Category Archives: Dating

Kiss a Momma’s boy and you’re kissing a frog, the biggest ugliest one…

Oct10Stop9in the group of designated men not to date and certainly not to marry. Because this kind of disorder rarely corrects.There are many disordered men to avoid : men with addictions, men who lie, cheat, etc. But the mother controlled man is lethal, “mother-controlled monsters” is what I call them and they should be avoided at all costs. Don’t expect him to change, they rarely if ever do… and few if any really ever fully commit. Because they are committed and owned by their mother and, or other female members of their family. Many of these men have never been married.

Mother-complex

If a son becomes his mother’s partner emotionally, if a mother is weak and too dependent on her son, so that he feels responsible for her well-being, he may be unable to lovingly commit himself to another woman – Consequences of Mother – Son Triangulation… he will be his mother’s boy until she dies or even longer.

If in a relationship, and the woman has normal needs for nurturing and attention, he will not be able to fulfill her needs because he will feel trapped and smothered like he felt with his mother. So, he will shut down, get depressed, escape in anyway possible and, or criticize the woman for having normal needs. Men like this use escape as a way to live, fast cars, out in bars, extreme sports, toys, being reclusive, etc. They have an innate and deep fear of being trapped again by a woman, like they were or felt that they were by Momma.

Typical effects on the son of an overbearing, smothering, needy mother are homosexuality, Don Juanism, inability to commit, going from one woman to another, as he always finds something wrong with each woman. He’s searching for perfection in the woman and complete freedom for himself which does not exist in any woman or any relationship. He has an idealized image of a relationship that cannot be achieved and if achieved it would be all for his benefit and nothing for his partner. Sometimes, these men suffer with impotence [though here the father complex also plays a part]. In homosexuality, the son’s entire heterosexuality is tied to the mother in an unconscious form; in Don Juanism, he unconsciously seeks his mother in every woman he meets and in his mind no woman can match the love that he feels from his mother and if he does feel it, then he feels smothered and must escape. These men are always trying to escape their mother while they need/crave female love intensely. They are seeking the approval of Momma but when or if they get it, they sabotage, or run from it. And why they go from woman to woman searching, from one shiny thing to the next. Even if they found perfection, ‘ the perfect match or woman for them’ they would not recognize it as such and would, perhaps, even feel more smothered than ever, because they would have a more difficult time finding their excuse, justification and reason to escape.

Many of these men are severely disordered with multiple afflictions such as narcissist, (inability to feel love or joy), avoidant,  borderline, depression, hypochondriacs, sexual issues, addictions, perversions (as depicted in Shades of Grey) may escape into porn, overeating, are full of illusions and delusions about women, delusions of grandeur, emotionally and, or physically abusive and that may include withholding sexual expression.They don’t live in reality as it relates to the man woman connection. They don’t understand it because their perception is that of mother and child not man and woman. A man protects.A child needs protection.
No woman will be good enough for the little prince as deemed by Momma and in his subconscious  mind no woman will love him as well as his Momma did. So if a woman finds herself in a relationship with a man  with this disorder, RUN! Because no matter how hard you try, no matter how great you are, you will never be enough. He will forever run back into the arms of Momma avoiding and negating the responsibilities, comfort, pleasure of the love of a real woman in a genuine healthy relationship choosing his needy Momma’s hold on him.  His need is to remain a child with little to no responsibility. A man with all the man genes wants the responsibility of the woman he loves. He considers it an honor to provide and protect her. The man/child runs from it. Again a man protects. A child needs protection.

A study of the romantic history of 58 adults aged 22-28 found that those who avoid committed romantic relationships are likely a product of unresponsive or over-intrusive parenting, says Dr. Sharon Dekel, a psychologist and researcher at the Bob Shapell School of Social Work.

Dr. Dekel and her fellow researcher, Prof. Barry Farber of Columbia University, found that 22.4 percent of study participants could be categorized as “avoidant” when it came to their relationships, demonstrating anxiety about intimacy, reluctance to commit to or share with their partner, or a belief that their partner was “clingy,” for one example. Overall, they reported less personal satisfaction in their relationships than participants who were determined to be secure in their relationships.

The goal of the study, published in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, was to address the widespread research debate on “avoidant attachment” — whether such behavior is due to innate personality traits, such as being more of a loner, or is a delayed reaction to unmet childhood needs. Dr. Dekel and Prof. Farber found that while both secure and avoidant individuals expressed a desire for intimacy in relationships, avoidant individuals are conflicted about this need due to the complicated parent-child dynamics they experienced when young.

Taking lessons from childhood – the premise of their study, says Dr. Dekel, is based on attachment theory, which posits that during times of stress, infants seek proximity to their caregivers for emotional support. However, if the parent is unresponsive or overly intrusive, the child learns to avoid their caregiver.

The researchers believe that adult relationships reflect these earlier experiences. When infantile needs are met in childhood, that person approaches adult relationships with more security, seeking intimacy, sharing, caring, and fun, says Dr. Dekel. The researchers labelled these relationships “two-adult” models, in which participants equally share desires with their partner. Avoidant individuals, however, are more likely to adopt an “infant-mother” intimacy model. Men who never grow up, who remain eternally a boy or son, not capable of becoming a man, a husband responsible for and to his wife.

