or be impressed with a car so much that I would, what? Like him for and because of his car… Ha! His things defined him. He’s fractured with no real inner core. It’s like people such as this are anchored to a reality defined by their ‘things’… instead of their internal core. People such as this often view people as things and treat them as such… as in the trophy wife… and that is how I felt with him. He liked me because he liked the way I looked in his car. He gave no value to who I am inside only that my exterior fit with his  false and fake ‘image’ of self. His concern wasn’t with me, my feelings, my emotions, or getting to really know me… but to show his car off to me. And therefore, show his car and me, off to others… as in ‘his image’ was what was important to him. His image as it related to ‘things’.

It’s one ‘thing’ to enjoy things…quite another to place them where people ought be in  your life.

His placement of value was seriously misplaced.  I never saw him again and he didn’t understand why. Later, I interacted with some people who knew him, actually who had worked for him. (Funny how that happens.) I learned that even though successful,  he was the worst boss they had ever had and one man quit his job because of him. This man of ‘things’ lives in a house worth millions, gated and well-guarded. Has a garage full of expensive, collectible cars and lives alone. He was married once years ago. She had an affair and left him. (He told me this on our first date and poor him, he was so hurt when she did that and he didn’t understand why she did.) He is a hard-hearted money grubbing executive, no one could stand working with, or, for him. He retired early and is alone with his things.  Who knows what happened to make this man so inhuman, fractured, unfeeling and cold. What happened to him that he has no self worth, unless it is connected to money and things? And he’s so far gone now, no one could/would care, except a woman just like him or a gold-digger. But he wouldn’t really share his things with her. He’s too selfish  and self-centered. 

I enjoy things, pretty furniture, antiques, art, jewelry, clothes and yes, cars, too. But nothing comes before people and certainly not before someone I love.

Things are to enhance life not to replace people or to become a life.

 

 

Kiss a Momma’s boy and you’re kissing a frog, the biggest ugliest one…

Oct10Stop9in the group of designated men not to date and certainly not to marry. Because this kind of disorder rarely corrects.There are many disordered men to avoid : men with addictions, men who lie, cheat, etc. But the mother controlled man is lethal, “mother-controlled monsters” is what I call them and they should be avoided at all costs. Don’t expect him to change, they rarely if ever do… and few if any really ever fully commit. Because they are committed and owned by their mother and, or other female members of their family. Many of these men have never been married.

Mother-complex

If a son becomes his mother’s partner emotionally, if a mother is weak and too dependent on her son, so that he feels responsible for her well-being, he may be unable to lovingly commit himself to another woman – Consequences of Mother – Son Triangulation… he will be his mother’s boy until she dies or even longer.

If in a relationship, and the woman has normal needs for nurturing and attention, he will not be able to fulfill her needs because he will feel trapped and smothered like he felt with his mother. So, he will shut down, get depressed, escape in anyway possible and, or criticize the woman for having normal needs. Men like this use escape as a way to live, fast cars, out in bars, extreme sports, toys, being reclusive, etc. They have an innate and deep fear of being trapped again by a woman, like they were or felt that they were by Momma.

Typical effects on the son of an overbearing, smothering, needy mother are homosexuality, Don Juanism, inability to commit, going from one woman to another, as he always finds something wrong with each woman. He’s searching for perfection in the woman and complete freedom for himself which does not exist in any woman or any relationship. He has an idealized image of a relationship that cannot be achieved and if achieved it would be all for his benefit and nothing for his partner. Sometimes, these men suffer with impotence [though here the father complex also plays a part]. In homosexuality, the son’s entire heterosexuality is tied to the mother in an unconscious form; in Don Juanism, he unconsciously seeks his mother in every woman he meets and in his mind no woman can match the love that he feels from his mother and if he does feel it, then he feels smothered and must escape. These men are always trying to escape their mother while they need/crave female love intensely. They are seeking the approval of Momma but when or if they get it, they sabotage, or run from it. And why they go from woman to woman searching, from one shiny thing to the next. Even if they found perfection, ‘ the perfect match or woman for them’ they would not recognize it as such and would, perhaps, even feel more smothered than ever, because they would have a more difficult time finding their excuse, justification and reason to escape.

Many of these men are severely disordered with multiple afflictions such as narcissist, (inability to feel love or joy), avoidant,  borderline, depression, hypochondriacs, sexual issues, addictions, perversions (as depicted in Shades of Grey) may escape into porn, overeating, are full of illusions and delusions about women, delusions of grandeur, emotionally and, or physically abusive and that may include withholding sexual expression.They don’t live in reality as it relates to the man woman connection. They don’t understand it because their perception is that of mother and child not man and woman. A man protects.A child needs protection.
No woman will be good enough for the little prince as deemed by Momma and in his subconscious  mind no woman will love him as well as his Momma did. So if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a man  with this disorder, RUN! Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how great you are, you will never be enough. He will forever run back into the arms of Momma avoiding and negating the responsibilities, comfort, pleasure of the love of a real woman in a genuine healthy relationship choosing his needy Momma’s hold on him.  His need is to remain a child with little to no responsibility. A man with all the man genes wants the responsibility of the woman he loves. He considers it an honor to provide and protect her. The man/child runs from it. Again a man protects. A child needs protection.

