Category Archives: Relationships

Responsibility…

Definition of responsibility – the quality or state of being responsible: such as moral, legal or mental accountability reliabilitytrustworthiness:  something for which one is responsible. To be responsible is to respond, to honor, to be trustworthy – to live to a higher standard.

 Responsibility is an important key to living a moral, happy, content and peaceful life – to be responsible makes for a productive and fulfilling life. When there is awareness then it’s time for responsibility which includes accountability to understand and to either accept, change or break against. Otherwise, you will be stuck and blocked in blame, denial and defensiveness which lead to more of the same. Everyone has issues and trauma in their lives in some form and to continue to use them as an excuse for lack of responsibility and accountability is immaturity. When you know why you behave in a way or think as you do that creates stress and pain in yourself and others and you don’t change it – that is being irresponsible.          

Those without responsibility to self and to others live a lost life. All of us are accountable and there are consequences in life for lack of responsibility and accountability. If you don’t pay your car payment, it will be repossessed. If you don’t pay your utility bills, they will be turned off. If a man is not responsible to and for his wife and her to him – best if done in equal parts – the marriage will fail.

I was overly responsible in my marriages and it lead to destruction. When one person shoulders all the responsibility in a partnership or relationship – the burden becomes too much – balance is impaired and weakness seeps in. Sure at times, one may need to shoulder more responsibly because of circumstances. If you aren’t responsible to your children, family and live a responsible life – it will all fall apart – they will leave – become unruly with a sense of lack, direction and ultimately failure.

Everything worthwhile and of value in life comes from commitment and responsibility to that commitment. And that includes healing of your emotional self. Fears and limits set by imprints and beliefs are often illusions. It’s your responsibility to self to shift in order to live your highest life.

The best things in life are not things…

The best things in life are moments filled with feelings, emotions, sensations of being alive, the touch, the smile of someone you love, the embrace, the kiss, the hug. the warmth of someone you love.  The feel of the sun on your face. The cool wind on your skin. The sun glistening in the trees. The sound of music. The taste of your favorite food. The best things in life are feelings and emotions triggered by people and experiences that create wonderful memories. The best thing in life is to feel and experience our senses. The best thing in life is communication. God’s gift of being on earth is to experience love and joy… the real connection to self, to others and to the source… our maker.

Sure ‘things’ are part of living on earth, but they are not the reason… they are only to enhance, to give to others, and to make our life easier, and perhaps, fun. Things are tools. Things are sofas to sit on, utensils to eat with.

I once went on a date with a man who loved expensive cars and owned many. On our first date, we had fun, he was attentive. We had a great conversation and dinner at a nice restaurant. I think he was driving a Mercedes that evening, but I didn’t care. I thought him a nice man. On our second date, he arrived in a Ferrari. It was pretty… but I have ridden in and owned many great cars. A car is a car. A car is fun to drive. A car gets you from place to place, but it is a thing.  I was chatting as he drove down the tollway to our destination. He did not respond to me, but instead, stared straight at the rode.  I thought …’Umm this is bizarre’. He was not the friendly talkative man of our first date.

Turning into the parking lot of the restaurant,  another car turned too close to him and he sparked into anger with a comment to match. He parked his Ferrari  in a distant parking place to make certain no one could ding it.  At dinner, he kept looking out at his car, since we were by the window with view of it.

After dinner, on our way to the movie, he was overly focused on his driving and was not talkative. So, I inquired. “Are you okay?  You seem preoccupied?” To which he snapped, when I drive this car, I focus on my driving. It’s my baby. It’s worth thus and so. It’s an investment. I only take it out occasionally.

I responded. “So, why did you drive it tonight, to impress me?”

He, “Sure, did. And I did, didn’t I?  I knew you would look great in this car.”

Me, “Actually no. It’s a nice car. But it’s our second date and your focus is on the car and not me. I would rather your attention have been on me, on our getting to know one another, instead of a car,or how I look in your car.”

He, ” Well, well, well…ummm, I thought you would like riding in a Ferrari.”

Me, “We had a great first date. I thought you nice and interesting. I have been in a Ferrari before, in fact, several times.. They are nice cars, but your attention is on it, not me, or us getting to know one another. So, why don’t you and your car continue the date and take me home.”

He, “But I like you. I really like you. You are beautiful, smart and fun.”

Me, “But your attention tonight is on your car. So please take me home and be with your car.”

He asked me out several times after that evening and I declined. This self-centered materialistic man was shocked by my response concerning his ‘car’. He had no idea how to impress much less connect with a woman like me, or really any woman, unless she’s a gold digger and as materialistic a woman as he is a man. And did this fool think so little of women that he thought he could ‘buy’ or ‘lure’ me into liking him with his ‘things’.  How little he must think of himself.

As I stated previously, cars are fun, but people are what matter most.  When people put things before people, they have a distortion in their spirit, soul and, of course, their life. This man showed me early on that ‘his things’ matter more than interacting with me and in his distorted mind, he thought I would like him, or be impressed with a car so much that I would, what? Like him for and because of his car… Ha! His things defined him. He’s fractured with no real inner core. It’s like people such as this are anchored to a reality defined by their ‘things’… instead of their internal core. People such as this often view people as things and treat them as such… as in the trophy wife… and that is how I felt with him. He liked me because he liked the way I looked in his car. He gave no value to who I am inside only that my exterior fit with his  false and fake ‘image’ of self. His concern wasn’t with me, my feelings, my emotions, or getting to really know me… but to show his car off to me. And therefore, show his car and me, off to others… as in ‘his image’ was what was important to him. His image as it related to ‘things’.

It’s one ‘thing’ to enjoy things…quite another to place them where people ought be in  your life.

His placement of value was seriously misplaced.  I never saw him again and he didn’t understand why. Later, I interacted with some people who knew him, actually who had worked for him. (Funny how that happens.) I learned that even though successful,  he was the worst boss they had ever had and one man quit his job because of him. This man of ‘things’ lives in a house worth millions, gated and well-guarded. Has a garage full of expensive, collectible cars and lives alone. He was married once years ago. She had an affair and left him. (He told me this on our first date and poor him, he was so hurt when she did that and he didn’t understand why she did.) He is a hard-hearted money grubbing executive, no one could stand working with, or, for him. He retired early and is alone with his things.  Who knows what happened to make this man so inhuman, fractured, unfeeling and cold. What happened to him that he has no self worth, unless it is connected to money and things? And he’s so far gone now, no one could/would care, except a woman just like him or a gold-digger. But he wouldn’t really share his things with her. He’s too selfish  and self-centered. 

I enjoy things, pretty furniture, antiques, art, jewelry, clothes and yes, cars, too. But nothing comes before people and certainly not before someone I love.

Things are to enhance life, not to replace people, or to become a life.

 

 

Negative People….

negative5Remaining positive in a tough situation can be difficult, but the outlook you choose can affect every aspect of life. Positive and negative people have very different attitudes, thoughts and ways of dealing with their circumstances.

To keep negative energy out of your life, be aware of these common traits of negative people… not all negative people will have all these traits but they will have many of them.  You will see a trend in their way of looking at and dealing with the world.

Negative people kill the souls of others, destroy the happiness in life, and definitely ruin fun times. Destroyers of  hope and joy… they are full of fear, insecurity  and become defensive when called out on their behavior. They will tend to project it back onto the one calling them out. They dodge responsibility. They have been damaged in their past and refuse either out of denial, fear or ignorance to look at themselves, their mind set, and from where it derives.

Block their negativity from your life. Block their trying to kill your happiness and joy. Some of these people seep into your life unnoticed, under the guise of ‘caring’ and ‘friendship’ … but what their motives are is to suck off your life energy for as long as you will allow them to… then when you need some energy from them, they either give it half-baked, while even making you feel worse in their subtle way of negativity, are not there for you at all or you will end up feeling worse than you would have were they not there at all.

If allowed they can and will bring you into  the abynegative4ss of their negativity.  Misery loves company. They are not genuinely happy so they can’t be supportive or genuinely happy for others. They may utter supportive words, at times, but if you listen with your gut, instead of your ears, their words will not feel sincere.  Even the words ‘ I love you’ will feel empty and some can utter that phrase as easily as saying thank you… which is a sure sign of insincerity.