When they enter relationships, there is an attempt to satisfy their unmet childhood needs, Dr. Dekel explains. “Avoidant individuals are looking for somebody to validate them, accept them as they are, can consistently meet their needs and remain calm — give them unconditional love, including not making a fuss about anything or getting caught up in their own personal issues.” While what they give in return is criticism, escape and aloofness. So what they are after is a mother/son interaction, not a man/woman interaction. 

Hope for the commitment-phobic? It’s important to study this group further because beyond their severely diminished ability to conduct satisfying romantic relationships, they are also less happy in their lives and are more likely to suffer illnesses, depression, etc, than their secure counterparts, notes Dr. Dekel. Psychologists need a better understanding of what these insecure individuals need, perhaps through more sophisticated neurological studies, she suggests.

There is also the question of whether or not these attachment styles are permanent. Dr. Dekel believes that there are some experiences which can help people develop more secure relationship styles. Sometimes, a life trauma can shift these men out of their commitment disorder.

A boy learns about relationship with women primarily through his relationship with his mother and through observing his parent’s relationship. If there was conflict or emotional distance in his parents; relationship his emotional bond with his father may have  suffered. The boy may have emotionally bonded with his mother in a way that shut down his feeling capacity, which now continues to affect his masculine identity and sense of separate self. Or he observed his mother’s neediness controlling the father. The father may be weak and not able to stand strong, so the boy’s image of a man is that a woman can control a man and suffocate him. So he tries to ‘avoid’ that his whole life. Because he sees that image as being unmanly, while his reality is, he never comes into his full manhood. He remains an eternal child.

If the mother was emotionally unsupported by the father she may
have unwittingly used her son to get her emotional needs met as a substitute for her partner. The disappointment she felt in the father back then was felt by the son . In response the son aspired to be her perfect “little man” that would not let her down like his father did. The son’s heart is open at an early age and it’s natural for him to want to be the apple of his mother’s eye and fill her up with his love. He learned how to please his mother at the cost of his own needs being ignored.

He suffered from not being emotionally close to his father and yet part of him enjoyed his special relationship with his mother in his absence. It comes at a cost. The boy was unaware that he had been setup for an impossible job that he inevitably failed at. It was too much for a little boy to fulfill the emotional needs of his mother. She needed an adult man. The boy was in an emotional bind. He couldn’t be himself and be what (he imagined) his mother  wanted him to be. He unconsciously chose at a young age to fit in with her needs at the cost of his own.

The father was remiss in not providing a healthy parental relationship alongside the mother to allow the son to develop a healthy male identity. The boy cut off from his male power to fit in. A weak, distant or closed hearted father, an emotionally needy mother combined with the cultural images of masculinity encouraged the boy as he grew up to close his heart and disconnect from his feelings.

Relationship Attitudes from “Rape of the Heart”

In later life, the boy as a grown man may develop the following kind of attitudes:

  • He doesn’t feel he is enough. Deep down he feels he wasn’t enough for his mother, so as an adult man he doesn’t feel he is enough for his partner. He is sensitive to criticism as it challenges his male identity . He feels he needs to be perfect and it’s hard for him to admit when he makes a mistake in his relationship.
  • He is fearful of women getting upset. He can’t bear it when his partner is upset, partly because he feels he is responsible for his partner’s happiness. As a boy he felt he was the cause of his mother’s unhappiness. As a child he believed he was responsible and in control of his mother’s feelings through pleasing her.
  • He pleases women to avoid conflict. The man  learned to please women at the cost of his own needs. Women pick up straightaway when a man is pleasing them to avoid conflict. It feels inauthentic. The woman feels shut out from the man as his true feelings are hidden. She can’t feel his authentic male energy which frustrates her. She feels rejected and abandoned as she hears from him the message ,’You are too much’ .This is often how she felt as a child.
  • He feels overwhelmed by her needs. He feels burdened by having to meet his partner’s needs. He is unable to express his own needs as he unconsciously learned not to listen to his needs in order to meet his mother’s needs. Outwardly, it may seem like he has very few needs as he has repressed them.
  • He resents his partner’s needs. The man has an unconscious rage and resentment towards meeting his mother’s needs and he sees all women as his mother on some level.. He believes he is working hard in the relationship to do the right thing, yet he finds no matter what he does, he slips up. He forgets to tell his partner important things, or finds a way to rubbish his partner or the relationship in someway. If he is asked why he ignored her he probably isn’t in touch with his resentment.
  • He feels guilty. The man feels ambivalent about the relationship because of the unresolved feelings he had about loving his mother and feeling smothered.
  • He has repressed the hate which also represses his loving feelings. He may feel unworthy of his partner’s love and want to leave her in order to protect her from his dark feelings.
  • His life Energy is blocked. He represses his feelings and energy or he directs all his energy into work. Men push their feelings down yet keep going in a particular kind of hidden depression.
  •  Healing Process for ‘Rape of the Heart’… best possible outcome for a mother controlled commitment phobic, but this rarely occurs….

