Sex and the female...growing into my sexuality...
by Sara Zimmerman
Sex. This is something that consenting adults all around the world are partaking in. So why is it so taboo? The idea that sex is not to be discussed is a large part of the problem. Have you walked in to a high school lately? If you have then you probably ran into a pregnant teen or two or three... Am I one to talk, why yes I am, I was one, once upon a time. But, I didn’t get pregnant because I was enjoying a healthy sex life; I became pregnant because I allowed it into my relationship. I didn’t enjoy it and yet I did it.
Sex used to terrify me. I started too young which ironically set back my understanding of it quite a few years. It took me being comfortable with myself to even begin to understand the mystery that is sex. I used to have it, so I could feel loved. I used to have it, so I could feel wanted.Neither reason, is any reason to be having sex.
If you can’t have a reasonable conversation about sex, you shouldn’t be having it.
I was in way over my head, way too young. Sex became a chore, something I dreaded. I was the girl pretending to be asleep to avoid having it. Sound familiar? Hopefully not, because that is not a fun place to be, besides it is pretty crushing to the guy when he discovers that you would do just about anything to avoid sleeping with him. 
I have changed and grown-up a bit since then; I was one of the lucky ones. Sex has become something that improves my self-esteem, instead of tearing it down. It took awhile to get to that place, but I am here and it is something I enjoy, imagine that!
On the grander scale, sex is just as responsible for failed relationships as it is for creating relationships that never had any business being in the first place.
Ever been to Las Vegas? Sex oozes from every billboard and store window. If you plan on walking down ‘The Strip’ then be prepared to have pornography flyers shoved in your face every few feet. This is an extremely awkward way to start the sex talk with your kid. “Mommy, why is that naked lady kissing the other one?” There has to be a middle ground somewhere between the two.
But where is that line and how can we tell, if we are in a healthy relationship, or simply making things worse? This is different for everyone, varying on beliefs and maturity. For me, I began to enjoy the act of sex when I found someone I was comfortable with and realized that sex is not such a horrible thing that needs to be whispered about or shoved down my throat with every passing innuendo.
The fun comes, when we realize that having sex is a natural part of life. It is OK to have it and to enjoy it. As long as we are prepared for all that comes along with it. Consenting adults can make their own decisions about sex and their body. If you have it for the right reasons, it does live up to all the hype, even for women. Once I entered my mid-twenties, I began to finally see what all the fuss was about.
Woman all around the world are enjoying it and the idea of having it just to satisfy the man is long gone. It has become an act of empowerment and confidence. Men have started to become concerned about pleasing their woman and the street is finally a two way one.
Alfred Kinsey broke boundaries, when he asked woman what they enjoyed about sex, in 1953 with his book 'Sexual Behavior in the Human Female'. This book was considered highly controversial and also became a best seller. According to his findings, women and men, are very similar in the biology of their sexuality, but women had their sexuality repressed by social and cultural forces. (Kinsey 348-349)
This is something that, we as a society, have become a bit more aware of, since the 1950’s, even mediums such as Sex in the City, have Kinsey to thank. 
Now, I understand how important sex is and luckily am much more comfortable with the idea, than I was even eight years ago. I am not encouraging random sex with random partners, nor am I discouraging it. I am merely stating that sexual desire is a part of life for men and women. I am lucky to exist in a world where it is acceptable for me to enjoy it and to recognize its’ significant role in relationships. Maybe, if I had understood this as a teen, I would have waited to have it.
My advice, wait until you’re prepared for all that comes with a healthy sex life, and wait until you are mature enough to make this important decision and engage in such acts in a mature fashion. Also spread this knowledge to your teenagers, if you so happen to have them. It is only an uncomfortable conversation if you treat it as such. If you don’t have the conversation with them, someone else will, and that someone might be just as lost on the topic as I once was.
When did you come into your full sexuality, meaning when you really enjoyed it, your body, and your partner? Men chime in also...
Categories: Sex
Tags: sex women Alfred Kinsey relationships Sex in the city teenagers men enjoyment Sexual Behaviors maturity pregnant consenting adults taboo highschool
Very well told. I think many women don't care much for sex in the beginning. They get into it to please their man. And this isn't a good way to begin. You are right, this needs to be talked about more openly with the facts. Girls are having sex way too young these days.
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Yes they are! I am honest with my daughter about it and so far it is working!
