My entire family is seated around the table in the dining room. The table is filled with turkey and all the trimmings. Dad opened a special bottle of wine. It’s a joyful family celebration. Before we begin eating, we go around the table and each one of us states what we are thankful for.

Then we dig into our Thanksgiving feast. One of us girls makes the suggestion that we reveal the worst thing that we did and got away with when we were living at home with our parents. That our parents didn’t know about.  After all, we were all living in our own homes now, so what could Mom and Dad do – ground us?

I don’t recall which one suggested it or who went first or what anyone confessed to, but when it was my turn.

“When I was fifteen and had just gotten my driver’s permit, it was a Friday night and Mom and Dad went out for the evening. I had a friend over spending the night and we were babysitting my little sisters. We watched movies popped popcorn then got bored and were looking for some excitement and adventure. It was a cold wintery night and there was a bit of snow and ice on the streets but even so, my friend and I decided that it would be fun to take the car out for a drive.”

Mother gasps. “What? I don’t believe you would even think to do such a thing!” She glances across the table at my Father.

He says, “Go on finish the story.”

I continue. “Well believe it, mother. Because after we had done our usual Friday night fun, we were ready for some real adventure. So we talked about loading all the kids in the back seat of Dad’s car then driving around the neighborhood.” I glance at Mom and she shakes her head in disbelief.

I continue, “Really Mom!”

She replies. “I don’t believe you. You are making this up just to shock us.”

I continue, “No, I’m not. We talked about doing it. Changed our minds then we decided to go ahead and do it. The little girls jumped up and down and begged that we do. So we loaded all the kids wearing their pajamas into the backseat of Dad’s car. I got behind the wheel. My friend sat shot gun and off we went. We went driving around the hills of our neighborhood in the dark when there was a bit of ice and snow on the streets. We drove around for a while just fine and it was fun. Then, in an instant we hit an ice patch and the car slid a bit off the road. I’m scared but everyone else thought it was fun and were squealing with excitement and laughter. One of the car’s tires got stuck in some mud. I gunned the car and it didn’t move. I am freaking out inside, but try not to show it. Now everyone else is, too. The little girls are screaming that they want to go home and they are cold. So I gun it again and thankfully, am able pull the car back out onto the street. I drive the car down to the end of the hill, turn around and head back up to our house. I pulled in the driveway and was very careful to park Dad’s car in the exact place where it had been. Then we all get out with excitement and full of exhilaration at what we just did and run into the warm house with everyone exclaiming how much fun it was. Everyone promised not to tell you.” I look at Mom and Dad. “And I guess no one did.” I look into Mom’s face, “And you and Dad never knew or suspected that we did that?”

Mother exclaims, “No and I don’t believe that you did. You were too mindful and good. You were the most obedient child. You never would have done something like that and I don’t believe that you did. You are just making this up to shock us. You were too good and responsible. You never would have done something like that!”

My sisters chime in. “Well, we did it!” It happened!”

Dad says, “Well son of a bitch! No! We sure didn’t know!” He laughs, “You little devils! You are all grounded!”

And everyone laughed.

My awareness is that as a child, my mother always told me how bad I am and how I ruined everything. Now, when I confessed to something I did that was dangerous, irresponsible and bad, she didn’t believe me. Even said, I was making it up because I was too good and responsible. I was stunned, talk about confusing and conflicting messages.

Then I have awareness and understand how much both my parent’s relied on me and had confidence in me. And I fulfilled what they expected of me on most every occasion. Therefore, when I confessed to a time that I didn’t do as they expected, Mother didn’t believe it.

The truth is that I was most always overly good and responsible. And Mother never told me or thanked me when I was being so. She just expected it of me. Thinking back to this makes me angry until I understand that because of my Mother’s issues, I had to be just as I was, responsible and good. I was placed to be so.

But still it felt crazy and confusing and made me feel conflicted inside to hear my mother state that she did not believe it when I was confessing something bad that I did. It also made me realize just as I had thought that I was a kind, caring, good and an overly responsible child. I am proud that I was so, even though it wasn’t fair that I carry such burden and responsibility as a child. Only doing so taught me much and prepared me for life.