Negative People are Afraid of Change –  Negative people tend to fear change. Even if they aren’t happy with their current circumstances, instead of thinking “things could get better,” they believe that change is always for the worst. They are too afraid of losing what they have to let it go so that they can gain more. So they may stay in stagnant or  bad situations because they are afraid of change while they complain all the time about their situation.

A positive person welcomes change and is always open to new experiences.

Negative People Aren’t Grateful – Negative people are so focused on the negative that they are blinded to the positive things that surround them. They don’t show gratitude toward their friends or family members, and they take their blessings —  like their job, home and health — for granted.

Positive people recognize their blessings and show gratitude for what they have.

Negative People Don’t Sincerely or Genuinely Care About Others – Negative people aren’t concerned with hurting anyone’s feelings. They are too focused on themselves to worry about someone else, even the people that care about them. If the conversation isn’t focused on them, there’s no real interest. negative

A positive person is always open to making new friends, and they enjoy making others happy.

 Negative People Blame Others for Their Mistakes – A negative person doesn’t like to admit when they’re wrong. Even when it’s clear that they’ve made a mistake, a negative person will blame others for something that is really their fault. They will not apologize, or if they do it will feel insincere. Some cry at the drop of a hat to get them out of responsibility or to make others feel sorry for them. Negative people enjoy playing the martyr.

A positive person takes responsibility for mistakes and failures.

negative3Negative People Believe the World Revolves Around Them – A negative person believes that the world owes them something. They think that if they’re having a bad day, which is more often than not, everyone else should cater to them. They let their negative feelings and poor attitude drive them on a daily basis. They are self-absorbed.

A positive person is able to put the needs of others before his or her own.

 Negative People Don’t Apologize – “I’m sorry” is a phrase that negative people avoid even dread. They see apologizing as a weakness. It means admitting that they were wrong. While a positive person is quick to apologize for hurting others, a negative person will do almost anything to avoid an apology even cry to illicit pity for themselves… oh poor pitiful them.

A positive person is able to admit when they’re wrong and apologize sincerely.

 Negative People Focus on Personal Gain – Negative people are willing to step on everyone around them if it boosts their success. They are concerned with their own personal gain and will do anything that benefits them, despite who it hurts in the process.

A positive person would never put someone else down in order to get ahead.

Negative People Enjoy Seeing Others Fail – Negative people don’t root for anyone, even if it’s a family member or a friend. When someone else experiences success, a negative person becomes jealous and bitter. They may give lip service to another’s good but they really don’t feel it… what they feel is envy.

A positive person is sincerely happy to see others succeed.

Negative People Can’t Accept Constructive Criticism – Constructive criticism can be hard to take, but it’s often necessary in order to learn and grow. A negative person hates to be criticized. Even if someone is trying to help them, they become closed off and they see criticism as a threat.

A positive person welcomes constructive criticism, seeing it as a learning opportunity.

Negative People Think They Know Everything – A negative person sees learning something new as a sign of weakness. They like to act like they are already an expert in every subject, instead of taking the time to truly expand their knowledge.

A positive person always strives to learn something new.

negative2Negative People Aren’t Compassionate – A negative person will never be a shoulder to cry on. If friends or family members ask for help, a negative person won’t be able to cheer them up. They’ll likely point out even more negatives in a situation or start talking about their own sorry life and issues.  A negative person will never be a soft place to fall.

A positive person is able and willing to cheer someone up when they’re feeling down.

Negative People Aren’t Willing to Work for Change – Negative people aren’t happy with their situation, but they also aren’t willing to work to change anything. A positive person knows they have to work for what they want, while a negative person would rather sit around and mope than put in any effort.

A positive person sets goals and works hard to achieve them.

Negative people are usually immature and insecure.

I have a ‘friend’ that would often comment to me that just being around me makes them feel happier and that I calm them.  That they like my energy.  They would also say that they don’t have any friends.  I usually felt drained and stressed after being around them. I tried to be a good friend… I would invite them to dinner, cook a nice meal because according to them they have such a stressful busy life with job and family. They whined all the time about all the stress in their life.

Then it was my time to need some extra attention. And when it was, they were an hour late, came in stressed and dithered. I immediately felt the usual stress energy around and coming from them  and it made me feel worse and this was when I needed to feel nurtured and calm. They talked about themselves, how stressed and  hurried they were to get to my house. They drank almost a whole bottle of wine while yammering on and did things I did not want nor ask them to do.  What they decided to do what more important than what I needed. Their concern was that they take a bath… while I was feeling neglected and that they were being put upon. I detested being around them so I came into myself and calmed myself down that night.

negative6The next day, I addressed how their behaviors made me feel… and they whined that they went out of their way for me even saying that I made them cry. It was a pathetic display… but showed me clearly what needed to be revealed.

My eyes were opened. This person is too negative and consumed with self to  clearly see me, help, me, genuinely care for me, be a shoulder for me,  because when I asked for and  needed nurturing and solid energy, they had none to give… they made it all about their self.

I, therefore, honored myself and my ability to stay centered and to calm and nurture myself… with God’s grace and help. I pulled forever away from this person,  keeping them at arm’s length as an acquaintance, never to have expectations of reciprocation…  nor need of it… as they have not the ability.  Lesson learned…

There are positive and negative energies on this planet. It’s what keeps it afloat, rocking and rolling along… all of us will have negative people, things and experiences in our lifetime. It’s how we address them that either brings us back to center and to be mostly positive or keeps us captured in the evil throes of negativity.  It’s our choice which energy that drives us. I choose the positive … the positive light of God. I choose joy!

“In optimism there is magic. In pessimism there is nothing.”
Look to the left and click to follow…

Kiss a Momma’s boy and you’re kissing a frog, the biggest ugliest one…

Oct10Stop9in the group of designated men not to date and certainly not to marry. Because this kind of disorder rarely corrects.There are many disordered men to avoid : men with addictions, men who lie, cheat, etc. But the mother controlled man is lethal, “mother-controlled monsters” is what I call them and they should be avoided at all costs. Don’t expect him to change, they rarely if ever do… and few if any really ever fully commit. Because they are committed and owned by their mother and, or other female members of their family. Many of these men have never been married.

Mother-complex

If a son becomes his mother’s partner emotionally, if a mother is weak and too dependent on her son, so that he feels responsible for her well-being, he may be unable to lovingly commit himself to another woman – Consequences of Mother – Son Triangulation… he will be his mother’s boy until she dies or even longer.

If in a relationship, and the woman has normal needs for nurturing and attention, he will not be able to fulfill her needs because he will feel trapped and smothered like he felt with his mother. So, he will shut down, get depressed, escape in anyway possible and, or criticize the woman for having normal needs. Men like this use escape as a way to live, fast cars, out in bars, extreme sports, toys, being reclusive, etc. They have an innate and deep fear of being trapped again by a woman, like they were or felt that they were by Momma.

Typical effects on the son of an overbearing, smothering, needy mother are homosexuality, Don Juanism, inability to commit, going from one woman to another, as he always finds something wrong with each woman. He’s searching for perfection in the woman and complete freedom for himself which does not exist in any woman or any relationship. He has an idealized image of a relationship that cannot be achieved and if achieved it would be all for his benefit and nothing for his partner. Sometimes, these men suffer with impotence [though here the father complex also plays a part]. In homosexuality, the son’s entire heterosexuality is tied to the mother in an unconscious form; in Don Juanism, he unconsciously seeks his mother in every woman he meets and in his mind no woman can match the love that he feels from his mother and if he does feel it, then he feels smothered and must escape. These men are always trying to escape their mother while they need/crave female love intensely. They are seeking the approval of Momma but when or if they get it, they sabotage, or run from it. And why they go from woman to woman searching, from one shiny thing to the next. Even if they found perfection, ‘ the perfect match or woman for them’ they would not recognize it as such and would, perhaps, even feel more smothered than ever, because they would have a more difficult time finding their excuse, justification and reason to escape.

