I wanted to interview a middle-aged man (pictured,but hidden. He asked repeatedly to be on my site.) who has never been married and has no children. I wanted to ask him questions in person, and he answer, but he ‘insisted’ that I write the questions down, so that he had time to ‘think’ about his answers. Bad sign right there…
My other interviews with men have always been me asking questions in person and they answer right there. They didn’t ‘need’ the time to ‘orchestrate’ their answers.
This man’s fully orchestrated ‘for effect’ answers reveal a man who has little to no connection to his heart, is in his head and without the ability to really connect, or to see himself in relation to another. He is ‘mother-controlled’ and looking for a woman to take care of him. I almost didn’t even put this up because I found it so trite and mundane, but then realized, it is great for awareness.
I have known this man for 14 years, so know what’s real and what’s BS. I have written what I know to be true in parenthesis, to reveal the self-delusional pretense in the blah, blah, ‘politically correct’ BS that he ‘thinks’ a woman ‘wants’ to hear. He ‘tries’ to be so ‘correct’ that this man doesn’t live fully and certainly doesn’t know how to love, or what love even is. He is looking to ‘feel good about himself’. So ladies, if a man gives you these type of BS answers run away. And men, if you identify with this too much, you are conning and fooling yourself…
1. Why do you think it is that you have never married?
Extreme financial instability for one and all that encompasses. I’ve had a lot of terrible luck with career layoffs and I never wanted to burden a woman with that. (When I first met him, he told me he had a significant amount of money. So, a con right off the bat and plenty of poor people are married. So, what kind of an answer is this really?)
I’m very independent and never really felt a need to get married during my youth. (He told me he was engaged when he was in his twenties and the woman cheated.) Having children wasn’t important to me either. (He told me he didn’t want kids then that he did. I think he got some woman pregnant, but she miscarried and, even then, he didn’t marry her. From what I observe, he is too self-centered to have children.)
Also, continually spending too much time with women who I knew were wrong for me early in the relationship, expecting circumstances to change. (I wonder does he think about the woman’s time he wasted, if he ‘knew’ that they were ‘wrong for him’?) I am also guilty of not putting forth enough effort, not dating more, and that is my fault. (In the 14 years, I have known him, he is usually ‘hooked’ into some woman, then they break it off and he whines about something that was wrong with ‘her’. It was her family. She had cats. He hates cats. So, why date a woman with cats? She spent too much money on her horses, or something else that he found so distasteful. He dated a woman that leased a Ferrari for him. I inquired, if he liked her. He shrugged, stating, “Not really.” So, ummm, why was he with her? Then he will date older women who have money and when they break up, he will state that she is stuck up and too old for him.)
2. Do you want to marry?
Yes, as long as there is a healthy balance in every area of our lives, emotional, financial goals. (Ladies, this is a man that is after a woman to support him both financially and emotionally. He has no idea how to ‘support’ a woman in anyway. He is emotionally stunted and may very well have some severe personality disorder. Such as narcissist depression, bi-polar, narcissist/avoidant/borderline disorder). He is always all about himself. Something is always wrong with the woman and he doesn’t look at what is wrong in him. He is cheap, pessimistic and negative in his outlook and depression runs in his family of origin. Truth is, if anyone has never married and they are over 40, they are usually hiding something about themselves, have an inability to love and commitment or have personality disorders or all three and from my observances through many years, this man has all many defects both able to be seen and that he tries to hide from others as he tries to create a nice guy facade. “Hey nothing is wrong with me, it’s the women.”
3. Why do you want a woman in your life, or do you really?
Men and women ‘should’ both bring positive influences to each other. I want to bring uplifting experiences to a woman, it ‘should’ be the same for her. I want to give love and receive it. Once again, if there is a healthy balance there, I think marriage would be great. I’ve been a very independent man. I don’t need a woman to make my life happy, I want one to ‘enhance’ it, as I would hope to hers. (This answer reveals it all… ‘politically correct BS’. Wanting and doing are two different things.)
4. Do you think after being single all of your life that you would find it difficult to adapt to being with a woman in a marriage?
Of course, some fundamental challenges like sharing the same space and becoming used to having another personality around would be the biggest. We are all creatures of habit, therefore, a period of adjustment involving each others daily routines would have to be addressed. A strong bond would make this period go smoothly rather than being a struggle. Small, quirky things would work themselves out as long as both are dedicated to the success of the marriage, that’s the easy part. (Easy? How would he know?) The honeymoon period would involve allowing for each others needs, their likes and dislikes, and making changes with respect and love. Sure, the daily interaction would be an adjustment at my age, but, that’s what the dating period is for: to see if it’s a good fit for both. (BS answer. He has revealed to me that he goes through times that he can’t stand being around people. That he prefers being alone, so his answer here is politically correct lies)
5. Do you respect your mother?
Yes. She is a very caring person, was a wonderful wife, and an extremely hard worker during her career. She has her quirks like anyone else. (He has told me repeatedly that he hates his mother and his sister. He is jealous of how close they are and from what he says about his sister he is jealous of her. She is married, successful and has two children. She is everything he is not. He gave this answer because he ‘knows’ having a ‘good’ relationship with his mother is the ‘politically correct’ thing to say. In my interaction with him during the years, I will say that he basically hates women and just uses them for an ego boost or to pass the time.)