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Books by Ayn

People who think everything is only and all about them…

Some call these people Narcissists  – and they may be in varying degrees – displaying Narcissist traits on different levels. Bottom line – in their world no one has value or matters but them. They have no genuine compassion or empathy for others, unless they can put it to use to benefit them in some way, be it excitement, seduction, sex,  monetary profit, or for even the sadistic pleasure they feel while harming another. – because at least then they can ‘feel’.  Many live a life of depression with little to no genuine fulfillment. They are empty. They may own things and ‘appear’ to  have some kind of earthly power, talent or position, or they may not. 
Nothing feels worse for a Narcissist then when they realize that things are not going as  they direct – that others in their life aren’t going to be as they want them to be – that they aren’t the king of all they survey – that things, power and money aren’t enough even after attaining them, their emptiness returns. They  may fall into narcissist depression. They dance and internal dance of – inflated ego – thinking they are more than, to complete deflation – thinking they are less than and are full of self-loathing.  Think Hillary Clinton – a public display example of this affliction –  self-serving and really only about self gratification. She will not – apparently cannot,  let go that she lost the Presidency –  because she feels and thinks it’s all about her.
People such as this can’t see past self because they have been deeply wounded  with no capacity to genuinely self-reflect and to heal. They  try to fill their wounds with things –  addictions – money – power – control over others and when it doesn’t work or doesn’t pan out – they are still left with their wounds. This is when they may become desperate,  anxiety ridden , fall into  deep self-loathing and depression.
They have no ability or are in fear about self-reflection concerning their behaviors or to  have genuine empathy, caring or concern for another or others, because everything is always about them.  They give only in order to get. 
There is  a seemingly flip side to this, in that some care so much about themselves and carry such emptiness that they  even may take into self the pain of others to fill themselves up.  Feeling something even if it’s pain is better than nothing. If someone else is hurting, having issues or even dies, they make it about self.  They may even suffer as if it were happening to them.   They may ‘appear’ to  care even overly so about others and the world at large, but actually,  it’s that whatever happened/happens to someone else, they make it about themselves  and this is because  they are empty. Even another’s death becomes about them and they may carry this for years – if not their whole life.  Mourning the death of someone at length because they make it  ALL about self. It gives them an excuse  not to self-reflect,  heal or to genuinely live . They wallow in pain as their excuse. Depression becomes their excuse – playing victim, so that others who can genuinely feel will feel sorry for them. – thus manipulating others for self attention, once again. 
They will take in and make everything  and anything as being about self – in order to fill up their emptiness and lack.  Pain and depression become their best friends.   People such as this may get overly emotionally dramatic and be unable to let go of events that happen in the world. They may ‘appear’ to be caring bleeding hearts when in actuality they are selfish and make everything all about self.
They may worry, criticize, may be cheap, miserly and isolate themselves. They isolate themselves so that they won’t have to meet anyone else’s  needs or expectations. It’s  mine – mine – is their motto.  To give to another in genuine generosity  makes them have the feeling that it is taking something from them.  ‘I don’t need or want to care about or to  give to another because- it’s all about me. Just giving gives no value back to me.’
Meeting another’s needs drains them because they  are so focused on self that they have nothing to give.  They only have the ability to suck off others. They want no accountability or responsibility because that would mean they would need to think of another in genuine consideration , to compromise, or to put another first, at times.  Unable to do this – because all they can think of is what value someone gives to them  – what they can take, steal or what they can extract.    They need more and more to fill them up.   If they  do  give help for  a short amount of time,  it’s to have the temp high  of doing so  which makes the giving about them. Nothing is genuine.  Because they aren’t genuine to self  – they are walking  facades of being human.  Selfish to their core. 
Narcissists do not genuinely love or have empathy for others. Because not one has value to them unless that can take or get from them and love is not about taking it’s about giving. Narcissists cannot/ do not feel joy nor do they genuinely love.
They are people without hope, faith, joy and love. They are fractured. And rather than process their deep seated insecurity and emotions to come to healing, fulfillment and joy, – they are more comfortable staying where they are. They may even wallow in it. They may  overly attach to animals, things or places. They may isolate themselves and feel sorry for themselves. They are overly critical of self and others – nothing is right. Nothing is wonderful for long. They have no joy in their soul for just being. They are not grateful for what they have or have been given. They are constantly on the quest for more, different or  what they think is better.They may go from buying one thing to another –  to be satisfied  only for a bit – because they are never satisfied.  So off to the next shiny thing with it’s momentary high, intrigue and distraction.  They are stuck, blocked and they make everything about self. They destroy their own happiness and that of others. Once they attain what they thought they wanted – it doesn’t satisfy them because they have no ability to feel  satisfied – wanting more, different or what they ‘think’ will make them happy.
One romantic conquest after another, stuffing their face with food, buying – buying -buying.
They roam this earth in a depressed state of being – searching for something to fill them up. 
To feel and be fully alive, you must process your emotions and the feelings connected to them.  Along with this comes faith, hope, love, forgiveness and joy! God means for us to live in joy. Satan means for us to live in depression, loss, pain, worry  and unhappiness. Satan rejoices when we live in feelings of lack and torment. God rejoices when we live in feelings of abundance and peace.
To have and feel genuine empathy for others, to care, to put others before self is why we are on earth.   But it takes the ability to love self to be able to do so – not in the Narcissist self-love of me -me- me( flipping from the mentality and emotions from a toddler to an adolescent) – those whom are never fulfilled unless, it’s momentarily then always needing/wanting more . But to be in the genuine love of self as seen through the eyes of God – as a mature, caring, feeling adult.  Most of us emotionally and mentally grow out of the ‘toddler – adolescent mind’ into maturity –  these lost souls – do not.  Like a selfish child nothing matters to them – unless, it provides them stimulation and value.
When it gets real – time to become an adult- be accountable – put others first or equal to – they run away or fall into depression. ‘Oh poor me’ is their internal mantra.
Victims are the greatest stealers of other’s energy. They suck. They destroy. They criticize. They blame. They whine. They wallow in self pity. They take. They are depressed – angry – sullen – unhappy – unfulfilled. They are a weight on everyone’s world where they enter and stay.  They suck the joy out of the world.
Those who make everything about themselves are lost and never find fulfillment in their heart and soul. Nothing matters to them until it happens to them.
I saw the movie LET THERE BE LIGHT  – it’s a story of a man  doing just this. He  makes everything about himself. His pain, loss and mourning are only about himself. He doesn’t recognize the pain in those he loved.  He doesn’t  see beyond self. He has no faith.  So he fills himself up with liquor, things, sexual pursuits, distractions and by turning against and trying to negate God.  Then God reveals the light.
May God reveal his light guiding you to the way of internal peace.
Becoming aware is our path to healing our wounds…