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as “avoidant” when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was “clingy,” for one example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

The goal of the study, published in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, was to address the widespread research debate on “avoidant attachment” — whether such behavior is due to innate personality traits, such as being more of a loner, or is a delayed reaction to unmet childhood needs. Dr. Dekel and Prof. Farber found that while both secure and avoidant individuals expressed a desire for intimacy in relationships, avoidant individuals are conflicted about this need due to the complicated parent-child dynamics they experienced when young.

Taking lessons from childhood – the premise of their study, says Dr. Dekel, is based on attachment theory, which posits that during times of stress, infants seek proximity to their caregivers for emotional support. However, if the parent is unresponsive or overly intrusive, the child learns to avoid their caregiver.

The researchers believe that adult relationships reflect these earlier experiences. When infantile needs are met in childhood, that person approaches adult relationships with more security, seeking intimacy, sharing, caring, and fun, says Dr. Dekel. The researchers labelled these relationships “two-adult” models, in which participants equally share desires with their partner. Avoidant individuals, however, are more likely to adopt an “infant-mother” intimacy model. Men who never grow up, who remain eternally a boy or son, not capable of becoming a man, a husband responsible for and to his wife.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. “Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm — give them unconditional love, including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues.” While what they give in return is criticism, escape and aloofness. So what they are after is a mother/son interaction, not a man/woman interaction. 

Hope for the commitment-phobic? It’s important to study this group further because beyond their severely diminished ability to conduct satisfying romantic relationships, they are also less happy in their lives and are more likely to suffer illnesses, depression, etc, than their secure counterparts, notes Dr. Dekel. Psychologists need a better understanding of what these insecure individuals need, perhaps through more sophisticated neurological studies, she suggests.

There is also the question of whether or not these attachment styles are permanent. Dr. Dekel believes that there are some experiences which can help people develop more secure relationship styles. Sometimes, a life trauma can shift these men out of their commitment disorder.

A boy learns about relationship with women primarily through his relationship with his mother and through observing his parent’s relationship. If there was conflict or emotional distance in his parents; relationship his emotional bond with his father may have  suffered. The boy may have emotionally bonded with his mother in a way that shut down his feeling capacity, which now continues to affect his masculine identity and sense of separate self. Or he observed his mother’s neediness controlling the father. The father may be weak and not able to stand strong, so the boy’s image of a man is that a woman can control a man and suffocate him. So he tries to ‘avoid’ that his whole life. Because he sees that image as being unmanly, while his reality is, he never comes into his full manhood. He remains an eternal child.

If the mother was emotionally unsupported by the father she may
have unwittingly used her son to get her emotional needs met as a substitute for her partner. The disappointment she felt in the father back then was felt by the son . In response the son aspired to be her perfect “little man” that would not let her down like his father did. The son’s heart is open at an early age and it’s natural for him to want to be the apple of his mother’s eye and fill her up with his love. He learned how to please his mother at the cost of his own needs being ignored.

He suffered from not being emotionally close to his father and yet part of him enjoyed his special relationship with his mother in his absence. It comes at a cost. The boy was unaware that he had been setup for an impossible job that he inevitably failed at. It was too much for a little boy to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother. She needed an adult man. The boy was in an emotional bind. He couldn’t be himself and be what (he imagined) his mother  wanted him to be. He unconsciously chose at a young age to fit in with her needs at the cost of his own.

The father was remiss in not providing a healthy parental relationship alongside the mother to allow the son to develop a healthy male identity. The boy cut off from his male power to fit in. A weak, distant or closed hearted father, an emotionally needy mother combined with the cultural images of masculinity encouraged the boy as he grew up to close his heart and disconnect from his feelings.

Relationship Attitudes from “Rape of the Heart”

In later life, the boy as a grown man may develop the following kind of attitudes:

  • He doesn’t feel he is enough. Deep down he feels he wasn’t enough for his mother, so as an adult man he doesn’t feel he is enough for his partner. He is sensitive to criticism as it challenges his male identity . He feels he needs to be perfect and it’s hard for him to admit when he makes a mistake in his relationship.
  • He is fearful of women getting upset. He can’t bear it when his partner is upset, partly because he feels he is responsible for his partner’s happiness. As a boy he felt he was the cause of his mother’s unhappiness. As a child he believed he was responsible and in control of his mother’s feelings through pleasing her.
  • He pleases women to avoid conflict. The man  learned to please women at the cost of his own needs. Women pick up straightaway when a man is pleasing them to avoid conflict. It feels inauthentic. The woman feels shut out from the man as his true feelings are hidden. She can’t feel his authentic male energy which frustrates her. She feels rejected and abandoned as she hears from him the message ,’You are too much’ .This is often how she felt as a child.
  • He feels overwhelmed by her needs. He feels burdened by having to meet his partner’s needs. He is unable to express his own needs as he unconsciously learned not to listen to his needs in order to meet his mother’s needs. Outwardly, it may seem like he has very few needs as he has repressed them.
  • He resents his partner’s needs. The man has an unconscious rage and resentment towards meeting his mother’s needs and he sees all women as his mother on some level.. He believes he is working hard in the relationship to do the right thing, yet he finds no matter what he does, he slips up. He forgets to tell his partner important things, or finds a way to rubbish his partner or the relationship in someway. If he is asked why he ignored her he probably isn’t in touch with his resentment.
  • He feels guilty. The man feels ambivalent about the relationship because of the unresolved feelings he had about loving his mother and feeling smothered.
  • He has repressed the hate which also represses his loving feelings. He may feel unworthy of his partner’s love and want to leave her in order to protect her from his dark feelings.
  • His life Energy is blocked. He represses his feelings and energy or he directs all his energy into work. Men push their feelings down yet keep going in a particular kind of hidden depression.
  •  Healing Process for ‘Rape of the Heart’… best possible outcome for a mother controlled commitment phobic, but this rarely occurs….

