Category Archives: Dating

Love is for the brave, not the weak. What is genuine love?

It’s hard to love someone through the ups and downs, the good, bad and ugly and that is why commitment is required. It’s difficult and makes one feel vulnerable to allow someone to see all sides, the dark, the bad, the fears, etc. instead of only the good, the better, the ‘image’, etc.  – that is why commitment is important, even required.
When things get hard, it’s easy to exit and be onto someone who will see you with fresh eyes and that you can fool for awhile into thinking that you are such a good, nice, kind, successful person, etc. – whatever your persona or whichever way it is that you ‘need’ to view yourself and, or to be viewed to feel ‘okay’ about yourself and to keep your image in tact.

Some weak, insecure people can’t/don’t genuinely love and commit because they are fearful of their wounds, their weaknesses being revealed and seen because they then would need to address, heal and correct them to become more whole, in order to feel that they are worthy to self and another. As long as they can keep those things hidden and what they ‘think’ is out of sight, they ‘feel’ that they are ‘okay’ – when they really aren’t. Facing your wounds, your issues can be painful and it’s the brave who do so. Love is for the brave, not the weak.

The challenge of the love relationship and life is when others see who you really are and when you see who they really are – all their different sides and you still love one another through thick and thin.  That is what love is – that is what commitment is. That is why the vows of marriage are as they are – for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, good times and not so good, forsaking all others as long as we both shall live, along with ‘let no one put asunder’.

It’s easy to love when everything is perfect – not so easy when it isn’t, but the genuine enduring fulfillment comes when a couple goes through the thick and thin of life together.  Vows of a love relationship are not – ‘I will love you, until I see that you aren’t perfect, we have troubles, or you get sick, or  when you might see the real me and leave me.’

The benefit of love is that it challenges both individuals to become their best, to heal their wounds, address their issues, by rubbing their souls against one another for the benefit of both. Love is the most clear and profound mirror you will ever have.
There are some fatal flaws that which are if an individual is too weak or ignorant to address and that another can’t abide, until awareness, healing and change occurs  – as in cheating, addictions, or abuse, etc. 

Only if you tell someone that you love them, but can’t love them through their worse place, time or situation, or when they behave their worst, then what is your love worth? Not much. The times when people behave their worst is when they need love the most. Actually, it may be a cry out for love. Sometimes, it might need to be tough love.
Relationship is ultimately for healing of the individual soul and also together as the whole – a commitment of support, care and nurturing. It’s not for sucking off the good times, the sexual energy, the beauty, the allure, the excitement as in the beginning of romance, or the success, or exploitation of everything you can get, until or before you are seen for who and what you are – then off you go to find fresh prey.  Love is for giving, not what you can get. It’s a circle of giving and receiving – not always equal at times, but it will work out for the well-being of both in the long range, when and if both are committed.

Love is not for quitters, losers, the weak, or fair-weather friends. It’s for the winners, healers, tenacious, aware, strong, brave, etc,   It’s not a sprint. It’s a long distance run.  It’s the most genuine fulfilling place on earth to be and the only thing that lasts through eternity. People in love, oftentimes live longer and stay in better health. And the glow and commitment that can be seen in the faces and energy of those who have made this journey together are palatable as it’s an energy that emits a glow that heals not only themselves, but others and out into the world.

Tools to assist in awareness with opportunity for healing – DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – memoir/self-help & FEAST OF MEN – story of a woman’s heart. Male/female the most powerful connection/attraction on earth – created differently for respective individual purposes, but equal.

Can insecure fearful people…

love another for genuine reasons?

Insecure fearful people are overly focused on self and what they lack and what they are trying to gain in order to feel better about themselves. So can they genuinely care for or love another? They are most always looking to fill themselves up in some way, instead of giving to another and to, at times be able to fill another up.
Love is about what you give, not what you take.When an insecure fearful person does give, they most always have a need, even must feel like they have some kind of gain or reward in it for themselves, or it isn’t worth it to them.  When, or if an insecure taker does give, they are more concerned that others see what they did and that they get approval and applause for their giving, rather than to be focused on just the pure pleasure of giving to another. Their innate insecurity creates an inner need to make everything about themselves. Many times, their insecurity leads them to be controlling of others.

Momentary pleasure with a temporary feeling of security are only when they gain something or feel good about themselves – so they can pat their needy little selves on the back.  They suck off the energy of others to get through their miserably dark and lacking life, instead of dealing with their inner turmoil, issues and feelings of insecurity. They may even appear egotistical in their words and behaviors to cover-up for their innate insecurity.

They attract to beauty, money, success, status and things that they ‘think’ will rub off on them and give them a brighter facade or image – in order to build up their insecure ego. 

In a love relationship – there will be a circle of giving and receiving and at times, one may need more than the other because of life circumstances, etc. – but when, or if one begins to feel drained, used and taken for granted – in ‘aware’ love, the other will sense this and connect with them in comforting love – as in hugging, touching, nurturing, or a look in the eyes. But an insecure, needy, self-serving, selfish person will rarely if ever recognize need or lack in another, unless, it serves their self-interest to do so – as in they will gain attention, prestige, sex, gifts, money, or reward of some sort, etc.

Example: in relationship – you can handle their moods and issues, but they can’t handle yours. And not only that, they ‘expect’ you to handle theirs, and will feel put upon whenever there is a need for them to handle your emotions or moods.
Think the woman who can’t stand it when her husband shows weakness in some area – or the man who negates his tired wife’s need for rest and attention. These people are so overly about having their own needs met through the other, than to truly care for and love the other – with little ability to see, recognize the other person as separate, with their own issues, needs and pain.

If your well-being is overly tied to your partner, you will be internally that of a needy child.
On the flip side, if your partner can’t have a melt down with your support  and understanding then you are not  being there for them – but are there only for your selfish-self and childish needs.  If you expect your partner to be perfect in your eyes and out in the world at all times – think of the pressure you are putting on them. Relationship is a place where you can rest and be rejuvenated, to feel and  know that you will be comforted and cared for when you are not at your best.  It is a place to sustain you when you are down and to lift you up.