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Interesting but the fact that our parents and grandparents had it right and we are too arrogant to admit that is telling. Random sex...its ok...as long as you understand that....fine..and thats also COMPLETLEY AMORAL! Which is what is wrong with our country
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Personally I would never participate in random sex but I don't judge my friends that do. I can understand the problems with it which is why I chose never to participate in it.
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Advice is this: Date several guys...make them COURT you...make them chase you. I bought into the big lie about sex...and when I stopped acting like a "liberated" tramp and listened to my Mom's advice I got the man of my dreams. Oh...and the romantic crap? Its crap....trust me.
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And never sleep with any man until he proves he wants you..thats if you have to...
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have meaning well...
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I agree Stephanie... I have old fashioned values but am older than Sara and grew up when there was a different morality.
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Doesn';t matter. Sarah proves the bs of leftist feminism. My Dad told me we girls had the power in relationships. Has nothing to do with tghe lie of old fashioned. THats the way our girls have been oversexualized. Power women don't give it up to just any guy. You date...you don't have sex...make em work for it. If they are so hard up...well they can pay for it or they have a right hand.
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That's a good point to talk to young girl's about.. they for some reason have gotten hooked into thinking that they need to please the guys.. when it's the other way around.. I agree.. Stephanie.. I was reared in this way also..and it's the best way to go...
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really enjoyed reading this earlier..
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Thank you Gregory! I am glad that you enjoyed it.
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The liberating sex I was referring to is with my husband. My generation is often oversexed but I feel that one of the main reasons for that is that they do not understand it.
The more abstinence is preached the more pregnancies we have in our schools. Statistically anyhow. I think the more educated our youth is the better.
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This was meant towards Stephanie. Sorry! Stephanie I did not mean to offend and I completely agree with you that women need to be courted. One of the points was that sex is much more enjoyable when there is trust in the relationship as well as confidence. Someone can be liberated without being a tramp.
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From what I read Sara is saying that she had sex too soon and for the wrong reasons. It wasn't until she was in love and with a man that she could trust that she became liberated in herself and could enjoy sex.
I agree that young girls need to be educated and that sex is not something to just do. Good article thanks for sharing Sara.
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Agree Sara.. young girls and boys for that matter have sex too young without knowing the complexity of it and the repercussions into their life, emotions and well-being. That is what Sara is sharing and I appreciate her forth coming with this private information to assist and bring awareness to others.
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You nailed it, that is what i was going for. Thanks Ann, this one was a bit harder to write then some of the others...
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Well written article, Sara. Although Stephanie has a point, it seems she has the inability to differentiate liberation with tramp...and quite a bit too judgmental...which is another example of the IMMORALITY (meaning wicked, corrupt) of what's wrong with our nation. From a basic analysis, one can conclude Sara was stating that talking to and educating the youth, instead of promoting abstinence, about the positives and consequences of sex, will create a more sexually responsible generation. Walk around an "Abstinence Only promoted" high school and you will catch the drift...or a STD.
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Agree Paige...
We need to educate our youth about the importance of sexual relations.
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Being pressured into having sex is horrible. Any man that pressures or threatens a woman into having sex is a creep.
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Agreed! Some guys even go for young girls because they are easily pressured.
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I think many women have sex without enjoying it. Like Sara wrote we aren't even sure about the feelings in out bodies until we grow into it. And no woman should be having sex randomly. Sex is between two in love and committed people.
And yeah having sex too young can mess you up. Sex is about love and should only be shared with someone that you trust and love. Good article, Sara.
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Thank you. The idea of love is a tough one though, if you asked me at 14 I would have said that I was in love. Therefore being in love is not always even reason enough.
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Sara good article. Good points and thanks for sharing.
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You are welcome and thank you for reading!
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I think most people grow into their sexuality. I didn't get it until I had been married for a few years and we learned about each others bodies and a true commitment and carrying developed. Good article, Sara.
And I think kids these days are way to sexual way to young.
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Yes and I don't see the tide changing too much.
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I think men go through growing pains when it comes to sex too. At first I didn't have much of a clue. I just wanted it. The urge was there but not much else. It took going through several relationships for me to get what was going on from the woman's side of it. Thanks for sharing Sara. This site is so informative for men. I really like it.
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Good, I am glad that you like it! Youth is an awkward time for sure! I can't speak form the young male's perspective so it is nice to hear. When I was younger guys always put up such a front about sex. It was hard to see the truth through it all.
