Category Archives: Friendship

Empath or narcissist?…

Ann June 18, 2016 -3The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist, the sooner they will spot one with less chance they will have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway,  they can  dig deep into their soul and recognize their strengths and capabilities then do everything they can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away.

Because a narcissist lives in their creation of  facade, illusion, delusion and idealization, through deception, projection, control and delusion, narcissists are skilled at twisting reality. They leave you anxious, confused and questioning your own sanity. Learn how to ignore the crazy-making and stand firm in your truth.

Some in the pop psychology culture deem that someone who takes selfies is a narcissist and that is false.  Because some narcissists hate photos of themselves because they hate themselves, when self is really all they have the capability to care about.  They may have illusions and delusions of how they ‘image’ themselves and when a photo doesn’t match that image they can’t stand it.

Narcissism  is a pattern of thinking and behaving which involves infatuation and obsession with ones self to the exclusion of others. It is very different from healthy narcissism which we all possess. The actual meaning of the depiction of Narcissus in Greek mythology looking into the lake and falling in love with his reflection, is that he only has the ability to care about wants and needs of self. He cares for no one, but self. It’s all about him and no one else and actually that comes from the inability to have genuine self-love with authenticity of self on the soul level. Narcissus fell in love with ‘image’ of self, not who he actually is…because he either hates who he is or doesn’t know who he is. Therefore, he tries to create the image that he wants others to see to cover up who he really is. ‘Image’ is all a narcissist has.

Authentic self-love is very different from a narcissistic obsession with self. It takes a person who loves self in the authenticity of who they are, that can truly look into a mirror, see  who they are, their flaws and all, and still accept and  love themselves. And, therefore,  be able to love another selflessly and authentically, able to accept flaws in another, give to and to understand the responsibility of another’s heart. Doesn’t mean that when you look into your mirror that you don’t want to change some things, but you authentically accept and love yourself, until you do.  It’s a type of unconditional self love… it’s what the narcissist craves, but can’t feel or give. So they seek to suck the energy of love and acceptance from others, but when they get it, they eventually turn to criticize, diminish and abuse those giving it.  Partly to  create distance,  partly to have no responsibility for another, partly to feed their own ego, so they can temporarily feel better about their self-lack, and partly because they don’t think they are worthy of the love and acceptance they are being given, and they so desire. So they devalue and destroy it along with the person giving it. This temporarily gives the narcissist the upper hand and a sense of power, of feeling important, and unattainable. But, they always did have the upper hand because most knew they were  disingenuous from the beginning. They can’t live in the reality of  love, harmony, peace and joy because they don’t have these things inside themselves. Our inner world creates the outer.

Add to that, narcissists are threatened by genuine self-confidence and anyone who has authentic self-love, peace and joy, because the narcissist does not have that ability. So they seek out people who can fill them up with what they are lacking, if only temporarily and, of course, it is temporary as the narcissist sooner or later always crashes into reality of self and will try to tear the other person down and keep them off kilter. Giving the narcissist a rush of power in their fragile ego as they control the emotions of another.

Narcissists only care about what they can get from others, be it an  emotional, high, ‘such as falling in love’, excitement, sex, power by association, money, distraction, or just that they feel something, anything to take them out of their non-feeling and self-loathing emptiness.  Narcissists are about what they can ‘get’ instead of what they can ‘give’.

Some narcissists appear to enjoy sex in the beginning; but what they enjoy is the excitement, seduction, and the rush of newness; as the relationship progresses, they may shut down or pull away from their partner sexually. Doing this, serves to give them another sense of power, by withholding what their partner desires. Many narcissists have no authentic connection to their bodies, when it comes to genuinely connecting to another, so sex soon becomes a chore or non-existent or meaningless as they go from one partner to another.

An empath is connected to body, mind and spirit, so sex to them is another expression of love. With a narcissist, sex is a means to an end, a way to control, or a rush to a high that they lose interest in, soon to be on the prowl for another conquest.

Narcissists don’t have the desire or energy to genuinely love anyone but themselves, unless when it serves them to, because suppressing their anger (narcissistic rage) and other emotions that can easily turn into depression (depression is anger turned inward) is all they have the energy for. They remain focused on self on every level. While they long to be fulfilled, they have no understanding that what genuinely fulfills, is to give and to care for another or others. 

Narcissists focus on escape, illusion of perfection, power, great wealth, that the whole world loves and revolves around them, winning the lottery and all sorts of objects and things, etc.  They idealize relationships and their dreams of pleasure and escape can change often and rapidly. They are never satisfied because it’s impossible for them to be, because they aren’t internally satisfied  with self. I am not speaking of ordinary adventures, dreams and ambition that most all of us have.  Because a narcissist is different, in that, they are never satisfied or happy even when they achieve or attain that which they are after,  and  with that realization, they can fall into an even deeper depression.

Their lives can be a roller coaster, a series of being seemingly happy then depression and they have no idea why. Since they idealize relationships, they will devalue what they have, always looking for more, the next shiny thing … on a constant quest, but never finding fulfillment, like a hamster on a treadmill. The grass is always greener in their world, but when reality hits hard, when they realize that it isn’t, they may fall into deeper depression. Remember, they have no ability to accept flaws in others because they can’t accept flaws in self.