    A woman attracted to this kind of man needs to become aware of why she has been unconsciously attracted to a man with a closed heart and what she needs to heal from her past family experience.

    It’s great if both partners can work on this together as in what was there needing to be brought out in one another to themselves. We find that working with the relationship dynamic with both partners together is much more effective than individual counselling alone.

    Behavior Patterns Were Learned In The Past

    mother complexAttraction between partners in part comes from an unconscious fit of “unfinished business’ from each person’s early family. It’s sobering to realize that both partners have re-created their early family situation in the current relationship. Realizing this can give a major shift in perspective as he sees that relationships are an unconscious union that is providing  him now with the opportunity to work things through in order to become emotionally whole.

    Rather than blaming his partner for not being ,’his perfect parent’, he begins to see how he experiences what is going on now, through the eyes and feelings from the past. The recognition of the connection between how he experiences his relationship now and how he felt in his early family makes the unconscious conscious. This stops him being controlled by the past.

    For many men it can be difficult to even conceive that there is a connection between his partner and his mother. It can just seem like “psychobabble”. There can be an investment in protecting the image he has of his parents. He needs to balance that his parents did the best they could and their lack of relationship had an impact on him. It’s  worth looking at how the early  past pattern  affects how he relates with his partner now.

    He Manages His Fear

    He learns how to manage his fear of being emotionally overwhelmed. He discovers his partner is much more emotionally robust that he imagines. As an adult he doesn’t need to placate her for his survival . He may wish to contribute to her happiness yet he realizes that when she is upset it doesn’t mean that he has failed or that he needs to be over responsible. He is not responsible for her happiness.

    He Receives His Partner’s Emotional Flow

    He learns listen to her emotional flow without taking what she says too personally. He is able to discern what he needs to take responsibility for and what belongs to her past. He discovers how to hear what she is saying on a feeling level rather than get caught in rationality disconnected from feeling.

    He Makes Adjustments To His Attitudes And Behavior

    He realizes that his partner isn’t really wanting to criticize  or undermine him. What she is seeking is for her feelings to be received . She feels what needs attention in the relationship and needs him to make an adjustment/ – walk his talk rather than saying “sorry” and repeating the pattern.

    He Strengthens His Male Identity

    He learns that his partner can’t make or break him or take away his masculinity. From this realization he can be present and receive her when she is upset. He doesn’t need defend his male identity as it’s not under threat. He gets the support of other men to strengthen his male identity and reconnect to his masculinity.

    He Reconnects To His Feelings

    He discovers how to express his feelings and needs. He notices when he disconnects from his partner and learns how to manage his emotions intelligently so he can take a time-out without abandoning his partner.

    He Integrates His Dark Side

    What is emotionally repressed controls him. He includes his male wildness/ dark side constructively in ways that brings life energy and passion into the relationship. He expresses more range of feeling so there is room for love and for hate. He learns how to manage his vulnerability. He reconnects to feelings and opens his heart. In effect he chooses to be in relationship and comes from his core in his actions rather than acting in reaction to his mother.

    Conclusion

    It takes time and work to work on deep patterns. It’s a process rather than a quick fix. Relationship counselling provides a safe place to gain insights and explore what is going on in the relationship. It’s a powerful process of recognizing patterns learnt from the past, detoxifying resentments and gaining a new perspective on what the relationship is about. The felt experience of attending sessions and working things through in the sessions and between sessions leads to the couple feeling more connected to each other and better able to work things through together.

    I would like to acknowledge Nick Duffell and Helena Løvendal Sørensen at Creative Couplework for sharing some of the ideas expressed in this article. By

    Directly from the Bible – An unhealthy soul tie often develops when a young adult or older adult becomes solely dependent upon his or her parents.

    The problem is that many people are still bound by generational curses.  These are curses that have been passed down from one generational to the next.  The umbilical cord is still attached.  They are bound by their birth and early childhood experiences.  It is like that they are dragging a ball and chain around with them wherever they go.

    The umbilical card in this passage may also be a picture of unhealthy and ungodly soul ties.  Such ties are destructive to individuals.  These unhealthy attachments lead to anger, depression, and even at times to attempts of suicide or homicide

    ……Very few men with these issues ever get past them. It takes lots of courage and a willingness to dig really deep and become vulnerable. They must step out of their denial and most can’t achieve this. So to women who find themselves dealing with this disorder in a man, I say exit and learn about yourself as to why you were there in the first place. Then reconsider very carefully if you want to deal with a man with this kind of deep seated emotional disorder. If he is not willing to be committed to you  and to do the work needed, including being in counseling together, I say chances are, you will end up feeling like a door mat to his emotional dysfunction and inability to become a fully grown man. You will forever play the role of Momma and he will forever be a rebelling, escaping, run away, petulant boy. These men have no ability to love a woman because they are owned and controlled by their mother or her memory.  Always a son, never a man… a mother-controlled monster. They lack the self-confidence that most men develop in order to head a household, love their wife and exist on earth with a mostly positive  outlook. Their mother instilled insecurity in them, arrogance or both that conflict with their ability to become a whole integrated man.