    A woman attracted to this kind of man needs to become aware of why she has been unconsciously attracted to a man with a closed heart and what she needs to heal from her past family experience.

    It’s great if both partners can work on this together as in what was there needing to be brought out in one another to themselves. We find that working with the relationship dynamic with both partners together is much more effective than individual counselling alone.

    Behavior Patterns Were Learned In The Past

    mother complexAttraction between partners in part comes from an unconscious fit of “unfinished business’ from each person’s early family. It’s sobering to realize that both partners have re-created their early family situation in the current relationship. Realizing this can give a major shift in perspective as he sees that relationships are an unconscious union that is providing  him now with the opportunity to work things through in order to become emotionally whole.

    Rather than blaming his partner for not being ,’his perfect parent’, he begins to see how he experiences what is going on now, through the eyes and feelings from the past. The recognition of the connection between how he experiences his relationship now and how he felt in his early family makes the unconscious conscious. This stops him being controlled by the past.

    For many men it can be difficult to even conceive that there is a connection between his partner and his mother. It can just seem like “psychobabble”. There can be an investment in protecting the image he has of his parents. He needs to balance that his parents did the best they could and their lack of relationship had an impact on him. It’s  worth looking at how the early  past pattern  affects how he relates with his partner now.

    He Manages His Fear

    He learns how to manage his fear of being emotionally overwhelmed. He discovers his partner is much more emotionally robust that he imagines. As an adult he doesn’t need to placate her for his survival . He may wish to contribute to her happiness yet he realizes that when she is upset it doesn’t mean that he has failed or that he needs to be over responsible. He is not responsible for her happiness.

    He Receives His Partner’s Emotional Flow

    He learns listen to her emotional flow without taking what she says too personally. He is able to discern what he needs to take responsibility for and what belongs to her past. He discovers how to hear what she is saying on a feeling level rather than get caught in rationality disconnected from feeling.

    He Makes Adjustments To His Attitudes And Behavior

    He realizes that his partner isn’t really wanting to criticize  or undermine him. What she is seeking is for her feelings to be received . She feels what needs attention in the relationship and needs him to make an adjustment/ – walk his talk rather than saying “sorry” and repeating the pattern.

    He Strengthens His Male Identity

    He learns that his partner can’t make or break him or take away his masculinity. From this realization he can be present and receive her when she is upset. He doesn’t need defend his male identity as it’s not under threat. He gets the support of other men to strengthen his male identity and reconnect to his masculinity.

    He Reconnects To His Feelings

    He discovers how to express his feelings and needs. He notices when he disconnects from his partner and learns how to manage his emotions intelligently so he can take a time-out without abandoning his partner.

    He Integrates His Dark Side

    What is emotionally repressed controls him. He includes his male wildness/ dark side constructively in ways that brings life energy and passion into the relationship. He expresses more range of feeling so there is room for love and for hate. He learns how to manage his vulnerability. He reconnects to feelings and opens his heart. In effect he chooses to be in relationship and comes from his core in his actions rather than acting in reaction to his mother.

    Conclusion

    It takes time and work to work on deep patterns. It’s a process rather than a quick fix. Relationship counselling provides a safe place to gain insights and explore what is going on in the relationship. It’s a powerful process of recognizing patterns learnt from the past, detoxifying resentments and gaining a new perspective on what the relationship is about. The felt experience of attending sessions and working things through in the sessions and between sessions leads to the couple feeling more connected to each other and better able to work things through together.

    I would like to acknowledge Nick Duffell and Helena Løvendal Sørensen at Creative Couplework for sharing some of the ideas expressed in this article. By

    Directly from the Bible – An unhealthy soul tie often develops when a young adult or older adult becomes solely dependent upon his or her parents.

    The problem is that many people are still bound by generational curses.  These are curses that have been passed down from one generational to the next.  The umbilical cord is still attached.  They are bound by their birth and early childhood experiences.  It is like that they are dragging a ball and chain around with them wherever they go.

    The umbilical card in this passage may also be a picture of unhealthy and ungodly soul ties.  Such ties are destructive to individuals.  These unhealthy attachments lead to anger, depression, and even at times to attempts of suicide or homicide

    ……Very few men with these issues ever get past them. It takes lots of courage and a willingness to dig really deep and become vulnerable. They must step out of their denial and most can’t achieve this. So to women who find themselves dealing with this disorder in a man, I say exit and learn about yourself as to why you were there in the first place. Then reconsider very carefully if you want to deal with a man with this kind of deep seated emotional disorder. If he is not willing to be committed to you  and to do the work needed, including being in counseling together, I say chances are, you will end up feeling like a door mat to his emotional dysfunction and inability to become a fully grown man. You will forever play the role of Momma and he will forever be a rebelling, escaping, run away, petulant boy. These men have no ability to love a woman because they are owned and controlled by their mother or her memory.  Always a son, never a man… a mother-controlled monster. They lack the self-confidence that most men develop in order to head a household, love their wife and exist on earth with a mostly positive  outlook. Their mother instilled insecurity in them, arrogance or both that conflict with their ability to become a whole integrated man.