Narcissists cannot/do not feel joy,  have flat or shallow  emotions, cannot genuinely love because love takes the ability to give, to be unselfish, compromise and narcissists do not have these abilities, because everything is about them.  In the beginning, when they are trying to achieve their narcissist supply, they can ‘act’ unselfish and giving, but this is only an ‘act’…   nothing is genuine or authentic with them and will not last for long.

 Narcissists are soul sick.

They  may appear controlled in their expressions and words, like an empty  kind of politeness… as if they have to think hard before they speak, so they can phase words just right for their orchestrated-agenda-filled effect – their self-created image. This is because, they aren’t authentic and don’t have genuine intention.  While the rest of us are just being who we are when we talk and move through life. That doesn’t mean that we don’t think about what we say and do, but most of the time it’s effortless. We can error, accept it, correct ourselves, genuinely apologize and continue on. A  narcissist’s apology is the most shallow words you will ever hear.

A narcissist’s  image is overly important to them since they have little to no internal core structure. They freak when their image is threatened as that touches to the base core of their fragile ego.

They, more often than not,  mimic emotions, behaviors, even dialogue and scenes in movies to be able to fit in, move though the world, seduce and to attain their narcissist supply. They may have dead eyes, even when they smile. Their lips smile, their face and eyes don’t. They study people to learn how to respond appropriately and practice how to act, in order, to appear a certain way when they want to be accepted.

Often times, they fall into a deep depression with no ability to feel, until their next shiny thing comes along with which they can pursue their narcissist supply… the rush of pursuit with goal to suck off of another’s emotions.

Narcissistic supply is easily seen in the romantic pursuit of relationships… but the same dance occurs, of course, in all levels, and activities in society.They fall in love as fast as they fall out of love. Since they cannot genuinely love,  they soon lose interest when the first rush of falling in love with all its emotional excitement settles down to reality.  Love is enduring, not just a rush of excitement, shallow, superficial or fake. Narcissists can’t handle the quiet security,  peaceful joy and genuinely getting to know another person, becoming vulnerable to another and living with the everyday challenges, disappointments and joys of life.  This feels mundane to them, while it’s what most all of us strive for. This is because they do not have this internally, so they have no ability to create, express, or experience it externally. Therefore,  they begin relationships again and again for the rush of the challenge and excitement.  Some prefer short monogamous, marriage-like connections, (so they can feel temporarily connected like others) until the relationship  get too real and the other person has needs and requirements that must be met in order to create the balance that sustains a real relationship. When this occurs the narcissist shuts down, rages, abuses, criticizes, falls into depression or someone ends it, because when it isn’t all about them, they are not in control and pulling the strings, they get no rush.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They  can even  keep up their false image to mental health providers when seeking help .

They may or may not be consciously aware of their behavior and the damage it causes to others because in their fake game, they will sacrifice anyone and anything for the gain of their narcissist supply, then escape and not feel pain, except for themselves…. they are the eternal victims. Because they are above all selfish, all about themselves and no one else really matters. They do not have the ability to feel or express empathy, except in a fake, learned mannerly way .

An empath is authentic, genuine and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find a relationship with a narcissist a huge lesson, a dodged bullet with a painful awakening.

An empath feels love deeply and genuinely. They feel and honor all their emotions with no need to negate or to fake them. If negative experiences happen, they hurt and may get unhappy or depressed, but it’s situational and they will lift out of it as they work to improve the situation and to heal. An empath wants to heal and to heal others. An empath feels the joy of living and being alive. An empath is genuine to themselves able to have empathy and to love another in authenticity. An empath accepts all emotions and allows them to flow through them in awareness  as they  try to gain growth and a deeper insight into self on their quest to becoming more authentic. This is why narcissists attract to empaths.

Empaths need to be careful of not becoming co-dependent. They can’t ‘fix’ the narcissist. When an empath states, I love you, it is genuine and means the beginning of a life together. When a narcissist says, I love you, it means I love the way I feel when I am with you, or they have claimed their shiny object, can get monetary, or other needs met, or that the chase is over and their narcissist mission has been temporarily accomplished…soon after, the love stops. 

A narcissist struggles to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from any relationship or situation, once they realize that they have lost their ability to control the empath, or the empath will not accept the narcissist’s behavior and  forces them to become self-aware and to heal. When the narcissist’s fake  game no longer works, is pleasurable, or they can’t suck narcissist supply from their victim, if the narcissist is not able to be in control with ego constantly stroked, feel in charge, they will seek out their next victim, ‘the next shiny thing’, or escape.

Narcissists are full of ego and selfishness, but it’s a fragile ego built on nothing. They flip from feeling less than to feeling more than, instead of just being equal to all others. They are always trying to outsmart others to gain the upper hand. When reality is, they are outsmarting themselves, damaging others and ultimately destroying their chance at authentic fulfillment. Reality is, their ego is so fragile, that they always need fresh pursuits or withdrawal to recharge.

The final act on the stage of life seems to be a pulling back of the curtain to the soul.

As a narcissist ages, they may realize something is wrong with them and fall into an even deeper depression. They can’t genuinely connect to people and certainly not in a love relationship… they may prefer being alone, only coming out of their darkness for their narcissist fix, then going right back in. They may realize how alone they really are, alone inside their distorted mind,  stuck  in their heads only connected to their empty self and their selfish wants and needs.