Many of these men are severely disordered with multiple afflictions such as narcissist, (inability to feel love or joy), avoidant,  borderline, depression, hypochondriacs, sexual issues, addictions, perversions (as depicted in Shades of Grey) may escape into porn, overeating, are full of illusions and delusions about women, delusions of grandeur, emotionally and, or physically abusive and that may include withholding sexual expression.They don’t live in reality as it relates to the man woman connection. They don’t understand it because their perception is that of mother and child not man and woman. A man protects.A child needs protection.
No woman will be good enough for the little prince as deemed by Momma and in his subconscious  mind no woman will love him as well as his Momma did. So if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a man  with this disorder, RUN! Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how great you are, you will never be enough. He will forever run back into the arms of Momma avoiding and negating the responsibilities, comfort, pleasure of the love of a real woman in a genuine healthy relationship choosing his needy Momma’s hold on him.  His need is to remain a child with little to no responsibility. A man with all the man genes wants the responsibility of the woman he loves. He considers it an honor to provide and protect her. The man/child runs from it. Again a man protects. A child needs protection.

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as “avoidant” when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was “clingy,” for one example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

The goal of the study, published in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, was to address the widespread research debate on “avoidant attachment” — whether such behavior is due to innate personality traits, such as being more of a loner, or is a delayed reaction to unmet childhood needs. Dr. Dekel and Prof. Farber found that while both secure and avoidant individuals expressed a desire for intimacy in relationships, avoidant individuals are conflicted about this need due to the complicated parent-child dynamics they experienced when young.

Taking lessons from childhood – the premise of their study, says Dr. Dekel, is based on attachment theory, which posits that during times of stress, infants seek proximity to their caregivers for emotional support. However, if the parent is unresponsive or overly intrusive, the child learns to avoid their caregiver.

The researchers believe that adult relationships reflect these earlier experiences. When infantile needs are met in childhood, that person approaches adult relationships with more security, seeking intimacy, sharing, caring, and fun, says Dr. Dekel. The researchers labelled these relationships “two-adult” models, in which participants equally share desires with their partner. Avoidant individuals, however, are more likely to adopt an “infant-mother” intimacy model. Men who never grow up, who remain eternally a boy or son, not capable of becoming a man, a husband responsible for and to his wife.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. “Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm — give them unconditional love, including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues.” While what they give in return is criticism, escape and aloofness. So what they are after is a mother/son interaction, not a man/woman interaction. 

Hope for the commitment-phobic? It’s important to study this group further because beyond their severely diminished ability to conduct satisfying romantic relationships, they are also less happy in their lives and are more likely to suffer illnesses, depression, etc, than their secure counterparts, notes Dr. Dekel. Psychologists need a better understanding of what these insecure individuals need, perhaps through more sophisticated neurological studies, she suggests.

There is also the question of whether or not these attachment styles are permanent. Dr. Dekel believes that there are some experiences which can help people develop more secure relationship styles. Sometimes, a life trauma can shift these men out of their commitment disorder.

A boy learns about relationship with women primarily through his relationship with his mother and through observing his parent’s relationship. If there was conflict or emotional distance in his parents; relationship his emotional bond with his father may have  suffered. The boy may have emotionally bonded with his mother in a way that shut down his feeling capacity, which now continues to affect his masculine identity and sense of separate self. Or he observed his mother’s neediness controlling the father. The father may be weak and not able to stand strong, so the boy’s image of a man is that a woman can control a man and suffocate him. So he tries to ‘avoid’ that his whole life. Because he sees that image as being unmanly, while his reality is, he never comes into his full manhood. He remains an eternal child.

If the mother was emotionally unsupported by the father she may
have unwittingly used her son to get her emotional needs met as a substitute for her partner. The disappointment she felt in the father back then was felt by the son . In response the son aspired to be her perfect “little man” that would not let her down like his father did. The son’s heart is open at an early age and it’s natural for him to want to be the apple of his mother’s eye and fill her up with his love. He learned how to please his mother at the cost of his own needs being ignored.

He suffered from not being emotionally close to his father and yet part of him enjoyed his special relationship with his mother in his absence. It comes at a cost. The boy was unaware that he had been setup for an impossible job that he inevitably failed at. It was too much for a little boy to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother. She needed an adult man. The boy was in an emotional bind. He couldn’t be himself and be what (he imagined) his mother  wanted him to be. He unconsciously chose at a young age to fit in with her needs at the cost of his own.

The father was remiss in not providing a healthy parental relationship alongside the mother to allow the son to develop a healthy male identity. The boy cut off from his male power to fit in. A weak, distant or closed hearted father, an emotionally needy mother combined with the cultural images of masculinity encouraged the boy as he grew up to close his heart and disconnect from his feelings.

Relationship Attitudes from “Rape of the Heart”

In later life, the boy as a grown man may develop the following kind of attitudes:

  • He doesn’t feel he is enough. Deep down he feels he wasn’t enough for his mother, so as an adult man he doesn’t feel he is enough for his partner. He is sensitive to criticism as it challenges his male identity . He feels he needs to be perfect and it’s hard for him to admit when he makes a mistake in his relationship.
  • He is fearful of women getting upset. He can’t bear it when his partner is upset, partly because he feels he is responsible for his partner’s happiness. As a boy he felt he was the cause of his mother’s unhappiness. As a child he believed he was responsible and in control of his mother’s feelings through pleasing her.
  • He pleases women to avoid conflict. The man  learned to please women at the cost of his own needs. Women pick up straightaway when a man is pleasing them to avoid conflict. It feels inauthentic. The woman feels shut out from the man as his true feelings are hidden. She can’t feel his authentic male energy which frustrates her. She feels rejected and abandoned as she hears from him the message ,’You are too much’ .This is often how she felt as a child.
  • He feels overwhelmed by her needs. He feels burdened by having to meet his partner’s needs. He is unable to express his own needs as he unconsciously learned not to listen to his needs in order to meet his mother’s needs. Outwardly, it may seem like he has very few needs as he has repressed them.
  • He resents his partner’s needs. The man has an unconscious rage and resentment towards meeting his mother’s needs and he sees all women as his mother on some level.. He believes he is working hard in the relationship to do the right thing, yet he finds no matter what he does, he slips up. He forgets to tell his partner important things, or finds a way to rubbish his partner or the relationship in someway. If he is asked why he ignored her he probably isn’t in touch with his resentment.
  • He feels guilty. The man feels ambivalent about the relationship because of the unresolved feelings he had about loving his mother and feeling smothered.
  • He has repressed the hate which also represses his loving feelings. He may feel unworthy of his partner’s love and want to leave her in order to protect her from his dark feelings.
  • His life Energy is blocked. He represses his feelings and energy or he directs all his energy into work. Men push their feelings down yet keep going in a particular kind of hidden depression.
  •  Healing Process for ‘Rape of the Heart’… best possible outcome for a mother controlled commitment phobic, but this rarely occurs….

    A woman attracted to this kind of man needs to become aware of why she has been unconsciously attracted to a man with a closed heart and what she needs to heal from her past family experience.

    It’s great if both partners can work on this together as in what was there needing to be brought out in one another to themselves. We find that working with the relationship dynamic with both partners together is much more effective than individual counselling alone.

    Behavior Patterns Were Learned In The Past

    mother complexAttraction between partners in part comes from an unconscious fit of “unfinished business’ from each person’s early family. It’s sobering to realize that both partners have re-created their early family situation in the current relationship. Realizing this can give a major shift in perspective as he sees that relationships are an unconscious union that is providing  him now with the opportunity to work things through in order to become emotionally whole.

    Rather than blaming his partner for not being ,’his perfect parent’, he begins to see how he experiences what is going on now, through the eyes and feelings from the past. The recognition of the connection between how he experiences his relationship now and how he felt in his early family makes the unconscious conscious. This stops him being controlled by the past.

    For many men it can be difficult to even conceive that there is a connection between his partner and his mother. It can just seem like “psychobabble”. There can be an investment in protecting the image he has of his parents. He needs to balance that his parents did the best they could and their lack of relationship had an impact on him. It’s  worth looking at how the early  past pattern  affects how he relates with his partner now.

    He Manages His Fear

    He learns how to manage his fear of being emotionally overwhelmed. He discovers his partner is much more emotionally robust that he imagines. As an adult he doesn’t need to placate her for his survival . He may wish to contribute to her happiness yet he realizes that when she is upset it doesn’t mean that he has failed or that he needs to be over responsible. He is not responsible for her happiness.