    I once was in a relationship with a man, who had severe mother issues. I knew it when I first met him and I distanced myself from him for years. He had never been married. Then he re-entered my life, after his mother died, and I pondered, perhaps he had grown up.  He seemed different, ‘appeared’ like a grown, mature man, the first few months as he professed his undying love for me and we began planning a future. But he soon crumbled into the immature son of his mother. He will never be anything more. He drives his mother’s car and lives in her house in an isolated area.  He sits in a rocking chair looking at the view that his father created. He is assuming his mother’s life. His man facade crumbled  and he became like a negative, fearful, depressed, needy, pessimistic old woman. After telling me he will love me forever and was after me for years. He then tells me he will never marry and prefers being alone because he has had depression all his life, (signs of a chemical imbalance were strong.) He said he doesn’t like being around people for long and doesn’t think he could live with anyone. He is always the same and will never change. So he chooses to live alone in a house built by his mother and father, assuming their life as always  being a son,, never separating his identify and creating his own life.  Because of what occurred between his father, mother and him, along with other members in his family, he will be forever a son and never a man or husband. He will never know or experience the full love and life with a woman because he is too fearful to become a man and  he trashes every woman and relationship he has been in.

    I exited and what the final prompt was, when I wasn’t feeling well, and his comments to me were: “What’s your problem, you don’t have cancer.” ( his mother died of cancer) then he stated “You’re a grown woman and can take care of your own life.”   The clearest statement ever that he wanted no responsibility for a woman on  any level because he is a child and at the time was spending time working on his Momma’s house that he was now living in after her death. After I broke up with him and asked for the things I had left at his house. He left them at my front door with a note that said he didn’t want confrontation. Showing that he is a coward on top of it all. He doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions and the harm that he does to others because of his immaturity and disorder.

    I am a strong woman and highly independent and that is why he attracted to me in the first place. But we all have needs and need extra caring at times… and this man could not be consistent in this area of relationship interaction. He became resentful to have to put another’s needs before his own infantile ones. And infantile is the perfect adjective for these men. Selfish, narcissistic and childlike are some of the traits of a Momma’s boy.

    I then began learning how I could have  been attracted to him or thought he might change.

    Now, I get it. He was a challenge, He could be kind, loving and sweet then would turn critical and  cold. And when he became cold and depressed, it ripped at my heart, so I tried to help him and be more attentive when actually his behavior repulsed me, as does his over connection to his mother and also his sister. He would become like a whiny toddler, negative, depressed, pouting, complaining and criticizing of me, even paranoid and full of fear about the world and everyone and everything in his life or things even not in his life. When I would observe him sitting on my sofa, all that was missing was a pacifier.

    Momma’s boys are internal and eternal children, will never be men with full emotional capacity and do not know how to fully love a woman… they only love Momma, she owns him.

    Being with this child/man triggered my insecurity that I must be perfect and strong to be loved that had been imprinted on me from my Dad’s high expectations. This Momma’s boy  is a narcissist and I am an empath… so I was falling into codependency. But I am a ‘Daddy’s girl’ and my Dad was a strong, capable provider and protector. This man didn’t have these traits and wasn’t going to develop them,  or couldn’t pretend that he had them for long. He is a whiny, depressed Momma’s boy and thinks trucks, manly toys, climbing some mountain make him a man or temporarily feel like one, when he has no ability to be a man with a woman and this ability is what defines manhood.

    So why was I attracted? He, at first ‘appeared’ manly and he is a large man (false appearance)… and when he fell into being a boy… it triggered my male side imprinted on me by my Dad to carry on and fix things… and that is not the main roll I want in a relationship. I want to be the woman, not the man. I am a feminine womanly/woman and while I am strong and capable, I need and want a man who is manly and takes that role with vigor and pride, that of provider and protector. A man with all his  male genes intact knows that he provides a place for his woman to feel safe and to glow, she can then bestow on him all her caring, joy, nurturing and love…  and he values her place in his life above all others. If a man doesn’t value what you are giving to him, exit ladies. He isn’t worth your time. Any other way and it really does not work… as this was the way God intended it to be.

    After breaking up with him, I went into counseling and healed myself. I had hoped this man and I could heal together, but he refused to go to counseling together.  I don’t want to always have to be the strong one  and my strength is what attracted him, so he could rarely handle any weakness in me.  while I had to continually handle his. In fact, he vomited his neediness, insecurity , depression and lack onto me daily at the end of our relationship and the weight of his disorder made me feel ill physically and emotionally ill.

    I don’t need to be perfect to be loved and being codependent ravages the soul. I don’t want to be some man/child’s mother. GAG!  Talk about a sexual turn off. I deserve a man who can handle my weak side, that I can lean on when needed and is my soft place to fall and is there for me, or I would rather be alone… so, ta da!..  I am out of this Mommy boy dance … and sadly but  gladly said, ba bye!I had begun to pity and feel sorry for this emotionally stunted boy/man and that destroys love, respect and, of course, sex.

