Intimacy...
To feel loved and to be loved, there must be intimacy. I am not talking sex, I am talking intimacy. Sex can be an expression of intimacy and when there is real intimacy, sex is usually fulfilling, even great, leading to the kind of sex where you look deep into one another's eyes and that takes you to a place out of this world.
'Playboys and girls' confuse sex with intimacy because they are emotionally fearful and insecure. Therefore, they 'play' at it.. nothing is real, or for keeps.
Intimacy can be scary. No matter how much we say we want it, most of us are really terrified of getting close to another
We're afraid to be seen for who we really are - especially the parts we don't like about ourselves.
And some of us have so many parts that we don't like, we spend most of our energy trying to keep those parts hidden - not just from others, but from ourselves, too.
But if you are hiding a part of yourself, how can anyone get to know you enough to really love you? They can't. You can't be intimate and love, or be loved because you are too focused on hiding who you are. Therefore, you won't feel loved and neither will those around you.
One definition of Intimacy: familiarity: close or warm friendship; "the absence of fences created a mysterious intimacy in which no one knew privacy."
If you have too many fences, you won't be able to feel, or to be intimate. That mysterious intimacy that leads to fulfillment will be null and void.
The self-imposed need to be 'perfect' can block intimacy. As a woman, if you think that you need to look perfect all the time, be at a certain weight and have on the perfect outfit...intimacy takes a back seat.
As a man, if you think that you need to earn a certain amount of money, have the right job, and know almost everything, then intimacy will take a back seat. Overly focused on image and intimacy is diminished... that master of the universe persona to impress, actually distances. Many times, overly focused on business, or sports, TV, or games is to avoid feelings... to avoid intimacy.
Often times, when intimacy is shared, an insecure person will sabotage it by anger, distancing, avoidance, or by pulling rank.... they feel too close for comfort, so they must either consciously or subconsciously do something to alleviate that 'too close for comfort' feeling...while it's what they really desire...one step forward and three steps back.
It takes an internally secure person to be truly intimate with another, to be able to risk, share insecurities, and to express when and where they feel down and inadequate.
Intimacy is developed over time. I am not talking here about emotionally throwing up too often, or too soon especially when you first meet. To do this is needy and shows an emotional instability... But sometimes, a couple just clicks and they are able to talk deeply...then again, if too much is revealed, it can cause embarrassment at a later date. Vulnerability is like undressing emotionally. Therefore, to develop intimacy over time is the wisest.
Also, as intimacy is shared it is wise not to use revealed vulnerabilities to hurt, or in anger. To do so, obviously will shut down intimacy. Protect and cherish, as private and sacred, vulnerabilities shared, this will create a more sacred intimacy and that is what we all deeply long for, admit it or not.
We have been conditioned to think that romance must be 'perfect' when in reality romance and love are imperfect. And in that imperfection it becomes perfect.
We come together in romantic love for the purpose of growth, healing, intimacy and companionship... which leads to security, peace and a kind of a wonderful joy at being loved for who you are. If you can't do that for another, how can someone do that for you? If you can't do that for yourself, how can you do it for another?
To love and be intimate with another, is to reveal who you really are, and to be and feel loved for the sincerity of self and when you give and accept that in a relationship, you will feel loved.
If you aren't able to love yourself, warts and all, will you be able to love another warts and all? We all have warts....no matter how hard we push them away and try to hide them, we all have them!
If you can't love and accept yourself, how can you love and accept another and be truly intimate?
Intimacy is the key to love, the key to feeling loved and the key to bonding between two people. It's the ability to look deeply into yourself with acceptance then deeply into the eyes of another in acceptance.
The ability to accept those things that you don't like about yourself (doesn't mean that you don't work to improve yourself) and the things that you might have shame, or remorse about can be revealed and you feel accepted with the right person. Acceptance of those things in others and self leads to intimacy and real love.
Do you accept yourself warts and all? Can you accept another warts and all?
Are you secure enough in yourself to be intimate?
Have you ever thought about what intimacy is?
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Categories: Relationships
Tags: intimacy love scary sex avoid vulnerability
What an insightful article and so true without the ability to be intimate with your loved ones it all falls apart. In today's world I wonder if there are that many that even give what you are writing about here a thought. It is all so fast to have sex and have love that what the real glue is intimacy is lost somewhere along the way. Maybe why so many divorces. I love to see each day what you write about and I am never disappointed. Good one, Ann as usual!
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This is a great piece. You get it! You get what it takes and I can imagine that you are one hot lady. I know that you are! Lucky man that is in your life.
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Amen sister!
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Loved this post ANN!!
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Exceptional article Ann! Covers it all, very well. "A person that can't be intimate can't really love or beloved." Ann you are wise so wise. Thank you. I am going to share this.
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True!
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Great one. I am printing this one out and giving it to my husband.
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Ann, you ask so many questions, my head hurts. Regardless, with one exception I believe your perception of intimacy is very cunning. Presumably, a male needs to get close to a female to acquire intimacy. After several decades of trading notes with my fellow hunters, I guarantee that no woman is going to let anyman near her doorstep unless he "earns a certain amount of money, has the right job," etc. Men do the courting & women do the choosing & ofcourse a woman is going to choose the be$t man she can get. And men get the best woman they can afford.