Narcissism and Depression

Narcissism and depression are believed to oftentimes occur together, probably because the narcissistic personality is incapable of developing true feelings of self-worth or intimacy with others. Genuine relationships with others are what enrich and sustain the lives of empaths because they have a genuine relationship with self, so they value people.

Depression brings with it many physical ailments, aches, pains, headaches, back aches, high blood pressure, heart issues, etc. addictions, and is all about self-absorption… the very thing the narcissist loves… self.

A narcissist has been fractured somewhere in their childhood, and split off from their authentic self to survive, or they were born disconnected from self with their life’s journey  being to reconnect. But it’s a deep soul searching journey to fulfillment and wholeness and most will not attempt or do so. They will just keep playing the game, using the tactics that they know. Some are diabolical, sociopathic monsters and others are wounded souls with little genuine self knowledge. It’s nature versus nurture and there can be a fine line between the two. There may be an inherited disposition to mental illness, or something could have occurred in childhood to trigger it, or both. Genetics  can influence the absence of various brain chemicals that influence how little or much empathy a person has. Personality disordered people struggle with not experiencing, or not having empathy.

Narcissistic need can be compared to that of a toddler. To a toddler everything is mine, mine mine. It’s a normal developmental stage that is usually soon grown out of, as they learn to share, care, and interact with others. But some children at any age can have experiences that fracture them and they stay frozen in that developmental stage. As in a child or teenager who is fearful of growing up and separating from parents and when triggered as an adult, the person digresses back to the developmental age in which they were frozen.  I have literally seen persons with suppressed  emotions, digress right in front of me to somewhere in childhood… as they scream “‘I’ won’t! ‘I’ don’t! ‘I’ll’ do it when ‘I’ am ready!” Their faces and voices becoming child-like, as if they are talking to a parental or authority  figure. A temper tantrum passes for cute in a toddler, but is shockingly and monstrously detestable done by an adult.  Observing one can make you want to gauge your eyes out. It’s hideous.

Parents and the family play a large roll in our psychological development and no ones parents or siblings are perfect. Be alerted if anyone states their mother, father and family were perfect and without flaws. Many times, this kind of denial is part of their fake existence as they try to keep anything negative suppressed to keep their facade intact. Denial is a prominent tool of the narcissist’s existence and assists to keep their fragile self intact. They develop certain beliefs because those beliefs allow them to maintain their  so-called ‘psychological stability’. So any  threat to their beliefs is considered a direct threat to the person’s fragile psychological stability.

Therefore, if they are awakened and acknowledge their parent/family’s flaws then it can make the narcissist feel even more fragile and lost because some  narcissists have an unhealthy connection to one or both parents and hold onto it as if it’s their life line that creates their existence… going from love to hate and back again but never just genuine acceptance.

The most narcissistic people I have known fall into this category. They have created a facade that their family is perfection, when it’s quite the opposite and they have much buried emotional pain, etc. that they have endured as they fragmented themselves trying  to fit in where they didn’t. Therefore, forever or until and if, they decide to dig really deep to heal, they will use much energy suppressing these buried memories and the emotions connected to them which causes depression. 

After all, the issue with narcissism, depression and other mental disorders is an inability to genuinely and authentically process, feel and express emotions.  To be and live in the authentic genuine self, you must have the ability to see things as they really were/are and not as you want them to be. By so doing, you are free to create and live an authentic life, to be loved and to love another, etc.

The romantic relationship is where these deep seated wounds are more easily seen and exposed with have the possibility of being healed because being that close to another is as close as we come to being truly vulnerable, but it takes courage to do this. It’s as close as we get to the child, mother, father connection. Those deep and profound imprints that drive us our whole life in both negative and positive ways, either to our destruction or onto our healing and authentic wholeness.

To love another genuinely, one must become/be the authentic self, or the love will be shallow.

Empaths are giving. They put others before themselves.  A narcissist will only put another before themselves when they are trying to hook the person in to get their narcissist supply.

Narcissists seek me out because of my empathic nature. Many times, I knew I was dealing with coldness and strangeness, with shallow, self-serving emotions, other times, I didn’t know until I did.  Some were overtly abusive and cruel, escaped into alcoholism, gambling, affairs,  others covertly,  fell into depression and excuses for no apparent reason, except for the pursuit of escape, in their fear of being really seen, and known, or when reality became too real and they either had to change to have any semblance of being a genuine feeling human being or escape….

While interacting with them, I began to have stomach aches, or feel ill in some way that was not my usual way of feeling and when I called them on their issues, they tried to project them onto me. Even projecting so much as to call me, for example: a narcissist because I take selfies.  Projection is a key tool of the narcissist and others who are disordered.  They can’t look at self in any authentic way, so have to make it about the other person, when it’s really about them.

Empaths being self-aware with the desire to be caring, empathetic and authentic to self may take on the narcissist’s projections until they wake up and realize that none of it is about them. A narcissist can devastate an empath’s self-esteem, even making them feel mentally and physically ill. Being around pathology can make healthy people ill. 

Recently,  I reconnected with a psychologist, I had gone to years ago after a divorce. She is retired now and we spent much time talking about narcissists and empaths. At my request,  I took some personality tests to affirm what I already knew, that I am predominantly an empath. On one of the empathic/narcissist tests, I scored 90 percent empathic.