    I once was in a relationship with a man, who had severe mother issues. I knew it when I first met him and I distanced myself from him for years. He had never been married. Then he re-entered my life, after his mother died, and I pondered, perhaps he had grown up.  He seemed different, ‘appeared’ like a grown, mature man, the first few months as he professed his undying love for me and we began planning a future. But he soon crumbled into the immature son of his mother. He will never be anything more. He drives his mother’s car and lives in her house in an isolated area.  He sits in a rocking chair looking at the view that his father created. He is assuming his mother’s life. His man facade crumbled  and he became like a negative, fearful, depressed, needy, pessimistic old woman. After telling me he will love me forever and was after me for years. He then tells me he will never marry and prefers being alone because he has had depression all his life, (signs of a chemical imbalance were strong.) He said he doesn’t like being around people for long and doesn’t think he could live with anyone. He is always the same and will never change. So he chooses to live alone in a house built by his mother and father, assuming their life as always  being a son,, never separating his identify and creating his own life.  Because of what occurred between his father, mother and him, along with other members in his family, he will be forever a son and never a man or husband. He will never know or experience the full love and life with a woman because he is too fearful to become a man and  he trashes every woman and relationship he has been in.

    I exited and what the final prompt was, when I wasn’t feeling well, and his comments to me were: “What’s your problem, you don’t have cancer.” ( his mother died of cancer) then he stated “You’re a grown woman and can take care of your own life.”   The clearest statement ever that he wanted no responsibility for a woman on  any level because he is a child and at the time was spending time working on his Momma’s house that he was now living in after her death. After I broke up with him and asked for the things I had left at his house. He left them at my front door with a note that said he didn’t want confrontation. Showing that he is a coward on top of it all. He doesn’t want to be held accountable for his actions and the harm that he does to others because of his immaturity and disorder.

    I am a strong woman and highly independent and that is why he attracted to me in the first place. But we all have needs and need extra caring at times… and this man could not be consistent in this area of relationship interaction. He became resentful to have to put another’s needs before his own infantile ones. And infantile is the perfect adjective for these men. Selfish, narcissistic and childlike are some of the traits of a Momma’s boy.

    I then began learning how I could have  been attracted to him or thought he might change.

    Now, I get it. He was a challenge, He could be kind, loving and sweet then would turn critical and  cold. And when he became cold and depressed, it ripped at my heart, so I tried to help him and be more attentive when actually his behavior repulsed me, as does his over connection to his mother and also his sister. He would become like a whiny toddler, negative, depressed, pouting, complaining and criticizing of me, even paranoid and full of fear about the world and everyone and everything in his life or things even not in his life. When I would observe him sitting on my sofa, all that was missing was a pacifier.

    Momma’s boys are internal and eternal children, will never be men with full emotional capacity and do not know how to fully love a woman… they only love Momma, she owns him.

    Being with this child/man triggered my insecurity that I must be perfect and strong to be loved that had been imprinted on me from my Dad’s high expectations. This Momma’s boy  is a narcissist and I am an empath… so I was falling into codependency. But I am a ‘Daddy’s girl’ and my Dad was a strong, capable provider and protector. This man didn’t have these traits and wasn’t going to develop them,  or couldn’t pretend that he had them for long. He is a whiny, depressed Momma’s boy and thinks trucks, manly toys, climbing some mountain make him a man or temporarily feel like one, when he has no ability to be a man with a woman and this ability is what defines manhood.

    So why was I attracted? He, at first ‘appeared’ manly and he is a large man (false appearance)… and when he fell into being a boy… it triggered my male side imprinted on me by my Dad to carry on and fix things… and that is not the main roll I want in a relationship. I want to be the woman, not the man. I am a feminine womanly/woman and while I am strong and capable, I need and want a man who is manly and takes that role with vigor and pride, that of provider and protector. A man with all his  male genes intact knows that he provides a place for his woman to feel safe and to glow, she can then bestow on him all her caring, joy, nurturing and love…  and he values her place in his life above all others. If a man doesn’t value what you are giving to him, exit ladies. He isn’t worth your time. Any other way and it really does not work… as this was the way God intended it to be.

    After breaking up with him, I went into counseling and healed myself. I had hoped this man and I could heal together, but he refused to go to counseling together.  I don’t want to always have to be the strong one  and my strength is what attracted him, so he could rarely handle any weakness in me.  while I had to continually handle his. In fact, he vomited his neediness, insecurity , depression and lack onto me daily at the end of our relationship and the weight of his disorder made me feel ill physically and emotionally ill.

    I don’t need to be perfect to be loved and being codependent ravages the soul. I don’t want to be some man/child’s mother. GAG!  Talk about a sexual turn off. I deserve a man who can handle my weak side, that I can lean on when needed and is my soft place to fall and is there for me, or I would rather be alone… so, ta da!..  I am out of this Mommy boy dance … and sadly but  gladly said, ba bye!I had begun to pity and feel sorry for this emotionally stunted boy/man and that destroys love, respect and, of course, sex.

    I was a Daddy’s girl and my Dad was strong and capable and that is the only kind of man I will be with. This was my first and last ‘mother-controlled monster’… while I have had other men in my life with their fatal flaws and issues, they were all men and not ‘momma’s boys’.