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Howard, sorry your head hurts but I am trying to stimulate thoughts that lead to awareness. Women want to feel protected and cared for and income and success plays a part of this. If a man has success and income with no ability to connect. You have a situation where women will marry him for his money and not love. What you described as some truth to it but without the ability for intimacy you have a shell of a relationship that will soon fall apart, no matter how sucessful the man is or desirable that the woman is.
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Hey Howard buddy, Ann is trying to make us THINK... and she is good at it! My wife loves this site so I am reading and finding I like it too.
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This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing websites that understand the value of providing a quality resource for free.
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If during that time intimacy is not there all that is being is lust**
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True Frederick. It's just sex with no real connection and it soon falls apart. That's what so many focus on sex too much before intimacy has been established. They haven't a clue what intimacy is.
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If there is no Compassion in your passion there is no intimacy-----passion alone is the lust of the flesh---
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Ann you are correct, these days most are too shallow to be intimate and they think intimacy is sex. That is why so much focus on sex. Sex is a kind of intimacy but without emotional intimacy it is empty and no meaningful. I have gone through times when I wanted sex just to connect and it left me feeling empty and alone. This is a good article. If you can't accept yourself you can't be intimate with another. True really right on.
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Thanks David.. you get it..
In the near future I am going to post a dating experience that I had that will be a good example of a man that doesn't have a clue how to connect with a woman, yet he has success and toys..
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I love the stuff you write ann!!!
So. ......... Where ya from? Im in NYC
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"We come together in romantic love for the purpose of growth, healing, intimacy and companionship... which leads to security, peace and a kind of a wonderful joy at being loved for who you are. If you can't do that for another, how can someone do that for you? If you can't do that for yourself, how can you do it for another?"
Ann this is a quotable. This is a great piece and true. I have found in dating that fewer and fewer men have an idea how to be close with a woman and as you know I am NOT talking sex.
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Thank you Katie. I think you are correct. Instead of more self actualization happening, there is more immaturity, immediate gratification and self-serving actions.
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sex is a lot of passion and a lot taking your time
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What Barry I don't understand your comment?
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i put in a lot in both
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intimacy you share with one i think u care for,love ,passion and closest,then makebe sex comes next if it's right for both
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Okay.. gotcha.. and agree..
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So on it, Ann. People these days are focusing too much too soon on sex. Especially in young people and they aren't learning how to really connect to others much less themself. It's all so phoney these days. Like everyone is alone and lonely but don't know how to connect or to be real. The dating scene is full of phony playboys and they become ugly. It all is ugly.
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Carrie! Hold out for a man that is willing to learn and grow with you. If you feel that it is ugly get out of it fast. It sounds like you want to really connect and are aware when it is not real.. so don't lower your standards or it really will be ugly and it will make you feel ugly.
Hang in there. It's better to be alone and connected to self than to be with someone that can't connect and make you feel that it is all ugly.
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Dead on Ann Sex is used for intimacy and it isn't intimacy it is sex. Both men and women do this. I am an older man and I have learned that when a woman shares herself in sex and there isn't intimacy she will eventually shut down. So many men don't get this or can't offer it or are too selfish and stupid to understand or are emotional cripples. When a woman has been hurt this way she will shut down. Your site is great and to that man that said his head hurts from thinking. All that means is that he needs to think and you are forcing him to with your excellent questions. Yes, after many years I know what intimacy is and am fortunate to have found it and it is something to cherish.
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Great article more men should read this....
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Thank you Chris and Kyle...
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Ann your articles always seem to amaze me keep them coming.
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Fab article! And yes Chris Ann's articles are amazing. I love this site.
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Another good one Ann. And I am sending this one to others. So many of my friends have relationship difficulties and this is why. The Guys all just want sex without intimacy
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Love it! Ann you hit the nail on the head again. If a man can't be intimate, there is no lasting sex or relationship and why do many marriages and relationships break up. There are lots of men walking around wondering why it's over and lack of intimacy is the answer.
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i'm ALL 4 it...
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So you're up for it, ya think?
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You BetYa
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You do realize that I am talking intimacy here.. not sex?
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Well you had it pretty right,,,,but you beat it to death with the same words over and over, choppy sentences were distracting from feeling,looking inward as i read,,,,, but basically you are there.
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Sometimes, things need to be repeated..and I write as I feel it.
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The sentences weren't choppy in this article. You must be a rejected beau. It was well done.
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This article was very well-written. It wasn't choppy.
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Very well written article and I agree with it.
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Very well written, not choppy at all. Where would anyone get that?
Love the thoughts and agree.
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Many people see sex and intimacy as synonyms.
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Yes, they do and sex and intimacy aren't the same.
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Sex and intimacy are the same.
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No sorry John, they are not the same.
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You can have a great deal of one without the other, either way. Either one alone can be pretty great, but together they are awesome.
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I love intimacy but you need to have the other person wanting it too. So I have only been with one or two that I could say I have experienced intimacy with.