    He Receives His Partner’s Emotional Flow

    He learns listen to her emotional flow without taking what she says too personally. He is able to discern what he needs to take responsibility for and what belongs to her past. He discovers how to hear what she is saying on a feeling level rather than get caught in rationality disconnected from feeling.

    He Makes Adjustments To His Attitudes And Behavior

    He realizes that his partner isn’t really wanting to criticize  or undermine him. What she is seeking is for her feelings to be received . She feels what needs attention in the relationship and needs him to make an adjustment/ – walk his talk rather than saying “sorry” and repeating the pattern.

    He Strengthens His Male Identity

    He learns that his partner can’t make or break him or take away his masculinity. From this realization he can be present and receive her when she is upset. He doesn’t need defend his male identity as it’s not under threat. He gets the support of other men to strengthen his male identity and reconnect to his masculinity.

    He Reconnects To His Feelings

    He discovers how to express his feelings and needs. He notices when he disconnects from his partner and learns how to manage his emotions intelligently so he can take a time-out without abandoning his partner.

    He Integrates His Dark Side

    What is emotionally repressed controls him. He includes his male wildness/ dark side constructively in ways that brings life energy and passion into the relationship. He expresses more range of feeling so there is room for love and for hate. He learns how to manage his vulnerability. He reconnects to feelings and opens his heart. In effect he chooses to be in relationship and comes from his core in his actions rather than acting in reaction to his mother.

    Conclusion

    It takes time and work to work on deep patterns. It’s a process rather than a quick fix. Relationship counselling provides a safe place to gain insights and explore what is going on in the relationship. It’s a powerful process of recognizing patterns learnt from the past, detoxifying resentments and gaining a new perspective on what the relationship is about. The felt experience of attending sessions and working things through in the sessions and between sessions leads to the couple feeling more connected to each other and better able to work things through together.

    I would like to acknowledge Nick Duffell and Helena Løvendal Sørensen at Creative Couplework for sharing some of the ideas expressed in this article. By

    Directly from the Bible – An unhealthy soul tie often develops when a young adult or older adult becomes solely dependent upon his or her parents.

    The problem is that many people are still bound by generational curses.  These are curses that have been passed down from one generational to the next.  The umbilical cord is still attached.  They are bound by their birth and early childhood experiences.  It is like that they are dragging a ball and chain around with them wherever they go.

    The umbilical card in this passage may also be a picture of unhealthy and ungodly soul ties.  Such ties are destructive to individuals.  These unhealthy attachments lead to anger, depression, and even at times to attempts of suicide or homicide

    ……Very few men with these issues ever get past them. It takes lots of courage and a willingness to dig really deep and become vulnerable. They must step out of their denial and most can’t achieve this. So to women who find themselves dealing with this disorder in a man, I say exit and learn about yourself as to why you were there in the first place. Then reconsider very carefully if you want to deal with a man with this kind of deep seated emotional disorder. If he is not willing to be committed to you  and to do the work needed, including being in counseling together, I say chances are, you will end up feeling like a door mat to his emotional dysfunction and inability to become a fully grown man. You will forever play the role of Momma and he will forever be a rebelling, escaping, run away, petulant boy. These men have no ability to love a woman because they are owned and controlled by their mother or her memory.  Always a son, never a man… a mother-controlled monster. They lack the self-confidence that most men develop in order to head a household, love their wife and exist on earth with a mostly positive  outlook. Their mother instilled insecurity in them, arrogance or both that conflict with their ability to become a whole integrated man.

    I once was in a relationship with a man, who had severe mother issues. I knew it when I first met him and I distanced myself from him for years. He had never been married. Then he re-entered my life, after his mother died, and I pondered, perhaps he had grown up.  He seemed different, ‘appeared’ like a grown, mature man, the first few months as he professed his undying love for me and we began planning a future. But he soon crumbled into the immature son of his mother. He will never be anything more. He drives his mother’s car and lives in her house in an isolated area.  He sits in a rocking chair looking at the view that his father created. He is assuming his mother’s life. His man facade crumbled  and he became like a negative, fearful, depressed, needy, pessimistic old woman. After telling me he will love me forever and was after me for years. He then tells me he will never marry and prefers being alone because he has had depression all his life, (signs of a chemical imbalance were strong.) He said he doesn’t like being around people for long and doesn’t think he could live with anyone. He is always the same and will never change. So he chooses to live alone in a house built by his mother and father, assuming their life as always  being a son,, never separating his identify and creating his own life.  Because of what occurred between his father, mother and him, along with other members in his family, he will be forever a son and never a man or husband. He will never know or experience the full love and life with a woman because he is too fearful to become a man and  he trashes every woman and relationship he has been in.

    I exited and what the final prompt was, when I wasn’t feeling well, and his comments to me were: “What’s your problem, you don’t have cancer.” ( his mother died of cancer) then he stated “You’re a grown woman and can take care of your own life.”   The clearest statement ever that he wanted no responsibility for a woman on  any level because he is a child and at the time was spending time working on his Momma’s house that he was now living in after her death. After I broke up with him and asked for the things I had left at his house. He left them at my front door with a note that said he didn’t want confrontation. Showing that he is a coward on top of it all. He doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions and the harm that he does to others because of his immaturity and disorder.

    I am a strong woman and highly independent and that is why he attracted to me in the first place. But we all have needs and need extra caring at times… and this man could not be consistent in this area of relationship interaction. He became resentful to have to put another’s needs before his own infantile ones. And infantile is the perfect adjective for these men. Selfish, narcissistic and childlike are some of the traits of a Momma’s boy.

    I then began learning how I could have  been attracted to him or thought he might change.

    Now, I get it. He was a challenge, He could be kind, loving and sweet then would turn critical and  cold. And when he became cold and depressed, it ripped at my heart, so I tried to help him and be more attentive when actually his behavior repulsed me, as does his over connection to his mother and also his sister. He would become like a whiny toddler, negative, depressed, pouting, complaining and criticizing of me, even paranoid and full of fear about the world and everyone and everything in his life or things even not in his life. When I would observe him sitting on my sofa, all that was missing was a pacifier.

    Momma’s boys are internal and eternal children, will never be men with full emotional capacity and do not know how to fully love a woman… they only love Momma, she owns him.

    Being with this child/man triggered my insecurity that I must be perfect and strong to be loved that had been imprinted on me from my Dad’s high expectations. This Momma’s boy  is a narcissist and I am an empath… so I was falling into codependency. But I am a ‘Daddy’s girl’ and my Dad was a strong, capable provider and protector. This man didn’t have these traits and wasn’t going to develop them,  or couldn’t pretend that he had them for long. He is a whiny, depressed Momma’s boy and thinks trucks, manly toys, climbing some mountain make him a man or temporarily feel like one, when he has no ability to be a man with a woman and this ability is what defines manhood.

    So why was I attracted? He, at first ‘appeared’ manly and he is a large man (false appearance)… and when he fell into being a boy… it triggered my male side imprinted on me by my Dad to carry on and fix things… and that is not the main roll I want in a relationship. I want to be the woman, not the man. I am a feminine womanly/woman and while I am strong and capable, I need and want a man who is manly and takes that role with vigor and pride, that of provider and protector. A man with all his  male genes intact knows that he provides a place for his woman to feel safe and to glow, she can then bestow on him all her caring, joy, nurturing and love…  and he values her place in his life above all others. If a man doesn’t value what you are giving to him, exit ladies. He isn’t worth your time. Any other way and it really does not work… as this was the way God intended it to be.

    After breaking up with him, I went into counseling and healed myself. I had hoped this man and I could heal together, but he refused to go to counseling together.  I don’t want to always have to be the strong one  and my strength is what attracted him, so he could rarely handle any weakness in me.  while I had to continually handle his. In fact, he vomited his neediness, insecurity , depression and lack onto me daily at the end of our relationship and the weight of his disorder made me feel ill physically and emotionally ill.