If you are too insecure and weak to face your issues and pain, you will deflect and project them onto another – trying to make something wrong about them, in order to make yourself feel better about you. 

Love is a combination of acceptance of another, while having self- awareness and growth at the same time.

There are individual fatal flaws that make relationship impossible as in – cheating, addictions, lack of genuine commitment, need to escape at any sign of stress or conflict, inability to have empathy as in seeing your partner’s side of the situation with understanding. If a person is addicted to anything then their relationship is with the addiction instead of their partner –  that addiction may be alcohol, drugs, food, TV, porn, parental approval whether parent be dead or alive, and material things such as collections, etc.
Relationship is for giving, receiving and ultimately healing and growth both individually and together to equal balance in self and in one another. It takes much self-awareness and a mature openness in both  individuals to merge with another in genuine love and commitment. Otherwise, it’s just playing, like a child does and becomes a game to see who can take and get their needs met in spite of the  needs of the other.

In today’s world, there is much narcissism, selfishness, materialism, self-centeredness, lack of commitment, immorality, inability to self-reflect, lack of ability to look at self in genuine awareness. And because of this lack there are many unhappy, depressed, anxiety-ridden, addicted even tormented people. Immaturity is rampant. Accountability and responsibility are lacking.

There is no relationship without accountability and responsibility. It’s about commitment to self in awareness and growth as well as commitment to one another. This is what makes relationship so rich, worthwhile and life worth living.

In relationship is where you learn about yourself  in ‘relation’ to another human being with the ability to become more and this is even in casual daily passing relationships. Only ultimately and more importantly, it is intensely experienced in the love relationship. You were attracted to another and brought together for a reason and purpose. If you shut down, runaway or escape when it gets difficult or becomes real, you are not only harming your partner but ultimately yourself.

When commitment, accountability and responsibility are negated, put down, diminished, dismissed, ignored and escaped from in our individual lives, we are creating  a distorted, fractured, weak immoral society and  world – wherein self-pleasure, selfishness and self- centeredness rule and ultimately there is much self misery.

Books to assist in awareness and growth DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – memoir/self-help & FEAST OF MEN – story of a woman’s heart – Both available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc. in e-book and soft cover.

Extreme feminism is toxic …

Extreme feminism is destroying romantic love along with limiting, perhaps even destroying the balancing of male/female energies on earth. God created male and female  – the perfect complement to one another – the most powerful connect/attraction on earth.  Satan/evil is trying to disrupt and destroy this balance.  Deep in a feminine woman’s heart is the need and desire that she feel taken care of by her man.  She has a deep desire to feel supported by him – to feel held up when she is down – to have strong arms to fall into when her storms of life hit – when she feels anxious, uncertain, fearful, overwhelmed, etc.  A feminine woman wants and needs the strong masculine energy.
Male and female energies balance each other – are different yet equal.  Feminine energy is powerful. And when a feminine woman has to/tries to be the man for herself in a relationship; she becomes drained, angry, stressed and feels as if perhaps, she doesn’t need the male energy after all. Some men have become feminine in their energy and women are losing respect for them. The more feminine the men become, the more in her male energy a woman feels she needs to be. Men become frustrated and angry and so do women when this occurs. Women are behaving like men to try to become and feel equal and it’s making them feel many things, instead of equal. And men are losing attraction to these women and even treating them like men. Women and men were always meant to be equal. They are equal by being who they are – who they were created to be by God. Otherwise, it’s destroying feminine power long with weakening the male power and turning it all into a distortion.
Having a strong, masculine man to spend a life with is the most important thing to an innately feminine women who stands in her feminine power. The same is accurate for a masculine man, he desires the power of the divine feminine as his partner. A masculine man makes his woman able to feel like a girl again – able to feel safe and protected.  A masculine man makes a feminine woman feel great in her body. She doesn’t mind giving up the lead because she feels safe and wisely guided.  A woman may be able to make money, be a success in the world, have children without a man,  even fight for herself, but a feminine woman still craves a masculine man. 
    It may feel vulnerable to admit this, since woman have been brainwashed  into thinking that to need, want, even crave the masculine is not being a ‘feminist’. 

Perhaps, women have been conned to, lied to and have been lying to themselves to believe and think that they don’t need a man. Not to survive, or live or that she can’t take care of herself and her own needs, but that she wants to need a man. Not being or feeling ‘needy’, but because the masculine energy lights her up, holds her should she fall and protects her. Nothing is wrong with ‘needing’. We have been brainwashed into thinking that a woman ‘needing’ a man and a man ‘needing’ a woman is wrong or weak. When needing is  innate and natural. It’s actually only the strong who can allow vulnerability  to one another – vulnerable to someone who is worthy of trust.The weak, insecure and defensive can’t/won’t allow vulnerability.
It’s time to stop listening to those trying to orchestrate the male/female connection/attraction out of existence. Being the divine feminine standing in the heart of her power  will both need and desire a man who takes her places, throws her on the bed, who is an enlighten male – operating from the divine masculine energy who guides her/them and leads her/them in life.
We all slip into different roles at times, we all have different strengths and weaknesses. The divine male will listen to the divine feminine and vice versa. It’s normal and natural – as we have both male & female inside ourselves on varying levels and degrees.
       Being a female,  you can feel whether a man is dominant or submissive. In today’s world, signs that a man is of divine masculinity is that he has a strong male energy. He is not afraid to be dominant and to hold his ground, but just this – does not mean that he can’t have well-developed feminine energy too. He’s multi-dimensional – once referred to as a Renaissance man – oh, how terms for things change.
       Okay – dominate –  but how?
Dominate for some men means being a controlling asshole. Or he may be the rare enlightened male – spiritual, but still masculine. This type of man is rare.  Sometimes,  it’s difficult to  tell the level of a man’s masculinity, so here are some clues:
– When among others and socializing,  a man of weak masculinity often talks in a way that puts other people down. Doing this, shows his insecurity but the real reason is that genuinely masculine men are more centered and focused than to put others down directly or indirectly. To do so shows his lack of ability to focus and lack of direction in his own life. Men with a sense of mission who are focused don’t cloud their brain with gossip and negative talk about others.  Lengthy gossip is something that some women do. There’s a difference between telling it like it is and having most of what comes out be criticism and gossip.  