    A ‘mother controlled monster’ should not be mistaken for a man who has an emotionally healthy respect and love for his mother and she him. This kind of man knows how to treat women, wants, is even honored to be a provider and protector to and for the woman he loves and is consistent in these actions and behaviors. He wants the honor of having a wife, puts her first in his life and defers to her, instead of his mother, sisters or any other female in his family. An emotionally stable mother wants to create emotionally independent children and wants her son to have a wife and to experience the joys of relationship.

    “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ”

    Genesis 2:24

In romantic relationship, is the closest you can get to the mother, father bond and it takes strength of emotions, and self integrity to walk through the healing and if your partner can’t do it then get out , heal and save yourself.

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What inspires you to love?

TreeAnn6Is it beauty, fun, kindness? Is it sex, liking the samethings, or experiences shared? Is it commonalities, differences, or the energy you feel when you are with the person? Is it their actions, words, or that their words and actions match? Is it consistancy, compatiblity, tension or comfort?

Is it inconsistancy, uncertainty, excitement, thrill,  or danger?

Different things attract  the inspiration to love. Some of the attractions are healthy and some not. Sometimes, it’s a mixture of the good and the bad? Some people think they love someone when they feel like they felt with their parents or caregivers. They attract to the familiarity of whatever they experienced then, so it ‘feels’ like love, ‘like home’, when perhaps, it isn’t. It’s just familiar, like a habit, but  it’s what ‘feels’ comfortable, like an old shoe and so they think it’s love.

If the past was healthy and nurturing that is great, but if it was one of discord, addictions or dyfunction, not so great. Those imprinted patterns are difficult to break and they can guide either to goodness or destruction.

So, ponder what inspires you to love and attracts you to someone as it’s the basis of the relationship, its journey, its joys, its pain, its success, its harm, or failure.

“But does he who loves someone on account of beauty really love that person? No; for the small-pox, which will kill beauty without killing the person, will cause him to love her no more.

And if one loves me for my judgment, memory, he does not love me, for I can lose these qualities without losing myself. Where, then, is this Ego, if it be neither in the body nor in the soul? And how love the body or the soul, except for these qualities which do not constitute me, since they are perishable? … We never, then, love a person, but only qualities.”  Blaise Pascal’s “Pensees”

The above is an example of shallow love…

We all lose our ‘qualities’ eventually  and when we do, is when we will know if we are loved and if we love.

The awareness, blessing and grace to love without the distraction of qualities and traits is  a genuine gift and if we love sincerely love  will  eventually evolve into this.

What attracts you to love someone? Ever really thought about it deeply, beyond the face, figure, abs, smile, etc?

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

Oscar Wilde

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To be in a healthy, moving relationship takes a…

???????????????????????????????secure person…

Because to be in a healthy, moving relationship takes a person who is not afraid to look at themselves and to evaluate, refine, shift, compromise, grow and commit. Also, to be in a healthy, moving relationship takes a person who can endure imperfection in self and others. A relationship isn’t perfect, contrary to what Hollywood presents. It’s an alive, moving, changing and breathing entity between two committed people. Two people committed to one another in the process of individual growth, within a relationship, and including the growth in and of the relationship. 

A relationship is love, happiness, intimacy, pain, growth and change and to maintain love through all this takes a secure person. An insecure person can’t weather the storms…they are too much all about themselves, their comfort, their insecurity, lack, and needs. They are threatened by change and growth in their significant other and in themselves, so have difficulty flowing with change. They, more than not, want to control and hamper because change makes them nervous and feel more insecure.

 
And nothing really begins until there is a solid commitment. It’s in commitment that a relationship begins, is, grows and flows… otherwise it’s just playing. And actually it’s all very exciting because it’s the adventure of a lifetime.

It takes honesty, commitment, endurance, humor, intimacy and … what else?
What more is needed for and in a healthy, moving relationship?
 
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Is this sincere?…

This letter was sent to a woman on a dating site…
He asked for her email off the site and she gave it to him… and he sent her this…
???????????????????????????????Hello,

Nothing can be as good as meeting a new friend today. It is Jan. 22nd, 2013 and for me it is a new day and a new beginning. I just want to say a big thank you for giving us the opportunity to communicate more. I am Bryan as you already know, I live in Saint James, New York, I’s 6’1, Grey hair, hazel eyes and white/Caucasian.

Sometimes I count myself fortunate to meet certain people in my life just as I met you today on the site, Apparently, my aim is just to meet the right woman that my mind feels comfortable with in knowing much  more about her and you definitely strike my fancy. When I saw your profile on the site I said to myself, could she be the reason why am on the site with a straight face! Then I thought to myself, If I don’t make the flight move, I might regret my actions. I’m a kind of a man who feels life is worth more to share with someone special.

I have been a successful entrepreneur for several years now and I think it is time to move on. The social media was a great place to meet someone who you can both talk about things in life and what you aspire. I’m not a man of little words or someone that would be scared to share  his emotions. I usually say to myself that when the right woman comes, I would definitely start looking forward to retirement because I want to always travel to places and have much fun together. It hasn’t been really easy been widowed with a young boy but I was happy to be able to bring him up. I am into Designing $ building electrical power plant for the past 20 years and I have passions and love for what I do. I’m a man with a strong heart, loving, caring, honest, compassionate, and affectionate. I believe in God since and never stops going to church every Sunday.