6. What about a woman attracts you?
Emotional stability,(He often flips into deep depression. I have seen him throw tantrums when he was jealous of what another man has, or if he can’t get what he wants.) financial independence, (He has financial issues, fears, is cheap, and fearful.) a confident attitude, a caring soul. (He is so insecure that he needed time to think about these answers.) A woman who is as comfortable in a bathing suit as she is in a Chanel dress. (Chanel ‘suit’… is that what he means?. He doesn’t even know what Chanel is. He said this to ‘appear’ sophisticated. He often dresses inappropriately and he wants a woman who is comfortable in Chanel. I have never seen him in a properly worn suit and tie. This statement is laughable. What he wants is a woman who can buy these kind of clothes for herself. He takes a woman for burgers and to the movies. Where would she wear Chanel with this guy?)
A best friend as well as a lover. A big sense of humor. (He is usually droll, depressive and negative.) Someone who is relaxed and takes life as it comes. (He can’t handle the simplest of tasks as in picking up the correct thing at a grocery store. He is looking for someone to keep him lifted out of his depression. So, is this a man who would be there during some real life tragedy or trauma?)
7. What about a woman does not attract you?
Narcissism. Someone always thinking of herself before anyone else. A player. (He is the narcissist. Everything is always about him. He whines, He is depressed and negative. He plays at life and relationships. Example: He watches NIP/TUCK and identifies with Christian the playboy.) Confident women scare him. So, he calls them narcissists. It’s classic projection. He wants a woman who will put him first, like a mother would a child).
8. What do you think that you have to offer a woman?
A warm heart, a trusting personality, ‘a giver of what he can’, (This is a big clue. Ladies, get it?) a good sense of humor. I am far from perfect, but as long as a woman respects me,( as long as she can’t see through his BS) I’ll do anything for her and do what I can to make her happy. (He has an ego as big as the world. So, he needs a woman to ‘make him’ feel good about himself and to continually fan his fragile ego.)
9. What do you want a woman to bring to your life?
To be a partner in every way, through the good times and bad. (He has never sustained a relationship through bad times. He has never sustained a relationship. At the first sign of stress or trouble, he shuts down or runs or the woman leaves him because she realizes he will not be there for her but he expects complete attention to his issues.)
10. How do you think your life would change were you married?
I believe that finding the right person would positively enhance my life. I really want that bond and special friendship that comes with a terrific marriage. Too many couples allow other things to tear them apart, children, relatives, money, jealousy. I would want to keep my marriage strictly between my wife and I, not allowing anything or anyone to come between our personal relationship. Friends that share selflessly, lovers with a deep, respectful, passionate connection: that’s my idea of marriage. (This answer is all blah blah. He has no idea, but ‘tries’ to appear like an authority. He has no a ability to have this kind of relationship. He is emotionally fragile, weak and fake.)
This man re-connects with me after failed situations with women. He shares all that is wrong and how he ‘was’ going to marry them…blah blah. All BS, he will never marry. I told him this 14 years ago and 14 years later he is in the same place, only with a heart condition, overweight, depression, aging rapidly and only God knows what else? As I inquire about his relationships, I realize, they weren’t even anchored in reality. It’s like women date him between their real guys. My gut tells me that they all leave or break up with him.
This man doesn’t have the ability to connect and to endure the good, the bad, and the in between, in a long term, committed relationship. He rushes in, thinks this is it, then quickly pulls away, shuts down or the women dump him. He likes the rev up, but can’t, or doesn’t know how to sustain reality.
So, I wondered what makes a man remain single until 50-plus, while ‘claiming to want’ to be married. I wanted to investigate it and be able to reveal more insights, but… as you can see…the man is a wall of BS. HAHAHA! But is this the real insight?
I have encountered several never married men and many playboys and they all share commonalities and traits very similar to this man. Only this man is one of the worst concerning fear of commitment… never married, no kids, never even owned a house, except to redo and turn it for profit. After his mother died, he moved into her house. An isolated, dingy place, that looks like a grandma’s house and he is making it his own. He even drives the car that she drove.
For more insight into this type of man… http://blog.womenexplode.com/2011/08/04/playboy-and-commitment.aspx.
Love, relationships, and marriage are messy, with up and downs, highs and lows. It takes self-evaluating and secure people to commit and to sustain a real relationship. And sure you need to be wise when choosing a mate, but if you never choose, or really ever commit….ummm…what does that say about you?…
So, from how this man answers, can you see who he is and what he is hiding from himself, what he is trying to hide from me and others, what he is afraid of, and what he is revealing with his trite, ‘politically correct’ answers? Have you interacted with similar men?
This man is now approaching 60 ,still never married, and still going from woman to woman… He rarelys has photos of himself with these women or photos of the women. He told me none of them like photos. When it’s him that dislikes photos. He dislikes himself and has no ability to genuinely love anther. I am wondering if most of ‘his women’ aren’t all in his head.
(FYI…I have been married, divorced, had stepchildren, been deeply passionately in love and been hurt to my core and being around a man who has never risked for love, never really been committed is like being with an empty vessel of nothingness, a vapid void… They are always looking and never find. Always criticizing the women and even friend’s marriages. I got this man completely out of my life. I got tired of hearing his whining and knew none of my advice was being absorbed. It was a useless, empty interaction.)