In Part Four of Daddy Throws Me In The Air …

is a process to assist in releasing limiting and negative imprints and emotions. I have used in on the large things in my life to what seems like the simplest…

Excerpt – and example:

Whatever you try to deny or hide from will return in either your mind or body. Much illness is created by buried feelings, emotions, and beliefs that cause stress and fear which wreak havoc in your body.

If you are stuck feeling some emotion such as anger, ask yourself:

– What do you gain by staying stuck?

– What serves you to feel the way that you feel?

– What are the benefits of staying in anger?

– Does it make you feel like you are holding something over someone’s head?

– Does is make you feel like you have more power if you stay in your anger?

– Do you feel temporarily stronger staying in anger?

I have found that when someone stays stuck in an emotion at length, it’s usually because they think that it benefits them in some way. Their thinking this may not be accurate, but it’s one way that they find to cope. It can be used an as excuse to not do this and so. If they hold onto their indignant, self-righteous anger then it keeps the person or situation at bay and they don’t have to deal with the real issues, such as their part in it, their fear, their loss, or that they become aware by self-reflection.  Anger can eat a person up inside, if held too long. It can/may help you to feel stronger for a while to get through something in a limited time frame, but if held too long it will block love and joy.

Anger is there to be felt – looked at, used for healing and awareness then let go. And the way to get through anger is to understand, accept and to forgive. This does not mean to forget, but to forgive. You can still remember as in factually but when you forgive, the emotional charge is gone from your energy and out of your body. Why forgive? Because when the charge, the trigger is gone, you are free. The act of forgiveness opens your internal emotional channels for all else to flow and for you to be able to be filled with pleasant emotions. Nothing will block the flow as intensely as holding onto anger.

If you are holding onto a negative emotion, ask yourself why. How do you benefit from holding onto it? And if you let it go, process through it, what would you lose or what would you gain?

All emotions and the feelings connected to them are worthwhile. The difference is that some carry positive energy and others negative. Let the negative flow through you as quickly as possible. When we are clear of the negative, we are open for the positive to fill us up. Would you rather walk around feeling sad and depressed or happy and content?

 


Books by Ayn



The Christmas Stockings – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me In The Air….

I am eleven or twelve 

I want to make my mom and dad something special.   We all have stockings. They don’t have any. I know I’ll make them the most beautiful Christmas stockings in the whole world. I’ve saved my allowance and have about five dollars. I’m going to the ‘Five and Dime’ to purchase all the items that I will need to make the stockings.

Image result for Photos of Christmas stockingsI spend hours looking at all the decorations. I find some plain red and white stockings. I get glitter, bells, holly and bows – the perfect decorations for the perfect stockings. I have just enough money to get what I need – the stockings, glue, green and gold glitter and the other adornments. I purchase all the stocking ingredients and hurry home to my room to create.

With the glue – scissors – glitter – my work is in progress. First, I spell mom and dad on the white furry part at the top of the stockings with the glue.   Then I sprinkle the glitter on the glue.   WOW! These are going to turn out better than I imagined. Mom and dad will love them and love me for making them. When I’m not working on the stockings, I hide all the stuff under my bed.

My grandmother, NaNa and aunts come to visit.   I show my grandmother the stockings.   She thinks they are beautiful and encourages me. “You’re so creative and sweet to make them for your parents.” I tell her that I need more stuff to put on the stockings and I don’t have any more money.   I can’t ask my Mom for more money because the stockings are a secret. My grandmother gives me some money. When we all go out to do errands, I have the opportunity to secretively buy more decorations for the stockings. They’re turning out so well, better than the ones in the stores. My parents are going to LOVE them!

My mom enters my room unexpectedly and says, “What’s all this mess? You’re making a big mess! I have enough to do with Christmas coming and visitors without all of your mess.”   I respond, “Momma, I’m making a Christmas surprise!” She responds, “I don’t care what you are making. Clean up this mess! You’re getting stuff in the carpet and the maid has just left for the day. CLEAN IT UP!”

I’m upset but think to myself, ‘When she sees what I’ve made, she’ll forget all about the mess. The beautiful Christmas stockings will please her so much’.

A few days later after changing, arranging and letting the glue set, the stockings are ready. My grandmother and aunts think they are beautiful.

I run up the stairs to give them to my mother and father. My mother says, “They’re pretty – but your dad and I don’t need stockings. Santa doesn’t visit us and besides there’s nowhere to put them.”

I don’t remember what my dad said. My heart is broken. I had worked so hard. I wanted to please my parents to give them something from my heart. I wanted their love and attention.

