My Last Halloween – excerpt from Daddy Throws Me in the Air..

  • My Last Halloween

 I am thirteen

I have to take all of my younger sisters, ‘trick or treating’.   What a drag! Well, I guess I can get all dressed up like a ‘beatnik’ or something. Then maybe, it won’t be all that boring.  Halloween is on a school night and mother will not let me go to my friend’s house. I have to stay at home.

Image result for Pictures of Children on trick or treatingI love Halloween! I like to run around in the dark with my friends. I especially like it when it’s cold and windy. When the weather is like that, Halloween is really haunting. It’s fun to scare yourself by pretending a monster is after you.

This might be my last Halloween because I’m getting older. I’m getting too old to ‘trick or treat’ with my younger sisters. I wish I didn’t have to take them around the neighborhood house to house, but I’ll make the most of it. I’ll dress up and get candy too. I feel tall and awkward. I grew fast or something because all of a sudden I’m taller than everyone. I’ll just stand in the back of the group. That way no one will notice me.

Everyone is ready and it’s beginning to get dark. So off we go! The wind is blowing and it’s cold outside. It’s a perfect Halloween! The wind is howling in the trees. The leaves on the trees are making rustling sounds.   It’s all so spooky and fun, I love it  We go from house to house, up and down the streets. Our neighborhood has lots of hills which makes it even more fun and scary.

After being out for about an hour and a half walking up and down the hills, we’re heading back to our house. It’s getting late and everyone is getting tired. We have three more houses to go before we’re back at our house. The house that we’re going to next is real pretty. It sits on the other corner opposite from ours and has a bridge to walk across to get to it. It’s fun to walk over the bridge. The lady who lives there appears nice. I’ve seen her driving her car in the neighborhood. She’s pretty and friendly. It’ll be fun going to her house. I think she has some sons around my age or maybe, older.

We run across the bridge and go up to the front door. We ring the door bell and yell, “Trick or Treat!” The lady comes to the door and looks us all over. She comments about all the little children’s costumes and says how cute or scary they look. Then she looks up at me and turns up her nose. She makes a sarcastic comment about the fact that I’m too old to be ‘trick or treating’. She comments, “You’re a bit tall aren’t you? Don’t you think you’re too old to be ‘trick or treating’?   You’re taking candy away from the cute little ones. It’s horrible how you older children ruin the holiday for the children.” Hearing this coming out of her mouth is my worst fear. I feel so uncomfortable, I could die. I am tall for my age, five foot three and very thin. What this woman said to me and the way she said it, cut right through me.   I felt embarrassed, awkward and wanted to crawl into a hole. I told her that I was taking my little sisters out, but she shot me a dirty look. I felt like I had committed a crime by the way this woman looked at and spoke to me.   Then she said, “If you are only taking your sisters out, why did you take the candy and why do you have a candy sack?”

I wanted out and away from her fast. I didn’t respond to her and told everyone to hurry up that we are going home. I wouldn’t

Image result for Photos of pumpkins and Halloween candy

let my sisters go to more houses after that experience. When we got into our house, all my younger sisters got their pajamas on and then poured all their candy out on the floor in their bedrooms.

I went downstairs to my room and took a shower.   I felt ugly and dirty after the way that lady had spoken to me. What she said and the way that she said it, hurt my feelings into my heart. I already felt awkward and weird about my appearance and all the changes of the new school and the new neighborhood. To hear those critical words come out of her mouth, when I was doing as my parents asked me to do, hurt me into the core of my being.  I had seen her around the neighborhood and thought she was pretty and that she would be a nice person.  I got into my bed that Halloween night and cried.   I thought something must be really bad wrong with me for a lady in our neighborhood to say those things to me.

This woman became a friend of my mother’s and they played bridge together in a club. After that Halloween night, I have seen her and been around her all of my life. I do not really have an opinion whether she is ‘nice’ or not anymore, but I’ll always remember her stinging words. The words she said to a thirteen-year-old child taking her sisters ‘trick or treating’. I wondered what would make her say such comments to a child. Years later, at a society luncheon event, I decided to share with her what I remembered about that Halloween and how it had affected me.   She was shocked. She said she did not remember saying those things and she always thought all of us girls were darling. She even had hopes that her son and I would date because she thought me such a doll. So I had spent years agonizing over something this women had said when she didn’t even recall saying it.