    I don’t need to be perfect to be loved and being codependent ravages the soul. I don’t want to be some man/child’s mother. GAG!  Talk about a sexual turn off. I deserve a man who can handle my weak side, that I can lean on when needed and is my soft place to fall and is there for me, or I would rather be alone… so, ta da!..  I am out of this Mommy boy dance … and sadly but  gladly said, ba bye!I had begun to pity and feel sorry for this emotionally stunted boy/man and that destroys love, respect and, of course, sex.

    I was a Daddy’s girl and my Dad was strong and capable and that is the only kind of man I will be with. This was my first and last ‘mother-controlled monster’… while I have had other men in my life with their fatal flaws and issues, they were all men and not ‘momma’s boys’.

    A ‘mother controlled monster’ should not be mistaken for a man who has an emotionally healthy respect and love for his mother and she him. This kind of man knows how to treat women, wants, is even honored to be a provider and protector to and for the woman he loves and is consistent in these actions and behaviors. He wants the honor of having a wife, puts her first in his life and defers to her, instead of his mother, sisters or any other female in his family. An emotionally stable mother wants to create emotionally independent children and wants her son to have a wife and to experience the joys of relationship.

    “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ”

    Genesis 2:24

In romantic relationship, is the closest you can get to the mother, father bond and it takes strength of emotions, and self integrity to walk through the healing and if your partner can’t do it then get out , heal and save yourself.

Look to the left and click to follow…

Empath or narcissist?…

Ann June 18, 2016 -3The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist, the sooner they will spot one with less chance they will have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway,  they can  dig deep into their soul and recognize their strengths and capabilities then do everything they can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away.

Because a narcissist lives in their creation of  facade, illusion, delusion and idealization, through deception, projection, control and delusion, narcissists are skilled at twisting reality. They leave you anxious, confused and questioning your own sanity. Learn how to ignore the crazy-making and stand firm in your truth.

Some in the pop psychology culture deem that someone who takes selfies is a narcissist and that is false.  Because some narcissists hate photos of themselves because they hate themselves, when self is really all they have the capability to care about.  They may have illusions and delusions of how they ‘image’ themselves and when a photo doesn’t match that image they can’t stand it.

Narcissism  is a pattern of thinking and behaving which involves infatuation and obsession with ones self to the exclusion of others. It is very different from healthy narcissism which we all possess. The actual meaning of the depiction of Narcissus in Greek mythology looking into the lake and falling in love with his reflection, is that he only has the ability to care about wants and needs of self. He cares for no one, but self. It’s all about him and no one else and actually that comes from the inability to have genuine self-love with authenticity of self on the soul level. Narcissus fell in love with ‘image’ of self, not who he actually is…because he either hates who he is or doesn’t know who he is. Therefore, he tries to create the image that he wants others to see to cover up who he really is. ‘Image’ is all a narcissist has.

Authentic self-love is very different from a narcissistic obsession with self. It takes a person who loves self in the authenticity of who they are, that can truly look into a mirror, see  who they are, their flaws and all, and still accept and  love themselves. And, therefore,  be able to love another selflessly and authentically, able to accept flaws in another, give to and to understand the responsibility of another’s heart. Doesn’t mean that when you look into your mirror that you don’t want to change some things, but you authentically accept and love yourself, until you do.  It’s a type of unconditional self love… it’s what the narcissist craves, but can’t feel or give. So they seek to suck the energy of love and acceptance from others, but when they get it, they eventually turn to criticize, diminish and abuse those giving it.  Partly to  create distance,  partly to have no responsibility for another, partly to feed their own ego, so they can temporarily feel better about their self-lack, and partly because they don’t think they are worthy of the love and acceptance they are being given, and they so desire. So they devalue and destroy it along with the person giving it. This temporarily gives the narcissist the upper hand and a sense of power, of feeling important, and unattainable. But, they always did have the upper hand because most knew they were  disingenuous from the beginning. They can’t live in the reality of  love, harmony, peace and joy because they don’t have these things inside themselves. Our inner world creates the outer.

Add to that, narcissists are threatened by genuine self-confidence and anyone who has authentic self-love, peace and joy, because the narcissist does not have that ability. So they seek out people who can fill them up with what they are lacking, if only temporarily and, of course, it is temporary as the narcissist sooner or later always crashes into reality of self and will try to tear the other person down and keep them off kilter. Giving the narcissist a rush of power in their fragile ego as they control the emotions of another.

Narcissists only care about what they can get from others, be it an  emotional, high, ‘such as falling in love’, excitement, sex, power by association, money, distraction, or just that they feel something, anything to take them out of their non-feeling and self-loathing emptiness.  Narcissists are about what they can ‘get’ instead of what they can ‘give’.

Some narcissists appear to enjoy sex in the beginning; but what they enjoy is the excitement, seduction, and the rush of newness; as the relationship progresses, they may shut down or pull away from their partner sexually. Doing this, serves to give them another sense of power, by withholding what their partner desires. Many narcissists have no authentic connection to their bodies, when it comes to genuinely connecting to another, so sex soon becomes a chore or non-existent or meaningless as they go from one partner to another.

An empath is connected to body, mind and spirit, so sex to them is another expression of love. With a narcissist, sex is a means to an end, a way to control, or a rush to a high that they lose interest in, soon to be on the prowl for another conquest.

Narcissists don’t have the desire or energy to genuinely love anyone but themselves, unless when it serves them to, because suppressing their anger (narcissistic rage) and other emotions that can easily turn into depression (depression is anger turned inward) is all they have the energy for. They remain focused on self on every level. While they long to be fulfilled, they have no understanding that what genuinely fulfills, is to give and to care for another or others. 

Narcissists focus on escape, illusion of perfection, power, great wealth, that the whole world loves and revolves around them, winning the lottery and all sorts of objects and things, etc.  They idealize relationships and their dreams of pleasure and escape can change often and rapidly. They are never satisfied because it’s impossible for them to be, because they aren’t internally satisfied  with self. I am not speaking of ordinary adventures, dreams and ambition that most all of us have.  Because a narcissist is different, in that, they are never satisfied or happy even when they achieve or attain that which they are after,  and  with that realization, they can fall into an even deeper depression.

Their lives can be a roller coaster, a series of being seemingly happy then depression and they have no idea why. Since they idealize relationships, they will devalue what they have, always looking for more, the next shiny thing … on a constant quest, but never finding fulfillment, like a hamster on a treadmill. The grass is always greener in their world, but when reality hits hard, when they realize that it isn’t, they may fall into deeper depression. Remember, they have no ability to accept flaws in others because they can’t accept flaws in self.

Narcissists cannot/do not feel joy,  have flat or shallow  emotions, cannot genuinely love because love takes the ability to give, to be unselfish, compromise and narcissists do not have these abilities, because everything is about them.  In the beginning, when they are trying to achieve their narcissist supply, they can ‘act’ unselfish and giving, but this is only an ‘act’…   nothing is genuine or authentic with them and will not last for long.

 Narcissists are soul sick.

They  may appear controlled in their expressions and words, like an empty  kind of politeness… as if they have to think hard before they speak, so they can phase words just right for their orchestrated-agenda-filled effect – their self-created image. This is because, they aren’t authentic and don’t have genuine intention.  While the rest of us are just being who we are when we talk and move through life. That doesn’t mean that we don’t think about what we say and do, but most of the time it’s effortless. We can error, accept it, correct ourselves, genuinely apologize and continue on. A  narcissist’s apology is the most shallow words you will ever hear.

A narcissist’s  image is overly important to them since they have little to no internal core structure. They freak when their image is threatened as that touches to the base core of their fragile ego.

They, more often than not,  mimic emotions, behaviors, even dialogue and scenes in movies to be able to fit in, move though the world, seduce and to attain their narcissist supply. They may have dead eyes, even when they smile. Their lips smile, their face and eyes don’t. They study people to learn how to respond appropriately and practice how to act, in order, to appear a certain way when they want to be accepted.

Often times, they fall into a deep depression with no ability to feel, until their next shiny thing comes along with which they can pursue their narcissist supply… the rush of pursuit with goal to suck off of another’s emotions.