I thought the stockings were pretty and that mattered, too. I thought they would look pretty hanging with all the other stockings, but my mother didn’t think they would. She said that it would be too cluttered. My grandmother said that she loved my stockings. Her saying this made me feel better.

I kept the stockings in my room until it was time to pack up the Christmas decorations.   Then I stuck them in the boxes with all the other decorations.

Many years later – in a different house, we were getting out Christmas decorations and my mother pulled the stockings out of a box. She said, “These are pretty. Wonder where they came from? Let’s hang them on the fireplace hooks”. I said, “I made them mother. I made them for you and daddy. Don’t you remember?”

She had a blank look on her face. I’m not sure if she even heard me but she did put them on the fireplace hooks. She never said a word about whether she remembered me making the stockings or not. I didn’t want to say anything more about the stockings because it hurt me so deeply that she didn’t even remember that I’d made them.

The stockings are hung up every Christmas and no one remembers where they came from or who made them.

But I do! They were made with all the love I had. When I see them I remember. I remember the little girl and how she loved so much and wanted to please and make her parents a gift from her heart. I love that little girl and hold her in my heart forever.

My mother could not – would not acknowledge my love for her.   She did not – could not see or feel the joy and love that I was feeling as I made my gift for her and my dad.

As an adult, I know my mother doesn’t like holidays.   She doesn’t like having extra things to do. She can barely get through her day doing ordinary things. Holidays are just an extra bother for her and she can’t wait until they’re over. She dreads putting up a Christmas tree. She is always stressed and angry in the holiday season. She has no joy!

It’s sad to me because I love the holiday season. I love to decorate the house and putting up the Christmas tree is one of the most joyous things I do at Christmas!

One year, many years later during the holiday season, my mother called to say that my father and she were going to their Yacht for Christmas. She stated that she was so glad because she did not have to deal with all the Christmas stuff. She went on and on about how she was so sick of Christmas. Then she asked me what I was going to do for Christmas.

At the time, I did not have the money to even purchase a tree.   I wanted a tree badly, but it would have been an extravagance for me to get one that year. I answered my mother by saying, “Not much, perhaps, I’ll spend the day with friends.” She asked, “Are you going to put up a tree?” I replied that I did not have the money for a tree. She either didn’t hear me or she just ignored what I said and asked, “Aren’t you going to lots of parties?” I responded, “Sure there are always lots of parties.”

When I hung up the phone, I cried. I thought isn’t it bizarre that a person who wants a tree so badly, can’t afford one? And some people, who can buy anything they want, think Christmas is a bother and it’s too much trouble to put up a tree.

I do understand that all the decorations and celebrations can get over done and that going away on a Yacht is a nice way to spend Christmas, too.

Image result for Photos of Christmas TreesAnother year, after a divorce and I was alone in my house. My ex-husband had moved his grand piano out. I got the biggest Christmas tree that I could find and placed it in the corner where the grand piano once was. It took me days to decorate the tree, pulling a ladder around it the higher I went up to place the ornaments on the tree. After it was completed, it was fabulous! I would turn the lights on and lay under the tree as if I was a child. I cherish this Christmas memory!

I love the holidays, but some negative feelings come up. I don’t like to give gifts to my parents because I never feel that they like what I give them. It feels good to give to them because I love them, but I feel they are critical of whatever it is that I give. They are critical of what I give them just like they are critical of everything about me. My mother is always so full of stress at the holiday season that she can’t enjoy and truly see all the love that is trying to be expressed.

I believe the best thing about Christmas is the love that it gives us for the opportunity to express – the giving of love and remembrance of the birthday of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…

For the gift of awareness leading to healing…


Books by Ayn



Shopping in my own closet…

When I was a young person in my twenties, going to college and living at my parents,  I went to classes, shopped and socialized. I loved fashion. I was pretty much a fashionista, needing a different couturier, designer dress or outfit for every date or occasion. If we were going to the lake, I needed a new swimsuit, cover-up and shorts outfit. This was in the time, when women really dressed. We wore dresses and heels to most all functions and kept our bodies fit in order to be able to wear the structured clothing . The way  I fit in and looked in whichever designer dress I wore was the most important aspect of my life – my silhouette must be sleek. What I wore mattered to the max and I  had to have just the ‘right’ outfit – look the best –  make an entrance – with all eyes looking for what ‘I’ would be wearing.  It was part of who I was   – it was my image and I had to keep it up – no matter how time consuming, costly or tedious it was to do so.

I was dating a college man two years older than myself. He was in Air Force ROTC , was getting ready to graduate and enter flight school. So, not only were there his dances and luncheons to attend at the General’s house, etc, but my social functions –  arts, ballet, etc.