This incident makes me aware of how easy it is to affect a child or anyone by our ‘innocent’ comments. This woman meant no harm. She was just voicing her opinion, but she was voicing her opinion to a sensitive, insecure young girl. I took her words to heart because I was at a sensitive time in my life and was insecure in myself. If she had said that when I was feeling secure, I might have just thought her rude and blown it off. What was the purpose of her cruel and berating remarks?   Had she had a difficult day and was just taking her frustration out on a kid or was she a bitter woman who really didn’t like children, unless they were little and adorable? Had she had some liquor that night while answering the door for ‘trick or treaters’, so her judgment was flawed? Who knows?   It really does not matter.

All I know is that at the time, her remarks cut deeply into me. Are we ever truly aware of what we say and how we say it affects others? But on the flip side, sometimes harsh remarks can stimulate us to look at self and to change. Only in this instance, there was nothing I could change. I was tall for my age and I was doing as my parents asked me to do and I got nailed for it by a neighbor.

Awareness is why did I let this affect me so deeply?   Granted I was a child and did not realize at the time that this woman was being a grouch. I automatically took it into myself and to heart that something must be wrong with me. I had such low self-esteem at the time that I automatically took her critical remarks as if I was doing something ‘wrong’. Actually, I was doing something I did not really want to be doing, to help my mother and my younger sisters.

The reality is when someone says ugly and hateful things they are usually talking about how they feel at the time. It is more a reflection of them and not you. If a person truly loves themselves, they usually don’t say hurtful cruel things to others, especially to a young child. But also awareness is that sometimes, you can be overly sensitive and take something to heart that the person saying it doesn’t even recall. This lady was placing her opinion on me without knowing anything about what was really going on. How grumpy does a person need to be to verbally attack a child, ‘trick or treating’?

When I look back on this event, it seems so insignificant, but I have remembered the way I felt at the time all of my life. This lady had no awareness of how much she affected the young girl she spoke to on that Halloween so long ago. She never realized it or even thought about it. We are constantly, day by day, bringing up emotions and feelings in one another as we react and interact with each other,  So the awareness is that you never know how much you affect people by what you may say or do. Also why do we let what people say to us affect us so much, at certain times in our life? Why do we let their critical remarks injure our self-esteem? That is our issue to look at, not theirs. When we are secure in ourselves, we will not feel the need to talk negatively to others. And when we are secure in ourselves, we will not take negative, critical things other people say into ourselves and allow them to affect us.  The goal is to respect ourselves and others.




I can forgive this woman. She had no awareness of how much she hurt me. It was my own insecurity which allowed this incident to affect me so deeply. Many times, you may not see things as they are; you see things as you are.

Be aware that everything you say and do affects you or those around you either for good or for ill. And sometimes what is meant for ill; can be changed to good.

“Everything I do and say with anyone makes a difference.” Gita Bellin

Our memories and their imprints teach, guide or limit depending on how we process them…




 

Physical and emotional health are the first wealth…

I was at an event about a month ago where I met a man who talked a lot about when he was a young man in the service that he  was stationed in Hawaii and was awarded a post at the White House in the Ford administration. He even carried  a photo book with him – which he pulled out – about as bizarre as anything I had experienced at a social function. He seemed a lonely man . His wife had died in the past couple of years and it seemed that he missed her terribly. So I endured listening to him to be kind while I wondered was his wife the only one who could stand him?  In the photos showing him with Queen Elizabeth, President Ford, Nancy Reagan, etc. – he was a slim, trim guy – no resemblance to the man  as he appeared today.  He wore my ears out with his bragging.

He weighed about 300 pounds or more  –  I don’t really know how to judge weight well. But he was HUGE, had trouble walking and he could not stand for long.  I sipped wine listening to his stories as he went on ad nauseaum – then he went on to tell me how much money he has, how wealthy he had become – how great a businessman he is – how big a house he was getting ready to buy to live in alone – how he was getting ready to retire and no one wanted him to do so – the people he worked with LOVED him – about the new luxury car he was going to purchase.  He already had the biggest Mercedes made but he got a new one every year – plus a truck – SUV on and on. I kept moving away to try and mingle and  talk with others – but he followed as best his fatness would allow – he was attached to me. Since I was kind and listened for a bit, he wasn’t going to let me get away.