Narcissistic supply is easily seen in the romantic pursuit of relationships… but the same dance occurs, of course, in all levels, and activities in society.They fall in love as fast as they fall out of love. Since they cannot genuinely love,  they soon lose interest when the first rush of falling in love with all its emotional excitement settles down to reality.  Love is enduring, not just a rush of excitement, shallow, superficial or fake. Narcissists can’t handle the quiet security,  peaceful joy and genuinely getting to know another person, becoming vulnerable to another and living with the everyday challenges, disappointments and joys of life.  This feels mundane to them, while it’s what most all of us strive for. This is because they do not have this internally, so they have no ability to create, express, or experience it externally. Therefore,  they begin relationships again and again for the rush of the challenge and excitement.  Some prefer short monogamous, marriage-like connections, (so they can feel temporarily connected like others) until the relationship  get too real and the other person has needs and requirements that must be met in order to create the balance that sustains a real relationship. When this occurs the narcissist shuts down, rages, abuses, criticizes, falls into depression or someone ends it, because when it isn’t all about them, they are not in control and pulling the strings, they get no rush.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They  can even  keep up their false image to mental health providers when seeking help .

They may or may not be consciously aware of their behavior and the damage it causes to others because in their fake game, they will sacrifice anyone and anything for the gain of their narcissist supply, then escape and not feel pain, except for themselves…. they are the eternal victims. Because they are above all selfish, all about themselves and no one else really matters. They do not have the ability to feel or express empathy, except in a fake, learned mannerly way .

An empath is authentic, genuine and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find a relationship with a narcissist a huge lesson, a dodged bullet with a painful awakening.

An empath feels love deeply and genuinely. They feel and honor all their emotions with no need to negate or to fake them. If negative experiences happen, they hurt and may get unhappy or depressed, but it’s situational and they will lift out of it as they work to improve the situation and to heal. An empath wants to heal and to heal others. An empath feels the joy of living and being alive. An empath is genuine to themselves able to have empathy and to love another in authenticity. An empath accepts all emotions and allows them to flow through them in awareness  as they  try to gain growth and a deeper insight into self on their quest to becoming more authentic. This is why narcissists attract to empaths.

Empaths need to be careful of not becoming co-dependent. They can’t ‘fix’ the narcissist. When an empath states, I love you, it is genuine and means the beginning of a life together. When a narcissist says, I love you, it means I love the way I feel when I am with you, or they have claimed their shiny object, can get monetary, or other needs met, or that the chase is over and their narcissist mission has been temporarily accomplished…soon after, the love stops. 

A narcissist struggles to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from any relationship or situation, once they realize that they have lost their ability to control the empath, or the empath will not accept the narcissist’s behavior and  forces them to become self-aware and to heal. When the narcissist’s fake  game no longer works, is pleasurable, or they can’t suck narcissist supply from their victim, if the narcissist is not able to be in control with ego constantly stroked, feel in charge, they will seek out their next victim, ‘the next shiny thing’, or escape.

Narcissists are full of ego and selfishness, but it’s a fragile ego built on nothing. They flip from feeling less than to feeling more than, instead of just being equal to all others. They are always trying to outsmart others to gain the upper hand. When reality is, they are outsmarting themselves, damaging others and ultimately destroying their chance at authentic fulfillment. Reality is, their ego is so fragile, that they always need fresh pursuits or withdrawal to recharge.

The final act on the stage of life seems to be a pulling back of the curtain to the soul.

As a narcissist ages, they may realize something is wrong with them and fall into an even deeper depression. They can’t genuinely connect to people and certainly not in a love relationship… they may prefer being alone, only coming out of their darkness for their narcissist fix, then going right back in. They may realize how alone they really are, alone inside their distorted mind,  stuck  in their heads only connected to their empty self and their selfish wants and needs.

Narcissism and Depression

Narcissism and depression are believed to oftentimes occur together, probably because the narcissistic personality is incapable of developing true feelings of self-worth or intimacy with others. Genuine relationships with others are what enrich and sustain the lives of empaths because they have a genuine relationship with self, so they value people.

Depression brings with it many physical ailments, aches, pains, headaches, back aches, high blood pressure, heart issues, etc. addictions, and is all about self-absorption… the very thing the narcissist loves… self.

A narcissist has been fractured somewhere in their childhood, and split off from their authentic self to survive, or they were born disconnected from self with their life’s journey  being to reconnect. But it’s a deep soul searching journey to fulfillment and wholeness and most will not attempt or do so. They will just keep playing the game, using the tactics that they know. Some are diabolical, sociopathic monsters and others are wounded souls with little genuine self knowledge. It’s nature versus nurture and there can be a fine line between the two. There may be an inherited disposition to mental illness, or something could have occurred in childhood to trigger it, or both. Genetics  can influence the absence of various brain chemicals that influence how little or much empathy a person has. Personality disordered people struggle with not experiencing, or not having empathy.

Narcissistic need can be compared to that of a toddler. To a toddler everything is mine, mine mine. It’s a normal developmental stage that is usually soon grown out of, as they learn to share, care, and interact with others. But some children at any age can have experiences that fracture them and they stay frozen in that developmental stage. As in a child or teenager who is fearful of growing up and separating from parents and when triggered as an adult, the person digresses back to the developmental age in which they were frozen.  I have literally seen persons with suppressed  emotions, digress right in front of me to somewhere in childhood… as they scream “‘I’ won’t! ‘I’ don’t! ‘I’ll’ do it when ‘I’ am ready!” Their faces and voices becoming child-like, as if they are talking to a parental or authority  figure. A temper tantrum passes for cute in a toddler, but is shockingly and monstrously detestable done by an adult.  Observing one can make you want to gauge your eyes out. It’s hideous.

Parents and the family play a large roll in our psychological development and no ones parents or siblings are perfect. Be alerted if anyone states their mother, father and family were perfect and without flaws. Many times, this kind of denial is part of their fake existence as they try to keep anything negative suppressed to keep their facade intact. Denial is a prominent tool of the narcissist’s existence and assists to keep their fragile self intact. They develop certain beliefs because those beliefs allow them to maintain their  so-called ‘psychological stability’. So any  threat to their beliefs is considered a direct threat to the person’s fragile psychological stability.

Therefore, if they are awakened and acknowledge their parent/family’s flaws then it can make the narcissist feel even more fragile and lost because some  narcissists have an unhealthy connection to one or both parents and hold onto it as if it’s their life line that creates their existence… going from love to hate and back again but never just genuine acceptance.

The most narcissistic people I have known fall into this category. They have created a facade that their family is perfection, when it’s quite the opposite and they have much buried emotional pain, etc. that they have endured as they fragmented themselves trying  to fit in where they didn’t. Therefore, forever or until and if, they decide to dig really deep to heal, they will use much energy suppressing these buried memories and the emotions connected to them which causes depression. 

After all, the issue with narcissism, depression and other mental disorders is an inability to genuinely and authentically process, feel and express emotions.  To be and live in the authentic genuine self, you must have the ability to see things as they really were/are and not as you want them to be. By so doing, you are free to create and live an authentic life, to be loved and to love another, etc.

The romantic relationship is where these deep seated wounds are more easily seen and exposed with have the possibility of being healed because being that close to another is as close as we come to being truly vulnerable, but it takes courage to do this. It’s as close as we get to the child, mother, father connection. Those deep and profound imprints that drive us our whole life in both negative and positive ways, either to our destruction or onto our healing and authentic wholeness.

To love another genuinely, one must become/be the authentic self, or the love will be shallow.

Empaths are giving. They put others before themselves.  A narcissist will only put another before themselves when they are trying to hook the person in to get their narcissist supply.

Narcissists seek me out because of my empathic nature. Many times, I knew I was dealing with coldness and strangeness, with shallow, self-serving emotions, other times, I didn’t know until I did.  Some were overtly abusive and cruel, escaped into alcoholism, gambling, affairs,  others covertly,  fell into depression and excuses for no apparent reason, except for the pursuit of escape, in their fear of being really seen, and known, or when reality became too real and they either had to change to have any semblance of being a genuine feeling human being or escape….

While interacting with them, I began to have stomach aches, or feel ill in some way that was not my usual way of feeling and when I called them on their issues, they tried to project them onto me. Even projecting so much as to call me, for example: a narcissist because I take selfies.  Projection is a key tool of the narcissist and others who are disordered.  They can’t look at self in any authentic way, so have to make it about the other person, when it’s really about them.