A psychologist once said to me : “He USED you! He wanted from you what he didn’t have–you were a challenge. He wanted your high energy, your enthusiasm for life, your kindness towards others, your class, your good-looks–he wanted it all…and then….once he had it, and the challenge was no longer there, it wasn’t fun for him anymore,  and he either had to anti-up or destroy it all to escape and slide right back into his comfortable depressive state where he’s spent most of his miserable life. After all the romance and ‘l love yous’, then to say, “All I am capable of is friendship.” What fucking bullshit to treat you so shabbily and say that shit to you!”

The above  paragraph is the exact and perfect example of the way a narcissist behaves.

A narcissist’s primary goal is to manipulate for self-serving agenda. An empath’s primary goal is to love and to heal.  So a relationship with a narcissist is toxic for an empath.

We all have varying traits that hit on every aspect of the psychological spectrum. It’s when very many are in one, that  a person is deemed to have a personality disorder.

A review of narcissist traits:  shallow emotions, flat or shallow affect, goes from high to low emotions, (range of degree can even be bi-polar), many short term romantic relationships, rarely commits,  cheats, boasts, lives dangerously or on the edge, suppresses anger and other emotions, rage and anger can come out of nowhere,  impatient, bouts of depression, only interested in self, selfish, can go from appearing loving and giving to cold and non-giving in a short span of time, and for no apparent reason,  and many would rather be alone than with people. They don’t actually like people, unless, it’s to get their ‘fix’ for their narcissist supply. They are cold and calculating, whether aware of what they are doing or not and most are aware … and all this has little to nothing to do with taking selfies…

Also, there can be mixed psychological issues, such as narcissist/borderline – narcissist/avoidant disorder, etc. But the bottom line is these people are psychologically disordered and can wreck havoc in the lives of those who live in authenticity with emotions in tact, able to give  and to receive love.  People who  are empaths.

Giving to another in love is the greatest blessing we have on earth. The greatest lesson we may all ever learn, is to love and be loved in return. This is especially true for the narcissistic personality type as they learn to give and for the empath to learn that love is received in return.

“There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations”.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The needy self-absorbed man…

self-absorbedI have a male/acquaintance/friend who is in his 50’s and very ill. He has spent his life as a playboy being obsessed with how a woman looks and sex. He’s never married, laughed at it and put it down. He is  now alone and lonely. Parents are gone and friends off with their lives. He’s pathetic. I feel sorry for him, always have. He called me last night whining that he has no one to talk to. He is alone and can barely take care of his own needs. He needs assistance to shower, etc. 
He has only cared about himself and his needs and wants. He doesn’t even listen when you talk with him. I have talked about God.. but he laughs at me. He doesn’t think there is a God.
Men need women for much more than sex and how she looks. A man who objectifies  women usually turns out like this one … alone. I have seen it happen many times. When they get old or sick, can’t rockin’ roll and their resources dwindle… they are left alone with nothing. The women that he chose for her looks, only wanted him for what he gave her as in excitement or gifts while he only wanted her for her body and how it temporarily made him feel.
Men if you are fortunate enough to have a woman love you, you might want to cherish her for all her gifts. It’s been proven that a man needs a woman more than she needs a man.
Women alone live longer than men alone. Why is this? A woman assists a man in processing his emotions. She cares for and nurtures his needs. When he provides, commits and protects this creates a great balance. But when he doesn’t… it falls apart… the balance never occurs.
When a man is so needy that he is driven to suck off many women with no commitment, he is really cutting himself off from what he really needs, but this kind of man is too insecure, can’t allow vulnerability or be real within himself, so he distances emotions and feelings for the temporary charge and escape of sex and being in control and in the end he loses big time!  
Women can do this for themselves. They process their emotions more easily, so why would any sane woman want to take on the neediness of a man without his full commitment to her and respect of her whole self? Women who share their bodies with a man without the wholeness of commitment are fools. They are fools looking to temporarily escape who they are in reality and wholeness and it is a big fail in the end for both. 
The real deal with the ‘never married man’, forty and up, is they can’t commit, are afraid of failure and real intimacy. So, they objectify women and diminish marriage and commitment to make themselves feel better about their inability to commit, to choose, and to make long term relationship decisions.

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

Oscar Wilde

Vulnerablity…what we all want is to be…

???????????????????????????????accepted and loved for who we are, all that we are, and to be fully seen and understood for being a ‘unique individual’. That someone will see us in our good, our strengths, our bad and our weaknesses, in the fullness of our vulnerability, the wholeness of who we are and love us. 

To experience this is what love and acceptance are… and what most all of us desire, want and even crave. To be seen physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually naked, open and raw, and to still be loved…

We have the desire to feel and to know that the real us, the whole of us, is indeed lovable and acceptable..

In an intimate relationship when you reveal your weaknesses, fragility, holes and wounds to another, or get close enough, so that they are obvious, is when you are at your most vulnerable. When your vulnerability is revealed, a person with the ability to love and who loves you, will support and protect you and your wounds.

The ability to be vulnerable and to love and be loved are one… There will not be one without the other… to love you must become vulnerable… love and vulnerability go hand in hand…

In the romantic love relationship, when, and if, we are accepted, protected and honored for who we are, all of who we are, in both our weaknesses and strengths is when we have the opportunity to heal our wounds to become more of who we are and are meant to be. This is what relationship is about and for… and sure, it can be in friendship, but the most powerful and intense is the romantic love relationship. And if your love is also your friend … there lies the best of both worlds…

But, if we reveal our inner selves, our soft core and show our vulnerability to the ‘wrong’ kind of person and we are exploited, made fun of, or diminished for being who we are…more wounds can be created and old wounds made deeper. So it’s a risk to reveal your vulnerabilities and it is the predators, the evil, the emotionally unhealthy of this world who will seek to harm others through their vulnerabilities.