– People don’t pay attention and aren’t interested in listening when he speaks. A masculine man usually has the ability to engage people and is not afraid to engage others socially to do so. Observe how he is with his friends and in groups of people.  Can ne command respect and space and can allow space for others to do the same.
 –  A masculine man is strong in his choices; and is stable in his own abilities that others’ opinions only count for so much – but he does listen to others – not necessarily adapting them as his own because his choices matter the most. If he’s seeking approval from others, especially women, something is off, in that he is not secure in himself. If he adapts to other’s view points too easily taking  them as his own, he has no sense of self and is easily swayed. If he needs too much reassurance – then he lacks self-trust.  He will go with the group as in the lib/dem masses do. – If he loses things all the time, do you trust him? If his answers are, “I don’t know.” too often, can you trust him?
 Masculine energy is directional – it knows where it’s going and if it doesn’t – it finds out. Masculine energy knows the answers, the how to’s. – Masculine energy is not a complainer. The man who complains about work, his boss, his ex, his mother, his father, his life. the world or  the man who has an injury or mishap and goes on and on about it. And so enjoys telling the story of how bad it is or all was and how it happened over and over again. Complaints – complaints – complaints.

When does he have the time to take the problem at hand and deal with it – or to heal from the past trauma or issue that he carries with him?  Like the man who got engaged in his twenties and the woman cheated on him and in his fifties is still talking about it. When will he ever get over it, heal from it and why is he holding onto it? For sympathy?  For the ole poor me deal? To make his case that all women cheat or that commitment doesn’t work? Perhaps, he’s not even looking to deal or to heal. He just wants to blurt out complaints. This is mostly a feminine thing – being hurt, upset or complaining, because our natural feminine instinct is not to solve problems. but to talk about them over and over. It’s the lifeblood of the feminine to connect, talk and soon we feel better as if the problem never existed.  If a man is more towards the Alpha on the spectrum of Beta, he will not complain, but will solve.
When a woman can trust a man to be a man, a woman can relax and be a woman and this benefits both the male and female.   If a man talks about how bad their ex-girlfriend was, how they don’t have enough sex, how stressful their job is, with complaints about women, marriage, commitment, dating etc. –  they are complainers and may never get past their past or heal from their issues. Real men heal. Real women heal.

Feminists hold onto to issues, don’t forgive and hate. Misogynists hold onto issues, don’t forgive and hate.
Males who blame females for it all. Women who blame men it all are the cause of the male/female divide.Relationship is a place for divine healing…. it’s a gift from God of the true magnificence of the male/female connection/ attraction….
So-called feminism is toxic to both the male and female and our world.

Tools to assist in awareness – FEAST OF MEN – story of a woman’s heart. DADDY THROWS ME IN THE AIR – memoir/self-help

Excerpt from FEAST OF MEN ‘Story of a Woman’s Heart’

Startling me, the pilot kneels down in the aisle right by my seat then with a large smile and in a Southern drawl asks, “Are you from LA?”  I laugh silently in my twisted humor. Um, he must think I’m the hijacker. The winking pilot continues looking up at me talking all Southern and gentlemanly like. “You look like someone I used to know who lived in LA. I just wanted to see if you were her.” 

I think, what an overused line, but I look down at him then answer, “I live in Dallas – actually, just outside of Dallas and you look a bit familiar also.”

The pilot looks up at me with his eyes locked into mine. “Oh really, well, I’ve got an empty seat beside me.  Since everyone else is watching the movie, would you like to sit with me and we can chat?  I’d love to talk more with you, but can’t stay here kneeling in this aisle.”

I respond, “Okay – why not, since everyone else is watching the movie.” As I think – nice brown eyes, appears a bit overconfident, but a Southern gentleman, besides I’m bored and can’t seem to sleep. So, talking with him might be a distraction to pass the time. I get up and follow him to where he’s sitting.

He has an aisle seat. There’s a woman by the window. So, I slide into the middle seat then look back.  The lady where I was sitting is yelling and motioning, but I can’t hear her.  So, the gallant pilot goes back to retrieve both my water and Diet Dr. Pepper. Apparently, the lady couldn’t get out of her seat with my tray table down.  I didn’t bring anything with me because I thought I’d only visit with the winking pilot for a short while.

FEAST OF MEN – One woman’s magical mysterious, nightmarish, adventurous journey through men on her quest to have a better understanding of the male energy on her search to find genuine and everlasting love. Just as life brings her the masculine offering of a chance for love, along with experiencing another aspect of herself in reflection – her heart is disappointed even broken. She then is  given the opportunity even forced to heal, as she becomes even more aware of the masculine energy and her relation to it, along with a deeper awareness of her imprints and beliefs. As she travels forward on her journey, the pieces come together, break, then come together again offering her the ability to become more aware and whole.
What if Eve was leading Adam to the opportunity to experience all and every dimension of life? The feminine as it relates to masculine and masculine as it relates to feminine. Male and female rubbing souls against one another for the possibility and benefit of what love creates and heals. And this is exactly what God intended – in the full power of ‘his knowing’ – that only a woman would be able to entice a man to do so. God, after all created the serpent along with the opportunity for choice without which there would be no dark defining light challenges on earth.

Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other usual places.
http://eart/dp/1642376876/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?keywords=FEAST+OF+MEN+byt+Ayn+Dillard&qid=1561582975&s=gateway&sr=8-2-fkmr0

Kiss a Momma’s boy and you’re kissing a frog, the biggest ugliest one…

Oct10Stop9in the group of designated men not to date and certainly not to marry. Because this kind of disorder rarely corrects.There are many disordered men to avoid : men with addictions, men who lie, cheat, etc. But the mother controlled man is lethal, “mother-controlled monsters” is what I call them and they should be avoided at all costs. Don’t expect him to change, they rarely if ever do… and few if any really ever fully commit. Because they are committed and owned by their mother and, or other female members of their family. Many of these men have never been married.