I count myself as an outgoing person, cinemas, concerts, theatre beach, travellin and relaxation. This are few sports I watch, tennis, Football, Basketball, Golf etc. As I said on my profile I don’t want haters as a somen or a sadist. I don’t want games or someone who will continually live in the past evne though we can’t forget our past, I believe strongly in the past as it is what makes us who we are right I want a woman that wants to take a step further in life. The present is now and now is how to move on in life. This kind of music I listen to are: R&B, Soul, Classic, country music and blues. I like taking a long walk on the beach, love going to tour like, Hawaii, Caribbean and Brazil.  France isn’t a bad place to visit too. When I read through your profile I was really amazed and motivated to send you an email and show my interest. I would want to continue with our friendship and see where it goes.

The kind of woman I desire is someone who is ready to love again, someone who is caring, loving, honest, affectionate and understanding. I want someone who will be ready to discuss issues with me, always ready to tell me her pain so I can ease her off, someone to share the good times and the bad times with. I am a romantic guy who feels that kissing, cuddling and romantic words are really important in a relationship. Communication is an important part of a relationship and I believe if we can stablize our mode of communication things will work out as planned for us. I have a great sense of humor, I always want to put a smile on my lady’s face and However I also believe that “Wher there is a will there is a way” My desires is to find my Soul mate $ and Dream Mate, Lover, and Life Companion, who is caring, matured minded, Straight forward, honest and ready to be a good listener and a doer. A lady to confined in and share aims together. less I forget this, You are an absolute beauty from above and I admire your acceptance to further correspondence with me. Now it’s your turn to tell  me about more about yourself, your likes and dislikes, desires and wishes in a relationship.

I hope this gives you a clue about about me and I would be glad if you can tell me more about yourself and probably attach more photos of yourself to your message. Have included my picutes to this message and hope you like them.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Be good and be safe.
Bryan

Ps: I have deactivated my profile on the site because i was getting random messages from there and i don’t want to get hit.

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Okay!  Is he who he claims? Is he American? Are those photos of the person who wrote this letter? Is he a scammer and if you think so, why?

Kissing….Eyes wide shut….

???????????????????????????????Styles of kissing… the way a person kisses reveals much.

Sure, there can be instant chemistry that is magic and unmistakably passionate and sensuous  that sends tingle through your whole body with the inability to stop. Then there can be that awkward, your nose goes where, then my goes…

There are those who keep their eyes open when they kiss… and those who close them. Some are sloppy and messy. Some are precise and neat… and sometimes mixing the two doesn’t work well.. although there are different ways to kiss at different times and in different places… if you know what I mean?!

I read that those who mostly kiss with their eyes closed are more passionate and into their feelings and those who mostly kiss with their eyes open are more into controlling the person they are kissing…

Eyes closed you are inward and  ‘in touch’ with your feelings… eyes open you are directed away from self…

Years, ago, I dated a man who kissed with his eyes open. We would be passionately kissing and I would open my eyes for a sec and there he always would be with eyes staring at me.. it creeped me out.. Sure men are more visual, but…something about his beady eyes staring at me… YUCK!

I asked him why he didn’t close his eyes more often when we were kissing.. his answer. ” I like to watch you.” So, he was more into watching me then what he was feeling… Of course, it ended… as soon, I realized he was not anyone I wanted in my life much less to kiss. Because, it was creepy to glance up and have eyes staring at me in the way that his did.

Sure, eyes open, at times, during kissing, but to have eyes staring.. is strange in my opinion.

Teeth… they must be clean white and straight. I am a teeth freak…mine are clean and well-kept and I expect the same in my kissing partner….

That first kiss can tell you sooo much… It can reveal what kind of a person they are… are they passionate, are they loving, and what kind of a lover they will be…

Kissing is a ‘very intimate’ activity… Hookers, I have heard will not kiss on the mouth.. so that about says it. They will do all sorts of other things with their private parts, but will not kiss on the lips…

What’s your opinion on kissing styles, eyes open or shut, overly wet, or teeth are important or…just??? Pucker up and SMACK!!!!

Hysterical…the stories I hear from women about men…

???????????????????????????????A woman told me that she was interacting with a man over the Internet… and they had communicated for about a month. That he was planning on moving to her area and wanted to meet her. He sounded fairly interesting to her, although physically, not all that attractive, but she was open to meeting him in person to see further.

Several times, during their phone conversations, he said things that she questioned… that came across a bit insulting, or as if he didn’t know how to talk to a woman and she wasn’t sure why. So, she confronted him and he would say he didn’t mean it, or ‘she’ took it the wrong way, that she didn’t understand his sense of humor, or that he was ‘tired’. At times, he mumbled, talked fast and stepped on her words when she was talking with him…

She asked him if he dated often because he appeared to be working all the time and  seemed to be awkward in his communication and he talked fast almost like he was out of breath, at times … and she wondered if, perhaps, he was just nerdy, nervous, or inexperienced with women. He responded that he dated some… and one person in particular, but that it was ending.