Predators  and cons will do everything they can and think of to get a person to reveal their vulnerabilities, so that they can come in for the kill.

People who really love you, will support you when you need it, have your back, protect you and will accept and nurture you through your vulnerabilities. Anything else is not love and should be walked away from… and deemed as fraudulent.

Some people can’t love because they are fearful of becoming vulnerable to another… but love can only be fully experienced once vulnerability occurs…

To truly love and be loved, you must become vulnerable. Love is not for the weak or insecure… it is for those brave enough, mature enough, aware enough to allow vulnerability.

At the first sign, when you feel tweaked internally, if someone disrespects you, makes fun of your most vulnerable self, exploits you, abuses you, taunts you, etc., they are not caring of your highest interests and are not good for you. They don’t care about you and certainly don’t or can’t love…

So feel and listen to how you feel internally and be very aware how those who ‘claim’ to care and love treat you.

The most revealing aspect is how someone treats you when you are at your weakest, most needy, or wounded and vulnerable. This will tell you volumes about who they really are and their ability, or inability to love…

It is easy to love when everything is happy, sexy, fun, new and adventuresome… but real love is based on the whole of the person… and the whole of the life experiences revealed through another.

To be truly seen, understood and accepted… is to be loved.

“When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him – or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” – Tim Keller

Take care of you, protect your holes and wounds, protect your soul…
You are a precious child of God. After all, he knows all your vulnerabilities and loves you still and fully, the all of you, the whole of you. God knows and accepts you…

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Do you have the ability to love truly and deeply?…

???????????????????????????????Can you love? I am talking romantic love here, the love between a man and woman.There are different kinds and levels of love.. friendship, parental-child, love of God… 

But do you know what real love is… the love that can only be experienced between a man and a woman in a romantic bond and enduring love because of the nature of their beings and their respective bodies?
A man gives and a woman receives

Love is deep affection and caring for another. Love is to care and nurture for the well-being of another. Love is kindness, consideration, respect, trust, compassion, forgiveness, sharing, understanding, tolerance, commitment, awareness of needs and desires.

Love is not sex. Sex is not love. Sex can be and was meant to be an expression of love in the physical body… to bring pleasure and release and in that closeness and release it’s possible that another human being be created. A child created out of love is a blessing from God.

Sex ‘can’ be an expression of love, but sex in itself, is not love
.

If you think sex is love, you are lost. Mistaking sex for love can lead to much unhappiness, frustration, loss, pain and despair.

Love endures… being able to dislike the person you love, be irritated by them, argue with them, see them through their ups and downs, help them and, at times, put their needs before yours, is what love is about… but only if this is done in return… as love is a circle.

Love makes you vulnerable and many are too weak to allow themselves to be vulnerable.

When you are emotionally intimate, you share your wounds, your pain, your vulnerabilities and if that love is shared with an equal, one who has the ability to truly love, they will protect you in this regard. But an insecure, weak, immature, manipulative predator will use your vulnerability against you to their advantage and gain.. and this is not love, and should be seen for what it is and gotten away from as quickly as possible.

It’s my opinion, that until a man has a child, he may not even have a real knowing of what love is. Because until then, many men mistake sex for love, and behave accordingly and when the rush of the sex excitement diminishes, or wears off, they think that ‘love’ is gone… when it was never there in the first place.

Then the children born from a love, or children in the home, should not be put before the love between the man and woman. Children learn how to love by observing their parent’s love relationship. The bond is clearly between the two adults with the children being just outside that circle to observe and learn with the reflection of the love bestowed and showered onto the children. This observance is what makes a child feel really loved,secure within and with the knowledge of how to express love, give love and live with another. The parental example and modeling imprints a child for their whole life.

Love really begins to grow when sex takes its proper place and perspective in the relationship…

Love is commitment, honor, respect, trust, enduring, pain, happiness, joy, friendship,

perseverance, growth, communication…And it is not for the immature or insecure because they can’t handle it, nor do they deserve it. Immaturity and insecurity wreck havoc in the love relationship. Love and relationship are for the mature and secure… those with the capacity to become aware, grow, learn, accept and reflect.Love endures. Love is making a life together where both are satisfied and honored with the room to express themselves, together and individually.

A man protects. A woman nurtures.. A man creates a safe place for a woman and she blossoms. Together with their strengths and weaknesses, they thrive in joint effort and creation.

Jesus treated His mother and all women with the deepest respect. We honor all women by showing them the same love and respect that Jesus showed to women.

Women have been abused and put down by men–sometimes very crudely and cruelly. But Jesus is the perfect man, the man God wants every man to emulate. This is the kind of man God wants every woman to know in her life.

The highest reach of what love is on earth ….the merging of the male/female… 

Do you agree or believe differently?
Do you have the ability to love truly and deeply? I know I do.