Empaths being self-aware with the desire to be caring, empathetic and authentic to self may take on the narcissist’s projections until they wake up and realize that none of it is about them. A narcissist can devastate an empath’s self-esteem, even making them feel mentally and physically ill. Being around pathology can make healthy people ill. 

Recently,  I reconnected with a psychologist, I had gone to years ago after a divorce. She is retired now and we spent much time talking about narcissists and empaths. At my request,  I took some personality tests to affirm what I already knew, that I am predominantly an empath. On one of the empathic/narcissist tests, I scored 90 percent empathic.

A psychologist once said to me : “He USED you! He wanted from you what he didn’t have–you were a challenge. He wanted your high energy, your enthusiasm for life, your kindness towards others, your class, your good-looks–he wanted it all…and then….once he had it, and the challenge was no longer there, it wasn’t fun for him anymore,  and he either had to anti-up or destroy it all to escape and slide right back into his comfortable depressive state where he’s spent most of his miserable life. After all the romance and ‘l love yous’, then to say, “All I am capable of is friendship.” What fucking bullshit to treat you so shabbily and say that shit to you!”

The above  paragraph is the exact and perfect example of the way a narcissist behaves.

A narcissist’s primary goal is to manipulate for self-serving agenda. An empath’s primary goal is to love and to heal.  So a relationship with a narcissist is toxic for an empath.

We all have varying traits that hit on every aspect of the psychological spectrum. It’s when very many are in one, that  a person is deemed to have a personality disorder.

A review of narcissist traits:  shallow emotions, flat or shallow affect, goes from high to low emotions, (range of degree can even be bi-polar), many short term romantic relationships, rarely commits,  cheats, boasts, lives dangerously or on the edge, suppresses anger and other emotions, rage and anger can come out of nowhere,  impatient, bouts of depression, only interested in self, selfish, can go from appearing loving and giving to cold and non-giving in a short span of time, and for no apparent reason,  and many would rather be alone than with people. They don’t actually like people, unless, it’s to get their ‘fix’ for their narcissist supply. They are cold and calculating, whether aware of what they are doing or not and most are aware … and all this has little to nothing to do with taking selfies…

Also, there can be mixed psychological issues, such as narcissist/borderline – narcissist/avoidant disorder, etc. But the bottom line is these people are psychologically disordered and can wreck havoc in the lives of those who live in authenticity with emotions in tact, able to give  and to receive love.  People who  are empaths.

Giving to another in love is the greatest blessing we have on earth. The greatest lesson we may all ever learn, is to love and be loved in return. This is especially true for the narcissistic personality type as they learn to give and for the empath to learn that love is received in return.

“There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations”.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“My life began when I met Ronnie” Nancy Reagan…

Nancy Reagan 3The death of our beloved Nancy Reagan brings us back to the love story between her and our beloved President Ronald Reagan as they clearly displayed the love, respect, balance, and support, the blessed gift from God possible on earth between a man and woman.

Nancy and Ronald Reagan

Her comment that her life didn’t really begin until she met Ronald Reagan… is not understood by some… as in the woman libbers who think they don’t need a man or that they are weak to think that they might, the feminists that have no clue concerning the balance achieved through the love between a man and a woman. There is great strength and wisdom in Mrs. Reagan’s statement regarding her profound love and soul connection that  she knew she had when she met the love of her life. It’s doesn’t negate that she was a woman of talent and accomplishments in her own right as ‘feminists’ seem to think. What it means is that their union enhanced both of them on many levels and by their union, both destinies were recognized and achieved bigger, more and better than had they been apart.

When any of us are given this rare and blessed  gift from God to meet and join with a soul mate, our life does begin anew and again with a future opening up changing our lives forever, giving us the opportunity to become and grow  more than ever could have imagined possible. Ronald_Reagan_and_Nancy_Reagan_aboard_a_boat_in_California_1964

It is exciting and more meaningful to grow through life with a partner, a true soul mate, who witnesses and offers support in life, assisting, therefore, each to become more than ever thought they could be alone.

And it takes a real woman or man to submit to this kind of deep profound love, which requires being seen clearly by another, exposing vulnerabilities and wounds, and in that closeness is the ability to experience genuine love, the kind of love that is the closet thing to God’s love for us on earth. It is not an undertaking for the feint or weak of heart… it’s only for the brave and sincere of heart and spirit.

Though love is the closest that we can be to God on earth.

” Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

Pure, committed, God based love was clearly displayed by Nancy and Ronald Reagan.

“When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him – or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” – Tim Keller

Nancy Reagan 2

God bless and keep you dear Nancy… as you reunite with your beloved Ronnie.

Nancy and Ronald Reagan 1

Donald and Melania the perfect out-pictured example…

Trump and Melania 1of male-female. Exactly what America needs and a reflection of God’s perfect plan for male and female.

Donald Trump, a man, a doer, a builder, a protector, a father, a husband, an intellect, a wisdom, an appreciator of the beauty, Trump and Melaniasexuality and wisdom of the female.  A blustery, arrogant, ego-driven, will not be controlled male… The King of his world.. the leader of his family. Melania, his Queen, a refined soft spoken feminine beauty… his love, his strength, a part of his wisdom… the soft voice whispering in his ear.

At the Republican debate on March 3rd, what we saw and experienced was an explosion of the worst of the male psyche… and it was difficult to watch. Rubio is the brat on the playground, the younger brother. Cruz, the preacher, the know it all older brother. Trump, the father figure who  lost his cool because he let the kids get under his skin.  Kasich, the middle brother, trying to fill the gap and take advantage of the chaos. That’s how I saw it. Male egos battling it out. All trying to take Trump, the blustery leader, of the pack down. And he was asking for it..Oh he was! As he egged them on. So they responded jabbing him in like kind and jab him hard they did.

I hope Trump listens to what his wife tells him after and about this debate. As a woman I was disgusted…talking about size of hands, etc. Rubio brought this kind of juvenile crap up  and Trump let it get to him. What I saw is, that afterwards, O’Reilly tried to defuse it by focusing on Trump’s beautiful wife and her interview with Greta. Trump should have pulled her into the frame, complimented and focused on her to change the energy, but he was too riled up after the debate and who could blame him, really? He is running for president … Why? Does he need the money? He has it all. He has wealth, a lovely family and his health. So, why is he putting himself out there like he is… into the political arena of sharks, liars, cons, and do little to nothing self-serving talkers? Sure, part of it is his ego. He’s a MAN… but also, he is a heart. He is a man with a good heart. A man who wants to fix and make better… After all, that is what a man does… that is the essence of a man… a provider, a protector… a man beats his chest and proclaims…’ this is my family and I am their protector and ‘King’… that is what a man, a real man, the best do and does… and the kind of man every ‘real’ woman wants, deserves and needs… And that is the kind of man that America desperately needs at this time. A King kind of a man who knows that what this really means is to  serve, protect and provide for… and in this serving his underlying ego needs are met.

Trump and Melania 3I watched Melania when she was on camera after the debate… her eyes as she watched Donald.  I put myself in her place knowing she is watching, respecting, standing back and observing with her heart and her love for him.

Trump in his maleness exploded and who could blame him with those rabid dogs nipping at him continually, with their untruths, half-truths, self-serving Leviathan spinning, corrupted political-serving crap as they try to disparage everything he’s accomplished in his life! Trump has the press malinging him continually, the talking heads after him and the moderators setting him up and so he exploded and too bad in some ways that he did, but good for him in others.