She inquired, “Why is it ending?” While thinking, if he’s dating someone, why is he pursuing me?

His answer, “I don’t trust her and it’s a long, complicated story. I will tell you about it later.”

She then wisely asks, “Are you having sex with her?” He replies, “Yes.”

She: “Why?”

Him: “It’s convenient.”

She continues. “So you are having sex with someone you  are ending it with and don’t trust because it’s convenient, while pursuing me. If we meet and like one another, will you be having convenient sex with this woman, you don’t trust? And does she know you are pursuing others? As she ponders, so this man thinks of sex with a woman as a convenience. How disgusting and he is actually saying this to me…

His response. “She is, too.”

Her come back. “Oh I see. Are you hearing what you are telling me?”

His come back. “I am tired. I don’t do well when I am tired.”

She: “How would you feel and what would you think, if I told you I was having ‘convenient’ sex with someone.”

He: “Umm…. well … that would be your business.”

She: “I don’t have convenient sex. So why don’t you go have your ‘convenient’  sex with that woman you don’t trust. I am going to pass on meeting you.”

What would you think and what would you have done?….

A woman desires to see a reflection of…

???????????????????????????????appreciation in a man’s eyes… and a man desires even ‘needs’ to see a reflection of appreciation in a woman’s…

This is the ultimate balance of the male and female and what most all desire, wish and strive for… to have stimulation, excitement, comfort and wholeness… but most of all appreciation…

When this is achieved and balance is there, at least, most all of the time… respect, trust, peace and a true contentment can be experienced through security of both…

A woman’s ‘base need’ is security and that is achieved through respect and trust.. that she is loved for herself and appreciated and admired for who she is along with her innate nurturing abilities. When she feels secure and appreciated, she is then safe to become more of who she is… to be all and bestow her gifts on her man.

A man’s ‘base need’ is to be ‘the hero’ … a protector, in charge and in control of his life’s direction… and to know that he is appreciated for his efforts. When he does this and feels appreciated, he is then free to achieve and be more of who he is…

As in this balance of the innate male/female needs and desires being achieved …. contentment is not only possible, but from which derives joy and bliss.., and when there, nothing is better …

The feminine and masculine in their highest purpose are the perfect reflection of one another..

Agree or not?

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Okay women! What do you want in a man?…Bad boys, or good?

???????????????????????????????I get many inquiries from men who are apparently frustrated concerning this issue. They state women ‘say’ that they want a nice, kind, sensitive, and caring man, but are attracted to and choose the mean, irresponsible ones who treat them badly. Men are commenting that women say one thing, but really want something else… the ‘bad boys’…

So, I will state ‘some’ of the things that attract me to a man, but not necessarily in order of importance. And these things ‘attract’ me, but if he doesn’t stay this way… he will lose me fast…

He puts me first in his life before work, sports, hobbies, his buddies or anything else. That he genuinely likes me, ‘gets’ me and respects me even when we have our differences. That I feel ‘beautiful’ around him even with dirty hair or after working out, or if I have a cold… I never get colds, but if I did. Or okay, if I am feeling under the weather, grumpy or fat…

That he be punctual, has his life in order, knows what he wants and where he is going. No addictions, as in alcohol, drugs, etc. That he keeps his body in shape… likes to have fun, laugh and play like a child, but can also be serious, intellectual and deep.  That we have a similar sense of humor and style…

That he makes me feel treasured, valued, cared for and safe… that he respects what I offer him as a woman and values my femininity.

That he respects women in general and shows this by his actions, not just ???????????????????????????????words…lip service sucks.

That he be romantic. I am a flowers, jewelry kind of girlie type, but am also athletic and a ‘Tom boy’. He appreciates my moods and all my dimensions and realizes that I am ‘one of a kind’. That he has morals, standards, ethics and self-awareness. That he is true to me and only me and values the sanctity of a relationship.

That he is sensual, sexy and passionate and knows what this ‘really’ entails. He knows sex (he’s a grown up, not a boy in this regard)is only ‘one’ way of expressing affection…an important one, but if other aspects aren’t in place… it will die a certain death.

That he is physically active in some form and energetic… that he respects that I might dislike some of the things that he enjoys and that’s okay with him. That we have time alone and together.  That he recognizes that I am an individual and so is he… we are not joined at the hip, but bonded out of love and commitment.

He has manners, is well-spoken and has good teeth. He is successful in his life endeavors and career. He is financially successful enough for me… I don’t pay for dates or financially support a man. In my opinion, any man who expects or allows this is not a man…

That we share some life goals and he is supportive of mine…

While we all have our particular likes and dislikes concerning the opposite sex…. this is a bit of what I appreciate in a man..

But none of it matters, if the chemistry isn’t there. Chemistry is key and  the glue that holds it all together…

A personal story: I was once married to a man… where I put most all the deposit down on our house that was filled with mostly all my furniture. I cared for his young daughter, cooked, worked-out, ran errands, planned entertainment, decorated, ran the house and made his life good. I stood by him during a lawsuit from his ex. That he won because of me and what a great step-mom I was. I gave up our honeymoon so that he pursue protecting his child. He did not buy my clothing or much else and all he did was criticize me. He didn’t want me to workout or to work and he sabotaged anything that I wanted to do. Nothing I did was good enough for him, while really, truth be known, he wasn’t good enough for me… if you get the drift? He was controlling. He was arrogant, lazy and all about himself. He was fearful that he would lose me and he did.