    I was a Daddy’s girl and my Dad was strong and capable and that is the only kind of man I will be with. This was my first and last ‘mother-controlled monster’… while I have had other men in my life with their fatal flaws and issues, they were all men and not ‘momma’s boys’.

    A ‘mother controlled monster’ should not be mistaken for a man who has an emotionally healthy respect and love for his mother and she him. This kind of man knows how to treat women, wants, is even honored to be a provider and protector to and for the woman he loves and is consistent in these actions and behaviors. He wants the honor of having a wife, puts her first in his life and defers to her, instead of his mother, sisters or any other female in his family. An emotionally stable mother wants to create emotionally independent children and wants her son to have a wife and to experience the joys of relationship.

    “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ”

    Genesis 2:24

In romantic relationship, is the closest you can get to the mother, father bond and it takes strength of emotions, and self integrity to walk through the healing and if your partner can’t do it then get out , heal and save yourself.

Look to the left and click to follow…

Shades of Grey = dysfunction, not sexy, damage, boring, bland, blah!

nightshirtpolkadots1I didn’t read the book, but saw the movie…

All it was is a depiction of a damaged child/man who can’t connect in love, therefore,  uses control and domination through sex  to make himself feel. He projects his damage and pain through punishment onto women in order to escape his own.

It was more sad than sexy. In fact, nothing about it was sensual or sexy. There are more and more people  today who are damaged as this man is depicted, who can’t look at self long enough to heal, who go from person to person focusing on sexuality for escape, thrill and the high and even when given the chance at connecting with a loving person is too emotionally damaged and fearful of becoming vulnerable to connect.

Love,  passion and commitment are what makes sex, sexy. Sure games can be fun and taking it to individual fantasies and edges can be exciting on occasion, but that in itself means nothing and lasts less than that.  Most mature adults recognize and understand this, immature, inexperienced youth won’t and don’t and some will see this movie as ‘cool’ showing things to try before they are emotionally and sexually developed which can then lead to distorting their perceptions of sex and love.

I found nothing sexy about this movie. I found it pretty boring and blah. The actors while attractive had no chemistry and that is another aspect that makes sex, sexy… chemistry along with personality.

To me, this was a psychological study of an emotionally damaged man.

At least, in the movie, she left him. I think so anyway. I exited to the ladies’ room several times, I was so bored.  But he soiled an inexperienced and pure person to his perversions.

Now, what would have made it interesting is, had love been able to break through his damage and pain, to break him open to real love. But he was too damaged, weak and fearful,  just like some in the world  who can’t commit and focus on sex, instead of  love, emotions and feelings.

I have no idea what all the ‘to do’ was about this story. I found it mundanely  dull. I know that’s redundant but so was the movie.

Why women like it, might it be that the thought, idea and fantasy of a ‘powerful/successful’ man taking control in the bedroom, and, or in their life, might be appealing because now days,  so many men  seem to have lost their manhood and are looking for a mother. And a man looking for a mother has no sex appeal. But in actuality,  the  sad, damaged man in the movie needed to be mothered, in orde,r to heal and possibly be able to love.

In a real enduring relationship, each person plays all the roles of male/female respectively…  as in intimacy, healing, growth, vulnerablity, empathy, strength, weakness, sex, sensuality, child, parent, teacher, student, lead, follower, depending on time, place and circumstance, etc..

Nothing is more sensual and sexy than an emotionally strong man who can take control in the bedroom, but ‘control’ is a shared two-way experience and a man who is too weak and insecure to let a woman take the lead to balance out the experiences is not sexy for long.

In my opinion, there were not many shades of grey in this movie, there was only one and it was blah!

What inspires you to love?

TreeAnn6Is it beauty, fun, kindness? Is it sex, liking the samethings, or experiences shared? Is it commonalities, differences, or the energy you feel when you are with the person? Is it their actions, words, or that their words and actions match? Is it consistancy, compatiblity, tension or comfort?

Is it inconsistancy, uncertainty, excitement, thrill,  or danger?

Different things attract  the inspiration to love. Some of the attractions are healthy and some not. Sometimes, it’s a mixture of the good and the bad? Some people think they love someone when they feel like they felt with their parents or caregivers. They attract to the familiarity of whatever they experienced then, so it ‘feels’ like love, ‘like home’, when perhaps, it isn’t. It’s just familiar, like a habit, but  it’s what ‘feels’ comfortable, like an old shoe and so they think it’s love.

If the past was healthy and nurturing that is great, but if it was one of discord, addictions or dyfunction, not so great. Those imprinted patterns are difficult to break and they can guide either to goodness or destruction.

So, ponder what inspires you to love and attracts you to someone as it’s the basis of the relationship, its journey, its joys, its pain, its success, its harm, or failure.

“But does he who loves someone on account of beauty really love that person? No; for the small-pox, which will kill beauty without killing the person, will cause him to love her no more.