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My ‘good’ friend…

???????????????????????????????Some people refer to ‘everyone’ they meet as their ‘good friend’ …even people they have just met, or actually, barely even know…

I have found that people who do this, actually are a ‘real, or good’ friend to few if any…as ‘their claim’ of a ‘good friend’ is shallow, meaningless, and empty…

A good friend is few and far between…and claiming it before it is … is like saying ‘I love you’ to everyone you meet, before you even know them…

Friendship takes time to grow, expand and develop… just like love does…

It’s offensive and off-putting to express serious feelings too fast and prematurely. It’s infringing on boundaries, controlling and often times, agenda-filled… as in, since you are my ‘good friend’ you are indebted to me in some regard…’What can you do for me? What can I ‘get’ from you? How will ‘you’ be useful to ‘me’?’  Their claim on you is self-serving. It appears false because it is false as it’s too fast to be sincere and to be based in any sort of reality.

It’s wearing your heart on your sleave and claiming something that isn’t yours to claim… to sway, manipulate, to control, to claim power over the person you are ‘claiming’ a connection with, to smooze, to ‘associate’, affiliate yourself with, to become too familiar too quickly, to make oneself ‘appear’ popular, and is often used to name drop…

I find it offensive for someone to call me their ‘good friend’ before they know me…it’s presumptive, too familiar and infringes on my boundaries… and I immediately become suspicious of motives…

Meeting someone once and having lunch or dinner with them … does not make you ‘good friends’… And over the Internet, interacting is not being good friends… someone you have never laid eyes on is NOT your ‘good friend’ and certainly does NOT love you… as they don’t really know you and you don’t really know them…

Is the Internet contributing to people thinking someone they barely know is a ‘good friend’? It’s fun to interact with those on the Internet, but they are not your ‘good friends’… reality is that you could pass them on the street and might not even recognize them… yet some share their heart, deepest thoughts and lives with these ‘virtual’ strangers and think these people that they have never met ‘really’ hold them in regard and care… It’s being superficial and inane.

The Internet is a place to share ideas and information with others…occasionally interacting this way is brought into ‘real life’…
and friends are made… but….’Good friends’ are in person, day to day…

You may have an attraction,, an interest or feel that you would like to get to know them better… but what you feel or think in a first encounter or over the Internet can turn out to be not the case when you actually and really do get to know them…

Friendship is precious, and as in anything worthwhile, it takes time to develop.

It’s better to have one ‘real’ good friend than many superficial ones who really don’t know you and whom you really don’t know. These are called ‘acquaintances’ and they have the ‘possibility’ of becoming friendships. But to become a good, trustworthy, reliable and true friend takes time, experiences, interactions, compatibility, similar values, standards and commitment through good times and bad and not many friendships hold up under all this …

Acquaintance – One’s ‘slight’ knowledge of or friendship with someone.

There will be many ‘acquaintances’ in your life and few ‘good friends’… in fact, you will be considered fortunate as it is rare to have even one really good friend during your lifetime….

So be leery of anyone who tries to claim you as a ‘good’ friend, when they barely know you and you barely know them. Also anyone who ‘claims’ to love you too quickly when it is impossible yet for them to even know you … so impossible that they could ‘love’ you … RUN AWAY FAST!

Agree or not?…

Lunch with my ‘little liberal friend’…

Did you ‘get’ the ‘Scarface movie reference? “Say hello to my little friend.” HAHAHA! Anyway…

Okay,I’ve known her for over 20 years and we have been though much together…we have many beliefs and values that are similar and some that are in exact opposition. We usually get along and have a great time, but then sometimes, we argue and it can become intense…politics is what does it…In my opinion, somewhere she took a strange turn in her life…fell on her head or something… I believe in Christ and God and she believes in God…
I think Obama is the worst president. And she likes him. I think Obama’s healthcare is socialism and she likes it.

Recently, on a hot summer day, we had lunch at an excellent Italian restaurant in Plano, called Isabella’s. I highly recommend it. My liberal friend and I have always enjoyed eating and cooking together.
 
We shared pasta, a veggie sandwiche, and an exquisite apple tarte for dessert… while we caught up on what’s going on in our lives and the world…

Talk, fun, eating, talk, fun, eating…

Then….

The topic turns to politics!

My face pretty much says it all…
 
Do you think conservatives and liberals have difficulty maintaining  friendships? I didn’t realize that she and I were so different in this area, until Obama appeared on the scene.

Side note … I don’t have a bald spot on the side of my head.. my hair must’ve been combed strangely, or it was the lighting or something?… I mean, there’s important then there’s really important…

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THE BITCH FACTOR

by Ann

What are the elements that make or create a Bitch? We all know them. We cringe at what they say, how they say it and how they act. Their words are cutting. Their gossip severe. They are two-faced, witchy woman. We all have elements of the Bitch factor in us, at times. 

Sometimes, being called a bitch is an insult and at other times, it can actually be a compliment.

bitch (bch)

n.

1. A female canine animal, especially a dog.
2. Offensive

3. Slang A complaint.
4. Slang Something very unpleasant or difficult.
v. bitched, bitch·ing, bitch·es Slang
v.intr.

To complain; grumble.
v.tr.

To botch; bungle. Often used with up.

a. A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.
b. A lewd woman.
c. A man considered to be weak or contemptible.

“Sometimes, all a woman has left, is to be a bitch.”  — What movie is this quote from? Hint: It stars an Oscar Winner. 


What makes up a Bitch?
  When, what, or who makes your Bitch factor emerge? And how does it manifest itself?

Come on BITCH to me, baby!!!