When finally I escaped and was across the room from him, I observed that he talked continually about himself – pulling out his photos from the past to try and impress as everyone moved away from him. He eventually sat at a table alone drinking a Martini and stuffing down food.

He was the perfect example of an empty vessel trying to fill himself up with any and everything. I pondered – what a sad lost man – living in the past – obese – empty –  stuffing himself with food – having the need to talk continually about how important and wealthy he is to impress and no one could stand being around him.

His physical appearance was grotesque even though he wore an expensive suit that was tailored as well as could be to fit a body his size. His emotional health was clearly as bad as his physical.  (Your outer self reflects your inner.)

As I thought back to this man, it made me sad for him. I live in an area where affluence is abundantly everywhere. Some people talk about and flaunt what they have and who they ‘think’ they are. There are of course, women like this man, all  fashioned up in their designer labels, overly done make-up, plastic surgery  and their bragging – as if all this defines their existence on earth.

Things are nice, accomplishments great, what you did in the past – sure it’s part of who you were and are but it needs to be integrated into the now . Who you are today. That is what matters.  How does your body feel, function and move? How do your emotions flow through you? Do you live in the past or are you living in the now  in peace and joy with an eye to the future?  Do your eyes sparkle with passion for life, does your body move in health and vigor or are you stuffing yourself with any and everything to fill your emptiness and to numb your inner lack and pain? Do you spackle your face with make-up, so no one can see the glow of your skin and wear rings on every finger?

Listening to that man, he was not interested in me or anyone else really – only that they listen to him. No one had value to him… except to fill up his empty self-worth and ego  housed in a bloated stuffed-to the brim fat body.

He had/has a fractured inner core. Where that fracture happened or came from only he could know or figure out. He kept telling me what a nice guy he is… He was exhausting!

I think he did ask me one question – what I did or like to do and I think I stated that I am a writer and was getting ready to put a book out. He didn’t ask what it was about or anything else. He went onto talking  about the  huge house he was going to purchase with large yard and pool —- blah blah and blah!

If I had clearly met someone who obviously could use and benefit from the info in my book – it was this man, but he would have little to no ability to comprehend its awareness . He thought he knew everything – had everything and was everything.  He pretended his life was perfect. His family perfect – kids and grand kids perfect – during our conversation one called him to ask for money. He stated a woman that he took out a couple of times had asked him to pay her rent and to give her money and he couldn’t understand why… UGH! The man had/has no concept of self.

When you are ready to become more aware of what makes you – ‘you’ – what you have been imprinted with, why you believe, think and act as you do – to learn how and why the memories that you recall most often are guiding your life whether you  realize it, want them to or not…

 




Initial Book Offering – Daddy Throws Me In The Air….

…is ready for  pre-order. From today, October 17th through Nov 7th –  when your order is placed – I will have the books sent to me to autograph  along with a special message – then I will mail them out to you. The price is $24.99 along with a small mailing fee – since it will go through two mailings – first to me then to you.




Ayn Dillard’s book, Daddy Throws Me in the Air, demonstrates plenty of spunk and tenacity that will inspire others, who have had similar trials and tribulations in their upbringing, to persevere as she has done. It is a self-help book that encourages as well as coaches others in how to survive a difficult childhood.A searing look at what the lack of love and feeling of empathy from a parent can do to a child. Ayn works her way through this unspeakable stress at a young age and gradually comes to terms over how to handle the loss of maternal support.  Janice Spina, Author, Copy Editor

Description: 
“It was time to heal. I had to stop creating a life that I could not live.  It was time for the pain and suffering to stop.  There was too much pain. I will die if the pain continues.  Why does my life keep ending up in the same place?  Abusive marriages, divorces, lawyers, legal suits – people in my life that had alcoholism, mental illness and abusive behavior, all telling me that I am the problem.  Why did I keep creating and recreating everything I did not want and vowed not to have in my life?

In the process of the healing – soul searching – reading of books – discussing – studying – therapy; seemingly insignificant scenes from my childhood kept entering my mind.  The scenes were overpowering me, forcing me to look at and relive the feelings that I was having at the time.  I began writing down the stories and discovered very meaningful messages that I was given as a child, messages that imprinted me and shaped my life’s existence.  These scenes and the feelings they created caused me to experience a repetitive pattern.  It did not matter if the imprints were intended to create this pattern, only that it was the pattern it created in me. Until I was genuinely ready and able to look at my imprints and beliefs, where they came from and release them – the pattern would remain.”
Negative imprints, beliefs, thinking and emotions cause a great deal of mental, emotional and physical distress. Negative thoughts and worry sink deep and can control your life. There is power in how you perceive your past, your relation to it and your world . Awareness of how your past affects and guides will help stop the vicious cycle
‘Daddy Throws Me In The Air’ is a journey through childhood memories to  awareness. It includes a process to assist in releasing negative imprints and beliefs.
My life is my gift to you.