Books by Ayn

Pimple On My Nose – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me In The Air

I am fifteen

I am enjoying visiting with Dad in the kitchen about everyday things. “Hey Tiger, you look cute today.”

Surprised, “I do? Thank you, Daddy!” I was going through the blahs being a teenager and usually felt like I looked icky. So for Dad to tell me that I looked cute made me feel great!

Dad continues, “But you have a pimple on your nose.”

Hearing Dad comment about the pimple on my nose devastated me. I had tried hard to cover it up. It was one of those hulking red terrible ones and it had to be on my nose. It was just horrendous, a complete headlight of embarrassment.

Dad continues, “Did you realize that you had a pimple on your nose, and a big one!”

“Yes, Daddy I did.” Sarcastically, “Thank you, for reminding me.”

“Aren’t you going to do something about it?”

“Yes, I am.” Then I quickly exit the kitchen to my bathroom to look at and work on the pimple on my nose.

So instead of Dad and I having a nice conversation, he pointed out a flaw in me that not only embarrassed me but shut down our communication.  Dad often did that, pointed out a flaw. He would compliment me then take it away in the next breath.

This created in me the feeling that I was never okay and certainly, never close to perfect. And that I must be perfect so that I would not be criticized in some form or another. I became so aware of every little flaw that I didn’t need someone to point them out because I did it myself continually in my mind.

Okay, you know those hard pimples that when you poke a hole in them with a pin, sanitized with alcohol of course, then squeeze and clear liquid and blood comes out? Then the next day, they are full of white pus. They are red, painful and awful and you need to work on them a couple of days – layer by layer, squeezing, applying peroxide and alcohol then repeating the process to fully release the yuck inside of them. Well, releasing poisonous imprints, perceptions and belief systems are the same thing and take the same repeated process. Poke it with a pin and it hurts. Squeeze and a bit of relief then repeat again and again until all the nasty poisonous pus is released. Then and only then will the wound created by the pimple heal itself so that the skin is back to normal and is healthy.

Same as with the fractured part of your being that has been imprinted with negative and poisonous imprints. When these imprints are recalled or triggered, it’s not until all the pus is out that the wound can close over and fully heal. Otherwise, it’s left with poisonous pus to fester and will come back again and again.