I was a fortunate young lady with permission and authority to charge whatever I wanted to my parent’s accounts.  I was a  young society daughter of a wealthy man. I had a long walk-in closet full of clothes, shoes and bags. It was the beginning of spring and I spent hours at all the upscale shops selecting, trying on and purchasing clothes. When at home, I would have my head buried in Vogue, Town and Country,  Image result for Vogue circa 19 75and other fashion mags to see what to wear where and who was wearing what.

One afternoon, I was in a shop on the hunt for the perfect dress for a luncheon and found one. I asked the store manager to please charge it. She returned to tell me that my mother had closed my privilege to charge and that I needed to speak with her and they would be happy to hold the dress, until they heard further from me. You see, I was a well-known and valued patron.

Mortified, but calmly and with authority I stated, ” It must be a mistake. I will talk to mom and get back with you.”

When I returned home  – “Mother, I found a dress I liked and they said that you stopped my ability to charge. Why?! What is going on? I need that dress!  I have nothing to wear!”

Her reply, “You have a closet full of clothes. I think you can get through the summer without buying another thing. At the end of the summer, we will talk about it.”

In horror, What?!  You must be kidding! I have absolutely nothing to wear! Nothing! Do you want  me to look awful?  Do you want me to wear some old rag?” As I think, ‘That’s really it. She wants me to look terrible and have nothing to wear.’ You see, my mother and I never got along. I state, “I will ask Daddy, he will let me get it.”

Her reply, “Your father and I made this  decision together. You have  a closet full of beautiful clothes .”

Truth is I had everything any girl my age could ever want or dream of but I didn’t think or realize that then – I just wanted more. I had clothes from all the designers  of the day – Calvin Klein, Mollie Parnis,, Adele Simpson, Alpert Nipon, Chanel, Dior – a closet full of  Image result for photos of a dark haired woman in designer apparelbeautiful clothing in fabulous fabrications and styles. But that didn’t matter because I must have this particular dress because it was the perfect dress and by owning it then I would feel and be ‘perfect’.  This dress would complete me.

Instead, I found myself struck mortified in a young woman’s fashion dilemma of alternatively wanting, inability to purchase and  shame to be without. I went to my room petrified of a summer ahead with NO new clothes.  I wondered could I live that long with nothing new to wear. I  sat on my bed  and pondered as I  looked towards the entrance of my closet. Then I arose and entered it. I started going through the racks of clothing. I was amazed. I had clothes and clothes that I didn’t  even realize I had and they were great. Cuter than the dress that I wanted and thought I needed.   I plotted my revenge, ‘I’ll show my cruel and hateful mother. I will create outfits out of what I have and will look better than ever. I will show her!’ And so I did.

I began to love being shoppingly creative in my own closet. I had a great summer and felt like I wore the perfect outfit to every occasion.  Actually, I felt like there was a weight off my shoulders –  a monkey off my back – the weight of feeling the need and drive to shop and to continually have something new and different –  left me that summer.

That summer was a big lesson that taught me much. You need much less than you think you do. And if you keep buying new, you will miss out on what you already have. I had incredible clothing in my closet, but I just kept pushing them to the back to fit in the new.  I lost some of my desire to shop after summer – well, of course, not entirely  and not at all times, ( I can still get into that shopping mode at times) but…I learned to use what I have, to stop thinking I always need more or new  in order to feel satisfied – that a new something or other changes little to nothing – once the newness wears off, it’s back to square one looking for something else new for the momentary rush, thrill and excitement.  Sometimes, what you already have is better than what you think you need to attain.

Side bar – Sure young people get into fashion neediness, thinking if they don’t wear a certain item that they won’t be cool and accepted. Advertisers and those who drive fashion know this.  That is why fashion and styles change, from long skirts to short, high heels to flat. Your eye gets used to seeing a new look and then to desire it. It’s marketing at its finest con.  I wish more people were focused on ‘real fashion’ today. When the ‘Flower Children’ made their entrance with their sloppy jeans and tee shirts,  it seems the world continued to lose some of its fashion elegance and now we are falling into bizarre.  Many people seem to have lost pride in their appearance and don’t know what appropriateness is regarding clothing. Perhaps, with the Trumps in the White House, elegance and taste will make a return.

Awarenesses gleaned from that summer of no shopping:

Fashion is fun. Shopping is fun! But not fulfilling for long.

The dress doesn’t make you – you make the dress. A garment doesn’t make you perfect… you make you – ‘YOU’ Who you are inside makes you – ‘YOU’ – Not some garment or item.

What is that great old saying?  You think the grass is greener but it isn’t and this applies to so many things in life.

How about become aware and focus on the art of shopping in your own closet in every area of your life…

A gift of awareness…


Books by Ayn