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Nothing is worse than having sex when you don't want to aren't into it
I have friends who can't stand to have sex with their hudbands and will do anything to get out of it
One if my friends like it when she is pregnant so she has an excuse
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That would be horrible! I knew a few couples like that and they didn't last long, even in marriage! I hope that this is not the case for your friends.
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Lots of women go through what you did Sara. It's very common. And young girls need to be taught self-esteem so this won't happen.
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So true! My daughter is 13 and a bit cocky. I am happy with that though for I was SO the opposite when I was her age. I would rather her be a bit cocky then dependent and down on herself.
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Sex is good! Without it we are screwedless!
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There is always room for the naked truth!
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Sex, love and commitment go together. When we stray from this trouble arises in some form. Sex isn't sport although ti is fun.. it is also serious and one of the most meaningful things that we as humans do as it can create human life. What it is needs to be taught and understood. It can give much peasure but it can also ruin lives. Something this powerful needs to be honored..
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No kidding Ann! The black kids are a big reason for this booty call mentality.
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Are we blaming races? Let's not stoop to that level. Individual responsibility is always my go to.
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I agree with David. Sexual promiscuity is stronger in the blacks and few men have any regard for how many illegimate kids that they father and many live off the Gov. White girls are following the bad example of the overly-sexed blacks.
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I don't feel that this is an accurate statement. Promiscuity spread widely in the 70's and race was not near as big as factor as was the generation.
During my college years the number of white men sleeping around was just as high as the African American males. This includes the amount of men leaving illegitimate children.
But even if I were to concede this notion I feel that this is the wrong angle to be looking at the problem. Pointing fingers is not usually the way to solve a problem. What we have control over is ourselves and living up to our own standards of morality and raising our children with these morals is really the most efficient manner in which to create change.
My initial point was about educating our youth, looking for a positive change for the future.
I appreciate any and all feedback that is provided for my article and thank you for reading it. I just felt strongly inclined to comment on this so that my initial points in the article were not lost.
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The point of the article is clear and it is a good one. But the fact is that blacks are more likely to get pregnant, have more illegitimate kids that don't even know who there mother is. This began with busing and the black influence in the white community. Busing also was the downfall of the American public school system. This is fact. Blind people are defending the blacks when they are lowering the standards here. They destroy every neighborhood that they move into. The rap music, the baggy pants and the disregard for morality is rampant. Many are after our young white girls.
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I agree with David. I was a teacher for years and I witnessed exactly what he is saying.
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Booty call is from the blacks. Their obsession with the booty. That is how some kids refer to sex these days. So where did that come from? Blacks!
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The break down of the family and the acceptance of immoral behaviors as the norm is what is contributing to this. I do agree with the black influence. The way that sex is shown in movies and on Tv. Kids are oversexed. Think about it too soon. Kids can't be kids any longer. We have six year old girls trying to look sexy and this is because of lack of parental and society standards. Look at Mily Cyrus prime example. Sex sells and it is being sold to our youth and it results in overt sexuality at too young an age. There is not time for kids to learn about love. It's all about sex.
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I agree that the break down of the family and what the entertainment industry sells is a big part of the promiscuity in this world. Also, agee the black race is no help. Some encourage their girls to get pregnant and on gov assistance.
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This was a great article and has given me incite as a young woman in exploring the mental aspects and responsibility of sex. However I feel I must comment on the racial comments on this article. Comments on an articles of interest are just as important as the article to me.
It is sad that we still try to attribute race to problems of the country/world instead of taking responsibility as individuals in contributing to the solutions. The truth is the media targets everyone including children and all races when it comes to using sex in everything. This is due to the fact, as stated before, that sex is a powerful aspect of life and one of the main purposes is to make money.
It is disheartening to come to an article for the same reasons many of you did and see racially bias comments. It is amazing that we can all agree on the seriousness of a subject that can bring a miracle such as another life in the world but yet we a loose in our judgment, lack of knowledge and understanding of something as relatively superficial as race.
While I truly believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions, let's first think about how our own comments and opinions contribute to the very thing we say we would like to combat. Do some research, the easy route is passing on the blame.
This behavior described is not unique to one racial community.
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Sex is sacred. Between two people in love, it can be fun romantic hot or whatever. I am glad that you found your sexuality. It does grow in women as they learn about their bodies with men it is so obvious. Being in a relationship with trust is when sex gets good.
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Agreed!
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Great article. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you.