It’s also interesting that while the pimple is there that it’s the only thing I can see when I look into the mirror. It stands out to be seen. First thing in the morning, I look at it to see if it’s still there or if it’s healing and less noticeable. I do this many times throughout the day and before I go to sleep at night.  I think about it often when it’s there, then when it heals I completely forget that it had ever been there. That is how we are with most things. When something is irritating us, bothering us, needs our attention, we focus on it as if it runs our life. This is how negative imprints, perceptions and beliefs control us. Until they are seen, understood, accepted and forgiven they control us. Those imprints will continue to bother us until they are recognized because that is their nature and purpose.

My skin is olive and is oily. I suffered and suffer with pimples at times, but the good thing is that oily skin is not prone to dryness and wrinkling like other skin types. So like most everything in life, there is a minus and a plus because we are on the planet of dualities – good and bad – negative and positive. It just depends on where you are at any given time and how you look at it.

As I age, I am happy that I have oily skin. But I still get embarrassed and hate it when I get a pimple and especially on my nose. Because it’s like a sign flashing that I am not perfect. Ha! But I have learned to love myself even though I am not perfect. Just as God loves us all and knows that we are not perfect. But in our imperfection, there is perfection.

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Books by Ayn


Image result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun Shooting At Logs In A Pond…


I am divorced and living in my house alone. I loved being alone in my house. But one night, late at night, while in bed I heard the fence gate at the side of the house squeak open. I jumped up and looked out the side windows of the house. I heard more noises. As I turned on the outside lights to the side of the yard, I dialed 911. I went back into my bedroom, closed the door and kept the 911 operator on the phone until the police arrived.

The police looked all over. No door or window was tampered with but when they came in from the back yard, they told me that the gate to the right of the house was open. There were footsteps on the side yard and in my backyard. They said that when I turned the outside lights on, it must have scared whoever it was away. I was freaked out. So I turned on all the outside lights to flood the yard and kept them on the rest of the night. The policemen inquired if I had a gun for protection.  My answer was no. The police patrolled and watched my street and neighborhood for the rest of that night.

The next day, I called Dad to tell him what had occurred.

Dad said, “I’m going to pick you up. We are going to the ranch. You need to learn how to shoot a gun for your protection.”

At our ranch, Dad drove the truck far out to a back pond where he showed me how to load and to shoot a gun. I practiced by aiming and shooting at logs in the pond. It was so fun! I found that I was a good shot. Dad was impressed.  I loved practicing so much that I wore my dad out. I didn’t want to stop. Dad sat in the truck while I stood nearby, shooting at log after log. Dad did place some beer cans on tree stumps for me to also practice on. But my favorite was to shoot the logs in the pond. I was able to hit my mark most every time.

I noticed that Dad looked at me in pride as I was having fun practicing my aim. Dad and I could have such a good time, just the two of us. We had much in common. We enjoyed learning, striving to master skills and new adventures. I loved the tomboy side of me and so did Dad.

Driving across our land back to the ranch house, “Well Tiger, from the looks of it, I’d say that you could hit someone dead on if they were coming at you. The best strategy is, if you hear someone in your house – get your gun, cock it, get down behind your bed, face and aim at the bedroom door. If you see someone at your door, shoot them in the legs. Immediately after, shoot them in the torso. Shoot to kill. If they are in your house and in your bedroom, they are there to hurt you, so hurt them first.

“But Dad, I don’t know if I could really shoot at someone to hurt them – to kill them?”

“Hell Tiger, are you kidding? If someone is in your house and entering your bedroom, you shoot to kill. Do you hear me? It’s either you or them by that point! And of course, call 911! But don’t be weak and let someone get too close to you, so they can overpower you. You hear me? Shoot to kill!”

“Yes Dad, I understand.”

“Here keep this gun, it’s yours. Keep it beside your bed.”

I respond, “Okay. Thank you.”

Dad continues, “When we get back to the house, I will give you more ammunition for it. Keep it loaded, but with the safety on.”

Dad spent time at length teaching and watching me load and unload the gun, taking the safety off and putting it on. I loved learning. Dad had many guns of all types both at our in town residence and at our ranch.  Knowing how and being able to shoot a gun, when and if I ever needed to protect myself gave me a secure feeling.