And if one loves me for my judgment, memory, he does not love me, for I can lose these qualities without losing myself. Where, then, is this Ego, if it be neither in the body nor in the soul? And how love the body or the soul, except for these qualities which do not constitute me, since they are perishable? … We never, then, love a person, but only qualities.”  Blaise Pascal’s “Pensees”

The above is an example of shallow love…

We all lose our ‘qualities’ eventually  and when we do, is when we will know if we are loved and if we love.

The awareness, blessing and grace to love without the distraction of qualities and traits is  a genuine gift and if we love sincerely love  will  eventually evolve into this.

What attracts you to love someone? Ever really thought about it deeply, beyond the face, figure, abs, smile, etc?

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

Oscar Wilde

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I am a juicy, sensual, feeling, sexy…

AJulybed2c4romantic creature. I am a woman… 

I am soft, alluring on the outside, but strong and resilient on the inside just enough to be able to protect myself.

A woman’s body is softness and curves… she is about feelings, emotions, nurturing, caring and love…

Show a feminine magnificence the highest of your manly traits and she ‘might’ bestow her feminine gifts on you…

A woman needs a man to be a man and that is strong on the outside with just enough softness on the inside to know compassion, caring and love.

“I am intrigued by glamorous women . . . A vain woman is continually taking out a compact to repair her makeup. A glamorous woman knows she doesn’t need to.” Clark Gable

Hey! And by Gable’s quote, I am glamorous, too. I don’t wear face make-up, so certainly don’t need a compact. Ha!

I am a woman… a glorious woman! And I am capable of an intimate, passionate relationship… Are you?

Abusive men, Muslim men and other oppressive, insecure, immature, hateful and so disposed characters… don’t know what they are missing until and unless they learn how to treat a real w-o-m-a-n… I’ll say it again… Woman!

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Do all people have the ability to love?

???????????????????????????????And if someone can’t love, doesn’t know how, isn’t able, or capable… can you, should you try to love them? Love isn’t a mood, a pretty face, blond hair, a sports car, a bank account, or a rockin bod, etc… 

When you describe love as a ‘mood’, or anything else other than a deep sincere emotion then you are describing a superficial love. Love is a deep emotion… and some can’t feel real emotions at all, and some ‘fake’ their feelings for their gain.

Some profess love way too fast…
before there is actually any possibility that it could be felt…and many who do this, fall in and out of ‘love’ as if it were ‘luving’ the current fad. They fall in ‘luv’ with the way a woman looks, or her body and a woman falls in ‘luv’ with a man’s ‘appearance’ of ‘power.’ It’s insincere and only their mood, or attraction at the time. This kind of person can be dangerous to those with the real ability to love…they try to and can actually suck love out of a sincere loving person… and nothing about fast ‘luv’ is love. It’s actually predator-like and derives from lack, agenda and possibly even evil intent…
 

Too many people suppress or escape emotions… being emotionally real and honest is rare these days… but we are sentient beings and to deny who we are is to deny self and what we are put on earth for, which is too feel, express emotions and to experience. And some in the world can’t handle others’ emotions because they can’t handle their own. They are the walking dead… no sincere passion, no reality, can’t love, can’t sincerely express , or see truth because they are so false unto themselves and who they really are… so when the first blush of attraction is gone… so is their ‘luv’…

Of course, as a caring, loving human being some of us can love the unlovable, but it is wise to do so from a distance. In a romantic relationship, trying to love someone who can’t love you in return leads to nothing, but pain and despair.

Those people who have the ability to fake emotions and to not really feel them who knows why exactly?  Was it something that happened to them in childhood, or somewhere in their life, or were they born that way?

A man once told me that when he was younger that he would tell girls that he loved them. ” I love you.”, very powerful words. So needy girls would feel ‘loved’ for a bit and give him what he wanted…’sex with no attachment’ on his part. He chuckled while telling me this. He was a man who while handsome and charming had no ability to love. He didn’t feel loved, so he knew the intense power of the desire to feel so, and he used this power over others to control them. He was damaged and he damaged others by telling them what they needed and wanted to hear to get what he wanted. He had no love for anyone including himself. He was afraid of love and actually afraid of women, so he kept them at arm’s length and manipulated and used them.

Some talk of ‘forever’ when it is premature and superficial. The words, ‘forever’, ‘love’, and ‘soulmate’ … can be meaningful only when used in sincerity and too many these days use them flippantly and to manipulate for their own feelings of power and control.

If Tom Hanks or Cruise can say it in some ‘stupid’ (while entertaining) romantic comedy… any guy with half a brain can do the same. The “You complete me.” line that Cruise ‘acted’… how many times has that been used? This line was ‘scripted’ for affect, it didn’t come from the heart in a moment of depth and passion in real life.

I have been told by many men that I am the kind of woman that they want to have on their arm. Now, what does that mean ‘exactly’? It means that it makes them feel good to have what they ‘consider’ a ‘catch’ on their arm. It has nothing to do with me, or my well-being, or caring about ‘me’. It’s about them and what ‘they feel like’, or ‘want and need’ to feel like for their weak egos. Men like this are dangerous for women who can love… as they use and exploit for their needs. Men like this are selfish, self-serving and ego driven…

A man once told me that men go for the best, most attractive girl that they ‘think’ they can attain.. or they ‘think’ they ‘may’ have a chance with, a chance of ‘scoring’ with on some level… But most men quickly back off when thwarted in their attempt while after a woman… again it’s that fragile male ego.  But real, sincere, enduring love can’t be thwarted. You hear the stories of the man who wouldn’t give up until the woman said yes. I am not talking anything creepy here, like stalking. I am talking strong pursuit, when a man really has the ability to love … Think of the character depicted in the movie THE NOTEBOOK.. that movie depicted an example of a man who could love, felt it deeply and acted on it.