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My first experience with sex was when I was 8 years old and Loretta, my next door 16 year old baby sitter had me try to make love to her one night. Contrary to what you might think, the experience was not bad for me, but seemed natural. I remember feeling the warmth of her causing myself to produce an erection after she attempted to have me enter her and her relating her approval by softly moaning. My natural sexual desire (libido) really arrived for me when I was about 14 and the raging hormones began and I began fantasizing about making love to a woman, in fact it occupied a great deal of my consciousness and this is when I began masturbating. Because of my early experience with Loretta, I thought that all women desired sex and was confused when women rebuffed my advances, some of which may have given me a complex at the time. It took me a long time to discover what women really want and to finally cause women to achieve orgasm, which really thrilled and delighted me. I don't believe that my first wife ever achieved orgasm even though I tried almost every technique I knew or read about and after two children, our sex life became non-existent which broke my heart and was the cause of my infidelity and eventual divorce. I discovered an attractive woman who came on to me as my lover at my place of employment when I was about 30 who was 8 years younger than me. She was a "late bloomer" and had never achieved an orgasm but was "in the hunt" so to speak. I was the first man to ever give her an orgasm and we had a mad affair where she often achieved multiple climaxes and became quite open and aggressive about her hunger and need for sex with me. She is also the first woman that I encountered that truly enjoyed oral sex which is something that I had always desired and fantasized about. This relationship has lasted down through down through the years and we are still very dear friends today even though she is married well to a very wealthy gentleman and lives out in the San Francisco Bay area and I live in the Tulsa, OK area. We stay in touch by phone and email and occasionally when I travel or she travels we arrange a rendezvous. She always thanks me for being the one man that gave her confidence and to fulfill being the woman who she always wanted to be. I truly adore this woman and wish I could have found her before I married.
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Thank you for sharing. It is amazing what an important role sex plays in relationships!
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Yes Sara, over the years I have learned that it is important and it must be good for a relationship to grow and be nourished. I have been married 3 times and learned that sex must be honest, uninhibited and mutually desired. The quickest way to ruin a relationship is to begin using sex as a tool or a weapon or making "rules" and conditions. I believe that sex is never fulfilling or satisfying if it is not given freely with desire by both parties. Commercial sex disgusts me because it is soul less and only for money. It degrades both the giver and the receiver by putting a price on the act. Some wives and girl friends also use the commercial approach to get what they want from a man, which to me, places them in a similar category.
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Happy, healthy sex is not possibe without two happy, healthy people.
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Very well put!
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Very Interesting
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In what way?
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The avoiding sex part. my wife went through that for awhile.
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I think we all male and female go through things related to sexuality related to awareness, interest,etc.
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It takes a great deal of patience and understanding to get through stuff like that.
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But it's a part of love and sex is just a part of it..
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true
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Oh yes, understanding is definitely a part of it. Our sex lives are so affected by every other aspect of our lives. I did avoid it for awhile due to me getting comfortable with myself. That was something I never really allowed myself to do before I became sexually active. All in good time.
We all must go through this at some point, in one shape or form.
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I'm always troubled by the phrase "making love" as a substitute for having sex. Making love is so much more than the sexual act...
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Making love sounds so forced to me. (WIth the exception of few incidences) I know many would disagree but I know where you are coming form Andy!
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Sara, Great wisdom and perspective! I think more men should read this to gain insight into the pleasures of sex.
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This was a great article and has given me incite as a young woman in exploring the mental aspects and responsibility of sex. However I feel I must comment on the racial comments on this article. Comments on an articles of interest are just as important as the article to me.
It is sad that we still try to attribute race to problems of the country/world instead of taking responsibility as individuals in contributing to the solutions. The truth is the media targets everyone including children and all races when it comes to using sex in everything. This is due to the fact, as stated before, that sex is a powerful aspect of life and one of the main purposes is to make money.
It is disheartening to come to an article for the same reasons many of you did and see racially bias comments. It is amazing that we can all agree on the seriousness of a subject that can bring a miracle such as another life in the world but yet we a loose in our judgment, lack of knowledge and understanding of something as relatively superficial as race.
While I truly believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions, let's first think about how our own comments and opinions contribute to the very thing we say we would like to combat. Do some research, the easy route is passing on the blame.
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Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and allowed to express them...and if someone feels a certain way concerning race they are allowed those feelings and to express them and just as you are allowed to disagree...
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