Mother-complex

If a son becomes his mother’s partner emotionally, if a mother is weak and too dependent on her son, so that he feels responsible for her well-being, he may be unable to lovingly commit himself to another woman – Consequences of Mother – Son Triangulation… he will be his mother’s boy until she dies or even longer.

If in a relationship, and the woman has normal needs for nurturing and attention, he will not be able to fulfill her needs because he will feel trapped and smothered like he felt with his mother. So, he will shut down, get depressed, escape in anyway possible and, or criticize the woman for having normal needs. Men like this use escape as a way to live, fast cars, out in bars, extreme sports, toys, being reclusive, etc. They have an innate and deep fear of being trapped again by a woman, like they were or felt that they were by Momma.

Typical effects on the son of an overbearing, smothering, needy mother are homosexuality, Don Juanism, inability to commit, going from one woman to another, as he always finds something wrong with each woman. He’s searching for perfection in the woman and complete freedom for himself which does not exist in any woman or any relationship. He has an idealized image of a relationship that cannot be achieved and if achieved it would be all for his benefit and nothing for his partner. Sometimes, these men suffer with impotence [though here the father complex also plays a part]. In homosexuality, the son’s entire heterosexuality is tied to the mother in an unconscious form; in Don Juanism, he unconsciously seeks his mother in every woman he meets and in his mind no woman can match the love that he feels from his mother and if he does feel it, then he feels smothered and must escape. These men are always trying to escape their mother while they need/crave female love intensely. They are seeking the approval of Momma but when or if they get it, they sabotage, or run from it. And why they go from woman to woman searching, from one shiny thing to the next. Even if they found perfection, ‘ the perfect match or woman for them’ they would not recognize it as such and would, perhaps, even feel more smothered than ever, because they would have a more difficult time finding their excuse, justification and reason to escape.

Many of these men are severely disordered with multiple afflictions such as narcissist, (inability to feel love or joy), avoidant,  borderline, depression, hypochondriacs, sexual issues, addictions, perversions (as depicted in Shades of Grey) may escape into porn, overeating, are full of illusions and delusions about women, delusions of grandeur, emotionally and, or physically abusive and that may include withholding sexual expression.They don’t live in reality as it relates to the man woman connection. They don’t understand it because their perception is that of mother and child not man and woman. A man protects.A child needs protection.
No woman will be good enough for the little prince as deemed by Momma and in his subconscious  mind no woman will love him as well as his Momma did. So if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a man  with this disorder, RUN! Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how great you are, you will never be enough. He will forever run back into the arms of Momma avoiding and negating the responsibilities, comfort, pleasure of the love of a real woman in a genuine healthy relationship choosing his needy Momma’s hold on him.  His need is to remain a child with little to no responsibility. A man with all the man genes wants the responsibility of the woman he loves. He considers it an honor to provide and protect her. The man/child runs from it. Again a man protects. A child needs protection.

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as “avoidant” when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was “clingy,” for one example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

The goal of the study, published in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, was to address the widespread research debate on “avoidant attachment” — whether such behavior is due to innate personality traits, such as being more of a loner, or is a delayed reaction to unmet childhood needs. Dr. Dekel and Prof. Farber found that while both secure and avoidant individuals expressed a desire for intimacy in relationships, avoidant individuals are conflicted about this need due to the complicated parent-child dynamics they experienced when young.

Taking lessons from childhood – the premise of their study, says Dr. Dekel, is based on attachment theory, which posits that during times of stress, infants seek proximity to their caregivers for emotional support. However, if the parent is unresponsive or overly intrusive, the child learns to avoid their caregiver.

The researchers believe that adult relationships reflect these earlier experiences. When infantile needs are met in childhood, that person approaches adult relationships with more security, seeking intimacy, sharing, caring, and fun, says Dr. Dekel. The researchers labelled these relationships “two-adult” models, in which participants equally share desires with their partner. Avoidant individuals, however, are more likely to adopt an “infant-mother” intimacy model. Men who never grow up, who remain eternally a boy or son, not capable of becoming a man, a husband responsible for and to his wife.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. “Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm — give them unconditional love, including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues.” While what they give in return is criticism, escape and aloofness. So what they are after is a mother/son interaction, not a man/woman interaction. 

Hope for the commitment-phobic? It’s important to study this group further because beyond their severely diminished ability to conduct satisfying romantic relationships, they are also less happy in their lives and are more likely to suffer illnesses, depression, etc, than their secure counterparts, notes Dr. Dekel. Psychologists need a better understanding of what these insecure individuals need, perhaps through more sophisticated neurological studies, she suggests.

There is also the question of whether or not these attachment styles are permanent. Dr. Dekel believes that there are some experiences which can help people develop more secure relationship styles. Sometimes, a life trauma can shift these men out of their commitment disorder.

A boy learns about relationship with women primarily through his relationship with his mother and through observing his parent’s relationship. If there was conflict or emotional distance in his parents; relationship his emotional bond with his father may have  suffered. The boy may have emotionally bonded with his mother in a way that shut down his feeling capacity, which now continues to affect his masculine identity and sense of separate self. Or he observed his mother’s neediness controlling the father. The father may be weak and not able to stand strong, so the boy’s image of a man is that a woman can control a man and suffocate him. So he tries to ‘avoid’ that his whole life. Because he sees that image as being unmanly, while his reality is, he never comes into his full manhood. He remains an eternal child.

If the mother was emotionally unsupported by the father she may
have unwittingly used her son to get her emotional needs met as a substitute for her partner. The disappointment she felt in the father back then was felt by the son . In response the son aspired to be her perfect “little man” that would not let her down like his father did. The son’s heart is open at an early age and it’s natural for him to want to be the apple of his mother’s eye and fill her up with his love. He learned how to please his mother at the cost of his own needs being ignored.

He suffered from not being emotionally close to his father and yet part of him enjoyed his special relationship with his mother in his absence. It comes at a cost. The boy was unaware that he had been setup for an impossible job that he inevitably failed at. It was too much for a little boy to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother. She needed an adult man. The boy was in an emotional bind. He couldn’t be himself and be what (he imagined) his mother  wanted him to be. He unconsciously chose at a young age to fit in with her needs at the cost of his own.