Strong, worthy men will go after what they desire…and those with love in their heart… will stay on that path and not be sidetracked by some ‘honey’ of a distraction to feed their ego.

Some women use flattery and sexy ways to lure a man in, when all they want to do is to use him. Both sexes do this to one another… the ones who can’t love and who can only ‘fake it’…as in ‘prostituted’… they usually can’t love and don’t like sex… so they ‘fake’ it… there are more ‘prostitute’ types around than many realize in both sexes. They are the damaged ones and they are out to damage others…

Do you think many people have the ability to really love another? Most all of us desire and want love. So, why is it that it seems and appears that so many have no idea what it is?

Children learn what love is from their parents. I believe this to be gospel and it derives from the parents love and commitment to each another This is a child’s first example. When some people only have children for themselves and their selfish needs, how can a child feel loved, or even learn what love is? They can’t. And this is manifested out into our world with every action and choice. Look at what is being manifested into our world today… overly overt sexuality that has nothing to do with love, people having children with no commitment to them, or to one another.

Ladies! No man will love you, or treat you better than you love or treat yourself.
And sex is not love… in its finest, it is one ‘expression of love in the physical form’ and it can produce life…the greatest gift of love that there is. So, when you diminish sex … love becomes diminished in you…

To be able to love is a great blessing… to be able to feel love, to give love and to be loved in return is the greatest gift one can possess. The ability to love comes from within and is built on respect, commitment and trust of self then to others and this comes from parenting the child along with their internal ‘God-given’ makeup. And if you weren’t parented well, you can learn to re-parent yourself. Treat yourself as the precious person you are… and act accordingly…

You can’t have love without commitment… and those who really love not only know this, but desire it…

“When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” – Tim Keller

Remember it’s in his love that Christ gave his life for you… and he turned away from those he could not touch…

Do you know what love is and feels like? Can you love? Do you love? Are you loved? Have you ever felt love, deeply, sincerely and truly? Do all people have the ability to love, or do only a few have that capacity?

The man is the frame and the woman…

the work of art that fills up the frame…Or the woman is the picture that the frame surrounds and displays…

A frame standing alone is empty and rather uninteresting, isn’t it? But add a piece of art and it shines and is defined….as both are enhanced and displayed…

Of course, it’s nice, if the frame and art complement one another, or actually they may contrast. It all depends on the taste level and desire…  as they define one another in one aspeView of Mount Marseilleveyre and the Isle of Maire, c.1882-85 Giclee Printct or another. The right frame can make a work of art stand out and the right piece of art surrounded by the complementing frame allows the frame be noticed and succeed in what it’s been created for and to become more than it is as it supports, protects, and displays the work of art…when otherwise, it wouldn’t or couldn’t….it would just hang, or sit there empty and not fulfilled, possibly barely noticed….

A picture can stand alone without a frame… but to anchor it to the room, or the environment, it is better protected and displayed surrounded by a complementary frame. The ‘right’ frame can even propel it forward to become all that it is and could ever be….

Alone they are fine, but together they have the opportunity and potential to shine, enhance a space, even to glorify one another….

A frame can be put around a mirror, a work of art, a piece of junk, or a prized possession A modern frame can be around a Renaissance piece and an antique frame can surround a contemporary, or abstract work of art. It all depends on the environment and the desire behind what is to be accomplished in the goal of their mating and partnerships. … it’s a marriage of art and its display.

Now to frame a mirror is quite interesting in that it reflects all that passes before it…

If a frame is cracked, damaged, or becomes weak in its joints and even falls to the ground, the art may be damaged….

But the art can be damaged and if the frame is sturdy, the piece can remain in tact… until, the frame is changed to another more worthy work of art.

A frame can almost be like an accompanying work of art itself, but if it over powers the artwork its purpose will be flawed. Where as a work of art has less of a chance of becoming a frame because that is not its purpose and it might tear it apart, take away from, even destroy its beauty to try to be something that it is not…

Frames are a dime a dozen… a work of art rare… 

When a frame finds its work of art… it is best served to hold it strongly, wisely and with honor… and when a work of art finds its complementing frame … WOW! as there is nothing better than a perfectly frame work of art. It’s magic!  

A man is the frame and the woman is what fills and fulfills the frame. A frame needs its work of art to become and a work of art needs the support of a frame to shine…and just like with a man and a woman, the art is what is more readily observed and admired not the frame…

Ever realized or noticed that people always look to the woman first in a couple and then the man. They first view the woman then look to the man to see if he is worthy of her. Does she have the right frame?…

Think about it…
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(And yes, I understand men that a man can be observed and it can be wondered what is he doing with that woman…)

A woman desires to see a reflection of…

???????????????????????????????appreciation in a man’s eyes… and a man desires even ‘needs’ to see a reflection of appreciation in a woman’s…

This is the ultimate balance of the male and female and what most all desire, wish and strive for… to have stimulation, excitement, comfort and wholeness… but most of all appreciation…

When this is achieved and balance is there, at least, most all of the time… respect, trust, peace and a true contentment can be experienced through security of both…

A woman’s ‘base need’ is security and that is achieved through respect and trust.. that she is loved for herself and appreciated and admired for who she is along with her innate nurturing abilities. When she feels secure and appreciated, she is then safe to become more of who she is… to be all and bestow her gifts on her man.