Excerpt:

He turns and looks at me, as I softly ask. “Daddy, do you mean that?”

His eyes tear as he answers. “If you had never been born, your mother would not have had a breakdown. If you had never been born, she would be okay – like she was when we first met. She was more like you are then. She was happy and full of – of life and now…”

“You said this is not the way things are supposed to be with me. So you think at the age of one that I caused her to have a breakdown? Was I, at the age of one supposed to experience that? Do you ever think about what that did to me as a baby, to have a mother become catatonic then put into a mental institution? Was that supposed to happen?

Tears enter my Dad’s eyes almost as if he had never thought about the affect all that had on me as a one-year-old.
Dad doesn’t answer. He just stares ahead.

Author Bio:
Ayn Dillard has experienced much prompting much self-reflection. She is a self-proclaimed know-it-all and is sharing some of what she knows with you. She acknowledges that just when you think you know everything, your inner or outer world shifts. For you to realize that you don’t know much of anything, encouraging you to dig deeper to discover an even more profound awareness and wisdom. Understanding this, she shares what she has gleaned from her experiences and life to assist others to become more aware. She is a former ballet dancer, and former interior designer.

 




Empty People…

trying to fill themselves up – do much damage to self and others. To them the grass is always greener – because they have little to no ability to appreciate where they are, what they have and to water their own grass – they are always looking over the fence to another yard or to attain another shiny object.

They exploit others using sexuality – they lie – they cheat – trying to make themselves feel good about who they are and  to stave off and deny their internal self-lack. They are void of self worth continually trying  to fill themselves up.  Sex is one way, but there are many ways that the empty-vessel-people try to fulfill their desperate need to feel worthy and fulfilled.

They may gorge themselves on food. All those huge swollen bodies in this world stuffed themselves overly full to become that way. Sure, there are a few people with physical disorders that keep them heavy, but for most it’s because they stuff themselves to overly full – way too often. We all may do this occasionally, but it’s not what is done occasionally that does the harm. It’s what is done daily as a habit or obsession that creates the dysfunction of destruction. Then most sit on their butts in front of the TV or computer escaping into whatever it is  they can find.  Escape – escape-  escape is their goal – trying to escape themselves and their self loathing and fear, along with refusal to face self in any solid self-reflection.

Some use drugs or alcohol to escape their self-lack and emptiness.  They will do any and everything to avoid facing self and their core issues. They are empty to the core and they will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel full – except to face self and to genuinely heal. They continually are trying to cover their internal wound with one band aid after another, when emotional surgery is what is needed. They have little or no regard for others because they have little to no regard for self.

Some buy or collect things. Some become hoarders – if one is good ten is better mentality. They may collect cars or other objects. But once one object has been purchased and owned – their intense internal lack leads them to immediately desire another. They are never satisfied as they roam about on the hunt for their next momentary high only to have it crash to the ground which stimulates  and forces them to search and acquire their next rush. They can’t be genuinely happy or feel fulfilled for long because they do not have the internal means to do so. Some where in their lives they have been fractured – and it’s seemingly easier for them to look  outward to things, objects, money, sex, drugs – any addiction rather than to stop and face  self – their demons – their inner issues.  The grass is always greener in their distorted mind’s view. Something around the next corner or curve they think may be their answer.  They may have a beautiful wife, kids and success but they have little to no ability to have appreciation or gratitude  for what they have. Their inner empty vessel  always desires more – better – younger -newer – the next best shiny thing.  If they have a brunette wife, they desire a blond mistress, etc.

They have little ability to be in the moment of thanks and gratitude. They have a restless soul – they are an empty vessel always looking – searching to be filled-up in some way or form. I am not referring to healthy ambition. I am talking a destructive, internal empty vessel self of nothingness that will eventually lead to destruction in some form or another.