The father was remiss in not providing a healthy parental relationship alongside the mother to allow the son to develop a healthy male identity. The boy cut off from his male power to fit in. A weak, distant or closed hearted father, an emotionally needy mother combined with the cultural images of masculinity encouraged the boy as he grew up to close his heart and disconnect from his feelings.

Relationship Attitudes from “Rape of the Heart”

In later life, the boy as a grown man may develop the following kind of attitudes:

  • He doesn’t feel he is enough. Deep down he feels he wasn’t enough for his mother, so as an adult man he doesn’t feel he is enough for his partner. He is sensitive to criticism as it challenges his male identity . He feels he needs to be perfect and it’s hard for him to admit when he makes a mistake in his relationship.
  • He is fearful of women getting upset. He can’t bear it when his partner is upset, partly because he feels he is responsible for his partner’s happiness. As a boy he felt he was the cause of his mother’s unhappiness. As a child he believed he was responsible and in control of his mother’s feelings through pleasing her.
  • He pleases women to avoid conflict. The man  learned to please women at the cost of his own needs. Women pick up straightaway when a man is pleasing them to avoid conflict. It feels inauthentic. The woman feels shut out from the man as his true feelings are hidden. She can’t feel his authentic male energy which frustrates her. She feels rejected and abandoned as she hears from him the message ,’You are too much’ .This is often how she felt as a child.
  • He feels overwhelmed by her needs. He feels burdened by having to meet his partner’s needs. He is unable to express his own needs as he unconsciously learned not to listen to his needs in order to meet his mother’s needs. Outwardly, it may seem like he has very few needs as he has repressed them.
  • He resents his partner’s needs. The man has an unconscious rage and resentment towards meeting his mother’s needs and he sees all women as his mother on some level.. He believes he is working hard in the relationship to do the right thing, yet he finds no matter what he does, he slips up. He forgets to tell his partner important things, or finds a way to rubbish his partner or the relationship in someway. If he is asked why he ignored her he probably isn’t in touch with his resentment.
  • He feels guilty. The man feels ambivalent about the relationship because of the unresolved feelings he had about loving his mother and feeling smothered.
  • He has repressed the hate which also represses his loving feelings. He may feel unworthy of his partner’s love and want to leave her in order to protect her from his dark feelings.
  • His life Energy is blocked. He represses his feelings and energy or he directs all his energy into work. Men push their feelings down yet keep going in a particular kind of hidden depression.
  •  Healing Process for ‘Rape of the Heart’… best possible outcome for a mother controlled commitment phobic, but this rarely occurs….

    A woman attracted to this kind of man needs to become aware of why she has been unconsciously attracted to a man with a closed heart and what she needs to heal from her past family experience.

    It’s great if both partners can work on this together as in what was there needing to be brought out in one another to themselves. We find that working with the relationship dynamic with both partners together is much more effective than individual counselling alone.

    Behavior Patterns Were Learned In The Past

    mother complexAttraction between partners in part comes from an unconscious fit of “unfinished business’ from each person’s early family. It’s sobering to realize that both partners have re-created their early family situation in the current relationship. Realizing this can give a major shift in perspective as he sees that relationships are an unconscious union that is providing  him now with the opportunity to work things through in order to become emotionally whole.

    Rather than blaming his partner for not being ,’his perfect parent’, he begins to see how he experiences what is going on now, through the eyes and feelings from the past. The recognition of the connection between how he experiences his relationship now and how he felt in his early family makes the unconscious conscious. This stops him being controlled by the past.

    For many men it can be difficult to even conceive that there is a connection between his partner and his mother. It can just seem like “psychobabble”. There can be an investment in protecting the image he has of his parents. He needs to balance that his parents did the best they could and their lack of relationship had an impact on him. It’s  worth looking at how the early  past pattern  affects how he relates with his partner now.

    He Manages His Fear

    He learns how to manage his fear of being emotionally overwhelmed. He discovers his partner is much more emotionally robust that he imagines. As an adult he doesn’t need to placate her for his survival . He may wish to contribute to her happiness yet he realizes that when she is upset it doesn’t mean that he has failed or that he needs to be over responsible. He is not responsible for her happiness.

    He Receives His Partner’s Emotional Flow

    He learns listen to her emotional flow without taking what she says too personally. He is able to discern what he needs to take responsibility for and what belongs to her past. He discovers how to hear what she is saying on a feeling level rather than get caught in rationality disconnected from feeling.

    He Makes Adjustments To His Attitudes And Behavior

    He realizes that his partner isn’t really wanting to criticize  or undermine him. What she is seeking is for her feelings to be received . She feels what needs attention in the relationship and needs him to make an adjustment/ – walk his talk rather than saying “sorry” and repeating the pattern.

    He Strengthens His Male Identity

    He learns that his partner can’t make or break him or take away his masculinity. From this realization he can be present and receive her when she is upset. He doesn’t need defend his male identity as it’s not under threat. He gets the support of other men to strengthen his male identity and reconnect to his masculinity.

    He Reconnects To His Feelings

    He discovers how to express his feelings and needs. He notices when he disconnects from his partner and learns how to manage his emotions intelligently so he can take a time-out without abandoning his partner.

    He Integrates His Dark Side

    What is emotionally repressed controls him. He includes his male wildness/ dark side constructively in ways that brings life energy and passion into the relationship. He expresses more range of feeling so there is room for love and for hate. He learns how to manage his vulnerability. He reconnects to feelings and opens his heart. In effect he chooses to be in relationship and comes from his core in his actions rather than acting in reaction to his mother.

    Conclusion

    It takes time and work to work on deep patterns. It’s a process rather than a quick fix. Relationship counselling provides a safe place to gain insights and explore what is going on in the relationship. It’s a powerful process of recognizing patterns learnt from the past, detoxifying resentments and gaining a new perspective on what the relationship is about. The felt experience of attending sessions and working things through in the sessions and between sessions leads to the couple feeling more connected to each other and better able to work things through together.