I have PMS and a GPS which means that I’m a bitch who’ll find you!

The Gift of Friendship…

Friendship is the gift of  time, respect, caring, honesty, truthfulness, and being genuine among other attributes. And the only time a true friend will block you is when you are on the way down.

There are all kinds of friends. There are long time friends that you see every so often, but the moment you see them, it’s like you catch  up right away and it feels as if no time as passed at all. 

There are old friends from high school or college that you don’t see much, but with whom you have lasting and bonding memories and a sweet familiarity that comforts.

There are friends that enter your life for awhile while then go on their way.

Some people have many ‘friends’ around them. They surround themselves with people. Some, they know well, some, they don’t really know at all, but it doesn’t matter, they have the need to surround themselves with activity and people. It’s as if talking about how many friends they have makes them feel some how important and better about themselves  They are people collectors. They have a need to be attached to groups. They may use people and be ‘social climbers’ as they are not really close to anyone and will turn on them and turn them in for a new friend at their whim. Then will re-establish the ‘friendship’ with the person that they were backstabbing, if and when the mood suits them.  They are all about themselves and are not a true friend to anyone and that includes to their self. I am sure that you have experienced them. They smooch up to everyone and care about no one. They suck energy, chew people up, then spit them out.

Those who gossip with you, gossip about you.
 
Some people have a close knit group that travels with them throughout life, as if the bond and memories from childhood, high school or college holds them together for a lifetime. 

A habit, sport, interest, or lifestyle can bond people, ie, overweight people may bond together – those that workout may group  together – art lovers or bird watchers usually enjoy being around like-minded people.

Addictions sustain some friendships…drinking buddies… those that do drugs. Stock Photo - women drinking martinis. fotosearch - search stock photos, pictures, wall murals, images, and photo clipart
But when the addiction is confronted and let go of, the ‘friendship’ usually ceases. There are positive friend influences then there are negative…the uplifting and the degrading.

Some people have a variety of friends with many interests and in varying groups.

Others continue to grow past friendships, as their life changes, their circle of friends change, also. They continue learning, growing, so friends from their past, while still there, are not as revelent as before. Some are fearful of new friends. They may venture out, but then pull back as the demand for growth overwhelms them and they long for the comfort of familiarity.

Some are stuck in a time frame, where they felt the happiest, and most accepted or they are stunted and don’t want, or have a fear of growing and changing past old comfort zones. Like holding onto an article of clothing or sticking with the same hairstyle when you
‘thought’ that you were the most attractive,  Some may stick with old groups, afraid ‘to’ change… afraid ‘of’ change. Stuck in a rut … all the friends stay stuck together.

Some stick in a group that they ‘think’ keeps them young. Others desire friends of an intellectual challenge. 

The tension to grow and rise up can also be the catalyst for friendship. Being around stimulating friends that test your mettle and challenge your thoughts and lifestyle can be both exhilarating and fun.

There is nothing like the comfort of a true friend. Someone that really knows and accepts you, flaws and all.

But a true friend is difficult to find and to develop, as it takes both people to have integrity in the friendship, and the resilience and self-awareness to grow, change, forgive, and heal together. If you have one or two really good and true friends in your lifetime, you are blessed.

You are free to let your guard down among true friends. All tests will bring the same result that you remain together. A true friend helps hide your vulnerability while allowing for confrontation.  A true friend helps you to recognize and fill up your holes.  A true friend will look at themselves and their behavior and ‘own it’ when they have wronged you.  A true friend rebounds time and time again. An enemy exploits or runs away from the truth of friendship thus avoiding the truth of whom, and, of what they are.

A true friend is quick to apologize when they are wrong. A true friend releases wrongs and doesn’t hold grudges. While disagreeing and arguing, a true friend listens, forgives and looks for ways to resolve.

Sometimes, you can misjudge a friendship and think someone is true then you discover that they are using you, talking behind your back, or trying to make themselves feel important by putting you down, or are after you for what you have, or whom you know. They may appear sweet and sincere, but you soon realize that they are false and phony. Our friend-enemies are destroyed, the moment we make our stand and witness against them.

Friends can define you and you can know someone by the company that they keep.

And different friends bring out different attributes in yourself to either recognize and to grow from, or into, as friendship is a mirror and reflection. Friendships are community and communication and is, perhaps, why we are here on earth. 

I would rather have one true friend than a boat load of superficial or false ones. 

Most of us have a mix of friendships, long time ones, business friends, social friends, acquaintance friends, party friends, activity friends, confide in friends, mentor friends, internet friends, etc.,

What kind of friendships do you have? Are you a true friend to others?
What constitutes a true friend to you?

IS SHE REALLY MY FRIEND?

by Ann

I met her in an art gallery, years ago, to discover we’re from the same town. We went to upper-class rival schools and belonged to the same country club. I was the serious, ballet, student type. She a social club, smoker, drinker, hangs with the ‘cool’ kids type.  So, back then, our paths never crossed. 

 

She was overly thin with long, blond hair and wore jeans with lots of jewelry in an effort to show her ‘wealth’. I only noticed her because she flaunted what she was buying. At first glance, I thought she appeared phony. A couple of pieces of good jewelry are all a ‘real’ lady wears. But, we liked the same art and began a friendship on the commonalities of being from the same city and now living here.