It also  has to do with spirituality and a connection to God – when there is little to none – destruction of self and others doesn’t matter – because no real ability to feel love – contentment – goodness or joy exists in the individual at the deeper soul level. God – goodness values human life. Evil – satanic has no value for human life, but to capture and destroy… hence its attraction to addictions of all varieties.

The key to having a solid core is to face self straight on and in deep self-reflection.  Avoiding self will always lead to  a life with broken fragments – ultimately shards of nothingness.

My book – out now … has a process to assist with this kind of intense and inner self-reflection.




Only lost souls – those with fractured self-identities…

are overly enamored or obsessed with actors, actresses, rock stars, reality stars, artists, politicians, athletes, sports, religious types, those of extreme wealth or any kind of ‘guru’ etc. – and I will also include in this group those who are obsessed with ‘things and objects’.

People in the public eye are showing  for the most part an ‘orchestrated persona’. It is not – many times anything close to who and what they actually are. And some, who are shockingly crass and gross are doing so to garner fame,  attention and your money to purchase what they are offering. Many are talented in the areas of acting, music or athletics and it’s to be enjoyed or admired for what it is. But because they can play tennis or golf well, does not mean their whole life is in order – that they are wise about much anything else – or that their life is that which to emulate – Tiger Woods comes to mind. – but there are so-so many others.

They make money and fame off all their followers. Why follow anyone – how about lead your own life? Only a person with little to no self-identity will overly attach themselves to a person, place or thing. 

When you put those in the public eye on a pedestal and admire them, emulate them – follow them – worship them – thinking that what you see is really accurate or all that there is – and that they have no motive other than that which is self-serving or that they have nothing negative, perhaps even vile that is  being hidden from view – then you are bound to be disappointed.

Their images are often times created to be as such to grab attention and admiration and nothing more – with the purpose of gaining income and popularity for self and their ‘handlers’. It’s mostly advertising and publicity. In essence, it’s a con and fraud to the public – an illusion.

Some teenagers  – the immature – those who remain stunted in their emotional and intellectual development may idolize these figures for awhile especially those with little self- identity. But hopefully  as they grow, find and develop who they are and will become – they will be able to self-actualize and not idolize others to prop up their identity. They will mature out of these illusions and delusions as they  discover themselves and their individual identity. It’s only the lost souls – the fractured, who stay captured by the facade of  images and things. Unfortunately, in this time frame, there seems to be so many with little to no maturity, wisdom and authenticity of self that they emulate, believe, even get plastic surgery to look like some public person.

Actors, musicians, etc. are to be appreciated for their talent and enjoyed as entertainment, but that is pretty much it – to give them more credit is to be immature, naive and under a kind of spell of brainwashing. They are not ‘stars’ . That phrase ‘movie star’ was coined to garner admiration and to create the illusion of being above all others. It’s all BS! They are not above all others. Because someone can read a script, fake emotions and actions means only that – that they can be fake. Just because someone can hit or run fast with a ball doesn’t mean that they know much about how to live correctly or have any emotional intelligence or any values or morals other than ‘bling’. So why would any thinking person ever think anything more or else of them?

They are flawed regular people with a particular talent – they entertain the masses and doing this pays well in the times we are living in – the times where so many, focus so overly on escape – trying to escape their lives – escape their self – to escape thinking for self – to attach their lacking self identify to that of another.

Today – we are seeing many ‘stars’ fall into the reality of who they actually are.  This is a good thing – we all need to live in reality to see and beware of  truth.

What some actress wears, who she sleeps with, when they marry, when they divorce have nothing to do with your life – and if you try to emulate someone whom you don’t really know and believe what they say and how they live – you are a fool.

Appreciate and enjoy their talent but realize who they actually are in their private lives may very well repulse you. I can read about this mess for a few seconds while waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store and have enough of the idiocy to last a lifetime… it’s a diversion into insanity – escape into a bizarre kind  of fun for a few minutes then BLAH!

Enjoy, appreciate, even learn from talent and entertainment, but be discerning and think for yourself. Don’t blindly believe or follow anyone.

Each person is here to develop who they are, not to try and become ‘like’ someone else or to become a puppet of repetition of thoughts, life styles or beliefs of some flipping actor, etc.

Stars  and ‘star makers’ are falling – crashing into the hard ground of reality these days – and thankfully so…

Idolizing a person is just as stupid, vile and banal as idolizing an object.