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Agree Daniel both have to be able to experience it and want it. It's terrible to be with someone that can't reach that deep when you want to.
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Well written Ann. Goes without saying. Intimacy is important in a committed relationship. It doesn't come all at once, it comes in time when you both feel comfortable with it. Loving someone and being loved back is so beautiful, and I feel so lucky, the second time around. I wish I could have had that the first time around. RIP Sam. This time its almost 10 years and I still get excited when I hear his car in the driveway coming home from work.
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Elizabeth, that is so great! I am so happy for you!
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To me, things like holding hands and short gentle kisses, in public, are more "intimate" than sex is . . . in private. It is a open claim of a relationship.
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I agree with Margaret........
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me too... all those thing lead to intimacy and great sex...
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I am pleased and surprised to have so many people agree with me.
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Any man that doesn't know what intimacy is, I wouldn't want to have sex with. Good read and I like reading all the responses.
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me either!
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Ann, I think you may be right. Intimacy is the the most important place to be.
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To be fair though I think we all seek intimacy but probably on different levels....
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I know that. We connect through intimacy, not sex. Love is felt through intimacy. I agree. The gateway to intimacy is attraction and being on the same level, having the same needs and desires. From my experience....
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Love comes from intimacy and intimacy isn't sex...they are two different things.
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Very true Ann. We have lost that art here in sex crazed America.
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Ann that is why divorce and shacking up is continually on the rise.
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Very true.. everyone is looking for intimacy and they can't find it until they look at themselves..
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It's the if you don't accept or like yourself, you can't accept and like another. There are so many unhappy people in this world and they blame others and are so angry and it is getting worse. I appreaciate this site Ann and your articles.
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Knowing who you are is critical!! If you don't then it is like navigating without reference, in the dark.
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That's how you connect. You cannot connect with someone who isn't on your level. The person I knew who I experienced deep intimacy with knew herself very well.
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As I know myself and my shortcomings....
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Daniel, I agree with you and I feel that I know myself also. It is difficult to be aruond those with little self-actualization if any.
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Yes. I think it is because people are very shallow these days and don't follow their heart.
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who is it that said, love is an angel disquized as lust?
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I don't know Joe.. but that is a good one..
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Bruce Springsteen in his song 'Because the night'
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actually it was Patty Smith, springsteen re made the song
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Okay..
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Please pass this video and support my campaign.
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I absolutely agreee!!! I stayed in a marriage for 21 years without intimacy on the level you are speaking of and I have never felt so alone, lonely, or unloved. Never Again!!!
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Very good and I agree with what another poster wrote, every man should read this..
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I am just thinking about sex.
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but to have that empty unfulfilled feeling afterwards...not sure that would be worth it
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I like a quickie.
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but the intimacy is understood when it's a quickie between 2 parents...well in my view it is
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Exactly once intimacy is there.. there can be quickies or whatever.. once the real connection is made in the heart.
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Ann this article hit the nail on the head..I think men have a harder time identifying with and understanding the premise here...but it is all soooo true...thanks for reminding us again of the value of true intimacy =)
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well men and women are made differently...I've found that out for sure LOL...and I can sorta understand Donald's approach to it...seems women have that multi dimensional view of love and intimacy..men are a little simpler to figure out =)
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I cant believe I am having this chat with you two ladies !!!..Thank you for all the advice...I love my wife..she is a prize from God.....and to be treasured always!..I am very blessed
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well Ann I think he has that other "dimension" that we treasure so much in men...that ability to care..to be tender...and to be INTIMATE
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Just walking down a beach and holding a lady's hand in yours(make sure the rest of the lady is attached)the way she feels...the way she smells...her hair..her smile...they way she looks at you...ahhhh..I miss that...
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The man needs to have sex to feel close to his wife, and a woman has to feel close to her husband to want to have sex with him. Why is that? It's a conundrum. I guess it's just the way we were made. So if a man isn't intimate and reveaing to his wife... forget sex being great. Usually as a man ages and matures, he has a need for intimacy also. As his emotions mature, he needs the intimacy as much as his wife or partner.
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I have cared a great deal for a many women, but never experienced true intimacy. I feel like I am an open book and very emotionally secure, but perhaps I am sub-consciously putting up barriers...... Hey! how much are you charging me for this psychological exam
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What you say about intimacy is true Ann
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Very true article, Ann. Most people spend their lives looking fof intimacy while hiding from it.
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Ann you need to post this on the wall of the White House. Even on the door to the congressional chambers. In fact I think they should all have to be tested for this ability. The opposite is narcissism and we see what that's done to our country.
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You can only have intimacy if you both connect.
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If there is a blockage or there is no connection between you then it isn't going to happen.
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Agree Daniel.. and so many these days have blockages that make them focus on sex and not real intimacy.. so there are many left feeling so disconnected while they are in a relationship..
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It's very easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thought, fears, future, hopes, dreams............... This is being naked
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I suppose it's what keeps people content and happy together when they are old and the thin veneer of beauty has gone.
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Real beauty is internal and those with it have a beauty all their lives.
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