???????????????????????????????We divorced. And I was so happy when he was out of my life. You see, he tried to diminish and control me all the while I was being kind as I cared for him and his daughter. Instead of supporting me, while I supported him, his work, his daughter and his life…he put me down…

But I ‘wonder’ what he (lied) told other women about me after the divorce? Get where I am going with this??? He ‘thought’ he gave me everything and he gave me nothing. I felt alone the whole marriage. After he won me over, put a big ring on my finger and we were married … the fun and attentiveness stopped and he became a jerk. And I stopped caring about him and getting away from him was all I wanted…

If a man doesn’t enhance my life and make it better… why would I want him? I wouldn’t! I don’t!!! I am the prize and if he doesn’t feel that way then why would I make him ‘my’ priority? I wouldn’t and don’t…

So men… are some of you, perhaps, at times, misreading and mis-telling how you interacted with your lady that you ‘now’ complain, you gave so much to? HUH? Really think about it honestly!

Okay women! Let’s tell men what attracts us to them and keeps us happy and content. Apparently, many men don’t know and would like to understand…

To sum it up… I like a good guy with a little bit of ‘bad’, enough to make it interesting… HA!

And I come first and if I don’t l am gone…

Enough about politics, let’s talk men and sex…

What makes a man ‘worthy’ of having sex with a woman?…Ever thought about it? From what I am hearing… not many men are…. and this makes ???????????????????????????????me want to EXPLODE!!!

Example: A man has never met a woman and he emails her this…”Here is a question we can discuss on the phone. What are your feelings about being bestfriends in addition to a quality love relationship? That means different things to different people. We can discuss that.”

What??? How can you be lovers if you can’t be friends? This man must be emotionally stunted somewhere in his psyche. He’s an older man and not 16. HA and oh, really!? How presumptuous that he dictates what can be discussed in their ‘first’ conversation. Clearly, a control freak and control freaks aren’t sexy and don’t make good friends or lovers…

Another man inquires in the second hour of a first date. “Are you a good kisser?” Then a bit later asks, “Are you passionate? Then before, she answers, he states, “I can tell that you are.” So, if the guy can tell this, why did he ask?

A really sensuous and passionate man doesn’t need or even think to ‘ask’ these kind of stupid and premature questions. He gets to know the woman and let’s it unfold at her pace… And if he is sensuous, he can sense her as she reveals herself (should she choose to) and this occurs as she gets to know him and feels trust and security are established and this does not occur in the ‘first’ meeting or date. It occurs with time spent together and different experiences and consistency in his attention towards her. Otherwise, a wise woman leaves him in her wake because he’s not worthy of her…

Besides, what would a person answer, when asked, “Are you a good kisser?” NO!?! HA! Why can’t men see how ridiculous these kind of questions are and how useless and stupid.

Men like this are of course, ‘trying’ to turn the direction toward sex… when it is premature and doing it in this manner is a turn off to a sensuous woman. Now maybe, whores, and sexually promiscuous women respond to lame attempts. But that is another topic… or is it? Are some men treating all women like sluts because of the behaviors of ‘some’ or even ‘most’ women these days? And the example shown in movies, the media and on slimy talkshows.. ‘Sex and the City’ has done much to destroy respect for sex…

A man also stated, “I think I ‘should’ kiss you.” to a woman on a first date.What? Ha!.. Interpretation…I ‘want’ to kiss you….and don’t really care if you are interested in kissing me…
again he’s testing the water to see if he can get laid on a ‘first’ date. She responds. “I don’t move this fast.” His come back. “I am in sales. I like to make the close.”

HAHAHA! Well, buddy, she isn’t buying what you are selling… and how insulting was his comment? He came right out and told her that he was trying to close the deal. And he also is showing that it’s not about her, it’s all about him. He is not worthy of having sex with a ‘quality woman’… He has no respect for her or the act of sex… he is about satisfying ‘his selfish and immediate’ needs…

A real man, a ‘gentleman’, will ask if he ‘can’ kiss a woman… not ‘declare’ that he ‘should’…
And any man who??????????????????????????????? says something like, “You have a really good body” on the first date or meeting… Well, what is this? It’s a man looking to get laid. It’s one thing to say you are pretty or you look fit, but to say, “You have a really good body.” is objectifying and marginalizing a woman for their sexual needs, desires and purposes.

The ‘real war on women’ is led by ‘some’ men.. who think it’s ‘manly’ to focus on sex, or they are so needy that even at mid-age they are still ‘thinking’ with their penis. And men like this are a waste of a ‘real’ woman’s time…
And men like this are not worthy to have sex with a real woman…

Okay women, what sickening things have you heard from a man ‘trying’ to be seductive, to seduce you, or to ‘appear’ sexy?

And men what’s your opinion and why do ‘some’ men say such stupid, tasteless and turn-off comments?

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