 

She’s divorcing a doctor and dating a man that she eventually marries. She has two children and he has many. His divorce and bad business deals, once wealthy, leaves him, bankrupt. She has a couple of million from her divorce. I’m newly married living in a large house in a posh area.

 

We lunch, shop, talk about life, money, and men. Discovering my husband is controlling and abusive, I divorce.

My friend, her husband, and I attend black tie and social events together. They become a part of my comfort that a good relationship is possible in my future. He like a brother to me with a blond on one arm and a brunette on the other. They smoke and drink lots.  I’ve never smoked and only occasionally drink wine or champagne. I spend holidays with them enjoying what I ‘think’ is a contented family. She begins to over indulge in food and liquor. I work out, and take classes to focus on myself and try to understand why my life isn’t going as I planned, which is to be in a healthy, fulfilled relationship.

While I pinch pennies, she flaunts her husband’s success as she shops and puts on pounds. Then one night under the influence of a bottle of wine, she complains about how he’s going through her money and the many issues with his children and his ex. The mother of his kids is apparently crazy and the kids are of that lineage. Meanwhile, I date many, but as soon, as I see some dysfunction, I bolt. 
 

One hot summer evening, my doorbell rings. It’s my friend’s husband who just happens to be in my area, while she is out of town.  He’s been drinking and wants to take a swim. Outside, in the dark, I sit by the pool averting my eyes as he peels off his clothing and swims nude. “Hey, take a swim with me?”, he insists.
“No thanks.” I uncomfortably respond.

 

He swims to the side of the pool places his arms on the edge. “I bet you’re a good kisser?”

‘What?’ I think, but say stunned. “Um, I guess, I can be. It’s been awhile.”

He goes on. “You’re great looking. I’m really attracted to you.”

I answer dumb founded. “Thanks but…”

 

He then jumps out of the pool, wraps a towel around his waist, and pounces spider-like quickly, to kiss my cheek then my neck. I freeze in disbelief, with the certain knowing, that this man has done this before and probably allot.  He sits beside me kissing my neck. “You are beautiful and God, your body is so great.”

I jump up and push him away. “What about Maggie?” I walk into my house. “Please, leave!” He follows.  “Yes, okay.” He exits to a bathroom. Walks out dressed then quickly down the hallway to the front door, it closes. I take a deep breath and begin to cry.

 

As life goes on, Maggie alternately brags about his successes, how they’re soul mates then complains about his drinking, taking care of his children, and money woes. I listen, but say nothing in my knowing.  She gains more weight.

I keep fit, date, am a bit lonely, but hold true to myself and what I want, which is to heal so that I will recognize dysfunction and attract a healthy relationship. She’s always late when we meet. I call her. She doesn’t answer the phone or call me back. Then suddenly, she resurfaces. We lunch. She stuffs food into her swollen body and shops buying everything in sight. I eat lightly and don’t waste my money.

 

Then one day, she’s late for lunch and no apology. She overeats, saying. “I’ve got to get this weight off. I also want to get my eyes done, but no money to do it.” We ride to a discount shop in her car that smells of cigarette smoke. “Smoking, is aging Maggie.  Stop smoking and maybe, you won’t worry about your eyes.” She laughs arrogantly. “All the really wealthy, international people smoke. Maybe, that’s why you weren’t in with the popular, wealthy kids in high school.” Now, I’ve had it, so respond. “Smoking is disgusting and has nothing to do with wealth or class and who cares about high school. We’re middle-aged.” She slams back, “Well, all the international people smoke.”

 

I am feeling total disgust as I look over at her. This woman is married to a man who’s gone through all her money. So now, she’s dependant on him. They live on credit cards. She takes care of his kids and talks about them all the time. I guess to prove to herself her value. If she is talking about and caring for kids, she will have less time to worry about  herself and what she has gotten herself in. She’s more overweight and with more wrinkles appearing, each time, I see her, add to that a double chin. All this on a woman, who spends hours putting on make-up and frets about her appearance and who wears what and who buys what and who’s who and on and on.

Had I been of low morals, her husband would have had an affair with me. I chuckle to myself. And now, this woman is trying to put me down for not smoking. My family is one of the most successful in the town that we once lived in and hers? Well, she likes to pretend that she is from great wealth or some such. And she didn’t even know me in high school. So, what she is saying about me is her fantasy.

 

As we shop, I watch, as she scours the bargains, hungrily filling her basket with faux jewels that she doesn’t need, because she has real ones from her grandmother. Or are they real?

 

On this day, I see my friend with fresh eyes, or are they the same eyes, that were accurate, when I first saw her and thought her phoney? She’s everything, I’m not, and would never want to be. Who she is, shows me, all that I am. I like me. I don’t like being with her, don’t like me when I am with her and have nothing more to say.

 

Back in the car, she blabs “Men don’t look at a middle-aged women.”

“Really, I date all the time and men at aerobics,  younger than me, come onto to me.”

“Well, they’re not really after you.”

“Oh then, what are they after?” (Might this be projection on her part?)
 

Here this woman who went from one marriage to another, has never been alone or dated or … and she puts me down for taking care of myself and not settling. Then in the next breath states because of my age that no man is interested.

 

In her pouting silence, I think to myself, ‘Goodbye, ‘friend’, I’ll leave you to the international, wealthy smokers. I’m tired of your smokecreen!’

 

Can anyone relate – keeping a friend too long that tries to make you feel bad about yourself? Then you wake-up and realize…