    I would like to acknowledge Nick Duffell and Helena Løvendal Sørensen at Creative Couplework for sharing some of the ideas expressed in this article. By

    Directly from the Bible – An unhealthy soul tie often develops when a young adult or older adult becomes solely dependent upon his or her parents.

    The problem is that many people are still bound by generational curses.  These are curses that have been passed down from one generational to the next.  The umbilical cord is still attached.  They are bound by their birth and early childhood experiences.  It is like that they are dragging a ball and chain around with them wherever they go.

    The umbilical card in this passage may also be a picture of unhealthy and ungodly soul ties.  Such ties are destructive to individuals.  These unhealthy attachments lead to anger, depression, and even at times to attempts of suicide or homicide

    ……Very few men with these issues ever get past them. It takes lots of courage and a willingness to dig really deep and become vulnerable. They must step out of their denial and most can’t achieve this. So to women who find themselves dealing with this disorder in a man, I say exit and learn about yourself as to why you were there in the first place. Then reconsider very carefully if you want to deal with a man with this kind of deep seated emotional disorder. If he is not willing to be committed to you  and to do the work needed, including being in counseling together, I say chances are, you will end up feeling like a door mat to his emotional dysfunction and inability to become a fully grown man. You will forever play the role of Momma and he will forever be a rebelling, escaping, run away, petulant boy. These men have no ability to love a woman because they are owned and controlled by their mother or her memory.  Always a son, never a man… a mother-controlled monster. They lack the self-confidence that most men develop in order to head a household, love their wife and exist on earth with a mostly positive  outlook. Their mother instilled insecurity in them, arrogance or both that conflict with their ability to become a whole integrated man.

    I once was in a relationship with a man, who had severe mother issues. I knew it when I first met him and I distanced myself from him for years. He had never been married. Then he re-entered my life, after his mother died, and I pondered, perhaps he had grown up.  He seemed different, ‘appeared’ like a grown, mature man, the first few months as he professed his undying love for me and we began planning a future. But he soon crumbled into the immature son of his mother. He will never be anything more. He drives his mother’s car and lives in her house in an isolated area.  He sits in a rocking chair looking at the view that his father created. He is assuming his mother’s life. His man facade crumbled  and he became like a negative, fearful, depressed, needy, pessimistic old woman. After telling me he will love me forever and was after me for years. He then tells me he will never marry and prefers being alone because he has had depression all his life, (signs of a chemical imbalance were strong.) He said he doesn’t like being around people for long and doesn’t think he could live with anyone. He is always the same and will never change. So he chooses to live alone in a house built by his mother and father, assuming their life as always  being a son,, never separating his identify and creating his own life.  Because of what occurred between his father, mother and him, along with other members in his family, he will be forever a son and never a man or husband. He will never know or experience the full love and life with a woman because he is too fearful to become a man and  he trashes every woman and relationship he has been in.

    I exited and what the final prompt was, when I wasn’t feeling well, and his comments to me were: “What’s your problem, you don’t have cancer.” ( his mother died of cancer) then he stated “You’re a grown woman and can take care of your own life.”   The clearest statement ever that he wanted no responsibility for a woman on  any level because he is a child and at the time was spending time working on his Momma’s house that he was now living in after her death. After I broke up with him and asked for the things I had left at his house. He left them at my front door with a note that said he didn’t want confrontation. Showing that he is a coward on top of it all. He doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions and the harm that he does to others because of his immaturity and disorder.

    I am a strong woman and highly independent and that is why he attracted to me in the first place. But we all have needs and need extra caring at times… and this man could not be consistent in this area of relationship interaction. He became resentful to have to put another’s needs before his own infantile ones. And infantile is the perfect adjective for these men. Selfish, narcissistic and childlike are some of the traits of a Momma’s boy.

    I then began learning how I could have  been attracted to him or thought he might change.

    Now, I get it. He was a challenge, He could be kind, loving and sweet then would turn critical and  cold. And when he became cold and depressed, it ripped at my heart, so I tried to help him and be more attentive when actually his behavior repulsed me, as does his over connection to his mother and also his sister. He would become like a whiny toddler, negative, depressed, pouting, complaining and criticizing of me, even paranoid and full of fear about the world and everyone and everything in his life or things even not in his life. When I would observe him sitting on my sofa, all that was missing was a pacifier.

    Momma’s boys are internal and eternal children, will never be men with full emotional capacity and do not know how to fully love a woman… they only love Momma, she owns him.

    Being with this child/man triggered my insecurity that I must be perfect and strong to be loved that had been imprinted on me from my Dad’s high expectations. This Momma’s boy  is a narcissist and I am an empath… so I was falling into codependency. But I am a ‘Daddy’s girl’ and my Dad was a strong, capable provider and protector. This man didn’t have these traits and wasn’t going to develop them,  or couldn’t pretend that he had them for long. He is a whiny, depressed Momma’s boy and thinks trucks, manly toys, climbing some mountain make him a man or temporarily feel like one, when he has no ability to be a man with a woman and this ability is what defines manhood.

    So why was I attracted? He, at first ‘appeared’ manly and he is a large man (false appearance)… and when he fell into being a boy… it triggered my male side imprinted on me by my Dad to carry on and fix things… and that is not the main roll I want in a relationship. I want to be the woman, not the man. I am a feminine womanly/woman and while I am strong and capable, I need and want a man who is manly and takes that role with vigor and pride, that of provider and protector. A man with all his  male genes intact knows that he provides a place for his woman to feel safe and to glow, she can then bestow on him all her caring, joy, nurturing and love…  and he values her place in his life above all others. If a man doesn’t value what you are giving to him, exit ladies. He isn’t worth your time. Any other way and it really does not work… as this was the way God intended it to be.

    After breaking up with him, I went into counseling and healed myself. I had hoped this man and I could heal together, but he refused to go to counseling together.  I don’t want to always have to be the strong one  and my strength is what attracted him, so he could rarely handle any weakness in me.  while I had to continually handle his. In fact, he vomited his neediness, insecurity , depression and lack onto me daily at the end of our relationship and the weight of his disorder made me feel ill physically and emotionally ill.