A man’s ‘base need’ is to be ‘the hero’ … a protector, in charge and in control of his life’s direction… and to know that he is appreciated for his efforts. When he does this and feels appreciated, he is then free to achieve and be more of who he is…

As in this balance of the innate male/female needs and desires being achieved …. contentment is not only possible, but from which derives joy and bliss.., and when there, nothing is better …

The feminine and masculine in their highest purpose are the perfect reflection of one another..

Agree or not?

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Okay women! What do you want in a man?…Bad boys, or good?

???????????????????????????????I get many inquiries from men who are apparently frustrated concerning this issue. They state women ‘say’ that they want a nice, kind, sensitive, and caring man, but are attracted to and choose the mean, irresponsible ones who treat them badly. Men are commenting that women say one thing, but really want something else… the ‘bad boys’…

So, I will state ‘some’ of the things that attract me to a man, but not necessarily in order of importance. And these things ‘attract’ me, but if he doesn’t stay this way… he will lose me fast…

He puts me first in his life before work, sports, hobbies, his buddies or anything else. That he genuinely likes me, ‘gets’ me and respects me even when we have our differences. That I feel ‘beautiful’ around him even with dirty hair or after working out, or if I have a cold… I never get colds, but if I did. Or okay, if I am feeling under the weather, grumpy or fat…

That he be punctual, has his life in order, knows what he wants and where he is going. No addictions, as in alcohol, drugs, etc. That he keeps his body in shape… likes to have fun, laugh and play like a child, but can also be serious, intellectual and deep.  That we have a similar sense of humor and style…

That he makes me feel treasured, valued, cared for and safe… that he respects what I offer him as a woman and values my femininity.

That he respects women in general and shows this by his actions, not just ???????????????????????????????words…lip service sucks.

That he be romantic. I am a flowers, jewelry kind of girlie type, but am also athletic and a ‘Tom boy’. He appreciates my moods and all my dimensions and realizes that I am ‘one of a kind’. That he has morals, standards, ethics and self-awareness. That he is true to me and only me and values the sanctity of a relationship.

That he is sensual, sexy and passionate and knows what this ‘really’ entails. He knows sex (he’s a grown up, not a boy in this regard)is only ‘one’ way of expressing affection…an important one, but if other aspects aren’t in place… it will die a certain death.

That he is physically active in some form and energetic… that he respects that I might dislike some of the things that he enjoys and that’s okay with him. That we have time alone and together.  That he recognizes that I am an individual and so is he… we are not joined at the hip, but bonded out of love and commitment.

He has manners, is well-spoken and has good teeth. He is successful in his life endeavors and career. He is financially successful enough for me… I don’t pay for dates or financially support a man. In my opinion, any man who expects or allows this is not a man…

That we share some life goals and he is supportive of mine…

While we all have our particular likes and dislikes concerning the opposite sex…. this is a bit of what I appreciate in a man..

But none of it matters, if the chemistry isn’t there. Chemistry is key and  the glue that holds it all together…

A personal story: I was once married to a man… where I put most all the deposit down on our house that was filled with mostly all my furniture. I cared for his young daughter, cooked, worked-out, ran errands, planned entertainment, decorated, ran the house and made his life good. I stood by him during a lawsuit from his ex. That he won because of me and what a great step-mom I was. I gave up our honeymoon so that he pursue protecting his child. He did not buy my clothing or much else and all he did was criticize me. He didn’t want me to workout or to work and he sabotaged anything that I wanted to do. Nothing I did was good enough for him, while really, truth be known, he wasn’t good enough for me… if you get the drift? He was controlling. He was arrogant, lazy and all about himself. He was fearful that he would lose me and he did.

???????????????????????????????We divorced. And I was so happy when he was out of my life. You see, he tried to diminish and control me all the while I was being kind as I cared for him and his daughter. Instead of supporting me, while I supported him, his work, his daughter and his life…he put me down…

But I ‘wonder’ what he (lied) told other women about me after the divorce? Get where I am going with this??? He ‘thought’ he gave me everything and he gave me nothing. I felt alone the whole marriage. After he won me over, put a big ring on my finger and we were married … the fun and attentiveness stopped and he became a jerk. And I stopped caring about him and getting away from him was all I wanted…

If a man doesn’t enhance my life and make it better… why would I want him? I wouldn’t! I don’t!!! I am the prize and if he doesn’t feel that way then why would I make him ‘my’ priority? I wouldn’t and don’t…

So men… are some of you, perhaps, at times, misreading and mis-telling how you interacted with your lady that you ‘now’ complain, you gave so much to? HUH? Really think about it honestly!

Okay women! Let’s tell men what attracts us to them and keeps us happy and content. Apparently, many men don’t know and would like to understand…

To sum it up… I like a good guy with a little bit of ‘bad’, enough to make it interesting… HA!

And I come first and if I don’t l am gone…