That is part of what a Dad does, teaches you to protect yourself physically. Thank you Dad!

Emotionally, Dad taught me some about how to protect myself butImage result for Photos of a woman shooting a gun also left me open to be taken advantage of and to be overpowered. He didn’t do this intentionally. He did it unknowingly. His way of relating to me taught me that I was above most others in the world, but not good enough for him which served to confuse and fracture me internally. At times, I felt better than others then my self-esteem would crash and I felt like I was not good enough.

When you don’t feel good enough and not equal to others, you can flip from feeling better than others to not feeling good enough. This means you are not in balance and not feeling ‘equal to’. It creates up and downs and insecurity at times, then over valuation at others – which is an imbalance in the belief system that leaves a person fractured internally. While they may appear outwardly arrogant at times, they feel weak and insecure at others. This is done to compensate for not feeling equal to others. And this is how my dad related and what he created in me.

Had he been aware, he would have taught me to protect myself emotionally as vigorously as he had taught me to protect myself physically. But did he really and fully know how to do this? He was passing down to me the way that he internally coped and it became imprinted – until I became aware that I am equal to all others, not better than or less than but equal to.

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Books by Ayn

It’s bumpy and I am scared! ….

It’s Bumpy And I Am Scared!

I am eight

We are on our way to Florida for a family vacation. I am sitting beside Daddy on the airplane. The little girls are sitting somewhere behind us with Mommy.  The airplane is bouncing up and down lots and way too much for my comfort. I feel as if I could throw-up any minute and if I did that, I would be so embarrassed because I am eight-years-old and not a baby.  But it’s really, really bumpy and I’m really, really scared.

I am trying to act grown up, but I get so frightened that I can’t anymore and I turn to Daddy, “I’m scared, Daddy. Why is the airplane bouncing so much? I feel like I could throw up!” He responds, “It’s okay Tiger, airplanes are meant to withstand turbulence.” “But -but, Daddy, I feel sick to my stomach.” “Here’s an airbag, hold onto it just in case you need to throw up.” I take the bag and hold it tightly in my lap while trying very hard to not be afraid.  Then the airplane bounces up high then down low as my stomach does the same. “Daddy, Daddy! Is the plane going to crash?” “No, everything is fine. The airplane is doing what it’s supposed to do. It is built to withstand turbulence.”  “Okay Daddy, but I am still scared.” The plane bounces roughly again. I grab hold of Daddy’s arm, “Daddy!”  “Okay, Tiger, remember when we were fishing that time and your Mother caught a fish and when she reeled it in and it flip flopped inside the boat, how she jumped up, screamed and almost turned the boat over?” I laughed, “Yes, I do, Daddy and it was so funny!” Daddy kept telling me stories, real and made up, one after another, until the plane touched down in Miami. He kept my mind off the turbulence, off my fear and off my needing to throw-up. He kept me focused and even laughing and enjoying myself.

Even at the age of eight, while this was the perfect distraction, I knew what he was doing. And as I knew this, I loved him so very much for his doing of it.  I love the memory of sitting beside my dad when I was scared riding in turbulence in an airplane and he told me story after story to keep my mind off my fear. So clearly, your mind, even while in intense fear can be distracted and occupied in order that you stay out of fear and in control, relaxed and in present time. Daddy taught me this by example, when I was eight-years-old that to occupy my mind with funny and interesting things and the fear will dissipate.  I love you Daddy for this lesson, thank you!

I recall this imprint of awareness as often as need be. If when emotional, you flip into your thinking brain, it will alleviate or may even clear the emotion. Being more in the analytical side of your brain will bring you into present time – to be in the moment and out of the emotion of fear or the anticipation of fear and the ‘what if’s’.  When I am in stress, emotional pain, fear, anticipation or dread, I will oftentimes, do a task, such as clean my house, workout, focus on something physical and or mental that will pull me out of my feelings and emotions. Doing this gives me release to either work through the issue, come back to it refreshed, put it more into perspective or to release it completely. Staying and being in present time puts most things into perspective.  It’s the anticipation of fear of the future and or anticipation of the ‘what if’s’ or the negatives that messes us up and freezes us in emotional fear.  Of course we need to prepare for the future and the ‘what if’s’ in life as best that we can, but some things we have no control over or won’t know until they happen. As human beings, we are vulnerable at times. Some things are out of our control.  So it’s better to live happy and positive and turn it over to God.