    I don’t need to be perfect to be loved and being codependent ravages the soul. I don’t want to be some man/child’s mother. GAG!  Talk about a sexual turn off. I deserve a man who can handle my weak side, that I can lean on when needed and is my soft place to fall and is there for me, or I would rather be alone… so, ta da!..  I am out of this Mommy boy dance … and sadly but  gladly said, ba bye!I had begun to pity and feel sorry for this emotionally stunted boy/man and that destroys love, respect and, of course, sex.

    I was a Daddy’s girl and my Dad was strong and capable and that is the only kind of man I will be with. This was my first and last ‘mother-controlled monster’… while I have had other men in my life with their fatal flaws and issues, they were all men and not ‘momma’s boys’.

    A ‘mother controlled monster’ should not be mistaken for a man who has an emotionally healthy respect and love for his mother and she him. This kind of man knows how to treat women, wants, is even honored to be a provider and protector to and for the woman he loves and is consistent in these actions and behaviors. He wants the honor of having a wife, puts her first in his life and defers to her, instead of his mother, sisters or any other female in his family. An emotionally stable mother wants to create emotionally independent children and wants her son to have a wife and to experience the joys of relationship.

    “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ”

    Genesis 2:24

In romantic relationship, is the closest you can get to the mother, father bond and it takes strength of emotions, and self integrity to walk through the healing and if your partner can’t do it then get out , heal and save yourself.

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What inspires you to love?

TreeAnn6Is it beauty, fun, kindness? Is it sex, liking the samethings, or experiences shared? Is it commonalities, differences, or the energy you feel when you are with the person? Is it their actions, words, or that their words and actions match? Is it consistancy, compatiblity, tension or comfort?

Is it inconsistancy, uncertainty, excitement, thrill,  or danger?

Different things attract  the inspiration to love. Some of the attractions are healthy and some not. Sometimes, it’s a mixture of the good and the bad? Some people think they love someone when they feel like they felt with their parents or caregivers. They attract to the familiarity of whatever they experienced then, so it ‘feels’ like love, ‘like home’, when perhaps, it isn’t. It’s just familiar, like a habit, but  it’s what ‘feels’ comfortable, like an old shoe and so they think it’s love.

If the past was healthy and nurturing that is great, but if it was one of discord, addictions or dyfunction, not so great. Those imprinted patterns are difficult to break and they can guide either to goodness or destruction.

So, ponder what inspires you to love and attracts you to someone as it’s the basis of the relationship, its journey, its joys, its pain, its success, its harm, or failure.

“But does he who loves someone on account of beauty really love that person? No; for the small-pox, which will kill beauty without killing the person, will cause him to love her no more.

And if one loves me for my judgment, memory, he does not love me, for I can lose these qualities without losing myself. Where, then, is this Ego, if it be neither in the body nor in the soul? And how love the body or the soul, except for these qualities which do not constitute me, since they are perishable? … We never, then, love a person, but only qualities.”  Blaise Pascal’s “Pensees”

The above is an example of shallow love…

We all lose our ‘qualities’ eventually  and when we do, is when we will know if we are loved and if we love.

The awareness, blessing and grace to love without the distraction of qualities and traits is  a genuine gift and if we love sincerely love  will  eventually evolve into this.

What attracts you to love someone? Ever really thought about it deeply, beyond the face, figure, abs, smile, etc?

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

Oscar Wilde

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To be in a healthy, moving relationship takes a…

???????????????????????????????secure person…

Because to be in a healthy, moving relationship takes a person who is not afraid to look at themselves and to evaluate, refine, shift, compromise, grow and commit. Also, to be in a healthy, moving relationship takes a person who can endure imperfection in self and others. A relationship isn’t perfect, contrary to what Hollywood presents. It’s an alive, moving, changing and breathing entity between two committed people. Two people committed to one another in the process of individual growth, within a relationship, and including the growth in and of the relationship. 

A relationship is love, happiness, intimacy, pain, growth and change and to maintain love through all this takes a secure person. An insecure person can’t weather the storms…they are too much all about themselves, their comfort, their insecurity, lack, and needs. They are threatened by change and growth in their significant other and in themselves, so have difficulty flowing with change. They, more than not, want to control and hamper because change makes them nervous and feel more insecure.

 
And nothing really begins until there is a solid commitment. It’s in commitment that a relationship begins, is, grows and flows… otherwise it’s just playing. And actually it’s all very exciting because it’s the adventure of a lifetime.

It takes honesty, commitment, endurance, humor, intimacy and … what else?
What more is needed for and in a healthy, moving relationship?
 
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Is this sincere?…

This letter was sent to a woman on a dating site…
He asked for her email off the site and she gave it to him… and he sent her this…
???????????????????????????????Hello,

Nothing can be as good as meeting a new friend today. It is Jan. 22nd, 2013 and for me it is a new day and a new beginning. I just want to say a big thank you for giving us the opportunity to communicate more. I am Bryan as you already know, I live in Saint James, New York, I’s 6’1, Grey hair, hazel eyes and white/Caucasian.

Sometimes I count myself fortunate to meet certain people in my life just as I met you today on the site, Apparently, my aim is just to meet the right woman that my mind feels comfortable with in knowing much  more about her and you definitely strike my fancy. When I saw your profile on the site I said to myself, could she be the reason why am on the site with a straight face! Then I thought to myself, If I don’t make the flight move, I might regret my actions. I’m a kind of a man who feels life is worth more to share with someone special.

I have been a successful entrepreneur for several years now and I think it is time to move on. The social media was a great place to meet someone who you can both talk about things in life and what you aspire. I’m not a man of little words or someone that would be scared to share  his emotions. I usually say to myself that when the right woman comes, I would definitely start looking forward to retirement because I want to always travel to places and have much fun together. It hasn’t been really easy been widowed with a young boy but I was happy to be able to bring him up. I am into Designing $ building electrical power plant for the past 20 years and I have passions and love for what I do. I’m a man with a strong heart, loving, caring, honest, compassionate, and affectionate. I believe in God since and never stops going to church every Sunday.