But now, in my opinion, he needs to hear what his wife shares with him after that display and I know as a woman, she will share,  After he what? Paces the aisle of his jet, closes himself in his office, rants and raves a bit or closes off in his cave… I bet she watches him, catches his eyes when she can… as he is sure to be ashamed to face her truth of him…his vulnerablity exposed.  But Donald is a wise man… he knows and appreciates the wisdom of the female… so she will eventually speak and he hopefully he will hear. As Melania stated in her interview with Greta, she shares her thoughts with Donald and sometimes he lets it in and sometimes he doesn’t. He has his own mind as does she. I gained much respect for Melania, Donald, and their union watching her in that interview. She is one classy woman. So Donald, let Melania’s wisdom in this time… Become a better man than you are…

I see the kind of man Donald is… through the blustery verbiage, etc.. because I had a Dad much like him… and my Mom was his strength, his core… as is the case with most all great men who are wise enough to take in the wisdom of the female…. those fortunate enough to have a real woman by their side. I understand Trump’s love and connection to and for his daughter because I was my Dad’s first born daughter and we had a similar connection… Trump and Melania 2

Men will be boys and boys become men… we saw that clearly at the debate on March 3rd…

The male/female balance is what keeps this planet moving. It’s the base energy of the world. Woman, is man’s gift from God and one reason why Islam is so offeTrump and Melania 4nsive, evil and of destruction. Their males are taught to fear the power of the female, so they in their male energy  ( that kind of energy we saw on display at the March 3rd debate)  destroy her and by so doing they destroy their chance of love, growth, comfort, wisdom and peace.

I like Trump. I like Cruz. I can’t stand Rubio. Rubio needs to go away and become a man.

I am watching and what is being shown, at this time in our world, is very interesting. No man is perfect but some are better than others.

The wisdom and balance of the Male/female are what the world is trying to attain. It gets out of balance then dances trying for its correction… out of balance again then tries back for balance… the repetitive dance of this blessed energy. Like all male/female relationships… as is in the world…at this time, our world is way out of balance.

Mr. Donald Trump, we need the essence of your maleness, at this time, as also we need your wisdom, energy, caring and enthusiasm to continue to develop as a real man and in your deepest wisdom, you know this… Listen to your wife.

I think we are in for a wild ride in this election year, with much awareness on display for our growth and knowledge. And as much as it’s political, it is also spiritual.

God bless and guide America….Trump2And may God bless and guide in wisdom the next man who is to become our President….

And Hillary return to the rock in Hell that you crawled out from under….

Look to the left and click to follow…

Shades of Grey = dysfunction, not sexy, damage, boring, bland, blah!

nightshirtpolkadots1I didn’t read the book, but saw the movie…

All it was is a depiction of a damaged child/man who can’t connect in love, therefore,  uses control and domination through sex  to make himself feel. He projects his damage and pain through punishment onto women in order to escape his own.

It was more sad than sexy. In fact, nothing about it was sensual or sexy. There are more and more people  today who are damaged as this man is depicted, who can’t look at self long enough to heal, who go from person to person focusing on sexuality for escape, thrill and the high and even when given the chance at connecting with a loving person is too emotionally damaged and fearful of becoming vulnerable to connect.

Love,  passion and commitment are what makes sex, sexy. Sure games can be fun and taking it to individual fantasies and edges can be exciting on occasion, but that in itself means nothing and lasts less than that.  Most mature adults recognize and understand this, immature, inexperienced youth won’t and don’t and some will see this movie as ‘cool’ showing things to try before they are emotionally and sexually developed which can then lead to distorting their perceptions of sex and love.

I found nothing sexy about this movie. I found it pretty boring and blah. The actors while attractive had no chemistry and that is another aspect that makes sex, sexy… chemistry along with personality.

To me, this was a psychological study of an emotionally damaged man.

At least, in the movie, she left him. I think so anyway. I exited to the ladies’ room several times, I was so bored.  But he soiled an inexperienced and pure person to his perversions.

Now, what would have made it interesting is, had love been able to break through his damage and pain, to break him open to real love. But he was too damaged, weak and fearful,  just like some in the world  who can’t commit and focus on sex, instead of  love, emotions and feelings.

I have no idea what all the ‘to do’ was about this story. I found it mundanely  dull. I know that’s redundant but so was the movie.

Why women like it, might it be that the thought, idea and fantasy of a ‘powerful/successful’ man taking control in the bedroom, and, or in their life, might be appealing because now days,  so many men  seem to have lost their manhood and are looking for a mother. And a man looking for a mother has no sex appeal. But in actuality,  the  sad, damaged man in the movie needed to be mothered, in orde,r to heal and possibly be able to love.

In a real enduring relationship, each person plays all the roles of male/female respectively…  as in intimacy, healing, growth, vulnerablity, empathy, strength, weakness, sex, sensuality, child, parent, teacher, student, lead, follower, depending on time, place and circumstance, etc..

Nothing is more sensual and sexy than an emotionally strong man who can take control in the bedroom, but ‘control’ is a shared two-way experience and a man who is too weak and insecure to let a woman take the lead to balance out the experiences is not sexy for long.

In my opinion, there were not many shades of grey in this movie, there was only one and it was blah!

What inspires you to love?

TreeAnn6Is it beauty, fun, kindness? Is it sex, liking the samethings, or experiences shared? Is it commonalities, differences, or the energy you feel when you are with the person? Is it their actions, words, or that their words and actions match? Is it consistancy, compatiblity, tension or comfort?

Is it inconsistancy, uncertainty, excitement, thrill,  or danger?

Different things attract  the inspiration to love. Some of the attractions are healthy and some not. Sometimes, it’s a mixture of the good and the bad? Some people think they love someone when they feel like they felt with their parents or caregivers. They attract to the familiarity of whatever they experienced then, so it ‘feels’ like love, ‘like home’, when perhaps, it isn’t. It’s just familiar, like a habit, but  it’s what ‘feels’ comfortable, like an old shoe and so they think it’s love.

If the past was healthy and nurturing that is great, but if it was one of discord, addictions or dyfunction, not so great. Those imprinted patterns are difficult to break and they can guide either to goodness or destruction.

So, ponder what inspires you to love and attracts you to someone as it’s the basis of the relationship, its journey, its joys, its pain, its success, its harm, or failure.

“But does he who loves someone on account of beauty really love that person? No; for the small-pox, which will kill beauty without killing the person, will cause him to love her no more.

And if one loves me for my judgment, memory, he does not love me, for I can lose these qualities without losing myself. Where, then, is this Ego, if it be neither in the body nor in the soul? And how love the body or the soul, except for these qualities which do not constitute me, since they are perishable? … We never, then, love a person, but only qualities.”  Blaise Pascal’s “Pensees”

The above is an example of shallow love…

We all lose our ‘qualities’ eventually  and when we do, is when we will know if we are loved and if we love.

The awareness, blessing and grace to love without the distraction of qualities and traits is  a genuine gift and if we love sincerely love  will  eventually evolve into this.

What attracts you to love someone? Ever really thought about it deeply, beyond the face, figure, abs, smile, etc?

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

Oscar Wilde

Look to the left and click to follow…

A man leads a relationship….true of false?…

???????????????????????????????And if he is corrupt, crooked, a liar, or weak, he can lead it off its path and onto the road to hell…

Is it even possible for a woman to lead a relationship? Sure there are weak men, but a woman can’t create it on her own and she can’t make a man love her and do the right thing for them both. Sure she can encourage, support and be his cheerleader… but in the final outcome… it is a man who creates a relationship for the good or not….

Agree or not?

Now I understand that a woman can do things that destroy a relationship also…

But in the final result.. there will and can be no relationship if a man doesn’t lead.

Is this why we have so much divorce, broken homes and messed up kids? Because many men these days aren’t up to the challenge and responsibility of a relationship, commitment, and life with responsiblity to another or others….?

I think so…

As a man leads and a woman follows… that’s the basic nature and natural order and when we go against it… it just doesn’t work out as well. Sure it can be done… but the outcome is not sympathico as it is when a man leads and a woman follows..

And saying this, a man needs a woman as much as a woman needs a man. Just because he leads doesn’t make him ‘better’. It makes him have more responsiblity to the woman that he loves….more on his shoulders… that is if he is a real man.

And many men these days just don’t seem to ‘get it’  and their not getting it is causing the downfall of  society.

As a woman, if your man can’t lead, won’t lead, doesn’t lead, find another…. you are better off alone than with a leech, a loser, a con, a follower, a liar, a man without direction, a man who can’t love, a man who is all about himself, or his sports and activities, an addicted man, or a selfish man…


A selfish man does not make a good lover, partner,  friend or father.


Women protect and guard yourselves from a man who can’t lead….and, or one who will lead you and your relationship off the road and into a ditch….