I count myself as an outgoing person, cinemas, concerts, theatre beach, travellin and relaxation. This are few sports I watch, tennis, Football, Basketball, Golf etc. As I said on my profile I don’t want haters as a somen or a sadist. I don’t want games or someone who will continually live in the past evne though we can’t forget our past, I believe strongly in the past as it is what makes us who we are right I want a woman that wants to take a step further in life. The present is now and now is how to move on in life. This kind of music I listen to are: R&B, Soul, Classic, country music and blues. I like taking a long walk on the beach, love going to tour like, Hawaii, Caribbean and Brazil.  France isn’t a bad place to visit too. When I read through your profile I was really amazed and motivated to send you an email and show my interest. I would want to continue with our friendship and see where it goes.

The kind of woman I desire is someone who is ready to love again, someone who is caring, loving, honest, affectionate and understanding. I want someone who will be ready to discuss issues with me, always ready to tell me her pain so I can ease her off, someone to share the good times and the bad times with. I am a romantic guy who feels that kissing, cuddling and romantic words are really important in a relationship. Communication is an important part of a relationship and I believe if we can stablize our mode of communication things will work out as planned for us. I have a great sense of humor, I always want to put a smile on my lady’s face and However I also believe that “Wher there is a will there is a way” My desires is to find my Soul mate $ and Dream Mate, Lover, and Life Companion, who is caring, matured minded, Straight forward, honest and ready to be a good listener and a doer. A lady to confined in and share aims together. less I forget this, You are an absolute beauty from above and I admire your acceptance to further correspondence with me. Now it’s your turn to tell  me about more about yourself, your likes and dislikes, desires and wishes in a relationship.

I hope this gives you a clue about about me and I would be glad if you can tell me more about yourself and probably attach more photos of yourself to your message. Have included my picutes to this message and hope you like them.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Be good and be safe.
Bryan

Ps: I have deactivated my profile on the site because i was getting random messages from there and i don’t want to get hit.

https://mail.google.com/mail/images/cleardot.gif
Okay!  Is he who he claims? Is he American? Are those photos of the person who wrote this letter? Is he a scammer and if you think so, why?

Kissing….Eyes wide shut….

???????????????????????????????Styles of kissing… the way a person kisses reveals much.

Sure, there can be instant chemistry that is magic and unmistakably passionate and sensuous  that sends tingle through your whole body with the inability to stop. Then there can be that awkward, your nose goes where, then my goes…

There are those who keep their eyes open when they kiss… and those who close them. Some are sloppy and messy. Some are precise and neat… and sometimes mixing the two doesn’t work well.. although there are different ways to kiss at different times and in different places… if you know what I mean?!

I read that those who mostly kiss with their eyes closed are more passionate and into their feelings and those who mostly kiss with their eyes open are more into controlling the person they are kissing…

Eyes closed you are inward and  ‘in touch’ with your feelings… eyes open you are directed away from self…

Years, ago, I dated a man who kissed with his eyes open. We would be passionately kissing and I would open my eyes for a sec and there he always would be with eyes staring at me.. it creeped me out.. Sure men are more visual, but…something about his beady eyes staring at me… YUCK!

I asked him why he didn’t close his eyes more often when we were kissing.. his answer. ” I like to watch you.” So, he was more into watching me then what he was feeling… Of course, it ended… as soon, I realized he was not anyone I wanted in my life much less to kiss. Because, it was creepy to glance up and have eyes staring at me in the way that his did.

Sure, eyes open, at times, during kissing, but to have eyes staring.. is strange in my opinion.

Teeth… they must be clean white and straight. I am a teeth freak…mine are clean and well-kept and I expect the same in my kissing partner….

That first kiss can tell you sooo much… It can reveal what kind of a person they are… are they passionate, are they loving, and what kind of a lover they will be…

Kissing is a ‘very intimate’ activity… Hookers, I have heard will not kiss on the mouth.. so that about says it. They will do all sorts of other things with their private parts, but will not kiss on the lips…

What’s your opinion on kissing styles, eyes open or shut, overly wet, or teeth are important or…just??? Pucker up and SMACK!!!!

Hysterical…the stories I hear from women about men…

???????????????????????????????A woman told me that she was interacting with a man over the Internet… and they had communicated for about a month. That he was planning on moving to her area and wanted to meet her. He sounded fairly interesting to her, although physically, not all that attractive, but she was open to meeting him in person to see further.

Several times, during their phone conversations, he said things that she questioned… that came across a bit insulting, or as if he didn’t know how to talk to a woman and she wasn’t sure why. So, she confronted him and he would say he didn’t mean it, or ‘she’ took it the wrong way, that she didn’t understand his sense of humor, or that he was ‘tired’. At times, he mumbled, talked fast and stepped on her words when she was talking with him…

She asked him if he dated often because he appeared to be working all the time and  seemed to be awkward in his communication and he talked fast almost like he was out of breath, at times … and she wondered if, perhaps, he was just nerdy, nervous, or inexperienced with women. He responded that he dated some… and one person in particular, but that it was ending.

She inquired, “Why is it ending?” While thinking, if he’s dating someone, why is he pursuing me?

His answer, “I don’t trust her and it’s a long, complicated story. I will tell you about it later.”

She then wisely asks, “Are you having sex with her?” He replies, “Yes.”

She: “Why?”

Him: “It’s convenient.”

She continues. “So you are having sex with someone you  are ending it with and don’t trust because it’s convenient, while pursuing me. If we meet and like one another, will you be having convenient sex with this woman, you don’t trust? And does she know you are pursuing others? As she ponders, so this man thinks of sex with a woman as a convenience. How disgusting and he is actually saying this to me…

His response. “She is, too.”

Her come back. “Oh I see. Are you hearing what you are telling me?”

His come back. “I am tired. I don’t do well when I am tired.”

She: “How would you feel and what would you think, if I told you I was having ‘convenient’ sex with someone.”

He: “Umm…. well … that would be your business.”

She: “I don’t have convenient sex. So why don’t you go have your ‘convenient’  sex with that woman you don’t trust. I am going to pass on meeting you.”

What would you think and what would you have done?….